lmfao

Friday 26/02/2021 23:06 I experienced an anxiety today which led to me freezing up. And I become more aware and conscious of-* ---------------- OMFG AND ANOTHER THING I NOTICED TODAY IS THAT MY MIND KEEPS VISITING THE GARAGE. MY MIND KEEPS VISITING THE GARAGE WITH SO MANY THOUGHTS I HAD, IT GOTS ME GENUINELY HYSTERICAL THAT I NEVER NOTICED EARLIER WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. SO MANY FUCKING TIMES MY MIND VISITS THE GARAGE, HOW DID I NEVER NOTICED. SO MANY FUCKING TIMES. . HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DID MY MIND VISIT THAT PLACE AND I NEVER FUCKING CONSCIOUSLY ACKNOWLEDGED. I MUST HAVE SUBSCONSCIOUSLY ACKNOWLEDGED IT OVER A MILLION TIMES, JUST BEING ON THE BRINK OF CONSCIOUS AWARENESS. AAAAAAAHIUGH9JHBVNHJIUHJBVIUHJBVIUHJBIUJB HIUO0HOBKJ HIOUIBKJOUBK JHKUOHBKJIU80H. It gets me extremely agitated, but its a free flowing so it's fine. I'm just overcome by so much fucking joy and bewilderment that I never fucking noticed this earlier. I feel bouncy like a restless dog, going on his first walk after years of confinement Lmao this man is literally my spirit animal rn, without punching random people in the face though. Hilarious meme though PunchingBag.mp4 To give context to anyone confused with what I've written above. As I've written before, my mind often imagines itself to be in physical locations I've visited in real life ( with the exception on 1 location being a video game map). This is a part of my automatic thinking, in the background of my normal thinking, my brain is dreaming myself to be in a particular location and I dont even notice it. Particular places and particular themes make me revisit the same location. I imprint certain impressions, feelings, thoughts, energies, to a particular location, and then my mind visits that same place later, over and over. The imprinting is often random. The negative flip side of it is this. Repetitive thoughts, and visiting the same location and being trapped in there drives me crazy somehow. Obsession with certain subtle impressions and feeling. I have visited locations in my mind 100's of times over, and never even noticed where I am or that I'm doing so!!!!!! This is how unconsciousness and being lost in imagination works. And now I'm fucking over the moon that finally consciously acknowledged that my mind keeps revisiting the garage in my family house, which got demolished 5-6 years ago. I don't know why that place, but it does. And even as I type this, it just hits me hard as I realise just how many times my mind visited this place....my god. Why this place? I don't think there's a particular reason. I remember someone finding white rats in that garage. The other first things that comes to my mind immediately is a nightmare I had many many years ago, in which I was outside my house and saw the garage door briefly. Jesus Christ I just feel so free, I can 't explain it. If you were me , had your mind covered in sticky webs, trapped in prisons of sludge...the joy of being able to move on from the old and find the new. Yes, only in the new do I find liberation ---------------- *-conscious of how my anxiety/fear leads to me freezing up. So many times before that I've frozen up when I'm in stress. That freezing up is a blockage, and it is also my DPDR issues. DPDR is the conceptual dramatisation, self imposed fog of pretending that you don't know what's happening before. DPDR arises from the mind choosing denial and doublethink in the face of fear and anxiety. That's literally what it is, there is no DPDR, even though I still have it. It was always a choice, only imagined and thought of to exist through the mind learning doublethink. Denial=doublethink. When in denial, you deceive yourself. "Self deception" as Leo calls it. I was all frozen up earlier, reluctant to do something. I kept freezing every time I approached the task, but I managed to get myself to do it anyway. The solution to fear and paralysis is courage. _____________________ Something I realised when in the shower. Happiness and misery is more or less a choice. Maybe I'm not quite big enough to pick happiness yet, but I can be big enough to not pick misery. I was taking a shower, telling myself "Die in a hole" over and over and over again. A full circle irony soon hit me, as I realised those were the words I said to someone in spite over 2 years ago to someone who cyberbullied me. And I almost forgot that I did that, not a fun memory. But then, whilst I was in my rut, a certain song randomly came to mind and the lyrics in it. And it clicked for me. That my indulgence in this energy was a choice You can choose to think life is meaningless, you can choose to mope. But you could also choose to not do that. Also, this song is meaningful to me because it's the opening song to an awesome anime. And it fits perfectly with all of that.

Alright, I'll take that in mind seriously then. But I'm still unsure or agnostic about it being harmful, since there aren't many answers about it online. @Thought Art Good questions man, similarish boat here.

