lmfao

@Matt23 Did you chase seeking a diagnosis in the end? I get BPD-vibes stuff swirling in me too For me the flavour of experience is a very particular flavour of having no skin, as though I'm extremely low and deflated. (Mood swings within the span of hours and 24 hour time frames) It's a feeling of emptiness in that hollow, shame way {ah, the pungent sadness fills me, how sweet} I think the mechanics of true shame are an entirely different thing which I've written about before, but not here

@Voodoo Child Any updates you have? You still together?

@Matt23 A friend of mine in passing mentioned some theory that BPD is the original form of all cluster B disorders, but I googled it and couldn't find anything. You know anything about that by any chance? And could you briefly restate or elaborate on what you mean in bold here?

@Carl-Richard Yes I've had such regression(s), to as far back as beige now. Reflexive, primitive, barely able to think or focus. Large anxiety. For the past couple months, I've not known whether I exist or not. I now understand what it means to say "All visible objects, man, are but as pasteboard masks". By newton's third law you mean it to be true of yourself. Because the self is put out but it may as well be a conceptual nothing for what is within. Rather, that's how it's been understood so far, just now. Is it maybe...like the expression of some field"?" The self is an infinitesimal form, whose generation is only made aware of when unstable. ---- > Yet now, forsooth, because Pierre began to see through the first superficiality of the world, he fondly weens he has come to the unlayered substance. But, far as any geologist has yet gone down into the world, it is found to consist of nothing but surface stratified on surface. To its axis, the world being nothing but superinduced superficies. By vast pains we mine into the pyramid; by horrible gropings we come to the central room; with joy we espy the sarcophagus; but we lift the lid — and no body is there! — appallingly vacant as vast is the soul of man

Ladies and gentleniggers, it is believed by some there'll be a golden age, but if there will be such a thing, things ought to get worse before they get better. It would appear as though the universe is tending towards complexity and novelty, but who can claim for certain. What really seems to arrest this ideal are the everyday realities, that you must eat, sleep, eat, maintain your psychological needs, etc. Economics, poverty, struggle, For me this rumination, so it's not what to focus on -- Right now, there's some strange obsession with vampires I see floating around in the people I talk to. I'm sure I'm selectively focusing on it, since someone brought it up to me a few months ago. It's retarded and stupid, we are not vampires In this mythology, this isn't the same as "energy vampires" that someone like Teal Swan would reference, although I do love her. I don't wish to seek blind validation of what I do, but maybe that's love and I don't know.

I try to do one compassionate deed, I hear my flatmate coughing with the same thing and I knock on their door to offer painkillers if they haven't taken any, but I get no response. I know I know there's a rational explanation for this, but my whole body is weak with tremors and shivering from this illness. I have no strength and my muscles just shake trying to move or do anything. I just wanted warmth and my own confirmation of humanity, but it doesn't work. It feels as though it doesn't work.

