lmfao

I don't know if kundalini has the same kind of existence of lets say, this table in front of me.

It feels like I've got a new default mode to adjust to now. Some kind of is-ness feels non-abiding. So bizarre, I'm in awe and sadness at the same time tbh. Maybe I'm in a sort of spiritual high, who knows. But it definitely feels like something substantive is here now. It's very different to ecstatic bliss you might get after meditating. It feels more real. Why is it that it always feels like the journey is only just beginning? I think part of me is dead now. But whatever isn't true could never be lost anyway.

Saturday 13th June 2020 01:35 am I'm constantly running away from that which my awareness can see clearly. So I run away from it constantly by distracting myself with the internet or technology, or with anxiety over trivial things. I am scared of no-self. That there is no certainty or ground to life. That there is no past, no future, it's all now. I can see this more and more clearly and it terrifies me. Part of me thinks I've bitten off more than I can chew. But to be honest, it's not really like I "chose" any of this, it just happened. I've been afraid to meditate for a while because I know I've seen and will see too much. The magnitude of sacrifice required for all this is starting to hit me. It is the surrender of everything. For a while now, I've felt emotionally blunted. My emotions are coming back now more, positive and negative. And old negative emotions I used to feel are surfacing up more. So in some sense I feel like I'm reverse ageing, with these deja vu's. I know that I'm in a dream, the only thing which can be done is to follow through with it all the way. There's no turning back after a certain point. I'm at that point. I'm freaked out, this is out of my control. Holy shit. I have no choice. Death is inevitable.

@JayG84 Neon Genesis Evangelion. It won't make sense why without giving spoilers for the unexpected directions the show takes you in. SPOILERS AHEAD IN POST The show is asking the question of, is non-duality better than duality. Would it all be better if everything and everyone collapsed into a singularity of understanding and completeness This little philosophy is quoted specifically in the show (with an amazing soundtrack) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedgehog's_dilemma

Good luck chief.

The politics forum is green on steroids a lot of the time as well. And just general tribalism from any stage. If one were to point out the relative and illusory nature of politics there, you'd be met with a mechanical response of defensiveness. I have a feeling that people have tried to mimic Leo's mindset of not tolerating bullshit, but it doesn't really work. Spiral Dynamics is being uniformly and haphazardly applied to as many things as possible in discussions on the forum, not really a good thing either. It becomes another form of discrimination and hierarchy. It's especially present in politics and self-actualisation sub-forums. This is the problem when a model is too good. People lose faith or investment in their own faculties and defer responsibility of their opinions to an outside authority. I don't know about you guys, but I can say that for myself that my responses to people which involve lots of spiral dynamics talk are more mechanical and more mindless. I'm just regurgitating ungrounded memory.

I have a pride about not taking painkillers since I don't won't to be a wuss who anaesthetises their consciousness. I'm considering taking paracetamol before sleep since I have insomnia. So I'll try my best to pay attention to how that feels and works out. Since I'm also trying vaporub at the same time I'll need to co-ordinate the times I take them so I can have controlled variables and pay attention to how it feels. I live in an asian family full of medics, yet they all seem to treat paracetamol with a mystical reverence. So if anyone here has experience with painkillers in general, e.g. paracetamol or whatever, writing about it here would be appreciate. If your post resembles that of a log entry with detail acquired by mindful and sharp observation, all the better.

The line between surrender vs repression of "needs" is something we all have to figure out for ourselves. I think this highlights something involving thinking about the difference between the domain of the relative and the domain of the absolute. As in, it might be possible to be in a state of meditation 24/7 regardless of your external environment in the absolute sense, but practically speaking that is very difficult to achieve without first doing what you can to better your external environment to aid the process. This is an example where someone might use the domain of the absolute to say, there's no point in any formal practice like seated meditation in silence. But practically there's use. Here's another way of thinking about the above thing I mentioned of how important external environment is. Think about the mentality of a Christian praying to Jesus for something, or the mentality of law of attraction in general. For the law of attraction, you have to do everything in your own power to facilitate getting what you want. Only then does God answer your prayer. Whether what you want enlightenment or whatever. Different people have different degrees of power, and one facet of this power might be your ability to control the external environment to be conducive to spiritual growth. But what's important is that you're doing the best with whatever grace/power you have. It's the intention that you are fully committed and will do everything you can. If I have lots of power over my environment, as most of us do in the free world, and I don't use it for getting what I want then I don't want it badly enough. Suppose someone else has very little power but uses that power to the fullest they can. Even if I have a better environment than that person, our difference in attitudes and commitment is the only thing which will count in the end as to who will succeed. They will achieve it but I won't.

