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Wow! This feels like a stage Orange version of enlightenment to me. "It's all a dream, so just achieve things for the hell of it!". I very much like your description philosophy. Depending on what spiral dynamics stage you are at, you will form different conclusions from the perspective of an awakened state. The stage Green person might reason "Life is just a dream, so let's just love one another and hold nothing back". The stage yellow person might say "Life is just a dream, so free your mind and behold the beauty of creation through the pursuit of understanding ". Of course, every conclusion is the correct one, so just keep going for that dream Life of yours... Until you don't want to anymore.

Let’s come to a conclusion with all of this because I want peace of mind and tired of driving myself insane. We’re all a part of this forum for the sake of personal development and enlightenment right? Does horoscopes, astrology and tarot fit into what our end goal is? In the last 6 months I got into a cycle of watching astrology readings on my “ star sign “ the only reason I entertained the possibility of horoscope, tarot and astrology is because I’m an enormous action taker in all facets of my life. I don’t sit around praying for a solution, I get out there and find solutions. The last 6 months were difficult for me because I’ve been putting so much into awakening, my life purpose, personal development and spiritual practice for the last 7-8 years then I’m still not living what I feel like is proportional to my effort. The last 6 months were so tough that I was honestly losing faith in this stuff, astrology gave me a bit of delusion to believe better things are coming and there’s change on the way. It all comes down to having faith and trusting in the unknown. It’s not adding up I see people out there living their dreams in the span of 2-4 years while I’m out here taking advice from awakened masters and doing what they say then I’m still not where I want to be.... it’s not making sense

Know thine enemy Rather than taking face value unbeknowth if the masters of the puppet In reality there is no perfect choice US is walking a very similar path to that which Sweden has walked and only recently the left has awakened to its own firm of toxicity, or rather one facet of it, while it ideologically drives on hard where it yet has to have its realizations Thus is the nature of the progressive, to push into the new, untrodden and unknown, and clumsily fuck up, only to reassess, try again, win some ground and then fuck up again. Many things get broken in that process, some thing likely irreversible other than in fantasy and regrets. Meanwhile the whole spectrum evolves while doing this live stress test of the system, and healthy likely being the middle path, in between the extremes. It's a great social experiment - damnest thing. Grab the popcorn, enjoy the ride for what it is.

@Sugarcoat yes enlightenment IS possible. I've had several awakenings, but I've also been contemplating reality since I was a young child. However, despite being Awakened I don't do yoga or meditation or listen to yogis or go to spiritual groups or chant or go to the Buddhist meditation center or do Kriya yoga. A lot of "spiritual people" do that stuff, but I don't. It's unnecessary for me because I reject the student/master horsecrap, and other techniques that newbies find necessary. Those techniques actually are helpful to people new to this, but I'm light-years ahead of that because I've been doing this for over 50 years.

Are you enlightened is that how you know this? That’s why your name is noselfself right. I’m ready to sacrifice my human experience I just feel my “self” structure is maintaining itself and hard to break through. I did though over a year ago have this one massive permanent shift I don’t even know what to call it so I’m a bit confused sometimes like, am I awakened already or not. You always give interesting answers. Could you describe more this shift between source and ego if you want

What you are saying here is equivalent to saying the baby doesn't yet realize itself as a person until the shift (getting older) occurs for the self-recognition. Still a person, right. Well, still awakened. The shift did not awaken you. Or you could say, the shift awakened you to realize you were already awake. The baby realized what it already was.

Maybe it’s a question of how one defines awakening. During my everyday state i perceive myself as a limited human self. That I call the non awakened state. During 5 Meo that perception was partially/completely temporarily broken down, so it was almost like I didn’t exist. That’s not something I’ve “experienced” before so that’s why I said it’s not known. That I’m guessing is the awakened state. Im not fully sure though I’m open to changing my views but so far this makes sense to me.

Yes, the seed is only a seed BUT ONLY IN APPEARANCE. You are not awakened but only in appearance. The point of my post is to say you are already that rose ready to be bloomed. Watered and cared for. You cannot turn a rose seed into an orange seed. The only reason you have the capacity to awaken is if you were already that. Nothing said about actualizing that awareness. This world is an after thought. It is already done. You are already awake you're just catching up to it. That's the point. Nothing you do will awaken you only actualize it and give you the recognition. How is somebody going to know or not know they're awaken if they don't already know what that is. In order to know what that is you have to be it and you cannot become something you're not already.

One reason not to repeat myself that I can tell I’m not awakened is because there’s a significant difference between my everyday state and the “state” on 5 Meo dmt

True. But it's possible to be completely unaware of our infinite nature and instead be identified with a limited body-mind identity. The shift of perception from a limited identity towards unlimited identity is what is referred as Awakening. We are not already awakened until this shift of perception happens and it happens only by increase of awareness. I know I'm repeating myself here but it feels appropriate to say it one more time.

I thought non duality was related with awakening. And limited related to the non awakened state. But okay I see

Ofc what you actually are is what you actually are. So in actuality this reality might be non dual. But still there’s a difference between perceiving yourself as limited vs when that limited perception is not there. Aka awakened

The seed is still only the seed, not the tree yet. You have the capacity to jump inside you, but you haven’t jumped yet. You have the capacity to awaken but you haven’t awakened yet, I would say.

We might inherently be non dual in the absolute sense but we perceive ourselves as limited humans so in that sense we aren’t awakened inherently . As we grow up our self concept forms and is the veil

You learn because you have the innate capabilities to learn. You did not invent the processes that goes on in the learning process which involves the brain and motion receptors - however you put it, but you get the drift. All you know is that you can learn. Dance is just one thing to learn, so is math. The learning capabilities were already programmed within you to be able to learn the same way the awakened capabilities are already within you to awaken. TO LEARN/TO AWAKEN. Same thing, different activity.

We cannot give a tree a car and tell it to drive it. It is not equipped to do so and is not meant to drive a car for obvious reasons. We cannot teach people anything and have them learn anything if that learning capability wasn't already inherent. It's because it's already pre-programmed within you from the intelligent source to be able to learn. We cannot drink gasoline to nourish ourselves because it wasn't meant to go in the body and we cannot fly because we aren't equipped with wings to do so, that's why we invented airplanes. Do you get the drift. As far as enlightenment and awakening goes, you cannot enlighten or awaken if it was not already an inherent thing within you to be able to do so. You cannot awaken a tree or a bird or an apple, can you. They are living things even an apple is a living food, but they are not equipped to be able to awaken. You are pursuing something that you are capable of doing because it's already within you. You cannot awaken if you are not already awake. It's impossible. All the dead sources you are using to awaken yourselves has no power. All the inanimate and non-sentient things you are programming yourselves with to awaken has no power in of themselves to awaken you. The awakened being that you are is what gives them the power; is what's charging them with the electric current of energy that you are. You cannot awaken yourselves if that capacity isn't already inherent. You cannot throw awakening down your throat and eat it to become awakened. We water a rose bush and give it the right conditions to grow and mature into full blown roses, not apples. It is impossible to turn a rose bush into an apple tree the same way it's impossible to awaken into a conscious more enlightened being if you are an elephant. Whether or not I believe in enlightenment and awakening is not the issue here. Understand than. I'm not arguing for their validities. I'm simply saying it's impossible to awaken or become enlightened if you are not already that inherently. Acting that way or feeling that way is besides the point of my post. Those are outer manifestations of the cause. What you are really pursuing is to be able to embody, feel and express your already enlightened and awakened self, to charge it, to shock the psyche into being that, If there's already such a thing; and like I said, my post is not about whether there's such a thing or not but to show you how it's not possible if you were not already that. So, when I say, you are already awakened or enlightened that's what I'm pointing to. I'm not saying one is acting or being awakened. That's on the individual to recognize it within themselves to notice the difference. We cannot do that for them. We can activate our already awakened selves into being not become enlightened out of thin air. That's all.

You are assuming that i'm here to work. You are assuming that I think i'm enlightened. I don't even think there's any such thing. Only to recognize what and who you are. Done? What's there to do but live life. I never started the seeking to become enlightened or awakened. Don't project your beliefs unto me. I'm truly in love with existence and I don't need anything from it. Only to manage staying alive and to feed and clothe myself until I die. I wanted to understand what this is all about and to get to know what Reality is and consciousness and awareness. Not to become enlightened. Not to do something to change myself other than normal self-improvement. Now, from what I've learnt and the information I've gathered I've fell in love with this stuff because of understanding and curiosity. It's marvelous and intriguing, That's all I'm doing here. Investigating and wondering and in awe of the beauty of it all. The mystery. I didn't tell my mom and dad to bring me here and i had no say in it. Why the hell should i worry about getting enlightened. Then what. Huh? Then what. Please tell me. Just to say I'm enlightened. I'm already learning how to not let the mind control me and learning how to love myself and others and to give back to the world the best I can and to be compassionate and kind to others and to give and receive love and to try to guide others in ways that they ask to be guided and for advice. What else do i need to do other than that but to keep living and trying to enjoy the beauty of nature. Go ahead and do all your work related themes to get enlightened. I'm over here basking in the beauty of existence through all the pain and suffering of mankind and i don't need to change myself in that respect because I didn't make myself and I'm not in charge of anything Universal. It knows what it's doing and I'm at peace with all that. Anything I do is for the love of it, in this field and not because I'm trying to get somewhere. There's no time and no space so where am I going in the illusory relative world? Take your wisdom elsewhere and to someone else who needs it, I've got the Universe on my side and i don't worship false Gods. I don't need anything other than the light of Awareness that I AM and to go within. It's everywhere I go and I can access it at anytime. I have not forsaken it like you have by trying to look elsewhere for love. I know who I am and you don't that's why you're running around looking for yourself. Good luck with that. I don't care about non-duality and all that. I enjoy watching the videos and I think they are hilarious. I find existence hilarious and fun and exciting. Much more than humans and their bullshit. Including mine. This is not work for me, it's my fucking life. It's what I fucking live for. It's me. What else do i need to do. I'm not lost. I'm right here.

