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So I was walking my usual night walk, and before I came back to go inside, I stopped to look at the beautiful snow, the moon and the oddly lit clouds up above. Then I got a nostalgic feeling back to when I used to smoke out in the night. Then I simply had the impulse to pretend taking a hit from a joint, inhaling and exhaling, just for the nostalgia. Then I decided to pretend like I'm going to smoke an entire joint just the same way I used to. I was also curious if I could recreate the high state this way. Smoking is like riding a bike or playing an instrument in that even after a long break, you quickly if not instantly get into the old groove, the old patterns. So I took the careful puffs like I used to do to not accidentally cough. I filled my mouth with the cool winter air running through my fingers, and the cool air filling my lungs gave the feeling of inhaling something other than just air, actual smoke, causing the slight heaviness and irritation in the lungs reminiscent of the real experience. After each exhale, I felt into my body, searching for the faint warmth associated with the body high, and the memories of this feeling flooded me, creating a feeling reminiscent of the real experience. I thought that smoking for a high like this is actually quite an exercise in body awareness. Similarly, I remembered the sensation of becoming more aware of one's surroundings, of sounds, of the visual scenery, of the visual static in the visual field while looking up at the dark blue early-morning nightsky. I kept on taking puffs, following the script, pretending like I'm not wasting it, hurrying a little in between puffs, feeling the slight excitement of smoking it, again feeling the body high coming on, feeling slightly exhausted from smoking, thinking that there is not much left of the joint and it's soon time to pack up. I finished the imaginary joint with the smaller and smaller puffs, milking it for every last breath, all until it nearly burns my fingers, until I throw it away. As I throw it away, I look one more time at the beautiful snow, the dark blue nightsky, feeling my lungs breathing slightly labored, feeling the warmth in my body, and standing there for a moment taking it all in, until I decide to go inside. I turn towards the door and walk slowly towards it, I type the PIN slowly and unlock the door, step inside while carefully removing my shoes, removing my jacket slowly and gently and hanging it on the jacket stand. And then I walk and turn on the light on dim, and I pause for a moment to assess my overall state. I was actually feeling quite "high". Not in the sense that I was overwhelmed by bodily euphoria, although I did feel something in my body as well, but especially my mental state had experienced quite a significant shift. Even as I'm writing this, I feel different. I've read about how the embodied or procedural aspects of drug use have a strong effect when it comes to driving things like addiction and craving, but seemingly, it seems to have a strong effect on the drug experience generally, and that you can emulate some of the experiential aspects, granted that you are able to emulate the procedural aspects accurately (which I felt I did). I wonder what a similarly invested attempted emulation could do for something like LSD. I have sometimes done small excursions with my mind where I try to emulate the psychedelic state, and it does have some noticable effect, but if done in a procedurally similar fashion, it could probably have even more profound effects. And as for people saying "it's placebo". Well, yes, that is exactly what it is. Placebo, or the mind, is incredibly powerful. It's the thing that gets high after all. You can make it do incredible things if you push the right buttons in the right way. Ingesting a substance is only a particularly powerful way of doing it (and of course, should not be undersold or underestimated). But I believe with such techniques like I've described here, especially if practiced and mastered, similar to other techniques like seated concentrative meditation, could definitely aid in profound transformation. Does that mean I will get "high" more often like this? Maybe? Anyways, thanks for reading my "trip report", travelling sober into the sea of memories and deeply ingrained procedural habits, triggering pathways of mind and feeling that have long laid dormant but which are associated with truly altered states of consciousness, partially emulating and provoking them in an act of psychic necromancy. Thank you and god bless America.

Second Attempt (editing while I have only a sentence or two of thought) So, I spent time writing my first post entry, and when I went to post submit there was a little mishap. Technically Fortunately I went through the experience already, so it should benefits me us now. because I went through the experience and learned how I'm going to attempt I have a better idea of how-to setup my Journal. I also found better clarity on what I want to attempt. Communication is my focus here. I now understand that the chaotic manner my mind talks to itself, may seem chaotic to others. I'm used to it though, so it's not necessarily chaotic a beautiful chaos to me. Being able to allow myself to express Freely expressing my thoughts will allows me to purge. my thoughts, and then I'll be able to gain clarity with my communication with others. When I write my personal journals, I don't take the time or effort to edit my words. This however is a public journal and I want to be an effective communicator. I know I need more consciousness in But since I'm developing my this skills to communicate with the collective, I find I'm not as effective as I would like. I have a message I want to share, but and I want to be understood. So, you we are going to get a visual of how I'm editing my free flow to communicate and "the struggle" I'm going to experiencing as I find a way to present my a concise message with clarity. I am not going to erase my words as I type. I will strikethrough the words or and letters I want to delete. I'm using the Blue will indicate for the changes I've made from after my original thought. This is a new process for me, so I'm open to make changes modifications. I don't know how I'm going to present this process accurately. This is becoming tedious work, but I know I'm going to gain huge benefits massive rewards will be the price. Currently communication is important principal for me currently. I want to place My ramblings to will be on this right side. When I want to begin sharing my message with the collective in my version of a concise manner, I believe I will use the other left side. Now I'm using my dad's computer to type right now. It's making sense to me Using this large format it makes sense to use the different sides. I'm uncertain how this will be perceived on a mobile device. I will place the words in italics with the polished version on the left side maybe. I guess hope people will tell me whether I need to find a different approach or not. Because people are have different temperaments, people they will have a choice. If they are just interested in my final submission, then they can stick to the polished version on the left. whether they want to only read my message or If they are interested how want to listen to my process works along with my message, they can choose to read it all too. Again, I'd like to mention repeat that I already had a first attempt to post my Journal, but most of my work was deleted. For a second I was shocked. I couldn't find a way to recover it. With my experience though, I knew this wasn't luck; it was deliberate. Even though this may seem chaotic, it makes better sense. I guess I had to have more of choose a direction of how I wanted to present my Journal. I did however save some sections of my work onto another document. I know the value of transparency and vulnerability. Without these qualities my growth will be stunted. So I'm going to share those thoughts I was able to save. Let's see how we can incorporate them into the dialogue here. I'm going to paste the entire text and then I thought maybe we can I would just select a portion and discuss, but after reading it again I think it's best to just copy and paste the entire my attempt to of expression. At this stage I was about to start continue editing more, but then I realized I need to find a way to show "the process struggle" of the work. (I'm wondering if I should edit directly onto the pasted message or do something different. Hmmm... I'm in no hurry to rush through the process so I'm going to give us a break in struggling to read with the strikeouts and change of colors above.) First Attempt Inserted (I allowed myself longer periods of thought before I started editing, but I didn't effectively show how much wor all of the changes I was making). Well, here I start, but where to start? I don't have the answer, but I trust that wherever I'll start I’ll begin to have a better understanding. Eight days ago, I found myself logging into this Forum for the first time. I’ve been involved with Actualized for a solid six years and gained so many benefits. Now I find myself trying out their Forum (or any forum for that matter). Intuitively there's an opportunity for massive growth here. I've been contemplating how I want to approach my involvement here. I find that I’m uncertain how to proceed. If I allow myself to process openly, I'll realize if there's value or not for myself. The Journal maybe the most beneficial (I don't know). When I first was posting, the bulk of my words were a preamble of my past. Is that necessary though? (It depends on who's engaging I suppose). I assume others are similar to myself. Countless times it's been apparent and proven that it's not the case so far. Why do I continue to assume? Well, it's not like I am absolutely ignorant that others aren't in the same state in any given situation. That's why I love life because of the variety and complexity including others. I find myself with a substantial taste for curiosity, and it's hungry. For me now, it's obvious to direct a large part of my focus on communication. I want clear and in-depth communication whether the use of words is in abundance or in brevity. Conciseness is where my direct experience needs work. To simplify we can break down communication into brevity and depth conversations. Admittedly, in any given situation I would prefer to choose which is the appropriate approach. I have tendencies to want to mostly go in-depth, but at times brevity is preferable. If I want that choice for myself, I can respect others who want to choose as well. The Journal can allow for considerable amounts of content that I consider a depth communication. Give an impression of the transformation of who I was to now, and even into my ideas of future. Building a sense of confidence that I'm someone who has been embodying higher levels of consciousness because of the abundance and diversity of my direct experiences. Existentially I can ask whether there are really levels of consciousness. I'm inserted into the center of infinitude, and yet I experience progression. Is it only because I want to experience what it's like to learn? When it comes to brevity communication it seems more plausible to use in the Forum, comparatively from the Journal. I have to remind myself that brevity conversations don't have to be without depth. Since my focus is on communication, I want to develop this skill more consciously. I've focused on integrity and I'm honest with myself and others when I don't know something or not interested at this point. I feel people who are more geared to hear history and more content will be drawn to a journal setting. Others will be geared towards simple and short communications. The majority of responses I read are mainly a sentence or two... lol. I'm asking myself what are they really trying to say. I've been developing a better understanding of creating balance with energy exchange. I find that I've been free with my energy and attention in the past, but as I gain more consciousness it's best to see where the person's energy is and then respond accordingly. I exhaust my energy because I was unaware, and it's obvious for me to notice I need to be more conscious. My first posts I found myself going right back to freely sharing but quickly noticed I was repeating my conditioning. Since I want to engage with others here, I feel if I can create a journal where I can open my energy freely... that that part of my conditioning can get an outlet at least. Maybe others can gain value of reading my process which give me value. Ultimately, it should in theory allow me to respond in a concise manner when communicating with the public. Communication skills is one domain that continues to develop, and it's been obvious to focus more attention now. A story I repeat is I'm a rambler which makes it hard for others to follow and I want to develop my articulation. I want it to be easier to communicate with clarity. I've been constantly editing. I'm searching for new words which seem to be more fitting to use instead of the common words I'm used to using which might not be as effective. I'm restructuring where to group my sentences that are on similar topics instead of bouncing back and forth. (Rollercoasters are fun and all, but at least they have a track that implies a direction to follow). I don't know how many run-on sentences I've had to narrow down. Deleting sentences because repetition is found everywhere. And noticing how many times the word "I" is used is a bit annoying... lol. Verbal work is one of those things in the back of my mind that I want to do but hadn't allowed opportunity to advance it until now it seems. Another story I repeat is that my language is more subtle, and I communicate and understand better with nonverbal language. I know if I created a hierarchy of my comfort level of communication with others it would be ideally to talk to a person face to face, then video chat, on to the phone, and finally a texting situation. Well... this Forum is a setting for using verbal language. I have a desire to connect with the collective. So let's give it a go here with this journal. (Is there a way to combine the two styles of editing? I really like how I can have longer periods of thought. That creates more of flow state for me. But I also want to be accurate to the editing process I have to do. There's so much more I'm unable to show like my spelling and grammar errors). Ok... it looks as if I need more time to figure out consider how to move forward. I know what I want to say, but adding the additional conversations about my This is going to be very valuable for me. I need to see I'll figure out how I can show share express my thoughts to the public, share my thoughts to myself, show my message drafts, demonstrate my edits in my drafts, and then create a polished message. I have to admit I have already tried to create a visual difference contrast to show these different areas, but I was unsuccessful so far. I posted a Help topic on the Forum to learn how to use the "insert existing attachment." and I probably need to allow more time for someone to help respond. I even thought I could insert basic html to possibly highlight the words with different colors. That's still a possibility. I'll look into that more. (Well... I didn't get to post anything polished yet, but actually that should've been expected. The magic is in the progression anyway.)

Your contradicting Yourself again, first You say one cannot know the path, that one has to walk it alone, then You offer help, which is basically You offering a path. The path is not about the consequence, its to set up the consequence to happen naturally, like planting flowers, nothing You are doing to produce the flower has anything directly to do with a flower, but from the work (path) the flower appears. Paths just offer to a person a faster route, the old saying of using another experience to become wise is true, of course each person has a unique experience and sort of path, but using others experience is wise, with Spirituality this is very true, without Guru's there would be that much less Transformation in the world, they help immensely!!!!

