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As an observation from the point of view of someone who has had individuals in my family and around my abuse hard drugs a lot in my early life and for prolonged periods of time; I think hard drugs increase self-deception by a huge amount in some people. Sometimes uncontrollably. Bliss isn't always a given with these drugs, I think it perpetuates the notion that you as yourself have something missing and that you need something to fill an emptiness. And from my perspective I would say permanently. (even my sister has become deluded via hard drugs). She doesn't aspire to anything. In the UK we have qualifications in school that are taken by 15-16 year old called GCSEs. She's 29 with none of those. Doesn't want a job, doesn't want any form of education, wouldn't want to return, feeds off of the welfare and benefits we have here in UK. Just a 'need' to do hard drugs. Alcohol, cocaine, heroin, pretty much anything, sometimes putting her young childrens' mental health on the line. The use of drugs lead her to create issues in the community and within other individuals. She is also not blissed out constantly. She comes down to a level of 'bliss' that is precisely the reverse of what she had felt on the drugs. With psychedelics I'm much more certain the 'bliss' and lessons learned from the trip can be integrated and slowly coaxed into being revealed to the sober mind.

Other drugs can also show you that. The bliss you experience on psychedelics is different from drugs like heroin/cocaine/ketamine etc., you could say the bliss is more rewarding in a way. With psychedelics it's not guaranteed that you will have a good time, while hard drugs will always feel good (if you dont do them to much). The main difference for me is after you take 'hard drugs' you will feel bad after the effects wear off and lots of times you dont feel good for a week or so. But when I have an amazing psychedelic experience, for the next two weeks I feel better then I do usually and there is no down. So you could say the price you pay for psychedelics is different compared to 'hard drugs'

Yeap, can only recommend psychedelics. Hard drugs are a waste of time and if you are not careful you can wreck your life with them. All the bliss that hard drugs provide you can get with psychedelics. It just that it will demand more responsibility of you. But it's the only intelligent way.

Psychedelics produce bliss and euphoria too, but it usually comes at the price of high vulnerability. In more vulgar words, I would say with normal drugs you always have control, in psychedelics the higher you go the less control you usually have. I think this difference it's makes 'hard drugs' easy to abuse, while with psychedelics not.

Isnt that they both produce the mind dissolving effects which leads to bliss?

I did. I will admit perhaps I sound unimpressed with my own enlightenment because I haven't yet satisfied my egoic goals. Trite, but even Buddha got to be a Prince first before his enlightenment. Yes it's absolutely incredible to feel bliss of being the infinite consciousness behind the ego, but after that... what? If I wanted to feel it I'd just off myself, rejoin the infinite consciousness and feel enlightenment for eternity. I don't understand - though respect their choice - people who shun the world and just mainly chill in their human enlightenment. I am driven to leave a dent in the egoic world with my life purpose, that's just the game I feel called for, being that the only meaning available in life is the one I give it.

Well, I did some tests based on my previous posts about involvement, I am far from conclusions and there is lot more to be done to clarify stuff, know how it works and how to get there in easy way and it for sure will not fix your ego problems. Don't want to make any claims and will just put it as I understand it at this moment. There are things like overlays of experience that encompass rest of things that happen in experience, might be just brain chemical but who cares, main thing is it changes how you connect to same behaviours ,actions, ego talk and so on. So this involvement, or love changes this overlay of experience and encompass you with different energy, thing with this energy is that it does not care what you do it is sorta like bliss, you are good no matter what, but , it is also dangerous to navigate for reasons. And yes it is completely sustainable, not 1 h, 1 day thing.

You aren't going crazy. Just the opposite, in fact Nothing in excess, including enlightenment. It is an upward spiral of awakenings, accompanied by ego battles, because the ego knows that truth will destroy it. Continue your spiritual practice, staying present as much as you can, and realize that the battle has just begun. The bliss will be followed by dark nights of the soul, like a train moving through a sequence of tunnels, punctuated by soul-searing light.

I realized God.It happened 3 weeks ago. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel God’s Love almost every moment of the day. Bliss and happiness arise often. But lately, my mind is going crazy(monkey mind with many thoughts regarding to my survival..and the worst thing that it found some validations to itself.. 1. I got really quiet and my top priority is to focus on This. 2. Girls are not attracted to nice guys and I can’t help myself but Love everyone. 3. It became clear to me how everyone around me is possessed by their mind. And I feel alone. 4. It got harder to do business. I feel like even my investments needs to purify themselves? Don’t get me wrong I’m willing to give up everything for It. But life got different..Maybe it’s just a phase and it will pass. Not sure what I’m even asking..Just need to know that I’m not going crazy.