In the absolute sense sure, but for the time being your part of this experience of being human. Even if you are awakened, there is right and wrong action in the relative sense. Those two are not mutually exclusive. I understood that it was driving some people crazy and he stressed that if solipsism is appropriate for you than you are capable of deriving the answers you need yourself without Leo spoon feeding you.

Well maybe if you awakened to how you were creating your disease you'd have an easier time not creating it? Just saying

Good morning… alright things seem to be lining up and it’s getting me excited… which seems to be a regular thing for me… but I need to get some thoughts out and see if I can clarify my thoughts a bit more…so I thought it’s time to Journal again. But where to begin? Hmmm…. Well I’ve been having some amazing experiences since I’ve returned back to my home state of Indiana. Last time I wrote was after my cousin’s wedding and the following weekend I went to my buddy’s hostel for the inaugural caving invent. I had such a fun time. So I knew I was going to enjoy myself… I wanted to talk to the founder, my buddy whom I’ve been watching for the past six years. He’s been very impressive when seeing what he’s building in his community and his creativity… so he’s been standing out and his two events on caving and intentional communities were on my radar before arriving to Indiana. The last time I was there was six years ago but it was impressionable on my subconscious… I’m not sure if I said how I met him but to my memory we met through a mutual friend who is a shaman from Mexico who specializes in sound healing with his sound bowls. I feel like we were talking as we were there and as he was talking about his hostel we left our friend’s place to go visit his community that next day. Not only did I enjoy his property, but the community he was attracting was very impressive. So I knew I was excited to see whom I would meet at this event. Again another Mecca of amazing and creative minds draw here… and needless to say my expectations for conversations were far more than I could’ve imagined. But the caving experience itself was also far more than I could’ve imagined. Caving has been something I’ve been wanting to explore. I feel like this setting would be amazing for meditation and hopefully ceremony in the future. But I wanted to see how it went. I was oddly extremely comfortable in this space. I felt like a child playing in the subterranean world of the unknown… and I felt like I could do much much more of this. So the setup was to choose from beginner, intermediate, advanced, or meditative. Originally I thought my friend was leading the meditative trip so I signed up for this…. But also I thought I wanted to be more intentional on the first adventure before I would be more explorative on the second day. Of course it’s hard to not have a little expectation on what a meditative trip in the caving world would be… but I tried my best to just keep it open since meditation is subjective. There were only four guests that had chosen this style and I think it was assumed that the ones who chose this were beginners who were a bit hesitant or even scared to be inside caves. I guess in a way that makes sense, but of course that wasn’t the case for myself. I guess it’s easier to explain that when I go hiking… I don’t normally enjoy going with people whom just want to get to a destination and back. I’m much more wanting to enjoy and immerse myself into the environment and take my time to allow the environment to speak to me and feel my way through. So that’s how I wanted to approach the caving situation as well. I also brought my flute and drum with me… so I thought it would be nice to bring with me for the meditation. I had mentioned this to the group leader and it was interesting to see how seemingly uncomfortable she was to have me to my belongings with me. I could see it in her face but she didn’t address it right away. It wasn’t until we were at the location in the parking lot that she said she was thinking and asked her management about it… and it’s recommended to not bring it. They also recommended to not bring any phones or things to record because of safety and obviously they didn’t want anything to happen to our property. But the thing is… it is our property and I’d definitely take responsibility if any damages came to them without blaming them for my choices. I briefly asked her of what I had heard about the trips. I had heard our trip was going to be shorter than any other trip. And everyone car pooled so we were going to have to wait for the other groups to return before we would be able to leave. So I asked if I took full responsibility for my belongings… I wanted to have the opportunity to play my instruments in a meditative way once our trip was done and we have to wait for others to return. I told her that I don’t ’want to disturb anyone with my music, but there should be a way I can do this alone for myself. And she said that was up to me, but she doesn’t recommend it. It didn’t take much thought for me… I was taking it… I knew it was going to be extremely easy trek for the meditative trip and I was confident I wouldn’t have any issues with my iPad or my instruments…. So they came with me. To begin our trip we sat in a circle outside of the entry to the cave to relax and regain focus and connection. We were asked to explain why we had chosen the meditative trip instead of another. I was explaining a little bit of my background as an Enlightenment shaman, intentional spaces of exploration before trying to get to a destination, but also this was a weekend of caving so why not start with a meditative trip and then step it up a notch for the following day. I listened to the other three guests and one had stood out to me was a guy who was with his friend who emphasized that spirituality comes first in his life and that triggered me to want to find a chance to see what he means by this…. And it was easy to discuss because they were curious about my background… so we all had great conversations throughout our time inside and out of the cave, especially when we were waiting for the other groups for an hour. So we were walking to the entrance using the restroom before we entered… I heard a few times from different staff that some basic rules of caving is to not go number two inside and also try your best not to touch anything as much as possible so our oils don’t deconstruct that natural formations that’s been creating themselves for centuries. That all made complete sense… this was the first time I had a helmet and light to go exploring inside a cave. And I knew how important a helmet would be for me because I know I’d get pretty excited in there so bumping my head would definitely be expected… hehe Ok… a little unexpected interruption to the train of thought… I am trying to arrange this weekend with my friend and he and I had a great conversation that I’d like to write about real quick. But… I actually have to call my girl friend to discuss… so I’ll be right back. alright… I’m back… so where to go… so I saw a post from my friend who founded the hostel who is hosting his first intentional community event at his property. He mentioned that if anyone is interested in joining to contact him. It was late… so I waited til this morning to remind him that I’m very interested in attending, but I also was wanting to take a friend with me and also hoping to arrange a time for us to talk one on one for a possibility to partner up for his next season. So originally he was open for us to join and said that he would like to send some information for my friend to get more details of what a work trade program would be like for his community and asked for her email. So I got her email and sent it over to him. After awhile he ended up sending me another message to the roundabouts of he’s not sure how I’ll respond to his inquiry but how well do I know this friend of mine? Is it an enthusiastic yes I know them and would be able to be confident in their participation or am I kind of a crossing my fingers that it goes well. I was chuckling at this message… because it was very intentional and insightful… and pretty much something I’ve been working through as well. So I responded to him by saying that both applies… hehe… Yes I enthusiastically know and adore my friend I’ve known since sixth grade… she’s super sweet and inquisitive and would add value IF she’s comfortable… so I do have my fingers crossed as well because I wasn’t sure if this was the event to take her to meet my friend and visit the community. In fact I had given her an assignment to see if she was really ready to go to this event or not. I asked her if she could think about what intentional community means to her, and if she was wanting to be a part of one… what would her expectations be to be or how would she think it would be like. I didn’t really give her much more information than this to see how she interpreted the questions… in fact the first thing she said is she’s like to talk to me about it first… and I said I’d like for her to see where her thoughts go before we discuss. We plan on making cream puffs together this week and we’ll discuss it then… giving her a few days to think about it. And I told him about it… I too was uncertain that this event was going to be the correct time to bring her and since I’m so close to her and want to introduce her to experience the hostel and my friend its hard not to want to invite her to everything. I would have loved to have her go with me to the caving event there but she’s currently struggling with an ailment with her leg and has to where a brace when she walks long distance and recently got a cane which seems to be embarrassing for her. We’re trying to convince her mind that this doesn’t have to stop her from having a fulfilling life. She’s strong and she’s been able to overcome obstacles specifically her addiction to drugs that is very impressive. But since she has come to the other side… she hasn’t found how to be the new person she’s become. She’s trying to figure that out but doesn’t have much direction to find that out. So socially she’s getting challenged for years now. She continues to live in our small town from childhood and so there are the same people that have helped in her addiction and she’s removed most out of her life. But a few still linger around whom respect her changes… but also doesn’t want her to change to an extent that makes them comfortable. Needless to say… I’m trying to motivate her to meet new people. With her circumstances with her drug addiction it has put some challenges in her path that is now what she’s trying to overcome. At the time she was engaging in drugs this led her to having seizures. I was there when she had her first seizure and I remember how everyone reacted when it went down. We were at her current boyfriend’s house and he had roommates… and we were there having a good time partying… and we flipped on the lights to a room we were entering and all of a sudden she went collapsing down and shaking. I have a cousin who has seizures and the first thought was to call the hospital and make sure she’s not biting or trying to swallow her tongue. So yes I was asking everyone there to call 911 and get the ambulance there while I was trying to get a spoon to place into her mouth. And the response from the people there was they were too afraid of getting into any trouble because they’re partying with underage people and if the police comes they thought they would go to jail or get into trouble. I remember being so upset that no one was willing to call 911… I mean that was the time that we used home phones… I didn’t have a cell phone and all I know is that I need to get her help and I need to get it as soon as possible. It’s not my house and they don’t want the ambulance at their house. I said well I’m going to take her to the emergency room then. And there was only one other person who was there that was willing to help… and no it wasn’t her boyfriend. It was our classmate friend and he helped me pick her up, put her into the car, and got her into the emergency room to help. Fast forward… because her drug use continued and amplified I had to make a decision to not have as much contact in fact we went several years not talking. I believe I might’ve discussed this last year when I was starting this Journal… but I reached out a few years back and saw a difference. I told her that she’s not stoned or wasted right now.. and that’s when she told me she’s been sober from drugs for about two years now. And that’s when our relationship continued. To bring it back to the thoughts I was talking about… .because of her seizures they continued and got worse. When we were not in communication she was working somewhere where her seizures were often enough that the company she was working for recommended she goes onto disability. And without knowing the consequences or options… she went through with it. And I admit at this time… I would say she was definitely at a state that would be considered fully disabled to function a normal life at that time. But now that she’s off of her abdications…. Being on the fully disabled list doesn’t apply. With this on her record… she’s unable to work unless it’s getting paid under the table, she’s unable to drive, she’s unable to even have her own bank account… so