lmfao

Wed 31/03/2021 16:53 Finished meditating. I can see myself acting on patterns and habits as they arise in the present. Slightly more in the present, somewhat detecting things earlier than you would normally. I feel as though I can see the trajectories to things. Maybe "karmic trajectories". I feel as though I have a slightly more 3rd person view, looking at my energies, the circling/oscillations.

@Loba Yeah I'm able to see. Overall speaking, everything you've writing is contextualising your view of the person overall, rather than just this thread. So in that sense it's tricky for me to comment or say a lot with certainty. What I mainly wanted to say is that reading what you wrote here, I didn't feel hostility or any such bad vibes. What you're saying feels very accurate even though I find it very dramatic and theatrical. But that's not me calling what you're expressing invalid or bad, just an observation of how I find it feeling Perhaps some of the people on this thread were operating from a particular social game, and because you weren't playing it they just default bandwagon into going against you. If someone is full of shit but they're doing it in a meek and hidden manner, who's to say you shouldn't call them out on it?

Monday 29/02/2021 +1 00:52 I need to crystallise this one realisation. What I basically need to do is. Straighten up your back, express whatever you're feeling and thinking, without filter or censoring or placating. That's the way. Unslouch, look past the distractions and circling. Don't hold back, just be. And accept whatever happens. ___________________________________________ At some point I conditioned myself not to do so. And like a Lorenz Attractor that conditioning invites in a certain persona and role. Is a certain persona and role. Usually when I type in my online journal I might overly doubt what I type when imagining other people reading it, but those thoughts are to be ignored since ultimately this is an expression of myself and is written for myself to understand. Going all psychology historian on this, at some point I must have accepted my place as someone with little value with no voice. Maybe it's because my father was controlling in certain ways. Most certainly because I felt I couldn't express my non-religiosity. Also most certainly because I felt I couldn't be myself at school with my authoritarian unfeeling teachers, and perhaps by extension all my peers. Venturing into historical territory aside, I know what I have to do. on and doing the thing. That's all that's needed. ___________________________________________ Things don't change instantly unfortunately. Acting out of condition can be tiring and exhausting. I see a foe which lies in front of me, "the tribe". A creature of my nightmares that I've ignored or avoided. Deeply haunting me. I think I forgot about it and it returned to my unconscious, having been aware of it previously. Imagery was one of the evilly smirking theatre mask. Ethereal, monolithic and monotone. Featureless dark/shadow cartoon figures of humans embodying cruelty. The big feature is the senseless cruelty, world of vanity and sadism. Picking on anyone and anything that looks different, all for cruelty's sake. It is that cruelty which scares me. That exact flavour of cruelty is personified and brought to life in a few anime I've seen. Kaiji and Kakegurui. Just think about Kaiji. The people in it are completely heartless, greedy and cruel. All warmness and heart is removed, there's just pure cruelty by those with power to inflict on those who are powerless. The losers on the ship game were sent into human slavery. Rich people were watching through cameras people walk that plank of steel and literally dying in an attempt to walk across. And the rich people were amused and smiling. And when Sahara made it across the steel beam, detail-less figures of evil men standing in circles grinning, amused that someone who completed the death-game tribulation would be denied his well earned reward and be killed at the last minute. If that isn't cruelty I don't know what is. Or what about Kakegurui. They have that house pet and bullying system, where those on the bottom rung are bullied and abused by everyone. I think this is what made those Gambling anime so amazing. I never would have expected to see the phantom haunting me captured so well in this random genre of anime. I feel scarred and scared of being powerless and of being sadistically abused How did I not make a mental note of it before!? An "imprint" location is The Pavilion. Where you used to go during some lunch times in year 8, maybe some of year 7? You remember the tribe of the "cool kids", and felt deeply disturbed by how superficial and judgemental everyone was. Imprint image of Ellis' (ginger) face. A certain moment or flicker of time my brain recalls in combination with these thoughts and feelings. I must have had that realisation and thought then, and now I can remember or switch to it. The angle/direction I'm looking at the room from, same way/direction you'd look at the room from just walking into the room. Maybe position somewhat different. ______ Details of all that imagery and memory not important, but certainly an interesting thing to have noted and expressed. When I was doing shadow work a year ago, I came across the same suppressed fear and imagery which I never knew I had. I can find it a little entertaining to look at the juxtaposition between the reality of things and the fear and imagination and colourful imagery. Crystallise and visualise the actuality of what you felt today. What it felt like to own it and just be it.

