Elzhi

Who am I? My name is E. Is that true? What is a name? A sound that comes out of your mouth, a word written on a paper? I'm 22 years old. A year is a social construct. I also cannot recall the first six years of my life. Do they exist then? Time is only relative. Is there any real way of telling how old I am? The idea of age is a social construct. I could very well be 100 years old, 200 years old, according to me. The idea of a year has no real meaning outside of social convention. Am I 22 years old? Maybe. There's no real way of telling. I am African. If all the continents were once a single continent called Pangea, then am I really African? Are we all African? Are we all Pangean. Is there any real difference between where I'm from and where another person is from? Different landforms, climate, weather, organisms, skin color. The concept of "African" is still an artificial construct. What if Africa was instead called England? I guess I would be English then I'm looking at a computer screen. Who is looking at the screen? The body. But I'm not the body. Who is this creature who is pressing keys on this device? If that isn't me...then who controls the creature? Does the infinite field control the creature? Does the creature control itself? What if the creature is being controlled by an unknown entity somewhere outside human perception? I'm very smart. I'm smart because I know many things and can recite knowledge. Much knowledge is false knowledge. If all knowledge is inherently false because it exists only within an artificial system, then do I really know anything. Am I smart? I'm tall. But only relative to people who are short. If everyone was the same height as me, would I still be tall? I'm good looking. My facial features are meet the societal criteria for what is considered attractive. But only society decided that I'm good looking. What if society decided instead that all the people that are considered ugly are now considered good looking. Good looks are based on subjective perceptions. What is considered good looking is also backed by mathematical and scientific data. Math and science are also societal constructs. I'm not good looking...or maybe I am. neither is true I was born in July of 1994. Why? because my birth certificate says so. A birth certificate is only a piece of paper. I cannot recall my actual birth so how could I possibly know this is true. Time is still relative. What if it's all made up? What if I was never born? What if I was always here. What if the true self is the watcher who decided to watch over my life when I "5 years old" but is also the same watcher who watched over another person's life until that body disintigrated? If I'm the watcher, the infinite field, then did I ever die? Have I ever died? When did I come to existence? Was I ever born? Where does the infinite field come from? I'm a human being on earth. What's a human being? How can I possibly know that I'm on "Earth" if I've never seen the Earth for myself, aside from television. What if it's all a facade? What if there is no earth and everything is a simulation? What if my life is a television show that space aliens are watching for entertainment? Science grants us many laws which are backed by empirical evidence. Gravity is real. Yet gravity does not exist in outer space. Why does gravity exist? Only to ensure human survival? Is there a God or great architect who ensures these laws of the universe are in place? How can I be certain that there is a Universe? How can I be certain that there was a shooting in Louisiana? I wasn't there to witness it. What if that's part of the humor of the simulation/show that I'm a part of. What if none of those things even happened? Even if I was there, does that make it "real". Probably. But it could also very well be a dream. Am I even awake now? What if I've always been asleep and my entire life has been a dream and when I dream, I'm having a dream inside of another. If the body dies, does that mean that I wake up permanently. How would I know that isn't another dream? Is everything dream? How can I ever know what is real and what isn't. Maybe nothing is real. I am good with girls because I can have sex with them? Does that make me "good with girls"? Where are these girls now? None of them are currently part of my life? Did they ever really exist or did I dream them up? Their presence felt real. The sex felt real. Is there any way of knowing whether they were androids or not? Were these girls "human" or were they aliens. Is the creature who is pressing keys on this device a "human". Am I also an android? Am I a simulation? Am I in a videogame? What would be the goal? Does it need one? Nothing NEEDS a point or an outcome. My mom just called me an hour or two ago. But did she really? Who is "my mom" a woman who somewhat resembles me and gave birth to me. i also carry her blood as well as my fathers. Is there any way of knowing this is true? How can I be certain that another woman in the family didn't give birth to me instead? Was I ever even born? Is my mom also an android? Is she just a simulation? What if I'm in a movie. What if the world never actually existed before I became conscious? I have friends. My friends live about a mile and a half away. Another social construct. Relativity. How do I know that my friends exist? I can see them? The creature can see them and interact with them. But if I'm the field of awareness then are my friends anything like me. If the creature interacts with these people and they are within the infinite field, then could they possibly be imaginary? Especially if there's no way of telling what's reality and what isn't? I must be successful. Why? Society says so. My mother says so. My family says so. Self-help gurus say so. Why is that important? It's important for survival. If i don't need my family or society's approval to survive, do I need to be successful? What does it mean to be successful? Lots of money? happiness? a big house? a big family? There's no clear definition. Why do I want success? I don't truly want success, I want approval. Why? Approval ensures survival. Why do I want to survive? I fear death. Why? There's no way of knowing what follows. But if I'm dead already, it won't matter.

