MisterMan

Thanks. We've mutually agreed that what we want are not aligned. I am realising dependancy on any outer worldy thing is not for me. Something she doesn't quite get. Despite the tears, i am amazed how peaceful, respectful and caring the process has been. We both deeply care about each other and will help each other transition/move forward(moving out etc) over the next couple months. I saw clearly yesterday the veil of defensive behavior i typically put up when difficult emotional states come up and how my operating under that premise did nothing to achieve what i really wanted. Was for her, and I to be happy. I can already see this as an extremely positive thing despite the heartrbeak and tears that will not be slowing down any time soon. I see the grief as a blessing, because i can penetrate the coneptions of grief and deal directly with the source. Which is no my partner, it is not anything out there. It is in me, something in me cares deeply about something and for that i am so grafeful.

I'd really appreciate any type of support, words of encouragement or advice about this as it's really tearing me apart inside. I have been so lucky to have met this wonderful woman for about 3 years and through her help i have been able to make some huge steps that i don't know if i would have been able to do on my own. I was living with my parents, my father had an undiagnosed mental condition, extreme anger issues and my mother has bipolar. So it was a rocky environment that through it all i found myself sedating myself on opiates and sleeping on the wood planks that your mattress lays on at night. Made no difference to me, i was out. So we met online and she was 33 and i 29. I wanted a partner and despite my descriptions of my life which was a mess i did have somethings figured out that she was looking for. Like emotional intelligence, compassion and i had a stable income as i own my own business as a tradie. After conversing the other night thought it seems she had met a few people and the qualifications they had financially was CEO type stuff so it hurts to think that maybe there was someone else she could have chosen that would have given her exactly what she wanted. Instead she chose me and has to live with the consequences. I am drowning in guilt. She was clear at the start, she wanted kids and marriage and wanted it in a few years as the biological clock was ticking if i didn't agree then she said there was no point in continuing this so i agreed as i genuinely wanted to be with her and i genuinely believed that 2 years was enough time and i'd be a different person by then. Moving to the beginning of this year, i had bought the ring and was set to propose this year as discussed and be married next year and have kids the year after. This year i ramped up my efforts to quitting where she has been super supportive of me in my efforts to quit and whilst not completely out of it i am on a very low dose of subutex and am stable. Although i couldn't just stop doing drugs as this was a byproduct of the thoughts and idea's that my awareness was and is attached to, acting out in this way. So through practicing meditation daily (apart from the last few days), smoking bud which i have found to be the most useful tool for self inquiry. Allowing me to go extremely deep into the ocean of my own subconscious. I become a rabbit effectively and start burrowing holes into my psyche, sometimes i get scared and just like alice in wonderland i look for ways out but everywhere are obstacles i am afraid of. I realise I'm running away and just stay with it. Very cathartic and really allows me to penetrate my barriers and be with the emotions that dictate my life. Also the occasional mushroom trip every couple of months. Through these processes it has become painful to discover that the values that are beginning to crystalise in me, are different to hers. Like telling her that there is value in letting go, she doesn't really get it. The next day, rinse and repeat the same problem which is frantically delivered and it is a stressful state she's holding her head and i think. Why are you doing this? I try to help but she has made up her mind. All this was very eye opening. Which is what led me to feel that this relationship was based on heavy obligation. I was doing this out of ought to for her sake and not mine and as a consequence I am drowning in guilt as i am undoubtedly responsible for wasting 3 years of her life. I see how different our views on living life are. I talk about liberating yourself from the fears of the future and the shackles of the past, the pain that holds you back and limits you in life. That is my goal. Hers is marriage and kids. She will do something that i will try to help her with and she's only interested in the bandaid solution of talking it out. Not inquiring the nature of worry or why you worry. So it's this never ending cycle that i want her to see it like i do and that would make things so much easier. Committing is a problem but not THE problem. I have desperately tried talking, conveying these things to her in the nature of the self and suffering and it's temporary nature. How the concepts we hold dear are reflections/representations of the actual things we held dear that are cloaked in "memory". Talking about the absurdity of it all and to her credit. She will listen and converse and for what it's worth i have sharpened my tongue with her. However none of it matters as she still holds the same mantra and it's becoming increasingly apparent that our modes of existence aren't for each other and it is killing us both. I started this with a real commitment to her, this was IT. I was going to make good on myself and her and it gave me great joy that i was her answer to life. She measures herself and her success in life to the marriage and kids parameter that most people abide to including her friends and things not going the way she wants is having a really negative effect on her and it's something that i consider staying just so she and I won't have to go through this. Fucking awakenings. I've heard about "spiritual kick backs" spoken by leo/allan watts and maybe this is it. My ego kicking back in anyway imaginable, as i have really no desire to meditate any more. It just seems to uncomfortable. I kind of want to stay in my shell, of what i know.

Going through a similar thing with a break up that has been surfaced through conciousness work,so my answer is going to be in line with what i'm going through but i feel there may be parallels in our experiences you may find useful. I think the need to move forward, using all the techniques that have been picked up on the way in self inquiry right now. I actually played this game, i had a rotten wisdom tooth taken out that was unbearably painful. Through the operation i meditated, observed my fear which i could not dispell so just observed the heart rate the thoughts going through. I'm going through a break up now or potentially, and there is ALOT of resistance in using any of the things i picked up. I kind of want to be comfortable and want things to revert back to the way it was. So, acceptance. I think is something that would be useful right now. How? Whatever techniques picked up could be useful. I'm going to post a thread about this in greater detail and would appreciate any kind of support on this as this the greatest source of suffering for me at the moment, becoming aware our values are shifting away from each other. I hope whatever it is you go through that you have the support you need, but most importantly that you find resources within yourself to support yourself. A friend of mine's Grand mother just passed. Their whole family is close and unlike me where my grandma was overseas in Poland when she passed it really rattled the whole family and my friend expressed to me joy of family reunion. With the harsh contrast of death he was able to clearly see define the value in life. It may be important to try and view these things holistically rather than separately. Using whatever you're going through to contrast your hardship with your values or even give them a good thorough examination.

fucken lol at leo, best teacher ever.

