peanutspathtotruth

Being / Non being / None of the two / All three / ....silence

Wow. This was exactly what I needed. I will do this one over and over. Thank you so much. <3

Can approve that this sneakily happens regularly to me. The harder one tries, the smaller the prison gets. That's how frustration happens.

Thank you for the recommendation. I will maybe try this out when I have more freebase.

You mean something like Syrian Rue extract 10:1? That's the powder I have here. That would be amazing!

It is ? Very potent for complete, utter, final letting go! Did feel like that many times for me.

Wow!! Have to try this on the iPad when tripping next time

Do any of you know the MoDem festival? I haven't been there, but a very good friend of mine and he showed me the visuals from the main stage. This is incredible stuff. They also have a relatively new video with their visuals system. It feels underwhelming at first, but give it some time Really amazing

For me, it depends on how awake I am. Sometimes when switching from sitting to lying down, I can clearly see how I'm getting less present and it's very hard to stay centered. Then it's a matter of honesty and doing what's best. Most of the time though, it's amazing. Savasana is the most important yoga pose for a reason

Spontaneous trip-report: I was surprised to find a tiny rest of freebase today (I haven't really tripped for months, made a big break). So I just took it. It was about 30mg in total, split up into three journeys via GVG. I wanted to go back in lightly, carefully. This was more of a dive into my psychological outset regarding consciousness work. I started out having a lot of fear taking the first hit. Really quickly I realized what I'm afraid of is pain, of being insulted and beaten up and judged. And inquiring into that, I saw how I'm actually afraid of my own superego voices. There is nobody else there who could hurt "me", and there is not even someone to be hurt, even though it feels like that. And then I saw clearly how what is true would never hurt anything, not even the ego, for it is all itself. The one wanting the ego to die is the ego itself. And that wish is not genuine. It is just another way of trying to prove itself, to do it right. More thoughts like "I should go deeper", "Why am I not getting IT"?, and "I should not think right now" appeared. I asked WHY? Who is saying that? Listening to these thoughts, I "saw" spiritual teachers appear, as if they were demanding that. Of course nobody does so but some self invented voices. So I realized all fear and all demands coming only from myself. I dropped it all and let the heart guide me further, and I saw how pressing my face into my own shit is just God wanting me to see that it's okay - it's okay to accept that what I thought I am is an illusion. It's okay to see clearly that an illusion can not be real. It felt like an internal family gathering, and all internal voices agreed - we might have seen things wrong all this time. We don't have to fight anything, for we are trying to protect something that's not even there. We don't know what's actually there. But we have no choice but to die into that, to let everything else go. Very beautiful.

I have been very inactive in this forum for quite a while, but now it draws me back again to share this. It comes from the heart. It is more aimed at myself, I am not trying to teach anyone, these are just insights. Only looking beyond the ego won't do it. Only looking within the ego won't do it either. Bruteforcing truth upon the ego did never work for me, after all these years, be it through tedious self inquiry or 5-MeO, or whatever. And there were many deep awakenings and purification experiences nonetheless. Of course, looking into the Absolute Truth of things is most essential. When done extremely sincerely, there is love, silence, stillness revealing itself to be your essence. But seeing what you are does not make the ego surrender. I think many of you can relate when you have experiences like this: - You realize what you REALLY are. - You realize "you" have been holding yourself back all this time. - You bathe in perfection, but at some point the clouds come back, and sooner or later you're kind of lost again. One of my most strong barriers in this work has been the wish to annihilate the ego. Most of the time, this only hardened its shell. Why? Because next to all the superego voices that beat your ego up all this time, now it invents a new "spiritual" superego that is the worst of them. And with that voice, you always eventually want to kill your ego. Wanting to kill "your" ego will just make it more defensive. So this is where Personal Truth gets in, which is something shadow work should aim at clarifying. This is a very VERY important point: When the ego fully (!) understands how things really are, it will surrender without one moment of hesitation. But for that, there needs to be a clear understanding of why you suffer on a personal level. We not only suffer because we take ourselves to be something which we are not. That is the ultimate root of the problem, yes, but there is more personal, relative truth to be seen. It has to be seen. The truth is that the ego, the foundation of it, is completely innocent. To call it a devil, albeit true in a sense, is really dangerous, for it most likely introduces more superego voices (happened for me). What has to be seen is that you are a sweet little child, precious and full of beauty. All you want is to love, to play, to dance, to enjoy all things with everyone. That is your purity, even as a personality, not only as Truth itself. All the "wrong" you did is because you did not understand. So of course there is no wrong. There is no reason to ever doubt, ever second guess, or ever worry. This is so important. This can only be seen when you are connected to the love that you are, the infinite ocean of love. Only this love can give this child the understanding and compassion it needs. When the child sees its own innocence, and how it imagined all these voices some time in very early childhood, it no longer wants to believe them. Ego will choose love when it sees that that is the truth. Yes, all the layers upon the ego, they act like they don't want love, because they are internalized punishers and demanders. They are fictions. And yes, also the ego is fiction of course. But only when the ego sees it for itself, when it truly understands "Oh I see, there is only love, and that's all I ever wanted and deserved and needed. Oh, and I also see that why I'm suffering is because I believed in lies. Oooh, and I am also a lie? Well, when I have to cease so only love can remain, then I happily leave.", only then will it accept its fate. This is how surrender happens, through understanding. And of course, there is also grace. It is in no ones hands to fully understand. We can just assist our ego, with true love and gentleness (and sometimes firmness), to see what is real. And that has to include all the personal barriers, because they will remain either way, even after enlightenment. That's what many teachers call transformation. It both has to happen anyway when you want to mature. I personally found this to be extremely important to fully grasp. This is like a team effort with your ego, and at some point, it will take one for the team so to speak. And then the team as a whole readily steps into the cleansing fires, for the only aim of the team was to prepare the stage for Truth to enter.

