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Good morning… so awesome start to the week! My pops and I were able to go to my cousin’s new house up north to share in some family time for the holidays… great big old home that’s super warm and welcoming and had a blast with everyone. We’re gamers and so got a chance to play some new games… the first was Seven Wonders I think… and it was a bit tricky getting the rules, but I had beginner’s luck and did really well playing my cousin and her two kiddos… who are growing so fast.. the youngest had his 20th birthday on Monday… and her daughter who’s 24. We got to cook together in their kitchen which is probably my favorite activity to share during the holiday season… well cooking and games… so perfect! Monday…. I’ve been waiting a week to go to my first beginner’s jam. I knew I was going to love it and it was far more than expectations obviously because I couldn’t imagine all the nuance and details of emotions I was going to experience. And I didn’t know the players who were going to attract together to share in this moment. I went a little early to meet with the gentleman I met a week earlier at a drum troupe practice. It was an old building which had so much character. He gave me a tour which was music studio/living quarters/workshop…. I absolutely loved it and briefly met his dog Indy… maybe a labordoodle mix? But guys started to arrive with their own instruments and wasn’t certain exactly where I was going to find myself… but I ended up with the electrical drum kit. And there ended up being six of us… I guess there was a seventh who showed up because he happened to hear the music as he was driving by… he’s from Indy and happened to be in Anderson. He’s a karaoke singer and it was nice to have him stop by but there was something about someone who comes into a jam session and wants us to stop just to hear him sing…. Hehe… he finally sang along with us… I guess that was just the point… we’re here to connect and share into the musical collaboration. But anyway it was really fucking awesome! I had sat at an acoustical drum kit before. I was dating a musician what nine years ago for a little bit… I went to a few practices where they let me play a little bit… but nothing like this… it was close to three hours on the kit… and I wasn’t by myself… I was with a group of seasoned musicians who were very inspiring and encouraging. I love it! I remember having like four different minds connected to the hands and feet… when I started I just started with my hands… I felt a bit comfortable with this. It did seem that I heard and felt a beat that continued to thread itself throughout the night. I kept trying to get to different rhythms but i could hear these original beats returning and peaking through during the duration of the evening. But dynamics started building on top of it. I was oozing with excitement… I couldn’t stop from giggling of pure bliss in the entire experience. First of all I haven’t found owning instruments so to walk into a studio and be allowed to pick an instrument and give it a go is a blessing. So just being there in the first place warmed my heart and soul. The indoor fire pit might have helped to the warmth too… hehe. But then again… being able to kind of hear a way to sync with the sounds was happening… not to the extent by the fire… but there was something there. I’m still so new to this language I could feel myself finding a simple beat but desire to explore to add more complimentary variety which at times worked but mostly just the potential for something… hehe… it was funny to listen back to the two and a half session the owner recorded for us. During the jam I knew at times I was on but majority being a bit off…hehe… but when I watched it again… I was like holy shit.. there was so much of the music being played by the players that I missed. It’s not like I couldn’t hear them… but I was so focused that I missed their communication of brilliance that I was able to hear in the video… but also telling the drummer… hey girl… shush a bit… there’s some amazing juice here and you’re not adding to the flavor right now… but I know that I can’t learn without going through that struggle of giving it a chance and explore the mistakes to gain confidence. It was fun to struggle through the jam. I could hear the moments where everyone’s musicality was increasing and peaking and I could feel it but couldn’t execute reciprocation of balanced harmony… but I was definitely reciprocating elevated energetic enthusiasm. I want to be able to express myself in every way possible. Again a new language I’m being introduced to where I have a desire to learn and I understand that I’m ready to attract more of this in my life and hell yeah… finally!!! Not that having it any sooner would’ve been better… I wouldn’t have been ready for it… so it’s the perfect timing with the perfect people and the perfect situation… so I wouldn’t have appreciated it if it was before the time it was. I had to gain enough confidence to even exist in this space and so it’s exciting to see I’ve gotten to this point. There’s so much I would like to express but feel like my words are going to be falling short per usual. But I’ve got some cool stuff in the next week that I’ll briefly mention. Yesterday the girl from the hostel needs a place to stay in Indy while she’s working so a message went out to see if anyone can help her out. There weren’t anyone responding and I started to think about a recent buddy I met downtown who has a cool spot and feel like he would be open to this because it seems like he’s craving some attention. So I messaged him and he said he’s down. As I messaging to let them know I have an option… I started to think… hey I’ve been wanting to stay with him too so we can talk about creating apps and websites… so I mentioned I’ll join her at this spot. I’ll pick her up and drop her off from work. I messaged her last night and I’m going to take her to the goodwill outlet when she gets off work and give her some practice time driving on the highway in the city while she’s here. She’s so stinking adorable… I’m so happy we met… yeah I feel like I can get that sister feeling I don’t share with my younger sisters… so I’m loving it. She’ll be going back to Wisconsin next week to get her driver’s license so she can go volunteer in Asheville for the hurricane recovery. But yeah… so heading there today, spending the night with them, hangout out more with my new buddy on Thursday before returning back to my hometown so I can pick up my childhood girl friend on Friday… so we can spend a few days together. She’s willing to share time with me even though her dogs won’t be able to come with us. We’ll be going to the hostel… the manager is hosting a wild game party which will serve meats he hunted and then have games including the Chicken game I’ve spoken about. We’re going a day early to help setup and prepare for the event. People will be showing up Saturday… and that day will be filled with laughter I’m sure. Sunday is up in the air… I’m not sure if we’ll stay one more night at the hostel or if we’ll go ahead and continue down to Kentucky early. I met a beautiful soul during the intention convention who invited me to come to her home in Lexington for a dinner party and ecstatic dance party at her home. She said that we could spend the night too which is awesome! So we’ll head back home on Tuesday. Again I have these ideas of how things will go… but I’m trying to be more open to spontaneity. This will be the general outline and guidance… but so curious to experience all the details. Ok… I want to start getting myself together before I head out. Until next time… enjoy! here’s a clip that i made for IG reel on first jam session, but not last IMB_75Bb6b.mp4

