lmfao

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  1. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    I see it now. Every step is loss, and there are more steps to take and more loss to be had, I simply will keep pushing on, everyone looks like a child on a playground in comparison. I can go much further than this if needed, I am nowhere near finished. I am not out of energy at all for this, But be careful, for protagonist and enemy are the same person in this. Deception, deceiver and deceived are all one. Maybe I could chat some people up, join some groups, indulge in the pleasures, but that would be off rhythm. Let my mudra be this; I give up ____. I give her up completely. I will offer up everything to go further, for the alternative is intolerable and boring. I stake my life on that This sharp razor blade feeling in my throat from covid is apt, -- I know that I'm "just" riding this wave. With demonic/angelic presumption I cast aside all desire for specific human connection. So what is left to be hungered for? Switching back to normal speak for a second, continuing what I've already started, and seeing what happens when I move living places -- Alright so. "Anxiety" drives it mainly, a form of excitement. Okay stay there, What question can you even formulate? What "should" can you do? Now go back to staying there.

  2. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    "Someone who is feeling fear has nothing to say. So they have nothing to listen to." Wrong, since I find my kicks by being in danger or conflict. Is it boring and shit? Yes but its how it goes here I can't judge for sure, but I'm going to go full skeptic route. Whatever my eyes cant see, that doesn't exist. This video crossed my mind today, https://youtu.be/yAvL9B_Y1Ag And then I thought about how God is essentially anthropomorphised/projected. So if undoing my projection requires looking at the thing doing projecting, why would I continue to project again and believe in that? It's my task therefore to eliminate delusional thinking, such as the thinking I'm possessed by angelic energy. The archetypes obviously exist in the unconscious but they're just that human shit, its all that human shit Let's not get delusional in denial about any of this here though. Yesterday, or day before yesterday, you were depressed and noted how you ran out of that energy. You didn't even have rage anymore, for weeks you haven't. So. You get yourself feeling rage again somehow through music, and you decided to tease some people online, and have some fun conversations, And then that acted as a slight activation for shit, and you're still in that flow, We're looking at mood swings, whatever the medical or psychological description for it is -- Philosophically there's dialogue about whether the external world exists or not. About whether its material or not. There's the psychedelic conundrum, that high states come from chemicals. Synchronicity is the default and ordinary ordering of energy, the standard rather than the exception, and this is shocking for people when they first realise it, Even so. Is it not yet again in the eye of the beholder, the one who sees synchronicity and sees manifestation? But that skeptical thought doesn't land much on what can be seen anyway. I'm inserting thought for the sake of it out of habit, when there's no need. I know what synchronicity is like, I'm just waffling with words out of paranoia and explanation to imaginary persons reading this I'm surrendered, and waiting to see what happens when I move where I'm living again or not, whether the psychiatric appointment goes through, The real question then becomes, what's the point of the life path unfolding, with its synchronicity. There's obviously order but the order is pointless, again. Shall I just rape, murder slaughter?
  3. @Happy Lizard Spiral Dynamics claims to be constructed by looking at human society and psychology empirically. Spiral Dynamics isn't deductive reasoning, it's inductive, When people get into the framework of SD and observe different groups in the world, they have a million examples they've clustered into any given colour (look at the millions of past posts on the forum on SD), and I would argue the confusion and structure of the discussion ends up defining the model, unfortunately. The jump between tier 1 and tier 2 is describing nothing more than divergent and associative thinking.

