okulele

The Pursuit of Conciousness It is a journey, which I started not knowing what I was getting myself into. If I knew what it takes, I am sure I wouldn't be here. The mind is a tricky fellow. It is strong. It sets so many traps. Every day it finds a way to pull me back. It seems impossible to go on. Yet there is another force - subtle, invisible. Although the mind fights so vigoriously, the path continues. It is like I have a secret ally, who helps me out constantly. Reminds me what is important and sends the right circumstances my way every day. This could be easily overlooked, as the mind is so loud, but it is here nontheless. Thank you secret ally! Thank you for your silent presence. Thank you. Thank you.

For me letting go is - a big, big outbreath. Kind of like the last one you would ever have.

You do not want to replace the bad habits. That is just you not accepting them and wanting to get rid of them. It stems in fear. What you need to do is understand them. Sit with the pull of the addiction until you felt all the pain underneath and it is gone. Then you have a very pure space for the high-conciousness activities you want. Watch Leo's ''Fake Growth vs Real Growth'' and the one about addictions. It IS brutal. It is needed. About the stepping stone to God. That's a common trick the mind plays. There is no stepping stone. There is no distance from I to I. When the mind says - ''This is not it, we need a stepping stone.'' - do not believe.

I really feel with you. My family also pushes me to eat more telling me I am too skinny. Some rather unhealthy habits can come from a pressure like that I think.

"I am always here and now. You - abandoned? I can' t see how. And when you feel you don' deserve me, I'll be here and now as surely as always. - Peace"

Panic engulfed in peace I am broke. I don' t have a job. There is a slight sense of panicking, but... everything is ok. It is hard to explain. The situation is confusing. I feel I should be lost in fear, yet the peace won't go. This calmness is just not fitting for a situation like this. I am in serious trouble here, yet I feel... grateful, joyful, good.

@InfinitePotential That's some very helpful information. I think I will sloely transision to less frequent meals. @pluto That is exactly what I mean! It seems like hunger is more a habit thing than an actual physical sensation!

Let yourself resonate Lately I have been experimenting with listening to binaural beats and all kinds of beneficial frequencies. I find that if I am aware of my body and let it relax, it starts to vibrate ever so slitly, as if in resonance with the music. Take in these beautiful frequencies and let them flow through your body

... and slowly as the holy warrior welcomes his suffering more and more, it's more and more difficult to distinguish it from pleasure. At some point, he wonders what pain and pleasure even ment, and he cannot remember....

A holy warrior We suffer. No doubt about that. The more conscious we become, the more clear it becomes. We do not like suffering. That is what characterizes it. It is not pleasant, we think it should be otherwise... but should it? Some time ago I was sitting on an airport, late at night, waiting for a flight. I was reading a book. It was called "A man's search for meaning". I remember I was hooked. The author was telling about his experience in a nazi concentration camp. It was horrible, unimaginable torture. It would be hard to survive, but the man's perspective on suffering shifted. He felt a kind of pride and honor in this deep pain that was inflicted upon him. He was not broken. He suffered and suffered and he was glad he could do it. At that moment the suffering was no longer suffering. In order to become liberated, we can either renounce all or take in all. Renouncing - netti, netti - says not this, not that. You have nothing to do with the world. Taking it all in - yessi, yessi - says yes please! Give me all you got! And when I suffer I say thank you. It hurts so much and I am grateful. I choose to believe there is a higher reason behind my suffering. I choose to believe that it is not a mistake. And I take it in with open arms and heart. Is it true that there is a higher reason? I don't know. Doesn't matter. I choose to be free. I choose to suffer with my head high as a holy warrior.

No, I would get arrested or worse pretty soon if I would somy pretty sick stuff comes out

I let the voice go completly wild. It usually starts being agressive and vulgar. I actualy find it quite amuzing and interesting what new offences it will come up with. I let it completly loose and just forget about ever having the need to stop or disidentify with it. Strangely enough, by doing that it cannot touch me anymore. This is a process that happens to me spontaneously usually, but can also be induced.