I'm so autistic/strange that I don't even know if I'd want a girlfriend, all I care about is sexual urges in that regard. But then again who doesn't want intimacy and etc, although relationships come with commitment. Will have to play it by ear once I semi-force myself to get into pickup and socialising lol. I'm not completely terrible at socialising tbf, its just so exhausting sometimes, although I am unexpectedly extraverted at times. But that's an unnatural/draining state. Idk. Anyway, that's enough rambling.

@bejapuskas I'll take that in @intotheblack Thank you. What you said is definitely largely true.... To go on a tangent here. I think it's a strange one because part of my natural (whether I'm healthy or unhealthy) personality is to want some solitude, but then obviously feelings of loneliness can arise from that, obviously more dysfunctional feelings when in an unhealthy state -- I'm definitely taking this seriously, about moving out and getting independence. My current main struggle has been finding a life purpose. When I was younger, I was dead set that my life purpose was to go into academia as a mathematician or theoretical physicist. But eventually I grew to despise that. Now I'm in my 3rd year of university and im forcing myself to finish my degree, and doing that work takes up my time or concern. I'm currently apathetically enrolled onto an extra 4th year masters. And I've been tempted to go along with it because it delays me having to enter the real world, and I get student uni life, although this is all probably shit reasons. So all I'm focused on rn is things like improving my health and lifestyle, although dealing with the uncertainty and anxiety of having no goal or strong passion is the struggle. Whilst juggling the university work I dislike. Right, for sure.

Thank you for the responses all, it means a lot @Peter Miklis You're right, lack of specificity in my post. In doing the shadow work I will/do look at those things. Generalisations are a very common tactic to avoid acknowledging the truth @Nahm This is a most wise advice. “That which we need the most will be found where we least want to look.”, I've noticed a strategy of mine is to avoid certain topics whilst deceiving myself its no big deal. I may notice the strategy, but then forget that awareness or insight. Indeed ?

@Preety_India A question to you, or to anyone reading this. Is there any point to me drinking distilled water occasionally, if I'm drinking tap water half of the time?

@How to be wise I've recently gotten into this health and detox thing after reading all the posts in this forum's archive. My current thoughts are that it's very difficult to completely avoid all these plastics or even completely all these metals, and so it I now look for things which actively detox the body. Doesn't mean it can't be avoided. But avoiding tap water all together seems difficult and time consuming. Doesn't mean you can't make the effort to avoid it though or install a whatever filter. I'll keep playing around with this water distiller I have, it's just fun really. A good book arrived in the mail today, "The Mercury Detoxification Manual" by Andrew Cutler. Its the book everyone here seems to consult on general heavy metal detox. Is it expensive and a semi waste of money? Perhaps, only time will tell after I apply the advice. But I don't buy many other things.

A random reflection on politics. I don't have any particularly strong thoughts about politics, and I find discussing it in of in itself boring. And I don't have strong thoughts because I more or less kinda see two sides "That guy might be racist but he makes some good points" Pretty much a lefty in all matters pragmatically. I will never fully attach myself to or side with the left. I may pragmatically support them, but never will I demean myself to one form of collective ignorance over another. The left is unable to be totally honest and truthful, just as society is unable to. Therefore I make the intention to disengage from politics and the such. A waste of energy and a distraction, and it's a losing game when held in a certain way.

@mmKay Nothing feels more nourishing and comfortable than an avocado to me rn @The0Self I've been looking through old health threads on this forum and found a very useful thread about DMSA you posted in, thanks

@Abdelghafar I also fell into the MBTI rabbit hole like you. I discovered it a few years ago and found it to be very enlightening and explanatory for why everyone around me felt alien. There were many months where I'd think and talk about it a lot. However for some time I knew the model was stupid to be taken very autistically, criticising other people who did that, yet I kept doing it myself. Before every MBTI convo I had, I would say "well this is all rather stupid but I'll say this anyway". Eventually I got bored of saying anything about it, and prefacing anything. I left all MBTI circles I was in back in August 2020. It was like a cancer being removed from the mind since I don't think about it much. In the back of my mind there are emotional impressions linked with memory/concepts of MBTI. In a sense, I am quite impressionable. If something leaves an impression on me, that sticks to my memory. Once I get a certain taste, my brain automatically pattern seeks for that taste, and I impose my memory over what's actual. And that applies to MBTI, where the different types and the different cognitive functions are like archetypes or broad categories. When one starts to see MBTI patterns everywhere, that's a pretty interesting phenomena. I think looking at that obsession phenomena more consciously is an opportunity for learning which perhaps I haven't fully done. But in a sense I realised recently I shouldn't hate my mind for doing that pattern seeking or being obsessed with certain images, feelings and states, and just appreciate it for what it is. And if anything it allows me to get into a hypnotic zone. -- If you're still in the rabbit hole, my advice is to just unplug. I felt great from unplugging. Don't talk about MBTI, don't go into stupid explanations about it. When the mind becomes obsessed with certain things in a negative way, its like being submerged in a pool of wet mud. And I seriously hate that feeling of being bogged down, stuck in a web, trapped in a prison of the stale.

