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You are right, I actually wrote about Leo but then removed from my post, since considering the good work that he has done we can give him some levy on this. This could very well be a marketing thing, how else an enlightened person who wants to have a competitive edge will promote himself? It's a rough world out there. And at a deeper level he may convince himself that he is doing good (which he is), But Ironically it's quite similar logic to what suicide bombers use i.e. In the end it's for greater good, the logic of allowing for the necessary evil or necessary violence. But on serious note, I simply don't know his reasons, It could be just a statement of truth for him, irrespective of it's use for me. But I do get it that it's a hinderance of experiencing the truth in my case.

As for the thread title, "Why you don't live in the world / But in the Source", I'd poke at it like this... and with all due respect. @James123 is steadfast, direct, and a loving dream-character in my book. What is initially realized is profound, and often initiates the utter collapse of the entire thought structure previously understood by the mind as reality. Once the dust settles, the realization seems to point to the mind-based fact that, conceptually speaking, reality is in/of the world (i.e., existence), and what was/is Realized is inclusive of reality. This gives rise to the idea of illusion, perhaps, as if what is perceived is NOT the entire reality (such a problematic word, hehe). This, neurologically speaking, is the left-brained/logical expression, which is limited... still. The integration that is often alluded to, is to employ the right-brain, in the embodiment process in "the return". This latter part, the complete integration 'after the return', is what Zen Masters would be testing for (See: koans, Zen stories between master and monks, etc.... they can get pretty extreme, AND why they often gravitate around paradoxes - which are always born of the thinking mind, and not the open mind-heart). 'Together', they are what the Sino-Japanese character for mind pointed to ( 心 ). To add a further twist for students of the language, the exact same character is used for heart. Ch'an/Zen pointed to the full-on realization of (capitalized in order to distinguish) One Mind ( 一心, '一' means one or united), as the source of all that exists. Even that superficial understanding does not grasp the grasplessness of it, of course, as there were never 'two' to be united (which is the realization of 'not two'- non-duality). Some called it the Void, due to ITS inexplicable nature, beyond words, concepts.... mind.... IT is not a thing, but THAT in which all existence arises. Pisses the mind off during the search, hehe. So, how would I write the title? It would probably depend on the context, inclusive of the peep spoken to, the prior discussion/context, the goal of the interaction, the intensity of the peep, etc. But here are a few to tinker with: +Why you don't live in the world, but are in/as Source +Why you live in the world, but are not necessarily of it (Refers to the Bible, while not a direct quote, John 17, where he prayed for his followers, emphasizing that they are in the world but not of it) + Why the world is in the Source, but not necessarily of it Depending on the context (again), I might even go to the extreme Advaita Vedanta that Ramana or Niz often used, and say there is no 'you', but YOU in which existence unfolds. Lots of expressions.... All of this, it appears, James has realized, but he can chime in if he'd like. On a more inquisitive and then somber note: This may allude to reasons why when during conversations, many cultures, when referring to "me", will often point to their chest (heart). Interestingly, when the Japanese do the same gesture, they point at their face (which is how most are remembered by 'other people'). However, when committing suicide, statistics show that three times more people will shoot themselves in the head (mind) than in the heart. Hmmm...

I remember a blog post (I think), where Leo said, he had to open up to suicide. This actually frightened me quite a bit. Having had suicidal ideation (because of suffering), a lot of what keeps me going is a beleif that life can become beautiful, meaningful, enjoyable. That happiness can be achieved. Trying to pursue that deep mystical life however is kind of strange if it all ends up at suicide again. I was wondering if there is any update on that. Is suicide different when doing it out of suffering vs some super conscious decision? Is life really not enjoyable after all these enlightenment experiences to a point, that suicide is not an option? I hope this questions are not too private.