When you have an intimate conversation and relationship, it's the most beautiful thing in the world. You create space for love and understanding. That's all we really need to get by in life. We need each other. We need intimacy to know each other. This is sex. It's life. Without sex there is nothing. Sex and spirituality have a connection. Because both are about intimacy. All conflicts are gone during sex. It's free. It's liberating. All differences resolved. It's the most intimate connection. I feel like sex is teaching me something, something deep. Like I need to accept all the harshness in this world, that would make my journey easier. Being intimate is the only way you can truly be yourself. You can be truly free in your self expression. You can simply be yourself. This is where healing begins, because when you're intimate, you aren't judged anymore. You are loved in intimacy. You're made to feel secure. You can be you without all manipulations, you can be free, away from the world, you can say whatever you want, just anything. You can say anything. It's such a relief because finally you can feel free and not stressed out anymore. You can feel healed. You can vent out, let out. It's like deep talk therapy with a psychiatrist. It's one of the reasons why sex is so therapeutic, it can literally cure anything in the world. Do you want something that can simply cure your brain right now, a powerful cure that energizes each and every cell in your brain, that creates a beautiful garden, now I understand what Buddha meant by a beautiful garden, sex is a ginormous about of energy activated. It's an extreme release, it is this intimacy. It creates a beautiful feeling in the brain, like pure bliss, a strong protection against psychic attacks, it's almost like giving a cleansing bath to your brain computer. Sexual healing. There is just no repression. Absolute freedom. When you feel this release, this powerful free self expression, it's the deepest release of all held up swallowed karmas, everything rises to the surface. You feel absolute surrender and peace. If your mind is, even for a minute, held in a rapture of sudden pleasure, release, surrender and absolute understanding, you become liberated for a minute, you reach a different mental state, a state of pleasure and joy and in this state you feel rapture and you feel free, in this state, nothing bothers you anymore, survival looks lame, people seem petty, you do care about life but you aren't as affected. You feel healed, all tensions thrown out and then you come to homeostasis. There is no repression. Your deepest feelings are confronted. You only talk to yourself. There is no more manipulation of your sentiment or feeling. Just rotate your fingers in a circle around your breast. There is no hurt and no room for hurt during an intimate session. This is where healing begins. It's the same as self love. When someone knows you inside out, it's like you're loving yourself. If somebody asked you to describe how you look, it's difficult without a mirror, but with a mirror it's much easier, when you love yourself, it feels hard like a routine, but when you are loved, it's much easier. It's like medicine given to children with a sugar pill. It digests better. Same way. There is a sweetened elegance and ease when someone loves you intimately. And when they do understand you thoroughly, it's like self love, the only difference being someone else is loving you as though you are loving yourself. It's like a twin mate who understands you inside and out. And now that you have this mate, it suddenly feels like self love. The healing begins slowly. You get renewed courage and you feel like you can take on things. You can finally get the love to fuel your actions and positivity.

@Leo Gura I prefer to call it Bliss, not pleasure.

