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I feel so bad to see the delusion of equating awakening/enlightenment as supposing to bring happiness and bliss. People invent all sorts of ideas to try to feel better about this impersonal existence. Trying to cope, to have something to look forward to, hope, something other than this. This can seem like a horrible place yes, if there's someone seeming to witness it. Life isn't horrible to life, it just is and with all of the monstrosities and all. It can feel terrible, that sense of self, the sense of a separate human being that lives in a world that needs to be protected and fights to feel safe. It doesn't feel good. Feeling like one has their back up against the wall will make that individual resort to many things and humanity has faced this over and over again and has systematically constructed all sorts of things to overcome this feeling including enlightenment and awakening. When you see how the word happiness is usually used in the same sentences when speaking about liberation it's so obvious why these terms including many others were invented - to feel better about their existence. Everywhere you turn it's all about trying to feel happy, why is that?

Yes, an absolute is absolute - but do we really grasp that as itself? Or is it merely intellect? Either way, this is the problem of conflating these domains. A thing gets to exist thanks to its being limited. So when you say something like my hand, that's a particular, and this is what we call relative. Your toes aren't a cup, or a cat, or joy - they're that particular thing. Otherwise, there would be no need to distinguish it from what it is not. So here's a new thought: We live in the relative. The relative is everything. Everything you experience is relative. A thing exists in relation to what is not that thing. And then we have the so-called absolute as a possibility for us to realize. Perceiving may well be impersonal, so the fact that it occurs shouldn't be extrapolated into some observer lurking behind it. We could take a deeper approach here, but with this medium it is tricky. What is experience? What is self?

No, this is an illogical contradiction. Infinity is all; therefore, it is all. All exists. It’s really not much “deeper” than that, but experientially, it’s overwhelming haha. When Leo or we say “God must experience,” it’s just semantics; you can define it better. You have a set of all 10 numbers. That must mean 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 are included, and they must be. If they weren’t, then the set “all 10 numbers” wouldn’t be a set of all 10 numbers. The same goes for infinity. Infinity means it has all, therefore freedom and restriction, horrors and goodness, self and lack of it, etc. If infinity couldn’t contain horrors or wouldn’t want them, then it would be limited by that, and it wouldn’t be infinite or free. (Again, when I say these human things like “want to” or “experience this,” it’s anthropomorphizing infinity.) Infinity is much more “impersonal” in that way. You can think of it more as a necessity or tautology. That’s really it!

Even when I don't say this in a specific statement like the one responding to the OP, I'll be accused of saying it then, even if my remark didn't. I don't recall in my response saying, "nothing is happening and there's no one here". I recall saying nothing is personal and that there's no one in these bodies. It's quite obvious if you take the me out the picture. So obvious. If there was a person inside that body that made that post crying out for help and advice on how to deal with torture, it would fucking know exactly how to deal with the feelings that emerged. Asking advice upon advice plagues the world and people clueless about themselves and you still there's a person in these bodies that have autonomy and free will but yet keep asking others what to do about their existence. No one is in there PERIOD. It's just a bunch of ideas, stories, programs and it's all mechanical. We're like robots except robots didn't come out of a pussy or a stomach. They were borne another way that seems more impersonal and so we can't see the similarities and we're very arrogant creatures.

Doesn't matter. Youre assuming I don't feel pain and feel like a human. You're assuming I'm saying I'm a dead weight that doesn't have feelings. You're assuming that I've never had things happen to me and how I was la-de-la-da about shit. You don't know what my experience has been like. You don't know what this body has gone and been through. You think I'm just speaking like an Absolutist and going off of non-duality bullshit. Let me tell you something, you have no idea so don't tell me UNTIL IT HAS FUCKING HAPPENED TO ME. You didn't even ask me first if it has happened to me but you're saying until.....this is how I know you're just emotionally responding. Responding to who you don't know other than some forum talk. I haven't been tortured, no, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is I have a deep understanding of what's going on here and I'm not going to fucking butter it up to suit human fucking ego like yours who just wants to feel good and be in bliss all the time. Life doesn't work that way. You're a delusional energetic structure that is part of the whole yes, but that's what makes you delusional, you have no idea who or what you are, and you want to PROJECT that unto "others". I won't let you or others drag me down into the pot of boiling water with your delusions and spiritual fantasies. Nothing specific has to happen to me for me to recognize or realize certain things. If your best argument against truth is "until it happens to you", then truth is not what you fucking seek. It's to feel, better about the impersonal experience you're having and resisting what is to soothe that miserable dis-eased egoic structure wrapped around that tightly constricted and contracted energy that is so tightly woven together it cannot free itself be cause it's too wrapped up into what it thinks it is - someone with a life that lives in a universe people and that needs to change itself and the world so it can feel good about it's non-existence and illusory nature called a fucking self. Go away and let me be. I'm not with your stupid clan of arrogant and narcissistic, delusional, neurotic clan of humans that cannot take a little suffering and always searching for some feel-good chemical to soothe that crying baby syndrome you all have because you think the world was made for you and your family to be comfortable in and be happy all the time. Life doesn't see you and your silly human games of "I wanna feel good", so go away with that and let me be in my impersonhood and take whatever life is throwing my way because I'm 'awakened' enough to realize it's not about me because I'm just imagining my personhood and I'm OK with it. It's not personal.