Thursday 23/02/2021, 00:32 One interesting thing today and yesterday has been seeing the effect of choices. Because of one small choice I made today, that circumstantially snowballed into me having good/interesting conversation with my father. Yesterday, I was internally arguing with myself about what to do. I was torn between two different options. Debating whether to send this email or not send this email, debating whether to delay or not delay my university project meeting. I ended up picking delay, and I don't regret it, but it inadvertently ended up inconveniencing my digitally assigned project partner in a way I didn't forsee. I don't regret the decision. Maybe he's pissed off, I can't tell. Even if he was, it would be fine. He hasn't communicated to me for over a week, so its a blank. How this will ripple out for the next 12 weeks I have to work on this project is unknown. A few days ago, I "made the choice" to send a message to someone I only knew online that I had caught up reading the Attack on Titan manga, and they replied today and that led to a fun conversation. Every choice I make to eat a vegetable, but to also eat chips as well like I just did now as I write. Very interesting. Maybe not a good choice, I'm feeling lethargic and I need to do some work before my next meeting. I made the choice to vent out my feelings on this forum in a thread I made, and that has its own consequences. Seeing the unfolding of events, choices, paths, butterfly effects, gives one a certain feeling. Makes me remember why I love Durarara as a one of a kind show.

oh lord

@Epikur I watched this film, was pretty dope. I wouldn't rewatch it but it was good "Shhh Shhh relax and let me eat some of your flesh, my pretty snail" - crazy old guy

Good breakdown. There can be a facet to Truth where the Truth changes nothing about your situation and your problems. You get a few substantive enlightenment experiences, enlightenment insights, but you still have the same neuroses and problems to deal with. "Whatever is true was already true, so nothing changes". Whilst that might vaguely make sense intellectually, once you experience it that quote makes a lot of sense. Only one way to find out. If I look at enlightened folk talk they all have a personality and etc. And this embodiment into "high consciousness" might change them all differently. Plenty of woke people with shadows and the such. It's not a very cut and dry thing. Maybe it's like cleaning a really dirty diamond. It's was a diamond before and after.

This is a very common way of feeling and thinking when you have a big breakthrough. Something that comes to my mind are the public correspondences between Leo and Peter Ralston. Leo brought up Mahasamadhi, and Peter said that there have been many times for him where he's suddenly felt like something extreme is going to take him away. But that it ultimately passed away. Change=death, and a large enough change to certain parts of your experience feel like death and there's raw fear -- I think that even if you return to your baseline level of consciousness, certain enlightenment glimpses leave a residue or stain in the back of your mind. Where deep down you'll always know when you're distracting yourself or running away from a truth that fate won't let you deny

@Vision I meditate intermittently, Kriya Yoga never often led to my breakthroughs. Maybe because I never did it consistently. But you see that's just me, what path is for you is your thing.

@zeroISinfinity who tf is Jed

@Stomatopod I don't know about this particular man. But someone being a monster doesn't neccesarily mean they had severely bad trauma. I'm not saying they're genetically like that, neither am I putting moral culpability on them either. It just is what it is, although people always tend to pick one of those two possibilities If they want to transcend that "selfishness" , the form of their emotional work and surrender will be the same as anyone. I'm assuming ? -- So I just watched the video you posted. Overall I think you're expressing a particular energy of egoic dramaticism in your original post. Which isn't bad. My purely opinionated guess. Deep down you're narcissistically saying "Ah look at me, I'm so high consciousness that I can forgive this absolute scumbag. Haha he his mom and dad must have beat his ass. It's hilarious how he must have been neglected and beaten. Boy do I feel great being able to forgive and accept this filthy piece of trash" And I juice my own narcissism through posting this

Things feel strange, and I don't know what will become of me. Probably living my life as normal but I don't know. Only one to find out. It really is as Ramana Maharshi supposedly said, "Your head is already in the tiger's mouth. There is no escape". There are points of no return, and you have to let fate do what it does I may distract myself with this or that random detour, but my actual attention and being only ever gets focused on one thing, and that's Truth. Usually my mind is very loud. But rare times like these, it's accidentally silent as I do contemplation. I can see what's being asked of me. To step out of the shell, let it be, and I am only fine with what occurs. I can just feel my body pulsating and vibrating The surrender and complete reshaping of identity. That it will include things you never thought you had to surrender before, including family. I'm still in Maya ofc. Give it a day or two, this state may pass away. But if that's how things go, that's how it goes. All i can do is cherish. The deeper one falls into higher consciousness, the deeper a feeling of deja vu and returning you get. None of these side things from truth can suffice or satisfy "me". Perhaps I will have to make some practical accommodations health and lifestyle related for what comes of me. Or perhaps I will just continue being the buffoon I always have. It's the same either way. Before I forget this state, I will write this to you Mujtaba. No matter what happens, it's all good. It probably doesn't seem like it, but it is so. There's no difference between heaven and hell, you only ever thought there was one.