Firstly, A Statement of Intent. Intent is the home of understanding our place in this universe. It helps us understand someone even if their actions are wrong and it helps us see through the deceptions of someone even if their actions are right. Intent therefore has a psychic component to it. It lives beneath the surface of social gatherings and explains without us having to say anything at all how humans no matter how seemingly different, are able to come together in the same vicinity. Intent then, creates a vibe. Vibe to, vibration. Vibration to, alignment of intent. This psychism is the basis for our digital empathy and where then, weaknesses in our character development lead to where it falls short. How much we misunderstand our own intent is a measurement of our own self-deception. Is a measurement of where we felt we thought we were aligned with our truest calling and where, we weren’t. Alignment waits for and therefore relies upon the sorting of intent in the least of these preparations in the awareness, formation and adherence to purpose. Purpose is intent with an arrow of time, the curation of effect in mind in explaining the cause of one’s actions. Purpose then, is not without cognition but in the same breath, nor is it without heart in explaining the full breadth of one’s intent and therefore, the full measurement of one’s level of alignment with their true self, where truth here, is not without consciousness coherence, for if it is, then the truth is instead on reflection upon the causation that’s come in the lead up to this wakefulness that now bares the fruit of its wisdom. To learn from and take responsibility for the experiences that have preceded places us in the greatest position of power to set a good example for not only others but also ourselves and every variation of ourselves that led to this moment. The biggest heartbreak I’ve had to endure is not the heartbreak of losing someone I love but the heartbreak of facing the time I lost from my own absence that created the heartbreak. I have to face all those times I was only semi-aware and therefore only semi-truly myself and because of that I allowed the mind to become corrupted from smoke and mirrors that I didn’t even realise I was creating within myself. I have to force myself to return back in time and re-question the haphazard truth that curated the intent that created my own purpose for explaining the actions I took and the words I said which I now hold closest to what I can learn from. There is an expression of authenticity “being ourselves” and then there is our own negligence that no one has the right to overlook the examining the potential falsity to no matter how seemingly, “well-intentioned” they are unless they wish to admit to themselves and others around them how much of a child they still are in that respect if they wish to remain naive to the ignorance that explains their chosen path, which I wholeheartedly admit, indeed I was. My father was on the edge of passing away last year and I did absolutely everything I god damn well could do to hide from that potential reality surfacing and believe in the seemingly impossible chance of his survival. I was not yet a man that knew how to imagine his life as something that could go on after losing my closest relationship, and that led to me lashing out, characteristic of how I lashed out in the past due to other frustrations I had not yet had the life experience to know how to handle in a way that I could honestly be proud of. Instead I hid behind my intentions, “Well I meant well!”, when in reality I was irrefutably irresponsible and I caused much more drama than others had to put up with because I wrongly felt entitled to being able to do that due to my own victimhood. Victimhood that was of my own making because I did not align as deeply as I should have with truth. To align with truth requires so much more more than mere intent. It requires an intent that is refined by the experience of how to align ourselves emotionally, cognitively, socially, empathically and even culturally, with the latter here especially so if we take the western context into consideration; I’ve been doing a lot of traveling of late, slowly making my way to Ukraine as I’ve signed up for the International Legion of Defence for Ukraine, an action that along with many other life lessons that have transpired over the past 12 months have forced deep developments in my psyche. I felt justified because I was emotionally aligned with intent, however I didn’t have the experiential compass regardless as to how good I felt my own moral compass was to accurately gauge my own potential for self deception. I felt that what had happened to a former member here was morally wrong and so I contended with the person now gone that tried to do a PSYOP on the forum about that. I felt that how Leo responded to the situation was wrong so I made a moral contention about that. I felt that what that person did to Leo was wrong so I made a moral contention about that. And for everything else you can be confident that the story there goes a little something like, “well I felt morally that…”. And of course I now feel that how I behaved in the past was morally irresponsible, so I apologize for that publicly to everyone. Since joining the International Legion of Defence for Ukraine I’ve completely done a backflip regarding my own perceptions on aggression in light of the positive example I wish to set for my nephews. It is of my strongest belief internally that all things being equal social aggression should only be used in so much as it is truly for the defence and protection of others and the margin for error is far less than 20% and where alternative courses of action are less than a 5% chance from being successful. I never so much as tried. What does it mean to stand in allegiance to the truth? What does it mean to no longer cower behind our own resolves of intent we’ve spent a lifetime crafting or even feel justified in holding onto in the ephemeral moment? The defenses we’ve carefully built to keep our identities safe from self-questioning? Today, I’ve begun to answer that question here for myself and I hope for anyone else as well who finds themselves hiding from responsibility when they should be stepping forward into the light to discover with bravery the next step in their evolution. In saying that, I realise that in order to move forward on this forum and take part in good conscience, I must hold myself responsible so that others are aware that I’m aware of what’s was expected of me implicitly. That I’ve learned to focus instead on how I can sweep my own porch first and foremost instead of trying to look outside to escape from having to face my own misalignment with my truest and deepest callings, something we all must do and trusting first and foremost on the natural illumination that follows to set us on the right path. I know what its like to live in the shadows of my own fears, dancing around the edges of my own truth, hoping that somehow I could avoid facing the parts of myself that scared me the most, and that’s often what I did in the obfuscation of bringing more wisdom to my past self’s intents due to my lack of life experience. I’ve sought comfort in identity, in trying to manage my own self-perception without sight on the undercurrents of what drove my behaviour, believing that if I could just keep all the pieces in place, I could avoid the collapse that invariably followed. But here’s the lesson I’m learning: truth doesn’t bow to our control nor to our wishful thinking when it comes to the curation of our neat identities. Truth demands surrender as much as it demands resolve on all that remains after diligent self-scrutinisation. And reviewing the past now with more wisdom, it becomes an ongoing relearning and refining of our own alignment with the truth of our beings, intelligently learning to identify the areas that makeup our intents and then re-question them only for the certainty that the truth requires of us in order to articulate ourselves into the next moment with our deepest alignment with truth. When my father’s health faltered, I felt the ground beneath me begin to quake. I felt my own identity, one that I’d built around certainty, around being the one who was heroic and wanted to protect others — begin to crumble. And instead of confronting that fear directly, instead of standing tall in the face of it, I lashed out. I let my own inner turmoil spill out into the world, looking for someone to blame, someone to carry the weight I was too afraid to hold myself. And in those moments, I was a coward. I let fear dictate my actions. I let my ego, in all its fragility, lead the way. I wanted to hide, to make myself small, to ask for anonymity here because it felt safer to be unseen than to risk being judged. But safety is an illusion when it comes at the cost of our own integrity. Courage isn’t about the lack of fear it’s about facing that fear head-on, without flinching and then holding your nerve even if you do. It’s about standing in front of the mirror of our own consciousness and refusing to look away, even when what we see there is painful, messy, or uncomfortable. It’s about choosing to step into that illumination I spoke about earlier and being made by that, even when it’s blinding. I used to think that forgiveness was about making peace with others, about letting go of resentment or anger. But now, I see it’s about that and much more as well. Forgiveness is about making peace with ourselves — with our own limitations, our own mistakes, our own humanness and being vulnerable enough to share that with another. It’s about understanding that we all stumble, we all falter, but that doesn’t define us. What defines us is what we do next. As long as our adherence is still to truth, we can still find our way there as long as we remain open minded. So here I am, Leo, standing in front of you and everyone else, saying this: I choose not to hide. I choose not to shrink away from the discomfort of my own growth and instead I allow these words to define my intent into the future. I choose to confront the narratives that have kept me small, that have kept me from stepping fully into who I am meant to be. This is not a plea for redemption. This is a commitment, a commitment to stop living in the shadows of my own ignorance, to stop letting my ego that grows out of that to dictate my choices. This is about finding the strength to say, "I was wrong," and "I will do better." This is about dedicating myself to a higher standard of truth, not just in words but in action, in how I share my experiences on this forum and learn from others in the continuation of mine and others growth, a journey we’re on together. The path to truth is not always easy, but it is the only path that leads to true freedom. It is the path where we learn to love ourselves not because we are perfect, but because we are willing to grow, to change, to evolve. I know now that to live with integrity means to live without pretence, without the masks that keep us safe but also keep us small. To live with integrity is to say, "I will face myself, all of myself, and I will do so with courage and honesty." And that’s what I’m doing here today. Leo, I respect whatever decision you make regarding my place here. This is not about seeking your favor; this is about making a stand for my own growth, my own evolution. I have been knocked down by my own illusions, but I am choosing to get back up, to dust myself off, and to move forward with clarity and purpose. To truth. To courage. To a life lived in alignment with what is real. My next post will be on alignment and how to get that right using the wealth of my life experiences in this achievement. Briefly, we have many aspects of ourselves that are inter-communicating to forge the solidarity of the intent within us that feels the most consistency as ourselves, kind of like energy centre, so how you may have heard how there’s an intercommunication between the heart, mind and gut within our beings. My goal is to establish a conceptual bridge that I hope to be useable for others and that I hope to speak about from a few different angles, i.e. one that is more experiential, another that is more theoretical. Best wishes and much love to all. - Lastly, attached to each post I would like to share the journal entry (i.e. that preceded it), so that I can begin to more intelligently build cause and effect relationships between what I have expressed and what I have designed. Before I share this entry, as a testament to how I wish every word I express to be counted against my character and that I am fully responsible to each thereto, I have chosen the sacredness by which I hold my surname to be the name that I pen my entries with. "Letho" hails from my grandfather's changing of our previous surname, "Eleftheriou", which means freedom, or less generally, to be philosophers of freedom, of which I wholeheartedly am. My grandfather changed to Letho when he came to Australia from Cyprus because in the early 1900's people really struggled pronouncing our family name and my grandfather was always such a humble guy that never wanted it to be made a big deal out of. To that final end as it concerns coming full circle on my entry above where I said "What does it. mean to have allegiance to the truth?", I can't see any better way to have an allegiance to my own name and therefore truth than to also have that as my way of standing by it with every entry that I make on this forum. JOURNAL TITLE Rainbow Wolf 31st of August When I open up the mind, what truly lives on the other side of it? I can attempt to understand this question when I do comparisons between different people and different parts and contexts of my own life. What does it mean for my own mind to be truly open, surely it means something much greater than merely comparing to a population average that is stagnant and for many demographics, circling a drain? At least in the immediate if not long term sense, it’s frightening to step into this space for me. I can imagine so many permutations of consciousness, and at least one of those behind the veil of this immediacy explain all of the barriers of this present consciousness. I am landlocked inside the limits of my self-understanding of the meta-language of consciousness. There is a level of meta-communication that I yearn to achieve within my own consciousness that would allow me to fully tap into the intelligent movement of information throughout my entire spiritual-biology. I can imagine the mapping of my now consciousness terrain, invert it in different ways and make a study of those inversions as a way of advancing my self study to self-expansion. What is a possible higher consciousness that is my own, a lower one too and how is the present one their balance and what kind of balance is it relative to a hypothesised ultimate scale of consciousness? What if I were a wolf? This pondering makes the endeavour of expanding the openness-intellectual horizons of human consciousness much more commendable, rational and its opposites simultaneously understandable while at same time something we obviously need to prudently avoid, given our likeness. Given our likeness not just to wolves but all beings and creatively, we can find likeness not just in our biology but more so in being encapsulated by the same limitations in consciousness. Ergo the colloquial formation of terms like “Birds of a feather flock together”, “Black sheep of the family”, “Wolf in sheep’s clothing”, “Raging bull”, “(those people are a) bunch of sheep!”. We only very rarely question this likeness as well much less actively attempt to stray from what we could say are evolutionary inroads. Pathways where there exists a predetermination in the movement of the substance of soul consciousness in so much as that consciousness is not accompanied by the power of awareness. This power, as I’ve experienced its expression awakens what we know of as meta-causality and due to its nature, that is, being bound by this abstract object of “power”, self-communication is predicated on the depth of where the edge of that power hits the beginning to end point of that meta-causality. And of course, the awareness that is experienced here is something that is totally taken for granted, often within my own psychological apparatus as I have thus far experienced as well as witness it in others, the surface layer of psychological experience runs much more dominant than the layer of awareness that defines both its pronouncement and through that filter, its change and transformability. This means that not only can we safely separate awareness from the substance of psychological experience, it means that we ethically cannot use our mere sentience as a vehicle for distinguishing our own existential superiority outside of intellectual utility. Unless we are going to discriminate between humans in the same way, of which many demographics actually silently lead with as we of course know, so be prepared to be discriminated against even on this forum, that is an unchanging truth outside of the awareness that creates it. This leads me to bringing up that previous phrase I mentioned here where one needs to learn the art of instead of being the black sheep aim to instead be the “Pink sheep of our Collective Human Family” when it comes to living a life that is as close as possible, aligned with truth, objectivity and maintaining one’s personal integrity as it pertains to continually aligning with the implications of this socially and culturally. “Pink” is where you have to standout, kind of like the pink panther, however pink also represents friendship, affection, harmony, inner peace, compassion, nurturing and approachability. I could say be the “golden sheep”, however there is another surface layer here of psychological experience that of course I want to be tentative when it comes to activating, the human ego, and the myriad of ways I may also unintentionally do that in myself before understanding has preceded action, which is what most often happens when it comes to the human ego. Let me distinguish between four forms of power here that bring balance to the growth of power itself overall across all relevant levels, including the ego, as it concerns the natural release of unhealthy forms of power as well as having the sentience to negotiate the maturation of power via transcending previous levels to higher levels of ego. We have the power of awareness, love, truth and ego, with the first three being protective of the healthy development of number four or to the other side of the spectrum where unhealthy developments in these areas can at the very least serve as potential correlates for explaining dysfunctions in egoic power. Each of these first three are unique access points with their own intelligent abstract “Axis of Intervention” where with the use of the right internal behavioural awareness, agency can meet its intelligent use in the fate of power actualisation, but not without losing some of our “Axis of Cultural Dharma”. “Dharma” is that which is regarded as a universal truth as taught by the Buddha, ‘Cultural Dharma’ then here is the interaction between the perception of truth and a cultural program that upon their intersection, act very analogously to its action of consequences, aka what’s referred to in this tradition as someone’s karma. With every loss of this axis then, we gain in the recomputation of the simulation of reality as it forms in automatic consciousness in the same way as there is a distinct difference between the automatic simulation that’s say generated in a wolf compared to every new animorph evolutionary form it goes through until it reaches the state of achieving the full range of capacities of human consciousness. Returning to the first question I asked, in order to maintain any sanctity of life within myself and the order of my evolutionary motion to greater transcendence I am forced to learn how to experience and maintain an intelligent emotional order on feelings of power and powerlessness simultaneously. Power in the openness and openings of mind, combined too with turning on the rest of the systems of my being including my heart, and too, the terrifying powerlessness I experience in the inflexibility by which I hold those perceptions yet the scaring flexibility by which I do so compared to the population average, and how this stray from the norm teaches me how to stand figuratively naked in front of everyone, even if I am the only one aware that I am doing do. As much as this power extends me to realise frontiers beyond anything that parallels, the vulnerability of standing in the unknown still stretches my experience to being compared to that of an inordinate naivety comparable to that of said above actual wolf that’s suddenly had its awareness transformed to rival that of the greatest, scared of just what its experiences of its own limits could be, as well as, limits its unknowingly imprisoned itself inside, “How have I unknowingly been teaching myself to pace up and down in a new way in a cell I didn’t know I was imprisoning myself inside but could have escaped from if I just honed my consciousness on the Axis of Consciousness Dharma?”. “Axis of Consciousness Dharma” is what I’ve newly coined to describe the symbiotic karmic communication point that follows from the attempt at intelligently intersecting all of the above described axis at their “Axis of Intervention”, where together, its an “Axis of Symbiotic Intervention” that’s simultaneously something that’s built from and destroys one’s karmic path. Imagine you’re building a ladder to the next level of a castle and then upon reaching the next level you kick out the ladder from underneath you. That teaches us the lesson of how we’re forced to accept where we are and to originate creatively with what we have and then to simply let go and embrace the next level upon when we achieve it, never allowing ourselves to slip back into old consciousness patterns, something that is impressed upon consciousness the more intelligence that went into building the ladder of course. I haven’t before lived so seamlessly with this wisdom though in my life, to be so easily preoccupied with dual meta-realisation of the prison I’m unknowingly cementing myself in with each pace. It’s the hidden pitfall of deep thinking that doesn’t even need to edge into rumination in order to be a potential negative, it gives the illusion of deep thought while entraining habits emotional too that shape the creation of a personality that isn’t articulating itself from the perspective of its frontiers, one without awareness on the location of its origination to futuration point, the nexus of space that has hardly any piece of the sociocultural narrative of everyday speech outside the Truman Show that paces back and forth between the limits of its coloured extremes. Coloured wolves encased within sheeps clothing, the necessity of politeness engraved in the automacy of our daily collective social behaviours for if we push the needle of our consciousness just slightly too far beyond that thin red line, fear encases the self-justification of our caution to escape but then from what and to what as well as from what colour? Our auric field is only coloured as our awareness of it and to the degree of our lack of awareness, we are blinded by something else, for we’re always blinded as Plato’s Cave said and how blindingly does the most audacious one blind themselves through their ignorance compared to the one who does so through their cowardice in the experience of their supposed likely in part at least with respect to perspective false knowledge? The pink wolf audaciously moves forward with knowledge in agreement with their environment while never in betrayal to their inner truth. They find their “Axis of Intervention” across all four axis and leverage this in awareness to build the ladder up towards a higher light out of of Plato’s Cave relative to their level of development and maturity of consciousness. They learn how to free themselves from the past while not being unhinged from the wisdom to navigate this material plane, thereby engendering a new equilibrium between the forces that create their experience of consciousness. A new balance where fear instead of becoming something that controls, holds them back and blocks them from experiencing the heights beyond its horizon, instead is able to be used as a leverage point into higher consciousness while still tethered to the rope of wisdom that scaffolds them permanently to the self-insight that now instead of self-justifying fear, self-justifies the exhilitating of its prudent expansion. Teaching higher and higher levels of this leverage point to transform the awareness of false knowledge in consciousness to the transformation of consciousness via the embodiment of the truth of the knowledge that truly expands across the “Axis of Symbiotic Intervention” and through that the courageous losing of the “Axis of Cultural Dharma” into the beginnings of the experiencing of the beauty of the openings of the Lotus Flower of one’s new consciousness possibilities. An opening into the first time experience of channeling a dual self-universe hypnosis that is no longer with the cultural confetti that restricts my own independent self-comprehension of growth and my experience of truth with the divine. A shedding of “cultural karma” being an absolute necessity in the evolution of my own unique partnership with universal meta-realisation. Where “Pink” of wolf here is in the altruism of sharing experience that can add to the consciousness of the collective while encouraging its own independence, for how much better it is to live trying to fly if we know that we are able to be caught by the wisdom of fellow sentiences, as I have been caught in part in by my creativisatiom of Plato, the best of cinematic visions, Buddhism, Leo’s work obviously and more. So as much as there shouldn’t be any outsourcing between ourselves and the divine at the energetic level, intellectually, we rely on and often only push ourselves to mirror the least acceptable limits, however if we can cherish the nurturing of our divine connection, we also have a much better chance of cherishing the discernment of our own limits thus growing what would otherwise be a point of negational socialisation, like the conditioning of fear, instead too be a leverage point for self-determined creativisation we learn to manifest, create and reign in our own nature across unknown terrains in our conversations with the divine. Thereby bringing balance between the internal and external, social and intra-social, we bring balance to the release of unhealthy rigid anti-culture into instead the living out of the continued healthy co-creation of culture by coming at it from a place of peace, understanding and actualisation of our beings rather than something wended to program one another to believe in order to call ourselves a certain culture that isn’t predicated upon ideas that have survived the wilderness of our deepest sentience. In consolidating this integration and revitalisation into embracing the unknown depths of being, let me contemplate the patterns of consciousness that align with what I’m coining in light of the above as the “Axis of Integration” vs the “Axis of Disintegration”. “Axis of Integration” vs the “Axis of Disintegration”. Positive vs negative stimuli The automacy of the stimulation of stimuli is increasingly either positive or negative, regardless, there is a momentum in some direction and awareness on this feedback loop needs to translate into lessons that feed the intelligence of my intent, thereby channeling a higher intentful awareness. Being is charged by and in return charges the experience of consciousness through that medium of spiritual exchange between the perception of stimulus and the internal structure and function that regulates and evolves from it. Regulation: Bodily awareness. Where am I experiencing the interaction? What is the relationship between the psychism of the mind and the experiences that are being created in the feedback loop with the stimuli? More precision, where do I feel it in my heart, mind, gut and the rest of my body? Establish increasingly more precision and accuracy in describing this across all energy centres with good measurement on the interaction to feed awareness for the betterment of my ongoing evolution. In feeding the loop of higher integration, we have better differentiated categories, more precision in their sensory definition and greater accuracy in learning trials towards redefining towards a more enlightened positive. To its inverse, at the worse end we have self-justifying ego which becomes an expert at self-justifying its negativity. Positive/negative stimuli is to positive vs negative experience As above, increase the sophistication of my self-understanding of how the energy moves within my being and always and only see it as my own responsibility to continually empower the path towards my greater self-regulation and personal agency. I have spent far too much of my life separating soul consciousness from an examination and development of agency over the regulation of energy within my being and one of the consequences of that involved simply accepting the fete of whatever energetic frequency my being harboured whether it was depression or otherwise due to socially reinforced ignorance. I have now of course learned through my training that I have exponentially more power than I previously believed over my energetic frequency and it was just a public ignorance I allowed to perpetuate itself in every corner of my drive for self-understanding that explains my own just, clownish attempts really at carrying out a transcendent human experience. That’s where the fear is of course as well that I described earlier, the knowledge that I could have so much authorship over my own being is somewhat frightening for the parts of my ego that have spent so much of my life not having this power. And so, invisibly it negates my training that leads to this self-fulfilling freedom, a freedom that I alone create. It feels partly scary that I could create that for myself without ever having anyone else that I know of at least that exists to guide me in that achievement, to also do so when the mainstream thought on this runs so contrary to this level of self-actualisation in many ways, leading to a feeling of slight awkwardness in recognising how much further along my own self-understandings are in the nature of energetic being and our power to self-author our state with proper training. Rigid Linear Conventional Consciousness Stanzas versus Flexible Dynamic Creative Consciousness Stanzas Imagine the moment of any one experience of consciousness as analogous to reflecting the stanza of a poem. There are millions upon millions of stanzas, all attempting to encapsulate and generate a unique state of consciousness, in some way. Every state of consciousness is able to be poetically encapsulated, and this encapsulation is either something that is going to run along the lines of the left or right hand dichotomy. Utilise the energetic weight of this stanza, to meta-causally inform the next stanza and then through their further meta-realisation, I need to learn to practice this art of of constructive redefinition that follows the natural motion of consciousness to its next stage of transcendence. Realising the intelligence of this dichotomy really makes me see just how restrictively I’ve lived my own awareness. If I imagine reality as a world of millions of interconnecting dreams, I allowed too much my own dream to change based on the dreams of my sociocultural external, again I return to “Axis of Cultural Dharma”, however this is an even deeper layer there where I can see it act on me much more biographically rather than just seeing it via the stereotypical lens of cultural conditioning. I spent so much of my own life not only not knowing how to even look at my own dream without being energetically enmeshed in that external, I had no idea how to look at my own pursuits through the lens of owning them myself. At an unconscious level, I allowed other dreamers to influence how I created my own, which when viewed upon in this thought experiment of just imagining all of us asleep, it seems entirely absurd to allow anyone to have any senseless influence over the creativity of our dream. And this is where we simultaneously make sense of Cultural Dharma and the relationship between our sense of self and the influence of social objects, aka introjects, which superimpose themselves onto our self and therefore our dream creating inclinations, wrapping us in the mirror projective permanence of their energetic entanglement with our psyche. Which seems scary at first, but that’s only when its behaviour reflective on a foundation of Rigid Linear Conventional Consciousness Stanzas compared to utilising awarenesses energetic appraisal of consciousnesses intercommunication here as a leverage point into further opening into greater Flexible Dynamic Creative Consciousness Stanzas. Coupled here then, the practicing of identifying psychological schemas, introjects and projections as a leverage point for reshaping identity via this progressively fluid meta-realisation. The Pink Wolf to now, the Rainbow Wolf Behind the hidden veil of the earlier noted fear that’s arguably attempting to cloak itself in its agreeableness with the environment via gentlemanliness, aka the symbolic meaning of the use of “Pink” here where it pairs with “Wolf” as it concerns having the graduations of one’s consciousness out-string and out-stanza the most unshackled aspects of one’s intrinsic nature, is shame. Outside of my own intrinsic evaluation and that I hold myself to, I’ve been conditioned to simultaneously shame and bastardise my own animalistic nature and fit it through a dogmatically thin paper tube that’s appetizable to the surrounding constraining cultural norms, in doing so, there’s an unbridled recklessness that via this intercultural suppression, has no choice but to find explosion relative to the lack of awareness that's neither fortified by the wisdom that would guide this more maturely, something the lessons of the last 12+ months have really forcefully taught me to grow out of and into the next phase of development in my maturity. This dichotomy between the "Pink Wolf" and the "Rainbow wolf" visibly speaks as well to the limits of black and white thinking and how energetic contextualisations allow me expansion points into domains of consciousness that spread far beyond the limits of the initial confinements that lived prior to my awareness. Black and white thinking can be bindings of many kinds, from being too animalistic to too intellectual, both are traps however both must intelligently meet in the middle in order to truly transcend to the next level of growth. “Rainbow” is to the multicoloration of multidimensionality at every level of being and its bridging via the scope of interconnection. In my experience of viewing someone angry, quite often the person is totally encompassed by this expression, their inability to bring context to this encompassment being a reflection of the rigid inflexibility and lack of dynamic creative consciousness, as such they can often only experience one of a few different colours and if they are multicoloured it is only across different intervals. For example, the movement of anger to sadness to isolation to depression is just one of many alternate possible patterns. However the key of understanding here is that most are not able to become meta-aware enough that they can co-exist simultaneously in all of these states and leverage this awareness towards a positive internal good as the knowledge and intelligence of each is communicated back and fourth to all as opposed to being landlocked inside the rigidity of their linearity, as I know, having once being bound by the limits of this level of development once before. Awareness Bound Valuation on Intents is the Predetermination of Value Driven Beliefs Value Determination. Firstly, what needs to be recognised is that the changeability of my own beliefs on anything in the moment is entirely solely predetermined by the span of intents that I am able to hold in awareness and no less than this. To this end then, by the structure and function of my perception of my awareness so too is that the sword by which life will be seen or unseen by me and the depth by which I see, can experience and learn from this life. It is thus also then directly here where I can draw a line in the sand and say this is precisely where I can say a philosophy is either for life and thus reflective of what any purpose for life would be or it is instead reflective of a subconscious that is, in that moment, unconscious of how it instead has a life philosophy that worships death, however unknowingly.

