Aquarius

Ohh I see.. right. I will try.

@IAmTheHolySpirit I'm wondering. If thoughts arise anyway, and feelings too, why not choose the best ones to fill my mind? Or just let go of all the delusion and create a good life with the best tools?

@IAmTheHolySpirit Yes. Thank you.

@IAmTheHolySpirit I found that silence to be non-nothing in one of my meditation sessions. Everything disappeared, even ego and there is was, pure emptiness and silence. I became aware of it the first time in my life. It was about a month ago. I was praying a lot back then, for other people and people in general including me. And I was shown that emptiness. I kept getting confused by good and bad. I never believed in good or bad, but deep inside in my subconscious I had it buried. It came up and I had to work through it. Like most traumas that come up. Beautiful read, thank you. Just what I needed. I don't think I have any questions, other than wanting to discuss it more deeply maybe with you. <3

You seem really wise. Sorry for misunderstanding your intentions. I will be more careful next time.

@IAmTheHolySpirit I'm sorry dude, I might have been a bit less understanding you did deserve. I'm trying to read it in a slower manner. It really does help, I was skeptic because you wrote the comment so fast. I actually feel honored that you wrote this first message to me today. Sorry to attack you on the other post, I meant no harm. Didn't expect you will be angry. So this first part of your message says, I am the source of Love. Yes, it's easier to let go of everything right now that I'm not really holding to anything. You say I am that higher force. Am I God? Or what is meant here?

Iteresting take on it, I actually interpreted it differenly. Now I see what it means. I didn't mean to attack you in any way, I'm grateful for your willing to help and share that long message with me, I will try and read it again more carefully. It's just confusing. I'm in a shitty place in my life. Thanks.

@IAmTheHolySpirit Yes, I might have delusions as of now. And I'm trying to find my way out of delusion and being lost. Mostly I'm lost because I'm young. I actually felt you didn't read my messages. I didn't say the message you copy-pasted to me was bad or anything, but it didn't really have anything to do with it. IT wasn't the solution to my problem. I would've appreciated a written text from you actually acknowledging me and my problems. Are you saying my problems are an illusion? So I should just stop believing I'm lost, then I'm found? The guidelines are against spam or stuff like that. I just recommended it you don't do it further because you can get kicked out. It was a friendly advice yet you take it as an attack. You can do as you wish, I don't have anything with you or against you. And if I disagree with something you wrote then I'm a troll? I read it through in a fast-paced manner and it had nothing that helped me. I'm sorry. I would've appreciated more empathy, sympathy than just you copying a pre-written text.

@charles1 Hi! I'm having the exact same problem. It's giving me an existential crisis. I don't wanna fall into traps or wormholes along the way but I'm really vulnerable. I used to have a set belief system, but now I'm all about open-mindedness cause I believe in nothing. I think to get a little bit of truth or perspective, you have to study all kinds of videos and books about many topics. Study something, then study the opposing view. You gained two perspectives this way. You'll feel closer to a subject than another, but that's just an emotional response. Maybe a passion coming up, but also maybe being manipulated into believing this. Religion, cults.. they do this, knowingly. I'm also kinda lost right now guys, so please any advice,? I'm following.

@IAmTheHolySpirit I recommend not copy pasting this message a thousand times because Leo doesn't like spam. Just write it in a blog post and attach it to your signature.. You could write a unique comment to everyone, not just spam people with a message you want to bring forth. You're not helping.

@IAmTheHolySpirit Thanks for the comment. I was expecting to see you reply. How did you write that so fast? Or did you just copy your essay to help me? I appreciate it though. You seem to bring more beliefs and more dogma to me. Would you tell the same to a Hindu or a Muslim? That Jesus will come and save them? I don't even believe in any presence or anything you talk about, I don't believe in anything. And it's frustrating. I gave up certain beliefs I held dear to me because I did so much with horoscope and tarot cards and now they are gone, because I don't trust them. Maybe I need a mentor of some sort, who knows well about cards and all those things. Or else I'm just skeptic about them working the way they intend to work. Christianity just makes me very depressed, it takes away all that I love. The same as skepticism, but this time with emotionally manipulating me into leaving everything because only then is God happy. Why can't I both believe in God and find happiness in the tools I use? Most people who use crystal work or healing work are very close to God. Same to people who do darker work. They are also close to God. Christianity is just a path. Exoteric rules are almost the opposite of their esoteric knowledge. Normal, outside folk aren't initiated into the secrets of the church. Just some things that were on my mind. Don't take offence please.

