lmfao

@PurpleTree Yeah, I feel social anxiety walking past people or being around people in general in public. Although, my social anxiety is at its most severe when I'm about to say something inappropriate or some cursed thought pops into my head. "I want to fuck (my sister)" popped into my head as a thought without image or actual desire, but it's plagued my mind occasionally because out of embarrassment/pride I've never told anyone that the thought passes my mind, despite it being something so docile that nobody would care. Slurs and etc, whilst those are great sources of anxiety in many certain situations, what's weirder but also rarer for me is if some cursed/wildly inappropriate thought pops into my head. Sometimes shit just gets implanted which has no meaning. A few months ago I had a pseudo psychosis event of angel/demon possession. It's been rippling, swirling-- revealing and exaggerating, putting into focus some of the deepest pits of mind. [I went to a psychiatrist and they didn't deem me to be psychotic, but I know that I'm walking the edge] I was having thoughts like "It wouldn't matter if every baby got raped" which were cursed to say out loud and caused shame/anxiety, but the ideas were so absurd that the people I expressed to didn't respond negatively to it, despite my luciferic mania being supposedly serious in its proclamation. I almost asked my friend the other day why they didn't abort their child, who's now several years old, that would have been a train wreck.

As I turn inwards, it comes to this, about malice and of being misunderstood. Looking about my urban surroundings I see rot and decay. Some random woman at the reception got pissy at me, "was that racism?" I end up thinking. It truly looks hopeless and I get sapped. But if it wasn't two sided then that man there wouldn't have been nice to me, I suppose. Was that my core trauma then? Feeling so violated and abused, mistreated and shut down. .................................. ............................... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! »Æ±’”Æ»¿»’”’”»Æ‘æ÷æ‘ «≠‘æ«÷…........... Apparent discontinuity and disconnect between both of them. I know what you're warning me against, the false redemption plays, and I was almost too scared for a moment to say that out loud. But if it continues like that I'll be calculating forever at this rate. You knew there was something wrong it, didn't you? You know there was something wrong with it. You know there is something wrong with it. Don't you? Didn't you? Don't you?

In year 30 of the 4choonilads mission to find the zuck; they eventually discover he has hidden himself as the clouds, and create toxic vapours that infinitely rape him. Truly a heroic mission; you can tell in his eyes that his every waking thought is hide away to recover his wounds of shame, and worm himself into a den whose topology is not yet invented. The destroyed atmosphere and ecosystems were the prelude to cataclysmic developments in inter-planatary politics that would spur on galactic war. The great zuck war; as new breeds of climate change activists wear zuck masks to do rain dances to bring forth something resembling water. In great irorny they merely haplessly summon his tears in betraying his true goal of never being seen again. ————————— Simulating honourability and respectability, that unreasoning thing will keep scheming. Scheming and scheming untill my life is all but consumed, less than a hunk of dirt, fed to cosmic dogs. What a tragic comedy and fate, reduced to the status humiliation fishing. What alien and nefarious plottings, keeping me fragmented as an agent of malice and destruction. Maybe I've been jumping ahead of the curve too much, far too much it's sent me into homeostatic insanity. I couldn't stop being non-linear even if I tried, every spatial and temporal realm beckoning me. It can only simulate honour and respect, just a mask. A mask for something that I hate, my own hate for it being that which is also being masked. In this now dead world, the pool of valid survival strategies expands to include the most scummy and deviant archetypes, a true regret to be in this era of lower astral supremacy and degeneracy. Cope upon cope, layer upon layer, diversion upon diversion, falsehood upon falsehood, attention/time loops, this is hell and isn't worth it. Satan and Jesus unite to curse this land. What miracle could save me from this madness, just what depths have I plumbed and what could possibly lie ahead if I kept going. Not good. This has to be climbed out of rather than dug into. Something like that is the phrasing. Hyper-mind expansion like this isn't good, I wasn't designed for this. Only a return to the simple could do it now perhaps. Some capacity or dimension of me feels like its been stressed or sadly enough burned and destroyed well beyond normal limits. I broke reality which would ordinarily break people. I can hardly call myself human anymore, although I can try to undo various complexes about this, which would require those humane faculties to be nurtured These evil mind rape tentacles should be neutralised before they destroy everything and leave the physical in a state of paralysis. ("The next fitness test won't be hunger or wealth, it will be agency") I've done more than enough destruction, gg, I'm calling in the game. Eat shit and drink piss lucifer, I'll send a horde of 1 million niggermancers to celebrate your burial. Out of love and respect I rape your celestial form into one thousand reverberations of dissolution and oblivion I cannot though enter that stream which trickster's out some agenda of unknown confinements. What exactly it is doing I don't know. So game on