even though she wants to move forward with her life…she doesn’t even know where to begin to get out of this hole. I continue to encourage her that there are options to find out there… and steps to take… but I’m not the one to take these steps… she’s going to want to do it for herself… and she’s at the point of wanting to but again the actions steps aren’t known and so it’s prolonging the progression… but of course this is the period of time that is getting her to be ready… there’s progression but it’s not obvious because it’s not manifesting physically but mentally it’s progressing forward… and again when I’m around I’m looking for opportunities to help her… in some way I can give her a bit more confidence and I’m not afraid of making steps or mistakes.. so I suggest things that might help her out in many avenues in her life. But we will focus on is this specific event. So I was telling my friend that she has situational confidence and this will be perceived as something that is going to be out of her comfort zone by going to a new place… meeting new people… nervous about being socially awkward…. Nervous she’s going to be a burden because she’s having issues with her leg… and the fact she’s not even aware of intentional communities… that I’m not sure that this would be the right time… but I told him that in the next few days I’ll get a better idea if she would be an asset or not. I also had to admit to him that I’m not sure of what her degree of neediness would be while we’re there. When we’re out of our comfort zone, we tend to be a bit more needy to the ones you know and trust… so I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be as fully engaged in conversation because I’ll be concerned of her comfort ability. If she gets there and relaxes and enjoys herself… she won’t be needy, but if that’s not the case… then neediness will be there and since I adore her… and introducing her to this new situation I’d feel responsible to help her through that. Just to mention… I did not say all of this to my friend… but in a shorter version… but definitely not as concise as one would normally… that’s not my communication at this time. But his response was a relief… in fact this entire conversation was very intuitive and I love that! he said that if it’s not an absolute yes at this time… why don’t we arrange a different time for us to visit together… is that good for me? And admittedly… it was a relief and thankful for his communication and curiosity to our situation… he said that this is a different event… most of what he hosts are fun and social but this Intention Convention is another animal… it’s more intense and professional and serious.. the group that’s going to be there are fun and social people… but when we find people who shares in the same passions… we can geek out on it… and we want participants to all want to geek out on it… he assumes it’s going to be a bit chaotic and if he removes any wildcard variables it would make much more sense… and honestly I’m grateful that my friend is letting me join too because I don’t own or manage an intentional community but I’m looking to connect a network of intentional communities globally. I’ve been able to gather information from my observations from the communities I’ve been involved with and I feel like I’d have insights to contribute to the conversation. Most recently at the ashram temple in Utah… they wanted me to manage their community but by doing this there were implications that I’d have to be something I am not and have a thumb on top of me not allowing the freedom and creativity that is the main asset I bring to situations. In fact one of the reasons I’d like to address here during this Journal entry.. but there’s other moving parts I’d like to address as well while I’m here today. I responded simply that we will arrange another time that we can come and visit together… I’ll be there and super excited… and that is quite an understatement… hehe… this is a huge part of my purpose and I’m looking forward to meeting other passionate people in intentional communities… I had confessed to my friend and his staff during a staff discussion where I briefly mentioned that some may see easily that I”m a community minded individual, but what they don’t see easily.. is that I’m a global communities minded… I didn’t get into much detail because of brevity but I hope to discuss with him when we get time to share with one another. Hehe… a little interruption… I was hanging out with another girl friend this weekend and she’s been curious about cyber security specifically with ICAC and I have two contacts that I met with connections to different types of cyber security and I reached out to one and waiting for the next one… but he’s monitoring voter fraud in Colorado elections… so yes he’s swamped… but I’m going to get to this weekend which was very insightful and fully of clarity especially after talking to this friend in particular… hehe… many moving parts in my head right now… and I’m trying to figure out how to write it all out in a not so chaotic manner… but I guess that’s not what’s going to happen right now… but I want to just say… the caving event went extremely well. I know I’m going to dive deeper into meditation and ceremony in caving situations… It was fun to go in a group setting but I also had the desire to find a way to go by myself… the way I approach space and my intention doesn’t have to be compromised when I’m solo. My friend who is the founder actually drew out a cave that he recommends going to if we want to go alone… it’s one of his meditation areas… and after going I can see why. He shared this with a few of us… one girl went the day before I did and she ended up in a field and a bit lost… so I was wondering how the directions would be for me too. But honestly she didn’t even take a picture of the map he drew out… she said she would remember it… and we chuckled knowing that wouldn’t help find the cave entrance… but the map worked well… I found myself taking notes and videos as I was following the map becuase I absolutely love map making.. and I can already see a map I can draw to make it easier for people to find. But sometimes that’s part of it… it’s not supposed to be that easy for everyone… it takes courage and effort to get the results.. but I had an amazing time going alone and exploring this area. I didn’t have much time… I spent a few hours but I was heading back home which is three hours away and I needed to stop at my cousin’s house too while I headed back home. She accidentally broke our grandmother’s pearl necklace and I fixed it for her and needed to drop it off. But there was a beautiful green pond that looked inviting but I didn’t take a dip at this time… but as i like orienteering it was fun to not know what I’m looking for and just follow the map. I thought it was fairly easy to follow… except there was something that I questioned… there were marking to cave entrances and I know he probably said things specifically to the one we enter but I couldn’t recall and when I looked at the map I was questioning whether the third entrance was it? Or did I have to go around and find another entrance on the other side? So the third entrance looked like what he described by going down at a 45 degree angle to enter and leads to the underground river…. Which is what it was… but again if I just looked at the map I questioned and so I took a look around to make sure I’m not missing another entry point… after looking for awhile I decided that the third entrance has to be it… and it was! I didn’t have a helmet with me this time… just a head lamp. I had to climb down rocks before I found the cavern dome where the beginning of the river was seen. I sat down and I could hear the rushing water in the distant tunnel ahead… it was calling to me… begging me to explore… I didn’t know at this time whether I was going to go or not… in fact I thought I was going to but I sat first… I especially enjoy lights out in a cave and so I wanted to do this here. When I first heard of a friend who enjoyed caving he described moments of sensory deprivation… I feel like I have a memory where he was wedged into a crack and it seemed liked he was suspended in space, but I also feel like if I was submerged into water with lights out could really get the feeling of sensory deprivation. I had mentioned this during our initial meditative introduction of why I chose this… sensory deprivation opportunities to see what can be observed or possibly awakened… excites me! I’ve had messages about ceremonies in caves… so this weekend was my next steps into exploring this. But I chose to lay in silence and pitch blackness on some rocks next to the river… I love it! In the silence except for the music coming from the running water what I could assume is rushing down the rocks dropping in elevation… I found that I decided this would not be the time to explore… I don’t have a helmet and I definitely will need a helmet… hehe… also I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get wet at this time either… this was like my last pair of clean clothes and I need to drive still so I was just going to spend time here in the cave at the entrance of the unknown… ok with it being the unknown until I return. So I was curious to see what I would see in the darkness. At few interesting things happened the days ahead when I was in the caves with the groups… the meditative group trip we went to a place to do our guided meditation… again it’s always interesting to experience everyone’s take on what they think meditation is and how to approach it. So our guide decided she was to guid us in a meditation… which seemed that there was a projection that we might have stresses in our life that we are trying to be ok with and at this time if we notice any troublesome thoughts to notice it but also be open to have it dissolve… which again is all well intentioned and helpful but specifically if we are all in this state… which I was not. I love meditation in silence for me to be able to observe myself internally I usually do not opt for guided meditation… for me that’s more like visualization practices at least the whole thing about a person talking the entire time and asking you questions and just talking…which again isn’t as helpful for me to get into a deep internal state of connection with the All that we find ourselves in…. But I witnessed my response to the talking… I saw that I wasn’t as irritable as I might’ve been in the past being opinionated that meditative practices in my experience is best in silence but this wasn’t my guided tour… this was hers and so I respect that and she did a great job… but I did attempt to mute her out… and connect to the surroundings and see what I could discover for myself. So I took off my helmet and everyone had their lights off and I laid on the dirt with direct contact with the earth. It was cool but I didn’t get cold… I was warned to take extra layers of clothes because once you stop in a cave most people get cold… I’m glad that I didn’t need this at the time… and I just relaxed into the moment and connected… it was funny to me that even though I was in complete darkness I decided to close my eyes still.. maybe it’s just a habit I’ve learned… but this is what I found myself doing and I allowed it and waited and watched… shortly after I started to see a very faint light almost as if it was a flashlight that was running out of batteries… this light seemed to cross the ceiling of the cave very very slowly and it continued to the point I started to think and question… did someone turn their flashlight on? And so I opened up my eyes and saw that no one had.. and so I went to closing my eyes and observing… It continued… this slow roaming dim light as if looking at the details of the rock texture of the ceiling. The details couldn’t be seen but that seemed to be what I was trying to do. I wasn’t able to continue doing this because the guided meditation was over and I think people were getting cold… but I remember the guide saying to take as much time to become aware of the present moment and to move slowly from our positions until we’re ready to turn on the lights and continue the trip. I definitely took my time… hehe… but also aware that I”m not alone and to respect the other parties involved… but again a longing to just be slower in my experience was desired… again hinting at wanting to be there alone without having to go with the crowd. On the second cave adventure which our guide classified as an intermediate to beginner trip there was another opportunity for lights out. I didn’t bring it up but of course I was excited about it. And it was funny this time because I assumed when it’s lights out that also meant to imply no talking… this wasn’t a meditative trip so there wasn’t going to be a guided meditation so I was hoping for silence in the darkness…and for a few brief moments there was no talking… again easy to here any water echoing off the cave walls and as if water is plunging on top of itself falling from rocks that are higher then the stream the water fell onto…and awwww…. It was very pleasant… but again I understand these moments I wait to be in but most will feel impatient or uncomfortable… so two people started talking… they started talking about the tales of cave monsters that people tell… again I observed my response to their conversation not really caring what they were