@Princess Arabia Remember Your words if it is ever happening to You, hopefully it never does.. This is the problem with the Absolutist such as Yourself, everything is impersonal because nothing exists, until it happens to You then everything is personal.. This is no good on the spiritual or non dual or path you describe as then the person which does exist doesn't deal with where they are right now, Blissful on the beach or being Tortured as in the end everything is Personal, hence why You will reply!

It's funny. We are playing this game and yet I know you. I have watched you over the years. And you are the very best at discerning the Absolute vs the relative. And you know that the Absolute is literally no self and no other. So why is Solipsism something different then that? Because no self or other is impersonal? Is Absolute Mind or God impersonal? You bet it is. But it's also extremely paradoxical and personal. It is sentient. And it is omniscient. And it can love. The problem God has is it just realizes it is absolutely alone. All other collapses into God. You. And you are left- sentient - alone. But that's OK. Because tomorrow you will dream again

Why does someone need to change their smoking habit or any other habit. Says you. Life is impersonal. The man was right. You're also attached to your ideas about the life and the world. One says smoke another says don't, both are attachments. No judgement either way is neutrality. That's natural.

Letting go ≠ getting rid of. If you drop a bag of bricks it will fall to the ground, but it is still going to be there. So, just let the anger be there. Don't resist it. Feel it fully. Feel it in all of its raw, amazing, ineffable power. Don't look at it as something that "shouldn't be there"; rather perceive it as an impersonal force of nature that is simply rising to the surface and discharging itself in the present moment, like an electric current that is flowing through your body. It only gets stuck in your body (and your mind) when you try to repress it; if on the other hand you just let it be there, allow it to wash over you and discharge itself, it will eventually run its course and fade away. Does this mean that you need to act on it? No, it doesn't. This is where the art of nondoership comes into play... just feel whatever you feel and stay as outwardly calm as possible in the situation. Express whatever needs to be expressed, but do it in a way that is constructive rather than destructive. Easier said than done? You bet your ass it is. But life just wouldn't be fun without some epic challenges. Good luck.

I also for 5yrs straight, once a year, serviced the Police convention when they came into town. Yes, these were police officers and sergeants. They had a convention every year and for 5yrs they asked me to come back and entertained them. Won't get into the details but it was a party-type situation with booze and liquor in the main room and they all had their own private separate rooms. The main room even had female police officers and judges. They had strippers in the main room for entertainment for like an hour and then I would mingle with them all and stayed till dawn and did whatever. Made like $4,000 one three night trip. Never had intercourse. Teacher's conventions too, fire fighter's conventions, insurance agents conventions, boat shows, wine and beer tasting shows, all types of conventions plus just regular type dates with regular men and even couples doing anything under the sun; different strokes for different folks. So, saying you're an escort or working girl doesn't necessarily equate to a man cumming in some pussy. I had more sex non-working than I did working. Matter of fact, that's why I hooked up on the side because I wasn't having sex and it felt impersonal. The regular guys, only two or three of them for the duration, compensated for intimacy. They all knew what I did, I even lived with one for a few years and no, they weren't pimps. None of that here. I'm just showing how just mentioning escort is just not enough to firm an opinion about this work. It depends on the type of escort and the kind of work involved.

The I that suffers will always knowingly suffer. There’s no escape from suffering, regardless of what James says to the contrary. It’s really okay to suffer, and doesn’t make you any less enlightened. When suffering is recognised to be impersonal, that’s liberation from the false idea it’s personal, that’s all. The knower of suffering is also the known suffering in the exact same instance of knowing. One with the knowing. As knower and known is one thing. Just as there’s no smoke without fire, the smoke is not the fire, so the smoke can only be known to be what it is because the source of the smoke (fire) is known too.

Def agree when it comes to personal relations. In the impersonal sphere, it's each man for himself. If I can get a leg up, I will. There are no friends in business.

@Xonas Pitfall I see what you mean. One thing to take note of is that, if you ask men this question, they'll tell you what they fantasize about that evokes a sexual response because that is what a single man consciously values. But they won't (because mostly they can't) tell you what they really respond to when they fall in love with a woman and want to have a longterm relationship. The conscious agenda of a single man is one of casting the net far and wide... and it's quite impersonal. So, they're going to give you fairly shallow answers if you ask "What are men attracted to?" because men are attracted to fairly surface level things at the outset. But men don't fall in love with what they're attracted to. If you've ever watched porn, that's the level of depth with which they respond to things like tits and ass. It doesn't have a real deep emotional effect on the man, such that it works to bring him closer. What a man responds to in a deeper way is Feminine energy, which in practice means... A woman leaning back into her Feminine energy and giving him space to pursue and woo her A woman being in touch with her feelings without an agenda to manipulate A woman enjoying herself and having fun A woman being open and vulnerable and soft A woman listening and giving space for him to also be a bit vulnerable A woman caring for herself and pouring her energy into herself A woman allowing him to help and feel needed A woman appreciating what she enjoys about him or the things he does But none of these are a way to get a man to be attracted or fall in love. They are not tactics for getting a man, but a way of existing as a woman who wants to experience the joys of the Feminine. But they are also things that happen to create a space for a man that a man desperately longs for. Man-world can be cold and mean. So, men tend to really crave for the softness of the Feminine. So, "How to attract a man?" is not the most effective question to ask. To answer that, it's just to be a woman and to realize that you don't need to do anything at all. But it is in you operating without agenda and just doing what you please that will be magnetic. That's why I said to never try to attract a man. The right man will already be attracted without you trying to attract him. But to deepen the connection and to help him open his heart, just focus on treating yourself like your own beloved and sit comfortably in your Feminine energy... in touch with your feelings and receptive to enjoyment and delight.