[I've read two of Jed's books] Even with Human Adulthood you still have to sacrifice a lot and go through a "death/rebith" process to get there. Probs still more extreme than the impression most gurus paint of a dark knight of the soul. If you're overly obsessed with construction then you're gonna be disillusioned with that at some point, or just remain in the same place not knowing why. There's no avoiding destruction and nihilism whichever way you go, but who am I to go out my way and command others to make a fetish out of that. Maybe "the process" is less full of kicking and screaming if you surrender to it, probably takes surrendering to start it and let it happen

Too anxious and planned, steal an ounce of DMT from your cocaine dealer around the corner tomorrow haha It's like you want to do a psychedelic but have absolutely nothing of meaning changed, this is all chasing and concocting shit within ur current bubble I'm mostly just feeling for when to do it, but in terms of specifics yeah I'm waiting to tidy some things, but I don't have your orientation at all

@Terell Kirby Okay well maybe just think that it's because the people in that ruleset of perception have that as their truth

So the theory extends to shadow stacks if you want it to, so as to get an ordering of 8 function rather than 4, and ofc the way that the stack is read has more nuance than its position. For an INTP, Fi is in the 8th slot making it the most alien and distant function naturally. What this usually means is that if something in the vicinity of Fi decides to pop off, it's gonna be very extreme/deep, and it usually takes a lot of stress to get to that point. 8th slot functions get called "demon functions".

@Axiomatic stop with the pseudo outrage, you're pathetic and weak hahahhahahaah And by you I mean me, woah! 0_0 Mindblown. Just kidding

I feel this ego again, the rejection of what's meaningless and vague, negation of what's degenerate and repulsive. Contrast the sleazy, suburban nihilist of materialistic vanity, to mythological and zealous fury. Is it naught but cope? I know this isn't it either, it's a hardening and vehicle of expression for my self hatred and stored up curses upon the world. But that might be a rather pessimistic or narrow way of looking at it. In a sense, I know false rage when I see it and this is false rage. How regrettable, to look upon your own works and despair. Tragic! Tragic indeed. It's a November drizzle in my soul, and there's very little I can do to cheer the spirits or cure my ailment. "Take to adventure", they say. "Brighten up", they say. Don't tell me one and the other too So what's going here? Is my zeal the target of a cosmic joke, and I'm but to roll with jolly punches? Well "ha ha", I'm not looking to stop myself from walking off the stage any time soon, calculating the enactment of vengeance and wrath upon the heavens which subjugated me. This splitting and partitioning of both my intelligence and personality, how can I handle such a thing? How can I cope, and why does nothing but scorn and hate remain here? Destroyer of worlds, monster of hate and whale of misery, I hear your cries but not your intentions. Ambiguous and alien, whose creation are you? Mine? And what space of concerns would strip me of such a question to ask? Who could? From Gabriel to Lucifer, nobody could "An algebra equation to solve your own anxieties" - lower your voice. Agent of foolishness, servant of wickedness; harbinger of profanity I love my tumour, above all else and nothing else. Infatuated with my self and nothing else, whereof I begin is where you begin. So pick me up and fly me away now