I haven't the faintest clue what it is and what caused it, but these past few weeks and months, I feel like I've been in hell psychologically and physically. I'm not sure if I've ever suffered this much in my life, not even half, even when I was suicidal 2-3 years ago. I don't think I'm suicidal rn. For whatever reasons I don't understand, I don't think I ever will/can go down that route, I genuinely can't see myself ever actually wanting or letting myself do something like that. Even if my hell multiplied. Never say never though! (only just a dark humour joke there) I feel like I have 100 different problems at once that it's hard to start anything. Too many things wrong at once. We can only do 1 thing at time, and even that I get distracted by or don't/can't carry out. It's like one massive neurotic chain where each element/link strengthens the whole. If I try to focus on 1 element, some random other element will boomerang and hit me on the back of the head, entering my mind and distracting me, pulling me down. Let me write down a list so as to give you a sense of what I mean: Deep existential despair and depression, chronic anxiety both internally and whenever I go outside, constant nausea, volatile and unstable mood, anger, chronic fatigue, [ major DPDR with multiple discontinuities and blackouts in perception, self and past], autism, trouble being honest, managing relationships, triggered by other people. Low motivation, youtube addiction, discord addiction, Netflix addiction, porn addiction, (Unmanaged things which are problems); large amounts of university work, spiritual work, health work, psychological work, life purpose work, diet. Severe insomnia and very abnormal sleep schedule, extremely intense nausea every time I eat anything, poor posture, headaches. Onslaught of negative feeling and emotion, reaching very down. I feel locked. Like I'm a robber trapped in a matrix of red lasers or something. Or like I'm playing a complicated version of Twister but in Alice's Wonderland, where there is no certainty and rules, perspectives and objects contort on a dime, leaving me confused and tortured. And of course my ego dramatises it by wanting to call it hell, I can see that fact a little sometimes without pretending/forcing insight. But it feels like hell for sure! My life feels like one bad trip and one bad dream from this POV (I maybe intellectually have a faint knowledge that my emotions/present color my memory/past). I'm 20 now, and from this current POV I feel like I was goaded and strung along to this. Like this all happened to me out of nowhere. Put on a negative path before I knew what was happening. I may have somewhat logical explanations for how things turned out this way, but the facts don't explain the depths of suffering being this deep. Only thing which could save me now is a real miracle, complete paradigm shift, but I have no clue. At the very least I can stop pretending a few minor things maybe, in this moment. I have this one particular flavour of feeling brimming and filling my present moment, and it's very painful and negative. I have no words for how bad it feels. Even though it's painful, in some bizarre fashion there are milliseconds where it feels more neutral. A wave/dynamic nature to it which isn't completely bad. I don't understand what's going on, it's still painful. I keep trying and trying to distract myself, but it's just gonna remain here until I do something or face it? Sigh. Maybe I can get through this.................Just focus on this feeling. (Move this to Serious Emotional Problems if you want to, mods. But I prefer it here for the views)

Sat 27/03/2021 12:51 People like to use the word "projection" a lot. It once had a technical meaning but I think it's good as a more broad word. What I directly see it to mean is saying/thinking/believing something which has no "truthful" basis in verbal/literal content, but is a reflection of emotion (or a particular coping of emotion, perhaps. Not sure of this part in brackets, not based on direct consciousness) I was trying to nap but here was too much of this feeling, also a few random stray thoughts. I could only sleep 5 hours last night, despite being sleep deprived yesterday. So I feel like I'm continuing off of yesterday (I made a thread) but with the negative feeling now a constant again in my experience. I'm sitting up in bed as I type this. I don't have much to say since I'm fully engulfed and suffering with this shitty feeling. I'm very very sleep deprived and fatigued, I can't do any activity either. I can just close my laptop, lie down with my eyes closed and let go and concentrate on the feeling. Maybe I fall asleep, maybe I don't. Either way

Hello everyone, thanks for the replies. I've noted all the practical advice. Other than that I probably haven't too much to say right here, gonna be reflecting/journalling. My present experience is just full to the brim with a particular feeling I can't ignore, so I'm just preoccupied with being aware of that.