After exercising I'll often feel a bit dissociated from my surroundings and myself. I've been making a lot of good changes about myself and my lifestyle recently as well, so maybe the dissociative symptoms are ego backlash. Feeling as though my life is a bit like a dream or movie. I've made a lot of good changes to my routine and thought patterns at once maybe, and all the physical/mental/spiritual flux is messing me up, I don't know. Seeing too much at once maybe, don't know. This feels like some "dark side of spiritual work" or something, even if I haven't really been engaging in meditation or yoga or formal inquiry. But just from self actualisation changes to myself. I'm just making this thread to see if anyone here has experience with dissociation and dissociative symptoms after exercise, or just how exercise in general effects you if you have had dissociative tendencies before. Recently I've developed more of a mindset of "weathering the storm". So if I have a negative feeling which won't go away I'll just try to stay with it regardless of how long I have to. There's a weird "high" to the dissociative symptoms, so maybe it isn't so bad that I needed to make this thread. I'll have to stay with it more. I think that it's just my mind a bit foggy and drunken/disjointed in leaps when feeling like this. Which is to say, a lack of broader perspective of how this is fine. Crossed fingers this isn't an omen of schizophrenia to come. I spent so much time just observing my body today, acting on instinct, which I don't normally do. So I hope this is the shedding of some skin or something, time will tell.

@Michael569 Wow, thanks for the comprehensive reply, feels like I just got a functional doctor consultation for free. Yeah I think I'll leave taking paracetamol. I'll try those herbs and oils. I've used valerian root tablets in the past, I think I might have overdosed and overused them. I wanna say this was 3-4 months ago I had an awful habit of taking too many. I ran out of the tablets and left it cold turkey, I can't remember whether I had issues with that. @Arcangelo Nah bro I ain't about that life @IJB063 CBD oil seems woke @LastThursday Yeah I like that blue light blocking glasses idea. I have flux installed onto my computer but I need to use it more.

Whether it's a rebellion against being overfed meat when growing up or my preferences have changed I too am getting more put off from meat. Meat feels like eating inertia to me. No fibre in it either. Someone else would probably call it "acidic" or something. Compared to the "alkaline" feeling you get from eating a raw beet or raw green pepper. Meat, eating it sometimes feels gross. Unless it's tasty. Then I usually accept it but will regret it later, but only slightly.

You ever seen those fictional films that scare young kids into being cautious drivers? I was in school and shown this film where because this teenage girl was an irresponsible driver, she killed her best friends and everybody hated her. The end. I feel like police officers are shown similar training videos to become cautious but instead the whole police culture becomes fear and power based.

Yes, it's an amazing book. Even though Alan is a god-tier speaker he's still very good in writing it seems. Free pdf anyone can find online, I have the paperback though. It's a simple but extremely profound read. https://antilogicalism.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/wisdom-of-insecurity.pdf If you like Alan Watts, I hope you've also heard of Krishnamurti.

My mind has categorised two conventional ways to view atheism. You can look at what the definition is for it literally, or you can look at the school of thought and traditions around it. So either you can take atheism to be or choice number 2, you think about the intellectuals and public figures who've created an identity and ego around the label "atheist". The likes of Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens falling into this category. This whole shtick . I'm sure there's a vast tradition to atheism outside the the people I just mentioned which could better define what this category precisely represents, but that is all particular details that's irrelevant to this work. The most robust formulation of atheism: Atheism is just a negation of dogmatic religion. It is willingly entering the space of not knowing. ----- Advaita Vedanta as a tradition has some "theistic" tendencies you could say. But thinking about that in linear terms is irrelevant to the practices and waking up. ---- The main point however. Atheism or theism, the way the typical person phrases or thinks about this just misses the point of zen and these practices. If there is a resolution to these questions and the unsatisfied mind that generates them, you aren't gonna find it in some scholarly discussion about it.