I visited Cambodia for over a month. A lot of people pray to statues of Buddha, bring flowers, but really do that out of tradition only and organize rooster fights on the side. Several timea I saw beer and booze as an offer to the Buddha statue In Thailand I met a monk (in a monk robe) smoking a cigatete and browsing his smartphone. It's pretty much like christianity here. Not many believers are Christ-like beings.

Bufo Alvarius experience nervous breathing my body is vibrating in resonance with the singing bowls the shaman is playing around me the shaman puts the pipe in my mouth long, slow, shaky inbreath "shit, will I be able to hold it in?" vizual field starts falling in on itself, collapses into a single unit "aha, Aha, AHA! Of course. Of course. Yes..." the longest outbreath in the history of my life, finally letting it go *poof* I see the shaman, I see the room, I remember what happened, I giggle There is not much to write. It felt good. It was such a relief. I knew I was not coming back and that was fine. It was a surprise and familiar, obvious. The mind kicked back in very, very quickly. Remembering, trying to get back, judging. There is a lot of work to be done. I feel grateful.

Bufo ahead "I'm coming home, I'm coming friend, the frog is taking me to you. I heard your call, I heard it well, let me see what's really true."

Thank you. This is really inspirational!

@Viking I wouldn't worry about it, like Leo says in his video. Weird stuff will happen, just keep on meditating. Nothing can touch you.

The Brave Investigation Challenge 6/6 Yesterday was the last day of the challenge. The habit's pull was quite strong in the evening and I gave in. I took the sunflower seeds again though. If I am going to be snacking, I'm going to be snacking healthy! After a few "bites" a curious thought came to my head. It said: "You can stop eating, if you want." That was very empowering. At all the other times, I had a feeling, that I had no choice and the behavior was playing out by itself. I had one more bite maybe, and then spontaneously put the food down just left it there in front of me. The cravings kind of creeped in, but nothing too fancy. I meditated through the evening with a healthy stomach Overall the "The Brave Investigation Challenge" was a success. From binging on sweet stuff every evening basically, I managed to swap to healthy snacks and not eat so much - stop when satisfied. Most importantly it did not feel like I was doing something against my will anymore and I was more at peace with myself. Thank you for this experience, wonderful Life!

The Brave Investigation Challenge 5/6 Yesterday was a very exciting day. A whole new world opened up for me. My consciousness ventured into new territories revealing new, amazing possibilities. What is actually possible? I don't know. I have been greatly underestimating how important it is up to now. How many more believes do I have blocking me from seeing other amazing possibilities? With that stuff happening I almost forgot about my challenge. I had some sunflower seeds in the evening again, but somehow it brought no comfort and really no comfort was needed. I had a few "bites" and gave up. So it was a success again. I did not eat sugar or grains, that is maintaining my anti-fungal diet, and I did not binge in the evening, which was the purpose of the challenge. Good one, okulele!

@Joseph Maynor I think the video proves well that reality cannot be grasped by the mind. That is pretty powerful to be aware of.

Lying while pursuing Truth? Just like fucking for virginity. Maybe a thing you should focus on is having a very honest conversation with your mother where each side gets to express what they feel and gets to be listened to?

To-Do List Find the border between me and the world

@BobbyLowell You ARE good enough

The Brave Investigation Challenge 4/6 Yesterday was a success. I did not complete the challenge. I ended up eating in the evening and watching anime too, but it was a success nonetheless. Firstly, I ate no sugar. I ate some sunflower seeds and I feel good this morning. Secondly, I got a good look into the mechanics of what is going on with my addiction. What a strange evening it was! There was nothing for me to do, but watch lovingly the struggle between the addicted part of my mind and the determined to stop it part. I was no longer identified with either of them, I was not cheering for one. I was curious how it is going to turn out. In it turned out well. Not how I imagined it, but it turned out in the healthiest way possible I think. A consensus of a sort took place, and there was a peaceful situation inside of me. This allowed the process to be in the light of awareness and made it that more beneficial and healthy. Thank you! Thank you for the opportunity to go through this. I feel very grateful for my addiction, my struggle and all the confusion I am facing. Thank you, Universe!

The Boy Who Could Not Move "He's sitting scared, he's sitting frightened. Can't go forward, can't go backwards. Backwards - misery, backwards is safe. Forwards - beauty, forwards is death."