Hi Ernest, From what I understand, There never was a universe that ever came into being in the first place, there never is, there never will ever be.. All that is.. is a dreamy appearance which appears as a solid reality.. including the very concept of time which includes both of these concepts of BEGINNING and an END; as well as PAST, PRESENT & FUTURE. All that is.. is nothing but a watery mirage in the desert. There is no such a thing called mirage anywhere.. nor is the water which appears within it. Both are just illusory appearances. Similarly there is no universe anywhere prior to the appearance of the mind.. which is nothing more than a mirage and the objects which appear in it which are nothing more than watery appearances of dancing images in that mirage called mind. There is no such a thing called mind anywhere nor the objects within it. All of it is just an imaginary appearance in infinite consciousness. BUT, relative appearances have relative relevance and are relatively real. Not to be ignored or taken lightly. They have their own significance in terms of conditioned patterns, meanings and values of the minds that perceive and experience them. The questions WHAT, WHEN, WHY & HOW, etc. these are the questions of the mind. When the mind dissolves and attains oneness, or prior to any projection of a universe within some mind, what is there and who is there to ask such questions and to whom? There is only IT remaining within itself, supported by itself, as itself, cognizing itself alone without any second object. That is what everything IS, including YOURSELF. Thinking doesn't exist in that state. Questions do not arise either, because of lack of a mind. IT is what the enlightened describe as BRAHMAN in its inseparable Non-Dual form of SAT-CHIT-ANANDA pronounced as(SATH-CHITH-AANANDHA) SATH(ETERNITY of EXISTENCE - A state(not even..), not a continuous extension of time) CHITH(KNOWLEDGE - Not intellectual knowledge, but the raw COGNIZANCE/CONSCIOUSNESS itself) AANANDHA (BLISS - Natural state of Ecstasy/Exuberance and Unconditional Love) But, these are just words. The enlightened say that just like the blind person cannot understand the concept of color through intellectual understanding, similarly the unenlightened will never understand BRAHMAN/CONSCIOUSNESS/REALITY/GOD through intellectual reasoning. It is something to be experienced directly in order to understand it perfectly. Also, there are different depths of enlightenment and infinite truths(different ways consciousness can configure itself into) to be enlightened about. what was the first iteration of the universe? There never was one. But If you want to experience and perceive such a thing, you can certainly in your meditative state experience such a thing called a beginning of all of reality. BUT, although such an experience will feel realistic and true for you, others can also perceive such a thing in their own meditative state which is radically different from how you perceived it. Moreover, you yourself may perceive it differently each time you try to perceive it. It all depends on the conditioning and the state of the mind that perceives it. There are certain aspects that are perceived and 'the way they are related to' which is common for all/some minds in a universe, whereas other aspects which are different for each one.

The universe is a macrocosm and you're the microcosm. Both are operating in similar ways. Now I compare the universe to little everyday things and I find similarities and I think the universe gets mirrored in little things. So I compare the universe to... Lots of similarities. A factory producing goods Human digestion process Human hormonal system starting from the pituitary gland Plant growing from a seed Sex Cleaning of a vessel -removing dirt and unwanted stuff. But it mimics a part of the universe Physical exercise Cooking Relationship Painting Sculpting Art Poetry Music 4 processes here Ignition Combustion Flow(climax ) Bliss Stasis and Nonchalance After this everything is just expansion of consciousness in minor and major ways.

Three processes Primordial process Heat dissipation, continuous restless and churning Climax or formation This is similar to the process of sex.. Where you have a concept or idea of foreplay Processes in sex Foreplay Churning or restlessness or tension Climax Rest The whole process of sex tantrically mimics the whole process of creation of the universe. So the whole process of universe is as follows (it follows the flow of tantric sex ) Conceptual /primordial /consciousness (foreplay /tease) Heat dissipation - churning, restlessness /tension Climax. Spiritual climax. Feeling of ignition, ecstasy, enlightenment, freedom, pure bliss, experience, awakening, energy expression, cultivation, growth, expulsion, cleaning, equilibrium, policing, flow, cycle Rest. Permanent equilibrium. 4 processes here Ignition Combustion Flow(climax ) Bliss Stasis and Nonchalance In a constant state of sex.

@Snt_lk It is not really that other's don't exist, it is that we are the ineffable boundless infinite that is indistinct. The way you relate to anything is threw concepts, you make a distinction about a percived patturn in what is going on, and then you say it is this or that, but it is just the infinite fractal doing its thing, endlessly abstracting. If you didn't have any concepts there would be nothing to relate to, only being the beingness of Being, being You, God loving itself, doing God's thing, Being. The only reason that there would be anything to get is a relative reason, you are creating all reasons, the truth is you don't need to do anything. Although I would say it would be a good idea to desire what is true and aline yourself with that. What is true is always true, it is waiting for you to awaken to it, You are the Truth. The desire for survival pulls pretty hard, but we can trancend it, and just be in infinite bliss always.