Yes, just train hard. It's true that doing bulking and cutting cycles as Leo said is optimal, but it's not required at all to get to intermediate levels. There are studies showing how beginners can literally build muscle and lose fat at the same time. The more advanced you are though, and the harder this is. But once you get there you'll decide what to do. TRAIN HARD! Possible objections: Without following a diet you can't gain muscle or lose fat. BS. False. Stimulus -> Adaptation. If you train hard, you'll get adaptations for a LONG TIME before diet becomes a problem. I built 15kg of muscle just eating to maintain my weight (I gained weight over time as I started with low bodyfat anyway). No diet. Many athletes get to top levels just through training, with shitty diets. You have to gain fat to put on muscle. False. If you put on fat you'll also gain muscle at optimal rates. But with a maintenance diet the muscle gain rate will just be a bit slower. As I said, I put on 15kg of muscle without ever bulking or cutting. 15kg is a complete transformation of your body. Even 3kg is noticeable. Lifetime drug free, just training hard. Here's your hierarchy of concerns. No sense to go to the next level if you're not willing to do the previous ones. Go to the gym Train hard Train harder Train harder! Refine diet Need to get the priorities of muscle building straight here. Not every tool has the same influence.

Alright… what a week… hehe… where to even begin… well let’s just say I think I have a better idea of where I am right now… at this moment. I think I’m rushing into the romantic life… I don’t think that’s where we are right now. And I’m interested in building a relationship, but more on the friendship and professional side of things. It’s funny because I mentioned this to him and he said that the romantic and vulnerable side is something that comes easy for him.. but I don’t feel romance coming from him. I’m not even sure if I see the vulnerability either. I see the honesty and I see him being friendly and we even had a hot make out sessions… however, the “romance” isn’t what I feel right now… I feel distance. I mean I thought I was going to have to seduce him because he’s friendly with everyone and so I thought he was just being friendly with me and was surprised when he started the make out session with me. I mean I had a lot of fun and it was very exciting… but ultimately I think he’s keeping me a secret… which makes sense since we’re new to one another… but how romantic and vulnerable is a secret… hehe… so what was I learning this week? I saw that it’s still a challenge for me to balance work and rest… I found myself alone at the farmhouse for a few days and I had a project that I could work on… and I got hooked into it. There are six rooms here at the farmhouse for the staff and I patched holes and repainted the rooms. I am also challenged when I’m around so much activity. When there are many people who are at the house… it’s hard for my mind to stay focused. I find when I go to the library which is a separate home on the property I can take a bath and have silence…. It feels really good to have stillness and I wanted to take advantage of that much more than I did. I got fixated into the project… and I do this at times especially when I’m working on artwork. I get so deep into the project that I don’t eat or sleep… and I got into that zone… I wanted to finish the rooms and stayed longer to do this… also to have more time to spend with him since he was traveling quite a bit. We actually spoke about things we get fixated on and I mentioned this… and then I saw myself doing it. And there was a day that I didn’t eat when I was alone… and I kept waking up early to continue the project.. I’d do the other projects with the group and in the afternoon… but I was doing quite a bit and I just like to get things done and once I start a project I’d like to finish it. So… I finally asked to take a half day off to rest a bit and also I knew I wasn’t taking care of my hygiene and so I wanted to pamper myself… and we had a slow start to the day… and then we ended up hanging out by going shopping and the young staff member is learning how to drive so we let her practice on the country roads… it was fun… but also I was tired and wanted to get a few projects that I wanted to complete and then again… pamper and rest… however, by being part of the community I was able to eventually but not in the pace I would have chosen if I was by myself. I’d like to figure out how to be in this type of space but also being in a more free form of movement of activity… there are some schedules that seems to get me to pressure myself instead of just going with the flow. I understand that this is something I’m working on but I”m wondering how much I’m going to bend? I also noticed that the guests that were visiting seemed to draw my attention far more than anticipated. I was very interesting… I’m very into hospitality… world class hospitality… and this isn’t a strong concern for this hostel it seems… it’s almost as if this community doesn’t engage much with guests. They will have dinner with them and have gratitude circle with them before dinner… and if they are around for our morning head and heart then the guests can participate… which are great moments to introduce guests to the community life style. But I hear comments about not really our responsibility to entertain the guests… which again at the time I appreciated however… the guests were really interesting and I couldn’t stop myself from hanging out with them and wanting to know more… and three of the six guests I ended up exchange contact information. And I can see myself hanging out with them more than the people at the hostel… interesting… it seems like the guests were far more interested in getting to know who I am as well… it felt good… and even felt like I was finding more community with the guests than with the hostel family… I mean I’m gaining community in both areas really… but I am finding myself getting into the nurturing mode with the hostel community… I want to clean and organize and work a lot… there’s a lot of projects going on and the winter it closes… so I wanted to make things progress at an efficient rate. Most of the staff is warn out at the end of the season so I can come in with fresh energy to help in this area… and I see the appreciation… but there seems to be a little space between us. We’re getting closer but it still feels like there’s a gap… and I wasn’t feeling like that with the guests. The first guest that really caught my eye was a woman around my age who recently became homeless by leaving her boyfriend. I didn’t ask her permission to talk about all the things.. but let’s just say in the first half hour she mentioned “llamas”, “peacocks”, and “ayahuasca” without me telling anything about myself…. Hehe… I was like what the hell… ok… well let’s get to know her. And she’s an amazing woman and I do want to get to know her more… but she deeply needed to rest and ground herself. And so she wanted to contribute but she paid to be a guest so I told her to take this time to relax and rest.. and ground… and she did and she felt so much better when she left. We went roller skating together and it was fun… I hadn’t skated for years now and it was rough start… but it was fun to see her in her element. Next time I hang out with her I’ll see if I can say more about our conversations… But I had a feeling and so did she that we were attracted to meet one another here and now… and she’s been doing her spiritual work… of course there’s areas she’s not ready to address… but she’ll get there. There’s another couple who is here for their anniversary… and I really clicked with them. I didn’t get their permission either but I just want to mention that I ended up teaching them how to dance with each other and they absolutely loved it.. and so did I… they did really great and the woman said she had two left feet and admitted it was all in her head… and she did wonderfully.. he was really good from the start… they’re great! They hold festivals in their front yard in an area in Indy which is known for live music and local artists… so we spoke a lot about this. I told them that I’d love to help them find sponsors for their event in June… and supposed to start asking businesses in January when they get their money for the year and they can allocated it for donations… and I said I’d love to learn how to do this… and they’re just learning as well… so they said yes they’d love that. They also said they’d love for me to be the mc for the festival… I said we’ll see… I’m good at performing and entertaining… I’m not afraid to speak to big crowds… but I”m really good at the back of the house type of things… and that’s what I’d like to learn too. I actually performed a song I was working on… I recently said that I want my mindset to change to being a musician instead of wanting to learn music more… there are some breakthrough moments with music and instruments for me… and so I’m just going to keep attracting more of these moments… It was fun to play and sing for them… But yeah… they’ll be leaving tomorrow and so will I… so I’m looking forward to seeing them before we all head out. Such a sweet couple! Alright who am I kidding… I want to get to my reaction to how I was responding to my potential romantic interest… I did get his permission to speak about what has gone down with us as long as I don’t link him… so where do I begin? So I already said that I told him that I’d like to have conversations with him to get to know him more… and we do but not really… in this environment… it doesn’t allow privacy and I”m not sure he wants to have privacy with me right now anyway. We did have one night of privacy without staff members which is why we had our sexual play encounter.. but again I didn’t know it was going to happen. He is very affectionate with all the people. So there wasn’t any indication that his affection towards me was any different than the affection he shares with someone else. Is this what he considers romantic? I feel like it’s just his nature… I didn’t see it as romantic… when I think of romance that it’s something that seems to be a bit extra than normal conduct. Only when we were by ourselves did there become something extra… and I’m not sure if that was romantic either. It was sexy, but not romantic… I mean in a way it had a romantic flare to it… because he was extremely patient and wasn’t rushing any of our time together… but his confidence was sexy and I know I loved what was going on… but I was a bit surprised and I did feel like I was holding back a little… I’m not sure if it’s because it’s just such a new thing.. or if it’s because we really haven’t had much time together to get to know one another still.. and so there’s a connection.. but not the type of connection I want to be romantic. But again I was loving what he was doing and it was sexy… and of course I have these feelings for him and so I didn’t want to stop what we were doing and wanted to see where it was going to lead. Most of the time I wasn’t thinking of the destination which was good… but I did find myself starting to think about it the closer we got to possible intercourse… again in my head I was wondering if I was going to go for the penetration or not… well… long story short… I did allow him to penetrate me…and even then I didn’t know that’s where it was going because the entire time we were playing and so I thought it was just going to continue… hehe… but all of a sudden we were there and I enjoyed it and I don’t feel bad about it.. but I started to ask if this is really what I wanted to do at the moment? There was a moment that I thought I was just going to break it off with him because he’s not really ready to take anything serious with me… and I asked him to pound my pussy so hard that it’s raw so she can get out some wild expression and be satisfied for awhile because who knows when I’ll have sex again… hehe… I told him that I found some scarves for props and let’s just see where it goes and we can focus on just being friends and business team… and he didn’t want to at the hostel and asked me to come to his house instead after the weekend. I am not available… I’ve been gone for a week and I want to get back to my cat and also find some rest that I haven’t been able to find successfully here at the hostel. But again… that’s the only time he invited me to his home… if we are going to be engaging in sexual play… it’s not like he’s asked me on a date… yeah… we aren’t dating right now… hehe… and so yes I”m rushing all of this. And it doesn’t seem like I’m putting him in a good light… but he’s very sweet and charismatic and an all-around great guy… but I’m just wondering why I was getting all these messages about him… hehe… what really is there about him that is making me want to explore him more? Right now I feel like his heart is unavailable… and my heart wants to explore this… but the make out session we didn’t even stay in the same bed… and I hear his voice in the morning in my dreams… I guess that’s a way to say it… I wasn’t really dreaming about him.. I just heard his voice come out and it sounded like, “slow down sib”… and I was like sib? Maybe it was sis? Anyway… it was him saying slow down… or it was me saying it regardless.. it was saying I was rushing things.. and it was too late to slow down on having sex with him. But yes… right now I want to slow down and even almost halt with going forward romantically. I thought originally that I was going to be coming down the Friday after Thanksgiving… but I think I’m going to wait until the following weekend after the hostel is closed. The current manager is having a dinner party and he wants to play the Chicken game which is the sexual group play. I want to bring my girl friend down to check out the hostel and she’s interested in playing this game.. so maybe I’ll just come for that event instead of spending an entire week here again. Plus I’m not sure who is all going to be involved.. but yeah… I want to play around and get attention that isn’t so secretive… and I’m not ready to have sex again and so I just want to have sexual play with people who just want to have fun with everyone. So that sounds more of where I am right now. I know that’s two weeks away but at this moment that’s what I”m tentatively planning for. I’ve got a diversity drum circle event tomorrow that I’m excited about. There’s several cultures who will be demonstrating their dance, drumming, outfits, and instruments… and I’ve done this a few times now and I enjoy myself fully when I’m there… so I’m looking forward to participating and hoping to get a lot of video footage… they’re going to want me to participate and I’m hoping I can find a balance to do both. There are going to be drummers there that I want to speak with… I’m hoping to join drum circles again. The drum troupe I was playing with the last time I was here is having practice on Tuesday next week and so I’ll go and see them too which I’m looking forward to playing with them and visiting with them again… great people! I’m also wanting to figure out when I’m going to visit the guy who is an app builder who I want to ask questions about the difference between the capabilities of a website to an app… and he’s wanting to have a conversation to see if he can help. But there is a conversation I ended up having with the romantic interest that I want to mention real quick… I’ve been trying to tell him that I’ve crossed over into the Awakening… he isn’t understanding what I’m saying and I”m trying to make it plain as day… and I think I finally got through to him but of course he doesn’t believe me. Which again is understandable… but it was a good conversation and I said i’t’s not fair that I want to be so expressive and upfront with him… when normally I would take my time and see where he’s at before blabbing everything out. But I also was thinking about how someone would feel when hearing this… well I can understand that holy shit this chick is crazy… but what if they actually question… what if she’s telling the truth? What would go through their minds if they ask that question… should that make a difference? Ideally I’d think it shouldn’t however I feel like there is a quite a bit of difference though. I’m not sure what all I can express at this time… because I have gotten messages to not express my dreams at this time… and to hold off and so I’m guessing that’s with this forum and to anyone at this time… I just give bits and pieces and not the entire scope. lol… not that I can get to the entire scope… I thought of a way to explain it but I think it’s to drastic for most to handle and I’d just have negative energy against my visions that I should just keep to myself and express things that people can find digestible. But when it comes to a partner I want to have… what would it be like for them? What was I thinking when I was telling him this and thoughts afterwards? I was telling him there’s going to be huge changes.. and I have a feeling that monetary growth is going to be a part of this.. and I wonder why do I want a partner who would want to be engaged with me romantically before this happens? Why do I want to make sure that the monetary concerns isn’t a part of the relationship that is such a factor to make or break us… In my mind… if we don’t connect or start to connect deeply romantically before than there’s something in my mind that will question the intentions behind motivations. I mean… messages are changing and more strong lately… but it always seems this way too… but it does seem to be noticeable changing and deepening… and I’m almost to the point of allowing my higher self checkmating me. No one will get this reference unless you’ve been reading from the beginning… but I know that eventually I want my higher self to check mate me… and instead of my higher self just doing it immediately… it slowly allows me to set myself up to be in the position of… yes I’m ready for transformation… I”m ready to receive and I’m ready to fly. It’s getting late and I’m trying to bullet my thoughts so I can give a bit of context of what went down… and so I do want to mention that I was helping store and inventory of the event equipment here.. and it looks like that have enough for around 140 people… he said that they had a 200 guest wedding there and so I was thinking about my 25 year reunion this year… and I think it would be a fun idea to have an adult summer camp for the reunion. I just started thinking about this maybe with the past 30 hours.. but I was thinking that I could probably talk to my high school and see what I can do to rent a few buses for the event. Our hometown is three hours away and I think it would be cool to get people back into the vibe of school days by taking a bus down to the hostel… even though I don’t drink… I was thinking of having a party bus feel but not crazy partying because i don’t really want to encourage sloppy drunkenness… I’m going to see how to legally do this.. but my bus driver actually had a son who graduated with me… and I think I’d talk to her and see if she has someone else she would refer to hire as the bus drivers for the event and invite them to join in on the festivities… I loved her and she’d have a blast. I’m not sure if I’m going to allow a family event or adults only… I might even have one day for family and one for adults? I’m not sure.. but there are quite a bit of activities around this hostel and I think it would be a blast dropping of a bus of adults to different places and people could possibly have one drink an hour type of thing… again they can drink but not excessively and also say that we will ask them to leave the event if it gets out of hand. I’m going to encourage not to bring your own alcohol.. but I’d like to pay for everything.. we’ll see if that’s what happens but I would love for everyone to come… they helped shaped our character and I appreciate all of them and they all played a role…and I’d love to celebrate and party with them. I gave them options of where to go last time for our 15 year, but this time I’m just going to tell him that we’re going to go here… and then there are choices of what activities they want to participate in… it’s fun here at the hostel.. but yeah there’s diverse activities around as well. I thought maybe I’d have a bus that would only stay one night in case people cannot stay the entire time… but I’d love to have the entire weekend with everyone and limit the vehicles that are on property… I want it to be whatever happens will stay there… and really see if we can relax and enjoy everyone’s company…. I’m really getting excited to plan this event out for everyone in our class. I think the summer would be the best time to take advantage of the clay lagoon which is clothing optional… and the buses should be more available since it’s not during school sessions. So anyway I just wanted to mention this so I don’t forget and be able to build on this… I’m wanting to send out a message soon to the class to give them a heads up that the plans are starting… and give them some dates to choose from so people have what six months to plan in advance and able to get time off and/or watch the kids. But yes… I’m exhausted and cannot wait to melt when I get back home with Elvis… so I’m going to wrap this up… until next time… enjoy and have a great night… by the way I’m surprised I didn’t go into detail about the sex play…hehe… it was very fun… but I guess it’s something I don’t want to share… hmmm