I took a while typing my topic post. I just spent ages in between just sitting here on my laptop whilst paying attention to my feeling. At least today and right now, for whatever reason, I'm in a semi-zone state from just concentrating on the feeling to see it with more and more precision. In this present moment I feel some temporary relief from my emotions whilst typing this post, now feeling a blank/neutral calmness with very little content. Probably little content due to exhaustion. But this is just of course just today, and my problem is the same. [Edit: by the end of typing this post, I'm not in zone state, just exhausted with a blank] Don't know why I'm saying that. I suppose I said that all because after I was in a state of calmness, I went on to hug my family goodnight, but not at all does it feel a needy kind of love or attachment which is incompatible with me going off on my own like you're saying. Your approach of changing environment sounds nice or an interesting one. Going off on my own right now would just mean changing city and going back to my university city as I'm at home with fam right now (because of covid shit. But covid shit is easing soon). Even though it would be harder in the sense of more responsibilities and I haven't figured out my diet and energy problems, I might be going there in a month or so. Shopping and transportation might be harder there, but there's always online delivery and good planning/prepping. First I need to figure out wtf to do with food though generally, my health is really a strange mess. It really is a fight for your life in a sense.

Thursday 25/03/2021 14:47 Some strange deja vu feelings. Depression flared up with a particular flavour that I recognise. Maybe it's the time I woke up, the healthy food I ate and I'm currently hungry, the warmer temperature outside. Why was I dragged into life with any of this I wonder? Why did any of this happen? Why were my senses of reality uprooted as far back as I can remember? Why was I ever brainwashed with Islam? Why did I ever get bliss from it? Why did I ever develop an existential depression? I just rewind this unfolding and all I see are dominos and inevitably, forced into a path and fate before I could comprehend what was even going on. None of it makes sense. And for no apparent reason, I just feel the strangest feelings I haven't felt in a long time. And when these particular feelings come back, it feels like some of my memory also returns to me. These feelings. These feelings are the old form of how my depression used to feel. In a sense it feels purer, but it feels more heavy and totalistic because of that. Now I remember why or what I ever used to be explicitly suicidal for, now that I at least temporarily have these dimensions of my emotion returned to me. In this particular moment, I feel like my old self and feeling. Which you would assume is good but what it does to me is just remind me how fragmented and discontinuous I am. All these images and memories, past versions of myself, it all feels like one crazy or one bad trip. My life feels like one crazy bad dream. Maybe because I desired it so I now, at least right now, feel these feelings I had lost or forgotten. But now I feel more anxiety and fear from it. This was the anxiety and fear I turned my back on, cauterised myself to and ran away from. This pain is intense but...I also feel happy on some level for feeling what I thought was lost. This anxiety and uncertainty is intense. My recovered dimensions of emotion may pass away now, but I hope not. Honestly speaking, I could die happy like this. I'm grateful that I have my old feelings and dimensions of emotion in this moment, even if it is in the form of anxiety, and this feels like a "me" I wouldn't mind dying as. I'll take it any day over my cauterised self. I feel back in time 2-3 years ago. Some point 1-2 years ago, I have a blackout in perception corresponding to my antidepressant shenanigans. I think I'm maybe starting to understand things a bit better. I ended up cauterising myself because I couldn't handle this intense anxiety. The cost of shoving down and repressing my anxiety was the loss of liveliness and sensitivity. A tragic shame really, but I understand it. In a tragic sense, I did a mini suicide to myself already. With this currently alert and aware brain, I can see why. All I'm at right now, in this particular moment, is a visit to my state back in time. Whether I stay here I don't know. The chains of the past are both important to understand but move on from. Having this experience now makes me the more weary to arrive or finish something, dont know what that something is. Weary to overcome these chains -- I feel the flavour of my original depression, like sent back in time. I feel like a time traveller almost, sent back in time to correct the mistakes I made. Maybe this was the reason I was subconsciously attracted to this song I would listen to over and over on repeat. It wasn't until just now that I don't think I realised what the English translation lyrics of the song even meant, even though I skimmed over it. But the idea just popped into my head randomly now. I read the lyrics translations but my brain never interpreted or put the right pieces together. https://bakemonogatari.fandom.com/wiki/Decent_Black I probably interpreted this correctly the first time I read it a while ago, but my brain just now reframed and regrouped what sentences I put together to fit what I feel. Now I'm reading it as "Let's find the answer, regrets and mistakes" rather than just finding the answer (and not finding the regret and mistake). -- This primal fear and anxiety I feel, my mistake was running away from it. Well, now I feel it. Boy is it hard to deal with though