Did this before and same with me. Just got launched straight into unfathomable bliss. I think I'm Gona try that way again. Recently when I plugged my ego started freaking out and started breathing real heavy and I could feel it saying "get the 5meo outta my ass RN!" lol. and I didn't even get past the first bit of the come up. I know plugging probably moves slower and offers more time to disintegrate the ego deeper. But Im the same as yourself @zikzak I need the 5meo train2hitMe *Choo Choo* lol

After a time of my new girlfriend losing interest and flaking, I spent 6 months obsessed with relationship / attraction theory trying to solve this. I was completely desperate to fix my problems (I was aware that it was me) and win her heart and sexual interest back. I was always analyzing every situation with her, making sure I was being alpha, saying the right things, she was showing interest, etc. My mind thought this was the best approach, but it was mentally draining. I intuitively knew there had to be a better way. And while it may have helped superficially, the problem wasn't actually solved. The insecurity was still there, the neediness was still there, the weakness was still there. All still underneath the mask of acting and playing the part of the alpha. It didn't really work. Intuition is real, and most women can smell a mask from authenticity any day, whether they realize it or not. Last month I had an awakening. Pure bliss, love, and peace filled my being. Seeing my true nature, Insecurity of the relationship vanished. Neediness vanished. I stopped caring about if my girlfriend was attracted to me or not. I stopped analyzing situations and if I was saying the right things. I stopped caring if I was alpha or beta. I completely let go of my obsession with being how all the attraction theory was telling me to be. I am completely fulfilled sitting alone in my room. Then, to my amazement: Girlfriends attraction and interest level goes up. No more games. No more flaking. Starts asking me if I want to spend the rest of my life with her like she does with me, etc. Always wants to talk about our relationship. Before, I always wanted to talk about the relationship and if she saw a future with me. What I learned is that no amount of theory, practicing theory, and demonstrating theory, can save you, if your fundamental problem of identifying yourself as a separate individual ego isn't discovered. All insecurity and fear rises from this. Of course other highly attractive males who are successful with women naturally don't need to discover this and could care less about spirituality. But they aren't necessarily researching relationship theory and "trying" to become attractive like I was and you may be. The moment I stopped stressing, worrying, and trying to be alpha, I became alpha. The love that fills my being can not be taken away by anyone, so I don't need anything from anyone. Detachment = highly attractive. Yes, old patterns and mechanisms still run from living from that place for so long, but they are seen and there is an ability to see these needy behaviors as something separate from me. A relic of my small self. Results don't matter to me anymore and my identity isn't involved, so they don't mean much and this makes them lighter in essence and easier to change or discard. The theme of things going full circle: Start of circle = I didn't care if I was alpha or beta, but I was operating from a place of neediness, weakness, and insecurity. Middle of circle = the realization of this weakness led me to overanalyze and overthink everything, making the problem and my spiritual health worse. Full Circle = I don't care if I'm acting alpha or beta, but I'm operating from a place of fullness, self-love, and self respect. My biggest realization - The more you are fulfilled in and of yourself, the more you deepen in the spiritual truth of non-duality (no others, just consciousness as your True Self) the more attractive you are. Neediness is eliminated. Weakness is eliminated (neediness & weakness stems from insecurity / fear of being a separate self). You are more expressive with your emotions (being happier and more joyful you naturally express yourself more). You are less likely to be manipulated and respect your Self more (the more conscious you are the clearer your boundaries and ability to see falsehood and deception) Yes strong dominant males exist without being spiritually inclined at all. But I doubt that these strong dominant males are joyful and completely fulfilled without spirituality as the core of their lives. If you are man, and all illusions are wiped away, you find that YOU ARE ALREADY naturally masculine. It's in our DNA. The lack of masculine wasn't something that needed to be cultivated or developed, it was a removal of all the insecurities and fears of being a separate self, and a removal of the shit our society, ourselves, and others put on us to keep us in a box. When that's gone, your true source shines through with no blocks. If you're a man, this will shine through purely masculine. Woman - purely feminine. To anyone in a similar situation - solve the root of this problem. You won't regret it. Stop caring if you are attractive or not, and you will get everything you wanted in the first place. Then you can work on all the other stuff from a place of fulfillment and detachment - fitness, looks, provisioning power, social status, social skills, etc. Note: I'm sure there are exceptions to this - people with mental disorders, autism, extremely poor, extremely overweight etc.

It's not about you or me doing or not doing. You can't change the nature of things. People change. Your only best shot is to screen for best compatibility but even then there is no guarantee. The only guarantee ever is a short term bliss.