You chase your own shadow, @Reciprocality. In your endless return to the self, there is no rest, no closure, at least from the outside looking in that's how my observational awareness experiences you. Let me continue in answering my own questions towards you above and you can correct my own brief analysis. Each abstraction is experienced as unfoldment and contractive folding towards truth process but not a end in itself. It's light for lights sake and therefore self justifying but ultimately circling back into itself, with no true conclusion. It’s not about progression, is it? Not about becoming something more which gives me a different angle by which I can expand my own consciousness at least vicariously, but about being in the moment, the moment where thought loses itself in thought, where questions only give rise to more questions yes? Or is there a more nuanced perceptual action to experience to observation to creation you can give more nuance to in your subjective experience of life? It’s not a means to an end, as there's self-excitation like purposeless joy in music and it's creation but music with no resolve other than to find the next verse with an irreconcilable chorus with an identity that never stays completely the same and certainly never completely solid, it's solidarity in the motions of consciousness not in its concrete immovability outside rigour in process. The tree doesn't care for the sun’s arrival, it simply receives it. Your inquiries are like that, that is they're without purpose beyond the unfolding itself. You are the process, not the result. Growth? It’s a byproduct, not a goal. It’s just how the system works when it’s in motion. The sun will rise tomorrow, but you won’t be any different for it just of it, and "Whatever the fuck with it" is your voice in knowing you will just continue on with the same process. It’s easy to mistake this for the absence of meaning, but people would be shortsighted to do so. The meaning is in the pattern, in the experience of transformation of the pattern rather than being a permanent parking place in an eventually outdated carpark oce you've gone now to something akin to an advanced UFO not as a goal but as a process of simply rising in the morning with the sun and experiencing the right process with the sun. You’re not running from something, you’re choosing to remain in motion. So, I ask you this: If the endless pursuit is the only thing you value, then why bother looking for meaning beyond that if this is rivjt? Your chase is its own reward, is it not? But perhaps I’m missing something. What do you think?

When the left try to engineer societal transformation through institutional power, cultural policing, and moral absolutism, they create more toxic soil than fertile ground for lotus flowers. Power blinds those who have it, and their abuses of it. I see very little self-reflection (self actualization anyone?) among leftist Democrats. The left’s problem isn’t their ability to dissect Trump - it’s their inability to see why they keep losing to him - to dissect themselves. They’re like a boxer who’s perfected the jab but keeps getting knocked out because they don’t see the hooks coming. Power is like water to a fish – when you're swimming in it, you stop noticing it's there. That's why the establishment can't understand why people are "voting against their interests." They can't see how their own overreach, their own abuse of power, their own suffocating orthodoxy might feel to people who have to live under it. Real discernment would mean being able to see the whole picture – not just Trump's failures, but the system's failures. Not just the flaws in others thinking, but the fatal flaws in their own. Analyzing micro aggressions and individual failings is narrow band discernment, not wide band discernment of institutional systemic failings that commit macro aggressions on the populace within its borders and beyond in the form of foreign policy. That's the real tragedy here: The people who pride themselves on their ability to spot fascism in others have become blind to the authoritarian impulses in themselves or within their own “side”. The establishment left wield immense power - cultural, institutional, and bureaucratic. It's pervasive and stretches from academia to social media, from corporations to mainstream entertainers. They cancel, censor, lecture, and condescend. They wield moral superiority like a hammer, dismissing dissent as ignorant or bigoted. They can get someone memory holed from the internet and destroy careers with a hashtag. They can turn the entire media apparatus into a synchronized chorus singing whatever tune serves the establishment. When the right put their efforts into alternative media - the left cry about it calling for more censorship of misinformation. It’s the same reason on a macro geopolitical level - BRICS is forming an alternate financial system parallel to the Western system - because the West abuses and weaponises it through sanctions and seizure of assets - utterly suffocating multipolarity just like how the establishment suffocate domestic political plurality - causing utter polarity as a result! Trump’s flaws are obvious to anyone who cares to look - his lies, his ego, his opportunism. But to many he’s not just a man - he’s a battering ram against a system they feel failed them. On some level, people view a individual or a group of them as more nimble and agile, able to change - rather than a behemoth of an establishment. Its easier to turn around a dinghy than a titanic. This gives them hope, and they're willing to bet on it, even if it means the dinghy may be turning towards a ocean without a shore - for the status quo titanic they are currently on feels like its bound for a iceberg. The establishment are so drunk on their own power that they can't see how they're manufacturing their own opposition. They're like a person setting fire to their own house while complaining about the smell of smoke. Trump isn't their problem – he's a symptom of their problem. He's what happens when you convince half the country that they're deplorable, and then act surprised when they embrace it. Trump isn't winning because he's strong. He's winning because the liberal establishment has become everything they claim to oppose – authoritarian lite, elitist, and completely disconnected from the people they performatively champion. The establishment NCP's are too busy polishing their pronouns and perfecting their cancellation techniques to notice they've become exactly what they claim to hate. The people who control the message keep losing to the message they can't control thanks to alternative media.

Why RFK is a a spiritually conscious choice. 1. Commitment to Environmental Justice Kennedy’s decades-long advocacy for the environment, particularly as an attorney for organizations like the Natural Resources Defense Council (NRDC) and Waterkeeper Alliance, reflects a deep connection to the Earth and a commitment to protecting its sacred resources. His fight against corporate pollution can be seen as an effort to honor the interconnectedness of all life—a key tenet of many spiritual traditions. 2. Defense of the Marginalized His work often focuses on defending vulnerable communities affected by environmental degradation or health crises. This demonstrates compassion and a sense of duty to uplift the powerless, akin to spiritual figures who prioritize serving others. 3. Advocacy for Personal Freedom and Truth Kennedy has emphasized the importance of personal autonomy, particularly in health and wellness, which aligns with spiritual teachings about empowerment, self-realization, and living in harmony with one's truth. 4. Connection to a Legacy of Service As a member of the Kennedy family, Robert Kennedy, Jr. inherits a legacy of public service and sacrifice for the greater good. His efforts to continue this legacy suggest a deep alignment with values of service, justice, and altruism. 5. Resilience Through Adversity Kennedy has faced personal tragedies, including the assassination of his father and uncle, as well as public and personal challenges. His ability to persist and channel these experiences into meaningful work speaks to spiritual resilience and transformation. 6. Respect for Indigenous Wisdom His environmental work often intersects with advocating for indigenous rights, honoring traditional ecological knowledge, and respecting the spiritual practices of Native communities. 7. Emphasis on Wholeness and Balance Kennedy's rhetoric often includes themes of harmony—between humanity and nature, and between individual rights and societal needs. This reflects a spiritual outlook that values balance and interconnectedness. 8. Deep Reverence for the Natural World His environmentalism stems from what seems to be a spiritual reverence for the beauty and sanctity of nature, which he frequently references in speeches and writings. 9. Courage to Speak Against the Mainstream Kennedy’s willingness to challenge mainstream narratives, even at personal or professional cost, suggests a commitment to higher principles over societal approval—a hallmark of spiritual leadership. 10. Faith in Redemption and Healing His personal story includes struggles with addiction and recovery, which he has publicly acknowledged. His journey of healing reflects spiritual themes of redemption, self-awareness, and renewal.

I'm not an expert on this topic, but I believe I have a reasonable opinion on this topic. Method Acting is basically a real life character transformation. You don't put the costume down and go back to normal life, you become the character and live life as them. The purpose is to transcend acting, and for it to be authentically "YOU." The cost can be to high as Heath Ledger for example is thought to have killed himself because of the psychological toll it took to become the Joker. With that said I think a better term to refer to Method Acting would be Authentic Acting. Also the person in the following video doesn't realize, that the best Natural Actors.....aren't acting. That is the power of Authenticity at work. When someone really places themselves in a role and BECOME IT, it's not fake. So to me these are just fake distinctions, the goal is Authenticity they just needed different approaches to reach the same result.

During my last acid trip, I was watching one of Leo's videos, and he started transforming into an alien. The less uncomfortable I felt with his transformation, the more it seemed like he was speaking directly to me—almost as if I was tuning into the right frequency. Who knows if it's related

@Salvijus This is so not true that it feels like he is intentionally being dishonest, especially with his every turtle comment. Do you believe what he said? Like honestly? What do you think farm animals eat? Sunshine and good vibes? They eat those same crops. In fact, I believe it is a commonly known fact in the vegan community (although I don't have any numbers on hand) that most of the crops we grow are grown for animal consumption. This is the reason Amazon rainforest is cut in brazil for example, to grow crops to feed the cows. Buy refusing to eat animals you also significantly reduce the amount of crops we need to grow, which reduces all this collateral damage a lot. It's much more energy efficient to eat plants yourself then to have an animal eat it -> produce meat -> eat the meat. If I had to guess, probably 90% of energy and resources is wasted on this food transformation. ... And the hunting argument is just really stupid. Sorry, but it's really stupid. He must feel really cool and special hunting with bow and arrow. But only because he is not a very bright person. If he was at least a little bit smarter, he would realise that hunting is not sustainable at all. And I don't mean it in the generic "sustainability" term. It is literally physically not sustainable. If everyone who eats factory farmed meat decided to stop and go hunt their food instead, it would have been a catastrophe. We would have run out of things to hunt in a month probably. While also destroying whatever forests, wild places, and ecosystems we have left, completely ruined. Imagine there is suddenly 8 billion people running around forests and parks, driving cars, camping, shitting, littering, shooting guns, trying to kill whatever they see. It is ridiculous for a grown man to make this argument. And he somehow seems to be really proud of it, like he is better than others, lol. What he should do is shut up and feel super grateful for being privileged enough to be able to afford going out on regular hunting trips. 99% of people could never even do that, simply for financial reasons.