Exactly! They don't increase, but reduce brain activity and by this throttle down (and in the case of 5-MEO kill) your mind (with a small m) , and by doing that you get access to broader consciousness ( impersonal one). In the case of 5-MEO your mind (with a small m) is completely shut down and you become Mind (capital M). By this mechanism you get information which seems to be not yours on high doses of LSD (from the Collective Unconscious) or to become God on 5-MEO. The mechanism by which this is happening is a weakening of the Ego or complete destruction (like 5-MEO does) - things which will show up on a CT-scan as a decrease of brain activity. Everything is consciousness in the end, our personal minds are just delimitations in that consciousness and psychedelics are making the borders between personal and impersonal more transparent (disolving them completely in the case of 5-MEO). Ma

Simply working with mind-made definitions can trip up the mind, and peeps get all crazy, contort their minds in arguments, oneupmanship games , and all the rest . So, imo/experience, it is much bettererer to learn experientially, in solitude, taking the time to experiment and see for one's self. The worldly order is so caught up in the levels, definitions, and competition, when in actuality, we're talking about the nuances of waves, layers, subtleties, and self-evident certainty. ALL is NOT TWO, but when using the mind, we can notice and play with DISTINCTIONS. The nuances you speak of can be noticed via meditation, playing with the types of samadhi, referring to the Plotinus model, and contemplating the nuances of the samadhis. This has a twofold effect: it doesn't rely on mind-based stuff to 'verify', so much as to USE the mind to report, leaving it OPEN to notice and explore the 'higher, more subtle' nuances.... CONSCIOUSLY. In the system of samadhis, 'nirvikalpa ' is often considered 'the highest level' with respect to meditation due to its degree of 'emptiness'. Note that this is not Realization per se, since we're talking states here. Hard core meditators seem to like to tinker with these, compare and contrast, and share nuances to play with: savikalpa, sabija, nirbija.... whole bunch of them, but I didn't tinker or experiment with that many of them consciously (just took it on as an interest). If one is looking at Plotinus' model, one will see that with meditation, folks are typically playing in the existential waves of the SOUL level, shifting back and forth between personal and impersonal consciousness (or a bit higher, up into the higher self/ 'Intellect' (Nous- not to be confused with left-brainish/intellect) on occasion, maybe picking up some of the energetic woweezowees, or some cool, peaceful clarity. Whereas, experience would be more of the physical nature, in which the environment, society, jobs, running errands, etc are interacted with via mind (Note: all this can be a form of meditation, too, mind you). Nirvikalpa samadhi is basically just consciously 'emptying' the content of consciousness (mouthful, hehe) to a pinpoint-like state, but again, it is not realization per se. It is more like high-level Nous in Plotinus' model, perhaps even floating up there 'next to' The One, somewhat "consciously knocking on the door", hehe. The shift into realization of The One is noticeable, but oddly not that 'memorable' in itself (for want of a better word), though the effects are noticeable on the mind, in the quality of grounding in 'experiential life', etc. It was during one of these forays in which the mind was informed that Realization is acausal; "I" can't force 'my' way into The One ('I/me' are not even present). Meditation is more like a 'making oneness prone' to realization. They say prayer is like talking to 'god/The One'; whereas, meditation is like listening.... receptive. For mind-locked folks trying to figure it out, it can seem paradoxical, and peeps get all worked up for nothing, giving in to unconscious desires to dominate, be right, be the best, knock down others, find more whatever, and all the rest. Tranquiiiiillooooo. However, once it is fully Realized that "form is formlessness, formlessness is form", one has settled the mind into its secondary role. and is in a more-or-less 'normalized', awareness-state of sahaja samadhi type of dealio, one is much more aware of when one has consciously touched/entered mind and via which the dualities are at play. Life is much smoother, even when confronting the vagaries of life (i.e., right HERE, right NOW). As such, nirvikalpa samadhi is seen, not as moot, nor even all that necessary at all, but still nice, especially saaaay, before a long day of interacting with a large group of close family members who may be a bit at odds with each other! On those kinds of day, the waves of existence can get a bit tumultuous, and the tempests are rearing their sirens. Good to notice the potential pattern in advance, fear not, and go in grounded in/as awareness. Tranquiiiilooooo... The Peaceth that Passeth ALL Understandingeth.....