talking about… just the fact theirs conversation going on in a brilliant moment to connect to our surroundings in a different manner… a deeper manner in my opinion… a respectful manner to the environment we find ourselves in. The inhabitants and the earth, rocks, water… whatever is normally in this space does not usually have humans there… and humans seem to appreciate their environments but to what degrees? It would’ve been nice to experience how this space is in it’s normal circumstances… because they were talking more people started talking after they told their monster story… and someone mentioned they could hear the bats… we found a single bat over the area we were in which was cool… but I was thinking to myself… darn it… I didn’t hear the bat with those few moments of silence before the talking came into play… I was thinking so much about how I wished they’d stop talking that I didn’t hear the bats… so at this moment I didn’t want to not say something… I apologized but I asked if there was anyway that we could stop talking and sit in silence with the lights out for at least a minute… I just want to be able to see what I can observe at this time and be with the environment. I didn’t want to be rude or bossy but it did feel that way just to ask if there could be a minute of silence with lights out…and I felt like some were like why do we have to sit in silence… but others thanked me for voicing my requests because they wanted to ask the same thing… these others were a newly wed couple who joined us who were not directly involved with the caving event from the hostel.. they were naturalists and I was absolutely thrilled to have them join our adventure and found myself relating more to them then the few individuals I came with from the hostel. I observed that they were wanting to explore the cave as I’d like to… take their time… looking at all the details… it was fascinating hearing them talk about all the rock and animal life we ran into. And as I am recording… because they took their time… I got the best footage recording them… and I was grateful to capture their footage. And I was able to thank them as well after the wife found me on facebook… they just got married the night before and this caving adventure was part of their honeymoon… which I was so delighted to here and again after experiencing this with them… so thankful to have met…and who knows if our paths will meet again in the future… I hope so. But in those maybe 90 seconds of silence in the darkness… I did focus enough to hear a little chitter that could be a bat… I heard the water again… and it allowed for a brief light show similar to the one I saw the first day in the meditative trip. I was enjoying myself and it seemed like everyone was waiting for me to be ready to say that it’s ok to talk again… hehe… as much as I could’ve sat there longer I said that I was thankful they allowed that time because I enjoyed there cooperation and appreciate it. We continued as we did afterwards… but so that night when I went to bed and as I watched the darkness behind my closed eye lids I found those lights returning to my vision. Instead of it being a small circle of lights that were dim slowly moving across the ceiling… it was a little different… it seemed like the light was far larger… I’m think eight times larger than in the caves… it still moved very slowly as if looking at all the details that were hard to see but it also seemed like it wasn’t scanning over the ceiling anymore… it was as if I was walking or most likely crawling it seemed to go over a hump of clay into a hole of darkness and the light got swallowed up in the darkness and the dim light disappeared. All of this is interesting to me and I look forward to see what happens when I’m alone and have the freedom to literally sit in the darkness and semi-silence for as long as I want. So I was sitting at the entrance of the river in the darkness wondering if I was going to see any lights this time… At this time… there was nothing… and I just continued to lie in peace for awhile. Eventually the thought of playing my instruments in this space came to me…and so I turned on my head lamp to get my flute and drum out to play. I grabbed my flute first… I played the sequence that I seem to be finding myself playing when I grab the flute… it varies each time but it’s very similar to what I play… this instrument is still new to me but I loved it bellowing into the dome… there are times where it gets hard to play the flute because of moisture… mostly from what I assume is my spit… but I also think in this case because of the dampness of the cave as well which wasn’t as helpful for flute play. But I played it until it didn’t want to play anymore… and so I moved to my drum. I remember a few rhythms from last summer being a part of the drum troupe… and so I find myself practicing and tying to remember these patterns and so I usually start off slow and then pick up the pace as I relax into the rhythm… I decided that I’ll go ahead and record some of the music I’m playing and placed the light and camera onto the ceiling and continued playing. Drumming is so satisfying… again taking steps to be more confident in my play… After time passed I placed the drum and flute back into my bag and pulled out my pipe… ground my experience with tobacco and how much pleasure I get when I’m conscious with my smoking… I decided to go into pitch blackness again for awhile… this time I didn’t close my eyes… I kept them open and watched and waited to see if I could see anything… this time I did.. but it wasn’t like my times before… there was very subtle moments that I started to see… let’s say everything was black well the color was a dark grayish i guess… it didn’t stand out… but there seemed to be movement similar to what I would see actually if I have my eyes closed. I guess I could try to describe seeing the reflection off the water onto plants and rocks that capture the lights reflection? I understand but not certain the words to describe it now, but again… i was enjoying this movement aware that this wasn’t behind my eye lids but with my eyes open observing the space. All of a sudden in the corner of my eye there was a glow that started to become in my awareness… I looked at it and it looked as if there was something glowing underneath something… so it wasn’t all over and super bright.. but definitely stood out… I looked away to see if I would still see it when I looked back and it was still glowing and this time there was no movement… it was one specific spot that was glowing… after a few moments I noticed another area where I saw glowing but it was a bit different and after observing and thinking about the layout of the room… these were lights of daylight reflecting off the rocks near the entrance. I wasn’t far from the entrance but there’s a descension and a turn to the left so at first I didn’t notice that there was any daylight anywhere… at first it was black… the glowing I was first describing wasn’t anywhere near the other lights… the glow wasn’t far from me which couldn’t have been daylight… I didn’t know what it meant but I thought… I’m going to see where this spot is… and so I looked at the glow and turned on my head lamp to see where it was… it seemed to be a single rock in the water… I located it and I made my way there and placed my left hand on it… I turned the lights off again and observed the environment to see what would happen… and after a few minutes of acclamation the space was no longer black… it was light gray and similar movements that I saw as if reflections off the water but the brightness was increasing in size and took over my entire vision… it was a bit overwhelming and unusual that I didn’t see any blackness right now… but it also didn’t look like a cave anymore… I closed my eyes to breathe in slowly and opened them again… and it seemed like it was the same thing going on… and so I decided to turn on my lights. It was crazy to think that being in this space for this amount of time that I didn’t even see the darkness anymore, but I also didn’t see any details of the space either… so I didn’t know where the water or rocks were. But my vision is different even when I’m in Aya ceremonies.. and so I was curious to see what my vision would be like in a cave… again all of this helps excite me for integration steps to help assist my performance with Ayahuasca. I felt amazing when I climbed out of the cave back into the light of the sun and surrounded by the woods… almost a bit dizzy once I started to retrace my steps back to the pond. I looked at the time knowing that I probably didn’t have time to go to the second cave he put on the map… but I thought I’d walk around the area to see if I could spot the area he had mapped out… but I think there might be a little flaw in the hand drawn map… but I enjoyed taking my time leaving the space… I saw about three blue jays flying around from one tree to the other going back and forth… and once I got back to the van to head out… I knew caving is something I’d like to attract more of in my future… but specifically intentional caving Ok.. I think that might be where I’ll switch away from the caving and head into the next focal I wanted to share today… the unexpected chicken game at the hostel… hehe… so I’ve already been talking about preparing myself to having more possible romantic or sexual encounters for the past six months… it’s been apparent that I’m trying to get myself ready for opportunities to explore this. This is an area I need to work on and I guess this is a time that I can be more deliberate on my practice to explore my relationship to sexuality. When I was in Colorado and I was trying to create the event with sexual adult play… I found out that the community I was in wasn’t quite ready for this event and also I didn’t have the time either. I realized when it comes to large gatherings of sexuality it doesn’t make me uncomfortable… but thinking about being completely vulnerable and sexually intimate and expressive is the area I am out of my comfort zone… which again is the area I need to work on and so I wait to see how it will introduce itself to me. I’ve been talking to friends and I’ve kind of found a way to explain it a little… I started getting messages that sexuality was going to be addressed in my reality and so I know I’ve kept that door closed for years now, but for six months I’ve cracked the door open… but I was going to kick it wide open when it came to the sexual entertainment party I was going to host… but I wasn’t able to kick the door open… and so it was still cracked waiting to see how things play out… when I finally spoke and verified with the Australian that we are not mutually wanting the same things that door I had closed wasn’t going to be closed any longer… I know I’m feeling I’m looking for affection and intimacy again… but how was reality going to introduce this back into my Reality and how was going to handle it? lol… well I guess it introduced it back with a little game of Chicken. So… the founder is absolutely brilliant man who is very creative and comfortable in his sexuality. This board game is something he offers to guests that he thinks will be open and curious to play and there were ten of us in this group which were down to see what it was about. Let’s explain the rules which again I think is interpretive depending who is leading the group to how it’s played. So the guy leading explains… there are eight levels with it’s own designation of cards… it starts out at level one which has a single chicken on it and moves up to level eight which is called extreme I believe. And so as we choose the cards, we can choose to stay in the lower range which could just be answering questions as what’s your favorite color or to give a simple kiss a peck on the cheek or the mouth… more of the tame activities while if we continue to go higher the cards start to ask for more daring encounters with the participants involved which I hear can get pretty damn extreme.. hehe. Well…. The group dynamic determines who wild it gets and how quickly the wildness will come… but in reality it can stay pretty tame if the group wants it… and so I found it interesting to be there with this particular group… I had a fun time. But anyway… another part of the rules is that we try to get an equal amount of genders to play… we had six girls and four boys… but one boy and one girl was nonbinary… and what I’m trying to say is that it was pretty even. One of the die had curved corners for the females and the sharp corners for the males. There can be up to twelve players and everyone gets designated a number. I was number two on the curved die. So.. when we play if the person who is choosing the card gets an activity card not a question card then they role the dies to see who the choices are to participants of said activity. So again this group leader said that consent is of utmost importance and so if you who chooses the card doesn’t want to do the activity or answer the question then you can choose to drink alcoholic or not or choose two cards from lower levels. If you are chosen as the participant for activity, you can too decide to say no and use your words to express this in a nonjudgemental manner… everyone should be expressing if it’s a mutual exchange of experience. So… I won’t go into details of what all was being done.. but I want to focus on was my thoughts