It depends on the context of how you use the term "I". In my view, you seem to be using it at a personal / human level. There is immense potential in self healing, yet there are certain illnesses / injuries that would be extremely difficult to heal. I don't think it's fair to assume someone can simply heal certain illnesses and injuries by choosing to. One key aspect of severe trauma is that you don't have the power to believe your thoughts. You don't have the power to choose a thought that feels better or is more empowering. I'm talking about severe trauma in which that power is stripped away from you - that is one reason it is so hellish. What you are saying is great in some contexts, yet from my pov you do not understand what severe trauma is actually like. Keep in mind that PTSD is a difficult mind-body condition to treat. I think what you propose can be helpful in many cases and perhaps even cure some cases, yet I also think there are serious cases in which it's not so simple. As well, I'm not talking about mild traumas most of us face like a hyper-critical parent or dating a narcissist. I'm talking about intense trauma, severe anxiety, panic and psychosis. That is great and I totally agree. My father was an alcoholic and I experienced both verbal and physical abuse. Similar to how you describe, I introspected my thought stories and let them go. I've also had an amazing relationship with my father for over 20 yrs. I completely support this approach. Yet this isn't what I'm referring to. Here, what I'm trying to point to is that an aspect of severe trauma and PTSD is physical. It goes deeper than the illusion of controlling the narrative in one's mind. Ime, one of the most horrific components of severe panic is losing control of that illusory narrative. This mindset won't see a holistic view that includes what you are saying. My view is that what you are pointing at has value - yet there is a bigger picture. There is the value of the perspective you are offering AND value within scientific perspectives AND intellectual understanding AND direct experience perspectives AND empathic understanding. There is an expansive, inter-connected view that includes what you are saying. This is a construct you are creating. This is not at all what I'm saying. A creation of a thing called "wellness" is a relative construct. There are many forms of "well" and "not well" we can create. You seem to think that I see people with psychiatric issues as "not well". That would be partially inaccurate. I would say the experience of love and loving people as they are is enjoyable, yet my deeper desires are not to seek feelings of enjoyment. I would rather experience a wide range of human experience. This includes, yet is not limited to, feelings of enjoyment. This is one reason I have experiential understanding of a variety of places that most people would avoid. I'll go there and I'll go deep - sometimes into some extremely disturbing places. By saying "I choose good feelings", one is limiting themself. I have approached many doors and knew something deeply profound was on the other side. Yet I didn't know if it would involve "good" or "bad" feelings. You seem to be saying "don't go through the door if you can't choose for it to be a good feeling". That may be fine for others, yet I don't want to limit myself to a subset of experiences, insights and understanding. At the deeper experiential levels, I don't get to decide what's on the other side of the door. I've got to be willing to surrender that control. I've experienced bliss, love and beauty beyond description as well as tortuous realms of terror and agony. And I paid the price of entry. Thinking of myself as an empathic person is unappealing to me. I use the term "empathy" at times as a way to point and communicate to an immaterial essence. The term is used differently by different people. For me, empathy is not an intellectual or self identity thing. For me, empathy is a form of understanding and knowing that does not come from intellectual analysis and concept construction. It would be like sitting by a river with a friend and sharing a cool breeze together. Then the friend asks "Do you prefer to think of yourself as a 'breeze-full' person?". From the perspective of the breeze and the essence of sharing the breeze, it is a nonsensical question. That sounds like generic forms of identification. I'm referring to different phenomena. I see things as an integrated, holistic perspective that includes concepts, science, logic, spirituality, direct experience, empathic understanding, energetics and intuition. All of the boundaries between these categories are fuzzy to begin with and dissolve under observation and clarity. They are all inter-related in a whole. The only reason I use them is for convenience and communication. In the world I live, they are flowing together in a larger whole. In the context of enlightenment of a person / human, awakenings can certainly relieve a lot of mind-body distress - yet awakenings will not magically cure someone of all their neuroses, conditioning and ailments.

The more I [very slowly] see that I'm creating everything around me...the more I realise that everything is subjective perception and that i can choose to see things in a positive light. Allowing my tangible bliss and love flow into whatever part of my mind is feeling bad. Positivity is good. I mean if I get enlightened maybe I won't need positivity. But right now I do

What do my peeps think about the slowness of the come up whilst plugging? Advantage or disadvantage? I've found my ego struggles a lot more when it goes slowly. Like it has more time to sit and see what is coming and thus freak out slightly...and also, I'm considering giving up plugging and just smoking it because plugging is too much friggin effort to get right. Twice recently I plugged 20mg and felt very little. No bliss, no insane enlightenment states. Thoughts my brethren?