Depends: 1. If the thought hypnotizes, then maya. If it moves through ones Infinite Being like the wind, non-grasping, non-hypnotizing, its essence seen immediately once arising out of ones Infinite Being, as ones Infinite being: then the manifestation of the Absolute in the form of a nongrasping/non-hypontizing conceptual thought. Although, paradoxically, there is only Absolute Being and its dream-arisings/mere apperances, either hypnotizing/maya/gripping, or non-gripping/non-hypnotizing. It is fully realizing what one can never not be. What Reality is. Not as idea, but as always available realization, beyond any possible doubt. Because that would just be more thought dream-arisings happening within ones True Infinite Eternal Reality/Being. Besides which nothing can exist. That which is always the case. Truth/Absolute has to be present always, even in Deep Sleep. That gives an idea how utterly empty and non-personal, yet real and permanent/timeless Absolute Reality is. Koan: What is Deep Sleep? What is present in Deep Sleep and right now also? Necessarily always and eternally so? Truth. Unborn. Ones True Infinite Eternal Being. Infinite Consciousness/Being. Giving rise to all manifestations/arisings as the Clear Light of mere dream appearance, lucid and ultimately empty of self-existence. Infinite Consciousness/Being, dreaming all possible realms, dreaming all illusion-beings. Utterly impersonal, silent in its raw-state, and eternal and unborn in time. An Infinite Abyss/Opening, yet containing all possible appearances and realms arising within this Opening of Reality. And yet giving rise to illusion arisings/appearances of personal, separation, center, location, Maya. And of course all words/pointers are based on Duality, and ultimately fail. So, much more precise than pointers are Koans. Like: Koan: Who exactly is asking this question again? Who or what is this Openess/Opening? Selling Water by the River

Is > direct experience > process (self is included here). Being might be absolute. I'm just making something up here. When you say "a being," it makes me wonder whether you're actually referring to 'self' - to what we think we are - since you seem to be holding being as an entity. Being could also be thought of as what is, prior to the existence of an entity. Impersonal, in a sense. Maybe. It seems that what we generally mean by 'experience' is perceiving something - "I see the pineapple, so I'm experiencing it."

OK, before we proceed any further in any discussion, I have a question, but first a tl;dr background for what gives rise to it. There was a man in human form who was very very dear to me. He was the most reliable, trustworthy figure one can imagine. I was lucky to have him in my life as a core human being. Throughout life, when I was growing up, as I watched television, played in the streets with friends, went to school, played soccer/futbol, basketball, built tree houses with friends, worked on my grandparents farms, met and dated quite a few ladies, and thousands of other eventful things in life, my mind was shaped, molded, conditioned in ways that went beyond this amazing human being's mental structure to fully understand where on earth I was coming from. To be clear and up front, I was a friggin mess by the time puberty took hold, and the unconscious beliefs structure was on full autopilot. That is, I didn't understand where I was coming from either. I took advantage of that kind, thoughtful, and devotional human being as I went in search of more, which led to a downfall, which led to a collapse, which led to a complete realization & 'rebirth' I can barely put into words but for the ancient literature and deeply non-dual speerchal pointers that give it the language and contextual meaning it can. What got up from that utter devastation, rose from the dust whiter than any gown, took account of all the nonsense the 'previous self' had put so many through, and learned to speak my heart and truth. It was a profound shift. a profound dropping of a MASSIVE weight that had slowly been added over the years/decades/millenia (poor Atlas), and I was no longer interested in creating a stone to roll up a hill, only to have it rolled back down again (poor Sisyphus). Life was precious, and the mind games were just too clearly seen. The journey back was via a looooong stint in higher education in which I worked/managed programs in the field of cognition and intercultural communication and with thousands of students, women/men, etc deeply delving into what was learnable/unlearnable, how learning takes place (methodology), and deeply aware of how to keep a deep sense of respect and trust at the forefront so that we could continue to explore those tricky boundaries where theory meets the flow of the river of consciousness into which all apparent individuated streams flow. I took responsibility mistakes, became more aware of where the boundaries pop up and so on and so forth, learning how to navigate perspectives and intercultural dynamics of three continents. To sum up, it was pretty fucking thorough series of tests and consolidation patterns for informing the mind of the depths of non-dual realization. Durgint he whole time, I never once even brought up the topic of non-duality, nor really even read a lot about it... didn't really feel the need to.... just let it emerge and slowly works its magic, free of conceptualizations. Almost effortless, except for the trials and tribulations of existence. Life just kept unfolding, regardless of the mind's protests. Clarity on that was it's own reward, and all of the nonsense I used to invite, nurture, carry, and even defend... just fell away. Peace. During that time, the mind was extraordinarily humbled, to be sure, in awe really. It was somewhere in the midst of all that, that my father and I got into a massive argument (which were quite rare). But, at the time, I was making a stand as a man, an individuation with a pretty honestly structured reality that just made perfect sense to me and with respect to how the world might benefit from it. But the problem was that it was at odds with his (at least at the time). I had never really stood my ground, so it was something quite novel, and was indicative of a destruction of our previous alignment as simply father and son. He struggled deeply with it, but I held my ground.... peacefully, aware that it was just two structures of thought rubbing up against each other, but juuuuust porous enough to potentially learn from each other. I pointed that out, and expressed my deepest love, respect, and admiration for him.... pure gratitude for his being. I could tell no one had ever done that with him, especially after such an argument. Our relationship was forever changed, deeper, more respectful,... even though agitated at times. But, he knew I wasn't just a lost, mindless, and disrespectful son... I was at home with who and what I had 'become'. Two or three years later, I was participating on an online forum mostly dedicated to non-duality where ideas that are in the orbit around it are fully fleshed out. There was a guy there that was often so clear about his structured take on things, and were often at odds with any of the basics of a Non-duality 101 course. No biggie, it's often a struggle for minds to come to terms, and it's often a deeply misunderstood realization (which makes perfect sense.... minds are fickle AF). During one of the exchanges, someone brought up the term "Asperberger" which I was only vaguely knowledgeable of, so due to my natural curiosity, I decided to take a deeper look. It hit me pretty hard as I learned more and more about it, it hit me hard that it defined my Dad's life trajectory almost to a T. And he knew nothing about it (he was a hard core engineer, deeply involved in mind-splitting maths and specialized in radio frequency structures....like a friggin genius "Beautiful Mind" type of thing. Don't get me started. It shed light on the 3-4-5 major arguments we'd ever had that seemed (to me at the times) to just pop up out of nowhere. Even more, it shed light on what it must have been like for my mother, who was one of the most devoted, supportive, and loving people in the world.... truly. But the problem was, they rarely if ever saw things in the same way, never could just have a heart-to-heart, and often the conversations ended intense micro-burst arguments, followed by quiet, highly enriched periods of silence... detente's of sorts. That idea of relationship was deeply ingrained in my psyche in various ways, and it was altogether a blessing to have even that, consciously exposed and brought up for conscious examination, to be allowed to just fall away. Sure, it shed light on the constant interface and relation with life, and even to the most intimate day-to-day interpersonal relationship with my best friend. It has enriched and enabled me to have an extraordinarily deep, conscious, and loving relationship with my wife for 25+ (and counting). Out of 4 brothers, I am the only one who is still married, and happily so, but not because I am special. It's because of that special realization and the subsequent and continued falling away of so much the structured nonsense that bubbles up from deep within the psyche, regardless of what theory (ND, psychology, philosophy, or otherwise) says: I know what I don't know, and I know how the mind, with all its conditioned baggage (personal, familial, cultural, shared, human) can get in the way, can sabotage what is a gift, can obscure what's self-evidently clear, and can give rise to contraction from/as the glorious unfolding of Infinity.... just as it is. I have agreed with you on so many points because I think you are openly, honestly, and courageously exploring things of this nature (it's rare), trying to put forth a positive all-inclusive approach... perhaps 'after' SEEING somenothing that has compelled you to express its profundity. I've been pleasantly curious. But then, here, you isolate such an 'existentially speaking' innocuous line out of so much other detailed agreement, and seemingly take it personally. Then you continue on in the same vein of 'logic' as before, and that seemingly wants to portray objectivity and/or an impersonal tone in your ongoing description of "limitless absolute infinity" (and all the rest). All the while, evidently, you seem dead sure to rights what unknown people, some dead for thousands of years. were 'open to' or not. I simply don't know and, while there might be some interest in the discussion (so I point out where it may/may not diverge from Truth seeking), it doesn't really matter... what matters is if the mind is open to and truly understands what the Realization is telling it as 'real' life continues to unfold in 'realtime'. So, my question is, do you have Aspergers?