Life has meaning in every dimension and perspective. For example, it can mean suffering in prison or breathing while in a coma or be depressed and then commit suicide, or weight 250 kg and eat 3 kg of ice cream by day. Every micro-vibration that appears in life has infinite significance; it's there because it's absolutely inevitable and necessary for the harmony of the whole. Every step you take reverberates in eternity. It's the flow of the dance of form, a perfect symphony, absolutely synchronized. The meaning of life is life. If you open your eyes, it's obvious. Ralston quotes Henry Miller, who was always drunk and whoring. That was the meaning of his life. And, by the way, the Tropic of Cancer and the Tropic of Capricorn are great.

Again, this isn't true. Maybe a quarter million to a half million Jews left Israel since October 7th and got passports to other countries. Israel doesn't want the real number revealed because they want the Jews that haven't left yet to still have faith in the colony project even though staying puts them at risk. These Jews left after a very small attack where 1200 Jews died most of them adults. They also left after 50 or so Jews died when Iran was sending missiles for two weeks After 2 years of Palestinians dying in the worst way, their entire homes exploding, losing multi generational family members, losing children and babies, starving, having no security or superpower to back them up. They still are not leaving To pretend that Jews are the same as Palestinians in their determination to stay on the land is setting them up for failure. It's a suicide mission to hype them up with false motivation and send them to slaughter. The issue is obvious. You don't know what it means to be indigenous. Lying about religion, ancestral homelands, and fear of European prosecution to steal is not enough to be rooted in land. Only actually being from that land is enough. Which is why one side runs and the other stays Let me guess what you will say next "No, even if the USA stopped defending us we would still stay and fight". Even though you have no facts to back up that statement People die in war all the time. Doesn't mean you can pass that trauma onto another group. If everyone in the world was like the Jews then the Palestinians would have done the same to another country, and that other country would have done the same to another country, and so on. Nobody wants to live in a world like that No, what happened before is completely irrelevant to YOU. Because you think very selfishly and with comedic amounts of bias. Facts matter. Palestinians have paperwork of everything they lost, they remember what villages they are from, they have keys to their homes, have a clear understanding at how the zionist state was formed and who were the accomplices, and have organized lists of all the deceptions and crimes that have been committed against them over 80 years. You guys stole an entire country with trillions of dollars of wealth inside it, kicked out all of the people and forced them to be refugees, then smeared their names to the point where they are considered brutal terrorists, then destabilized their entire region so even the places they got kicked into sucked, and either caged them into or built settlements on the little bit of land they had left. They have been incredibly patient and willing to go the extra mile with Israel

This is truly incredible I somehow found this video on YouTube of a man talking about how he overcame the physical pain of trigeminal neuralgia using large amount of mindfulness/meditation practice. Trigeminal neuralgia is called the “suicide disease” because the pain is so severe it’s known as one of the most, like top two, most painful conditions that exist. It’s rated on McGill pain index higher than for example childbirth I only listened to the video once and it was kinda long so I don’t remember a lot of details of what he said. But basically he studied some of Shinzen Youngs work that talked about how pain + resistance = suffering. That pain is not inherently suffering (what I used to think). And one can learn how to not resist, something like that, and overcome the suffering. The man already was spiritual and did practice, but he added this large amount of mindfulness to the pain and overcame it. He even mentioned doing invasive dental work without needing painkiller due to his mindfulness ability making him not suffer the pain. I don’t know if this man is a genetic freak, he is very stubborn and has discipline which helps him, and his history of already doing spiritual practice helps too. But nonetheless it’s truly remarkable. To think that someone could overcome one of the most severe pain in the world using the mind (or deactivating the mind or whatever you wanna call it) is just incredible. What you guys think? Does this give hope for the many pain sufferers all over the world or is it just something a select few can accomplish because of the amount of determination needed?

