lmfao

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  1. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    Sunday 06/12/2020, +1 00:58 Today has not been good, double whammy of bad news in regards to my university work. I'm probably gonna fail a module or two. Working from home is very difficult compared to normal. The SSRI withdrawal is starting to act up. I have vertigo, chills, "brain zaps", dissociation, I have anxiety and unfinished tasks. I'm not having a panic attack but my stress is high. I still have to prepare some things for a funeral coming up as well in addition to this uni work. I can still chin up though, the emotions are strong but I'm able to not engage a complete emotional avoidance and lockdown. I know one thing I need to do today, but it's not gonna be fun. But "thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" , as they say. I have felt tinges of my natural/normal self returning to me since my dose was severely cut until mere scraps now. Dimensions of old emotion returning. My libido has gone up. I also feel particular flavours of anxiety I haven't felt in a while. Whilst it is uncomfortable, I prefer it this way. And it's not so terrible that I have to run away from it. Better to be a human neurotic than to be a neurotic with anhedonia who's locked from growing. I don't feel completely fucked though, somehow. In the past I would have panicked and shut down more in a situation like this. --- So many factors and forces coming together, it's an incentive to redress my life. How I spend my time, how I waste time. Steps I can take that for too long I've not taken. Every excuse and justification to not grow is fear.
  2. Making this post because I have a lot of problems with this idea of "karma" and seeing many people holding it in a delusional way. Randomly reading ' A Course in Miracles' was the spark which made all these things in my mind click. Notions of "karma", a branch of that being "sin", engenders fear. "Karma". Within all the undifferentiated myriad of associations and ways you can hold this idea, I see an underlying false thread which you can get caught in. ------------------------------------------ Extending from karma, a notion that you have "sinned" somehow to get to where you are. That Eve ever sinned in the garden of eden is a lie. What this view of karma leads to is a few things. You think you have sinned against god, "fear god's wrath" , and hence you see the world as a form of vengeance which will strike you at any moment. You walk around thinking the world always has strings attached. Zero sum game attitude. You are stingy, on guard and non generous , because fundamentally, you are scared of being hurt. But it can go deeper than just fear of being hurt. In it's ultimate conclusion, the thread can lead to a dark place. The notion of "sinning" in a dark twist can lead to shame and guilt about one's own existence, thinking that you are unworthy of anything good, and you think you deserve to be thrown in hell. And so your mind creates your own hell. A tangible manifestation of the things I'm talking about are found in Fundamentalist Abrahamic religions. They contain projected/channeled material that show delusional worldviews you project onto reality/truth ----------------------- EVE'S ONLY "SIN" WAS IMAGINING AND MAKING UP THE STORY THAT SHE EVER SINNED IN THE FIRST PLACE. Eve thinks she's in duality and fears she killed non-duality but there was never duality in the first place. The great contradiction/paradox.
  3. @InterruptReQuest There are indeed multiple facets to experience you can penetrate and have mystical highs from, or that you grasp with an insight. But there is no objective categorisation of such a thing. Everyone will rationalise and explain what they experienced in their idiosyncratic way. We will each have our own stories and narratives as/after it's happened. All sorts of shit and narratives get projected onto mystical experiences. I think all people interested in this work should take the time to reflect and unravel their psychology and beliefs. I could give my own story about how "no free will" and no-self was my first mystical experience, but that makes no difference to someone else if they hear it. As for methods. Just what everyone on this forum talks about. Meditation, yoga, etc.