My art YouTube, yes I will continue that. I was talking about my YouTube where I claimed to be an earth-angel and all that stuff. I wish to see life from a differemt perspective and read more before I open my mouth like that. Bring in real value. Thanks for appreciating my art, yes, I will continue doing art. Don't know when.

@egoeimai ❤❤❤ @Elton that would be a good solution, thanks @LastThursday i did have a daily routine but people dismissed it as being unnecesary and that I might get stuck because of it. I will try picking it up again. Very helpful solutions, thanks You guys can see my growth on my journal here on actualized

I looked back to the threads I posted on this forum to find a pattern I keep doing and realise why I am unsuccessful in life. My findings were mistakes I did over and over again. In the beginning... guilt trips from Christianity and from being a "martyr" relationship problems from being too nice and accepting failing to date someone else than my first date procrastinating by listening to music as a coping mechanism or to keep myself away from confrontation Few years ago... choosing toxic dating partners unable to choose path on my own (keep asking questions on actualized about everything) refusing to take my medication always being led, never lead I tried to change... opening up to new people going to the gym finding meaning trying to learn new things extremisms due to corona.... dabbling in the black arts and satanism too many hobbies, exhausting myself, getting a breakdown too open sexually to anyone risking my relationship to sexual encounters calming down finally...(now) being more organised reading things that interest me creating art opening my real eyes to truth being vulnerable to old traps, trying to find the best way These are my honest findings about myself and what I did. Why do I lack success? I don't even know what I want. I'm so lost! I also did the things on my list many times and not always in the same order or same timeline. These are patterns not something that happened once. Each pattern is important. Each dot represents one pattern. I think I should let go of negative patterns and come to positive patterns. I didn't realise I was subject to these patterns. I just looked back at my posts history and it was all painfully there. Some patterns present right now: guilt trips from Christianity unable to choose a path on my own being more organised reading things that interest me creating art opening my real eyes to truth being vulnerable to old traps, trying to find the best way I feel like I had some success in "deleting" some patterns from my life. Some patterns came back, like being a Christian again and suffering because I cannot choose things on my own, it's like I have to follow a way. In a sense that could be the resolution to the way I cannot find my way to a better life, I could easily go down the Christian path but with more healthy set of eyes and vision??? I think?? Why do I have no success in career? Maybe because I know nothing about career? I remember when I prayed for guidance and money, I made lots of money with my art. I just really wanted it so it happened. I keep thinking.... am I too harsh with myself with Christianity? I could find a better way more easily if I gave up Christianity and I just believed in God? I know God is not Christian, I just view God from the Christian perspective. Any time I asked for something it was given within days. But also because of my own work. God helps you if you help yourself, there is a proverb. For my career I was thinking about writing and art. But I'm so lost, I don't know where to continue. I used to do character design, but even my art teacher doesn't know what that is. And she said what is trendy right now in my town or my country is portraits, caricatures, paintings... classic stuff. So far away from what I do. And I'd probably get paid for something like 3D design. Well... I have no experience in either 3D design or oil painting. I only design characters 2D. And even at that I suck. In writing I'm thinking writing history, philosophy, mysticism etc. For some newspapers that publish that kinds of things. Where do I even begin? Learning? What do I learn..? I need a mentor or coach maybe. Idk. I tried psychologist but they aren't life coach. They just dismiss my way of being for something worse. I don't think that's the therapy I need. I feel there's lots of devilry in psychologist cabinets. I'm finding my way, and they think I'm being too harsh on myself. Well hello? That's what my life depends on. I don't even know how should've I formulated this whole post, maybe I won't even get a reply. Maybe when I feel better I will rewrite this post, maybe later, maybe other day,