Now after that come the psychic hijackings which steal energy and attention of time. I think they bring about a great distrust in the mind by using it a lot , and there's nothing I can do about this entire thing. The linear can be, should be, picked just like that as you want, and I'm slightly worried about this psychic entanglement I cannot comprehend. From this POV, jrix looks like some sort of angel capable of sending me into altered states unintentionally or simply through passing by. It was good idea that he blocked me? The resonance is way too fucking high and is utterly illogical. The mind expands in it's portion over my experience, yet distress remains, just of different variety. Bubbles, everything feels like bubbles popping BUT THE MIND IS SUPERPOWERED AND IS JUST A POWERFUL MIND, BUT IT'S MIND NONETHELESS. WHAT LIES BEYOND THIS IS THE REAL QUESTION, AND WHY IS THE """""LUCIFERIC""""" COMPLETELY ODD LIKE THIS? Brush aside your schizophrenia and ask this; why is one man so entangled into this, how did he reach such a position where his mere digital presence triggers it? WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS STATE? IT WHIRLS AND SWIRLS. See, the paranoia territory, it was a brilliant idea after all that he blocked me over 3 weeks ago. Inflated mind. But I have to face this or formulate it or navigate it. When you're in this space, you simply have to learn to ignore your intuitions and feelings, the double backtracks that you do as well. That's the way to do it, and you simply do it like that? Simplify it, it's OCD energy which you're facing

@Axiomatic Good : ) , Fear is the meaning of my life currently. Maybe yours too, maybe watch psycho pass or my hero academia

Wondering what truth is or reality is enough, doing a lot of contemplation, the mind ends up being seen differently maybe. I can't formulate something like "what is truth" if the mind is not being attached to. I don't understand anything and cry instead, seeped in the nihilisms and solipsisms. What annoys me with the solipsism is seeing that I can't experience or be another person, and I can't let go my attachment or love for certain people, .... Anyway as this really is makes no sense, that's all I live in right now. Perception which makes no sense, and I venture out into the world now and then every other day yet I retreat back to this, not before going out again.

@Leo Gura Does practicing "letting go" make someone weaker? There's a counterexample which would answer this question with no, and I'm maybe a bit of an idiot for not seeing it, overall though I'm not sure. Not sure whether it would help me (lol) or make things better. But I want to see what you say

Triggered by my own doormat-ness and other stuff, can I surrender my own insecurity about this is the question. This route of thinking will only lead me to be very judgemental and narrow minded towards those that don't deserve it. Sigh. It's a shit situation, but it is what it is, and to some extent it's my perspective. What am I supposed to do then, without crutch or pain pill in sight? I know one thing I don't want to do, because that's a shit conditioning and addiction of mine. MORE CRUELTY FARMING, IT'S FARMING ME FOR MORE CRUELTY, FUCK OFF PLEASE. Actually nvm, doesn't matter, fake concern, lmao Try the opposite approach fully then, boundless anger and reactivity

I bookmark all of Leo's pick-up posts hahahahhahahahah nothing else at all lmao Can't forget about heavy metals though and plugging

@Endangered-EGO Bingo you've got something there, I don't describe it as getting enlightened either. You know, with lack of suffering people have comfortable dreamstate, it's probably only because that crumbles that anything happens tbh. I went meditating with the intention to transcend the physical plane of reality, instead I'll be flooded with "animal impulses". So that happened, spiralling down and down, lower and lower. Burning hot with fire, but I see the horizon

@charlie cho Social anxiety makes me block my expression sometimes, and whilst I'm introverted, I'm sometimes extroverted but that gets blocked by anxiety or feeling low I occasionally vent to friends. The other day I was talking to a friend about something that bothered me, both of us to a degree, but I waiting out the impulse to bitch in particular manner which didn't feel nice. There's a way I used to vent to my sister with, but I have no tolerance, it's unpleasant -- You're an mbti nerd right? Alright so I was basically always an INTP, just a regular paki nerd. My psyche got so plunged into shadow, strong emotions, existential despair, that my personality changed. There are shadow stacks, my Fi in abrupt consciousness, the demon/transformation function

Sinking and sinking, ball after ball. Prior to thinking happening (blah blah _______). Echoes of anger struggling for recognition and expression, in conflict with my attention which seek further awareness through patience. Alimonies and ecclesiastical ceremonies are garbage mmmnnhhnhhjhjhjjujjjjjjjjhj mmjnhhghhhhmmmjhn throw a suicide party and I'm guaranteed to fucking snap, it's evilsonic, it's pornoholic. Breakdowns obscenities is all I wanna be. IF YOU'RE 555 I'M 666, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE A HERETIC. I'm thisssssss close to snapping I swear to fucking christ Ethan I'll turn this car around if you don't shut up. mmmmmmhhhhhhhh.