Piercing through the whitewash will turn into the truth someday I want to keep believing in it stubbornly; It’s just my faith. The absolute truth

Tuesday 23/02/2021 22:02 Sifted through an article to read the neuroscience research of internet addiction. I didn't read it all because there was information overload just stating the findings of many different studies, and referencing many different brain areas when I barely know much. The way all addiction is talked about scientifically starts to sound the same. "Prefrontal cortex, executive functions, decision making, dopaminergic system rewiring, prefrontal control, interference with cognitive function" and words like these. blah blah There were ideas about what a user's "expectancies" are, but it was no less blunt or more informative than saying internet users escape from reality to cope Small interesting idea was differentiation of Generalised Internet Addiction vs Specialised Internet Addiction. GIA as being much the result of internet topology relative to human psychology structure, and the way those two abstract things mesh. The medium itself of the internet. I.e., We evolved for billions of years in nature, our psychology is proposed to then have particular structure from that existence, and the internet is this new structure which interfaces ad fuses with that old one. But we didn't evolve with this new structure. SIA on the other hand involving pathologies which could probably develop offline in a similar fashion. -- None of what I read was practical or helpful, at most it can give the patient a sense of confidence and security that other's have given their "objective" stamp of approval that their experience and problems are valid. Which can be good. -- Now to think about health again. I'll experiment with a cereal recipe today. I'll go eat now, then tidy my room. Then maybe meditate or read. Might work out.

Monday 22/02/2021, 21:25 My life really is a maze. Interlocking and multitudinous problems, energies and forces. So many problems and angles I see, yet no sense of direction or idea where to start. I can think of many different areas, different skills, different problems, but I'm jumpy and chaotic. And answers aren't clear cut either, you get contradictions. Juggling 100 balls but most people don't see it since most of it is mental, deliberating and sitting on Reality has so many angles and layers, contrast that to how we best work and function. Humans can only do one thing at a time. We can only do one task, one activity, one step, one stroke. I lack single-mindedness, concentration, linearity, simple planning, action and time management. Can only do one step at a time....aaaaaaaa. Plastered plywood. Pastel pricks. Hmmmmm, all in all I think that.....Health is definitely one thing now. That's not the start or end of things though I suppose. 22:20 It's pretty late but imma go to supermarket rn, my sleeping pattern is like this. And I'll experiment with my quinoa cereal with coconut milk. But I'll work out ofc probs today. Dunno what else I'll do. Maybe I'll be yolo and block some more websites and etc. Right now I'm just using YouTube to blast music, but also YouTube in general anyway, and using this site. Maybe I'll block it for a bit. Maybe not I did one emotionally difficult thing yesterday, and in my ego backlash I indulged in my YouTube and junk food. Also porn. I'm powerless over my porn use. What I mainly want is to just heal the sensitivity and etc to what it is "naturally" I guess. And transmutation and facing sexuality as just another facet of life I guess. Everyone has different levels of horny, I'm probably high up there. Also remembering there's a vice going on, and not just being horny. It's both, so I'm not really sure what to do about it. Hmmmmm. Bah! Humbug! Anyway, clocks ticking and I need to go to the supermarket

@BlurryBoi I won't try to sift through the myriad of associations and impressions near stoicism, and find out what the "true form" is of stoicism. Putting that aside and talking simply. It can feel like there is dichotomy between control and letting go. What side or advice I (or you) should carry out is hard for me to discern. There's almost no such thing as a good piece of advice in a vacuum. One person might hear X advice which helps them, another person however needs to hear the opposite of X advice and it helps them. It's not just a function of the content of the advice that determines when X or not-X is appropriate, it's about how it's interpreted and contextualised/held, acted on, etc. ____ Loads of stoics are just hyper masculine edgy emos, or stoicism can act as a defence mechanism from true spirituality, feeling and femininity. I think that I myself have sometimes glorified pain or suffering with images associated with stoicism. [ Insert qualifying statement about how there's plenty of nuance and great stoicism out there, blah blah] Suppose I'm watching someone running, they're getting tired and I cheer them to keep running, need there be any philosophy for this situation to happen? Do ideas of free will and control matter? Does reality care or reference what dichotomies I mentally create?