None of this bullshit about self help is true for some of us, the best I can hope for is pump myself up full of anti depressant happy chemicals and live a life of an undead zombie. "Healing", "consciousness", this has done Jack shit for me. I've plunged to the depths of suffering, done a shit tonne of inquiry and contemplation, and it's made ZERO difference, in fact my life keeps getting worse and worse for the past year with no hope in sight. "shadow work", this shit literally isn't real for me. Seems like I've spiralled down and that's that, literally nothing else. No such thing as "integration". I know I've fragmented myself, because I absolutely could not and cannot stand what I've been my entire life. That's why I don't let myself relax, why I don't take meds, because I'm having a borderline psychotic rage where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. For some reason I'm anxious and on edge constantly like some badly scarred war Vietnam veteran, when I fucking live in my room and jerk off to anime children. On top of basically neglecting myself recently, I caught a virus flu which is enough to make me snap in angony at how painful it is. Such a minor thing for someone else being enough to make me snap. I must be semi delirious from the stress because I was walking to the store to buy painkiller meds and I felt like I was walking in a dream outside. But,I'm trying to relax now, no other choice. But then I know it will mean FUCK ALL in the long run about anything, there is no healing or training or development from this, maybe for others, but I'm way too far gone. Materialism, physicality, genetics and environment rule my domain, and I was simply given the worst hand I could possibly imagine. LITERALLY no good stats, just a narcissistic fagg0t who's tired of saying they want to kill themselves. Bitches don't care about the size of your absolutely pointless and useless psuedo-intellectual philosophy dick. The moment I relax I know ill have to face reality and SEE that I'm a weak nerd with no prospects, destined to be trampled on and spat on. I'm fucking done and I'm so fucking pissed. If the gods so destined it then so be it, I'll take a piss on what's left. -- I remember walking outside my home, just this one particular time it really struck me a couple weeks ago, about to go meet some friends. I was feeling like my normal self but my self felt like some completely fake costume and it got me all hysterical and angry in defensiveness thinking about it. This is truly fucked because I do not want to face myself, face reality, go through a million tribulations just to end up as paralysed scum at the very bottom again. Okay my throat stopped hurting thanks to paracetamol, only adrenaline left now This is literally like that time in morroco you had a throat infection and broke down in the desert Just high on adrenaline rn though

Hell is real and I'm in it I'll delete this later

Everything is dependent on context, including what we observe in perception, but what we observe in perception must “appear” without context so it is possible to perceive (it must appear as a a particular thing). The invisible context feels like some cosmic bastard, pulling the strings of fate. Either you look at how consciousness apparently directly is for you, or you try to look at different possible distinctions to apply.

@softlyblossoming Acid experience itself felt positive, also clarified insights about how I am. My current state is pretty distraught. I've given up hope on conceptualising anything I went through in that turbulence as a "dark night" or anything, I've just seen it as life going on for god knows what reason. And natural crises that emerge when everything from my life just crashes. Fuelled by extreme rage, I was even deliberately harvesting and generating rage to keep myself moving forward. It's been like that in recent months. Feeling like my body and perceptual systems are on fire. For the past couple weeks the rage has calmed down a lot, but I'm also in depression and I still have OCD anxiety. Probably my extremely shit diet of junk food which sent me into a hibernation from rage.* But just by going for a run, the testosterone rises, + slight upset in mood and I'm feeling rage again. I really don't want to paralyse myself in self destruction with it or repeat the same thing. I'm sick and fed up of rage completely, yet I feel if I don't bolster my self in this way I'll drown in this world. The feeling that I hardly got any validation or acknowledgement from anyone, don't give a piss about my family in receiving that. - *No, it wasn't that, I was just exhausted from being so angry. And then what arose instead were the extreme guilt projections to deal with. Then I was dealing with extreme pseudo anxieties and scattered attention, but in this day I was feeling rage again. Interesting that this Suzan Woman felt split in two. In my written ramblings of heightened awareness, describing the geometric mechanics of my operation in the world, I was using language of splitting, putting attention on the "other side", a lot of falsely generated and pseudo anxieties. I feel like I'm relearning a lot, it's like that meme of "manual breathing" Sometimes it's like there's a high frequency fog and dissociation which is trying to pull me out of my body or make me float away, and its so intense. I think that's when stressed. But anyway, overall the past week I've been slightly better and I'm surviving, I don't have any university work to do since im taking a break, so blessed. —— Someone online randomly told me that shrooms are better since they are less likely to cause psychosis than LSD, no idea if he's chatting shit. When I heard Terrence McKenna talk about LSD he said LSD was like a magnification or telescope for what was already in your mind (can't remember). Of course I didn't hear that until after I took LSD

@Raptorsin7 From what I know he's innocent, the rest is cope Also here's funny meme IMG_1499.mp4 lmao

Friday 18/11/2021 22:10 If my anxiety fades a bit, what I'm left with is a bit of an indifference to life or death, I suppose. I'm not in a rush to kill myself, and neither do I desire to. They talk about there being intrinsic fear, which I seem to have internalised in habits, but the habits look unreal to me from this POV as a role which could be broken, I just lack motivation. Silence and book can be my companion, maybe walking tomorrow. I have no need for food today but I could very well eat I'm not sure about the extent of my "transformation". I get a gentle smile from life somehow. I've probably been living with eyes closed for a while, unwilling to leave my hole despite inner realisations A long way to go