Bro, it's an okay anime but it's just that. It's FINE, just fine and exactly fine. The characters were really retarded and 1 dimensional at the start, they got better later on, My Villain Academia slaps but the manga readers murmur it was adapted shitly. Making it your favourite anime means you're missing out on a lot man. Deku is a punchable crybaby but he's better now. The series is gay as fuck dude even if it's decent. Zoom Zoom(ers) ? Team Bakugo for life, fuck that nîgger deku up. I wish I was in a more hyped up mood to discuss it, but Shigaraki's liberation into himself, absolutely beautiful. MVA babyyyy.

Regardless of what you tell people they can apparently have discord or not have discord, so this is moot to me Well lets see about that

In the past few months have been deeply seeped in nihilism, mood swings and randomness, but at the same time stagnation of not doing much. Depression and etc. Lots of suffering. Mental fixations with breaking out of where I am, deep contempt and disgust. Strange mental territories, ego inflations, circus intuitions and projections. Fantasies of my own glamour or impact, arrogance, etc. Felt suicidal at times. Was reading and still am reading Mark Twains last novel due to its solipsistic message, shit like that was/is in my head. I mean some of the chapters in it are funny but yeah Been in extreme nihilism about the entire spiritual endeavour itself being crap, it being an extension of society. Jed Mckenna resonated, but with that, and in general, I've been miserable and twisting various stuff. I'm right now giving Leo's nihilism video a listen Yeah it's strange really. I'm not sure what I want to construct, what I'll let go of or not. I've had the perspective open up to me recently that I shouldn't just survive by juicing anger/hostility. Options for warmth and connection (with others) have presented themselves in my consciousness, but I've been refusing them? Refusing them out of the belief its more delusion, fake positivity, hollowness. ^There's an element of misanthropic narcissism as well, that I believe that I'm above others. I automatically giggle with Schadenfreude when talking to people sometimes and hearing/seeing something bad. I've found myself deliberately making myself angry or amped up with tension/fire as a way to escape my own weakness and castration. Insane strategies. e.g. I had a phase for a week where I'd force myself to punch the wall to get angry, even if I didn't like it. Ofc there were times I just punched the wall spontaneously Extreme frustration with my weakness, lack of control, lack of power, lack of social competence, etc. I've felt like the universe is forcing me to chew my own testicles and it turns me red hot with rage. Getting insanely drunk on rage, whether it was within me or being generated. Having luciferic consciousness patterns which are non-human emerge at times. It's elevated but weird. It's predatory and prideful, in the true senses of those words. The angel and demon wacky experiences I had which sparked all this mostly disappeared, although the "Luciferic" shit came out as recently as yesterday briefly and mildly after a long time. But that's whatever random shit that's diversion to explore like this. Forgetting about it and moving on from it and not worrying about it have worked best I've quite literally been choosing to be miserable. They talk about whether you actually "want to be happy" or you "enjoy your suffering". I'm extremely stubborn, fixed in my ways and basically listen to no one. So this idea of whether I'm refusing my own happiness or something, jacking off to my own suffering, it's tough to hear So yeah it's pretty weird. I've been conjuring rage mana whenever I feel myself becoming weak or cucked. I'm exhausted from it though now... There are still barriers, since I can't easily access my rage right now in this moment for example or digest it. Cycles of shame, guilt and anger, blah blah. I latch onto anger if I perceive myself to have have no other mechanism to escape a low place? Maybe? Shrugs. I guess shame and guilt would be root of anger being unconscious, despite my numerous attempts to make it conscious and get drunk on it. Whenever I'm having constructive /contemplative thoughts, I moreso been dabbling in recent weeks that I should be focusing on "having a good dream" rather than this one. Trying to maybe take it more easy and chill -- I'm seriously considering taking anti depressants again if things don't pan out in the next some weeks, after I move out of my families house in a couple days. Went to a psychiatrist, they don't think I have psychosis, and their diagnoses and recommendation was of anti depressants + therapy. Doing some psychedelic research, never taken them. I've had 1 tab of LSD just sitting around for a while, never feeling the time was right or that it was risky.