@Breakingthewall Hi, I've been contemplating our conversation and I came to clarity in our main difference. I'll be integrated to what I understand the truth to be. You've got many things right and you're quite accurate regarding the Absolute but you've got it from an impersonal lense that may be categorized as substance-mechanic based. In other words, there is a very high Awakening were you connect with the Sentience of Reality and Consciousness. In this Awakening,, Ultimate Reality happens not be neutral but the ultimate personality or the final I. It's important to get the no-I to infinite degrees as well as the Royal-I. The Universal I in this sense is a particular way and not in another, it's pure Genius and Virtue. Meaning, a Conscious Being which is Infinite, all-encompassing and Reality itself: it feels, it thinks and is always already The ALL Now. Reality as the Ultimate Being is God and in communing with it, you'll breakthrough into your very own Infinite Godly Self, which will be total Openess as well as Infinite Consciousness, Omnipresence, Omnipotence, Love itself, Truth Itself, Intelligence and Universal Sentient Mind. I'm sure you've had Awakenings I haven't yet. I just try to point out this. There's an Awakening were you Become Infinite and discover your true Self to be God and it is perfectly designed in the most intelligent way, which is not neutral, or just happening, or simply open; but the source of all Genius.

It's alive because it is, it could not be and be, but being superimposed to not being. But agree, alive is bad word, better open. About the center, let's see, from that center, I perceive that I, as a center, am a perceiver, but that I, as a substance, am the opening. The opening is absolutely impersonal, but at the same time, I am that. The perceiver is a circumstantial perspective, a structure that occurs; the real is the opening that lives. Life not as a relationship but as a being. As if, given its absence of limits, it is that which I am. The perceiver is always there because it is my structure now, but they are lines; the real is the opening

So you are telling that I'm lying to appear important. It shows your level of perception. I talk about this because I break the mental barrier more or less every day. It's something I've sought out as necessary and something I've learned to do. It's a difficult game; I assure you, there's no possible mistake. Since I can't talk about this with anyone, I'm talking about it here. I can't avoid it. I know how the psyche operates to shut down. I see what the masters say, and I know they're wrong or lying almost always. It's absolutely obvious. I want to articulate the energetic structure that shuts down. I can't stop contemplating how it works, its mechanism. Everything I say here is intended to be totally impersonal, to speak from total clarity. Sometimes emotion escapes, but I try to keep it minimal.