  4. Jordan Peterson has brought Hitler quite a few times in his lectures, interesting points of view if you're interested in listening to JP. I don't have the interest now to watch JP, but I used to and I'm glad I did, picked up a few random things. So some people will find value. I only remember this lecture in particular where Hitler came up unexpectedly when talking about conscientiousness. Disgust sensitivity, Immune system against pathogens, authoritarianism, putting the world into boxes, etc. Interesting stuff. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3641067/ So the hypothesis here. Prevalence of infectious disease pathogens (a particular type of threat to survival) -----> More authoritarianism. Also wanting to mix with out groups less (e.g. another race or foreign civilisation, fear of the unknown ) Here's a random example which partially illustrates "why" fear of outgroups might exist as an evolution mechanism. ---- Hitler always described the jews using medical terminology, like they were a pathogen. "Disgust" being a key emotion in all this. I suppose in this case of Hitler or such normalised genocide, disgust was marketed and riled up in people somehow.
  5. This sounds about right. In the UK, and I'm presuming most of the world, they're cutting short the scientific testing and trialing time that is usually needed before a vaccine is officially deemed safe. I'm not worried about catching covid myself. I'm worried about giving the virus to others though. But I'm particular about letting random things into my body. It's not a conspiratorial thing.

  6. 3 YEARS on this Forum

    lmfao replied to Preety_India's topic in Personal Development -- [Main]

    ? So with sadness in my heart I feel the best thing I could do Is end it all and leave forever ..... IT ALL RETURNS TO NOTHING, IT ALL COMES TUMBLING DOWN TUMBLING DOWN TUMBLING DOWN ? Just kidding
  7. @Red-White-Light I mostly understand you to be honest. On the other hand. In regards to point 1, I think that an incel like myself who stays indoors all day will probably grow from it. Compared to let's say, complete abstinence, residual bitterness and insecurities. So I think getting laid a few times will probably be good (not speaking from direct experience lmao) But like you I really don't care about something like marriage or a long term relationship either. It just doesn't cross my mind much, maybe I'll change in the future, who knows. Part of the thing is that I use porn and cooming to fill some void for intimacy. But on the other hand, masturbating to porn is a grey area where its partially an addiction, but also just partially normal horniness. My incentive for getting off of it temporarily would be if my dopamine systems get refreshed, idk. Would have to commit to some suffering and challenge to find out, very difficult to this sort of nofap thing in a conscious way. ----- Also, @Red-White-Light, what's the meaning of your pfp lmao ? Is it a nofapper desperately trying to stop cooming? Or is it inspired from Leo's "look at your hand" exercises? Which is it
  8. I haven't even gone into the more straight forward obvious angle, about how a notion like karma will hold you back from deconstructing causality and time. And how it's often just an added belief system and rationalisation. Perhaps there's some relativistic use to it and poetic flair but I personally am done with it.
  9. So an update on the situation. After talking to this guy who I posted about, I felt a lot better in some ways within a week in the aftermath. I'm not completely over it, but I said everything I wanted to say honestly, got as much as a response as I could, and so senses of regret were let go of. And now it's me to decide how I feel A quote from my first message to explain things The main person I held feelings of resentment towards, the same person who I talked to, was the "1st server owner" as I referred to in my post. I still haven't talked to the 2nd server owner and I've been putting it off. I think he's more compassionate/open than the first guy. I've just been putting it off though with random avoidance of thinking about it or denial or thinking I'm done. I think it's a sneaky defence of my ego, using the fact that I already did some work on this as a place-holder/(dummy symbol) justification . However I feel fear, and hence I will do it.
  10. @mandyjw Damn, intense story and awakening. It's when letting go of trauma like this that love can feel like death hahahah, interesting.
  11. @Mu_ Very good advice
  12. @tsuki Yeah, the distinction you made between anger and hate there was a good one. Anger can be about honesty/accuracy with yourself about feeling vulnerable and hurt. Hate often involving self denial about why you feel the way you do. Lol, my thigh was twitching a lot whilst writing that. Right, I can still get closure.