  4. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    Someone who's overcome with fear has nothing to say — it's almost true
  5. @SQAAD Um no, so you don't exist, reality is a composite of layers upon layers and there's no core If you're struggling to function in the world you should probably think of yourself as human
  6. Hmmm, yeah ? Online socialising also be like that yeah
  7. @Loba am I correct in thinking in the past you probably approached narcissists with the idea they weren't narcissists and were instead gaslighting?
  8. So I've done a lot of contemplation, just living life (although my life is bad habits rn), shifting mental states I've been trying to deconstruct stuff, sometimes it's just in the back of my mind if I ignore it. For example I was contemplating and poking holes in love and connection, saying examining the logic of such people and talking slowly about it, carefully You can look at my signature for some spirit in me -- So, what I realised is that some anti sociality bursts happen in me, and when u sit in that feeling of power, the ego wants to take credit. (thanks David hawkins) The ego is a knot in the stomach, mmmhhhh right there, its like a grindstone of pain It contrasts my teenage personality of feeling unconsciously controlled (by others) , being polite and passive,* Interestingly enough though I don't even think I was passive as a person if my memory right now is an indicator (maybe controlled in certain ways which were intolerable to me upon being seen, but other people don't realise. It was passivity integrated and subtle, but nonetheless forged me) *So I calm down, slow down, and just try to let go of the tension. I've neglected myself into depersonalization and animal brain mode, where it feels in a bad way (not enlightenment way) that what you're doing isn't you, so I'm going to just consume the material world to heal hopefully -- I was making this post in case anyone else can relate to this chase and conflict with nihilism, maybe you're at stages as well as not knowing what to do when you've gone down it so far. God bless
  9. @Kay100 make an effort to inject naturalistic explanation, rather than just magic Early today for example, I had "lucifieric" stuff 'hijack' me but its not very useful necessarily to work from that level. Neither is it necessarily harmful, I'm just trying to give up the luciferic shit, lucifer is a cun* to avoid -- Evil entities are "real" but consider the idea that evil entities are able have greater control over a vulnerable nervous system, via the extreme in what we call "psychosis". I'm not saying you're psychotic, but I'm saying to consider the natural here To validate this notion of "evil entities"; demons present themselves to all people, but they aren't noticed as such
  10. @Javfly33 Because there is no inner voice, faggôt, Or better yet just stop with this pursuit, you're gaming some rhetorical lattice. Well, I don't know why you'd stop it

  11. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    Zened out. There's no here and there, no change either. I am not feeling great though, I'm at that weird energy crash from running and I masturbated with loneliness. Can I be loving and also strike through the wall and break confines? I feel like shit but there's no paradox to construct with a silent mind. But ofc the state fades its just been a while. It is odd to be in silence
  12. Boring part out of the way first, If it's your dharma to build a suicide machine, then you build a suicide machine. If it's your dharma to stop people commiting suicide, then you stop people commiting suicide. That's the ultimate case of the matter, I don't have an opinion on the matter if you ask me personally. -- But what's interesting is this. The energy around this domain stinks and is nauseating, yet you've got these people building suicide machines, making it their occupation I know from experience, the energy here is truly sickening, you curse yourself by entering here. I've done lots of writing on the geometry of shame and energies lower than that, and have a good understanding of it now. I've probably dropped into lower astral realms, basically found a negative kundalini energy. I know that sounds retarded but I think it's true. Anyway, it's not a good place to be, I'm crawling out Perhaps fortunately or unfortunately, information on this isn't easy to find with a google search* But if I'm cursing myself like a Blood Hunter in D&D's (people who turn curse themselves into monsters to fight monsters), I'm not doing it to kill suicidal people. I'm doing it for something grander or more important, like "slaughtering my enemies" (the third eye might get hijacked in that way at "negative energies"). The LOC 0-1000 scale is wrong if you understand it as bottoming out at a 0. Empirically; take the energies and the phenomena it describes; twist it into something off the scale, go ""negative"", and a new ruleset is discovered And there could just be many arbitrary dimensions and millions of unexplored lands in consciousness The lower energy lands I found were dominated by math and had a very geometrically solid feel to them, running on """logic""" even if feeling is absent. There was pattern, energy of a different texture, but its scary and not worth it imo *People need to be warned about this shit. What I described as "negative kundalini" was probably something that happens after regular chakra shuts down below the spine, and then you descend "lower" down in consciousness, and weird reversal occurs. It's terrible, I recommend it to no one
  13. @SQAAD Don't know what to say to you mate. I spent the last some months going crazy into my shadow and have lost a lot of me in a bad way, it's a miracle I haven't killed myself. I went the direction of the unconventional, pushing harder and harder autistically to "break the wall". But now I've crashed, I'm probably in a mild schizophrenic or bipolar prodrome. I lost my ability to focus and think, to have a stable self, and no this isn't enlightenment. Lost my intelligence, or my attention is so scattered it can't crystallise into a normal form. Only a few days ago did some semblance of logic come back to me, and otherwise I've just been like an animalistic zombie/mad man, giving the appearance of thought but with no actual conceptual understanding or concentration. But now I'm surrendering control and I give up in a lot of ways I'll let reality do what it wants, which seems to mean that I go see the doctor again, take some meds maybe, eat food, socialise more. I've been feeling more positive emotion the past week, but in the back of my mind things play I have a particular hand, and my parameters for negotiation with the field of reality feel very limiting, but that's the sense I get when pessimistic. It doesn't feel nice to say, but I've reasoned it out, it truly doesn't matter if you kill yourself. There has to be someone who represents that message, so I'll say it. It just depends if you actually want to kill yourself