and observations of myself while I was playing this game… and I might go into some personal ones that the game asked from me. So first of all… most should know by now if following any of my Journal… I’ve been practicing celibacy for seven years now and the last time I kissed someone was about four years ago. At that time there was still a bit of the pandemic I was dealing with and my stepdad had passed and I wanted to get a ticket to Hawaii to attend his funeral. I didn’t have much time or options when it came to work… so I decided to become an exotic dancer for a few months. All my life people have asked if I was an exotic dancer… hehe… and now I can say yes for a few months I was. But I ended up kissing a girl for the first time while I was in the club. I hadn’t had any sexual encounters directly with females before this… the only thing was my girl friend back in middle/ high school days would make out with our partners in the same room together. But I didn’t even notice them since I was in my own world at the time… but once we played with her boyfriend which was just running our hands and fingers along his body… nothing too crazy I’d say… but that’s not what I”m going to go on a tangent about right now… hehe… but I first got to experience a girl in a sexual manner was a man asked me to dance with friend who was a girl. She was attracted to women and she found me attractive and would like a lap dance. I said that would be fun and so i did… while I was dancing he interrupted and said that he’d like to watch me dance with her and his girlfriend at the same time… and so I went with it… and goodness… it was fun! Women are so soft and ooey gooey… hehe I remember thinking I can understand why men enjoy snuggling up on us. Girls also seem to be more expressive of their enjoyment then I found men to be which added to the excitement. And so eventually working here I started to get the opportunities to work with couples… I didn’t know how well I’d enjoy working with couples in fact that was far more fun for me personally then just men I think.. I guess it depends on each situation.. but it was new and I liked it. Well… I’m just as honest as an exotic dancer as I am anywhere so the first couple I danced with in privacy I admitted that I had never kissed a girl before. They were surprised because I seemed quite confident and good at pleasure the girl but the girl asked me if she could be my first… and I was enjoying myself with them and so I did… I ended up kissing one more girl while I was a dancer but yes… that has been four years ago… and I finally got an opportunity to possibly kiss again in this game… hehe… so what did I observe in myself during the game. First of all, I felt very comfortable… when it comes to games and groups… I see it all as entertainment and I’m confident in being a good performer. So I was looking forward to entertain and please. What I also found out is that it took more than half of the game to go by without my number being rolled… hehe… I found that I was kind of a little disappointed that I wasn’t an option for anyone to play with me directly… hehe… people were choosing me to participate with others… but curved number two wasn’t showing itself and I thought that I’m too willing and this game is tame… so just relax and enjoy it… which I was able to…but when someone finally rolled my number I had to let everyone know that I had been waiting there patiently enjoying myself watching but we’re about over and I finally get a chance to be a choice to choose from… lol… so of course the person who rolled said well would you like to participate in the activity, then… and I said of course… and so I got to make out for the first time in a long time and for me it was fun because I felt like this game was more performance than anything else. Another interesting point I’d like to share for myself in this game is that I got the questions… who are you most attractive to who is playing the game with you right now? And I had to laugh because I did have to answer the favorite color card too… and I said remember how I answered that questions… I said probably shades of green… hehe… I should’ve said rainbow… so yeah picking out favorites is not my thing… so everyone agreed that I could pick my top two instead of one. So again I couldn’t just answer because looking around I didn’t know who to choose at first… so I was delaying my decision and was confessing that I find almost everyone attractive… and I know I’ve disclosed this information before… but its true attraction for me isn’t just physical… everyone I meet I seem to find an attractiveness for in one way or more… so I was telling everyone this and I was specifically looking at everyone’s eyes… so I was saying that I find them all attractive and it’s true but to be able to pick the top two of this group I thought… to be honest I have spoken to two of you more then the others in the group and so right now I find you guys more attractive… I said and touched one girl that we have been having great conversation to and from the caves… and then I said and touched the one guy who shared the meditative trip with me and with an hour of waiting on the groups to return we were really able to dive much deeper in our spirituality which is attractive. I believe because of this one card… it led to an engagement this past weekend which I’ll be discussing I guess next… hehe… so after this game I was buzzing a bit… and curious to see how different my life is going to be by having this door cracked open a bit. And I started to definitely see a difference in myself and my thoughts. They’ll come out but I’m going through the steps of how I understood them more than I did just two weeks ago at this event. So how does this unfold? Well… I stayed after a few days from the weekend event to volunteer… I love community and helping out and I have time to see how things run on the daily… I’m curious. I’ve been watching my friend the founder for six years now through social media and he’s been standing out in my attention and I’ve been impressed again already wanting to attend his two events of caving and intentional communities. But I also was offline when I was there. So as I was exchanging my information I’d mention that I wanted to be offline while I was there so I can immerse myself fully and to just get a break from online activity. I believe it was late Monday that I finally got connected and I was getting several messages. When I got back home I felt like I had much more time to give my full attention and that’s when the guy I chose as one of the most attractive during the game asked if we can meet up. We thought the following weekend but I told him that I’d like to stay home for a weekend because I’ve only been back two weeks and I’d just like to adjust a bit more and honestly wanted to spend time with my cat who is freaking out right now because I’ve been gone so many days since we arrived back to Indiana… he’s doing fine, but he’s also not leaving my side when I’m back at my dad’s place where we are staying at the moment. I also told him if I go to Indy area that I’d like to spend a few days there and so I want to make plans with friends… this will give me a week to do this and he was fine with it. So I was able to reach a few friends that I wanted to see first and spend time with… and so we decided that Friday night will be our night to hang… when we were deciding what to do I didn’t originally think of this as a date… but as it continued… I was like is this a date? I guess this could be considered a date… hehe… I just haven’t thought about hanging out with people as an opportunity for something sexual or romantic to be involved in such a long time… when I started to question if this was a date that’s when my mind became weird… hehe… I was like holy shit… I’m awkward as hell when I think of being romantic or sexual with someone… and I’m telling you this is something new to me… before my shamanism journey I felt like I was confident in this area of my life… I’m realizing that all of those memories and moments in the past I was just really good at performing or acting… even so much so that I didn’t even know I was performing for myself. I wasn’t really ever ready to give myself fully to a relationship even though I thought I was… I’m sure more insights will come out.. but anyway how did our conversation go setting up this ”date”. He sent over some ideas to do together and mostly involving haunted houses… and so I told him that it sounded like fun but really I just want to talk to him and get to know him better… in my mind at first I’m still thinking he might be someone I’d like to invite to join in Ayahuasca ceremonies… hehe… I told him let me look around and see if there’s anything that doesn’t involve so much money that we can enjoy together… I haven’t looked for a gig since I’ve been back and so money is tight right now… and as I was looking… which it wasn’t as successful in the option I was seeing since everything I wanted to do also costed money and not much difference than the haunted house… and while I was searching he said it would not be a problem for him to pay for it… in fact to not worry about cost… he just wanted to have time to share and get to know me better as well… and so I said if it’s ok with him then it’ll be ok with me too. He said that with his kids and his parents spending the weekend at his place… we can meet at his place but after the haunted house we could go to one of his friend’s house or go to a hotel or find something to do to talk. I told him I’m open and all of the above would work for me. If nothing else I’ll be taking blankets and pillows with me and I’ll sleep in the van if I have to. He laughed and said there’s no way I’m going to be sleeping in the van, but a girl does what she has to… and it would be great to not sleep in the van, but if I have to I will and it wouldn’t bother me… there’s ton of space in there… hehe. So we said let’s get a hotel… he found a bed and breakfast which looked gorgeous and one of the pictures showed a large jacuzzi tub and of course I had to mention how a bath would be awesome. He called to book it and I guess they had a two night minimum… I told him I could look for spots on Airbnb… maybe there’s options there… which I wasn’t successful at finding but as I was looking he said he found a hotel that had a whirlpool tub in the space… and if he should book it… I told him that we don’t have to have a tub… but I love soaking in them and I figured we could maybe have some fun enjoying it together… there I go this is when I was like is this a date? But he immediately said… yessss booking it now… lol… unfortunately there wasn’t a tub in the room… the people he was talking to wasn’t actually onsite and there was a pool and hot tub but none in a room… so I was hoping to have some fun with him in the tub… I was going to pick up some oils and see if he’d like a nuru massage… oiling each other up and using all of my body to massage his without focusing on using my hands… I love to slip and slide… this would probably be the closest thing to a fetish that I might have even though I haven't actually had many sexually experiences with this involved. But afterwards I was going to get some bath salts and suds with some candles and we could bathe each other while we soaked. I guess bath time and shower time has been the closest things I’ve done a bit to my slippery fantasizes… I’ve done nuru twice but again for professional activities not personal pleasure. I was running late to meet him and so I didn’t stop and get the supplies I went straight to the hotel and only being five minutes late I found him talking to the front desk asking if there’s a room that has a tub in it.. but they didn’t have such things at this location. So I found out I didn’t need to go buy these items anyway… and again it wasn’t necessary to enjoy ourselves. In my mind it was going to be an easier way for me to relax and enjoy myself in sexual play… as if I needed something to help me into this zone. We had fun at the haunted house and we went to visit his friend which I had a good time… I guess I was bringing up conversations that he didn’t know about his buddy… we had top notch conversations about spirituality and he doesn’t find anyone to talk this way with. He’s a philosophical theologian. And throughly enjoyed our talks in fact I told him I’m glad I wasn’t the driver because I would have pulled over to talk than to try to drive… hehe… he missed a few exits too while we were talking because it was noticeable we enjoyed our conversations. Also I noted his friend is pretty cool… he designs apps and is into psychedelics both recreationally and spiritually… these things I noticed because maybe I can see how intentional he’d like psychedelics to be… but no rush… I’ll see if it comes up in the future. But then we returned to the hotel… and it was a lovely room with a king sized bed which also came with a king sized television… lol… he was watching the goonies when I arrived back from the bathroom. I didn’t care what we were watching… I was to much engaged with talking more if he was up to it. I had things I had to talk to him about especially if we were going to go where we anticipated it to be leading to… I told him how seriously I’ve taken my spiritual practice specifically when it came to my sexuality… celibacy has given me so much insight but that game we played