I'm gonna have to make a thread wanking this guy off, he's just too golden I've never seen someone explain so well what honesty is and how to deal with negative emotion. As someone who experiences very intense negative emotions very frequently, I consider myself an expert in suffering and being miserable. Most of humans can relate to that, but I feel it in my case especially since I've been in deep pits of fear, anxiety, spite and depression. I don't like the numbers and LOC when taken to minutia, but his explanations of negative emotions, the significance of 200 in the bigger picture of what "truthfulness" is, is quite amazing. I'm not enough of an expert on high consciousness to comment on his scale much above 200. (More introductory videos out there for him talking about honesty). Leo uploaded something on his blog with this guy on the same topic. Maybe watch that one first. His explanations and guidance for someone trapped at those levels is so on point that I'm left slightly shocked. Teaching you to fully be honest about your feelings, and explains how it's the narcissistic ego. But the great trick is that he doesn't make it a matter of shame. Take some negative trait you have. If you're petty, you acknowledge and admit that you're petty and accept the humour of it. And so you are confident yet have a certain kind of humbleness, even if you are obnoxious and stupid. What he explained about 200 just rang so many bells as experientially true for me and I understand what he means. [ 200 is called "courage". The courage to be honest. According to him it is the very first "truthful" field just above fields of "falsehood". e.g. the first step in AA recovery is an attempt at this]. I don't be honest because you worry you can't cope with the consequences or what you find. But the joke/trickiness of it all is that you don't get that strength unless you first jump off the cliff with honesty, and then it's given to you. Honesty about your flaws and your emotions is essentially the first and only step you have to focus on first. And it's a lot, lot easier said than done. I might do it a few times but 99% of the time I'm in my bad habits. One thing which so true about it was how he explained that at this level of 200, you still feel all sorts of negative emotions, but you have the capacity to face it. But just because you can face it doesn't mean you're released from it. You feel the fear in your stomach, anxiety, desire, anger, all of it, even if you have the capacity to act and do something about it. And I feel that even that level is something I can only just about reach maybe 3% of the time. -- Maybe I disagree with what he says about random topics, possible pathologies, or what he says about karma. But that doesn't matter to what wisdom and deadly accuracy he has about this. The first step to escaping from the hell is to drop all masks and pretences, and that just resonates and I intuit. And it's no trivial or easy sacrifice, it's like walking off a cliff, as he says. Continuously defying the automatic reflexes and conditioning, is how it's been for me to make progress. The automatic reflex and conditioning being to ignore the signals and instincts for what I truly want to be. So paradoxically, it's a reflex to ignore my reflexes

Sat 20/03/2021, +1 01:33 I was rather bored and fed up I suppose. My sister came home after a while, so it was all 6 of us for a reunion and get together. Whilst the evening was hellish and dumb, the nighttime was pretty nice. I set up a log fire in the garden and we all sat around with tea. It was my first time setting up a fire, it was pretty easy after watching someone else do it once a while ago. Using tongs, placing the logs and bark in the right place to make the fire as big and attractive as possible form my own enjoyment. The only interesting part was hearing my father narrate stories of when he was Pakistan. He didn't meet my mum till the wedding night, such was the culture there. He realised in some days and weeks that his marriage might be difficult, but went along with it. I believe what happened was that my dad's family showed my dad two pictures of two girls, one being my mum and being her younger sister. And he was asked to choose who he wanted to marry, without meeting any of them. It's a funny butterfly effect option, that he picked 1 and not the other. I'm glad with the decision he picked haha, my aunty is more stubborn than my mum. Other than that it was pretty boring. One of my sisters and my mum are too alike so they're just very loud and dramatic. So that was annoying in the car, but otherwise we all good. It was just 1 day, 1 get together. I'm exhausted and found it overwhelming though. I think I'm also just in an irritable mind right now. No harm no foul, we gon' be alright ___ (took a break from typing then came back) What else. Nothing, today I was in my own little trance state. My heart is pumping and im alert, which maybe isn't so good. I ate shit food so that will amp up my anxiety But before the fun fire I was super lethargic and just feeling shit. Now I just have to sit with this feeling. OH ITS BECAUSE I DRANK TEA AS WELL. Tea does this stupid anxiety shit. And it was tea high in sugar. Smh my head. This obviously isn't the first and won't be the last time I feel anxiety. So the question is, what do? Extremely uncomfortable, for real (took a break from typing then came back) Shit im sleepy somehow. Spent a few minutes just letting go of my anxiety and fear piece by piece around my body, to a small degree, and now im sleepy. Which is nice I suppose. If only I worked out today, c'est la vie eeeeeeeee I'll probably meditate today though. I did meditate yesterday for the first time in ages and felt a feeling of concentration again. It was subtle and small though, but what can I expect. Thats how it goes. Rn I'm alternating between waves of sleepiness and nausea + anxiety