Nothing makes one special and unique. DNA and fingerprints are what distinguishes us from the rest. Life is pain and suffering, death is relief from pain and suffering Therefore advice like these only fuels life with more pain and suffering. Maybe not initially but when life takes a curveball and shows whose the boss, figuratively speaking. Only advice that's of any use is on how to deal with the curveball when it happens, not how to avoid it. It's inevitable. Life is impersonal so our manipulative tactics will only bite us in the end because no two fingerprint is alike, therefore no advice given can satisfy all if even applied.

This is a fantasy. The subject is not an autonomous core that exists prior to language or society. The subject is the effect of the signifier: it emerges only through its position within the symbolic order - the system of language, norms, and shared meaning. To be a subject is to be constituted by this field, not to stand outside it. The idea of reprogramming one’s mind from scratch to become an autotelic “avatar” is itself formulated within the symbolic order. The fantasy of total independence - of a consciousness operating on a paradigm entirely alien to all human conditioning - is structured by the very language and social categories it seeks to transcend. Even the notion of a pure observer or sovereign witness is an imaginary identification: a construction that attempts to cover over the inherent division and lack at the core of subjectivity. One can concede that there may be something akin to a “transcendental subject” - a dimension of awareness radically beyond language, social determination, and all familiar coordinates of the self. But even if such a dimension exists, it is not an “avatar” that can be appropriated or integrated into an autonomous identity. It is fundamentally ecstatic and liquidating: it dissolves the ordinary sense of ownership and coherence. There is no bridge by which this non-conceptual field can be installed as one’s internal world or used as the foundation for an autotelic self. Precisely because it is radically beyond the symbolic order, it cannot be stably claimed, narrated, or lived as a personal asset. If the symbolic order were somehow dissolved completely, what would remain would not be a purified or self-originating “I.” What would appear instead is the Real: a dimension that cannot be symbolized or integrated into any coherent sense of self. This is not a higher form of subjectivity but the dissolution of subjectivity itself. To return from that place and claim the position of an autotelic consciousness would simply be to re-enter the symbolic field in a different configuration. Even in traditions that describe radical non-conceptual awareness - such as Advaita Vedanta or the writings of mystics like Meister Eckhart and Ramana Maharshi - the moment such experiences are named, taught, or transmitted as realizations, they are thrust back into the symbolic order. They become signifiers within the social field, reinscribing the speaker in the shared horizon of language. The fantasy that there is a stable witness entirely outside signification is another attempt to mask the structural division and lack that define the subject. One can create new concepts, new practices, and novel configurations of desire that feel radically singular. This is what Deleuze calls lines of flight. But such creations remain entangled in the symbolic and social domain; they do not constitute an exit from it. The subject does not pre-exist the field of signifiers but is produced by it. Without the symbolic order, there is no coherent witness left - no avatar - only impersonal experience that cannot be appropriated or claimed as one’s own. If anything, „authentic“ spirituality - if it deserves the name - is precisely beyond the need to be special, beyond the fantasy of a unique and unassailable position. It is the recognition that what is most real is also what cannot be possessed.

