MisterMan

Yeah i feel for you, can sympathise. I guess, realising that ultimately you depend on outer world circumstances (making friends) to give you something that you already have. Let's say for example you made a friend or two in a day. It is your very dependence on their friendship that then allows you to feel good about yourself, Feel worthy. What does that tell you than you need others to make you feel worthy? (not to judge yourself for it but to ask a potential hard question, to perhaps see the fallacy in this thinking) The truth is, Even though you not believe that. You give yourself permission because you have created a set of circumstances that you need to tick off until you feel more complete. And when you do, great! But because you are dependent on others for a sense of self worth. You are exactly that, always dependent on something that's out of your control. The truth is the one constant in this is you, not the friends ie the circumstance,as they will always change. Self compassion should be a pillar in which you should build the rest of your thinking on. Self compassion is more important than depending on others for compassion, as the compassion in you can go both ways. Dependence on others does very little for you. Depend on yourself, empower yourself. As ultimately you feel everything. You also bring every circumstance into existence by thinking it, since you are the creator in this sense it would seem silly to depend on these made up circumstances to bring you self worth. But don't take my word for it. As you are more likely to find your own answers that will help you a lot more than to depend on mine.

I did have the same confusion when reading that. I can see how Yeah i got the same thing. Got a culty vibe from that post? Like how people in scientology aren't allowed to speak to people on the outside including their own family members just to protect itself from members leaving. :)))

care to elaborate on how you're feeling?

The very fact that you are alive and have a desire to survive, Leo made a topic about this. A banana has a different meaning to us than to a dolphin. The same as if a city was to be hit by a meteorite, depending on which city you live in your would derive a different meaning from the impact, even though the meteorites have not changed, they have just are hitting a different place and not wiping you out. You cannot escape meaning as a person. So if you look through he perspective of a person, or subjectively hierarchy of values exist, wether you like it or not. That is how we communicating right now. These very same things through the objective lens hierarchical values don't exist. They are both one in the same, or is it one and the same? I'm not sure, but they are the same thing. I don't see what you mean when you say humans assign meanings to things though, if we exist and existence is emptiness and you say value comes from existence then??It's kinda still leading to the same thing that we derive meaning from that which has no meaning, which is...a meaning! And if you look at it from the objective viewpoint, where all values are equal (closest thing i can describe to nothingness and it's not wrong is it? I mean the values don't exist but the data in which we interpret things do), no hierachies of value ie no meaning, you derive a meaning of meaninglessness from that which has no meaning. It still very much seems like a paradox to me. But fair, i do see what you mean about fairness and objectivity and a leap that i may be taking (i'm still not sure). It's all a lot to take in and i'm just trying to make sense of it. Appreciate you testing it out.

How? Here is an example of a paradox. Existence and non existence, are the same thing. If you look at it through the subjective lens you see that we are beings that create stories, stories are based on hierarchies of values depending on where you are and want to go, but also at the same time if you operate from an objective viewpoint, the very same thing is of equal value to everything else. Meaning (oh strange loop, getting dizzy) existence and non existence are the same thing. It's crazy crazy stuff, from the objective viewpoint all values are equal to each other, hierarchies don't exist. To derive meaning from something that has no meaning should make your head explode.