Close your eyes and listen to this song - It is the best thing I've experienced in 6 months during struggling with my issues. I love ambience music. My mind isn't a great state right now but sometimes some music breaks through.

suicide has never really been an option for me. it's mostly just a matter of how do i live and tolerate life, how do i survive somehow. it's always just about Life, and that i want life to be good and okay for me, and i don't know how to make that happen. why am i so helpless and weak? Why is this so hard? it's too hard. so hard that the struggle is taking up too much space - not an enjoyable, adventurous amount of space, but it's all one gigantic vacuum of despair and dread and helplessness, of EVERYTHING being affected, nothing being right or easy or simple anymore. it's too much. it's not okay. whoever scripted this: this is not okay! some sense of quest, challenge, adventure may be fun, may indeed be needed in life - but this is too much! it's taking away way too much from the joy and fulfilment and inloveness that i know life should be. i don't even need life to be perfect, i'm okay with some levels of challenge and discomfort. but this is too much, God! it's too much. it's taking up too much room and ruining all the good bits. please just let me live in peace, let me be and let me breathe, for once. for God's sake!

I put myself in the other's shoes To understand a person's energy equation, the meaning of what is being told is not the end, but it is also and above all the form of the message, why it is told rather than kept intimate, and the whole context; this is the path to clairvoyance. For example, for the case of op : 1)The fact that he made a post about it, that it was expressed, shows me that he plays at making a demonstration of power towards the social body. I want people to see me as someone who is more powerful than his libido. And what's behind that is : I want to enjoy seeing others see me and being potentially impressed by my detachment (from my sexual and selfish needs in general). I can feel a bit of that energy from you sometimes when you talk about how (the way) you could commit suicide because of your problems etc btw; When I think about op or this energy in general, I have the vision of very tense people discussing how to deal with this cumbersome little thing called libido (in the sense of drive in general, not just sexual in absolute terms), treated like a kind of child, with professional nods; like two mothers discussing very seriously their child who has such a problem. It's a kind of proud and sacrificial mother archetype. Here I'm going to cheat and move a little away from clairvoyance and towards Freud, but I know that if the mother (plus both parents in general for a girl) is strong enough, defense mechanisms like the threat of castration by the rival parent, or by authorities that have generally prohibited incest, can become very powerful and enjoyable, even if exhausting, due to their ability to keep castration at bay. No one can say I'm a loser or anything if I don't play to win, to have sexual relations (among other things). I don't play; I'm above that, so I win. And what's underneath is : No, I will not be the plaything of mom and dad (especially mom for men and rather both or the father for women, but once again it is very individual) who want me to be a fulfilled man or woman (in this case sexually), it will not happen like that. Playing the game of sexuality would mean accepting being subjected to the game, and I chose not to be subjected to that one in particular because of possibly bad experiences but especially because I understood that my parents fantasize about leaving me satisfied and that gave me the impression of cutting myself off from my freedom. I could do better, but I achieve something like this if I play the clairvoyant a little.

I think physical pain can be equally as bad as mental, just depends on the degree. Yea it’s best to try to heal it. But in cases it can’t be healed the possibility of transcendence/acceptance can be explored. I recently saw a YouTube video of a guy with trigeminal neuralgia aka “suicide disease “ (one of the most painful conditions) who transcended his suffering through extreme mindfulness practice. It’s incredible but the caveat seems to be that it’s very difficult to attain. Shinzen young whom he studied talks about it

This week was already the second time that I stumbled on internet (first time was few month ago) that three people committed suicide because they watched actualized.org. I don’t know if it’s true but I would say it’s not, though, on most videos that Leo releases he puts a disclaimer about suicidal and on very few deep videos like one about poetic vision he had, he warned that that those who are suicidal should not watch. I am not here to argue whether it’s true or not, my question is why is it suicidal to begin with. At first Leo always warn not to commit suicide and all his teachings are actually geared for a profound life. I would understand for example, if Leo was teaching people to have a high paying job, drive expensive cars, have sex with the most beautiful girls then I would understand, as most people cannot achieve all those items, then they would feel suicidal. But it’s the other way around where Leo teaches people to be humble and seek the truth and connect with your higher self that technically anyone can do that, all you need is to just find time alone and be with yourself, you don’t even need to be social. Realistically can someone explain, why would someone be suicidal after those teachings. Unless the person plans to kill himself and just use actualized.org as an excuse, but he could have used any excuse even watching CNN. Or someone with extremely weak psyche who gets depressed by seeing someone killing an insect?