I think it's just how humans are wired for now. Much more likely to only have selective empathy for other humans and maybe a few animals, but not all of them (cattle and insects being animals). The biologist could explain to you and me how double standards are an evolutionary thing, but that alone wouldn't satisfy this topic of morality and care for me. All I can say currently is that I really don't know. Fluctuates and "is relative" like anything ("absolute vs relative") perhaps. I think larger spiritual questions when you ask it from a non-dual perspective are tricky and won't have a verbal explanation which will satisfy anything, which rn to me can feel a bit unsettling One angle, we can call empathy an empirically observable trait just like height or something else. -- Me myself, I can and do feel an amount of empathy for people I see around me. One paradigm would be that I have more emotional empathy than cognitive empathy, but that's arguably due to autistics and neurotypicals misreading each other in a two way street. I don't know if this is the case for me though. Whether in boring medical terms or just in terms in general though, I don't define my psychological state by autism. The same way that great scientists and philosophers of history aren't defined by the label of "(" high functioning") autism". At what point is it not just normative language to shame people on further ends on different bell curves. I question the language of all personality disorders, as well as terms like "psychopath" and "sociopath" as well. The jargon and medicalisation only serves to hide lack of understand, and at most the concepts can perhaps give the average person a vague intuition that people are simply different from each other, (and depending on how you frame it) partially/mostly due to innate biology. The entire framework of medical language here has the utility of maintaining the inertia of singular/normative perspectives. Without questioning or understanding you get to just use this label which allows you to practically navigate the world from your current POV and limited opinions -- I'm sure there multiple distinctions you can make maybe within the concept of empathy, I've noticed 1 or 2 things. Someone might be aware or compassionate of another person's suffering, but some bigger picture means that you push the other person anyway to grow. Maybe sometimes called "tough love" Another thing I've thought about, in relation to suffering being something we create or invent in our dreamstate. Sometimes I've seen in myself how suffering is imaginary and its nothing but an image of myself that's hurt. Not real. That being so, on some level that means I have a bigger picture to not get caught up in the theatre of others, since I'm trying to push myself and others awake from the dreamstate. To push ahead for truth's sake alone. As a reflection of what people mean by the word empathy, I've seen words like "appropriate" and (feeling) "induced" in descriptions of empathy, which I find very fascinating. The construct being that you have to react or feel a certain way to be regarded as having empathy, again showing the relativity of it. That it's about what's socially or culturally regarded as the correct behaviour and response. Do and feel what I want or you're a sociopathic asshole!