For some, Estate Normie was wonderful: clean streets, mail that arrived on time, and sensible work from morning to evening collecting things and measuring the estate. These citizens, Normies, were much valued by the Estate Master: Lord Future. Lord future enjoyed power, and the Normies were most suspectable to the allures of his! Work hard he told them, give me all your present time, and all your present energy, and most of your present life and in the future you shall be rewarded! Perhaps an Estate like this one, although given your humble background likely much smaller and otherwise deflated, for you to age in your final days. For this beneficence and self-less kindness, Lord Future was the beloved of the Normies. And thus did they find most unfathomable a small, almost otherworldly minority: the Divergent. O "those divergent," the Normies thought to themselves! Always lacking proper sense, proposing "new ideas" and distracting from respectable road and weather chatter to motor-mouth about some bizzarro new notion (like self-actualization). What need we for "new" when the old works! But even through this, many of the Normies secretly envied the Divergents and thus enjoyed the subtle pleasure of controlling them, as eager deputies, for Lord Future (whose powers were more phantom-like than real!) How delicious to catch a Divergent a few minutes late for labor or delayed on a project because life! What is life if not serving the Estate, our (Normie) future! Inside his mansion, rich in marble and fine carpets and foreign wines, Lord Future viewed with pleasure from his balcony the marvelous economy he created before himself, his profitable Normie Estate that each moment gave him bliss (as much bliss as a man like him can feel)! What a fool thinks that life is meant for tomorrow and not today! How most appropriate and advantageous to himself, the Lord Future, thought to himself, that the Normies disagreed and the Divergents were too few and divided to break out of the Estate (which legend has it used to be theirs). For if they ever did, they'd behold the fresh farmlands and vineyards and free flowing waters just beyond the Estate. And what is a Lord without serfs?

Maybe I wanted domestic tranquility. Maybe I craved domestic bliss. Either way it was supposed to be something really powerful. What happens when you hate life?

No, too much suffering has already happened and still is happening, time to try another way, Peace/Bliss path for sure, much less suffering this way...but I don't know if this will happen within this or next generation, probably not...,

When I make a post about something existential or spiritual people critique me. It's OK I welcome them, but then they carry on with these endless debates, and ask endless questions and are endlessly seeking answers and going around in circles. It's never enough. It's always something else. I will ask something here and there just to hear another's perspective and if I feel like changing mine, I do, if not then so be it. Doesn't matter, what is, is. If I don't like my perspective I change it. So I believe anyway. I've already come home. I'm home. All this stuff is add-ons. I'm very curious, curious about life. I love to learn. I'll never stop learning. I love existential shit. I love reading and watching videos about existential shit. I love to read when Leo posts about existential shit. I love to read Razaards comments. True or bullshit. Doesn't matter. What is, is. I love to read some of the journals. It shows another side to people's characters. I see it as life expressing itself, not someone to judge. I see life expressing itself everywhere. I see myself acting out, I see myself going through the motions. I see life acting out there too. I see movement. I see life's spontaneity, I see the mystery, the magic, the miracle. It all is. Doesn't feel good at times, but so what, I don't need to write a book about that. I don't complain when I feel good, why complain when I feel bad. It's only good because I made a distinction. Why the fuck am i going to complain about the distinction. I might complain about a context or an experience, but I'm not going to complain about a feeling. Let it be there. It'll pass. So will the experience. I'm in love with life not because I'm getting something from it. Not because i'm gaining anything from it, not because I'm so happy and everything is going great. I'm not seeking bliss and enjoyment. I love life because I exist. I love life because it exist. I love life for life itself. It's amazing. I may dislike things about life, I may dislike some people, I may dislike some circumstances, I may dislike suffering, pain and negative emotions. So what. Doesn't mean a damn thing. That's part of life and if I love life why not love the dislikes too. I love the fact that I dislike certain things. That's beautiful too. Shows variety, shows aliveness, spontaneity, variation. Life is so beautiful to me even with it's ups and downs, even throughout all the bullshit and negativity. Why, I have seen how I've transformed them. How I have re-shaped them right before my eyes. I've seen the magic happen. I've seen it both ways. I've seen how I've turned something joyful into sorrow in an instant. There's nothing there. Yet there is. How is that not magical. The mind is beautiful, corrupt, a devil God, heaven hell, sane, insane, neurotic, delusional, every good and bad description. I can pop anyone in as I please. I do it every instant. That's what's creating the feelings. That's what's creating the mirage of how I feel. It's not really there but it is. I feel, but I'm not really. That's why it's called feelings. I feel like I'm feeling something. The clues are all there.