Also, the people who go and attack other Youtube channels are doing the complete opposite of what Leo would advocate. That's a very "ego-driven" response. It's literally a your-perspective-differs-from-mine-so-i-will-now-attack-you response. If anyone is starting a cult because of Leo, that's their own fucking fault. They're literally doing the exact opposite of what Leo teaches which is completely buying into one belief system or guru. Leo talks about transcending the ego, being a skeptic, etc. and yet look at people's behavior...

I think that there's a distinction that needs to be made between "trusting" and blindly following whatever a person says. I don't blindly follow or agree with anything any teacher, including Leo, has to say but I have enough trust in him to be open to his opinions and to at least attempt to implement some of his teachings I don't by any means put complete trust in any person or institution and based on Leo's content, he would say the same. Leo DOESN'T want me, you or anyone else to completely trust him. Leo consistently demonstrates a sense of integrity, humility, honesty and open-mindedness that is rare among teachers. That's why we should at least hear him out.

I've been noticing this recurring looming dark/negative energy arising the longer I stay in the present moment. I've watched Leo's video about the dark side of meditation but the thing is that this dark energy feels like it's emanating outside of me rather than from within me. I feel anger arise sometimes through meditation but this is different. I just get the sense that there's a lot of darkness in the Universe. Am I imagining this? Is this all in my head? Is the negative energy coming from me even though I think its coming from outside of me? Any help in understanding this would be appreciated.

what is your experience with lucid dreaming? can lucid dreaming be used to heal trauma or reprogram the subconscious mind? Have you read books on lucid dreaming (I recommend "Lucid Dreaming: the Gateway to the Inner Self"). How does the dream reality relate to the waking reality? What strategies do you have for inducing lucid dreams? What else is possible with lucid dreaming?

Does anyone know how to deal with night terrors?

I've recently realized that the reason that I've felt as though I already have some understanding of what enlightenment is like because I underwent depersonalization/derealization back in high school when I tried weed and began smoking regularly. According to Shinzen Young, DP/DR is like the evil twin of enlightenment. Based on the other perspectives I've seen on DP/DR, the experience is incredibly dark. It's some weird sort of "half-realized" state where the ego doesn't entirely surrender itself and the person begins to see the flimsiness of reality and the movie-like qualities of life. My own experience of it nearly destroyed my life, although I didn't know what was happening to me at the time. This makes me wonder whether guys like Jed Mckenna or Steven Norquist whose interpretation on enlightenment is much darker than guys like Echart Tolle are "wrong" in their interpretation of nonduality or if their's different forms of truth-realization or if all these people just have a mental illness. It's all quite confusing.

@abrakamowse @Wormon Blatburm Actually I've had time to think on this whole thing and I've realized that Norquist or McKenna's tone on enlightenment like Leo has said in the past is a stylistic choice/interpretation rather than a mental disorder. For example, when they talk about Universe, Consciousness etc. and they use that particular terminology, what they're doing, I suspect, is avoiding the use of the word 'God' even though that's exactly what they're talking about. Like Leo said, a lot of these guys hold back certain details that are counterproductive to the teaching of non-duality. They're probably talking about the same things as other teachers but have simply chosen their own method based on what they feel is most effective.