Random entry: In regards to neurotyping and the lexical vs impressionist dichotomy. The fact that creative writers are often on the impressionistic side of things shows the grey area of this all. They're using lexicon to be impressionistic. And math which is the best analogy for pure lexical thinking is reducible to verbal-philosophical statements. A dictionary alone doesn't characterise a language really. Because if you look up the definition for a word you get more words, and each of those words are defined with more words, which are in turn defined by more words. It's a web of circular ,meaningless assertions. In isolation, a dictionary is meaningless. But it isn't in isolation. The network of meaningless words and associations is endowed with meaning by, and constructed in the first place by, some ineffable process. Which you might call "induction". It involves context. At the most simple level, you hold an object in front of a baby and say "ball". The baby gets it. And in general that induction, which is the very basis of learning and grasping something, is not describable. -- The fact that this indescribable process of grasping can be pointed to and alluded to by words like "induction" will in most cases create an ignorance about the process. Because often accompanying the naming of something is the illusion that it has been understood, and "explained away". There then comes the feeling that since it's been explained away it is no longer magical. The word "induction" is pointing towards a process that involves consciousness, the observer, the subject. But I imagine the typical modern day philosopher might get lost in semantics and not see the bigger picture and magic about that. This isn't just about this particular topic, but about the general notion of naming something and making words for something. But it hasn't been explained away, any such notions that it has been aren't looking closely enough at existential assumptions, and circularity of the minds' thoughts. There often isn't any basis to your mental noise when inquiring into these things. Your mind just has a response for things that you don't know why it gives.

Came across some psychological system that an anime YouTube called Digibro made in categorising anime characters but can also be applied real life people. In addition the dichotomy in the title of this thread, there's "lateral vs linear". Check bottom of post for video link. Lexical Thinkers will have the degree to which they can understand something be closely related to their ability to codify their thoughts into "verbal/logical syntatic form" (I'm just trying to give a rough, accurate phrase here). The tendency for them is to process and express things in terms of language and words. Their cognition is more "orderly" in this sense as well. Extremely lexical thinkers will have a hard time understanding things which can't be put into words. * Impressionistic thinkers will understand things but find it more difficult to put it into words, and might find other methods of communication more preferable. The structure of their mind just doesn't lend itself as easily to processing or communicating in precise words. Their communication and thinking is less so in the form of some symbolic logic system. A lot of them might be more artistic, implicit and "naturalistic" in how they interact with the world. A common conflict which can arise in communication is when an impressionistic thinker uses language very loosely as a tool to point to or paint a picture or communicate some image/impression rather than communicating a precise point. The lexical thinker will demonise the impressionist thinker as a lunatic or as being nonsensical, leaving the impressionistic thinker frustrated and thinking they're talking to someone autistic and not on the same "intuitive plane" as them. On the other hand, impressionistic thinkers will perceive curious and honest lexical thinkers who explore things in their way with more precise verbal questioning and exploration to be dismissive/aggressive and missing the point. It isn't that they are missing point just that they're trying to build more and that this is their mode of being. I see this conflict happening all the time in this forum and in real life *Whilst it maybe be easy from this to think that Lexical Thinkers are always stuck in their head, lost in concepts, and hence worse in spirituality, this is not the case. Lexical Thinking and Impressionistic Thinking strange-loop into each other (yin + yang shit). An example of an amazing lexical thinker would be Peter Ralston, who's insatiable curiosity for what is exactly going on in consciousness formed him into a genius and master. You can think of the existence of lexical thinking as an attempt to see reality with greater clarity and visual resolution. It is a way of seeking clarity in hazy unconsciousness. In trying to understand reality in general, it's a strange-loop mixture and it is both hazy and precise at the same time. Think Alan Watts prickles and goo analogy. Another thing, within this video, laterality vs linearity is also talked about as an independent dimension to lexical vs impressionist. Lateral thinkers will have multiple things and multiple threads with the things they say, and will hence be harder to understand because of it. Lexical lateral thinkers will still have it very rough in trying to communicate with people. Lateral Impressionistic thinkers will have it even worse in trying to communicate to people, even if their understanding of themselves and the world is exceptionally intelligent. Whilst you can consider something around the vicinity of "IQ" to be an enabler of high laterality, it does not imply high laterality. As with the previous dichotomy, both have their advantages and strange-loop into each other. Here's the video. For a few minutes at the start he talks briefly about his model in general, what the different terms mean and his system in general. Then he talks about the 16 quadrants he made for different degrees and combinations of (lexicality/impressionistic)-ness and (linearity/laterality)-ness. In the YouTube description are timestamps for the different quadrants and columns he examines in his chart. God I find this shit so fun. If I had to put myself on this chart somewhere, it would probably be at somewhere between analyst and fascinator. Leaning towards analyst, maybe quick-witted. Biologically I'm lexical but have gotten more impressionistic as I get older. Also, take the titles given in this chart with a grain of salt. They aren't to mean you act upon some specific role "e.g. caretaker", the names are just there to try and communicate some impression about the category. Check the YouTube description timestamps if you want to see a description of each type.