Used the Help of Claude to ask where it can be applied: # Applications of Spiral Dynamics Model ## 1. Organizational Development - **Change Management** - Assessing organizational culture's current value system - Designing transition strategies aligned with different value levels - Creating communication strategies that resonate with various value memes - **Leadership Development** - Training leaders to recognize and adapt to different value systems - Developing flexible leadership styles for diverse teams - Building inclusive organizational cultures ## 2. Education and Learning - **Curriculum Design** - Tailoring educational content to students' developmental stages - Creating learning pathways that accommodate different value systems - Developing assessment methods that recognize diverse worldviews - **Teacher Training** - Equipping educators to recognize different developmental stages - Providing tools for differentiated instruction - Building cultural competency in educational settings ## 3. Social and Political Analysis - **Policy Development** - Understanding voter behavior and political preferences - Designing policies that address multiple value systems - Creating inclusive social programs - **Conflict Resolution** - Mediating between groups with different value systems - Developing compromise solutions - Building bridges between disparate worldviews ## 4. Personal Development - **Individual Growth** - Self-assessment and understanding - Career planning and development - Relationship building and communication - **Coaching and Counseling** - Personal transformation work - Life transition support - Value system evolution guidance ## 5. Marketing and Communication - **Market Segmentation** - Understanding consumer values and motivations - Developing targeted messaging strategies - Creating resonant brand identities - **Product Development** - Designing products for different value levels - Innovation aligned with evolutionary stages - Service design for diverse audiences ## 6. Healthcare - **Patient Care** - Tailoring treatment approaches - Improving doctor-patient communication - Developing culturally sensitive care protocols - **Public Health** - Designing health campaigns - Creating behavior change programs - Developing community health initiatives ## 7. Environmental Conservation - **Sustainability Initiatives** - Designing eco-friendly programs - Creating environmental awareness campaigns - Developing conservation strategies - **Climate Change Communication** - Tailoring messages to different value systems - Building consensus across worldviews - Motivating environmental action ## 8. International Development - **Cross-Cultural Projects** - Understanding local value systems - Designing appropriate interventions - Building sustainable development programs - **Aid Programs** - Cultural sensitivity in implementation - Stakeholder engagement strategies - Program sustainability planning ## Implementation Guidelines ### Key Principles 1. Recognize that all levels are necessary and valuable 2. Avoid judgment of different value systems 3. Match communication to the target audience's level 4. Allow for natural evolution of values 5. Consider cultural and contextual factors ### Success Factors 1. Regular assessment of value systems 2. Flexible adaptation of approaches 3. Inclusive design of solutions 4. Continuous monitoring and adjustment 5. Stakeholder engagement at all levels ### Common Pitfalls to Avoid 1. Forcing evolution too quickly 2. Ignoring existing value systems 3. One-size-fits-all approaches 4. Cultural insensitivity 5. Rigid implementation strategies Where it can be misused or exploited? # Potential Misuses and Exploitation of Spiral Dynamics Model ## 1. Hierarchical Discrimination ### Manifestations - Using the model to justify social or organizational hierarchies - Claiming certain groups are "more evolved" than others - Creating discriminatory policies based on perceived value levels ### Impact - Reinforcement of existing social inequalities - Workplace discrimination - Cultural supremacy narratives ## 2. Manipulation in Marketing and Politics ### Exploitation Techniques - Targeting fears and insecurities associated with different value systems - Using value system analysis to exploit psychological vulnerabilities - Creating artificial divisions between groups ### Examples - Political campaigns exploiting value-based fears - Marketing strategies that manipulate developmental insecurities - Social media manipulation based on value system profiles ## 3. Cultural Imperialism ### Problematic Applications - Forcing "advanced" value systems on traditional societies - Dismissing indigenous knowledge systems - Using the model to justify cultural intervention ### Consequences - Destruction of cultural heritage - Loss of traditional wisdom - Societal destabilization ## 4. Corporate Exploitation ### Misuse Patterns - Using the model to justify exploitative management practices - Manipulating employee development programs - Creating toxic competitive environments ### Risks - Employee psychological harm - Organizational culture damage - Reduced workplace diversity ## 5. Educational Malpractice ### Dangerous Applications - Labeling and limiting students based on perceived levels - Creating discriminatory tracking systems - Ignoring individual learning needs ### Effects - Educational inequality - Student psychological damage - Limited development opportunities ## 6. Therapeutic Misapplication ### Harmful Practices - Forcing rapid development without readiness - Ignoring individual psychological needs - Using the model to justify harmful interventions ### Consequences - Psychological trauma - Developmental regression - Treatment resistance ## 7. Social Engineering ### Manipulation Techniques - Forced social change programs - Community manipulation - Value system suppression ### Impact - Social cohesion damage - Community trust erosion - Cultural identity loss ## 8. Religious and Spiritual Exploitation ### Misuse Forms - Cult-like applications - Spiritual superiority claims - Manipulation of belief systems ### Consequences - Psychological manipulation - Faith exploitation - Community division ## Warning Signs of Misuse ### In Organizations 1. Rigid hierarchical structures based on "development levels" 2. Discriminatory promotion practices 3. Toxic competition between groups 4. Forced conformity to specific value systems ### In Education 1. Student labeling and tracking 2. Development pressure 3. Cultural insensitivity 4. Limited learning pathways ### In Society 1. Social engineering programs 2. Cultural suppression 3. Discriminatory policies 4. Exploitation of vulnerable groups ## Prevention Strategies ### Ethical Guidelines 1. Respect for all value systems 2. Recognition of cultural diversity 3. Individual development pace respect 4. Cultural sensitivity requirements ### Implementation Safeguards 1. Regular ethical reviews 2. Diverse stakeholder involvement 3. Cultural impact assessments 4. Individual choice protection ### Monitoring and Accountability 1. Regular assessment of applications 2. Feedback mechanisms 3. Independent oversight 4. Transparent reporting systems

Ok… so I just got off a video chat with a friend I met in a karaoke bar in Utah… It was funny because our group entered the bar and was showing our IDs and he was on stage singing “Creep” by Radiohead… he was doing a fabulous job and I thought right away if I do a duet tonight i’m going to ask if he’ll join me. And that’s exactly what I did… I approached him and his friend and we all went to the patio so I could smoke while we got to know one another. I was asking him if he knew the song “Crusin’ Together” by Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow… holy crap.. I was going to help my dad outside real quick and I was so excited I jumped to type… hehe… I’ll be back.. Alright… I’m back… and I’m so excited to write about my ideas but also there’s a part of me that’s wondering how much should I be sharing… I’m trying to gather a team to start working on the building website sites and application and cyber security side of things… I’m just wondering if someone has the means if they’d want to go ahead and do it before we get the chance? I mean I was looking at some of these places that deal with volunteers and they aren’t going to approach it the way I’d like to approach it… so even if I tell everyone my ideas… it’s not like I would want to compete with anyone… I’d probably ask to collaborate together… the more people taking a look at this from different angles is exactly what I would love to have happen to try to create something more holistically than one person’s view. So… let’s just give it a go. So back to the story… he did not know that song but he said he’d give it his best attempt…. He never sings songs without practicing but with my enthusiasm… he’s going to give it a try and we had fun attempting our first duet together…. We met up again at the temple to have a chat and that’s when I found out he was in the cyber security field. We spoke about many things but I didn’t ask his permission to discuss personal details so I’ll have to do that some other time maybe. But I think I mentioned a few days back that my girl friend who was a ballroom instructor with me wants to do cyber security and I gave her his information, but she hadn’t reached out yet. So I apologized to him that she got distracted and might be a little shy because she wishes she knew the answers she’s going to ask him. I told him I have a project that I want to start where I want people to be completely vulnerable with themselves and everyone who would have access to their information.. If we have cyber security in mind from the get go this might help people feel more comfortable doing this… and since I want to be as intentional as possible I’m going to see how much I can push them out of their comfort zones… this is where the real magic is… but also I would like this to be a recommendation or referral program to where we see the pros and cons of each person… but also see how they are developing… What I would describe myself ten years ago is not the same as I would describe myself now… and people’s opinions have changed I’m sure as well… and honestly I’m not a people pleaser anymore so it might be presumed I’m not as nice anymore but really I respect myself more and value myself and energy… but these things might not have the chance to be recognized from a brief encounter… so anyway… he told me his credentials of over twenty years experience…and his list includes working with Stanford University, Facebook on a global security project and NASA… I was like holy shit ok… I’m glad I’m talking to you about this then… seems like you know your shit… hehe… but I wasn’t really prepared… i was babbling and we happened to be free so we did a video chat… but I’m going to send him an email that will give him more information about what I’m looking to start and what questions I have for him. I know that when I say I want people to give their information I was hoping somehow this could help people from around the world to travel to different countries so recruiting volunteers or communities could be possible and help them get their visas to travel.. and when they’re in a new country how to get SIM cards, transportation… just make it as simple as we can. So I thought… let’s go journal about it and see if I can get better paragraphs out to him instead of my rambling chaotic manner i write. Hehe… this reminds me of the conversation I had with my potential romantic interests I had earlie… well hell might as well get that off my chest too. So I’ll keep it brief as I can because I didn’t get his permission to spill the details but I’ll definitely express my side of things but again not in too much detail…. Hehe I’ll try my best too. So I was in a state of limbo right now… After seven years of not being in a relationship in person mostly with a imaginary idea of an Australian man who I’d been having messages for the four years with … he’s not imaginary but the ideal of him was imaginary… he wasn’t reciprocating mutual feelings except at the beginning and he was not a safe space to express my feeling to and pretty much he thought I needed to see a psychiatrist because I was expressing my feeling for him honestly. I wasn’t really ready to jump all in and so I was holding onto something that would actually help me stay celibate and learn to love and respect myself and not to mention focus to be in the Awakening… so thank you for that.. but now I’m ready to go all in full blown vulnerability and expressing my crazy to see whom I might attract. Well.. my body was communicating that there seems to be a gentleman I reconnected with after five years. I only knew him for about a week visiting his hostel and the rest has been random FB posts that we’d see… His posts were attracting my attention and so before I arrived to Indiana I planned to visit with him. This is a broken record but I don’t know how much context I need to be including before I just go with it… I can’t find a way to find anything I’ve been able to say on here without having to go through all of it… so I figured if people don’t want to read through all of my entries.. I can give a little summary. So long story short my body was showing me how extremely unusual I am when I am speaking to him specifically because of an attraction that seems to be far more deeper than I’ve had with anyone else I had spoken with in person. So… I fumbled and bumbled around with words but I got it out to him that I was attracted to him more than friendship or business partnership… what I didn’t know when I told him this is that he was going through a breakup with one of his current partners… they had been together for over a year and none of us were prepared for the attraction and even though I’d like to explore this with him.. he needs time to process his feelings. He doesn’t really know me from Eve… and so we also have the work trade volunteer boss relationship going too. So I’m going to help tomorrow but I wanted to clarify to him that even though I enjoy contributing to his community the main reason I’m going is to hopefully get a chance to have some conversations with him.. real conversation and prefer more on the private side. I know he’s going through a break up so I want to give him space to do what he needs to do… I still need more time to clear out my energies to allow myself to receive him fully so I understand but excited as well. But I went ahead and gave it a go to see how he would handle my crazy… to wrap it up quickly I’ll just say… we had actual back and forth conversations… I’d write out well thought out communication and he would reciprocate with his well thought out communication. I was vulnerable enough to share my crazy and he didn’t think I was psychotic and needed to go speak to a therapist… in fact he’s looking for a “truly transformative, soul-entangling intimacy/sexuality/romance”… and I said well… you just found one… hello there… it’s nice to finally meet you… I’ve been searching for you too… we chuckled over our conversation but he also said he just needs his solitude to figure his mess out right now but he notices the chemistry, finds me wildly attractive and easy to be around… and anyone he finds who has goals towards spirituality, karma, and big picture lifestyles he’s intersted in connect with… so I’m very satisfied at this time because he clearly communicated his needs at this time and I was able to do the same. I’ve got this project on my mind right now.. so I can focus on that and see if and when we give this a shot. So… the project… geesh… again I feel like I have to give context because damn it I’ve been talking about this for a long time now but I don’t remember what all I disclosed and again it’s not like I can say go to this topic in my conversations because this isn’t setup like that. So I guess I’ll just have to begin as if you don’t know what I had said in the past. So I’m an Enlightenment shaman who is following her guidance from the Universe. I’ve been intentionally working on removing attachment to labels that keep me in a human mind set instead of Universal mindset. We are the Universe waiting to realize this within ourselves. This is the path we’e always been on and many are ready to Realize this… I mean you’re on actualized.org forum page… I think you know what Leo’s all about… well I am too… and I’m hoping you are too. I do have messages on how to assist in people to get to the Awakening through preparation and deconstruction, Ayahuasca and ceremonies, but mostly through the integration work. But this hasn’t been my true calling… My messages are what happens after we Awaken? So I’m not worried about people being able to Awaken… this is already happening… it’s just going through the process of Awakening for the last three years… I’m very fresh to what all I have been doing to process this transformation… it was necessary for me and I’m grateful I’ve been preparing myself to allow the freedom and time to process. So yes… I’m planning on people Awakening when we’re ready to… but also ready to arrange things to allow the aftermath of Awakening… I cannot assume it’s going to be the same, but I have found tools and locations that might be helpful to assist in this time we’ll find ourselves in. It’s happening and I’m excited and we’re all doing our thing… and this is my thing I’m working with the Universe on… at this stage it’s a system to network communities and volunteers. In the bigger picture I’d like to establish this as a nonprofit so people over the world can travel easier with having borders they have to cross… not that the religous nonprofit will automatically do this, but right now that seems to be the easiest way for international travelers coming from third world countries. We are the Universe… we can learn and benefit from anyone at anytime anywhere… as long as we are intentional and at higher degrees of consciousness. So… people who are going to be involved with this system will agree to be on this mindset of growth and expansion for themselves and the collective. This is where the idea switches away from what I see is out there right now. My thinking is I don’t want everyone to be able to create an account, login, and not be involved actively. Of course I don’t want to remove this population… but also I want to encourage stepping out of our comfort zones and engage… this is where the juice is… and so there will probably be a limit of stagnancy built in where if someone hasn’t logged in for a long duration… then they’re account will be removed. I’m not sure how to get people to not have several accounts either.. especially since this is going to be a transparent community and if they start getting what could be considered negative marks… they might want to give up on the original account to start a new one… but this is about growth not perfection… so what if we get negative marks on us… we don’t want to run and hide and make things up… we want to own our current state of character and be inspired and motivated to make changes to mature and elevate our conscious levels. I’m not sure how to do this thing while trying to keep the energies cleared and not crowded with toxic people creating drama because they’re bored and want attention. I was thinking there’s going to be referral program… again where people can’t just sign up freely… they have to earn credibility somehow… I think this has been a concept in this Forum and I see why the attempt and I’m not afraid to attempt it again. Not only do i want to maintain credibility to individuals but also to communities who want to be involved. Yesterday I said I don’t want to assume a community is conscious enough to host intentional volunteers so I didn’t want to promote them… but maybe there’s a referral system but also maintain a level of credibility to stay an option for intentional volunteers. I’ve been wanting nonprofits to work together why not communities too? If we aren’t familiar with a particular area we’re struggling with… why not network with our community to get answers, workshops, and volunteers to get the challenge addressed and find multiple solutions and start to go through them until we’re satisfied with our results. If we are tearing down structures or digging dirt or have extra llama hair and dung… why not let other communities know that there’s excess of something we have and if someone wants to use these supplies it’s available. Transportation would also be something I’d like to include to make it easier to go from one community to another. Again how do we use what’s already in the play and collaborate together… extend and connect the communities that are already in existence but want to intentionally work together and learn… I feel many of us are ready for this… and those who are not… are not being forced to.. in fact I hope they’re not attracted to our system… just to cause problems. Geesh I don’t like to assume any of this.. but it was shocking when I came onto this forum and was reading some of the posts… and I too live in a world where some of us are not ready to trust and share… but those who are ready… why not make it easier to find one another. We’re out here… we’re doing the work… we’re looking for more of us… and we’re attracting one another… can this be an additional tool to use? I think I can give this more thought and see if I can start reaching out to my known network of friends and family… and see if we can start creating brainstorming events to give feedback and also make it happen. this is where I’m at… and I have the energy and time to dive into more… but not at this exact moment… hehe… I’m hungry and my eyes are hurting a bit… I’m doing some digital art and I think I want to go play around some more for this evening… it’s very relaxing and I want to leave early tomorrow. Ok.. this is good for now.. until next… enjoy ourselves

Love is for certain the most profound and misunderstood force in existence, and it is by no means limited to desire or to comfort. Rather, it is the will of the totality in action - the magnetism that guides all things unstoppably toward unity, healing, and the escape from suffering. Love is the premise underlying creation, a natural impulse towards fullness and wholeness, and an overwhelming energy of transformation that allows the universe slowly yet steadily to evolve and rise beyond violence, pain, and division. The suffering and cruelty that we witness, as horrifying as they can be, are as far as can be from demonstrations of this love. They are distortions of life, reflections of a universe caught in a stubborn belief in separateness from the ultimate. However, love remains undiminished as the universal drive and unrelenting imperative that guides one and all towards snapping out of this wild story. It is the power moving internally to first recognize suffering, next to handle it, and ultimately to transcend it. In this relative realm we inhabit - this manifestation of forms, where we experience both the light and the darkness - love is the innate impulse that calls us back to oneness and transcendence, even as we confront pain and conflict. The existence of suffering cannot nullify love; instead, it hastens a movement towards liberation from suffering, a path that love will support. Love, in short, isn’t merely accepting or rationalizing every experience as “good.” Rather, love is the lavishly supplied fuel that works to transcend incidents of harm, so as to heal, and to restore all things to their highest expression. One day, this movement will extinguish the need for the relative realm’s cycle of suffering altogether. Until then, love is the relentless call toward freedom, growth, and the deep peace that lies beyond separation and fear. So, while it’s undeniable that not every experience here reflects love directly, it’s also true that every movement towards wholeness, kindness, and healing towards this is love manifesting its truth. And thus know well, all ye who enter, the dark draws dim with the end ever more nigh.