  13. @Raphael I would have posted it, but it would not make much sense to someone who wasn't there or to someone who doesn't know the people involved. Yeah
  14. Back in July I made the commitment to start tapering off. I was struck with inspiration when I felt a dimension of emotion I hadn't felt for a long time, by listening to a nostalgic piece of music for the first time in a while. I've been going off sertraline/zoloft extremely slowly. Was initially 100mg but now 25mg. I've felt better in a few ways from going off, but the emotional blunting overall is still here. But it's also been difficult, like I'm on a treadmill. Running to stay stationary, as I slowly have less and less of this drug as a crutch. It feels like I've been in this flat emotional state forever, due to whatever filters on my consciousness distort my perception of time. But that's the nature of various illnesses and mental ailments, you get the perception they will last forever, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just very sick and tired of flat affect, so I'm probs gonna speed up my tapering off. Being cold turkey 2 weeks from now. In the back of my mind is a seed of doubt about whether antidepressants (which I've been on for 3 years since I was 17 and joined the forum) are causing emotional blunting or if it's just me. I feel fairly confident in saying that they did cause it, but since I've been in a slightly weird state of consciousness, slightly dazed and dissociated, disconnected from my past, my brain is just foggy and I can't judge.
  15. @Scholar go zen mode, habibi. I haven't watched any of Leo's videos for a while, go on your own path.

  16. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    Friday 04/12/2020, 02:36 I may have been compulsive in my actions today, but it's interesting what state I've been in. I woke up feeling super foggy and dissociated. But I also sense a super sense of concentration. And I may have behaved compulsively today a lot with my addictions as I do normally, but just pausing and watching myself, I feel different. A bit more relaxing and space-like. Maybe it's because I started kriya yoga again, but its also my SSRI withdrawal. Time to keep at it, it might be promising despite the multiple deadlines and stressors in my life rn. Thinking a lot about uni work, as well as the funeral for one of my best friends coming up. I might be anxious, be worried, be in pain, be distracted, but I feel a deep sense of excitement and ease anyway. My vibe and feeling is perfectly described this track. Just so relaxing and space like, but also alien and extraterrestrial with the unknown
  17. I'm not attached to this "God" thing at, but I don't see how people like this Frank Yang guy so much. He doesn't seem to say anything which actually guides you to higher places, all he does is state how he thinks things are. Whenever I start these videos of his that you guys post, I just lose attention. Even if he's talking from direct experience, I'm not sure what you're supposed to be learning from him, or what difference what he says is supposed to make. I'm not learning a new way of seeing, just someone talking a lot.
  18. @Enlightenment Nah, I'm still coming off SSRI right now. One day inshallah I'll take when I'm more stable and off these things. I'll be trying to use them slowly for therapy and shadow work rather than like spirituality or going extreme with it to understand non-duality. Did you get off SSRI's? Did the emotional blunting go away?
  19. @Keyhole Maybe "complex PTSD" ,aka gradual trauma, if you count that. Constant internal issues with my environment that built up, and when you're a young kid with autistic traits it's difficult to communicate how you're feeling to those around you, even if they have the best intentions. My parents are immigrants who grew up in very different circumstances to me, so there's a clash in communication. I was surrounded by very heavy dogmatic stage blue things growing up, but also hyper competitive stage orange.