might have given him the wrong impression… one on one I feel like I’m going to be more scared and awkward… and that I didn’t know where my boundaries are at this time. Admittedly I didn’t tell him that I figured I wasn’t going to have sexual intercourse with him… I think I was challenging myself and seeing how I was going to respond in this situation… if I was going to cave in or not…but I just wanted to see how it went and again respond in the moment. So I don’t think I’m going to go into all the details of what we did… in fact I haven’t gotten his consent to discuss much details on what we talked about and activities we mutually shared together… so I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible but enough information to get my thoughts out. First of all… I wasn’t as scared or awkward in this position… just like it was a surprise for the guy I made out with during the game that he was the first person I’ve kissed in years… he probably wouldn’t have known I hadn’t been in this situation for closer to six years when I attempted a sexual encounter with a friend I met in the Florida airport and met up with wile traveling in Peru and met up again in Colorado… but I think I went through those details before and not relevant for this conversation… well.. actually it is relevant because I remember how crazy I did feel in those moments… I was so new to practicing celibacy and it was a huge internal battle of wanting to and not wanting to… that battle was intense and I felt a bit crazy while I was in it.. but that wasn’t the case this time… I wasn’t battling much… I did notice how responsive my body was to this encounter… like holy shit girl finally… you know you enjoy this… but I did have thoughts going on asking are you actually wanting to have sex with him? If you’re not going to have sex with him… how are you going to tell him? Are you going to voice your thoughts? And so I found myself telling him that I’m down for pretty much anything but I am not ready to actually have intercourse with penetration by his member into me… lol… I probably chose the wrong time to state my boundaries but I know for next time when I find myself in this situation again. He definitely wanted to penetrate and I was allowing his fingers to and he loved how wet and tight I was… I started chuckling and was like yeah… I’m not lying to you…. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this position. But I wasn’t going to let him go unsatisfied… I do love to please… and so I think I might have introduced to him a new position for going down on him that seemed to give him enjoyment. Again the next morning I was buzzing… my body was tingling and it almost felt like I had sex the night before… I can see how much my body and mind enjoy being in this unknown territory… but once we parted I was better able to contemplate what all went down and what all I observed in myself. I didn’t realize all of this until I was talking to my girl friend I went to visit on Saturday night. But there’s a few encounters before this so I’ll continue and express insights while talking with her. So I was meeting with my friend whom I also visit when I’m back in Indiana… we actually met each other in the salsa dancing scene… and he met me when I was in my polyamorous phase and there was a short stent of sexual encounters we shared… but this has been nine years ago now… very close to it at least… but our relationship has gotten stronger and more depth because of course I’ve become more spiritual and intentional and so this deepens our bonds. But right…. Going to meetup with him… i didn’t see this as a date… this is my friend and I care for him deeply but I haven’t been looking at him in this manner for years now… but of course we are catching up… talking about what’s has happened this past year when I went to Utah and what insights and direction I’ve been able to find there… so I went into that but of course I told the most confusing thing going on in my life is my relationship to sex. So again… I haven’t gotten permission or consent so I’ll try to keep it mostly to my thoughts as much as possible. Let’s just say I’ve been blunt and open to all the things that go on in my thoughts as I was leading up to the date the night before. I got to the point where I thought I was going to be awkward and scared… and how I don’t feel like I’m good at one to one engagements anymore but when it comes to sexual entertainment in groups that I’m fine… we both laughed because we both remember our past sexual encounters and said I know it might sound crazy but that’s how I feel now… he was laughing and said he can’t believe what I’m saying because there’s no way he’d believe I wasn’t confident in this area. He had a blast… I told him about the game I found myself in at the hostel which really got him going. He found a walking trail alongside a community with beautiful neon colored fall trees… loved it! We sat on the bench as we were heading out and he said… tell me more about you kissing girls… lol… I laughed and said well… I haven’t kissed many girls… told him how I started and some details about the game but I told him that kissing a girl does seem to have differences to the men I’ve kissed. I mean there’s nuances but in general there seems to be a difference. And so he wanted to know. I said that when I’m kissing a guy… there seems to be an expectation that this kiss is leading to a destination… and honestly maybe that’s a projection I have on myself but that’s how I explained it… and when I kiss a girl that expectation of a destination isn’t there…. It’s as if we’re ok if the destination is just to being kissing and enjoying the kiss we’re sharing in the moment. This subtlety makes a difference. And honestly I don’t really know if this is a gender thing… I’m sure to guarantee that it’s an individual thing… but I was talking with my buddy and was just having a conversation casually and not thinking about being political correct or something. I just was expressing my opinion at the time. I told him that I’d like to be a master of foreplay… where the destination isn’t the point… almost similar to the idea I get from people who I know who talk about the kink scene… to have mutual pleasure in as many ways other than intercourse… intercourse isn’t there intention going into a sexual sharing. He laughed at me and said that he’s definitely down to be a partner if I’m looking for one. We have a history and he enjoys foreplay as well. I looked at him and asked how his girlfriend would feel about this? Is she open to this? Are these things you’ve talked to her about? And he said that he’s brought things up like this to her before… he implied that she doesn’t seem to be interested in sharing sexual experiences with girls but might consider sexual experiences with other partners… he didn’t go into much detail and I figured we’d be talking more and so maybe I’ll get more out of him the more we talk. And so I said that I don’t want anything I do to be a secret or hidden. I respect you but I also respect your girlfriend… I’m not going to be doing anything behind her back. He said he’d love to watch me and his girl together… he said that he doesn’t know of any guy who doesn’t fantasize about this. I told him that I’m not really sexually attracted to women. I tried to explain that I find women beautiful and attractive yes… but when it comes to sex… kissing on their lips and maybe neck and shoulders… massaging and running my fingers on their skin… this seems fine with me yet not something I’m going to go seek out… but if I find myself in this situation I can engage with it and enjoy myself… but I don’t actually want to get dirty with women… I want to get dirty with guys…hehe… I don’t see myself wanting to go down on a girl or sucking on her nipples… or fingering a girl… I mean things can change but that doesn’t seem to be where I’m at and again I don’t have an interest in going to find that experience. We were able to get away from this topic and go more in depth in spiritual matters which I’m usually pretty at steering towards… but he said that he’d like to see if he can set something up with his girl or someone else when he left… oh my goodness… I’m literally kicking the door open and seeing what the hell I’l respond too… but is that really what I want? Oh…. At the beginning of the weekend I didn’t plan on meeting another gentleman I met at the caving event. He messaged me right before I was leaving on my date Friday. He said that he had work in Ohio and he was driving through Indy to get back home. Would I be available to hangout this weekend. I told him that I was planning on being in Indy this weekend but I have made plans so I’d be available Sunday… we jumped back and forth of possibly doing a group activity on Saturday night but we finalized eating lunch Sunday before he headed out and I needed to be at a drum cicle. So yeah I just wanted to add to the dynamics of holy shit… I met this man at the hostel… and we had some deep conversations as well the first night there… at the end he was asking if I wanted to join him in his rental spot because it was going to be a cold night. I told him that I want to sleep alone tonight… but let’s see how tomorrow night goes… and that’s when we played chicken and he wasn’t a participant and I don’t think we finished until 4am… so it didn’t work out.. but I thought there was a possible attraction there… and I was like wow… when I had this door closed to my sexuality… it seemed like I was so easy to keep my boundaries and state clearly where I’m at. And now that I’ve cracked the door open… I wonder if I”m literally sending out vibes like I’m single and ready to mingle or something… because I feel like I’m not really doing that but something is going on… and since I’m ready to face this challenge in my life I want to observe myself in these situations… but also these are fascinating people and i know I’ll enjoy my time with them. So why wouldn’t I want to meet up with them. But we’ll get to our encounter after I move to my girl friend I went to see after I left my salsa friend. She lives with three dogs… two boxer terriers and a little chihuahua…. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen them and oh how excited we all were to be together… hehe… the big boys don’t know how big they are and want to be lap dogs… hehe… but I love them so much and they’re like the cherry on top when I go to visit my girl friend. Now… once again I haven’t gotten her consent to talk about all the things we were discussing but when we talk to one another… it’s absolutely phenomenal of what we can release and process together. Since we are still in the sexual sides of things I’ll probably continue this string of thought… but we were able to engage in far more and specifically a particular gentleman and intentional communities… but those will be in the next chapter to today’s entry… lol… I knew I needed to express myself in this Journal today…. I just didn’t know how long it was going to take…hehe… it’s good for me though… and honestly most of this had been worked out after speaking with her… but they’re still lingering and so I wanted to purge it out… so what was I able to express to her that I was only thinking about and hadn’t had the contemplation time to digest until I was with her? Back to the date night… so it seemed like I wasn’t as scared or awkward in this encounter… but definitely expressing where my boundaries are at this time before we start is definitely the most appropriate time instead of in the middle of the engagement… but I found out that I was able to do this but to be respectful and intentional with my partner… being able to make informed decisions without unknown expectations would be appreciated for everyone. I’d like to know where the boundaries are for my partner too if any. I also found out that it was a bit too fast and too casual for me. I admitted that I felt like it was still a performance in a way… while I was kissing him I was thinking a lot of what I should do next? Where should I touch him? How far will this go and how far do I want compared to how far he wants? So to please I wanted to do the things that I think are pleasurable for him… how I can describe it is as if I am performing sexually… I really don’t know if I can remember not performing during sexual activities. When I’ve been engaged in meditative intentional sex without expectations and truly engaged in unknown possibilities and with no time restriction or no destination. I know I’ve spoken many times about not having an easy time having orgasms… and I know it was very mental block.. but I placed an expectation and destination on myself and partners too… I expected it was going to be hard for me to orgasm and my destination is to fucking have an orgasm… hehe… and when it came to my expectation and destination for my partner… I expect that I’m going to do my best to please my partner and the destination is for them to have an orgasm. How many destinations have I placed on myself when it comes to having sex? Sexual intercourse, mutual orgasm, intuitive pleaser and expressive communicator. I can see this could be accomplished but if I remove this destination idea maybe some of these things might start to naturally occur? How do I not be a performer? I was talking to my girl friend about this… I think the first thing that I notice to not be a performer that was obvious when