It actually isn't. I was challenging the self-conviction we often build up with our "knowledge" of the absolute, which is just a form of ignorance. Breakthrough is what solves this problem. We unquestioningly adopt hearsay as if it were a personal experience. "The tea is hot; everyone else says so. Surely, the authorities on the subject must be right." And yet, we make this claim without ever truly tasting the tea ourselves, perhaps a sip here and there. Suffering must be tackled on its own, as it is a result of activities and of your mind. Measurement requires something there to be measured. To put it poetically, nothing cannot be measured in any way, or even "approached." That above is one type of conflating I’m pointing to. The way you cook omelets (self and life) will generally stay much the same—unless it is a profound shift, which is uncommon. What awakening does is reveal what is already the case. Much work has to occur on your part for healing, transformation, mastery, to happen, which aren't "provided" by a couple of kenshos. It sounds like what you are describing is self-transformation. To be clear, I'm not talking about an ideal state, or complete enlightenment--I'm talking about you, right there, grasping your nature. The experience of this is different from what we imagine about it.

THC works well. Going to bed at around the same time each day works well. Earplugs work well. I work all nights, wear earplugs, go to bed between 4-7AM every day, and sleep like a baby. If this is something you can't force yourself to do, wear earplugs, then accept the fact you will hear noises potentially, especially during the day. 25 MG of Delta 9 in edible form before bed works very well, but admittedly using drugs as a crutch isn't the best idea long term, but as far as drugs go THC is about as harmless as they come. If you do want to try earplugs, these are the most comfortable ones I have come across... https://www.amazon.com/3M-Earplugs-Hearing-Conservation-311-1250/dp/B008MCULZW Even without earplugs I'm blessed with quiet, considerate neighbors. If you are renting with inconsiderate neighbors, consider moving units. Life is not worth dealing with loud, inconsiderate neighbors. Part of the struggles of living with higher populations with more people renting is the construction quality of the units combined with people enjoying dog ownership often leads to excessive noise and lack of privacy. Mental attitude also matters. If I can't sleep I don't ruminate over it, I use the time to practice mindful meditation and count it as sleep. If you struggle "trying" to fall asleep you will just make yourself miserable. Any time you struggle against "what is" will create unnecessary suffering in your life, like the people here have done since Trump won, as an example. However, my ability to do this still has limits. If I had insufferable neighbors, I would have to move. Back when I had more severe general anxiety disorder, I had insomnia. It was a sympathetic dominant nervous system. As my parasympathetic, ventral vagal response increases gradually, my sleep has returned. Going to bed at the same time every day is a healthy habit to have, or waking up at the same time, but it's the mental attitude while awake that has made the most difference. Acceptance of what is, peace of mind, willingness to roll with the punches, mindful observation of emotions instead of letting them hijack my responses, manning up and being less of a man-child with a victim mindset... the transformation has been remarkable.

None of that is true, it is getting your nature as it is. And you're taking about something else. People like Nisargadatta and Chogyam Trungpa had addictions and neuroses, they didn't master their mind. Some enlightened warrior throughout history likely killed people. Jesus apparently had anger management issues. Realizing your nature isn't mutually inclusive of healing, transformation or mind mastery, but it can facilitate those pursuits, I've heard.

Its a teaching of course, do I have actual experience of it, No, but we are all sharing theory here, like I said, this is not Spirituality or anything of the sort, we are talking theorizing around it, any response from anyone is basically that, their truth when expressed is just a story or theory for me and you..But via the story we can become inspired to know ourselves.. Admitting I do not Know is critical in the beginning, as via admitting not Knowing, your Natural Intelligence opens up and starts to seek to know. So Seeking is needed in the beginning, if no seeking happens, then no transformation can begin, unless Your karmic substance is that You are basically already there via previous realizations, like Ramana Marashi, he was already there, didn't need to do much Sadhana or anything, most of us are not like this...

Yeah I guess if we get that detailed that would be a good categorisation 👍 Is not that is less or more valid, is more like what we want to 'aim' for in this work. I understand when people engage in this conversations is because they are looking for well being and transformation to a higher possibility of existence. @Princess Arabia But maybe I am asking too much because recently today in other topic someone called me narcissistic for aligning Enlightenment with ending suffering 🤣 We are getting to that point of distortion that is not just Joy or Pleasure, forget Bliss or Ecstasy, you tell them Peace and they do not think that is even possible. They have concluded life is a mountain of ups and downs so I they have reduced spirituality as a gossip exercise to distract themselves. Because of course, anyone that seeks to know how to conduce the human in a conscious and well being manner, is narcissistic according to them...😳