It's easy to feel good. Easy to choose to do something that contains more happiness, joy, excitement, passion, bliss than how you felt before. It's easy to put on a song that makes you feel better than you did before. Easy to think a thought that feels better than the previous one. Easy to do change your focus on something that feels a little better than what you used to focus on. When you feel good, doesn't goodness come to you? Easy to feel good when goodness comes to you. And then thus more goodness coming to you? Even easier to feel good then. It's easy, and fun, to think, while walking in the supermarket, on how you can do so in a most fun/exciting/joyous way. Easy to say something to someone that makes you feel a little better than what you used to say to him/her. It's fun, it's exciting, to make your day feel as good as you can and then the next day again. Easy. Easy! Easy!! No need to figure stuff out. No need to try hard or struggle with all sort of techniques. No need to take all sort of things into consideration when you want to choose something that feels good. You feel a little sucky at work and feel that you can't just quit with it? Still easy to make it a little more fun, joyous and exciting than the day before. Before feeling bad has gotten momentum, stop it before it's gets big, take a pause, do something that feels better. Even easier to feel good the next day, and the next, and the next! It's easy to overcome not good feeling states. It's easy to feel joy, easy to feel excitement, easy to feel appreciation for your life. Easy, sneazy, peasy

@Aaron p Great post! I personally really love bhakti yoga. Bhakti Yoga is very effective at creating emotions of love, bliss, selflessness, surrender and devotion. And raising your consciousness that way.

...as a means to intuively raise consciousness alongside hardcore practices. Awakening is hardcore, yes. So things like psychological strength are important... But Is it not also important to teach on how to literally create a more loving/enlightened reality *emotionally* since emotional evolution (with peace love and bliss at the top to.move towards) are an important avenue to self realization in that they can be used and accessed *intuively. ? Do we not need practical teachings on emotional elevation? Or perhaps what it means to intuively open ones heart...maybe make a video on "what is a heart"? I get that what is happening here is destroying egos including your own, and that that requires stringent teaching and heavy practices...but is there no place for teachings about emotions awakening...and hardcore emotional tenderness and sensitivity? ...positivity? Yes the shadow is for the most part ignored in other schools...but do we want to be careful not to let the pendulum swing too far the other way in that we completely forget about positive emotions and grace? What's your thoughts on compassion and kindness...and opening the intuitive heart? (Btw I'm well aware of how the practices work and how the ego is meant to try harder and harder until it fails, at which point the heart and intuitive love and emotions open. I wonder if I'd be the only one who would be interested in hearig your thoughts regarding this functionality and it's necessity, especially for those who have access to 5meo..). Also is it not important that we know how to surrender to love, intuively via emotions so that our ego doesent get ripped away too violently or quickly causing potential psychological damage?