Hey, first of all congratulations on making the decision to stop. Albeit it appearing it being a decision based on a necessity. Rock bottom is a great place to start because you can tap into a lot of determination! Whilst feeling shit, it's a great and potentially liberating place to be as you've finally said, ENOUGH! I'm going to sort my shit you. I couldn't be happier for you. I too am tapering of a drug. A government prescribed drug used to help quit harder opiates. Suboxone, In the last month i went from taking 12mg per day to taking 2. And about 2 weeks now but just 2 days ago i felt withdrawls, that i thought had subsided a long time ago where i believed my body had become used to it. I am still so confused as to why thats happened. But i digress. (i've only recently in the last year understood how to use that word in the right context), so lets get on with the digressing and digress shall we? Before I continue, this is a complete projection on my part onto what i understand about myself and addiction and trying to apply it to you may be helpful in most, some or no areas. I understand completely where you're coming from, I've had a few acid trips , mushy trips where it became clear as day that i fucking hated myself. I was shocked! Oh my god, i hate myself, a lot! What? I assume with these conciousness expanding drugs you become aware of the deepest of deep underwater ocean currents dictating the flow of thought and emotions that run your life. Not of the white water rapids up top, but bottom of the ocean currents. It's great that you finally know that! Love yourself, love love love your hate to death. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because the self hate that you experience exists a part of you that is holding onto that self hate because it thinks thats the only way you can improve, it's trying to help. How can you not be compassionate to that? This part of you is trying to help you! But like you said, the most twisted way possible It's a good thing you're looking within. I mean there are so many layers and things you can learn about your self afflicted condition :). Is it an attachment to an idea that isn't going the way you'd liked? Therefor attaching to something and that idea being under threat or danger causes suffering. Who knows which one, but whatever it is. It's still a misguided attempt at trying to help you the best way it thinks it can. it's up to you to take you by the hand, listen to him and be compassionate, because if it is that it's just a reaction to a deeper feeling. Hate/anger is usually something that covering another deeper emotion that you want even less to acknowledge and you do it by anger. The best advice is take a passion on wanting to understand yourself, with a reason why (and it can change, you're allowed to!) . Also with meditation it tells you to let go, not hold onto any form. So theres a lot of conflicting stuff like this, if you're holding onto an idea to help propell you forward but the letting go stuff and watching your thoughts is stuff you can practice to understand yourself more. So it is applicable. You're in a huge storm, there is no doubt about it. What helped me take the necessary steps to start tapering down was stuff like meditation. Daily, to now twice a day 15 minutes minimum. Whilst hard at the start, personally the story i was telling myself was if i don't meditate i will relapse. Meditation helps undo attachments the mind may have, and it really helps ease the urge to relapse. There is a need to openly commit to it, what helps me is that i need a new program to run on. The old one was not working, I was always searching for the next hit. I'm not lying i would eat apples and think "this should start kicking in in 15 minutes" even if i was healthy i just wanted self gratification. Instant gratification. Committing yourself to a different lifestyle isn't easy and this isn't my first time trying. 16 years of drug and alcohol abuse, you better believe you need meditation so you can start to understand who you really are and how your mind operates. There were days i have been crying, since i taper i notice looking forward to each dose daily can become a trap to re committing your mind to the pursuit of drugs and instant gratification. I guess, and i don't really have any nor know how to get it. But i acknowledge that i could use a little faith in believing that it does get better, because the main platform of my arguments to use was "i know drugs work for me NOW, with quitting i'm not so sure it will ever change". or "what does it matter, life doesnt matter, why do long run shit when i can be happy now isn't that the point of life" Sound great, romantic, but these thoughts were the pillars holding up the addiction program i was running. Ultimately without meditation we are just succeptible to any bodily sensation swaying our minds without our awarenes and without understanding of the true nature of thought and yourself. You are not your thoughts and that you can let go! It's not easy, or it can be it depends on you. Reading about your addiction and the pursuit of understanding yourself and how you relate with reality is something i've completely thrown myself into. At the start, you have all these self defeating thoughts like the one's you mentioned, i am like this because i feel dead inside. It may be true how you're feeling, but try not to let your self judgement propel you back into using. It is very important to be easy on yourself. Treat yourself as a pal, self compassion will become your new pillar to a new life. Admit where you are, you want to get better, meditate. Because this whilst difficult at the beginning can help you ground yourself, detach yourself from all the thoughts that dictate to you how dead you're feeling inside. Notice them and learn to stop identifying with them. Set a daily routine, that shy's away from your old one. Routines are powerful tools, one thing i learnt from an addiction book was addicts become just ass addicted to the "ceremony", the ritual of taking the drugs instead of just the drugs. Whatever ritual you do when using you're mind connects the ritual to taking drugs. Also when you're in two minds about taking drugs, and you finally decide to do it. It is common for the addict to misrepresent the ease of mind he has just experienced. As there is a dual of two minds within, you are battling with yourself, "do i take it" do i not take it". Once you make a decision it's easy to believe the peace of mind is attributed to the drug. When in fact it's just the process of ceasing to be in two minds about things. In other words you are no longer dualing or battling with yourself, you accept what you're doing (taking drugs) and a peace of mind follows to fill the vacuum. People think it's the drug and it re inforces their belief that what they've done the right choice. Addicts are full on people, you better believe you can throw yourself into anything you choose with the same intensity. Set yourself 30 minutes of reading per day. Books about bhuddism, self help, addiction etc. Educate yourself about yourself and your condition and know that you're doing it for compassion to yourself. Things can be really full on now and these powerful thoughts can and have derailed you in the past. You are going to have good days and bad days. The understanding and realisation that everything is fleeting. Your emotions albeit conceptually do no change, the state in which they arise and pass are not permanent, like all things they go away and others will arise in it's place. And you are not your thoughts. Going back to this understanding when i'm experiencing troubling emotions is very helpful to me. Empower yourself with empowering literature, right now you're doing the opposite, which is fine you need to go through it. Cold showers, good for you. Important to not get attached to feeling good especially. Because that will pass too, and what then? Start accepting the states that your addiction has been repressing. You're in the eye of the storm, and only you can get yourself out. Quoted this allan watts one already here but it fits the circumstance. "you don't know what you don't know, and won't know until you know it", Hilarious but very telling. You walk the path of knowledge alone. Experience-alone. There is a responsibility which exists that is tied into the core of your very being. You can't depend on anyone's information if you are not going to to do the work. Sorry about being all over the place. Hope this helped. Had nothing better to do so i boldenned a few things i thought were extra useful. You are starting a new life, and you need a new program! You need to consiously commit to doing new things that help you develop. Your routines can change, morph as does life, try not to judge yourself if you do not meet your expectations as that is another trap, remember? Self compassion! You're trying to implement new foundations (self love) on which you can form opinions and thought from. From my understanding until now it's been your foundation has been self hate and reacting to a reaction to a reaction of self hate. Self hate is your foundation. But i'm mostly talking about me (in everything i've mentioned). So It's super important to start trying to understand yourself, only then can YOU know exactly what you need. I can just point you to experience by symbols that represent the things that they are not (Thanks Leo- He said that in one of his video's) , Would love to hear how you continue to progress as time goes by.