Good morning… so interesting I was just finding myself doing a physical purge is something minor but it’s a sign for me and I”ve found myself doing this quite often lately… it sounds maybe a bit odd.. but it’s belching or burping… I wasn’t going to start this session with this but literally when I was signing in and scrolling to get to this session to write I was doing this and this is something subtle but it does communicate to me… and for me by participating in Aya ceremonies… I’ve noticed the many ways of purging and this is one of them… to me it’s allowing space and room for me to release the old and open to experience the new… so I guess I wanted to mention this. So when I started with so interesting at the start of this… I wasn’t going to say anything about burping but that’s what I wrote… what I was going to say was interesting is that I fell asleep shortly after my post last night which was fairly early in the night and I slept until I woke up at 2:22am in the morning… I used the restroom and my dad was getting ready for bed… and I thought maybe I was just wanting time to be awake and be the only one to be awake in the house for some solitude in an essence… I thought maybe this is the time I can dive into deciphering the notes from the weekend… but I found myself coming to this forum and I started to read my first entries when I began this Journal. Gosh I didn’t remember who quickly I got into exposing myself with areas of trauma that I had when I was younger… but I was reading and I felt like I was getting tired again… so I went back to sleep and while I was sleeping I started to get some insights of where I can explore my attempt to express why my body is recognizing something.. my body is recognizing safe space… and trust is something to look into more as well. So.. how do I begin? So I was reading about the events I had when I was a child and there were inappropriate engagements that I shared with older relatives… there was one who restrained me and overpowered me when I didn’t want to be with him. I’m sure this is something that has been subconsciously assisting me of not fully trusting people. However much I have a desire to find safe spaces… I have so many stipulations that mind has that doubts or suspects foul play behind people’s intention.. Geesh when I write this out it sounds like it’s so extreme but that’s not how I perceive it… for the most time I do not feel like this but I think specifically when it comes to exploring and expressing my sexuality… this is where I haven’t felt a safe space before. Again wanting to have this was always a mind chatter of wondering if this is a safe opportunity… but if feels right now… that my mind wasn’t really ready to understand what a safe space is… it’s my body who seems to feel like it has more understanding… these are not separate and they work together… but to explain this it makes more sense to split it up… my body seems to be stepping up with clear communication that is more evident to notice… while if I kept it as a mind masturbation… it would be the same old thing… so yes Realities communication seems to be clearer and I’m so grateful I’ve become open enough to receive these communications. Not only was I feeling like there’s an opportunity for a safe space for my sexuality… but at the fire circle… again… there was a safe space for me to surrender and express myself through the drum and voice… I’ve been looking for safe space… and I’ve found it. And I’m excited to see what my potential will be when I have a safe space… holy shit I feel like I’m going to transform drastically and exponentially right onto my path with a much deeper confidence and trust in myself not only the Universe… again which isn’t separated but there’s a humanness that seems to be addressed. There’s a human side to me that needs deeper understanding before it can transition in these areas as Universal love. Hehe… if anyone starts to read this Journal near the end there’s a lot of context that is missing when I’m typing… Enlightenment exploration is what I do and how I try to explain the benefits of transitioning from human to Universal mindsets… when our identity switches… we communicate with the Universe in a manner where messages are being given in massively diverse ways… but once it clicks that this is guidance… there’s no hesitation of oh… when am I going to start working on this? It’s like ok… thank you there is something I’m going to work on now.. and the benefits of working on what’s stopping us from moving forward with authenticity is far more desirable then waiting… I no this is challenging for me to explain… but that’s why my rambling goes through this process… there’s in between the lines that communicates as much as direct words that are coming out. We’ve got to be using our intuition and intelligence to gather the data and gain the understanding. I’m working on figuring out how to speak with clarity and conciseness that I’m heading towards… but this is the process and I’m learning through the process. And even though I said that it seems like we don’t want to wait to go through the lessons but I’ve been getting messages to prepare me to work in this area… so it wasn’t quite immediate… but I guess it’s been patient for me to prepare myself to make these changes… and it’s clearing up room to allow me to be ready to be ready… and I guess once I realize all of the factors that are in alignment… and then I realize… ok I’m ready to do this. So… yes it excites me to see what has challenged me in the past… I’m so much more confident that it’s not going to be as challenging as I think it is… I’m ok with challenge because it’s so worth it to get into it and see the benefits of the results of facing the challenge and embodying the results that are gained through facing… so yes… I enjoy the communication and relationship with the Universe… I’m so blessed to have reached this state of union… it’s what I’ve always desired but didn’t know until I was in it. We’re in it folks… we just don’t realize it until we do… and to do so we have to make commitments to be more intentional in all areas of our life. Ok… let’s get back to safe space and trust. Let’s go into trust real quick… it’s a bit funny but I’ve always been on the side of trusting in my life however I didn’t realize the balance of finding a safe space to really be able to trust. What am I saying? Let’s just bring up the Australian man again… I had gotten so many messages about him and I cannot express how much I trust the Universe and when I was receiving these messages I’ve been demonstrating to the Universe just how much I trust it by overcoming fears.. and when I notice areas of fear I want to explore and discover so the fear can dissolve.. or at least reduced… so we shared intimacy when we met and we met through Aya ceremonies where safe space was present… we were able to be vulnerable and explore and express in this safe space… but when we found ourselves out of the safe space… things changed. I wanted to continue the vulnerability and exploration to continue… my communication didn’t change, but for him… it was different when he returned back to the real world… his communication changed and his opinion of me changed as well. When I went to visit him there were details that he was expressing that he’s not ready to be vulnerable right now.. he was going through a divorce and even though we wanted to see and visit with one another… there was a wall up… and yes safe space wasn’t present but I wanted to trust and still went through the motions that I needed to to get the experience to learn from. But holy shit… I continued to trust because I continued to receive messages… and I’d try to reach out and express with my heart and I didn’t really realize he wasn’t able to create safe space for me. I know I felt this but I wanted to trust that the Universe is wanting me to engage with him… but the Universe was also telling me to be patient and wait… and I felt like I was doing this… but I’ve gain so many insights while I was dealing with him. And it’s to the point where his energy is not needed in my energy right now… I’m moving forward towards growth and if I continue to try to hold on.. that’s going to prevent me from growth… and I desire growth far more than a human. Finally the Universe was able to communicate to my thick skull that it’s time to cut the cord between us. Getting to a point of understanding that I trust the Universe completely and trust it will guide me through the unknown… and I trust myself to be able to walk the steps necessary for my human to learn through experience. I rarely opened up to expressing my romantic side to him… I knew he was not ready for that however we’ve been in our relationship for seven years.. so I thought we’d be able to get to a point where we could talk more deeply… but that wasn’t the case… and I’m not going to wait for him to be ready… in fact I’m ok to remove him and see who and what the Universe wants me to experience. That’s why I think again I was tearing up… tearing up and crying doesn’t come easy but it’s starting to flow much easier than the past… but the Universe knows my deepest desires.. and even though I know this is a deep desire I have… I get in the way and the Universe wants me to allow myself to experience the best and I’m just so thankful that it’s never given up on me… The Universe never gives up on us and knows our deepest desires and wants us to experience these desires… but it also understands the complexity we’ve woven around our hearts to be able to be ready to allow this bliss to enter our lives… I trust the Universe… I’ve been able to trust myself which in turn allows me to trust “others” which again in a way doesn’t exist.. but most people I’m speaking with right now are humans so the concept of others is a thing… so I was thinking about my current romantic interest now… He has been a safe space right from the get go… but of course my mind was not certain… it’s doing it’s thing of observing and contemplating… again.. there’s a desire for safe space to open up freely but again… my mind thinks it’s going to take time for observation before determining through thought to discern whether its a safe space or not… and just to let you know… it’s not like I knew I was looking for a safe space… hehe.. I’m satisfied being with my own energy and even though I want to find “other’ energies to connect and bond with… I’m not desperate and very picky and more patient. I’m noticing that I too have one foot out the door to escape if I feel the need to… and that’s what I’m understanding again by noticing that my body is speaking louder than my thought right now. It’s recognizing something that it wants the mind to understand… when I speak with the man I see that I want to be as honestly expressive than most… it’s hard to explain because I do this on the regular but I also know see there’s a deeper degree that can be embodied and its drawing me into a deep desire to explore right here and right now. My body recognized he is a safe space… I wonder how similar we are to each other when it comes to this… I wonder if he also found himself wanting to trust and find safe space to move into deeper levels of expression. To me from the brief observation that he seems to be well on his way of doing this comfortably and easily… like I was say might be something people perceive of me… but he admits that there is a messiness that he knows he wants to address and so maybe he hasn’t felt that safe space to explore depths to these degrees that we intuitive know exists but finding the combination of divine timing of preparing ourselves to be ready to be ready to open and surrender deeper. I want to be that safe space for him. But he says it’s hard for him to trust and so I understand there’s going to be a process of building this trust. And again… maybe he hasn’t had the loud communication of his body speaking to him like I have… and so maybe I can assume his mind and thoughts are what is speaking to him which makes him want to question everything and as hopefully he wants to be… doubt creeps in and it speaks strongly to carefully maneuver in the Reality in these areas… if this is the case then I completely understand. I’ve been slowly trying to interject to him that I’m not wanting to have a foot out the door right now. I want to keep both doors in… I’m wanting to completely surrender to getting to know one another and see how much growth we can find by committing to explore and surrender depths to allow benefits we don’t understand at this point but intuitively want to experience. I want to have both feet in but there’s also a side of me that is wanting him to know that there is a purpose that I’m involved in that involves universal connections… global connections is how I explain for a human to understand… I’m telling him I can give him a year which might be interpreted differently than what I’m trying to say. I am motivated to move in my purpose that’s universal… there’s something quite profound and grand that I’m involved with and I want this to be understood. Why I am saying a year I can give right now is because… I have a calling that will take me away from Indiana… from the States… into lands I haven’t known as this human body. But the quality of intention isn’t understood right away. I continue to walk with intention at all times. An example from the weekend would be when one of the guests gives readings using his crystals… I noticed people were sitting in the same room and when it was my turn I didn’t want to be difficult or rude.. I like everyone who was present.. but I didn’t want this experience to be public. I wanted it to be far more intimate… I wanted to remove ourselves from possible distractions… I wanted to focus and get myself to ground and receive… we moved into an area where no one present…and he commented on how he loves to see how intentional I am with this reading.. and it makes me chuckle because yes… I understand that the Universe communicates in many ways and if the Universe intentionally becomes intentional then clarity of communication arises… and sometimes not.. but again this is something subtle but sharing time together its understood… removing distractions allows intention as well… declutterring activities that surround the situation… I’m moving back to the moments we shared on the couch… even though I know I gained understanding by sharing this with him and everyone else in the space… but I also gained an understanding that where I am right now… I desire privacy and not a public display. And it wasn’t like anyone was watching us as if they were the audience to see what our interaction was going to lead to… but again I didn’t want to express myself in this environment. As much as I enjoyed enjoying the touching we shared… I was distracted with activities and I felt I couldn’t explore my intentions as deeply as I would like to. I mean this doesn’t automatically assume that when we are alone that I’ll be open either.. hehe… I just don’t know how things are going to play out. But I also don’t know if he has a desire to spend quality alone time with me either… but again I don’t think he knows whether he wants to either. We don’t know one another… and there’s a woman who came into his life expressing at surprised attraction towards him… he maybe wondering why? Maybe he’s wondering if I have alternative reasons? But I also noticed that he didn’t automatically close the door on me either. And I think being able to be around each other’s energy he was communicating that he’s willing to take some baby steps to see if there is a connection or attraction between us. But yes… he’s got a lot on his plate not only all the hostel stuff but his heart is occupied in dealing heavy feelings. I’m not in a rush… there’s nowhere I want to be right now except right here and right now. What I desire is to be intentionally present with him to build strength in trust. I feel there’s something far deeper than just romantic depths… that’s just the cherry on top… and if we find romantically isn’t where we connect or bond… then that’s fine as well… I see us partnering up far longer than the year I am committing to. I feel this year will allow an honest and realistic understanding of where we are and how we work together in multiple aspects of our lives. Many may think that a year isn’t that long of time…but holy shit it can be a life time of experience when living with intention. There’s been transformation from the year I spent in Utah and Colorado which was a year… but again there was an element of missing the feeling of a safe space… I can imagine that having a year of intent, trust, and safe space will again be the perfect combination from tangible growth that won’t be as subtle as in the past. When I say I want to be here for a year… doesn’t mean thats where it will end… in fact I want it to be the beginning of our journey together… allowing us the time and space to get to understand one another… if it goes even a hint of what I’m feeling and intuiting… we’ll want to choose to spend time together outside of Indiana to help support one another. I feel I can gain so many benefits to support him and his empire he’s been creating and it’s amazing and impressive… I’d love to dive deeper into his creative mind and be an assistant to allow him to remember to self-care and clear energies that linger and unnecessary… Even though I would love to support him, I’m also not wanting to lose my empire I am wanting as well… I know this is unshakable and I won’t forget but also communicating that I’m not wishy-washy about my purpose… but people want me to explain it through words and that’s challenging but hopefully I’ll find the words soon… or really when it comes it will come and until then I can express my passion for purpose can be understood by spending time with me. I don’t really know at this point but I have an intuitive nudge that this man has been working towards transitioning from human mind to Universal mind… and that’s where my line of work comes into play… I hope that through my support with his visions for a year will allow him to understand why he might want to support my vision as well… which isn’t excluding him… it’s going to be showing him the potentials that he might not have imagined quite yet… he’s brilliant and creative and has been manifesting larger than what an average human thinks is possible…and I have a feeling he’s confident to give back more to the larger community collective… I’ve made commitments in my purpose that has allowed me to move freely between communities learning about detachment which is not void of unconditional love.. but in my understanding that I’m willing to make sacrifices to create a connected whole ultimately… but my idea of sacrifice continues to mature and I don’t need to sacrifice to degrees where I don’t allow myself to enjoy opportunities I want to explore. I’m over whipping myself to be motivated and disciplined… these are things I am and graceful to the degrees I allow at different times when I fluctuate. Learning to dance to the art of Reality is becoming more masterful… and strategy is looking for that point of a degree of impetuous… I do care but I want to go all in because I recognize the potential results. And I have a feeling it’s far more that what I can imagine at this time but what I’m imagining it’s going to be worth it! And damn it I’m worth it too! I’ve been working to get to this point and I’m grateful how much doubt is clearing away… So again it seems like sex is a main focus right now and I don’t want it to be such a focal point but it’s an area that I’ve been setting on the side so yeah it’s now become important for me to address.. it’s been waiting to be addressed and now I see an opportunity. So in this environment there seems to be many who are involved who are open to sexual play. And they are not shy in their expression but very respectful. I’m sure they can smell it on me… that curiosity of exploration… I think they witnessed moments of raw honesty of bliss with ones that I’ve found to surrender and express…usually when it was in smaller groups that’s where I’m comfortable right now. This is reminding me of a message exchange with one of the guests during the weekend.. she was so sweet and expressive of how she appreciated meeting me and sharing time together… I’ll share the screenshot of part of the conversation. But I bond with people in smaller groups and with time to bond and express… that’s something I’ve noticed with this man the founder… I was able to build bonds with the guests and staff more than I could with him because of time shared… as much as I would like to go right now and share time with him… his attention is on work related issues… and again I’m wondering if he’s more attracted to dealing with me because of what I can help with his work? And I know I can help with him in his work… but I want to get to know him personally outside of work context. I don’t want to piece together who this man is through other peoples interpretations and stories of him… I want to go directly to the source and have my own experiences to create the picture through our shared time together. I feel he wants this balance and is taking tangible steps to create the opportunities to find the balance. I trust he’s already doing what he needs to to realize it for himself. And I also realize that there’s a part of me who wants to prove my worthiness. What have I been doing to make me think this? So… I’m very excited to be meeting the people I’ve been getting introduced to specifically at the hostel. I mean I’ve spent half my time there so they are the ones I’m getting interested in and I enjoyed myself. I notice that in a group setting I’m not as expressive but I also found amazing in depth conversations and bonding when it was one to one and smaller groups.. and those few have a better understanding of who I am because it was the space and time I needed to share myself openly. But again I didn’t get to everyone.. it was only over the weekend which didn’t allow time for me to get to everyone and I know people are attracted to one another and so I’ve been wanting to keep in touch with these people. So how do I show them a part of me that I wasn’t able to express through words? I love to make these video clips of a story I lived and I do this already but it was one way to demonstrate that hey… I’m worthy to get to know better… see… I’m creative and I don’t actually put a lot of effort into these videos… but I’m going to be more intentional in the quality but there is still a degree of intention at play but this will mature… and then I was inspired to create storytelling artwork to capture the event through digital art.. which again is something I haven’t really had the time to explore much but I have a degree of confidence in art that it can be presented with some degree of approval… another subtle way of worthiness through creativity… but then there was another event with more people who I want to get to know and also the case I didn’t get to everyone personally but desire to make arrangements to have that alone time to understand one another more… but I was a note taker… and I placed the timeline of getting the information out in a timely manner that again was a way to demonstrate my worthiness as an allí for this next year and also wanting to get a piece of art out during the honeymoon phase… but I’m rushing the process… I mean I like the artwork but it’s not really at the point that I’m like ok.. .this is why I’m trying this out… and I am concerned that this honeymoon phase is a short lived time period… why? I feel like I’m half assing things because of this perceived timeline I’ve place us on. I’m worthy and damn it if no one wants to find that out then why am I giving so much effort to prove my worthiness? And how many people am I trying to prove to? Again… it’s like what I dealt with in art in general… I hated when i was doing art when I was thinking what does the audience want from me? Let me brainstorm what they want… when I transitioned to not caring what they want and focus on what i want… it’s much more satisfying and fulfilling to approach art this way… and that applies now… and it also applies to showing my worthiness to the people I’ve met. It applies to my romantic interest as well… what does he want so I can prove my worthiness to get to know me better? I mean it’s easy to have the enthusiasm to help with projects around the hostel which can show my worthiness to be a part of the hostel… but there’s far more that I can help with than labor. I’m just used to showing worthiness through labor and results and efficiency. But I’m more sensitive now and I’ve found myself exhausted. And I’m getting messages that my role is changing.. and I’m not sure exactly what that means… but I have a degree of understanding that labor isn’t all that I’m good at… and labor is a very tangible degree to determine worthiness and a blunt way to notice… but I work in the subtleties… and I’d much rather follow what I want to do at each moment without pressuring myself of what i should do to show my worthiness… I’m trying to figure out how to weed out people who are not aligned with me at this time. I’m trying to maintain my energies and wanting to focus energy towards my purpose which encompasses many facets… but I’ve been thinking about temples… I thought that staying in one place limits the potential of ready people to find one another… but that isn’t the case. I found many amazing people by being at a temple… it was attracting the people together and we were recognizing one another… and so my original thoughts of me having to go and travel to find the people… that’s not always the case… many people I’m looking for are in areas that don’t allow the opportunity and freedom for international travel so I know I’ll be going to them… but right now I’m feeling of grounding my roots for awhile… and allowing the opportunity for people to find me. when I come to Indiana especially there are so many amazing people that I hope are ready to move forward to Universal mind… so I have lists of people I want to go and visit and spend time with… but I want to focus my energies… and I don’t know when people are ready… I just know I”m ready to expand.. and why don’t I see who gets attracted to the location I’m at? I mean I’ve always been impressed with the people I’ve met at the hostel… and it was clear it attracts amazing people just like the temple… the founder has built this vortex of attraction… and why not be able to work with this magnetism? He’s extremely magnetic however I feel like I am too… so why not increase the magnetism? I do enjoy labor admittedly… I’m so excited there’s a wood shop here at the hostel… and I haven’t had an opportunity to enjoy a wood shop before except for brief moments in college… the wood shop calls to me and the professors were noticing my affinity to wood and was trying to pull me into their department… I have some experience with carpentry and construction but to not great degrees… I studied architecture and interior design.. so building is something I want to build experience in… and I’m hoping this could allow opportunities… but when I was laying the floor I felt this pressure of getting the thing done in two hours… i felt tension in team members and I found it very challenging to be satisfied with my results… I was distracted with all the factors… and I’m not satisfied with the quality I settled with… but this is a skill I can foresee to build if I was able to be a part of this community for a year… but again skewing the schedule a bit… two hours of construction and woodworking isn’t much time for me to process and create comfortableness. Yeah… that’s something I noticed in the temple when it came to duties of labor… she had a long list of items on the labor list but it wasn’t available for everyone to know what was on the list. I’m not sure why but I could see having a vision of where the community is going is something I’d find valuable and motivating to contribute to that vision. But she also looked at her volunteers as laborers … I’m not saying she’s bad by any means… but she has a lot on her plate that she wants done and so she had a tendency to see laborers for items on her list. She wasn’t really getting to know the volunteers who came onto property… she didn’t really understand what value they have in this environment… she just knew they were there for a temporary period of time and then they’ll move on.. so she’s going to get as much labor as she can even if it’s half assed because at least it’s getting done even though we’ll have to rebuild shortly after… I started to see that if people had specific skills in building she would have projects for them to work on which again wasn’t on a list anyone knew about only herself… so I’d ask the volunteers who came to the temple by court for community hours to give if they have a skill relating to building and so she was able to get specific tasks done by specialized volunteers you know like electrical issues and such… again labor seems to be an easy qualifier of value of someone’s worth… but we all understand that life and communities are so much more nuanced than that. I’d like to look at the nuisance more in this community. I feel like I want to find a recruiting system in the pool of volunteers. I’d like to see what all websites that are out there for people prone to volunteer work… I know there were a few that I learned from the LDS which I browsed through… but I’d like to personally do some outreach to the local population too… geesh I’ve got so many ideas of how I would like to approach this community… but I literally don’t know who I’m working with at this moment. I just have a strong desire to get the chance to know him more. Let’s just stop right here and understand that I have not spoken to him about his visions and goals in a deep manner… I heard what people shared during the meetings but I want to read between the lines… they are so immersed in the community that sometimes it takes an outsider to observe something about the community that it cannot see for themselves… that applies to individuals as well… so thankful for the people I meet who are honest about what they see in me that I couldn’t see for myself.. it’s helpful. But I’m going to stop entertaining visions of what I’d like to help the property with until I actually get the quality time I need for understanding. I do like hearing what they’re sharing but we didn’t get to a point of steps to move forward… some questions seemed easy to answer… but again I like to work with subtleties and nuance… and observing and feeling out a community will give me far more understanding then listening to the words that were shared. And even though I love the people I met.. I also know there is so many lovely people I’ve met and have been building a relationship here in Indiana… again… maybe I’l be more patient to who I’m drawn and attracted to work with instead of just thinking about everyone and narrowing my focus to the ones who are magnetic and attractive. My communication with the Universe is expanding and I’ve realized an example of what that communication looks like with this hostel for example and it’s founder. I felt the draw and wanted to visit these events before i came here… so the lines of communication are open and there just expanding the ways of communication and I willing to expand my communication as well. Music is calling to me… nature is calling to me.. deep bonds are calling to me… transformation is calling to me… building is calling to me… safe space is calling to me… I feel like safe space is becoming more apparent and the different ways that can be applied to my life right now… in a physical manner… no matter how much I love and respect my father… his house is not a safe space to feel comfortable in. It’s again challenging to explain because he is a safe space… he’s been a safe space for me all my life and why we’ve become so close… but his actual home is not a safe space. It’s cluttered and dirty which is distracting and time consuming and tedious especially when I know the efforts and energy I place into it will only last a limited period of time since this isn’t a concern for him right now… but it’s been really challenging for me to cook and even clean myself while I’m here… there’s no running water… which again shouldn’t be that big of deal… this isn’t the only place I’ve stayed in that doesn’t have running water… but the care for cleanliness isn’t present right now… only in very specific areas… but I went eight months without a kitchen at the temple… when I spent two months with my buddy in Colorado we were having the best of time cooking together… how much i underestimated the value of having access to a kitchen will not be taken for granted… just like spending a year here with my pops with out a bathtub… I only took two to three showers when I was in Utah… I took baths.. I find it so beneficial and healing for my soul and so I didn’t want to take it for granted and when I knew I was coming back to Indiana… I knew I wasn’t going to have baths often and I also knew the condition of the kitchen I’d be working with… and I feel myself more resistant to stay in the place… I was able to create a degree of cleanliness when I was here last but it took over a year to accomplish this.. and when I returned.. it was back to where it was… i mean not exactly I see steps of improvements… but I just see so much energy to get it back to where I feel comfortable to be in this space. In fact maybe that’s what I’ll be doing today… just start cleaning again… I’m not sure how long I’ll be here and I cannot assume that I’ll attract somewhere different… so work with what I have and get it to a point where I’ll be able to maneuver easier. I seem to be working with my relationship with the cold a little more too… when I was in Colorado in the airstream I wasn’t as cold as one would assume… it took a little bit of adjustments but I found I was able to sleep and be comfortable in the cold… my dad is also concerned about me being cold because there’s no central heating but he has portable heaters and he keeps wanting me to use them and has given me a heated blanket… and i’m grateful for the concern and tools to keep warm.. but I also feel like the cold isn’t affecting me in the same manner. There time for adjustments and then I’m comfortable. I know I do appreciate him holding on to all of his clothes though…hehe… I’ve gotten rid of most of my belongings and I raided one of his closets to find some sweaters to wear since fall is ending shortly and winter will be upon us. I’ve got plenty to choose from… and I’m grateful… I do enjoy being with my pops… he said last year that he doesn’t want to spend the whole winter here at the house because it’s challenging and we aren’t really invited to the holidays with my brother and the grand kiddos… so it’s just not worth toughing it out the winter and wants to go to New Orleans to visit a cousin who recently moved there. He wants to go for the food…he loves to cook Cajun and wants to enjoy authentic Cajun… he asked me to go… but I said I’d go for the food but I don’t want to go to New Orleans.. I’d want to go to the bayou… in the boondocks… no man’s land… hehe… I can do both but I wouldn’t want to spend much time in the city… i know I’ll find enjoyment there… but I’d like to focus my time in the country… also I’m not certain I’m too thrilled to visit with the cousin… again something in small doses would be good but not a heaping helping…hehe… love her but energy is pretty intense… I know it will help me see where I’m at with dealing with this style of energy but I’ve already had that with someone who lives in my hometown… he’s got intense energy that’s also needy… and the result is I’ve told him to stop reaching out to me at this time… he’s going to have to wait until I reach out to him.. he’s repelling me with that type of energy… it’s really the neediness and desperation of attention… it’s not something I have the energy to share with this person. and subtlety and nuance just goes right over his head so I have to be straightforward and firm. He does the same thing to my childhood girl friend and that’s how he was introduced to him again he’s a neighbor of hers… but she hasn’t made it clear to him where her boundaries are and was complaining about the frequency of his communication and asked if I’m still dealing with it… and I was happy to say no I’m not dealing with it… I was clear in my communication for him to not reach out and I’ll reach out to him instead. I’ll probably go and play a round of disc golf one day with him… but not at this moment… however… hmmm… maybe that’s something I’d like to do right now and then come back to cleaning… yes… nature calls to me and I love the woods here where I play disc golf… yeah… that’s what I feel like doing right now. Ok.. cool… I think this was a good session again… until next time… enjoy

45 min meditation today as well. Gosh. It is so necessary to meditate. I always go through very intense emotional cycles, but meditation seems to clear it out over and over, and renew my vitality. It even seems like the emotional cycles becomes fuel for transformation.