  14. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    And be it the white whale agent or the white whale principle I will wre- __ Deep sea water noises haunting the back of my mind -k that hate upon him. Talk not to me of blasphemy man, I'd strike the sun if it insulted me. For could the sun do that, then could I do the other; since there is ever a sort of fair play herein, jealousy residing over all creations. God bless I'll recover but the story of breaking the wall will forever haunt me until recontextualise. It gives me chills; as I smile in the world, have fun and enjoy myself, that whale lurks in the back of my mind, beckoning I'm playing by your rules, surrendering control and not forcing. I'll recover, heal, be social, etc, go to the doctors,

  15. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    A semblance of normal logical thinking, I have access to for the first time in a WHILE. As I've said multiple times, for some weeks now I've lost the ability to think. So, how could the spiritual be real? It would mostly seem as though things are materially determined, in that e.g. "a donkey couldn't do calculus even if it tried" If I take hallucinogens, the world will at least act as though it remains the same. If I close my eyes, the reality seems to act as though it still exists. That much is obvious -- Oneness and the inability to disprove solipsism doesn't seem like good news at all to me. It means ___ isn't real and love is a lie My oponnents who can step up to me and preach spiritual will be forced to admit the material, for they are bound by the same laws of causality, and are forced to say it is neccesary. If it is the case like this, my parameters of negotiation with the field of reality are extremely limited. I would be forced to agree to your rules, "okay, I'll go eat the right food, exercise, take medication, go to therapy, anti depressants, cleanse my gut, detox my mercury, form healthy connections with people" Or I would say something like "in this nihilistic landscape with parameters, I'll take and do what I can. Use someone this need, and then move onto the next thing". But that's so shit. So nîgger, your rules are retarded, and that's the best I can admit when you restore my sanity. In my cool and cold sanity I could very well kill myself and it would be ""fine"". And again, I'm forced to face the facts of my different states. If I heal and restore a bit from whatever trough of psychosis Im in, I return to this being sane(r), just being depressed. Is my state determining my philosophy? But what difference does that make, for Ive reasoned it to be true of its own sake, taking the logic to its autistic conclusion. I cannot in truth know whether I'm right, but that would just add another nihilistic layer emotionally. So let's zoom out on the comedy of it. I'm either a misanthropic, depressed wannabe sociopath in denial that they're just depressed, or when I get even worse my brain is frayed and can't think, and I'm stuck in weird psychotic territory. -- And again, it circles around to being forced to face the facts of reality and my life. That this hand I have, these are the things I'd have to do to get better and feel better, yet now in this state I can get angry again. The loops But in addition to that are the emotional truths and wounds, and then narratives around that which stop me from entering those