Friday 18/11/2021 00:30 If I'll only be dwelling in the recesses of my internal world then I'll continue being ignorant. A handful of things are just connected, cycling through each other from one thing to the next. I am not using music to generate rage. This is me talking to my friend yesterday I'm going to have to take a break from uni, but where it will take me is.... I am walking on blind faith. What I have faith in I do not know either, Do one thing at a time, and trust. ——— Today I was presented with seeing someone else getting victimised in the same way that I was, and it rings. If I turn a blind eye then I will be what I despise, and then I worry that if I act in that particular way I'll be falling into the same traps, but I'm not worried about that really. A random fallacy of denial

Thursday 18/11/2021 18:25 Letting go with the expectation of reward I can't just bounce back to that place and pretend it's okay as I act in a way so fake and intimidated. I feel the shame in my own being activate from it. Or rather, I'm so sick of that that I can't take it anymore. If there's one thing I've learned from this is that you need to open your eyes and accept them the way they are. - The acid has consolidated for me the insight about worry. The insight my personal mind has formed is that this is simply what was my shadow, but made strong. In this shadow, I essentially think myself to have some forms of my dad, that was the link drawn from me being controlling and controlling, even if in all honesty I cannot comment on the supposed link

Thursday 18/11/2021 02:43 It's time to pack it in and know when to cut your losses, know when your approach isn't working. I'm gonna delay my studies at uni for another year, I can't do this shit right now. My ability to concentrate or attend or think or read anything has gone. I'm unable to think anymore or read anymore or focus anymore, I'm constantly spaced out and dissociated. What a brutal lesson to take from this. I still don't know if I accomplished anything by all of this spiralling, what layer of reality I broke or whether I'm just dissociated. I did so much inquiry and deconstruction bullshit hippity hoppoty I've crash landed here into purgatory

@blessedlion1993 Did you do it in the end? I'm in pretty unstable space too, however I took about an 8th of a square 220 tab recently and it was a trip. It was below any threshold for object distortion or hallucination, but it changed my feeling a lot and made me introspective about a few things. With lsd tabs, I've been told the concentration is not always uniform across the tab due to hotspots, so idk my dose really. Overall in my path now, I've done a lot of destruction on my psyche and now it's time for what comes after in exploring and growth. Whether that means I'll end up taking meds soon or will find grow naturally. Its possible I'll be dragged down further, never say never, but yeah. I've permanently broken certain layers of reality, but it hasn't made me happy or complete, in fact it's felt miserable, but for some reason I still feel soul and gratitude for life and optimism. As far as I can tell psychedelics are pretty good for growth since they make you connect a lot of different things. That baby acid amount really jogged my mind a bit. I realised something about moment-to-moment flows and reversals of flows in my experience which I've always been aware of subconsciously, and I then made the jump to realising why people obsess over the quantum mechanics meme so much. + other shit about how some of my traits relate to my parents that I didn't see before. Or at the very least it showed me beliefs I had about the origins of some my traits. I go from optimistic and grateful one minute to full of anxiety and etc the next, it's clear I need to recharge and heal or relax. "YOU'RE ALWAYS ON" someone told me, and it's true, even if I'm depressed states.