I keep on grappling with this unintegrated trauma that causes me to almost start crying when met with disapproval, yelling, or conflict. I keep on scouring the internet trying to fix it and trying to focus my awareness on the feeling everytime it comes to surface. It's incredibly frustrating that I still haven't fixed this especially since I feel like it's the last thing that really needs to be resolved before I can feel real unwavering confidence. It's the only chink in the armor, Once I have this fixed, I'm damn near perfect. Things I've considered: -Julien says that continuing to "bullshit your subconscious" is too much of what self help is nowadays. It sounds like he's focused more on self acceptance and integration of perceived negative aspects of personality -If I want to overcome fear of confrontation, I should trigger more of them to gain exposure -I've been trying to heal the underlying trauma beneath the need to cry in the face of disapproval by focusing on the feeling (based on Teal and Emerald's videos). I should keep looking into more trauma release techniques -I've looked up some clever comebacks to insults so that I'm ready for confrontation. I also want to orient my personality towards being more of a dick. -I've been trying to practice comebacks so I can say things with more conviction. I don't know whether this will come with more confidence, more competence or just staying present and fully believing in what I'm saying as I say it. Like Tyler says, I should keep my foot entirely on the gas and not on the brake (yup, stay present) -In the sort term, I can block out shame by not buying into it and taking it too seriously. I've worked very hard on myself so for the most part, I'm not prone to making social mistakes that are egregious. I'm cool. But how can I now block that shit out if I'm so open-minded now? Stay present? I need to figure out what that feels like within my body. -I'm beginning to see a greater and greater separation between my thoughts and body. Who is really thinking these thoughts? The universe? These thoughts don't come from me. I they made me then what the fuck am I? Is the world really two-dimensional? I've begun to suspect this. Am I really this nothingness with no location?

I've recently realized that the reason that I've felt as though I already have some understanding of what enlightenment is like because I underwent depersonalization/derealization back in high school when I tried weed and began smoking regularly. According to Shinzen Young, DP/DR is like the evil twin of enlightenment. Based on the other perspectives I've seen on DP/DR, the experience is incredibly dark. It's some weird sort of "half-realized" state where the ego doesn't entirely surrender itself and the person begins to see the flimsiness of reality and the movie-like qualities of life. My own experience of it nearly destroyed my life, although I didn't know what was happening to me at the time. This makes me wonder whether guys like Jed Mckenna or Steven Norquist whose interpretation on enlightenment is much darker than guys like Echart Tolle are "wrong" in their interpretation of nonduality or if their's different forms of truth-realization or if all these people just have a mental illness. It's all quite confusing.

I quit doing pickup back in July after attending a PUA event which left me incredibly disillusioned. After quitting, I spiraled into a deep depression unlike none I have ever had before. I couldn't even bring myself to meditate anymore since then and was struggling to find a reason to go on living afterwards. I didn't want a girlfriend, I didn't want to be popular, I didn't want more clothes, I didn't care about success, and came to hate socializing. Even now I still avoid socializing whenever possible and have distanced myself almost all my friends. Over the course of those three months, I finished the remainder of Jed Mckenna's Enlightenment series, and began seeking, like for real. I also bought Haunted Universe about a month ago. Between the time when I quit pickup and began seeking enlightenment, I've also had many emotional epiphanies which led me to a deeper and deeper understandings of the nature of enlightenment as well as an out of body experience which led me to believe i was some sort of "ghost driving a body suit". Very deep, frightening insights, but I wouldn't consider my current state to be "abiding nondual awareness". I think this entire time, I was expecting enlightenment to save me from the inner demons that were let loose when I decided to quit PUA. I was so miserable that I said to myself, "Either enlightenment or nothing else (suicide)." I was incredibly angry. But now, having come to understand that life is a dream, truly understanding it and understanding how ego functions, the idea of suicide seems fucking stupid. Enlightenment just seems pointless now and I now have the urge to start bolstering my ego again like I did when I was a PUA, mostly out of boredom, sexual frustration, and other egoic reasons. However, I almost can't bring myself to do this, because not only would it feel like a huge step backward, but I have also come to hate socializing and have no motivation do so unless some outside force compels me to do so. I struggle with a lot doublethink, cognitive dissonance and ambivalence. On the one hand, I don't want a girlfriend and understand that I'm neither qualified or motivated to play the role of "alpha male" yet my ego is salivating at the thought of this. On one hand, I'm antimaterialistic (not that it's better than materialism) and on the other hand, I want new jackets, shoes, and whatnot. On on hand, I don't care too much about how my life ends up yet on the other hand, I want to be successful, have a good job, etc. Is the "ego death" i thought I was undergoing recently just depression? Is it just my DNA driving me to go out and do shit? Should I really be a PUA again? What do I make of this?