  20. @soos_mite_ah I started taking SSRI's a several weeks before I joined the forum. It was only around that time I learnt about all this theory and new self-help and spirituality world. So I can't tell you really how it changed self-help for me. I can talk about how some of the effects they've had on me, which I can roughly judge due to fluctuations in my medications (because if I took the same dosage all the time, it would be a constant). There was a period of time I ran out of meds and didnt take any for a month as well. Edit: this is random, I don't know if it's worth noting or not, but I discovered meditation a few months before starting SSRI's. And I got mystical experiences straight away, and later I struggled to get them as much casually (I've been casual this entire time with it) -- *But despite that, drawing arrows of causation is difficult. It's a lot easier and lot more accurate to talk about a bunch of external correlates which go together, it's a lot harder to say what exactly caused what. You get into chicken and the egg circles. -- I was on citalopram before I moved onto Zoloft. Citalopram eventually started to feel weird and emotionally blunting, not working much, so I moved onto Zoloft. When I was on Zoloft, it felt good for a few months. But then it stopped giving many positive benefits, and the bad things crept up. Zoloft did more damage to me than citalopram. So it's idiosyncratic to the person. Certain emotions and dimensions of emotions are rarely experienced by me anymore ( * caveat with what I wrote above, but I'm fairly confident in attributing causation here). The rare moment I got a taste of that emotion again, it sparked inspiration in me to start coming off anti depressants. Today I started feeling withdrawal symptoms of recently decreasing dosage again
  21. Yeah, that sounds similar to how I get it. Seems like you're on a different phase of the journey with them, since I'm almost off them now after a long time on them. And you're just starting, I wish you luck. Although maybe you've been on other antidepressants before, and it isn't you being new to them. Just be weary of using it for years on end. I wouldn't want to project my shit onto someone else, so ignore what I say if that's so best for you. But I'd tell anyone using antidepressants to be careful if they end up using them for a long time. Iirc, doctors like to get people on a course for at least 6 months, which is a long time. Zoloft has a low half life, and low half life drugs are the most rough to come off of. You have to taper off very carefully and slowly.
  22. ^^this. Its a very weird experience, I ended up getting scared and quitting nofap midway. Maybe next time I do nofap I'll push through
  23. @Swarnim porn is a grey area for me. Its safe for me to say I'm addicted to it, but on the other hand, some degree of it is just nature. I've had a few, few week streaks of nofap in the past. I can definitely feel the testosterone peak after a week (but after that it drops). -- I feel as though I've accidentally let porn hijack my sexuality a little bit. Since I discovered it when I was 12, and have had no relationships otherwise, I think it can distort things (but to be fair, I was also horny when I was as young as 5 or 6, but that's an irrelevant tangent. I swear, I wasn't sexually abused though ). But I don't think it's too much programming to undo. So I'd say to anyone young to not let it influence them too much, but on the other hand, you don't need to wage war on it. Its not a moral thing, shouldn't be guilt or shame. Moderation is key with this sort of thing. Maybe if you're more saintly than me you can do nofap properly and use it transcend yourself. Just don't put expectations on the idea that abstaining from masturbating or porn alone will fix all your problems, it's just one puzzle piece, and if you want to make it transformative you have to do it consciously. Every human is different, but I'm not sure how practical or viable it is to transcend sexual urges consciously. It's a very strong drive. But hey, maybe I'm just in denial about my own compulsions and addictions. Maybe you can make it a goal to only release your sexual urges in real life with a partner or something, up to you. --- If you decide to keep watching porn. If you ever get to the point your dick is getting number, your tastes are escalating, be careful I say. It will happen, but don't let it get out of control.

  24. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    Thursday 03/12/2020, 01:16 Woke up at 13:40. Spent an hour in bed. Ate a cucumber. Spent 1-2 hours blowing up balloons and setting up things for a surprise birthday party. Did Kriya Yoga. Afterwards, brain became quieter. But brain felt slightly perturbed. Spent an hour doing research for my university homework. Ate a grilled chicken burger + chips for dinner. Birthday celebration for a few hours. Then I played cards with the family later. Pissed away time on youtube, also spent too much time on this site today. It's late now. I'm probs gonna drink a shit load of water. Do some more uni work. Maybe practice speed reading. Maybe meditate again before I sleep, I need to get in the habit of it again. Try to get up earlier tomorrow. I've already reduced my SSRI dose of 25mg into 2 or 3 day gaps, I don't feel any withdrawal yet.
  25. @The_AlchemistI've started a lot of books I haven't finished. Looking at my bookshelf right now. About 21 spirituality and self-help books. Having read some of them completely, some of them half way, some just a quarter. A few I've read even less than that. Some of the books on Leo's list are one of a kind. Leo's list essentially showed me the gems I never knew I needed. EVERYONE SHOULD LEARN SPEED READING, BREAKTHROUGH RAPID READING.