What did I do to myself, that's the question to answer. It's as though I destroyed part of my self somehow, in some way, and I don't get it at all. When my eyes opened today, and I gain mental clarity, part of me starts to get scared, thinks it's scared. I'm going around in circles, going through sequences of different things in looping patterns. Miranda has been an excellent friend "I want to pretend I'm still the same"- Shit, that almost sent shivers down my spine, my heart is pounding. I know I'm not exactly a narcissist, but I act like that. I know I'm not shy, but I act like that. I act in a lot of ways that aren't "me" and that's chilling. My ego, I'm vindictive, a lil spiteful, passive-aggressive, uses meekness occasionally to manipulate and coerce, sad, full to the brim with guilt, is guilty over their own expression, guilty over their own controllingness, guilty over their own worry, guilty over their own love of women, guilty over their own hatred of black people, guilty over their own impulsiveness and occasionally homicidality and sadism. Something feels guilty and sleazy about lacking guilt as well. The extreme shame and guilt, it remains something I have to face, and I have to lift flip that rock over myself, somehow I was smiling earlier but now I'm uncovering and feeling guilt over the most seemingly minor. I --- Thought experiment. You go pump yourself up with cocaine and heroine, feel good, but you feel extreme guilt and shame whilst doing so. Something about this analogy, just something here, I'm missing something. _ _ _ _ Back to smiling again hahaha, In gRatituDe lmao shut the fuck up faggoter Now we're to fear, I can't say I've felt fear like this in a while

Microdosed LSD, was worth it

Something to contemplate and wonder is whether any hope I have or reservations I have on suicide are delusional. I don't think they could be called "delusional" it's t- IF I HAVE TO FUCKING GO BACK TO YOU, MY INSIDES WILL TWIST AND BREAK AND I'LL THROW UP AGAIN, SO FUCK OFF, I'LL SERVE THE ULTIMATE FUCK YOU. I'D RATHER DIE THAN GO BACK TO THAT, I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT WHERE I COME FROM AND WHO I AM, FUCK OFF WITH WAITING TO DIE JUST END IT RIGHT NOW I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK I'M NOT GOING BACK WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO HAPPEN, GIVE ME THE BUTTON AND I'LL NUKE THIS PLANET IF YOU LET ME. I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK, I'M NOT GOING BACK FUCKING TRAMPLED, I'LL MURDER YOU ALL IF YOU LET ME Sigh. Round and around we go. All I feel right now is this cold rage which surfaces. Is this cold rage and hollow self all that's left of me? I mean aggression can be channeled into things but it's not exactly predictable or easy to access rage either. It's alien to me, random and violently inclined. Now you know it's not exactly "random" in the sense that that word kills all observation of it and knowledge of situations you've seen it in. The rage, pretty sure it's directed at my family and....some other life situations you found yourself in However, the rage is abstracted, in the sense that it is not really tied to a person strictly, e.g. you got mad at ___ and ___ last week with cold rage but it faded towards them and you were friendly. Although because you feel cold rage now, I'm sure you're reminded of it. Release is not the same as catharsis, but this rage remains suppressed in me, dictating it's own terms of release which are rather tyrannical. It will only allow itself to perpetuate itself in it's release, not allowing for anything else