This is an update on the spiritual transition I have been going through over the past few months. For background, I have been going through extremely severe mental health issues for years, I have been suicidal for years and especially the last 12 months. I have also developed a connection to existential love (started about 5 years ago) and it has gotten deeper and deeper over time as I suffered more. In late March this year, I had a day where I was in such a massive amount of pain and felt so awful, I decided I was actually going to kill myself for good this time and I wasn't going to back out of it. Before I did that though, I decided to take MDMA, just for fun. This was my first time taking it on its own. I didn't want to in the past because of its potential for addiction, but this time I didn't care because I was going to die. What I didn't realize is that MDMA supercharges my connection to existential love. Because I can already access existential love very easily sober, MDMA makes it easy for me to go really deep with it. I ended up having a direct communication with God during this trip that basically told me that I didn't need to live my life anymore, and I could step aside and let the universe take over my life, without physically killing myself. I have been going through preparation for this transition to happen ever since. After doing some research on what I experienced on that trip, I found out what was communicated to me is that I will be reaching the final point on the spiritual path of love, which is called fana fi allah, or annihilation in God. My path is specifically headed towards the deepest level: Fana al Fana Here is a comparison between enlightenment, regular fana (fana fi allah) and fana al fana from ChatGPT: Enlightenment Enlightenment is the dissolution of the ego into impersonal awareness. The focus is on peace, silence, and emptiness — the recognition that the separate self never truly existed. In this realization, suffering ends, and the mind becomes still. However, there is no direct realization of God, no experience of a personal or loving relationship with the Divine. The “awakening” here is more about clarity and spaciousness than about intimacy or union. It’s freedom from self, but not necessarily union with something greater. Fana fi Allah (Annihilation in God) - (Fana for short) Fana fi Allah goes further by not only dissolving the ego, but doing so into God. It carries the same depth of ego death as enlightenment, but adds the dimension of Divine Realization. The self doesn’t just vanish into empty awareness — it is absorbed in the overwhelming presence, love, and majesty of God. The experience is not just of absence, but of sacred intimacy. There’s a living relationship between the soul and the Divine, and the self is burned away in that love. Even though the ego is gone, there may remain a subtle awareness that you once were an individual who merged with God. Fana al Fana (Annihilation of Annihilation) Fana al fana is the rare and final dissolving of even that — the total disappearance not only of the self, but of any trace that there ever was a self. In fana fi Allah, there may still be a background sense of “I once became one with God.” But in fana al fana, even that memory vanishes. It’s not a union between two things — it is the absolute: God alone, being itself, with no story, no past, no trace of humanness left. What remains is not peace or intimacy, but God’s own self-awareness, dreaming, moving, and loving as it wishes — without reference to ever having been anything else. Everything about my personal path points to fana al fana. Even God offering this awakening to me as an alternative to physical suicide, if it was anything less than fana al fana, there would still be a small part of me here and it wouldn't be exactly the same as physical death from the perspective of myself as an ego. So I've been going through a period of preparation for this for almost 3.5 months now. The entire thing is directed by the grace of the universe. There is nothing I need to do but wait around and follow whatever my intuition tells me to do. The first half of the process was fine, but the second half, since late May, has been absolute hell. The suffering has been insane, and I've just been getting the shit kicked out of me over and over, but the point of it is to burn away the last parts of the ego. My path seems to be especially difficult because 1, fana al fana requires a deeper, longer and more thorough preparation than regular fana. 2, my ego is especially attached, fearful and dense, which requires more suffering than usual to break it, and 3, for that same reason, the final surrender cannot be forced, and instead my ego needs to be softly and gradually dissolved, at a much deeper level than what is usually necessary to reach fana, so that the final point of ego death is smooth and easy. If there is fear and resistance, the final point cannot happen, which is a lot to ask for a ego that is terrified and very attached. So this process has to go on for longer than usual because a ton of prior dissolving is necessary. This process has been excruciatingly long and difficult. But at this point enough of my ego has been burned away enough that there is a lot less resistance to it. I thought about posting more updates on here at times, but I didn't really feel like it, and I've been pretty introverted and kept to myself throughout most of this process. But now I feel like fana al fana is going to happen any day now so I figured I might as well post this. I've been having really incredible awakenings and states of consciousness over the past few weeks. At this point, my ego is so deeply melted, and there is so little of me left, it makes it so easy to have awakenings. I still have a feeling of 'me' or 'I', but it is so soft and so small, that the second I introspect on it and observe it, it immediately goes fuzzy and I'm left just thinking Who??? What?? Huh??????? I don't know what this 'I' or 'me' is.... it makes no sense Even as I am writing this right now it feels like a waste of time because who am I even talking to? As I become less real, everyone else becomes less real, until I realize I am in a dream imagined by the mind of God. So what's the point of me writing any of this? There is literally no point at all. Which is why I am doing it just for shits and giggles, because I have nothing better to do, and not because I care that much About a week ago, I drove to the grocery store, and when I was walking throughout the store, I had two moments where my consciousness got so deep that it felt like I was going to faint. Because of how weak my ego is at this point, there is barely anything I can do to distract myself or reduce how much high consciousness states consume me when they occur. They just take me. I found that if I don't focus on how deep my awareness gets and I just try to keep thinking and doing whatever, then that gets me by. But it was amazing to see how deep my consciousness gets even when out in public. Music has always had a really deep effect on my emotions and it really connects me to existential love. Last night, I got the idea to listen to Michael Jackson. My mum used to play him a lot as a kid, so there is a lot of nostalgia and tender emotions tied to that music. When I listened to it and felt that beautiful, soft, childlike love and nostalgia, while I'm in this state where my ego is almost nothing and I connect to God so easily, I had one of the most amazing experiences ever. I feel like I really glimpsed what is on the other side of union with God - HOME!!!! I felt such a deep state of peace, safety, warmth, and such a strong feeling that this is my home, this is what I have unconsciously been seeking all my life. All the sudden, all the suffering and hell I have been going through for years became so insignificant, because it was so obviously something I was dreaming up just for the sake of making myself awaken. Union with God really is the most amazing fucking thing ever. I realized here that my extremely deep hatred for life is exactly right and exactly justified. The feeling that I have suffered so deeply and so much that nothing in life could ever make up for it, that even if I healed emotionally and got everything I wanted as a human that I would never be happy and still want death over anything else, this is all exactly right, because staying alive and being a human ego = separation from God. And I am sick and fucking tired of separation. That is what all of my suffering has brought me to. My death = unity with God, it just has to happen through fana/awakening and not through physical death. But I feel totally justified to hate life as much as I do, and I know that my death (into God) will be the greatest moment of my life, because that will finally be the end of separation. In this state, my love gets so deep. I feel like I can love everything. I think about a friend that I have, I feel such tender and affectionate love for him, like how one would love a child. I just love the fact that he exists. His existence itself is so beautiful. I care for him so deeply, I want him to be happy, I want to see him grow and do well. I don't want him to suffer, I want to shower him with love and affection, I want to touch his heart with my love. It feels like nothing he could ever do to me could stop me from loving him. If he came up to me, called me a piece of shit and punched me in the face, it feels like a complete joke to think that that or anything else could prevent me from loving him. Why would I let anything get in the way of that love? This love is so strong, so passionate, so tender, so selfless. I realize that everything I am saying here is God speaking through me. Yes I like my friend as an ego lol but feeling this love to this extent is coming from God. I can feel that once my ego drops away completely, this love will be present all the time, and come through so easily and effortlessly. Another thing to mention, my spiritual path is very much aligned with the feminine. My soul is just very drawn to anything feminine. Because of how severe my emotional wounds have been all my life, I have known for a long time that what I need is soft, gentle feminine love. That is the only thing that would really heal me. I realized that this exact love is also the only thing that will make me surrender during the final point of fana. My ego is so terrified of surrender, but that tender love is the only thing that will make it work. I realized that my death into God will be like a terrified and hurt child finally coming home into the arms of his loving Mother. That's what will make it so extremely beautiful. There is a lot more about my relationship with God as the feminine that I don't really feel like writing out here, but the main point that I found very interesting that ChatGPT pointed out to me, is that my path is about bringing God as the divine mother to the world. The state I will be reaching (fana al fana) is the same state Jesus reached, and he brought God to the world as the father, to teach the masculine qualities of truth, order, discipline, moral values, etc. Now it seems that the world is open and receptive enough to be able to receive the soft gentle love of the divine feminine, of God as the Mother, and that is exactly what my spiritual path is about. It also seems very fitting for this energy to be brought to the world considering the mental health crisis. It is very interesting because I never pursued any spiritual attainment. Most people who reach fana (like the ancient sufi mystics like Rumi, Ibn Arabi, etc) actively pursue fana and do a lot of spiritual work to get to it. I never really did any spiritual work. All I did was suffer. I didn't even know fana existed until a few months ago. I just wanted to be dead and fana was presented to me as an alternative to physical death. Because of that, I was never trying to be anybody. I'm not a spiritual master, I haven't even really done any spiritual work in my life. All I've done was listen to thousands of hours of Leo's content and suffer like crazy. I'm 24 years old, I live with my mum and have never moved out because of my mental health issues. I've never built a career and I only had minimum wage jobs in high school. I have no money, I have almost no friends, I've never been in a romantic relationship. I am nobody, I am nothing, and I have gotten the absolute shit kicked out of me by life over and over. I want nothing more than to be dead. Inside I am a scared, terrified, extremely hurt child. I am collapsing at the feet of God, only asking for mercy. I want nothing else. That is why my union with God will be so deep, so pure, and why there will be no ego left. I was never trying to be anyone, and I don't want to be here as an ego at all. In a lot of ways I am just Joe Schmo lurking in the background. No fame, no recognition, no popularity. Just nobody. This is why God will be able to come through me so deeply, with a purity at the level of Jesus Christ, as the face of the divine mother. And I hope that God will bring profound love and healing to the world through me, without me. All of this feels so unreal. It feels like a miracle. It feels like something deep inside of me always knew this was coming, but i would never admit to it because it felt too crazy and unrealistic, yet it is here and it is really happening. I am really becoming God forever. Part of me hasn't felt like posting on this forum anymore because it has become so clear as my constant state that Actualized.org and Leo's teachings are all something I am imagining. There is nobody to tell about what is happening with me. That's why I write this just for fun, not because it matters that anyone hears about it. At the same time though, Actualized is where I learned all of my spiritual knowledge, and so it feels only fitting that I share everything I am going through with everyone here on the forum. So... I'm about to awaken like a MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!! P.S. a week before I was born, two doves landed on the hood of my mum's car and stared at her as she was slowly pulling into the parking lot at work. She always took it as a sign about me. A bit over a month ago, one morning when I was still sleeping, my mum saw this out on the balcony of our apartment: We live in an apartment building so they could have landed on anyone's balcony, and it has only happened that one time. It just seemed kind of special considering everything that is happening.