@Razard86 interesting. Let's see where this takes us while expanding on the self worth issue. As far as I remember my issues with self love became much worse after a messed up sexual incident from when I was six and my mom accused me of molesting my sister. This was worsened by my father abandoning me and of course I blamed myself for that too. I have been trying to love myself all along but it literally felt impossible. I tried to reestablish my sense of self worth by placing really high standards on myself like sexual purity, leaving a legacy after my death, commitment to truth which ultimately brought me to actualized.org even though truth hurts me and I might not actually like it, deep intelligence and wisdom, and justifying my existence through living a higher purpose beyond things like sex and relationships. I'm not actually Christian, but I developed Christ like standards and began to self sacrifice. I viewed purpose as something that would give me the will and strength to live. I discovered I was capable of self deception when I told myself it was just nightmare and I tried to love myself by avoiding self deception and facing the truth no matter how painful, but I still felt unlovable. All I do is hurt myself even when I try to love myself. One of my therapists suggested that my self worth is wrapped up in constant self punishment leading to intense shame. And of course it wasn't just one incident, there was a lot of chaos in my childhood which eventually built up into suicidal thoughts and other problems as I got older. I'm pausing a lot as I type, sometimes wanting to cry and wanting to die. I'll keep doing my best no matter how hopeless and how much of a broken record I sound like for complaining about my problems. Most people don't want to here this stuff. Sometimes I talk about this stuff because this type of sexual trauma is not well known and discussed. I have met people carrying intense shame for child sex abuse in which they were perpetrators as children. These people are suicidal, nobody loves them or wants to hear from them, and they live their lives in constant darkness. I was the first to validate the feelings of these people because I know this kind of stuff makes You want to kill yourself and others would celebrate. I want this kind of suffering to be better known because it is a deeply taboo subject that is ignored, causing children to commit suicide. I'm actually trying to be good, but other people cannot see that. I don't allow children to suffer like this, and I protect them. I considered making a support group for people like this because this kind of support group doesn't exist. It shows too much compassion for child molesters and is thus demonized because suicide is preferred from society's point of view. Remember most child sex abuse is perpetrated by other youth, not adults. Obviously I'm not minimizing the suffering of the victim, but if ever I speak of this, it will be interpreted that way and I will appear as a devil. You mentioned that I am not in control of what I like and dislike. I thought I was. This meant that I was responsible for the problems caused by the fact that I like board games and strategy games and I would enjoy being a professional chess player. The career is impractical and it looks like I'm sabotaging my long term life so long as I don't give up and keep trying. I don't see what kind of long term life is worth living anyway. In reality chess does not give enough value to society. I actually love training kids for chess tournaments and then I watch them win. My desire to be a professional chess player and help others achieve it is seen as a fundamental problem with me because of what I like. Apparently, I'm supposed to just accept that this was never a realistic goal for me and then somehow find happiness doing something else. I find it extremely demoralizing when I'm repeatedly told I need to give up because I'm not good enough due to my life circumstances and birth iq no matter how much effort and accomplishments I have in this field. Somehow personal development is supposed to solve the fundamental problem that I like chess tournaments and teach me to be content with life by forcing myself to do something more valuable to society even if I don't enjoy it. The only way to compensate the misery this causes me is by doing something so grandiose that it would be worth sacrificing my happiness. All of these options are unobtainable and unrealistic anyway. Therefore, the end is that I'm stuck in a shitty job I hate no matter how hard I try. The problem is that I'm supposed to like something else and be passionate about something practical and then I can follow my passions. This is the reality of personal development no matter how it is marketed on the surface. All of this sounds like complete bullshit to me and I don't feel motivated at all. I don't have the energy and enthusiasm I used to have when teaching children how to win tournaments. It logically follows that if I like things that don't contribute objective value to society, then they should be discarded in favor of things I don't like. In my case, I also like videogames. Playing videogames does not contribute objective value to society even if it makes me happy like board games. If I want to build a life worth living, then I must instead force myself to read personal development books even if I don't enjoy it. This helped me to further accumulate wisdom that I used to help suicidal people when combined with deep self reflection. I therefore provided objective value to society by not doing what I liked and instead doing what I disliked. I logically understand that I am good person for saving people from suicide, but I still don't feel happy because my happiness was sacrificed a long time ago. I have done so much research on psychology that I often prove more helpful then actual therapists. There are far too many incompetent therapists and I know better than them despite their college education. Sometimes they oversimplify spiritual views they don't understand, leading to the pre trans fallacy due to their lack of interest in philosophy, probably because they thought mere philosophy has no objective value for society. Sometimes they don't take me seriously when I'm the victim of sexual harassment. I am more sensitive to how society constructs a perceived "justice" by either dismissing a person's grievances as if they are just whiney bitches because they don't want to hear it or by weaponizing accusations by making every negative assumption until any defense seems impossible in their eyes. This is the reality of what humans call "justice" and it is full of socially constructed survival games and complete bullshit. Society treated me like I was a whiney bitch for complaining about sexual harassment and the difficult social dynamics it was creating for me and my therapist didn't see this. Aside from this there are also therapists who dogmatically apply therapeutic principles without regard for individual uniqueness or they insist on tough love for trauma victims. Therapy is designed for shallow minded people, thus my intelligence will be underestimated leading to bad advice. Sometimes they try to solve my problems by getting me to date despite severe depression, of they have reasons, but they don't see the full picture. Apparently, it is hard to find a good therapist for someone with autism like me leading to all this disappointment. On the bright side I actually like studying psychology and it provides objective value for society. The actual goal of personal development and life purpose is to like and be passionate about something that is practical and provides objective value to society. I have accomplished this by studying psychology. I just do it for free instead of making money because I see this as basic human decency to support people who need help. I have been treating personal development as something that is supposed to fundamentally change who I am. Who I am is the problem so long as my dreams are impractical and unvalued because of what I like and dislike. You are suggesting that I use spirituality to love who I am. I have been trying to love myself all along. I have been trying to do this all my life. I have the proof that I am valuable and society would be worse off if I killed myself. This is what I remind myself of when I try to fight my suicidal thoughts. I still struggle to love myself despite having a ton of proof. I have a lot of automatic shame and guilt due to trauma and it leads to me having muscle spasms and instinctively beating myself up for being evil no matter how much my logical mind tells me this isn't true. I am a deeply logical person and this is pointed out by my life coaches. They think I'm not as in touch with my emotional side because I seem robotic sometimes. I actually studied a lot of books on emotional mastery and did a lot of mindfulness meditation and exercises. I am more emotionally wise than others realize. There is just a tendency to project bad faith as humans inevitably do, leading it to be impossible to be understood. In a sense I am both extremely emotional and extremely logical because I use logic to cope with extreme emotions. Do I need to be more logical or more emotional? In reality people who are suicidal might do it because they logically conclude that their life sucks and they can avoid suffering through death. Maybe I'm not emotional enough instead of logical enough. Intellectually I know I am love, but I'm still full of so much shit that I don't live my life in bliss over how awesome I am objectively. Maybe I'm not logical enough instead of emotional enough. Maybe logic and emotion is a false dichotomy. I was under the impression that true spirituality meant plugging 5meo dmt up my ass and realizing that I am God. That is what Leo would do because God is also love. I thought that spirituality would give me another chance to love myself by reconextualizing my entire life and fundamentally changing my identity. I can't be conscious enough to realize I am God because I haven't plugged 5meo dmt up my ass. This is why I struggle with love. Based on what I wrote in this short, brief, quick post, that took me three hours to write you seem to be correct that fundamentally, I want to be treated with respect, be comfortable pursuing what I love, and I want to share love with others. I think you were insightful in that regard. I will have to think about what I would tell my child or my best friend of they were in this position. If it were a child, then obviously I would make the struggles of a chess career clear, but I would be willing to support him all along the way to the best of my abilities to ensure your dream becomes a reality and you don't have to suffer all this regret from unrealized dreams on your death bed as if it is your fault for not being good enough or for being who you are. For a best friend stuck at a shitty job with a shitty family and suffering from a lot of shitty mental health issues because of very shitty trauma while feeling shitty because of unobtainable goals and Christ like standards, then I would give him a hug. I would tell him that you deserve to be loved even though you are seemingly fucked because of your shitty life. There are no easy answers, but I want to be there to support you in what ever way I can as you cling to the hope that one day your life will not be as shitty as it presently is even though your presently shitty life makes you want to kill yourself. It will not solve your problems, but love is all I can offer you. Any thoughts? Thank you so far.