Can you imagine, the one who suffers a lot / unbearably, does not suicide and at some point mind kills itself. Then one realizes they are the moment. Who was born, alive or will die is just an attachment with thoughts.

Suicide is to be met with compassion. Because people who commit suicide are probably at their absolute brink of suffering . It’s unbearable so it’s understandable they end it. But I see your point. It’s just hard to surrender when you suffer you just want it to go away

Suicide is easy, running away. Real death is completely surrendering while alive.

I read comments under my YT videos every week of people saying how much the work has changed their lives, even saved them from depression and suicide. If you are not seeing benefit from the work that means you aren't actually doing it, you are misunderstanding what the work is, you are probably lost in concepts. There are thousands of insights in this work and you haven't gotten any of them? You are just reading words and having ideas. Yes, that alone is pointless. But that isn't even to begin the work. Yes, it is very hard to experience the stuff Ralston talks about. It requires serious hardcore meditative practice. There is no easy way to understand deep metaphysical truths. The only way is either psychedelics or week-long meditation retreats. If you are not doing that you will not understand God. I think you are underestimating the seriousness of this work. Did you really think you would transcend death with such meek effort? We are talking about insanely difficult things here. What is it you want me to do? Stop doing my work because you are too lazy to do a 2-week meditation retreat? This work is very, very, very advanced. It requires the drive of a bull to succeed in it. After you complete 10 two-week meditation retreats, then you may complain about it not working. But until then you just haven't even begun the serious work. The problem is, people today have no work ethic. They expect Awakening to be like watching Netflix and quit as soon as the work gets rolling. Zen monks meditate for years and still don't reach these insights.

You're assuming there's a someone there with an ideology. The ideology makes up the someone and their identity. Think you can just ask someone to commit suicide and they just easily oblige. What is ego but a bunch of ideologies, beliefs , ideas and so on. I keep saying there's no person there, no one in these bodies and it's just flinched at. There's no one to give up an ideology. That ideology is an apparent separate entity all on it's own, it has to 'die' on it's own. The so-called person didn't choose to believe that ideology, it happened all on it's own, so it has to fall away on it's own. To give up an ideology for another is death to the existing ideology. A part of the person dies. Most of the time it's replaced by another and if there is no replacement, the existing ideology stays home until it's kicked out of the garden. It's the same as an addiction, out with the old in with the new. The ego hangs on this way. It fights for it's existence and a mere conversation by another ego isn't going to do the trick. Another belief has to take it's place and another and another and another to form a new ideology system. That's what the person is made of, not the body. The body is it's own thing.

For me it's simple, my family was a hell of premium level destructive addicted, my mental structure was basically rage, shame and hate, obviously trying to get out of there but it was impossible, there was always a background of that absolutely all the time, then you see there are two possibilities, commit suicide or get out of there. Self-help tricks don't work, since obviously I've tried them, I'm not a lazy person, I've tried all kinds of things, because I was afraid of people I've boxed with guys from Eastern Europe who work in clubs and want to kill you hundreds of times, because I needed control I crossed the Atlantic in a sailboat that looked like destroyed sailing alone, through the north with lightning and 10m waves, twice, once I was in mental loop and I bought a 2k motorcycle without experience in traveling by moto and I went alone from Madrid to Senegal and back without sleeping in a hotel, on the ground and without knowing anything about the place, just to see if I could get out of the loop, and I couldn't. many more things, all kinds of rather extreme things, nothing works, your structure of hate is still there, inevitable, solid, that's who you are, you can't escape. So all that's left is to turn inward and go through it, you can't fool yourself because hate will whisper in your ear all the time. You can only break your structure until nothing remains and open yourself to the total substance of what you are, there is no deception possible. Then, as I did and I do now quite easy and I ve zero contraction, anxiety, disfuncional behavior, lack, mental mess, just openess, clean experience all time, I think I understood quite good how this game works and maybe I could explain not bad how it is without get trapped in the usual spiritual traps