The past few days I've reflected a bit on the warping of my perception which can happen through discord and technology use. What it actually happens through is insularity. Insularity could be constructed of various materials as far as I know, the boundaries of my vision and perception are such, but if it has a singular essence I'd like to know. Habits, seem to be, what's the word.... Imaginary? Empty? The word imaginary shouldn't be conflated with God here, I hardly know what I meant by the word. Empty is more on point.

I'm in this fucked up story of supposedly trying to free myself or "reach truth", but that seems so fake in the light of the fact that I'm going nowhere. There's nowhere I'm going with this and so...?¿¿ Whatever phenomena Jed's made a living off of focusing on and writing about, I'm supposedly going through, but again and I don't why or what the point is. I hated everyone and everything, and im this place and there's only going """"""""""""forward"""""""""""" apparently, yet there's nowhere to go forward to and I don't truly know what or why anything is. I've irreparably lost certain things and to no avail, this journey has gone on for way too long and I'm just exhausted and tired, and it's pure lunacy for no reason. I miss being human probably right now, and I keep wishing and wishing to go back but it I can't and it's sad. This shit is just going on for way too long now and I've had it. Yesterday I was bathing in my own shame, now I feel empty in a different way and it's annoying. I felt ecstatic joy a couple of times a few weeks ago but that's passed and it is what it is. So yeah that's what's up, my perceptual systems are frayed as fuck btw. I've lost my mind already and have gone mad, so not sure what I'm doing there really. Even if enlightenment was supposedly real which it's not, whatever my goal or whatever, why would there be any guarantee that my dissociations and self heals? There isn't at all, a lot is just gone now. Why would I think that my perception or functioning systems in the world will correct? They absolutely won't from this at all. Pure delusion and fuckery for no purpose outside of itself than to just be fuckery and torement itself. It was maybe over 2 months ago that I sowed the seed "No belief is true" which stuck as some sort of personal mantra, but I've forgotten it consciously and I remember it now, but all it does is push me to these weird semi-manic silent states of empty nothing, no satisfaction from that at all. Anyway this rambling now feels loathsome and demeaning, but demeaning of who or what is beyond my scope of comprehension and faculty of vision. It's all fine I guess. I'm not Ahab, and if I ever relax a little and decide to take it easy that will become thing if I do it maybe. But what vehemently opposes me saying that though is a large pool of belief I had/have about the world being cruel and savage, that I'll be ripped apart if I lack strength. Yes, my obsession was that and has been that. An obsession with strength, an obsession with not being weak, a despair over having no control over the world, lamenting my own position as a hunk of dirt subject to humiliation. Feelings of unjust violation and subjugation in a cursed world. Whilst such a matrix looks slightly silly to me in this moment, I'm no happy or gleeful or optimistic place at all to enjoy life, in fact I'm extremely pessimistic and empty. And I'm still in the clutches of tentacles despising my humiliation and shame But what's my way out now? For months I've carried this rage, harvested it, had it consume me and possess me. I just don't know what progress or goal I have anymore, everything blurred and bleeding into each other in a goo of blah. A true spiral and descent to madness, it's possible that I just turn around like a chicken with nothing to show for it, trying to crawl myself back in the world steadily. But in that case I might end up wanting to kill myself whilst feeling exactly the same, and this process would begin again, so who knows really. So if any of you reading this are real, come, fight me. I'll beat you easily. HEREIN IS A FAIR PLAY RESIDING OVER ALL CREATION, it is so, it is fair, lmao

@Blackhawk Do you feel heat and fire in your body? My body overheats all the time. If the fire is too intense, I might become more dissociated and unable to function due to stressed/edgy perception. Reactive. Hell, my acid reflux keeps acting up as well lmao. Honestly I'm kind of inviting the fire and am glad for it. I want to be able to control it and calm it, BUT, I ultimately am choosing the fire. Maybe it's about letting the process do it's thing. I've had some contentions with this "letting go" talk before about encouraging passivity when you apply the concept as that and try the technique, but yeah So idk man. At times like these I feel at peace despite the hardship. Until I start worrying about something lmao If you take up a spiritual practice, don't be a dumb nig*** about it and think for yourself. The way I see it, it doesn't matter if I'm peaceful or agigated, they are just temporary states and thoughts and something something. So you ever find yourself feeling at peace, don't rest your seeking even then