SENSE MAKING: Notice how everything either makes no sense or perfect sense. Somewhere in between too because anything goes, but within the human story it usually fits in perfectly or not at all. It's genius. Even when it doesn't make sense, it's still genius because there's something there that says it doesn't make sense. What determines that it doesn't make sense. Why doesn't it make sense. Then there are reasons given. How did we come up or determine those reasons. Logic? How was logic formed? Intelligence? Where's the stupidity. We say if we have this, there must be that. The other side of the coin. So, if there's Absolute intelligence then where is Absolute stupidity. Absolute intelligence is complete? No its not. Putting a word after Absolute is defining that word against some other word. When I ramble like this, I have not thought any of this through; they are just thoughts coming out in the moment, so if they're sounding silly and doesn't make any sense, then that's why. No it's not. That's another thing that makes this seem so logical. If someone who doesn't know how to read, write or compute sentences look at this, they wouldn't be able to decipher if it makes sense or not. It only makes sense or no sense to someone with a story. I learnt how to read and write and understand so I know when something makes sense vs, I don't know what that's saying and I don't understand because I never learnt how to read and write. That's the difference. Same human species. Knowledge separates them. Some will say, we know nothing then continue to formulate a perfect sentence. How's that. They mean we know nothing about Reality? Is that it? Well, why not say that. Why not be precise. Saying we know nothing, then continue to keep your hand out the fire says you do know something. Who is the we. Babies included? They know nothing? That's right. They know nothing. They cry and pee themselves, and laugh and smile and wave and whatever else they do because they know nothing. What do they know? They know they exist? Ask a baby do you exist. Ask a new born do you exist. They wouldn't even know who you are. They'll sense their mothers maybe. How do they do that. Instincts? Well, shouldn't instincts make then scream when taken away by a stranger. They're not capable of......i mean I could go on and on with this and all the stories, reasons and logic would come pouring in. This is genius. Everybody and everything is involved to make this into a worldly staged masterpiece. All the sense making, the not so sense making, geniosities, stupidities, mediocrities', all of it came together perfectly. Or did it. Is that what we're doing here; trying to make sense of this chaos using our senses. Or is that just another story. Life is a bunch of stories. No stories, no life. Just energy bouncing around. Idk. Is energy bouncing around. They say nothing is happening. Then we say no, but we can't say that because it breeds ignorance and madness. Which is it. Oh I forgot duality, non duality, relative and Absolute. Who taught us those words. Where did they come from. Ah, yes, Greek origins or wherever else. We have to consider the relative and the Absolute in order to make sense of this. We are humans who have to have a life and navigate the world and awaken to out true nature. Why not the dogs. Oh, I forgot. The dogs don't matter, we're intelligent and we are evolved and we have brains and a mind to help with this evolvement and God made us specially to do this. Plus we have to awaken to achieve bliss and don't suffer. Now, that's special. I feel really special. Will this special species still suffer and feel pain.