I wondered today if its depressing that everything in the universe is space. Initially I was just thinking about threads, lines. ( For context, my mind has always been quite visual and fascinated with structure & motion. ) I was thinking about strings, yes, strings. Like a string also being a set of things that "just go together", an angle I hadn't had felt so deeply before. But then also thinking about strings in the sense of, strings of information. Language being a specific string of letters. It's quite a binary, linear thing. All structures in reality just being like strings of information. And space itself, my mind pessimistically looks at it reductionisticly. The dread and depression I feel from it is similar to the depression of a determinist. Everything is binary, linear. I remember having an insight a very long time ago that space itself, the human mind, can't transcend sum of the parts thinking. And sum of the parts thinking is depressing. ---- I just imagine a ball moving through space. The ball is moving to the right, and the other dual lens is space is moving to the left rather than the ball moving. Or I just think in images , comparable in metaphor to the sort of conservation laws you get in physics. e.g. If there is an infinitely thin barrier between two objects, and a cloud of charge exists in object A and enters object B, the amount of cloud leaving A is equal to the amount of cloud entering B. That linearity, that binaryness, that's what depresses me. Even if the cloud is, instead of charge, replaced in imagery of instantaneous "flow" it's still the same linearity. Colour and flavour exists. But there is a blockage I'm having to it. Whatever this qualitative dimension is, it often eludes me. My mind is like a knife, it dissects thing and seeks to see things at a higher resolution. Any mindfulness I do have is like a knife, making more and more spatial distinctions. It's why I've always resonated with the likes of Peter Ralston or Krishnamurti. (and lol, that string theory exists didn't cross my mind until writing this message now. Idk anything about string theory, just something random and pointless in relation to this) What I'm reflecting upon here, I think it reflects well why I've lost passion for the things I used to enjoy. I never really gathered the words before or could figure out why precisely my passions have changed. I'm now about to finish my 2nd year as a physics student. I used to love math, science, discussing shit. But now I've reached this unsurmountable obstacle, of realising that my mind and that "space" can't transcend sum of the parts thinking, and finding that so utterly meaningless and depressing. Boredom and indifference.

This view of mine in this thread is but another position to be surrendered. @Synchronicity Yes. I've started to see through what I was saying a bit more now. I'm still far too unconscious.

Thanks for the replies guys. All round good advice. A few of the replies changed my perspective a little. I've started to understand him a bit more. I think what it is as well, just very different personality types. He's a workaholic, juggling the equivalent of 2-3 jobs at once. And because he's juggling so much and is under a lot of stress, he can be brash and disagreeable and terse to those around him. He's very much a practical "do-er", can be perfectionistic in a Gordon Ramsay sense, without so much rage though. But I think I might just find a lot of the stuff he's interested in boring and mundane XD.

@WHO IS death=flux. Ask yourself what flux is.