So I recently entered Turquoise after being in Yellow for a long time now. I view my relationship differently now...so do I the World, so do I the people, etc. So right now I am maybe 40% Turquoise, 40% Yellow, 20% Green. My loving boyfriend is stage Blue. ~ 60% Blue, 40% Orange. He is loving, kind, quiet and a good Christian believer in God. We get along well. I would like to present an analysis of our relationship because it's really interesting. Love and intimacy: My boyfriend's primary love language is action. Mine is kind words. We both communicate very well. He always surprises me with new job opportunities (I never asked him.. he just intuitively likes to help me and I am grateful.) As a Blue, he values hard work and community, and he desires me to be part of a larger community and society. As a Turquoise and an introvert I love alone time, Being, meditation, and my freelance job as a digital artist, but I cannot be financially independent if I don't work more.. which means more than 10 hours a day. Marketing included, it's a lot of work...trust me. And I need to meditate all the time or I lose touch with my Inner Being and infinite peace. Also I procrastinated while in SD Yellow because I love ideas and facts and reading... My mind is kinda scattered, I love knowledge, mysticism, I need intellectual stimulation nonstop. I want to be a psychologist but I don't have Bacalaureat diploma ( also because mind scattered), so I cannot apply to University yet. I like to show my love by communicating spiritual Truths and awakening him to Truth. He likes to listen to my ideas and finds me very interesting (He is Gemini Sun and Gemini Moon(?) I think). I am Aquarius Sun - Scorpio Moon. Our activities together include: - Listening to subliminal videos (quarantine beauty yeeeeesss! ) - Talking on the phone for long hours - Before quarantine we used to hike in the mountains and cuddle in the grass - Discussing politics, religion, God - Strengthening our bond, planning business ideas together He shows his love by actions. So he looks for jobs for me, for after the quarantine. I speak 5 languages to we are thinking translation job. We live in a small city and I never worked, apart from delivering newspaper. (I was stage Green.. unhealthy af :c ) ... Communication + Interests: As a Blue-Orange he likes history, nationality, culture, books, religion, money-making ideas, phone-games, movies, scary videos and paranormal, youtube, technology, science, arguments and debates. I try to elevate him to Orange-Green by teaching him about money, gym, business, marketing, technology, self-help, self-development, environment, government, and showing him veganism, compassion, empathy, self-care and subliminal / binaural audio (very Green! I'm passionate about subliminals. ^^ ) As an emerging Turquoise, my current interests are: subliminals, mantras, meditation, music, dancing, singing, creating, inspiring, helping others grow, helping others heal, reading and studying spiritual material and @Leo Gura 's material, sharing love, communicating, Being, Truth, healing myself, finding valuable friendships, experiencing bliss, exploring reality/other realities, feeling energies, developing psychic abilities and healing abilities, abundance mindset, forever growing, infinite love and gratitude, self-development, connection with God. As you can see a Turquoise thinks very differently than a Blue. But they do not contradict. In fact, Tier 2 can befriend anyone and help them grow. I know my list sounds sounds a tad bit airy-fairy, but it's more practical than you think! ^^ I am a goal oriented person. You can ask me anything btw.. ^^ So our communication and things we do together is mostly me helping him grow to my level. Personality: As a healthy Blue he is: serious, calm, collected, smart, independent, God-fearing, helpful, funny, optimistic, loving, kind partner, nice to people. As a Turquoise I am: playful, happy, calm, conscious, understanding, empathic, psychic, spiritual, positive, helpful, infinitely and unconditionally loving, also nice to people and other beings. We make a good couple. Sex: As a Blue/Orange, he views sex as a means to connect to his lover and strenghten the bond (Blue/Green), and an activity that feels good and that makes him a REAL MAN, as he said with his own words (lowkey Orange?). He is a very simple minded man haha. As an emerging Turquoise, for me sex is an expression of Love and connection. I can also use it for altered states of consciousness. I do not crave sex, I have low sex drive.. I channel sexual energy into creativity and physical energy most of the time. What do you guys think? Anything else you want to know about this unusual spiral combination?

@Consept I saw the post and yes it's a nice post. I did think it through, I remembered it in my work through more success. Or my trials on success. I'm not defending anything anymore. There is nothing to defend. And I'm probably not even Turquoise on the spiral. I learnt a lot about myself recently, I might post something that I wanted to say and ask advice about. The thing is I am more realistic nowadays. I think my manic episodes fueled this thread and it might have seemed like I'm such a great example, but in reality and embodiment I'm still a 0 (zero). So just going forward more humbly now.

@mmKay I'm also 22 and I wanna try the stuff you tried. Although nowadays I'm more focused on career and success.