I'm still grasping a lot of this stuff, whilst had some insights you forget, each time you gain more and more. I know i do not have a full grasp of this but i would like to try and explain an understanding that i have come to by connecting some dots. To see if this is at all related to what you guys are talking about and if so, how . Or how is it not? As it seems like there is a duality and non duality thing going on in there as well. Existence and non existence, are the same thing. If you look at it through the subjective lens you see that we are beings that create stories, stories are based on hierarchies of values depending on where you are and want to go, but also at the same time if you operate from an objective viewpoint, the very same thing is of equal value to everything else. Meaning (oh strange loop, getting dizzy) existence and non existence are the same thing. It's crazy crazy stuff, from the objective viewpoint all values are equal to each other, hierarchies don't exist. To derive meaning from something that has no meaning should make my head explode.

My interpretation of this video or what i got from it is that an ego death experience is something that can help you understand this on a much more experiential level. Let's say that the concept of a tree in your mind is a permanent form (which it is), the concept does not change. We use this as a map to define what we see out there. The permanent form of the concept "tree" in your mind does not truly reflect the impermanent nature of what we are labelling. Typically we aren't aware of the limitations of the labels. As the concept of a tree in your head does not change, we project this understanding of a tree onto the world. This does not truly reflect the impermanent nature of things and we build layer upon layer upon layer of misconceptions of the nature of reality over each other until what we have is closer to or just that. An illusion/hallucination. All thoughts and idea's don't truly reflect the nature of reality as they are all symbolic which like Leo said (thanks Leo (Y)), represents something that it is not. Using concepts and language as a map to convey and understand reality does not seem too plausible any more does it? Almost like we need to go beyond. An experiential source of understanding. Ground yourself in the moment, the hilarity of all this and this is where i believe wisdom to be a double edged sword, as you are using thinking to stop yourself from...thinking! Like bhuddist teachings say there are skillful and unskillful thoughts, how can you wield these thoughts to achieve liberation from attachment to all form. So thinking is good in this realm to help you understand what you need to do, but once you realise the person you thought you were doesn't exist as they are all just thoughts in the present. Or a memory of you, which is just a thought.... in the present! You can begin to detach yourself from that in which you identified with. And that's when things get interesting Hope this helped, obviously it is 100% tainted with my own experience so i could be off the mark as Allan Watts so hilariously and paradoxically said, "you don't know what you don't know and won't know until you know it" Regardless of anyone's explanations we all just project our own understandings onto the world. We can't attain new information until we know it for ourselves not when someone tells you about it because all you will do is refer to your inner body of knowledge which if it's new information won't be accessible to you.