Is there a reason why you still don't want to say what exactly this evil shit is? I promise you I am not scared. I actually have made a disturbing disturbing recently that recontextualizes my entire life. It previously seemed unimaginably cruel, but now I understand. Basically, my severe childhood trauma was not an accident. The child support enforcement system, the foster care system, and child protective services are deliberately ineffective. I witnessed this clearly with my father using drug deals to avoid child support and the governor of Ohio lied to me, telling me that my case was a rare and unfortunate tragedy. In reality these systems that are supposed to protect children from severe trauma are deliberately ineffective and in practice it serves those in power because trauma makes a population easier to manipulate through fear, just as was discovered when militaries would use mass rape as a form of psychological warfare to control the population. On top of that the trauma and depression that develops sets me up to be exploited by a medical industry with ineffective anti-depressants and therapists that also give me false hope for healing. They tell me suicide is never the answer only because My life is profitable to them. They will turn around and either use euthanasia when it is profitable or abandon suicidal people for lack of insurance. The medical system is designed such that most people never will recover from trauma because it allows them to drain me of more of My money. My terrible childhood that I struggle to recover from was not merely bad luck, but rather the logical consequence of a deeply corrupt system that benefits from me struggling with this family drama and psychological trauma so that I therefore focus on my own recovery rather than the systemic problems that created my circumstances. It is not an accident that we have so many abusive families, financially unstable families, and high rates of mental illness relative to other developed nations. This trauma I struggle with serves those in power, and that is why there are so many barriers to accessing the appropriate care I need, while I am taught that I just need to cope better and be responsible for my mental health. Also notice that foster care children are disproportionately ending up in military service on top of the fact that the military deliberately targets poor families with financial benefits so that they can die for elite interests. My terrible life was deliberately manufactured, not an accident. Is this what you are referring to? What evil could be so terrible that you are just not telling us? My entire life narrative and family background has already fallen apart because of the corruption I learned about. I'm not sure what else I have to lose or fear by learning of even deeper evil. I have discovered that my suicidal thoughts and severe depression are the result of a system designed to create people like me. I still maintain that I am not merely upset with remaining corruption. In fact, to even call me upset is to assume my emotional state and therefore make me seem less reasonable. I promise I am not crying or fuming, though I have a sense of righteous anger in my body. I am just trying to learn more and get to the truth. The righteous anger I am experiencing is the fact that morality has been systemically weaponized to make us complacent with our "moral progress" while being used to maintain or legitimize presently oppressive systems. You claim humanity is becoming less corrupt, but from my point of view humanity is developing more sophisticated methods of corruption and control which are rooted in the same power dynamics and motives which have existed throughout all of history. This is done with the intent to appear to be more morally advanced by comparison to past generations. Are you able to see how the idea that we are more morally advanced than the past generations can be propaganda designed to make us grateful for the system we have and thus less likely to challenge it? They want you to think we are more morally advanced because it serves them. This righteous anger is the same as with my dysfunctional family. I hate people who capitalize on my compassion and my desire to be responsible and do the right thing. I hate being forced to "be the bigger person" as if not standing up to abuse makes me morally superior when really this is just my family manipulating me into silence through weaponizing morality and selectively invoking family values. This is actually similar to my righteous anger toward these systems because they share a lot of parallels to my abusive family. to be honest, learning about all of this has made me feel a lot better, not worse. I used to believe in all those victim blaming narratives about personal responsibility and rugged individualism. Now that I see through the victim blaming narratives, I actually feel much better, not worse from learning about evil. This victim blaming is baked into our entire society whether it is schools, self-help, therapy, college, or work. I now understand that my society is designed to make me feel inferior and less worthy as if I am not good enough while maintaining the myth of meritocracy. I find this very empowering, not depressing. What ever great evil you are referring to, maybe it won't black pill me. Maybe I will accept it like everything else. I can't imagine what great evil could be so bad that it is far beyond everything I just described and would make me feel crushed. Are you willing to challenge the limits of my imagination, or am I just gonna have to do more digging until I figure out this great evil you are referring to? If you are not comfortable telling me, you can just say. It might explain it if you are afraid that exposure to these great evil will cause secondary trauma. I have experienced in that in my research. Some great evils used to cause me nightmares just by hearing about them. I would have to imagine that at minimum this is the great evil you are referring to, but it is probably worse than that of it is that bad. The greatest evil I can imagine is that all of these exploitative systems that cause mass suffering and death, are not designed for the sake of enriching the elites, but rather they are designed purely for the sake of suffering itself no matter how many people die from war, rape, genocide, poverty, starvation, and so forth. The elites don't actually care about money and power, but rather they just like making people suffer. What great evil would black pill me if not this, the greatest evil I can imagine? Maybe the elites know that money has no real value but they want the discrepancy in wealth and conditions to make us have righteous anger at things we can never change, all for their enjoyment. I personally don't believe that, but if this great evil is so bad, it might be at that magnitude. Sorry if I overwhelmed you with the text though. I feel a tad passionate about all of this.