@Lyubov I write my thoughts out in OpenOffice like I would in a normal notebook. You obviously have better ways of mapping out your thoughts, but I feel simplicity is the best way. Also having something private just for yourself that you don't share with people on actualized can be helpful. Because you might not want everyone to know about intimate stuff that you might feel like writing about. @Insightful27 I would say reading, writing and making art. You already mentioned reading. I also recommend reading other stuff than just self development. Goodreads is a good website to choose the things you like. People review the books so you know what you might get if you buy them. And there are reader communities. Maybe invest in a Kindle if you haven't yet and become a frequent reader of all sorts of stuff. Knowledge is very one-sided if you only look at the world through the lens of self-development. I remember Leo had an episode where he also mentioned reading history, philosophy, literature (althogh he wasn't a big fan of it), and other topics like those. You will need them if you want to become wise in life. Some literature is more healing than any self help book, especially classics.

Also comes to mind.. why not invest it all in your higher education? Choose a field that interests you and go and learn something. Seems more responsible from a 25 years old grown man than some games...

Umm wait. If you don't have responsibilities, where do you have the money from? Even a job is a responsibility.. Do you do anything with your life? Did you earn that money or did it fall into your lap? Perhaps rich parents? Ever think about investing the whole thing into bettering your life, like good diet or healthy living, books, seminars, anything? I know hobbies can be like that, my father spent his entire life on cars, he owned over 200 cars, maybe more all his life. The consequence? He lost his family, or at least me and my mother. Things to think about... Hobbies are important, yes. I would definitely invest in building a computer, but maybe 1k, not all 5k.. that money is a lot and you would regret it. I have to agree with Leo, good luck in life.. you'll need that luck if this is something that makes you think. If I had that amount of money, I wouldn't even know where to invest it. Because you may come from a better background, but maybe once you find yourself in life where you would be happy with even 10$ for food.. if you spend money like that. If you have 5k and 5k only... you could at least put away 1k from it, if you decide with nr 1.... you never know when a "rainy day" or worse day comes when you'll need it. Be smart with money, don't just spend it like a little child, you're 25 dammit...

I felt better, for a short period, but it's harder in my current situation right now. Meat cravings came back after a while and I felt malnourished every time I ate or tried to eat vegan. Maybe it's just not for me. I don't feel cruel for that. Not in my situation I find myself now, of being jobless and depending on the family I grew in more so now than ever. There must be a way out of the maze..

Thank you @rlc. I respect your diet and your bravery in coming out about your diet in a vegan based community like actualized. I feel most people here try to be more conscious so they choose that diet. I just try to survive from one day to another. I eat a lot of healthy delicious food my family makes, but I also am guilty for eating tons of pig fat. It helps a lot, and I think it was the reason I grew taller, or at least that's how I heard from friends. I am about 180 right now, when a year ago I was 175. I think gym life also helped. For a girl being tall is not that important, but I thought I'd mention. For science lol. Yes, I need to forget about this whole meat vs plant based drama. I have problems with my LP. I bought Leo's book list but didn't buy the LP. Sincerely I cannot afford it, and I already know what my top choices are and why. And my life is simply not that easy right now. Also where I live, idk how much the LP course is, but if it's about 150$ that's a whole monthly living for us, me and my family, and most middle class families here. So I'm just going on the path(s) that I've always done and known, with more dedication right now as time is short for me and I'm having many stuff going on nowadays.

Thanks, @Roy. It's really a more complex thing than it seems. Yes, my body needs nutrition, but I'm not yet financially independent to choose my own diet. I simply accept what is given by my parents. By parents I mean single-parent family. I tried to ask them to help me become vegan, but I don't feel like forcing diets on them that they simply consider as stupid or outrageous. I will take care of myself and my own diet when I am independent. Till then, threads like these seem just something that make me even sadder than I cannot do anything about it now. We all should be our own best judges in each situation we live in.