@Leo Gura Although I would agree that I am lost in life, I wouldn't say that I lack the maturity to pursue enlightenment. I've been doing self development for ay least three years now, two of those following you. I would at least consider myself an intermediate. My study of enlightenment theory also is not limited to Jed Mckenna especially since his tone is radically different from Tolle who is the first teacher I ever followed. I've also followed Spira, Swan, Krishnamuri, Young, Norquist, Adyashanti, Sadguru, etc. Lots of parallels but different still. All of the pretty much say what @Frogfucius said which is just lip service at this point. In any case my intense yearning for death has been caused more so by my intense hatred of existence which lasted for at two months. I come in and out of it. The thought of working for another 60 or 70 years for no reason other than to survive and reproduce disgusts and frightens Maybe that's "immature" but that does make it any less real. The clock on humanity is running out pretty soon anyway because of greed and ignorance. My interpretation of life being a dream is that people don't "die", the fade in and our of existence much like how a person fades in and out of a dream. Once I do fade out of existence, there's really no telling where "i" might end up next. There's not really anywhere to go because I'm everywhere and everything but that's just my intellectual understanding. I don't claim to be enlightened or on the brink of it, I'm just saying most of these things make sense conceptually. In retrospect, there's not any real reason for me to ask for your help or anyone else's because Im on my own either way. Im well aware that my ego is the one who is deceiving me and suicide is a lie and blah blah blah I get it. I get all this stuff conceptually but I'm not free from the confines of ego. I still have to exist and do things that I hate. And yes I know that is ego too. Anyways, that's my two cents.

@Leo Gura @Leo Gura @Kserkkj

Documenting more insights... I've come to sort of an understanding as far as why enlightened people describe this world as a "dream". There's really no way of distinguishing it from one and if we compare it to actual dreaming, there are striking similarities. I know that wherever it is I came from was some sort of void. I've known for some time that I more or less "faded" into existence. Sometimes when I sleep, I go periods of time without even dreaming of anything. I imagine this is the same phenomenon as the life-death cycle. What's really quite frightening is that if this is a dream world then that means "I" could very well end up anywhere else in the universe randomly upon my "death". The possibilites are limitless. I suspect that this is why Jed McKenna describes leaving the dreamscape as a foolish idea similar to exiting a submarine or spaceship. How I ended up in this realm, I don't know. Where I'll end up next is beyond me. Over the past months, I've been haunted by intense suicidal urges. Part of me still kind of wants to die but now I see that that might be pretty dumb. I started thinking more about how Japanese people have certain emotions that they can only feel when they think in that language which leads me to believe that maybe I've been tricking myself into thinking that I'm depressed. Maybe anytime I feel emotions for an extended period of time, I'm playing a trick on myself. If the language we use determines how we perceive and interpret reality that maybe emotions are as fictional as the concepts we use to identify them. Yesterday I thought I was done. Enlightened but it seems like theres still further to go. On the other hand, I've also suspected for some time that I have been enlightened since high school since thats when I gained self-awareness, shed most of my ego, began looking at life as a "movie", viewing most people as "characters" or "actors", and I also underwent a noticeable transformation. I just didn't have the knowledge with which to interpret and integrate those experiences before. Maybe that was the beginning of the death of my ego and now I'm finishing the job. The way all the gurus describe enlightenement, they say that it's completely obvious and there will be no doubt when it happens. Lots of people seem to also describe it as the dissolution of the barrier between you and the environment. I don't know if I should follow that especially since killing all Buddhas is part of the process, allegedly.