Humans appear to be the only ones "putting in the work". Seems like the difference between humans and other species is delusion. Can't be wrong, because nothing is really wrong. I don't see birds putting in the work, I don't see the sun putting in the work, I don't see ants putting in the work.....well...maybe, they're always putting in the work of being an ant. Not to try and become something else. Doing the work to die in a better state, is that it. Maybe afterwards we'll be smarter, more intelligent. Not sure. More bliss, less suffering, happier. Idk. I can do that right now. I can. I can be sad right now too. Just think about my mother's departure or think about my cat dying. That'll make me feel sad. I can think about love, peace, happiness and be loving, peaceful and happy. I need to work out to build muscle, but I need not do anything to feel. Just be.

@Ishanga Indeed, just yesterday a moderator said to me that I was doing 'stretching and breathing exercises' 😂 I think that is the main problem. They see people do Asanas and they just think you align your body in those ways to calm yourself or to exercise the body. They do not understand an Asana when you master it is like an instant click for consciousness, a single Asana like Nadi vibhajan has given me extreme levels of Bliss and pure infinite perception, over and over. But most importantly they do not know until I firstly understood what Nadi Vibhajan is, it took me almost 2 years of practice almost each day. I probably did Nadi vibhajan more than 1400-1500 times before for the first time I actually did it correctly. 😂 Now lately I am doing Surya Kriya, and since I already have a certain platform of understanding, the Asanas already are starting to open up big things, but if I had started Surya Kriya 3 years ago, before any previous Yoga sadhana, I would just think is like a series of stretching or calming exercises. An apparent Kriya such as Surya Kriya is incredibly sophisticated, every detail of it is carefully put in place for a reason, nothing is random, but from the outside it might look like you are just simply stretching and oxygenating your body. Things are not what they seem. Yeap, seems you are putting the work 👏

Not so, this is just conditioned into Us so we remain slaves to a system for the elite to benefit from, that Suffering is necessary and a part of life, that is not so.. One can travel the path of Peace, Clarity and Bliss and do all things necessary for life to go on and advance and be much more beneficial to the masses but they internally are unaffected by it via any outcome, and know Reality as it is...that is not possible via the Suffering route..