I say this not to dismiss your question but to encourage you to think broadly about this if you haven't already. Don't take for granted that reality is love just because everyone here appears like they know so. The world is riddled with pain. Suffering, conflict and its worst, sadism. So if you're contemplating police brutality, try and see these broader patterns wherever you can. Whilst what I said in the previous sentence might seem to encourage whimsical/abstract thinking, it should be done in the opposite way, where you have a fine eye for detail and yet look a the bigger picture at the same time. Paradoxical but such is all this. Any random starting point is all anyone can do, so thinking about police brutality is great. I also understand you could have made this topic to spark a discussion and just observe.

@Parththakkar12 How deep are you willing to go into this: 1) Taking survival for granted: from a pragmatic point of view, protesting and riots put pressure to get what you want. It can be as simple and linear as that 2) You can contemplate survival in all its forms

@Leo Gura Very true about Trump. I'm just hoping Biden picks a good Vice President candidate. SO LONG AS HE DOESN'T PICK FUCKING AMY KLOBUCHAR I THINK WE MIGHT BE GOOD. https://edition.cnn.com/2020/05/29/politics/amy-klobuchar-vice-president-criminal-justice-record/index.html If Biden picks this woman to be Vice President candidate, I'll be lost for words. She's absolutely terrible and uninspiring, probably the worst fucking choice.

@AtheisticNonduality I love The Amazing Atheist. I only hope this newly invigorated hatred towards trump and the government is transmuted into democrats being elected. Because for a while now, I've felt certain Trump was just gonna win again. But machiavellian thoughts of election aside. I hope this is, or at least close to being, the last straw of pressure that the police and government can handle before they seriously reconsider their policing. Provided that there is some sort of epiphany or change in strategy which can be had by whoever is behind the scenes at the top of all this. But it probably won't be. And I have the unfortunate feeling that maybe everyone will forget about George Floyd in a month or 2 , and Trump will still win

For a long time now, I've been having repetitive thoughts. My mind imagines myself to be in the same physical locations, over and over again. This list includes - Various different facilities and rooms and fields in my high school - specific areas outside of my primary school, as well as the fields there - Specific and different areas of this old couple's (who are effectively my grandparents) home - Virtual locations in video games -al-Masjid al-Ḥarām in Saudi arabia that I visited - The village community centre near where I live Just writing that list down doesn't communicate the vividness and frequency with which I revisit these places. Doesn't communicate just how intrusive some of it all is. I could spend a long time enumerating all the places that come up. Or writing down what associations and themes that are with each of them. But that would be too long, I'm consciously realising more and more places everyday that my mind is visiting every day. To describe it all would amount to an autobiography. There's just such a large world of images I've built. Anyway, within the last hour I had a breakthrough in figuring out the meaning behind two the of the locations my mind repeatedly visits. My mind visits the art room in high school because thats where I would talk to my crush a lot, my mind revisits the D&T department in high school because that's where I found out she was dating and asked out by someone else. The meaning behind all the locations I visit. It's all starting to make sense now. Its undigested emotions and memories. Which "deep down I knew" what they represented but didn't actually know consciously. Rather, I refused to let myself know. Weird to experience this first hand. I would call this a facet of honesty. It is a subtle layer of dishonesty and self deception that allows whats obvious in your face to not be seen. My problem however There are still things and locations I cant make sense of. Repressed memory is a bitch. It's so irritating. That I'm on the cusp of grasping something but it eludes me. I feel like I've lost the tangible details or factual account of what events occurred in what location, but some emotional/implicit memories still remain. Does anyone here have any advice or practices for how to bring this stuff up to the surface? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes my mind is chaotic. Just a massive haze and cloud. Which might be in any or no direction. Completely nonsensical, no order. A tornado of meaningless noise. A massive accumulation of impressions, loops of experience being played over again as well. At best it can be channeled into a creative force when doing amateur sketching. Or random obsessions which quickly fade. Threadiness, hairs, webiness, insects, streams of water, is/was a previous obsession. Ended up morphing into thoughts about embryos, inquiry into the difference between definition/resolution and undifferentiated mush/goo. Inquiry into the difference between order and disorder.