Just quickly documenting more stuff for the stage I'm at in this: -I'm really understanding on a much deeper level the illusive nature of thoughts. Not only did I come to find several weeks ago that my thoughts don't belong to me but through experimenting with weed, I've gone even further to realize that the autopilot negative thought loops that would overwhelm me while I was high are an illusion too. For the longest time I held them to be true just because somewhere deep down I felt like negativity was more real than positivity. Why? This is a lie. Both negative beliefs and positive beliefs are false because ALL beliefs are false. Why i gave in and embraced the negativity was because I didn't know any better when I first smoked weed. All those negative beliefs I had along with the core belief of negativity being more true were implanted in me by other people. I see it clearly now. I'm picking it apart and embracing positivity because that should be what's more real to me. I can think any way I like. -I realized that all the distinctions I place on myself are imaginary. Man has played a trick on himself by convincing himself that he and the external world are separate. It's a huge farce. It's the ultimate farce. Language and social influences have somehow tricked the world into thinking that they're something that they're not. It's literally a crime against nature -Some things I wonder: When Steven Norquist says that they're aren't any people in existence it probably has to do with the fact that existence/consciousness/the universe are one. There is ONLY consciousness because everything that IS is consciousness/being. -My deep depression has subsided. My guess is that it has something to do with the regression toward the mean phenomena or what Brad talked about with how people who read Jed Mckenna end up depressed for like three months. It could also be that I've completed my first wave of exams and papers so I'm fairly stress free and confident in my ability to finish my college education which was unsure of before. -My confidence and self-esteem has been increasing through me deluding myself in installing new beliefs. I'm using the positive ego virus to attack the negative ego virus. I can train my brain even harder by smoking weed and combating the negative thought loops. The way I should look at socializing from now on is that I am challenging everyone. My personality is a challenge. I challenge anyone to disagree with me. That's how I'll grow. If I can destroy any emotional blocks that I have, I'll be bulletproof. -I don't really want to play the Alpha Male role. After spending a year doing pickup I almost detest talking to people unless absolutely necessary. Almost everyone annoys me at this point so I question whether I should even be in relationship whether I pursue one or not. Although, I could step up into the alpha male role and my ego is salivating at the thought of it, I don't know if I should go back to that pickup lifestyle. I prefer being alone and doing my own thing but at the same time I get lonely sometimes too. But even that usually goes away after I masturbate. So do I want some annoying chick that I need to keep track of? I dunno. -Another thing that I've been thinking about is that insanity doesn't exist (in a way). What I'm perceiving isn't necessarily any more real than the next guy because it's all a fabrication of our subjective perception and reality doesn't exist in and of itself. Perceiver-perception-perceived are one. -

I just woke up from a dream where it seemed as though I became enlightened. Here's how it went down: I was in my bedroom, sitting on my bed, thinking about how scary enlightenment could be and in fact thinking I should actually try and avoid it. Then, out of nowhere, reality completely disappears and I'm stuck momentarily in pitch black void. Reality reappears again and then the void comes back. I'm almost scared shitless but I try to just be present and not think about it. I sink into the void deeper, black out and then reality returns again finally but this was much different. I woke up as if I had been in a coma for several years. It felt like every other time that I had woken up paled in comparison to this one. Everything was very still, everything in my room was rendered in with the most clear, vibrant quality. It was like my life went from 480p to 4k. As I began moving, I realized my body was gone. It was like being a "floating camera". I remember thinking momentarily but every time I would have a thought, it would dissipate before I could even finish it. I was so excited that i actually went on my computer to post on actualized.org and thank Leo for leading me to this truth. Then the dream skips to another scene where I'm in a room listening to a song sung in Spanish which I don't recall ever having heard before (I'm not even hispanic, nor do I speak spanish, nor am I sure this song even exists). Then, strangely, a hispanic woman with dark brown hair with highlights, wearing a dress and boots passes by my room as I'm listening to the music. I turn to look at her and I'm absolutely in awe of how incredibly vibrant she looks. It was as if her rendering was beyond three dimensional. There was so much detail, so much clarity. it was almost overwhelming. Then the dream ended. I don't consider myself to be a sentimental guy and I'm actually known to be very stoic, but what I witnessed was so beautiful that when I woke up from this dream, tears started streaming down my face as I thought about this dream. It felt like I was given a glimpse of what was waiting on the other side. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. More beautiful than anything that could ever exist within this life/paradigm. I know that this may not even be what enlightenment is but it seemed like what could be like.