thanks for getting me onto this, never knew about it

Hello. New here, and never knew there was a place where you could request idea's for video's, fantastic!. Originally i wanted to say how much i admire Leo but i'll leave that stuff at the bottom. This is long but i promise it'll make sense at the end as there is a bit of info that needs context in order for everything to fit in place with what i'm requesting. Terrence Mckenna suggested to smoke marijuana once every while and when you do go deep. This can act like a very introspective and powerful psychedelic. This has been something i have been making a habit of every fortnight and every time i get some deep insights, to the point i can see how people can misinterpret my experiences as a psychotic episode as your ego begins to dissolve if you don't know what's happening and have enough baggage the mind can weave any crazy story to the experience you're having. But i digress Leo, you beautiful son of a bitch. The experience i had was one of going through all of my emotions and perceiving my self to be splitted into fractions of my ego. This is always an intense and can be a frightening experience, my approach has always been to follow the fear which is terrifying. So i became aware of my angry self, scared self, arrogant self, etc. I felt very aware of all the sides of me and i began to be aware of sides of me wanting more time in the sun to be expressed which i was denying. So there was a process of letting it all out as my ego had appeared to be suppressing some feelings ( i have been addicted to drugs and am on a suboxone program now slowly weaning off so repressing emotions was my daily grind for over 16 years, i've been reading a lot about meditation and mindfulness and a lot of it resonated and made sense so i guess the next logical extension would be to stop repressing my feelings as it's literally one of the first things you need to tackle if you're taking this seriously) I went through different stages of intense or pure emotional states, like the ones mentioned above. After about 10 of these, the last one was LOVE. I felt as if a crack, a kink in my armor protecting this part of myself began to shine through which i assume was the mechanics of my ego that built up this defence which has completely locked my heart away. Don't love or be compassionate because it will hurt you. It wasn't much of a perceived crack, it was tiny, but it was profound, The love i felt was endless, infinite, no sense of fearing to love. The love just embraced everything and i cried, whimpering for hours and hours. It was a very beautiful and profound experience. I then began to see the statement "open your heart" which i had heard a lot i find in my life in a different light, as i was able to connect this experience to that phrase. So i looked it up. Surprisingly there is not a lot of information about opening your heart on the interenet. Not as much as I feel there should be. Before the emotional stages i experienced. I had initially become aware of how circumstantially dependant i was to be happy. How many hoops or stars that needed to be aligned for me to be happy and how ultimately wether they did or did not allign I was still the one designating/handing down props or punishment to myself based on....circumstance! Which did not make much sense to me at the time. All these boundaries and concepts that i had attached happiness or lack of felt completely baseless as they all ultimately felt as if they were the middle man selling me a product i already had , bah! I have no use for this! begone! I No longer felt the defensive reactions in me reflecting off one another creating a room of mirrrors (in constant conflict, with a set hierarchy of values). Rather you feel whole, everything is the same, it's you! There is a video of yours in question where you said you were meditating for 3 hours and then a bird started chirping which upset you but then you realised you were the bird, then the arbitrariness of all the partitions in your mind became apparent to you (what a brilliant way to explain it). I find your explanation to be the most on point explanation i have had so far of my experience. But it was hidden inside one of your duality video's so it wasn't the most accessible piece of information. Albeit it being very useful. Is it possible you could extend what you know about the mechanics of opening your heart in greater detail? Because like a lot of my insights i had not started meditating yet and it all fell into the past and the knowledge i had gained was but a memory, a shell of a memory that's core principles which enabled me to truly be compassionate dissapated as time passed. Are there any things we can do to regain insights we have made? I find language to be useful, but at this point i find myself using language as a type of breadcrumbs leading you back to true meaningful experience, but even then i can't seem to find the symbolic smurft village in the forest. No matter which breadcrumb trail i follow, it helps me gain more of an intellectual understanding but that's not enough to really transform my relationship with whatever it is we have relationships with. I hope you could make a full video about opening your heart, because ultimately this insight had led me to love unconditionally for a few days, without fear of being hurt and then being randomly compassionate to others felt great and free not as if i was doing it to contrast the "opposite" side of me. Now this feeling or perspective non existent and i feel nothing as opposed to feeling love that i thought was not humanly possible and that i've never experienced prior to this. I'm sorry if i wasn't clear enough, i have not had as much practice as you and admit you have inspired me by reflecting in me my own inability to properly express my insights. Which you probably are aware of if you have read this far If you ever tour international, i hope there are enough of us in Melbourne, Australia to make it worth your while. The below is just a short appreciation from my perspective of what you do. I can't express how much i value the content you put out. How you are able to articulate a lot of my psychedelic experiences that i just could not translate to words myself and actually thought it not possible! Yet you put forward all these idea's and concepts so succinctly, it put's me in a state of awe. I truly truly admire what you do, and this may be selective of me but i've perceived your video's becoming much more interesting and in depth after your psychedelic experiences that you shared on your channel which I am very grateful for. Partly being the reason that even the existential psychologist i go to isn't of much use when i come back to him with some of my psychedelic experiences which hugely impacted the direction or path i am on. It is frustrating as these substances should be considered as an essential and powerful tool in the western world of psychology to help us understand ourselves and how we relate to reality. We're not there yet but you're doing a great job of making this information so accessible to us laymen philosophers.

Come to Australia!