True! Ppl talk here say this and that, they say they have suffered that is their Truth, but when they write about it here, share their suffering its just a Story to the rest of Us reading it, like a philosophy no different.. So the essence of it is this, once it is in YOUR EXPERIENCE then it is Truth and Reality, that is the only thing that really matters is Your Experience, and it only happens within YOU, no where else, this is the only aspect of Solipsism that is true on a Experiential level.,, Suffering can be used, as anything can be used to bring You to Your Higher Potential, but Suffering is not a Higher Potential at all, its a lower Potential, because the Experience of Suffering disempowers You, Bliss Empowers You so that Your Potential is more revealed to You then hence Transformation is upon One, so Bliss is the safest Path, get Blissful of Your Own Nature and then see the World/Life open up to Higher Potentials..

No, completely off base here with this. Life is not Infinite Love, Your just lacking in Love that is why you put it up on a pedestal.. Love is Inclusion, its Me including You as a part of Myself, its a Sweet Emotion that Humans are capable of Experiencing to a high degree of Intensity, Life is not this, Life/Absolute is all Possibility and Potential, but don't call a Serial Killer Love, call it Hate, which is also another Potential, opposite of Love but Possible to be existing and expressed.. As Humans we can choose where to Vibe and be within Ourselves, do You want Love or Hate, with Love there is great Bliss attached to it, that is why You want it, if Love meant great pain and suffering You would not want it, we call that Hate, that is why the Serial Killer does what he does, he Hates his victims and uses them for his/her own pleasure..

It is different in the way it is felt. So for me is different. I prefer samadhi than stressing myself and having anxiety attacks. You could say is all the same but personally I do have a preference in preferring the samadhi and I do not think that is selfish but rather the intelligence within choosing. I must be very alone in this path. Razard, CarlRichard and You seem to think the same way. (in another post I also had this argument with them) Ime There is a difference between the source and thoughts. The proof is you can be hours without thoughts, but thoughts can not happen without You. For me this is the proof I obviously not the thoughts, thoughts are a creation and a compulsion within me. Sadhguru said thoughts or 'disturbances' happen because the source of creation which is pure intelligence sacrifices this intelligence for action (karma). So basically every time you identify yourself with a limited happening that is karma, because you just abandoned yourself (Pure Bliss, Nothingness, Non Existence becomes compression, something, existence) So basically it is in the forgetting of one self that one creates a reality and gets entangled in it. That is not my experience, but if that is yours That´s also another perspective, yes. I was understanding samadhi as no mind. My point is openness happens when mind is stilled and no disturbance happens.

So I had a strange one today. I was in the space, having the ultimate experience. And somehow, my ego came online midtrip (this has never happend before) It started kicking some fear and panic into me. Internally this experience is very loud, and on the comedown Im always worried if I have been vocally/physically loud. Recorded myself several times and always been quiet with some minor movements. My ego reminded me that I'm actually in my house/bed. That I'm a person. Reminded me of my life and the world. "the real reality". I was fighting it. That's not real! That reality has seized. I have awakened! I'm never going back. A part of me was fighting it. And the other part was trying hard to ground myself and kill the trip. I remember looking at my hands but couldnt see them as my vision was still entirely in the other dimension. I found/felt my hands. When I felt my skin it hit me. Damnn, I AM still a person I am here in my bed just tripping balls. I held on to my hands trying to ground me back to "reality". But there was no ground. Caught a glimpse of the moment I loaded up the emesh and was like damnn, took too big of a dose. I have really done it this time. I was torn between bliss and panic. I was convinced I would likely wake up in the psych ward. Could swear I heard all the paramedics bumrushing my bedroom and taking me away. I lost it all. I lost my house. lost everything. I made a complete fool of myself. I ruined my entire life, with just a few crumbs of 5meo. I could see myself from the third person. Stuck in the 5meo space. I looked completely insane. This is how they see me. Somehow things calmed down and I opened my eyes and was surprised to find myself sitting upward in the most elegant symmetrical position legs crossed hands together. I expected to be in the psych ward or at least in some pathetic fetal position on the floor somewhere. But that wasn't the case. My sheets weren't even a bit messed up or anything. I cracked a smile and admired the position I was sitting in. So calm. So peaceful. So elegant. Wtf.

@Breakingthewall hi, do you know how to lock in a psychedelic state? A state full of Bliss love and light?

If you annihilate yourself from existence (not just dying as a body, but truly as a Being you dissolve into Nothingness/Bliss), others part of you that are still not conscious enough will still carry a body and might even reincarnate into other forms. This does not change there is still only one being, but the one being is infinite and infinitely fragmented (this is before Awakening), so some parts will realize before Others. Infinity is awakening at different times, some parts Awaken before others. This was necessary in order to create a reality with apparent duality in the first place. For a race to make sense some must reach the finish line before others, and vice versa.

Exactly. "Imagine" becoming the Hammer. You can imagine anything, but at some point you get tired of imagining. When that moment comes you will seek Truth. From its imagination. So what? Imagination needs Intelligence. Intelligence do not need imagination to exist. In samadhi states, psychological mechanism dissappears. Do you as empty Bliss dissappears? No! Samadhi "states" are the proof Consciousness or God do not need memory, imagination or "Mind" to exist. This is a second fabrication which can dissappears where the Absolute remains. In other words, a hammer needs the proyection of God to exist. But God does not need a hammer to exist When you later identify with a hammer, then we say that "God" is in Maya. You just lost Yourself in your Creation. Such a pity the Creator forgot itself in the Creation! Do you want Truth or do you want to Keep Dreaming? Thats a trascendental decision that changes the course of Existence. Lots of "Gods" Will prolong It because they are too attached to their dream.