That's how this man can walk into a room and not be able to find himself. There's no difference between him and anything in the room in the absence of ego.

Yeah I think I'm past the point of no return. My mind is slowly putting together all the pieces. The universe is haunted by emptiness because everything is simply a manifestation of universe/consciousness. Now I understand why Leo hugged that trash can in the mushrooms video. The trash can and you are identical. There's no actual distinction to be made between between a "human being" and anything else. It's all just consciousness/universe/stardust

The only question left is "Why?" Why the dreamstate? Why anythiing?

It is actually logically impossible for you to be the human being that you see when you look in the mirror. Remember how Leo said that God is actually a singularity point that has no dimensions and is not a thing (paraphrasing)(also corroborated by quantam physicians)? That's what YOU are. If you close your eyes, nothing in the environment can be seen any longer. Now imagine if you had been blind your whole life. You would still know that you exist but you just wouldn't ever see anything so there would be no way of discerning any differences between things without touching or feeling them Now imagine that you had some rare disease which made you incapable of feeling things, which you've had your whole life, on top of already being blind. How can you know whether anything is short or tall, wide or thin? You can't see or feel anything. How would you even know that you have a body? Now imagine that you could not hear, taste or smell anything on top of already being blind and incapable of feeling. Would there be any way of perceiving anything? Would you know whether you're alive or dead? Are you even alive now? If you're not any of these sensations, not a person, not visible, not even something that can accurately be conceptualized, yet your existence is self-evident, then what are you? Yes I'm aware that Leo already addressed much of this but I'm just going into more detail with it. Going even further, there is no way for you to know that any other "beings" exist. You're the creator of everything/the center of the universe. There's no way of knowing that there's anyone else like you because you created EVERYTHING. You cannot be perceived nor can you perceive anything. There isn't anything to be perceived to begin with.

@Frogfucius If we want to entertain the idea of scientific measurements having merit, then we also have to entertain the paradigm in which that idea exists which is the paradigm of infinite reality. Science only explains/predicts various phenomena in this reality because reality is infinite, meaning that everything is a coincidence. There's no inherent "genius" to the universe. We live in one possibility out of many which just so happens to have the features that it does. I addressed many of these ideas in this thread:

I've also realized that there's a much darker side to this insight (darker in terms of the dualistic paradigm where moral principles still have some value)... If this insight is so plainly obvious, then anyone who realizes this will know that there's no reason to play the good guy or the bad guy. There's no man up in the clouds who will damn you to hell. None of this is even real. It's more or less a videogame with no rules. It's like Grand Theft Auto. Religion does, however, serve the purpose of keeping people in check. I can't imagine the chaos that would ensue if everyone realized this. Maybe this is why we have psychopaths and sociopaths.

@Mulky I, consciousness, cannot perceive anything because there's nothing to be perceived. If there's nothing to be perceived then there's no perception. Without perceived and perception, there's no perceiver. When my human body perceives my hand, it's only perceiving the perception of my hand, i.e my own subjective interpretation of my hand. That hand, however, doesn't exist in and of itself. It's holographic, just like my body. It's existence is dependent upon the existence of a perceiver, but the perceiver itself doesn't exist either. Does that make sense? Awareness cannot die because it is neither alive nor dead, it just is. There's no way of telling whether your human body is alive or dead because it doesn't exist to begin with. Nothing is real.

@Frogfucius There is no "Big Bang" You're thinking about this in terms of science which is a pseudo-science at best. I was never born. I just am. None of this is real. Reality in and of itself is actually just an open plane with no things. Everything that the human body can perceive is just information. Life is a computer simulation. The only thing I can know for sure is that I exist. Not this body, but I as in consciousness. I'm at the center of the universe. I am God.