Today I just couldn't get out of bed. Finished jacking off and I'm feeling quite hollow. And not much else. A few whimpers of thought saying stuff like "don't kill yourself". Or the question comes but I don't know It's only about how I feel. I just don't know really. All I can know is what is before my eyes, I feel this way, I feel that way. My state is this way I torture myself for not being able to live up to the Nietzchian ideal. I am weak and lame. I've offered every belief to the altar I could, torn myself into as many pieces as I could, and I have nothing to show for it. "truth at any price" I said. I really did think I could push through it all, push through every fear and belief, And I have nothing. Did nothing, was too weak. You know? All I can care about is how I feel; do you get me?* I will stay alive on that account I suppose perhaps. Not fully sure. This ideal of strength, I want to stay by it, but maybe I'm misguided in a few ways? If I'm depressed, unable to enjoy or love life, that's what's going on and the ideals don't amount to much. That hollowness of personality which is now my ego. I've been so revolted by it, but I don't know the answer to it now. I used to be INTP, and then through all my fighting and rage I flipped into becoming me-orientated, all about goals and getting out, despite the irony of nothing changing externally, and my internal has been torn to shreds. Ideal of strength or not, I have to recharge or heal emotionally. The ideal of strength seems <--->joined with focusing on how I feel, not sure why that it is but hey ho. Of course I can always kill myself, although right now I don't feel like it. Scratch that last sentence, you're obviously high off of watching berserk recently -- Only thing was the hollow, talk about strength kinda unrelated *And if what I feel is this bleak hollowness, then it's no point to living maybe. And this hollowness is after jacking off, which blocks out some negative emotions, and those make it even less worth it. In this ego, there's not much spontaneity or joy like this (uhhhh this is complicated to say because I feel my ego has fractured and there's no "me"). I transformed into this way through repeated frustration and spiralling downwards into shadow. They say delving into the "shadow" is some "good" thing in theory in some holon, but often times you've just gotten worse and those are the immediate facts of the matter. You're consumed and turn into something which doesn't feel good or make living worth it I think it would be accurate to say at least my current ego and these current/common thought patterns is very "hollow" inherently, and not in a good way. Devoid of intrinsic feeling or beauty or warmth. There's the feeling of being laid bare naked and not in a good way Self loathing dynamics from that 100%. What seems to be underlying it though, is negativity and sadness of some form. Sadness for sure. But it's too complicated to elaborate and explain the literal cognitive mechanics of it, why I'm unable to handle this on my own without help, so I'm defo gonna need to be on meds and change my lifestyle direction. Past few days the depression has gotten pretty bad and I haven't been able to do shit for myself in so long The geometry of this all is like an unpleasant inflexible black wall or boulder. -- If I'm in this state though, I wish to give up being defensive Sick and tired of talking about "strength" or whatever else now as well

@Endangered-EGO Well, things are rough for me and I might be going on meds soon. I'm just like, I feel disgust and shame way too much these past few months. If that wasn't overwhelming enough, borderline psychotic in mood swings (not hallucinating) and beliefs. Reduced functioning. I feel as though I'm already death sometimes, and when at lowest I invite the cosmos to finish me. I noticed today briefly that there is warmth and connection in the world, that there's beauty, but that was a small and temporary blip to my regular state. The world is actually a safer place than I thought, I realise, but I still feel like death. And I return to my disgust and off feeling. My regular state, fuelling it, is a disgust at this world. I see people devoid of integrity and empathy alike, and their perceived worminess disgusts me. I thought I was after "truth" abstractly but now I'm at a place of looking at this disgust, shame and guilt I feel instead which runs me. These things are thick barriers to love. Gratitude is important.

This shame is at the core of my experience. And I haven't a damn idea what I can do about it. The guilt of mysticism Now this is an interesting thing I recently considered randomly when I saw this, with the anime clip at the end The idea being that due to loss of fundamental values and the descent into nihilism, people opted to degeneracy, of which mysticism is a kind. Strange association. Typical doomer conservative meme, but interesting. -- Perceiving a gross world of many gross things. I'm.... gonna drink water and do who knows what. Oh, work for now. Yes

@SQAAD Reality may be hellish, but it's also "fair"