I was playing the game or on my date… is the depth of getting to know the people involved. I hadn’t known them long I don’t know much about their history or their purpose or dreams for the future… and it wasn’t like a natural sexual attraction I’d say. I wasn’t really looking at my haunted house buddy as a sexual partner until we started to take things to a sexual play date… and I wasn’t going to engage in sexual play date with any of the participants of the game before they asked if I wanted to join in on the adventure. So I would say that yeah it wasn’t a natural sexual attraction. And specifically even though I find the haunted house buddy to be physically attractive… I found myself not really responding naturally while we were making out because… I don’t know him… i wanted to perform and make sure it was a fun time for him… but honestly it’s not how I want to continue my sexual exploration. I told my salsa buddy the next morning as well that i”m not interested in having a three way engagement with me and another girl… it would be so much pressure and expectation… if the three of us are alone in a space and we are to start something… I feel like what I’d like to do with the girl wouldn’t be all the satisfying for all the parties and I’d feel like I’d have to go to places I didn’t want to go. I also told him that I’m not ready to reignite a sexual relationship with him either. Talking with my girl friend… I did realize and admit to her and specifically to myself that there is a partner that I’m attracted to. I started to express how I self sabotage in the past when I liked someone starting all the way back in high school… I had tendencies to like someone but I’d try to get my girl friend to date them instead… because they’re both amazing and I want them to be happy… I just didn’t think I’d deserve that happiness. Now this varies in degrees and I’ve been happy with partners and was attracted to my partners… but I do remember occasions where I would do this. I remember when I started to want to have sex I was dating a guy whom I really liked who already had sex before and I was a virgin… I broke up with him because I didn’t think it was fair for him to be dating someone who wasn’t experienced… I had a one night stand with a friend for my first time… and I dated someone my senior year where we were rabbits… it wasn’t until my freshman year in college did I reach back out to the guy I broke up with because I felt like I could give him a good time now that I have some sexual experience. I mean we stayed together for 13 years… but even then I didn’t have a clue what I was doing… and in a way I still don’t… it feels like I’m starting over as a virgin… but in a way… my muscle memory in my body is still there… it knows what its doing… but I’ve noticed how I was trying to self sabotage myself in just these past few weeks. I noticed it but I hadn’t really admitted to myself that I wanted to pursue a potential romantic relationship with him though either to myself. I guess it wasn’t really apparent until I saw him and was observing how he was engaging with people and when he expressed himself so openly and clearly. I mean… this is where I saw my conditioning of toxicity from my past become aware to me. So… I’ve been observing him and he’s been attracting my attention… he’s gotten many similar attributes that I share but of course the difference intrigue me. He’s extremely creative… I’ve enjoyed looking at his photography and his paintings and his digital art… he possibly produced, shot, and scored an indie film… I haven’t asked the details but I wouldn’t be surprised. What I’ve seen him be able to build within the last six years has been awesome… what can be obvious on social media is how many structures that have been built but also able to see how the structure of his staff’s interactions and daily implementations shows just how much he cares for his community. And just his commitment to building communities of course rings all the right bells because I find myself loving this passion as well. He’s openly polyamorous which also makes me attracted to him at this time too. I don’t think I’m going to be labeling myself at this time… but having experience in polyamory and monogamy and celibacy… I find them all to be valuable… for me at different times in my life. It looks as if he has had a steady partner that is his foundation. I don’t much about her or their relationship but I don’t know much about him either… just what I can gather and interpret. But I’m definitely interested in getting to know him more. When I originally saw these qualities in him… I was yes… he’s someone I want to get to know more and partner up with… I want to ask him more about his spirituality and how open he is for spiritual practices because I want to invite him to join the team of Aya ceremonies to Enlightenment expeditions, to linking communities, and possibly the nonprofit… I mean absolute checks all the boxes… and so confident I go into his environment and have all the intention to find time to speak with him about these things… lol… but when I get there I see just how much attention he’s trying to share with everyone. Everyone is attracted to him and wants his guidance. He’s good at what he does… I figured I’d get time to spend with him after the event and so I didn’t really engage with him much directly. But again I’m always in observation mode and he’s hard not to notice. I found myself a bit shy I would say… I know no one would think that this would describe me… but for me.. I know when I tend to get shy because it stands out to me as well… I seemed to be shy around him. But before I left I was trying to figure out when to return… I knew I wanted to come back and I thought as soon as possible so his next event was an art event. So I asked more about the art event… I was thinking multiple art mediums… music, dance, painting, sewing, sculpture… to call it an art event… but I found it was a single mural painter who was teaching… for the price she wanted I didn’t think I’d like to participate… but the intentional convention was already in my radar so I can wait a few weeks and go back then. So what has seemed to change from then to now? Well… first of all when I was watching him through social media I was watching him with my door closed phase. I saw him as someone I have to talk with because he’d be perfect for future partnerships… and so I was confident to go and chat… then it moved to holy cow… my door is not closed anymore… it’s been creaked open to get me ready to address changes I”m going to be working on… hehe… it’s already been kicked open to see how I responded… but now I find my door is half way at this moment. I want to not kick the door open but intentionally push the door open slowly most likely but feeling my way on the pace not predicting it. This is what I was able to admit to myself when I speaking with my girl friend. My confidence was strong when I thought of him with my door closed… and now that the door is opening my confidence started to waiver… I mean once I started to actually experience that I am available for romantic/sexual intimacy into my life it’s like i don’t know what to do right now…. lol… I know I’ll figure it out quickly I’ve already done a ton in just one weekend to gain clarity… but I didn’t realize how I was questioning my confidence… I was assuming that I was going to be my past self with my past memories… and since I’ve gone this long shouldn’t I be scared? Shouldn’t I be awkward? But after this weekend… this is not the case… I saw tendencies of thinking of different dear girl friends of mine who would find him amazing and thinking of possibly getting them down there to meet him to see if they could have a spark together… at the time I also wasn’t sure how long I was going to be staying in Indiana too… I spoke with my girl friend earlier before I arrived to Indiana about how I want to have a romantic relationship…and she was asking if I’m ready to change my traveling decisions? I told her at the time that I’d need to attract someone who understands passion and purpose. I’m not just traveling to be traveling… there’s strategy even though it’s not a specific planned out strategy… but there’s a bigger purpose to my travels. And I’ll find someone who would understand this and would not want to keep me put for selfish reasons… I don’t see how I could attract anyone who would want that for me… I love myself too much to want to settle for less than I deserve… and I deserve to follow my spiritual path… but as I was talking to her I did start clicking into place that… well.. I have a ticket in to Indiana but I don’t have a ticket out… everyone wants and expects me to tell them my exact plan how long I’m staying where I’m going… details and details… I try to explain this is not the way I’ve been taught through my spiritual understanding. I listen for intuitive conversations and nudges to direct my choices. I do have a vision but the details aren’t given and I love spontaneity so I honestly don’t want all of that information most of the time. We discussed how my brother in Hawaii wants to buy my ticket back to help him build willpower for his obesity but it’s something I don’t want to do at this time because he’s not ready to make the changes and steps yet… in a physical manner… I can see the steps playing out in his mental body… but his physical body is not ready and he thinks I can go there and be a militant guru for him but that doesn’t sound like anything I’d like to do really. And he still lives with my mom and there’s not an ounce of me that wants to live with her again. I’ll go and visit and enjoy myself but I don’t want to obligated to live with her because I’m short on financial resources at this time. Hawaii is definitely in my future but it’s not only to share time with family… but I’ve got my own explorations to discover there… I want to go to the outer islands and volunteer and see whom I find and what communities I’ll find… I’d like to go on my own terms… and as much as I don’t want to spend another winter in my dad’s house… I don’t want to go to Hawaii right now. With the ideas I’ve been thinking… I. Can make some money here in Indiana for a year and when I return to Hawaii I can do just that… visit with family and spend time and share love… but then continue on my purpose and explorations… before I go to Japan…etc. until Nepal. But anyway… she said about not traveling… I told her I’m willing to spend time to see if a relationship can grow, but I’m not going to stay in one spot forever… at least not right now. I agree that time spent together to get to know one another and building a relationship and a bond needs time… I can give a year to this but I’ve got a calling. And I don’t want to just stay for a romantic relationship either. There are too many opportunities for me to develop skills that I want to build to better prepare me for my future endeavors that would be easily found here too. The first thing is to find time…some one on one time with him and see where he’s at and if there can be an agreement. Regardless if it’s not a romantic relationship… I’m completely down for a professional relationship and we’ll both get value from that as well. I found myself at the temple in Utah and I didn’t know where I was going to fit in but it became apparent to me that I was there to help the leader of the temple… to give her confidence in someone she can trust to help run the temple to give her rest. I feel like she saw the value of rest and how much it’s just as important as progression and actions. I found ways to help which wasn’t part of her agenda she usually has for volunteers… she’s so close to the situation that having a outsider who is intelligent and aware and creative come in and see the gaps that aren’t noticed but extremely effective was appreciated by the time I left. I will continue to observe them… but I know I’ll be returning as well to check the status and help when I’m there in the areas needed. I didn’t give her my 100%… i was using the space as an ashram so I gave 50 to her and 50 to myself. She wanted me to be different to who I am… I became an exception for her… I didn’t come to her in the normal terms she’s used to… I came out of no where… she didn’t allow pets but she made an exception… she didn’t allow smoking, but we made agreements… I showed her my potential before we spoke about me moving in…and because what she saw… she was willing to take the chance to make me an exceptions… and she doesn’t regret a thing and got so much more than she expected. Next time… I’d love to give her my 100… I’m taking the steps to better understand to sustain my energies the more I know myself the better I can help the ones I’m engaged with when I see the tendencies I found myself doing. I’m going to go much deeper into the intentional communities to prepare myself for the weekend… but man… I’ve been on here a long time and I’ve been able to express quite a bit and I feel satisfied leaving it here for now. I hope to continue tomorrow… I’ll be helping my dad pick up supplies for his cellar/shelter… I’ll be making cream puffs with my girl friend on Wednesday… I’m thinking that I might ask if there’s a Halloween party maybe going on at the hostel for Thursday… maybe I’ll go a day early? We’ll see… I don’t have any outfit or anything but maybe that’s not really necessary. Ok.. until next time… thank you