  16. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

  17. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    Well today I'm in a good mood and I'm not normally. And a good mood allows for humourous outlook on life as well as misery ("lies!", screeched in hush tones) I'm feeling good enough to feel my old good me which is still depressed The little bastard in my mind whispers though, Isn't bliss empty? -- Due to malnutrition of depression and physical illness, I've been untouched by colour or light, in hibernation from this embodied anxiety. Anxiety as manifested in being or action as opposed to feeling or thought, but right now I'm in a twilight between the depression and mania? Its obvious that me visiting home was the activation trigger... No, me visiting home is synchronising with this, making science impossibile Synchronicities make science impossible, removing controls
  18. @nuwu Do you have any anime recommendations for me besides this one?
  19. Gods are apart of hierarchies that assemble themselves in competition. "Higher ideals" are the representation of the apex of mortal hierarchies, demonstrating the characteristics of that entity that wins those mortal games, and that gods are emergent. Resulting from these emergent idealized entities that win their respective hierarchical battles against each other. and these gods compete among a new idealized-idealized hierarchy that contains the properties of who wins all existing hierarchies that contain gods. to the one god. — What people dream of and put into fantasy are things available to be chosen and made actual, as a sort of speciation and evolution. (whoops, pressed enter too early. was going to change second paragraph)
  20. Editing expired, OP post makes more sense as this JP dunks on all you niggers ; ) That there are millions of gods in this playground of evolution. I usually don't like this layer of abstraction but it's something which popped up. Speciation, evolution, shamanic symbols in the unconscious, very alluring, The next evolutionarily fitness test for humans is looking like it will be "agency". But I don't comprehend it and it may be completely wrong, yet I don't see another vision. Accessing schizophrenic layers of abstraction comes at a cost of neurotic insanity, so I'm moving away from it. Serial Experiment Lain vibes, unironically *Where the "one true god" falls into this is quite ambiguous. This isn't something JP would exactly say but it was JP inspired and probably represents a compelling vision or inference I don't think I can conceptualise at all what the one true god will mean to him
  21. @nuwu Hm. Well going bare bones abstract. Consciousness must have distinctions/labelling for us to be able to have an experience (otherwise we'd just be in a void with no perception). We can refer to collections of distinctions as "context" probably, that's what I mean here if I had to clarify Even though it is supposedly the case that context limits our perception, perception itself appears completely without context, which is the same as saying A=A in your consciousness. "Something is exactly as it" Yet despite the A=A mindset, we wonder about the mindset of questioning A=A by trying to find different distinctions to apply. Thinking about the possible ways to look at something differently.
  22. Ah right. Well regardless, we good. But it really is quite interesting this view of JP Nah it wasn't, but my response was ; )
  23. Spread your pissings elsewhere, the sadhuguru emulation program is glitching

  24. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    Magic I've been trying to make it a point to not talk in magic terms but I get reminded of them and there's really no point in restricting the language of it, like some Voldemort's name. What I can do instead is open myself to the naturalistic and contemporarily "normal" descriptions as well. I treat the domain of magic like some cursed knowledge which shouldn't be given to people. I came across 2-3 people yesterday by chance online all at once who were all very familiar with what I precisely meant (meaning they had felt and understood the distinctions) and so I reverted to magic speak. I know that both the Satanic and Luciferic equally swirl around (they are distinct things for anyone curious about it), but it's really the Luciferic which seeks antagonistic expression the most. Biologically its just testosterone, aggression, disagreeableness, all fused with intense anxiety I'm afraid to say it, but prior to the Luciferic possession shit in August where I felt I lost myself, I morphed myself into something satanic-esque. The distinction between satanic and luciferic exists in theory but I'm not sure how useful that distinction is. I should have taken the advice of @Loba when she told me about cleansings and bathings. I know my father is satanic in some strange way, or at the very least I abstracted something like that. For those who don't know the difference between satanic and lucfieric. I would say "satanic" energy is heavier, aggressive, crude, etc. It was purplish for me (my visual field turned purple at the time) Luciferic on the other hand is being filled with "light". Lucifer has intense pride and arrogance. ———————— This is part of the problem. When my anxiety fades, I'm left with a dissatisfaction "is this it?". At that point it's about finding something Even my natural personality is a bit like "and so?" to people and "hurry up". I'm actually pretty laid back as a person, yet also like that. The funny paradoxical natures of us all that end up being true. Childish when I'm in the real zone ——— Okay I just got off the phone, and guilt is distinct from shame and rightly so in origin. Anyway I now know what it is I've been despising, I am conscious of my guilt towards my mother and what it should really mean. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I now get it but maybe not. The fucking pattern of communication I established with her is retarded. If I should feel guilt it's that . I am aware of my own power over her and shall be compassionate but I now recognise what it was I was hating the entire time.

  25. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    Shame Shame compensates itself by becoming very strict, rigid, and intolerant of things. This is why fascists are so repulsive, why Hitler and all manner of ideologues throughout history are so repugnant. Shame therefore tends to imply cruelty and unkindness The lower levels of consciousness are characterised by rigidity and intolerance. (this may cause confusion though, in trying to differentiate the soulful and emotional law enforcer from the greatly wicked one) This much seems as fact Dare I say it's a solid geometry and a land of absolute math So the anatomy of shame, that's how it goes. "Logic" should not be confused with shame but in the land of shame only """logic""" remains If logic only remains then that would mean logic is prior to emotion in creation, but it can't be inferred that emotion is logic by creation If single celled organisms (and other creatures up the tree) early in evolution run on logic like this then what does that say about creation? A linear tree of evolution can't be it