I know well of this thing, as I myself had an internet friend whom worked in such place, yet he was vegan. He talked about how they treat the animals and how disgusting it is. I think that's the reason why he went vegan. Poor men/women. They must really need that job is they continue to slave about. I know for a fact that some people do seriously shitty jobs just because they don't have money. They even leave their countries for a job opportunity, and once they're inside that place, they can't quit, because they have a family to feed. I don't even have a job so I can only empathize with these people. I know how easy it is for me, and how easy it always was. If I was rich I'd probably never buy meat. Even if I was just somewhat independent, I wouldn't have the same diet as now. My body feels like it needs all that stuff right now, but I'm disgusted of what there is around. I'd probably choose from places that are known for animal safety or good animal treatment, if I ever needed the meat or eggs back in my diet. Or simply buy from local farms and local people that grow their own food. We do have that thing. There are still people who live in villages who come and sell their own eggs or milk, and vegetables to my city. Those people are really valuable to me. Some of us yes, we do know about all this stuff, here in my community. My ex knew these things, he told me about it. Yet he kept buying it, because he grew up on that diet, or never tried an alternative. I don't know about him. Maybe he stopped caring because he has a family to grow now. Us, here, can only afford to care for ourselves, because it's a cruel world. It's full of cruelties. I'm glad I can afford food, through my caring loving family, I don't afford to think about other people. I'm in a weird place in my life where I am being taken care of, yet I have to think of my future and how I'm going to solve my financial stability and bring "bread" to the table. I cannot get lost in thoughts like these, but I know these realities exist for some of us, unfortunately. I don't know the solution to these problems, that those people have. Maybe they should start a riot, nationwide or internationwide. Maybe they will. I don't know. It's hard going alone against the system. And I'm happy when I see local vegans. I really am. In bigger cities veganism is a real thing they have and they do. Maybe I'll get there in this life, if I'm clever enough. Maybe I'll get on their level. I'm not yet there, friend, not yet there. But once maybe I can be vegan. When I wrote this original post I had a vegan period in my life when I refused meat. Yet, meat was bought, even for me. Because I'm not the head of the family who thinks about these stuff. I'm just a child, in a sense. No one comes to me for advice on diet or anything. I don't bring bread to the table, yet. I hope you empathize with me too, @Serotoninluv... We all have our own problems in this world. Individual and collective problems.

@JessiChell Thanks Jessi. I was glad to read your post. I am not denying that it's possible to be vegan and healthy. I just couldn't do it myself. Where I am living it is a harder system, and I'm not even financially independent. I'm actually happy I have food on my table. Veganism seems a type of luxury I will only afford if I become a wealthy artist! I don't even get money flowing these months from my own work. Right now I'm trying to be real with myself and my life. Face the things I didn't face. I'm so grateful and lucky for my family! I live with my mom and her family, if I lived with dad, I could eat just shitty junk that he does, and couldn't even afford the IDEA of becoming a vegan! He would've beaten me up if I said so in my teens. I'm living through countless dramas and smaller arguments every day in my mom's family, and they are not open to vegan diet. I'm not adding to the pile of small arguments. I told them I want to be on my own, and just eat what I make for myself. Or buy for myself. But I have no own money since I just had a recent breakdown, mentally, and now I need their care and supervision reaching for a long time in the future. I even given up the idea of living alone. I could not afford it. I would have to work. And in my town the only work is factory based. Slave work, in a sense.. Unless I become more intelligent and outsmart all these people working as slaves, and become better at my art or my writing. I can do that! I know English. Most people here don't. I know politics, I know environment, I know art, I know history, I'm a read person, I could work towards a better life for myself. Which takes years of dedication and hard work every day. What have I done today to work towards it? Read some sci-fi and worked on some nature study type of art. I'm not even the most read or in any way influential. I don't even have friends who could help me become vegan. Cause I have no friends. Ouch. And only when on my own and financially stable and independent, can I afford such a diet as veganism. Because I could never convince my family of that diet. They would never give up anything that is meat based. It's not in trend here as in America. People find it weird and outlandish. Only artists like me think of stuff like that. We are more open-minded. I respect what you do @JessiChell . I really do. I look up to strong females like you. I will remember this thread when I will have money or opportunities to become vegan, but for now, I stay calm and chill out to any guilt-trips. They don't work. Ayyyyyyy Not all the doctors know everything. Most don't even know things right, and got there where they are by money or time invested. Some procedures that certain so called "doctors" used on me were less useful than the stuff I watched or listened to on YouTube. Like hypnosis, meditation, subliminal, binaural, frequency, quantum field healing, energetically programmed healing audio, spells, etc. And those things on YouTube were free, not costing thousands of dollars or euro. Sure, I bought some healing audio at a time of my life when it was needed, but it cost like 2-3 dollars not hundreds. And in the end you realise there was nothing wrong with you, you just convinced yourself that there was something missing or messed up. OR at least that was with me. I seemed very hard to heal.. but only because there was nothing to heal, I had simple human problems that needed listening from a friend or a family member, but back then I didn't have anyone by my side. Long story short, be grateful for your friends and families. They are more important than you think. Sometimes they replace psychologists and doctors. I learned the hard way.