Truth Addict

Hertz.

See? This one phrase says it all. I don't know how to do the same.

@tsuki Thanks. Brace yourself for more. I've had many insights into tier two, but I have a huge shadow in Orange, I'd always been neglecting being selfish and pragmatic, I've only recently started developing an 'ego'. Well, not quite recently, but at least recently it's been more conscious. I've been raiesd a stage Blue fundamentalist, but never really got into it before the age 14, my first breaking point. Before that I was at stage Red, a little fighter, selfish boy. At 14 I got into high school, and it was no ordinary one. Most of the other students were frankly smarter than me. I was pretty bad compared to them and I used to be better than others earlier. It was a high school for superior students. My parents made me apply for it, and I succeeded in the exam. The experience with that school was a huge disappointment for me, I wasn't ready for it, it was way above my head, but nevertheless I needed it, I grew so much simply by being exposed to other highly intellectual students, even though I couldn't merge with them properly. I've only had a handful of friends. They'd had very big egos compared to mine at the time. So, years go by and I have my next breaking point at 17 years old, as I studied for the graduation year with a bunch of 'inferior' students, so it was only two years with the superiors, but the graduation year was no ordinary year, I've had a terrible time because my city was at war. So, as that was happening, I was gradually turning to Green, and skipping Orange completely as it was so much against the stage Blue religion that I was born into. To be more accurate, I only skimmed the surface of 'my' Orange lol, I only took the minimum required for succeeding in high school. I didn't want success per se, I only wanted to skip failure, but my intellectual skills were very good for the education in my country (thanks to the two years experience with the superior students), so I succeeded in applying for the top field here, medicine. The bad news is that the same superior students also did the same, so we've come together once again, my second breaking point. I was one of the worst students in college, however I succeeded easily in the first half (three consecutive years), but failed twice in the fourth year, and finally succeeded and finished this cursed year only about three months ago. The last year was the best in terms of understanding/growth both metaphysically and spiritually and the worst in terms of productivity, thanks to my stage Orange shadow. I've been questioning my Islamic beliefs for about 6 years now, and I only could let go of them during the last year, you can see my earliest posts and threads on the forum. I've grown a lot in the last few months, and a lot more in the last year, thanks to the forum and the free time that was available for me as I was unemployed. There's so much to say about my childhood and teenage life, but I don't want to make this post any longer. I already have provided a lot of information I guess. So, in conclusion, yeah I think I'm Green, or maybe Yellow lacking Orange. And here's why: I don't want to overestimate myself, but I am a very critical thinker, the problem is that my language sucks (my primary is Arabic) and I can't express what I want to say without talking in depth and I don't have enough time or energy for that, so I tend to give short answers, or I tend to lump in a lot of things together. Even my very long in-depth posts like this one is very condensed. I write a lot less than what I think. It's also very exhausting and sometimes disappointing to put effort in writing but then not finding anyone appreciating what you said because you didn't know how to communicate it. Besides, I like being alone and I'm not the emotional type nowadays. I know I have many blindspots in Yellow such as lack of variety of sources of information. I think I'm probably just starting to get into Yellow. I'm still young and I'm learning. Besides, I seem to almost have no suffering anymore, although that might be a downside as well, since suffering = motivation. But, things seem promising. EDIT: it took me about two hours to type this post (on phone).

You're gonna do it. You have already done it by making this thread!

Minds are arguing about the heart. The story of life...

All of this I understand, except the infinite quality which I think of more as an inability to know, or maybe more of a lack of distinctions, not necessarily being infinite. Maybe Infinity is not what I imagine it to be.

Well at least he's been depicted as a hero.