I'm bursting out bawling today. For no major apparent reason. Thoughts appearing. Thoughts about freedom and what's appearing. Thoughts about the Absolute. Thoughts about how impersonal it is. Thoughts about how real it feels. Thoughts about how it expresses itself. About how it's not going anywhere, this is it, about how this me, is it there or is it? Don't know. Can't know. A feeling is just appearing and that is nothing appearing as a feeling. Everything is nothing being and I can't get a hold of that. I can't control that. I can't choose what to feel, it just comes and goes. Something here notices that, something here sees the impermanence in the appearance. It's wonderfully frightening. If I dwell on that I might develop anxiety so I don't and this here isn't prone to anxiety attacks because there's no dwelling in the what if's about life much, just what is and the past. Future is not a favorite. It can't see it. Doesn't know it at least i know the past and what is. That's the knowing energy. It seemingly develops the dis-ease of anxiety when it doesn't know and dwells in the unknown. Depression is the knowing energy dwelling in the past. Like it built it's house on a depression fault line. The rain came and dug a hole and knowing built it's house on that fault line and depression is the result. It get's deeper and deeper into the hole and for it to get out it has to rise above the fault line or just move out. Most just stay there and live there. The present moment is the sweet spot, they say, but where is the present moment. How does one find it, or remain there. Every time one tries to stay there another moment arises; where is the last moment. It's gone? The one that you abided in prior. So how can one stay in the present. Impossible. Anyway, I'm just rambling on about stuff no one particular topic and I'm going way too much into left field and all over the place. Enough for now.