same I want to listen to things around this part of YouTube now. There are channels like "Rebel Wisdom". Another thing with long videos on YouTube, you can increase the speed at different parts if you get bored at times, and then decrease it again later after a section

Wed 18/02/2021, +1 04:14 Will be doing a contemplation on both paper and digital for this. So I will be trying to dissect and figure out what it will take or require for (me to) change. I'm in a serious and calm mood for this right now. First formulation. Which path: harshness or non-forcing? Rather than going with that question I should first look at what my dissatisfaction and desire for change is. So what is it that I dislike? Suffering, misery and sloth. Now unpacking that. Trying to look but I don't know what my suffering is. Definitely very large frustration now that I notice it. "Frustration that I can't be myself. Why or how can I not be myself? Fear of backlash and retaliation." Perhaps this is accurate So large frustration which has reached the point of subconscious screams of agony. I think these screams and this frustration should have motivated me to move and change, but why hasn't and isn't it? Conditioned loops of fear. Fearing punishment, harm. Oh dear, now my mind is going to irrational places and extremes. Considering the fear of death or the fear of terrible fate and circumstances befalling me. Yes. I now notice a veil of tightness, guardedness and secrecy that I constantly uphold. This constriction and tension must be what dishonesty is? Alright, I will focus my consciousness and etc on this, I'm glad I reached this ---- Okay nvm, lets see if I can still continue this. Although I'm not sure if I can. The space I ended up in by the end of my contemplation above is different from where I started. When you have different spaces, contexts and perspectives, their difference expresses themselves deeply at the level of language and the moment a word is conjured. Making my attempted verbal articulation of differences limp Okay sooooo....what to do, where to go. Feeling exhausted and drained, perhaps from the confrontation with my fear and dishonesty. But I also can see that I have a lot of things buried. I can sense their presence, but I don't know how to examine or bring them forth. And I'm almost certain that 99.9% of what I do is driven by these things deep within. -- I can feel frustration again...Fear...All these irrational leaps and random thoughts....I dont know how meaningful or what I can dissect here, its just blah. But strange I'm feeling the physiological fear and....bleh I'm starting to feel suddenly drowsy thats a factor. Fear after Fear after fear...embracing it by the heart --- Ugh, this drowsy insomnia and compulsion to use internet rn is a fucking pain. Should I go eat some fucking food and sedate myself? Maybe. I can eat something which will put me to sleep. mmmmmm yum,

Listening to to the intellectual conversation in this video got me thinking about intellectual discussion generally. What I've found to be most important to remember during intellectual discussion is to make sure is that you don't become static or bogged down. It is very easy to talk about specific things in way which distracts you from where you're going. That doesn't mean you can't focus on those specifics and that they aren't important, but it ends up being very possible to strain yourself in discussing it. Our mental activity is always faster than what our words can say. So words slow it down. Within a split second your mind will have an image for the next 2 or 3 sentences it wants to say, but it takes a lot longer to put them out or put exact words to it One can't deny though that you'll always have to stick through dry and boring details though -- Here's the problem with detail and specifics. If you leave out detail in favour of optimal flow for yourself, many people will be unable to see where you're coming from. If you have to state every step of logic, which I used to do, it takes a lot of time and it's boring. So for communication we usually do multiple steps at once, and hopefully be wise about which steps and which parts to explain more thoroughly. But it becomes a problem when people don't understand you.

I've seen a very small glimpse of the creation aspect to reality. I don't know how that would validate or invalidate whether there is more than 1 dreamer exists. Maybe if this insight was seen deep enough with consciousness it wouldn't be confusing, although that's difficult to believe In this ordinary ego consciousness, one can still see philosophically they don't know if others exist. If I ask myself the question "Does another person/dream/reality exist?", obviously that questioning process is occurring in my consciousness and reality. Even if that is so, that still leaves the answer unknown. A radical or existential honesty might be admitting that asking this is still conceptual, which is weird and scary

@aurum God tier breakdown there, you keep churning good post after good post

@Leo Gura yeah that's completely true. (I'm not gay) I can't be having doublethink standards now and want women to be me when I like them because they aren't. Embrace the trade offs LOL SAM HARRIS