I've somehow started developing the ability to detect the stage of development that people are at, along with an estimated actual age, plus their capacity of information, wisdom and experience. All of that I can estimate through the depth of their writing. I'm not at the apex point yet, but I can see a lot just by reading the posts that members/mods write. For example: Leo is at stage Orange/Yellow, so deeply immersed. Juvenile teenager style while in his early 30s. Strongly into business more than anything else. He has a lot of information, no doubt, but he has a lot of shadow yet to cover/uncover. Serotoninluv is at stage Yellow and borderline Turquoise. Very grounded and informative, so much depth in information, and solid metaphysics. He's probably in his 40s-50s. I didn't like him at first, his empathy ruins his judgements, but I understand. Nahm is a complicated character, I couldn't find him on the spiral because he's scattered everywhere lol. He's growing too fast, and is so much integrated, yet he's so Green even his avatar says that lol. I like his style and everything. Probably 40-45 years old. Tsuki is at stage Green and borderline Yellow. Very grounded intellectually, not so much emotionally, becoming more balanced each day. He's in his late 20s I guess. Aakash is at stage Green and borderline Yellow. Monkey-yet-open-minded lol. Philosophical too much, not very practical. His age is something between 24-28 years old. Mandyjw is at stage Blue/Green and borderline Orange/Yellow. I don't know how she does that, but she does have a complicated character, perhaps because she's evolving fast. 30-31 years old (I already know it). Truth Addict. A deluded fool at stage Beige (see my avatar) who'd thought that he's the smartest guy in the universe until 14 years old, then started discovering his foolishness and bullshit, only to do it again at 17 years old and think that he's the smartest guy in the universe until 18 years old when he discovered his foolishness and bullshit once again. After that, he began to become humble and started listening to (not learning from) other perspectives. Only to discover 4 years later that his humility was fake all along and that it opened the doors to hell for him. This deluded fool, however, still manages to love and accept himself, regardless of all of his imperfections and flaws. He's not suffering right now, but he's stuck. He wants to become a better version of Serotoninluv whilst having the mindset of a lazy undisciplined ass. He wants to gain more while working less. A perfect mindset for a genius, you know, genius people are the laziest ones, they invented the stuff that made life easier. How lazy is that? Right? See? I started thinking I'm the smartest guy in the universe once again. What a deluded fool! I love you! ? Anyway, I think the people who come here and only read are probably the wisest ones. Then again, they don't know what they're missing. Of course, all of that is pretty much my projections, but hey, who said projections can't be right?! Why am I here? (I mean in life). Dammit!

@MuddyBoots Thanks man, that put me out of my perspective for a while. I guess I was stuck there. Anyway, I think you're right. Maybe I am being hard on myself, but then again, maybe I want to be that way. I am a greedy person, always wanting more and more. I feel like I can achieve a lot more. Being undisciplined might probably be wasting my potential. See? At least you have to-do lists. I don't have any. And right until now, I'm procrastinating about starting the research. Guess I'm a lost cause lol ?

Cool!

Leo doesn't like Trump. The guy must have a point. (I mean Trump). ... Leo is keeping those guys in his shadow, that's the point. I didn't say they're better. But there's something to learn from them which you will miss by not liking them.

That's still an assumption, at least for me.

My brother always tells me that the ego needs to know in order for it to feel like it exists.

I think I should start a new journal for disciplining myself. I grew up very disciplined and had been strict with it while gradually losing it over the years. The last year or two were basically freedom and chaos. I couldn't commit to doing anything besides working, and by working I mean being very neurotic and a workaholic. Well, I also used to be very strict with Muslim prayer and practices as a whole, but then for the last year I'd completely let go of prayer. Furthermore, I don't practice spirituality on a regular basis, I only do it when I feel like it. Interesting thing is that I feel like meditating almost every day, and I undisciplinedly meditate for nearly 1 hour per day while walking back and forth between home and work. I should start gathering resources on discipline. Or, should I? lol ? Gotta have something to keep my lazy ass in shape! ?

1 + 1 = 2 is absolute.

LMAO ??? @Nahm I'm sorry bro, that was hilarious. I couldn't resist @mandyjw You know you were a bad boy Oh God! I think we all should take a break from spirituality for a while. lol ?

Leo doesn't like JP. The guy must have a point. (I mean JP).

Be open to losing. This is autumn you're experiencing, and winter is coming. Shamanic Breathing can help a lot.

@zeroISinfinity I'm not enlightened.

It's strange that no one yet understood the analogy. It isn't something you need a calculator for solving. It's blatantly obvious! If you meditate for 0 hours a day you will achieve enlightenment in no time. YOU DON'T NEED TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL! Enlightenment is right here, right now.

Awesome! What about right-brained ways of thinking? Like intuition, inspiration, and passion? How much do those things affect your decisions? I'm very left-brained, so just wondering.

This very likely indicates that you're left-brained. If so, then you need more room for your right brain.

I'll pass.

Exactly my words at that time lol.

I think distinctions and thoughts can be useful when you have a goal or a desire, or when trying to get over suffering. Feminine vs. Masculine love can be a really helpful duality to use when you're stuck at one extreme, be it masculine, feminine, or balanced. The optimal performance would be achieved by operating from the meta perspective, which is full detachment from the duality as a whole, while at the same time being fully immersed in it, and being able to jump freely between the two ends, using whatever is required at any given situation to achieve the best possible outcomes.