Nobody can tell you that You are in love. Only, You can know you are in love. Joy, bliss, freedom and love. These 4 compounds never leave each other, always together. I am in love, you can be too. Forget about being right or wrong, your worries, thoughts, just stay in this very moment, breath, calm down and look at around. Don't you see and feel that all is love in this very moment? It is impossible and inevitable not to feel... Life, what a chance, what a beauty, you are so lucky to read these sentences, share the love, feel the love and be the love. Thank you very much my friend, I love you, I love you. If I die, thank you for thinking about me, for these conversations, arguments. Thank you. Your very close friend James. I love you. Hit me up if you need freely any help. All is free, we are here for to help each other, we are here for each other. I love you.

Hey y'all This is going to be my new journal on my new account. I left the old acc because I didn't like my username. Let me introduce myself first. My name is Sincerity and I'm from Poland. [image removed] ^ This is me! I'm currently ??? years old. I'm admittedly young but I hope you can see me beyond my age, for what I am I've been on this forum for more than 3 years and until now I've (kinda) held my identity a secret. But lately I've had some realizations in regard to expressing myself more honestly and yeah. Here I am, being more open with you. Now you have a slightly better idea of who's behind the account. (Edit: Ironic haha. But it has to be this way. Everything ends.) I've been on the spiritual path for roughly 4-5 years now and I feel like I've had much progress. I definitely have many insights to share. But I'm still pretty much a beginner and I'm on the journey along with you. Try to keep up, because I feel like I'm growing pretty fast (this year has been insane for me so far, seriously!) I've been mulling over my important values for years and this is where I stand right now: I am primarily about goodness. I am about love. I am about bliss, wisdom, appreciation, responsibility, sincerity, curiosity, discipline and humility. I also really value humor and laughter. You might notice I'm often tongue-in-cheek in my posts I don't like posting very frequently and I'm still not sure what I will even be posting here but tell you what, it's going to come from a place of sincerity Love and have a great day ❤️

This is a very beautiful story honestly 💜 But now i also want blue beings and 12 centimeter bliss light kundlinis.

If you want bliss from being in their presence, you would want a teacher with a strong Shakti. Jan Esmann is pretty unmatched here. But he doesn't call himself a saint, so there is that. He does Shaktipat, a focused transmission of energy.

I don’t think Sadhguru is on the same level of Maharajji. I’ve never read that people felt that bliss just out of his presence, nor that he has performed miracles. Does such a saint even exist nowadays?

Psychedelic Background: I’ve had approximately 20 LSD trips, ranging from 100 to 350µg. I recently acquired 100mg of 5-MeO-DMT freebase with the goal of experimenting using the plugging method. Here’s a summary of my attempts (it all happened the same day): First Attempt: Plugging (15mg + Vinegar) Dose: 15mg, following Leo's guide. Result: A very mild experience—just a light buzzing sensation in my head, but nothing substantial. Second Attempt: Plugging (22mg + Vinegar) Dose: 22mg, same method as before. Result: Absolutely no effect. I suspect this was due to inserting the syringe too deeply + the dose being too low. ------------- Switching to Snorting After two underwhelming results with plugging, I decided to try snorting and save further experimentation with plugging for when I have more 5-MeO. First Snorting Attempt (15mg Freebase + Vinegar): Preparation: Dissolved 15mg of freebase in 3ml of vinegar to convert it into a salt. Method: Snorted the solution directly from a scoop. Result: No effects. Likely due to snorting too hard, causing most of the liquid to drip behind my nose. Second Snorting Attempt (18mg Freebase + Vinegar): Preparation: Dissolved 18mg of freebase in 3ml of vinegar. Method: Used a syringe to snort the solution very slowly. Result: Light visuals (blurring and whitening of surroundings). A melting sensation in my body and ecstatic sensations, especially around my heart. My mind stopped thinking, and I felt a profound sense of lightness and bliss. Absolutely no fear or terror, maybe due to prior experience with surrendering on LSD. Enhanced perception of details, e.g., looking at my hand and noticing its scale was distorted and hyper-detailed. No God realization or profound insights, "just" a state of no-mind, lightness and bliss. Reflection: It was very tilting having no trips for 3 consecutive attempts, but I’m thrilled to confirm the molecule works for me. The last attempt was especially promising. Next Steps: Continue experimenting with snorting next week when I have more substance. Adjust the vinegar ratio (less vinegar to reduce the burn, the last attempt burned LIKE HELL). Snort even more slowly to minimize loss of liquid into the throat. Aim for a solid 25mg trip. I'll probably try again plugging in the upcoming months and start experimenting with vaping. Thanks for reading, I’d be glad to hear your questions, advice, or any tips you might have for improving my technique or deepening the experience.