If everything is perfect as it is, is it ever ethical to intervene in the suffering of others? When should a spiritually awakened person engage with social issues, and when should they let go ? If everything is love even Evil .Why do you than criticize people like Trump,tate or anyone for that sake. Since they're part of God too....why do you want to change them ? Just for personal satisfaction ?? Just because in your mind you've created this sense of right and wrong in your mind which of course is the function of your survival agenda of your material self . just curious

First You should be relatively a Happy Person if Your Awakened as You say, then this Life becomes a Game, just play it.. Its like sitting down with a bunch of 3yr olds in a park, just play with them, run around, throw a ball, laugh, jump, skip, no care in the world..just do that, that is how You integrate it.. Thinking about it all day, calculating how to do it all day, wondering if I am right or wrong, or what is happening to me all day, is not it!

@JoshB The moment you make a pot out of clay, the unmanifested nature of the clay is gone due to its manifestation. I agree with @Davino that pure awakening is antithetical to your survival (not just your physical body but your idea of you). But, again, the manifestation just appears. It is an illusion. Pure awareness is beyond this manifestation (you coming back as ego trying to integrate life) and unmanifested (your awakened self). Try to renunciate both what's manifested and what is yet unmanifested.

Exactly. People who say that after awakening then have problems to to relate to others since they are at another level, it is because they have not really awakened. If you are awake you see that the others are you, and you relate in a much more direct way. No are you as a ego, you are not imagining them, they are you as substance, you and them are the same. You're not looking for people who know things, you're looking for people who don't put up barriers. The connection that occurs is not mental, the mental does not mean anything, it is real connection because you are open to what you are. It's like when you were a kid and have friends in the school, the problem is that when adults most of them put a lot of barriers, the thing is don't do the same

Seems for so many awakenings your ego has bult an AWAKENED IDENTITY. Keep the work going because you havent even started. When you actually Awaken you instantly Connect because you know they are literally you and your ego can not construct more dualities or feelings of specialness vs others. This does not mean that you will match with all people btw, is just that you won't have trouble relating to people because they will no longer be other people.