@Nick_98 It might be helpful to know that these reactions are really ingrained in your body and your psyche. There are tons of layers of defenses that try to keep you away from seeing the truth. So never feel bad about reacting like that. I've been doing this work for a very long time, and often times when I glimpse a certain realization, my whole body just contracts and my mind screams "NO!". It's not like you can control it, for who is there to control what? As @cetus said, it is about surrender. Maybe it helps to know that what we are all basically doing here is learning to allow the truth without fighting so hard. That can take (a lot of) time. Keep going, what you experienced is a good sign

May I ask what is the difference for you between sitting silently and, say, do-nothing meditation? Is it less centeredness of attention? Is it allowing to identify with thoughts compared to returning to the consciousness that is behind all thought? I'm curious.

Well, not if you vape it. I vaped through GVG, works excellent. I also used the bong, also works great, but way more harsh. To be honest, yes smoking would not be optimal for the lungs - but this is a rather small price to pay for realizing God imo. But yeah, I prefer vaping which is not really different from vaping the freebase.

@Aaron p Wow, very inspiring! I have quite a bit of fear due to a lot of experienced terror on 5-MeO, even though I did let go a few times. Your report is very motivating. Thank you for sharing all of this ?

Something to share here, because I've been experimenting with NN for about 2 years now. I repeatedly stumbled upon the fact that most veterans in the DMT Nexus said that they find changa to be far superior to freebase for several reasons. So before that, I would always use the freebase in my GVG. And I know what you mean Leo, it seems very ineffective and unnecessarily complicated - until one learns how to vape it. Then, it is pretty simple and reliable, especially with the liquid pad. Then I switched to changa. Oh man... I understand why so many swear by it. 1. It's sooo easy to smoke, you know what you get. It's almost impossible, with a bit of care, not to burn any substance. Bong, GVG, normal pipe, whatever. 2. When you're careful (as we all should be), it's really hard to go too far. I find changa to be much more grounded in the sense that there is less potential terror and confusion. It feels more earthy and magical to me, not like a jet flying in your face. 3. Changa seems more lucid than freebase. Like in a lucid dream, it's a bit easier to stay fully present. Also, I retain much more memory of what happened and what I encountered. Freebase often times (but not always), feels so ephemeral, that when I return, I forget most of it within a few minutes. So for those of you who haven't tried, I highly recommend changa. Of course, using harmalas is similar to that, but I find changa way more convenient. Just vape it or smoke it.

? ? ? Jesus

@abrakamowse @Galyna ♥ Let me know how your experience was Today I couldn't let go that easily to be honest, it's different every day.

And vice versa. Nor are you, or anyone else, lesser than. A great thread for your ongoing inquiry is this question: Why is there judgment? And what remains when there is absolutely no judgment, and no need to judge? These questions can get you to the core of everything. I recommend upping your meditation time if possible. It highly increases the depth available to you.

Same for me... I'm at Diamond Heart Book 5 now and every chapter changes something deeply for me. So many good books he wrote. There is nobody I know with so much complexity, precision and depth. I love this guy. I think it has largely to do with his logos being so challengingly big. Only after getting through quite a few books of his is the impact starting to reveal itself. There are these discussions between Rupert Spira and Almaas on YouTube (from Science and Nonduality), you know those? Almost nobody there understands what he's pointing to. Took me a while to understand his points, and they come from yeeeears of deep digging. I think that's why he's not so easily accessible. Requires a lot of studying.

@Marten do you have any idea why it's always dogs though?

Exactly. Facing the fear is completely, absolutely allowing it to be there and even to let reaction be there. Reaction happens, resisting that just adds more layers of reaction. The only thing we can choose is the willingness to be present with everything. Fear is not bad. It is love that doesn't understand itself. And I'm saying this being very scared to get back into 5 again. It's crazy how many people experience this same dread: this total conviction that one actually dies. My biggest hurdle is as well thinking about others finding me dead. That's the core of the self/other delusion playing its finest cards. ...but it calls me back

@Demeter Realizing how much work there is can be both disappointing and humbling. If one accepts that, it can lead to even more compassion for oneself, patience and willingness to go all the way. I do think one can get stuck in shadow work. That's what psychotherapy without spiritual work is doing. That's why we look into the nature of reality at the same time. Don't worry, reality will tell you when it's time to let even healing go. You got this ♥

@Consilience I'm here with you, Day 1. Thanks for your bravery, being so public about it. No outside pressure will do it, but knowing that others read your reports, this can be a necessary extra push to pull through. All this is about is integrity. I fell back so many times - and it is not about this habit being bad. It is about what we want our lifes to be. And we know what we want. Let us remember it is not about fighting, but about clarity. And being clear about something will feel like fighting. Because seeing through the concepts that tell us we need that stuff is hard. And what is also hard is the accumulated "karma", guilt and shame from the past of not doing what we set out to do. Now is the time to go all the way. This is much more than getting over PMO. One can grow immensely from that. Blessings to you, stay strong and loving to yourself <3

Isn't Naranjo the one Almaas worked with for many years? By the way, amazing posts here, I only got through the last page, but I will dig into it more - very inspiring sharings