So, I just realized I haven't really spoken at all about my spiritual journey since my post more than 3 years ago, where I talked about my transition from Coral (Indigo) to Teal (Violet), my experiences and the shifts it had on me as a person. There is a good reason why I haven't talked at all about my spiritual journey since then, and that's because around this time is when I ended my spiritual journey. I considered myself done, and I was satisfied with where I was. Then about one year following that, another major shift happened in my subconscious, a silent, hyper-focused efficiency in all pursuits and a deeply rooted grounded-ness and peace with all that is. It's surprisingly a lot more difficult to talk about Ultraviolet from the point of Clear Light as it is about as different as any first tier stage would be from Ultraviolet. There are almost no commonalities between the two, and I'm having a hard time relating to this point in time despite not even having spent two weeks since I began transitioning to fourth tier consciousness. So, to get to the meat of it all. What and how did this come to be? Well, you see, I met this girl in school, and through her presence experienced selfless love for the first time in my life. This however was not the reason this change could take place, it was the intense emotional highs and lows that resulted from our relationship, resulting in both more pain and more happiness than I had ever experienced before in my life. This emotional rollercoaster eventually led me to face and unknowingly discard the last remaining parts of my ego. What followed was that I had unknowingly started to integrate the selfless love I felt for her, shaping my very being, allowing me to produce these feelings within and by myself. I didn't know it until it dawned on me a week later, but I had just started tapping into clear light. Looking back, that much is clear. Barriers related to feeling exhausted, physical and mental tiredness, limitations in focus all simply disappeared. While I can obviously still get physically tired like if I don't get enough sleep, since this point in time I've been immune to physical and mental tiredness in every other sense of the word. Even back in Ultraviolet, I would've never believed something like this to be possible for anyone, period. It feels like a transcendence of introversion and extroversion in many regards, as energy is no longer derived from socializing with groups of people or being by myself, but simply through being, resulting in limitless storages of energy throughout every moment of every day. This has been my reality for the past 12 days, and I've tried to test it by pushing myself to an extent that would have completely broken my past self. One such test was to study an extremely technical subject I'm working on, but for 15 hours straight, where 5 minutes of rest follows after 90 minutes of deep focus work until 15 hours have passed. I expected this to completely break me mentally, however it didn't. My focus didn't waver one bit throughout the day and I got more progress done than in the last week and a half put together. Ongoing list of immediate changes and insights from clear light when compared to any prior stages: Introversion and extroversion transcended. Energy flows freely, infinitely at every moment of every day with no effort needed to maintain it. Any and all past barriers and imagined limitations disappear completely. What's left is to witness the endless possibilities of it all, and to casually sail the waves of time. The capacity for deep uninterrupted work is supercharged to what would previously seem like an impossible degree. Sitting uninterrupted with something for x number of hours, be it 12 hours or 20 hours straight makes no difference. It's as effortless during the first hour as it is during the last. The beingness that happens at this stage makes past limitations, self-imposed or otherwise vanish as if they were never there to begin with. Physical capacity is greatly enhanced and too feels effortless when compared to what could be achieved before and what back then would have pushed the body to the breaking point now becomes an effortless dance between mind and matter. An outlook on what is with a profound sense of childlike wonder. Everything becomes magical and interesting, as if opening ones eyes for the first time. Extremely high levels of compassion, warmth and care for everything and everyone around me. Moodiness transcended. Permanent sense of bliss, wonder and unbound potential. Complete disconnect between past and present. No reference points to look back on, even from prior stages like Ultraviolet. There can't be any "after" as all limitations and dualities break apart at this point. It's very appropriately set as the final stage, as there can't be any after, when there is nothing more left for there to be an "after" of. I will probably keep adding to this post as I experience more, and I will date my updates accordingly. I've only "been" at what I perceive to be clear light for 5 days now (while the transition lasted 7 days), and which most definitely has to be a 4th tier stage due to how radically different it is from any prior stage or tier. It's been difficult for me to post about this sooner, as I've been having great difficulty grounding myself in reality following this realization. My body has very much been lagging behind so to say, but it's getting better by the day. 2024-11-21 16:58 GMT More about me. While I've been "on the path" very actively for the better part of 11 years, I've never taken psychedelics, so I've never gotten to experience glimpses of higher states of consciousness, only to drop down again right afterwards. Every time my consciousness has shifted, that new stage has quickly become the new baseline.

So letting go of lust and no pmo is good, but the other dopamine addictions will also have to be let go - which is pretty much the whole internet, so I’l have to let go of music, anime, movies, comedies, shopping. But if I do let go of it all, then the reward is becoming enlightened and living in endless bliss forever. I’ve done it for months already, I know the benefits and enlightenment is true and that I can do it. But I wi probably relapse, or maybe not, but I have to try.