@Nahm Yeah, i think we got it . @Ibn Sina I agree. When Leo said "language creates reality", i guess you could say i'm in the process of extracting the juice of said statement. It seems to me there are 3 factors based on your post that contribute to us acnkowledging certain concepts as beliefs and others as knowledge. And that is purpose, not truth. We may be obsessed with truth but that is because of purpose we identify "truth" with. Which isn't the most stable and reliable pillar to base your whole understanding on. It's paradoxical, the self and truth. Being aware of a fictional character is going to do that It is very interesting because i am seeing just how dependant i have been and am on language and how it literally creates my reality. I made an observation about hinduism, bhuddism, christianity (jesus most likely resembled bhudda more than what we think now), western psychology and even magick. Reading between the lines it seems everyone is dealing with the same experience. In the world of magick which i admitedly know nothing about but have been able to observe that each practice preaches different words which are loaded with different meanings. Like of talking to a demon posessing you and rehabilitating him into the light sounds a lot like jungian psychology and integrating the shadow into your psyche, or bhuddist principle of there is no good and bad. My point is there are so many ways to practically be able to mirror these experiences and for them to have an impact but also completely change how you perceive the world! Using the words spirits and entities instead of feelings and emotions to frame your experience. Both sets of words loaded with different associations and meanings. My point is how completely dependant we are on the map to perceive reality and that how we discredit other practices when you read between the lines they are very very similar. Just different methods for same conclusions.

@Ibn Sina I would have to disagree there. Thoughts are symbolic by nature, like a mirror. It's like calling a reflection of a tree the actual tree it is reflecting. It isn't true, and by realising this. "Truth" becomes an abstraction.

Because the concept of peeing is is not the act of peeing and never will be.

Just thought i'd leave this here.

far out maaan

Seems like when you meditate, you know you're meant to just relax. But when doing something with a goal in mind it seems like you're more focused on the end product than the journey.

We are all God heads. I am God head. Like synapses firing through the senses..

I could never possibly understand how nothing exists.

Woah.

I remember being really high once, and for the first time i got to a place where i was afraid that i didn't exist, and from that thought it was able to point me to a frightening, but at the same time during the lead up i was able to understand what was going on being that it was my intention that day to have an ego death experience. It's just so incredibly hard doing sober, and the only path i'v been able to find is through fear. I need to find the fear to get across it, and that's what happened. I mean the build up was an intense thing for my body and mind, and right before it subsided a voice said to me, you must not try to be better. And i was in two places at once. I could see what was going on but it felt i was a visitor from another planet, like i was going back after this life. A real frightening detachment as it means saying good bye to everything you loved. It really is nothing. That's just such a terrifying idea for me. Why?

Well, Jordan Peterson is in Australia now. ahem, which is more i can say for....... someone

Theres always one. Your point doesn't exist either. It's a good analogy.

You're welcome:). Judging yourself is a sort of violence, contempt towards yourself and i do a lot. Although it's a known saying that an eye for an eye the world would go blind, but for whatever reason we don't seem to hold this value when we look inwardly. We cannot fight fire with fire in the "external" world, and the same applies with yourself, beating ourselves up about not doing the right is part of the cycle that keeps us doing the same thing. The only way to break the cycle is to love. Wether it's someone who has done you wrong and instead of retaliating and perpetuating the cycle of back and forth, you end it through compassion. When you catch yourself doing something and judge yourself negatively, then you catch yourself judging yourself negatively! The only way you can stop it is by being compassionate. Otherwise we then play out our preconditioned behaviors of evading the shame, unskillfully and the cycle continues.

I've been listening to allan watts and i am aware i am coming off more of a parrot than someone with that level of intellect but one thing i picked up was that he said that when you're in a play, the whole purpose of the play is not to play yourself, you're supposed to play the part, don't give it away. That sort of thing, so once you go there, liberation. That which cannot be said. You return into your persona and participate in the theatre with a deeper appreciation and are able to live it not holding anything back. because you know it's a play. Could it not be possible he is doing this?

Man, peterson, what a dong. Not like you or I. Peterson has discussed psychedelics in depth with Duncan Trussel and has had the same experiences. He has a self autorship program that helps you write what your thoughts of the past, and future was and will be. Basing it off that we are practically story tellers and base our identities and lives on the stories we tell ourselves. So listening to his stuff you kind of can deduct the subtext of his messages is that he knows this is all one big play and maybe he's just playing the part?

Yeah i've had a similar thing, but with joy, when i'm happy i catch myself and think am i really happy? I kind of stop myself. What i am coming to realise is that all your emotions are part of the parcel of the human experience, the trick is to feel them all. Go through the emotion to understand it's nature, not to simply detach yourself, that will come but you don't want to have "the tail wag the dog". Different steps for different people.

everything affects your brain. What is your point?

I love you leo. That is literally an in-house joke i do to my partner. Love the youtube revolution, we get to pick our own celebrities and role models.

much appreciated.

I absolutely love the new leo over the old and looking forward to a few years in the future. Considering he says he's still getting a solid understanding of psychedelics and wanting to become an authority of it. Cannot wait. Not that i hated "the old" him or anything.

Constantly seeking, unable completely to give or surrender emotionally into the moment.