In Human, All Too Human, Friedrich Nietzsche presents a nuanced critique of metaphysics and its role in human development. He writes: Nietzsche critiques a purely deconstructive stance toward metaphysics, describing the overcoming of metaphysical beliefs as an "intense effort" that necessitates a subsequent "retrograde movement." This movement involves understanding the "historical and psychological justification" of metaphysical ideas. He warns that without this backward step, one risks "rob[bing] himself of mankind's finest accomplishments to date." The metaphor of the ladder - where one should "look out over the last rung... but not want to stand on it" - suggests a careful balance between transcending metaphysical thought and appreciating its contributions. At first glance, this passage could be interpreted similarly to Jordan Peterson's critique of postmodernism. Peterson often argues that deconstructing traditional metaphysical and moral frameworks leads to societal chaos and moral decay. He emphasizes the importance of these structures in maintaining order and meaning, cautioning against the wholesale abandonment of established beliefs. However, Nietzsche introduces a crucial element that Peterson seems to overlook: the concept of the Eternal Return, implicit in the imagery of the hippodrome. The hippodrome - a circular racetrack where competitors loop back to their starting point - symbolizes a process of repetition rather than linear dialectical progression. Nietzsche's reference suggests that the "retrograde movement" is part of a cyclical journey where revisiting and re-evaluating past ideas leads to continual transformation. This cyclical journey reframes the notion of the "retrograde movement" as a dynamic progression without relying on dialectical opposition. The act of "climbing back down a few rungs" is not a retreat but an essential phase in the evolution of thought. It acknowledges that while metaphysical constructs may be deconstructed, they also hold historical and psychological significance that have propelled human advancement. Thus, the enlightened individual must revisit and reassess these ideas to fully comprehend their value and limitations. Jordan Peterson appears to remain at a more literal level of "retrograde movement." This could be seen as a manifestation of Freudian repetition compulsion, where individuals unconsciously repeat past behaviors or patterns despite them being unproductive or harmful. This "false repetition" perpetuates the same cycles without leading to genuine transformation or advancement. In this context, the "trauma" is the radical deconstruction and potential dissolution of all established knowledge. This can also be likened to a freeze response to this trauma, where instead of processing and integrating the experience, an individual becomes stuck in patterns of avoidance or re-enactment. Clinical psychology teaches us that to resolve such trauma, one must not only intellectually acknowledge it - talk about it, as Peterson does so fervently - but also embody and act out the unresolved experiences, much like a horse majestically galloping through the hippodrome. As Gilles Deleuze elucidates: This distinction clearly separates the Eternal Return - the true repetition that affirms life - from the "blockage" of false, compulsive repetition that prevents such an affirmation and "threatens life from within." By embracing this cycle of deconstruction and reconstruction without the framework of dialectics, individuals move beyond the limitations of both excessive deconstructionism and reactionary conservatism. This process allows for the preservation of humanity's "finest accomplishments" while also making room for new insights and higher forms of understanding. It is a moral prescription that exists "beyond good and evil," emphasizing growth through perpetual self-overcoming and affirmation of life.

@Sugarcoat Forget all this Non Dual, Enlightenment, meaning/no meaning talk, it will confuse You. Right Now or maybe at certain times You feel a sense of Suffering Yes or No? If yes, disregard what anyone is telling You about what they think Reality is or isn't, deal with this sense of Suffering! Ask Yourself and come to Your own answers, Is Suffering healthy for You or not? Don't let anyone answer this for You! Then decided what You want to do about it, keep on experiencing what You are experiencing, or change it! If You want to change it then You must seek the way to change it, because obviously what Your doing now is not working right? If You don't want to change it keep on doing what Your doing.. My General sense when ppl come on here and ask for opinions on what to do about something, or what something is, at the end of the conversation they are more confused than when they first asked the question, which leads to endless questions and no transformation or even change in experience..

Questions I Want to Contemplate / Answer with My One Month of Travel + Answers So Far I left the country on 9/30 and came back to Dallas at 10/25. I took time off work and was travelling around for roughly a month. I wanted to take this break not only to have fun but also take a step back from my life and contemplate some things. I came up with a list of questions I wanted to journal about a few months ago: I have been journaling about these questions privately throughout my travels and I have even dated the answers in the bullet point below so that I can track how my thought process has been evolving. I thought I'd also include it here in my online journal. What kind of role does travel play in my life and how often do I want to travel? 10/10/2024: I do think that travel plays an important role in my life especially while I’m young. I think of it as a tool for self-development, a way to connect with the people around me, and to try new things so I am living my life to the fullest. I’m not sure just yet how often I want to travel. 10/15: Honestly, I feel like a border collie that has just gone to sheep camp. I think travel to a certain extent is a necessity to keep me sane in the capitalist hellscape lol. But I will say, I am not someone who can travel for novelty since I already have exposure to a lot of things and I think a lot of places blend into one another over time. I especially felt like a border collie at sheep camp after biking and hiking and spending so much time in walkable areas. Also, check out the 10/15 entry for question 10 10/21: I don’t think I want to do long term trips that involves me bouncing around. As soon as I hit the 3 week mark, I felt a switch go off in my head about how I’m over travelling and I want to go back home. I can do an extended amount of time away granted I’m staying in one place. But to move cities and countries every 2-3 days does take a toll on me eventually. Also, I think me being a bit sick also contributes to this. Maybe if I’m feeling well I could push it to 4 weeks. Do I want travel to be a component in my career? 10/10/2024: Yes. I do think I would be adaptable enough to handle this and I think I’m intrinsically motivated by travel enough to get the most out of it even if it isn’t a luxurious experience. 10/15: I can see myself enjoying a travel aspect of a career is I find myself living in a country for a few months here and there. I think that when you’re travelling as a tourist, you’re not staying for long, and you’re trying to cover as much ground as possible, there is only so deep you can go in experiencing and learning the culture. But I will say, my main concern with travelling for work is my ability to maintain the relationships that are important to me in my life. I feel like it’s already hard to maintain friendships in adulthood with the constant life transitions and I feel like it will be even harder when you factor in travel. While I am enjoying myself, I do miss my friends and I am experiencing some FOMO. 10/21: My concern with traveling for work is the following: I’m travelling on the company’s time so I won’t have the chance to explore or have control over my schedule. How this will hit my personal relationships I’m also afraid of the possibility of travel getting old for me. I think now that I have hit the 3 week mark of travelling, I am a bit over it and I just want to eat some good tacos and cuddle with my man. I’m not over travel as a whole but I think it is something that I can do in segments. I think travelling for more than 2.5 weeks at a time is a bit much for me. Like it’s one thing if I’m spending 3 weeks or more in one place, but it’s another thing for me to be constantly moving around for 3 weeks. Week 1: I miss ice Week 2: I miss tacos Week 3: I miss staying in one place and being with my friends. Is my hobby regarding travelling something that is crucial for me to share with a life partner? 10/10/2024: I don’t think I have to share this hobby with my life partner, but they do have to be open to new experiences and accept my lifestyle. How do I feel about travelling to developing countries regarding what I can and can’t handle regarding navigating a new environment? 10/15: I think so long as I have google translate and maps I should be good to go in most cases. I think having a tour guide is important to have when you’re doing something more in nature, like hiking up a mountain, or if you want to do something in a more rural place like visiting a village since there is only so much you can prep for and navigate using google maps. Over all, I’m pretty good at navigating myself and adjusting but there are just a few things here and there where I would need help from a local. 10/21: The language barrier has been a challenge for me in South Korea and the maps can help so much. 10/23: Thankfully, I found a better app for maps and that helped exponentially. I will say for future reference, if I know I’m going to be travelling somewhere with a large language barrier, it would be good to have an extra day or more time in my schedule to figure things out regarding getting around so that I’m generally more used to things. How did this trip impact my degree of self-confidence, agency, and self-efficacy? 10/15: I feel like all of these things are rising. I feel like generally speaking, I have the unfortunate habit of overestimating my problems and underestimating myself and my capability to deal with said problems. I feel really proud of myself for doing this trip and paying for this myself. I think the tendency to overestimate my problems comes from my parents’ *hope for the best and prepare for the worst* mindset. And while they meant well, I think the mainly emphasized the prepare for the worst part. This is a little silly, but life won’t stop for you in the same way that the traffic won’t stop for you in Vietnam or India. You will always have challenges, and you will have to cross the street and do what you need to do. In order to do that, yes waiting helps a little but you will ultimately need to have the faith that you won’t get run over and the way to do that is to keep walking and don’t stop. Overall, one of my favorite things about travelling is how I feel so capable after the trip. It’s almost always a huge confidence boost. I don’t think that travel is the only way to achieve this rather, it’s more about challenging yourself and trying new things, which you tend to do a lot of with you’re travelling. Do I want to have a child and how do I see this factor in my ideal lifestyle? 10/10/2024: I do think that I can travel with a kid and that having a kid shouldn’t halt my life even though it will change it a ton. I’m still not entirely whether or not I want a kid but I’m leaning towards a no as of right now. 10/21/2024: I don’t want to have a kid of my own but I do want to have kids in my life. I don’t think I can be a full time parent but I do see myself being like a part time parent in the sense that I’m there to help my friends when they have kids. It take a village to raise a child and I want to be part of that village. And this also means making friends who view families in a similar way and who values friendship to the extent that I do. How do I feel about my current relationship now that I have gotten some distance from it? 10/10/2024: I find myself often thinking about how I want him by my side as I travel India. I have told him a lot of stories and I want him to see and experience them for himself. It’s like a constant. I want someone I can not only share my culture with but someone who is also open to travel and explore new things. .This is how I felt prior to this trip but I still feel it now: I want to marry him but I don’t know how that would practically work. 10/15/2024: If I do decide I want to work towards marriage with this man, I will need the following things Have him complete a few certifications and work towards advancing in his career. Move in together for a few months Travel internationally with him and also have him travel internationally once by himself He needs to be supportive of my career and the lifestyle that it comes with >> something we will need to sort out together in a conversation 10/24/2024: I feel even more strongly for him after some distance. However, at the same time, since I left my bubble, it kind of helped me not put as much pressure on this relationship and hold onto it so tightly since I have been reminded that there is a great big world out there and I’ll be fine if this doesn’t work out. In other words, my love has strengthened but my attachment has loosened. What role does my intellectual needs play in my overall satisfaction in the relationship? 10/10/2024: I think the lack of intellectual stimulation has more to do with alexithymia and less to do with intellectual incompatibility. As a result, this is something that can be worked on. To what extent is travel something that internally or externally motivates me? 10/10/2024: I think it mostly intrinsically motivating. I say this because of the way that I prepared for this trip by educating myself and how I tend to be kind of strict with myself to where I have to *force* myself to relax. In other words, I don’t think that travel is something hedonistic for me. That said, I do thing travel is a good way for me to break out of my regular monotony and that this along with creating other events to look forward to in the year is important to not turn into the Spongebob fish where everything in the year feels like a blur. 10/15: Here is something I wrote in my notes app that I have been contemplating: “I don’t think I can travel hedonistically. I feel part of the hedonistic drive a lot of people have with travel comes down to trying new things and exposing yourself to the exotic. But to me, a lot of things that feel foreign to a lot of people don’t feel that way to me. I think that things would be different if I were to live somewhere vs simply visiting but basically, I can see why some people who travel a lot say that a lot of places start to blend together. I’m not at that point with my relationship to travel but I can see it getting to that point in a decade or so. And I’m not saying this to diminish the uniqueness of different places but I can see who different places influence each other and how culture becomes more of a gradient rather than separate categories. And I think that this is beautiful in its own way. I feel like I can appreciate Vietnam differently as someone who has been to both France and India because I can see the cultural impacts of those two regions.” Is travel a good source of motivation for me? 10/10/2024: Yes. I think a lot of it has to do with that it’s mostly intrinsically motivating for me and it’s a good thing to incorporate into my life so I can take a break and then come back with fresher eyes. 10/21/2024: I think that travelling domestically once a year and travelling internationally every other year makes the most sense to me considering I have a normal corporate job. I think it also comes down to the notion that when you’re an adult, you’re also responsible for the fun you have and creating things to look forward to. That said, given my outlook on travel, I don’t think that this is likely to be a source of hedonism or escapism for me. What are some takeaways from the new experience I’m getting? What am I learning about the world around me and how I relate to it? I will make a whole post for this answer How can I be a more ethical traveler and am I engaging in ethical practices, especially as an American? I think things accommodating tourists are fine to engage with but coddling tourists is a problem. Things that accommodate tourists include being able to pay with credit card, having the option to use toilet paper instead of bidet, booking a tour so that the logistics of seeing the sights your interested in are taken care of, having some local services be available in English to meet growing demand, etc. However, things coddling tourists include things like opening up 5-star resorts that exclude locals from their land, using local culture as an aesthetic and vibe while treating locals like trash, having a number of restaurants in Vietnam for example that mainly serve burgers and pizza and even though they do also serve local cuisine, you already know that it will be adjusted to euro centric tastes, leaning into the colonizer aesthetic more to make a place more palatable, and really anything that hurts the local people to create a more comfortable experience for tourists to the point where tourists can remain in their isolated bubble where they don’t have to challenge themselves in the slightest. It’s also important to do a good amount of research in places you’re going to and why things are the way they are for the better and for worse, so you don’t show up acting like you fell from a coconut tree. And in doing so and taking in the context of your surroundings, you do need to check your financial and passport privileges. I think I’m pretty good about this both as a human rights major as well as my own personal life experiences regarding visiting India growing up. How do I feel about interacting with my family throughout all of this and what does it mean for my relationships going forward? 10/10/2024: I feel like the women in my family are cool and I want to continue getting closer to them. My cousin and aunt have Hindu Nationalist brain rot. And my cousin's 3 year old son is just fine especially for a 3 year old. What do the answers about the questions above reveal about my sense of purpose, my career, and how I should structure my life? Talk to my boyfriend about wanting to get married, what you need from him, and what your life plans are. Work on rebuilding your confidence socially in therapy. Make more friends who are aligned with your priorities and where you’re at in life. Apply to fellowships for your IR degree so you can do something like what your friend is doing. Plan a domestic trip once a year and an international trip every other year. Increase physical activity on a day-to-day basis and cut back on your screen time. How do I feel about navigating uncertainty before and after this trip? Idk yet What do I think of my life in this American capitalist hellscape after seeing different ways of living life? 11/2/2024: I think that this hellscape is not as bad as it could be but at the same time I did journal about anti-capitalist angst about my job and social life soon after. I also think that this is something we can bounce back from, maybe not immediately, but in a broader sense. I think this is because all of the countries that I went to on my trip this time around exhibit some form of transformation and resilience. Qatar was a poor fishing village with pearl divers prior to the discovery of oil and natural gas in the 70s. India was incredibly impoverished when the British left in 1947 and although the country isn’t developed all the way, there are pockets and there has been a massive improvement in people’s lives materially over the last few decades. It will just take longer since there are more than a billion people there. Vietnam had to fight off 3 round of colonizers and had all types of fuck shit happen there but it is on it’s road to being a developed country in 15-20 years. South Korea was the more impoverished Korea compared to the north from the Korean war but they manage to build up the country and educate their population to where it doesn’t even compare to the north. Yes, what is happening in the U.S. is rough, scary, and not what you expect from a developed democracy, and it’s normal and healthy to be concerned about current events, but in the grand scheme of things, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things aren’t super bad. I don’t know how far the light is but it’s there and every day that passes we are getting closer to it. How do I relate to different immigrant groups in Dallas after going on these trips? I think there is a certain degree of relatability that comes from experiencing diverse places, ways of life, and just having a broader range of life experience. It felt pretty good to be able to talk to my Vietnamese coworker about my experiences there and hear about his experiences as well. Like I felt like I had more I could add to the conversation had it been otherwise.