Oh dear, just woke up in the middle of the night after 2 hours sleep. Yesterday was a crazy day, but so was the day before that. It's looking like I might have to go on meds soon if its like this. I'd have to travel back home to pick them up. It would help if I could simplify my life in a few ways, and establish an eating and work routine. Right now my eating is garbage and I have no clue wtf I'm doing. At this point, it would do you good to fucking just eat cereal milk lmao. My god man. But then what for dinner?.... That's a little harder isn't it. Shit -- As for work... Yeah, that's just gotta be the 1) thing to start doing properly now. As soon as I figure out wtf to eat for dinner holy shit. Time to eat like a white person since I can barely cook on my own, whatever that means about their bland courses. Ugh food is not going to be easy, not one bit, you're pretty fat in mentality right now and stressed. You've got an idea what you might do tomorrow, but it's gonna leave you unsatisfied, so that sucks. Maybe you should have bought Cous Cous after all! Then chicken? Chugging plenty of milk tomorrow, milk has been good to you in life, all things considered. It has nutrients you need, is my sense rn. Being a human is so fucking annoying like holy shit, can I just forget about this eating business and be satisfied, drowning in honey and milk as my vibe. It's painful how dysfunctional this health is right now. Like seriously... Uh..... Regardless of your life path this makes no fucking sense to do like this. Not joking. GIVE ME YOGHURT AND NOURISHMENT, I NEED YOGHURT I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT YOGHURT. GET FAT EATING YOGURT 24/7 AND YOU'LL BE AT PEACE IN LIFE. THIS IS THE ONLY THING. It sure beats this! So yah. ----- You should in all respects be dead by now, but you're still moving. The splittings, relearning of how to interact with the world, its like that meme of mechanical breathing. Felt an influx of emotion yesterday, but as I stepped outside my house to meet everyone, felt my karmic being, it was like wearing a costume. I'm was just fucking wearing a costume, and it made my hysterically defensive. Ofc, that emotion breakthrough faded, but what ensued was a series of insights and realizations about the degree of my state. I can only learn about myself in how I interact with the world outside now A series of realisations, contemplations of the mechanics of this all. Technical language describing it. The insights were flooding me: >What is going with, or why, my weird perception of the world outside my eyes? I can sense what feels like a boulder in my experience. I obviously have "issues" in the slang sense of that word, and I'll probably try diving in if I can. I don't know neuroscience, but something concerning impulse control and attention is running without me. >If I wanted to wax poetry, it would be like some sort of deep retreat into the most primitive animal brain... Some sort of severence would be more accurate, since I'm spewing this autism out of my mouth without normal filtering. Fucking weird isn't it. I'm wondering whether there are disconnections, hyperactivations, etc etc. >It's so odd that like, When I talk to people sometimes irl, I can be so animated, or control my body with such hyperawareness and detail, Yet its so unreal and fuelled by a deep, deep anxiety >Oh yeah, another thing. In light of the experience of this severence, some mechanical component of the verbal fears and ocds are... Rendered to be unreal, but I never noticed how that was before? I was about to say something else but forgot. Yeah so this splitting, duality, severence. It's probably as though, if I put my attention "on the other side", one of the worries about the other side gets ignored? I had this thought very specifically in regards to my instant threat detection senses as I walk about in the 4D world. Okay, the fabric of this should have very matching geometry to the way in which I personally am spewing this all out on online m. Oh bro, even the geometries of this anime I'm watching are now in my sight. -- I don't have a "self" in the conventional sense anymore, I do not have a fixed persona. I have a very thin skin, am quite sensitive, but I don't have quite the regular "persona" that most people do. Costuming, costuming, emptiness. Its cold and lonely, "feeling feeling" is what I'm trying. Did 5 mins of shamanic breathing today and it sent me way off into energy body vibrations. Way off into the stratosphere of repressed kundalini. I know this will sound crazy, but it's almost as if for the past some months I've been inadvertently cultivating negative kundalini or something. Like, literally descending to planes below the physical, its pretty fucking mad. If you were in my reality, 90-95% of people would have killed themselves. {what if that's the reason I've been masturbating less??} Still can't solve my anxieties, even if I'm in the light and colour state, its fucking infuriating me and I'm gonna NÎGGER NÎGGER NÎGGER NÎGGER NÎGGER NÎGGER NÎGGER.... if it doesn't get solved MOBILISE, SHAMANIC BREATHING MONK MODE 2.0, PART TIME SCHOLAR AND WARRIOR. You stopped using logic about over a month ago. Like honestly, I merely give the appearance of it, but all these retards are clueless. And for even longer than that I've stopped being a scholar, as well as rejecting the status of normal monk. To who and what will this righteous fury, at this gross world of many gross things, be directed? If, that's how it actually is. Make the strikes count as correct and true if that's so how it is, I mean is it possible for me to develop discrimination with this? I hope so, I'll make it so So, rambling aside, I'll probably be able to sleep again. Oooooooooo I just found this, love it

The exact plottings and schemings of this are not purview to my knowledge, let alone explanation. Right now I'm in contemplation of my sleaziness after receiving a slap awake. After explosions of intellect, my mind went to laze around in thoughtless cruelty and conceptual stupidity.