Nice to hear this conversation. A friend told me that appart of many qualities I have this tendency to be negative, but what she misunderstand is that I dont hold NewAge naivety that Aliens will show up and save the day, the world,nature etc.. or some Evangelicals belief that Jesus will come back and put stuff on order. Maybe was not a good ideia to read and keep reading history books, but history show clearly that even if we as humanity have so much beautifull aspects we still behave in general as devils with each other and with Nature, Nature that we in general take as separeted from us and that no matter what we do it will be ok always. But the true is that we are slowly commiting suicide.

I lost the love of my life (so far, I am confident I'll meet someone else) through a combination of unclear boundaries, emotional instability, and ego tricking me with shiny objects (hotter girls). I can't even begin to describe the level of misery that ensued. Depression is thrown out there for all sorts of mental states, this was a level of despair and misery that consumed my entire being basically 24/7 for the better part of a year. It was so intense that I feared I would die, not necessarily from suicide, I feared the feeling itself would kill me.

Your true friend is he who shows you the path that leads to your Supreme Friend. One who takes you along the road of certain death, of sense enjoyment, is not your friend or well-wisher. He is your enemy. He is showing you the way to suicide. Avoid his company. He who urges you to take the path to Immortality, to go out in search of the Supreme Friend, he is your true friend. This Body is the friend of you all, don't you think so? ~ Sri Anandamayi Ma

The purpose of suicide is still for mind's safety for not to suffer. Because, there is something worst then surviving, which is suffering, therefore, it is still surviving. Logic includes, names and labels right or wrong, flaw or flawless. Therefore, logic is an limitation itself.

No, it can also be used for other things, for example to commit suicide

Before judging this thread being irresponsible or and immature. Take a moment to really understand my project: basically I fucked up in this life. I had trouble from 14 to 18 and ended up with fatigue chronic and bipolar disorder but I did well att school because I put all my eggs into studying. Anyway after when a gf entered my life the first time, that s here I understood how fucked up I was. I squander the relationship from a to z. The girl was totally in Love with me. It was easier to not screw than to screw but I like challenges! anyway I was very serious prepararing ingenireeng school and made lots of sports from 19 to 22 but at 22 I discoverd Leo so of course at 23 I started my psychedelics journey or should I say my shroom journey. One year was enough to put me into psych ward were my body mind has been forsaken forever. I’ve been in a very very very dark place for 4years. But enough is enough, I won’t carry all that unconsciousness/ shiet my all life. I wanna die with a mignimum of dignity and the more I wait the more my dignity decrease. Anyway, I ll find a way to kill myself and to know what there is after you kill yourself !! I’m so excited for this adventure. Sorry for the excitements of this post I took to many xanax before writing. That shit is gooooood. I hope some people will understand that this surfing ntil suicide attitude is my best possible attitude regarding now. I have nothing to bring to anyone, I am a leash to my wonderful family. I just can’t wait to put a bullet between my two eyes. plz don’t judge. It’s actually a very serious topic. I don’t recommand that to anyone unless you are in a similar situation where you are carrying an enormous amount of shiets. I’ll of course write loving letters to all people I love and once I will become a demon if god does not let me pass to Heaven I’ll send all that touch my family in hell. kiss kiss

