zasa joey

@see_on_see which type of meditation should i start with. mindfulness? or should i concentrate on breathing?

strong statement! we should all live like that or atleast aspire to.. life would be so much more peaceful, authentic and fulfilling.

and also, i really want to start meditating for last two years. im now even more motivated. i watched leos last video, and started doing concentration and plan to continue it, how should i implement meditation, self-inquiry etc. advices would be appreciated

guys thanks for your encouragement and kind words, i think my writing was stress reaction, but now i have overcome it, i feel great, i take my disease with acceptance and wont let it control my life. it gave me some insights and motivated me to live more in the moment and enjoy life while it lasts! cheers!

I have been diagnosed with GERD. does anyone experience this on forum? i feel like my life is over at the age of 19. basically, i have been suffering with heartburn for some years. i thought it was just the way it was and accepted it. turns out that this chronic heartburn over some time can cause serious complications: inflammation of the esophagus, narrowing of the esophagus which can cause difficulty swallowing and food getting stuck in the esophagus, and in rare cases esophageal cancer it causes chronic sore throat, bad breath, can cause chronic throat, even asthma and pneumonia. there is no cure for it. its a chronic condition. i wish only diet changes would be able to control symtoms and minimize damage and risk of complications, but as i am searching the internet im getting more and more depressed. people take medications for it for decades, over time even medications dont help, prolonged use can cause serious side-effects. i read that 5 to 7 percent of american population suffer from daily heartburn and also people in most cases develop it after age 50. why me? how can i cope with this? i feel devastated, im already preparing for my death. how many years will i live with this? who knows? maybe i will get esophageal cancer in 10 years? 20 years? maybe even 30. i feel like im dying, i cant sleep well anymore after diagnosis, i dont want to do anything anymore..... leo, kind people, someone. how can i cope. im suffering very much i feel like im breaking down on emotional level.

@Ike Carter i havent began meditating yet, procrastinating and little sceptical about it to. i want to start, but desire is not enough to actually take action it seems, not yet! but on the otherhand i spend whole days with my thoughts and emotions. isnt that kind of a meditation?

@Piotr thank you.

@Piotr thanks! thats really powerful.

@Mal nobody can fix me if im part of the problem man! i somehow have to reach conclusions myself. i really feel to my guts, like i should take time alone, stop relationships and cut ties with "my" friends. i really need to stay alone with myself and face it, even though every second of it will feel like hell. i feel like i will do that soon.

I have had these thoughts lately, and I want to let them out and just write them down. Man my life is so fucked up right now. I really want to live freely, effortlessly. Jeez, its so painful that I am such a coward, I am run by my fears, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem not by my authentic desires. Do you know why am I such a weakling and worthless? Because the reasons I feel like shit is because of other people. I let them control and dictate my life, my self-image and self-worth. I feel like a piece of shit , because I think that other people count me as a piece of shit, worthless, cowardly garbage and weak human being. My friends, jesus, im so tired of this everyday bullshit. They are always negative assholes, letting others down, criticizing, judging, insulting, stupid jokes, worthless people. I just really try to figure out what goes on in their minds but I cant get the reasons why are they so mean-spirited, selfish, cruel, unaccepting assholes! They have no capacity for love, sympathy, acceptance. They just cant fucking encourage, make others lives easier, they are making it a hell for me. They are burdening me everyday and I have become that. Fuck em! I just cant live up to their standarts, so what. I am what I am. Is that really hard to fucking grasp! I always feel inferior to everyone and everything because of them. Like im incomplete, not good enough, worthless. This pain is too much. I want to show them that rage is hiding inside me, that I have balls and courage. But as they are doubting me so much, I have begun to doubt myself more and more. I have lost my face, I have lost “me” its just mixed and connected with them. So what if I get them the fuck out of my life! Its too late already, I will never be confident in myself again, I will never love myself, accept myself, consider myself “good enough”, perfectly imperfect. Whats my problem? Most of the people I know, everyone likes me, enjoys spending time with me,is respectful towards me, and I feel relieved while spending time with others. But its my close friends that are fucking up my life and making me miserable. I swear to god, I would murder them without blinking an eye, if I had balls to do so! Is the joy and tranquillity I dream of, that I remember from so long ago when I was very small, all just the delusion of a sick mind? Is there really such thing as a fate to suffer so carved in permanence that there is nothing I can do to change it? I want to just wake up in the morning and feel joy over nothing except my own existence. That is the feeling I am desperately seeking, I think unfortunately its just as beautiful a dream as a heaven of afterlife.

Here we go, hope you enjoy. People, all so different and all so similar. everyone tries to find out how would life be better for them. how can they be happy, fullfilled, protected, self-realized. we all create models, systems in our minds. some of us have pessimistic outlook on the world, some of us feel positive about life. evereyone has their own way and yet how should the thing we call life be lived? many people have tried to answer these questions, but heaven in theory has turned out hell in practice many times over. its impossible to create heaven, utopia on earth and it would be pretty pointless if it were possible. if there dont exist problems, pain, suffering, goals, motives, everything loses its meaning. we will rot and decompose. no! we dont want a system created by someone promising salvation, we dont want magic pills. well what is left then? well the answer is quite simple, its what every human being desires: to be happy, fulfilled, graceful, best versions of themselves. so all of us should start looking for these things inside. create your own values, principles, follow your heart and desires. is it very hard to do so?! but no, its so hard for us, extremely hard indeed. we gotta realize that we arent immortals, there is no god who sits above loves us and will change the world and its laws for us. come on already, everything is so simple and genial, yet we overcomplicate this, come on break your shells already. think about this world, the reality make yourself and other people your main priorities. you gotta stand above your upbringing, society, dogmas, religions, culture. I know you can. all of you live with your values. and dont give a shit about the rest. listen to the music of life and dance... play, this life isnt anything serious, its absurd so do your time while you can. so you can either cut your veins or go out their and raise hell. put your 100 percent and soul in everything and never back down. you only live once so go fucking die! there are thousand ways to do so but the end is the same for all of us. so what do you want? to live as long as you can? do you want to pickle? oo well, i can imagine our deathbed so clearly. when we will be left all alone with ourselves. where will our religions be then? dogmas? social status? and then you will feel unimaginable pain that you have never truly lived. you could have but you never did. you wont leave anything behind. your death will just be a statistic. and then you will say oooh how i wish to be born again... i would do everything differently, just one more chance. but you know what. we would do everything in the same way again, because we are stupid and all of these which i have written above is just an utopia. so just nevermind. p.s anyway i have written so much and heres my point. just dont lie to yourselves. live your life so as your actions and behaviours are reflections of your real inner feelings, thoughts and desires.

So basically, i know already that i should (not the moral one) follow my desires, and i have a desire to be more confident, have a higher-self esteem, accept reality and myself. so i think that i "should" be more confident, corageous, compassionate, accepting. so should i drop them or not?

@MartineF thank you for this.

@ExitDone Had the same problem, then one day i snapped and just beat the shit out of guy who was making fun of me. my confidence grew after that, i was in a rage mode during that period and if someone said something insulting i was always ready to start a fight. now it has passed, and sometimes i have fears like you, but i know that if something happens actually i will stand up for myself. like you know if you get beaten, you will get more self-confidence, you will find out that your not made of glass, so what you were beaten, at least you stood up for yourself. Think of it like this, you may get beaten, but at least you will take it like a man, and after you get beaten, you will come back stronger and more tougher.

@Extreme Z7 thank you but i already know abot enlightenment and meditation. i have started meditating then give up after two weeks, trying to grasp the nothingness and no realization happens. it just seems pointless...