I only had limited experience with polyamory... I was in a situation when I really felt free and happy with what I became in life and this fulfilment of mine seemed to attract women, too. My libido was sky high and one particular sensual girl opened up what I could only describe as "tantric" sex. No special rituals or anything, just intuitive, out of this world love-making, seeing things, "getting high" from sex, feeling energy flowing, connecting, her having very long (like 10 minutes and more of whole body shaking and twisting) orgasms, I had whole body orgasms, sort of "energetic" ones, etc. We also really felt connected and at ease with each other. A very deep and respectful interaction was going on. I tried to make sense of it all and found it all written in books on Daoist, Tantric, Sex Magick and similar sex practices, but there they mentioned practices and exercises to achieve that, while we somehow tapped into it intuitively. I also had zero need to "possess" her, no jealousy, she also expressed her wish to experiment with another female friend of hers, she was attracted to one of her old friends, who was gay, but she thought they could have sex anyway... and I encouraged her to be free, to experience it all, it takes nothing away from what we had... but - when I look back - I was not really in love with her - not deeply - I loved her as a very good friend, I was attracted to her sexually, but never imagined us becoming a monogamous "couple"... Yet the feeling of the moment was really liberating - like we could experience whatever we want, respect and love each other and everyone involved - it was very fresh and special. We had a few months of out of this world romance, also some "ritualistic magic" sex ordeals with some cannabis edibles, psilocybe mushrooms and not leaving the house for the whole weekends, only having crazy sex for several hours through the days and night, some resting, sleep and sex again, mutual bathing, food, wine, psychedelic journeys, music... all merging into one incredible sensual journey beyond reason, morality, shame, prejudices, where everything was allowed, everything tried out, us being completely open, transparent in our desires to each other, completely unhinged lust, even transforming into animals in visions - making love like a lion and lioness, making love as Shiva (archetype?), experiencing complete surrender, flow, sexual organs were shape-shifting into different forms and ways of connection - like my penis was "travelling" inside her body energetically, becoming longer, thicker, filling her deep, then becoming leaner and snake-like moving through her, triggering intense sensations of pleasure, bodies merging into one another ... all of that even increased that "tantric" kind of experience. It was not just sex, it was "witchcraft" and I really wish everyone alive can experience that. There's so much more possible in lovemaking than the ordinary sex. But there came the time when she had to go to Berlin and I had to go to have some workshops and lectures with other people and we were separated for a while. I was still in that special energy - feeling completely free and open, everything allowed, no jealousy, no possessiveness, I even joked with her on email if she managed to have sex with her female crush and how was it... and I genuinely wished that she had and that she experienced that. But she only wrote to me about how she misses me and about the plans where to go on holidays together, which I was looking forward to, also. While I was with other people there was one particularly nice friend, and as open as I was, she became attracted to me and I felt desire for her. It felt so innocent, so pure, nothing bad meant for anyone, only passion unhinged. We kissed almost by accident one day, the tension becoming too high and we had a wild "affair" in the hotel, the room was shared with some other attendees of the seminar we were at, so we even sneaked onto a balcony at night to have sex, once also got "caught" by one friend, who just left the balcony and we were so lustful that we continued "fucking", knowing she won't come back... We were shameless, joking with our unhinged desire - we talked in dirty words about our lust, being a cocky bastard, she liked to be a "whore", bitch, wanted me to watch her, doing all kind of "depraved" sexual acts with full intensity, we "fucked like rabbits"... she was even squirting - which I experienced for the first time. But there was absolutely no negative emotion, no shame, no jealousy... I also felt deep appreciation and affection towards her. Like finding another special person with whom we can connect on deeper levels. It was a real feeling of bliss on Earth. Freshness, freedom, love, sexual energy! I felt I need to tell my other lover about that, I thought, wow, we have something special going on - everyone is so open, sensual, we can have such a special time on this Earth, enjoying so much together, no one "owning" anyone, all sharing affection and sensuality... and then - blackout... she was devastated to hear I had sex with another woman, she obviously only pretended to be open and free and wanting to experiment with others, while I really felt this openness and freedom... Then I started thinking if all this was wrong - if I hurt people... was I morally wrong? Selfish? I still felt honest and free, but I witnessed hurting others with my unhinged actions... All of us stopped communicating (they didn't want to hear from me). Then another crush of mine contacted me. A very sexy, but timid girl, who didn't know what she wants - she was very horny, single and not able to make connections to any man for several years, because she was too hurt in the past relationships. We met and (because I seemed to be so open and it somehow translated to others) she overcame her shyness and invited me for a massage (she was doing some training for a massage therapist) I agreed. Of course it turned into another otherworldly love-making session... I discovered that obviously that first girl (or our interaction) opened something in me - some sort of "sexual initiation" and that from now on I had similar experiences with all the lovers who were also surprised and discovered a new way of love-making in our "sessions"... The trick was, though, that it also triggered some sort of possessiveness, they wanted to keep that only for themselves, despite declaring free spirit and openness before. It only complicated things way too much. Everyone getting hurt, me feeling like a "gigolo" asshole in the end. We talked about these things, but none of them could feel the same way, even though they contacted me, wanted to establish communication again, but ignoring the other girls, like they don't exist... I think it is very difficult to have those dynamic relationships and maintain some balance, so everyone is happy and friends with everyone else... At that moment none of them had other partners, so I couldn't test how I would REALLY feel - because it was only hypothetical - maybe I would also become jealous or sad or felt cheated... Anyway - we managed to come to terms later and remain (distant) friends and I connected with another girl later, felt deep love for her, a sense of belonging and it felt like a very deep connection, so we "formed a couple" and live together now. I understand this feeling of openness and freedom, but I really don't desire more partners now. I am happy with my "wife" and we develop and grow together. Maybe some of you will find a way to remain in such an open relationship in which everyone is fulfilled and happy, but my experience was as I wrote in all the detail to paint the complexity of the situation (it was even more messed up and tasking). I have no prejudices either way. Do what feels right and makes you function and grow better in this world. Be honest and loving to other people in any way you function with them. But even with all good intentions, you could end up hurting others. Also - really be honest about your actions - having more partners to whom you lie and hide others, is not polyamory, Complete honesty and transparency is needed and then you will see if everyone is really happy in that "arrangement" and if it works.