Part 12. Where am I now? I have no degree. No valuable skills. Zero money in my bank account. I grew up in poverty. At winter my parents melted dirty snow in order for us to have water. And in autumn and spring they would gather rain in the barrels. We had no bathroom and could wash ourselves only like 5-10 times a year. We even didn't have a toilet. So i guess I also have a mindset of a poor person. But at the moment I am not conscious of those beliefs connected to money. I have a huge baggage with trauma that is dragging behind me wherever I go. C-PTSD, Developmental trauma, Narcissistic trauma, Sexual trauma, you name it. Only two years ago I realized that it's okay to have needs, I also didn't know that it's okay to feel anger. I haven't been able to feel it until this year. I still rarely can feel it though. I guess it wasn't safe for this emotion to come through when i was growing up and a huge chunk of it has been supressed over the course of my life. So when someone crosses my boundaries or abuses me I can't feel anger and I just let people do whatever they want.Instead of anger comes anxiety. Most of the time i feel flat, or I am dissociated, and I feel like I am standing behind the glass and watching the life go by. Everyday i have anxiety attacks that come from nowhere. Sometimes terror. I am drawn to narcissists and psycopaths. Couple of years ago I found out that it actually okay to say "No" to people. I am slowly getting better at it. I feel completely empty inside and I don't really have a normal sense of identity. Couple of days ago I've been really feeling it. It was so painful. I was crying and thinking "What do i need to learn? What do I need to achieve? at what do I need to succeed to finally feel worthy of existence? to feel worthy of love.. What do I need to do or become to fill the void inside of me? What do i need to get so i can finally feel like it's okay to be me, like it's okay to be alive? " Is this why people chase status and expensive things like designer clothes, bags and so on? There is a lot of emotional pain also that lives in my body. I feel it constantly. The core of my being is shame, guilt and fear. I am still afraid to talk when I am around people and feel guilty if i do speak. I feel guilty for taking up space, i feel guilty for talking or being there. If I am resting and someone comes and sees that I wasn't doing anything productive I get very anxious and fearful. Thinking they will abandon me or will get furious. I have major trust issues. I have memory issues. And i am constantly exhausted. I feel guilt and shame for my own existence. And i have so much self-hatred that lives inside of me. And it is so so painful.. My psyche is fragmented to many and many different parts. I feel like the number is 60+. I have never been whole. And it is confusing and painful. Recently, with my psychotherapist we found out that I was playing out a Hamartic life script. (And also that I had a core belief that "The only way for me to be seen is to be abused") I will share here what it is: "Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional analysis (TA), introduced the concepts of "Life scripts"- Unconscious life plans formed in early childhood, often based on messages (spoken or unspoken) from parents and caregivers. A hamartic life script is one of the most tragic and powerful types he described. What is a Hamartic life Scenario? The term hamartic comes from "hamartia", a concept in Greek tragedy-meaning a fatal flaw or unconscious error that leads to a hero's downfall. In Berne's framework, a hamartic life scenario is: A life story that is tragic, compulsive, and follows a pattern of self-destruction -- often because of unconscious loyalty to parental commands or unresolved internal conflict. Characteristics of a Hamartic Script 1. Pre-determined tragic outcome. The individual unconsciously aims at a painful or destructive end: failure, loneliness, illness, addiction, imprisonment, or even death. It is not chosen rationally, but it is lived out predictably 2. Unconscious loyalty to caregivers or early decisions Often rooted in covert parental messages like: -"You'll never amount to anything" -"Don't be more successful than me" -"You ruined my life-now suffer" Or early internal decisions like: -"I must pay for being born" -"If I'm good, maybe they'll love me" 3.Repetition compulsion The person repeats the same self-defeating patterns, despite wanting change. Often, they sabotage themselves just before success or happiness. 4.Scripted suffering The person seems "magnetized" to loss, rejection, or failure -- almost as if it's familiar and expected. There may be deep guilt associated with joy or freedom. Origin of the Script Scripts usually form before age of 7. They are written by: Early coping decisions made under emotional stress Patterns of relating and surviving in the family system Parental injunctions. (Where do they come from: 1.Parental behaviors - neglect, criticism, overprotection, emotional withdrawal. 2.Family atmosphere - grief, war, poverty, addiction, narcissism. 3.Projection - Parents may unconsciously project their own unresolved pain or unmet needs onto the child. 4.intergenerational trauma - injunctions often repeat across generations.) Such as: 1.Don't be -Message: "You shouldn't have been born." -Impact: Deep shame, suicidal ideation, self-erasure. 2.Don't be you -Message: "I don't like the kind of person you are" -Impact: Identity confusion, inauthenticity, self-rejection. 3.Don't be a child -Message: "Grow up, Stop crying, Stop needing." -Impact: Early parentification, chronic seriousness, guilt over fun or joy. 4.Don't grow up -Message: "Stay small so I can control you/ always need me" -Impact: Dependency, fear of adulthood or independence. 5. Don't make it -Message: "You're not allowed to succeed" -Impact: Self-sabotage before success, guilt around achievement. 6. Don't be important -Message: "Your needs don't matter." -Impact: Fawning, people-pleasing, invisibility in relationships. 7. Don't belong -Message: "You don't feet in" -Impact: Chronic outsider syndrome, difficulty with connection 8.Don't be close -Message: "Closeness is dangerous/shameful" -Impact: Avoidant attachment, intimacy issues, fear of vulnerability 9.Don't be well (or sane) -Message: "You get love love only when you're hurt, sick, or broken" -Impact: Psychosomatic issues, fear of wellness or joy, trauma identity. 10. Don't think -Message: "Don't question me/ authority/ what's true." -Impact: Poor decision-making, intellectual self-doubt, confusion. 11. Don't feel -Message: "Stop crying/ toughen up/ you're too emotional" -Impact: Emotional repression, dissociation, fear of feelings 12. Don't do anything -Message: "You'll fail anyway/ Don't even try" -Impact: Paralysis, learned helplessness, procrastination" When I was very little I dreamed of death. And when I became a teenager I even gave a promise outloud to myself to commit suicide by the time I am 27. So my hamartic life script was - death. And even though consciously I was dreaming of a different life. I tried to bring change into my life many and many times, but eventually I would sabotage myself. Consciously I wanted to be happy and to have a very different life to what it always has been. But somehow I would made choices and end up in situations that would trigger desire for isolation and suicidal thoughts. I was saved from suicide in 2019. And since then I thought that I chose to go a different path and that my promise is not at play anymore. But turned out that I still was going down that path. But now I am aware of it and can make a different choice. I am holding onto that scenario by being in a relationship that I have right now. Being with this person gives the fuel and resources for me to keep going down my hamartic life script. Because by being with him I recieve evidence that I am unworthy of love, that I am too much and that my feelings and I don't matter. Which confirms my inner world and my reality. But my intuition is screaming that it is time to go. Most parts of me wanna go, but that little part of me that never got any love from parents can't let go. I really want to finally let go of my past and that hamartic life scenario. I am ready for a change. And to really start working on it with my psychotherapist. She is really good.