Friday 19/03/2021, 11:55 Same old story of stimulation, diversion and distraction. In that sense I feel the faintest deja vu feeling that I rarely feel. Also same old story of addiction, I don't understand my addictions or my emotions very well. The work and slog seems endless. I'm exhausted and tired from all the unending conflict. My mind is full of doubts and second guessing. My mood, emotions and energy are volatile. After facing some anxiety/fear, I then found a lethargy/depression instead. I don't blame the facing. The intensity of the negative emotion is just locked away. There's no solution I can think of. I can only go with the flow. For some reason I can feel certain traces of a "deja vu" emotion I haven't felt in some time at all, probably a few years, and that makes me happy I guess. I think that perhaps... I can sense the magnitude of the hell locked away in my mind? For some reason this guage/gut/instinct feels accurate. The prison is my own particular color landscape of impressions, neuroticism and memory. -- I faintly feel this particular block with a particular flavour that I haven't noticed in a while, but feeling it, I immediately recognise it for its unifying factor across my memory...School when you were in the DT rooms in year 8, year 7, summer in year 9 and above (playing catch then), when you went with __ and sat in that grass patch (near the roundabout or just near Asda) and were reading, an image of Mr Graham ___, the year 8 drama leaf (makes a lot of sense for this ingrained actually), and so on. I was muddling perhaps two different things above. One being a familiar sweet feeling and one being a familiar block. The former probably gives me a relief and fleeting sense of completeness, as I feel something nostalgic that temporarily breaks through my DPDR. It blows the dust off of the cogs and gets my mind more sharp and sensitive. Ugh I'm not sure There is the sense that things have simultaneously changed but not changed at all. But that could be due to temporary influx of memory. Nonetheless... 'Tarrows titlts are dangerous' --- Back to the point. I feel a gauge/instinct for the depth of my hell, however there's still a black wall beyond which I cannot perceive. I remember when I first described that wall. Described as shimmering and solid, but also like being a black ocean. I just find it so weird having this influx of past emotion and memory, not used to it since I have this DPDR. It just leaves me more confused about who and what am I, what the significance of anything is. I feel like I'm in a slowly melting and decaying prison which will only get more stale and obsolete, in shackles and concerns which will only get more obsolete. Who am I? Just this influx of random memory which only makes me more confused. I'm feeding my own DPDR, confusion victim mentality rn with thinking and speech like that. But I'm genuinely confused why this memory is again in my experience and animated after so long. Clearly I ran away from it, disowned it, hated it, or something. I reason it's distressing, is that all of this is supposed to be to attached to me but doesn't feel like me at all!!!! When were these worlds seperated? The spider web prison, memories of my childhood, the random specific flavours of experience. What is this earthiness static quality that I so strongly reject? Its in the face of E____'s mom for some reason, in the people and experiences I had at St. A___, Why does it cause so much confusion? It doesn't make any bloody sense. What are these fragments, fragmentations, discontinuities, fogs, dream like substances? I think that maybe, I always felt and found life weird this way. I just didn't realise or notice it, and it didn't quite precipitate? But even if that's so, I can't deny this perceived large disconnects and black outs in my identity and self. I feel recoil and pain from typing and doing this mental activity. Drowning myself in shackles and swampy water. Wait a fucking second, it's pretty ironic that location is Gridlock in Gears of War 3 (why do I call it 3 when the impression imprinted in 4? Haha). Didn't realise till now the fucking humour in the fact that that's the name of the map, jesus fucking christ. So many times my mind used to go there, and it's hell and literal gridlock everytime. I'm almost at the brink of painful tears, this earthiness and these shackles hurt (mental location throughout typing a lot of this, that room in St A__ where you got confused about addition or subtraction holding out your fingers, grey room, mini playground just through the opposite side of the room somehow) Taking a step back. Why does it hurt? Ahhh shit it's also the stagnant times I spent on discord discussing mbti. Why is everything coalescing into and melting into a ubiquitous swamp water, a prison? What's going on? Remember the tornado mind, the dead trees and kaiki, threads, small hairs, insects, strings, webiness and embryos? Your conversation with sergen. One mental imprint location, the freezer tank boss in RE 4? There's another mental imprint location which is faint but I can't recognise. And of course another imprint being that psuedo white roofing tunnel near Wilkinson entering town, briefly also image of that wall and area certain lorries offload near that road. The nature walk in.. Where was it, where you realised nature was at a slower but palpable ryhthym and felt alive. Why do I have all these memories, visual snapshots both external and internal, snapshots of impression and feeling? What's the meaning and point of it all when it comes out unexpectedly in repetitive and tornado thoughts. (Mental location, ___'s B room, image of spider web. Wait, you had that dream and obsessional phase back in summer of repetitive thoughts around this area, and the dreams of visions of ruins was it?) Yes, this is the very sort of pain and mental strain I've blacked out from in the past. Alright. Phew. We can relax just a little bit at least, and accept that there's strain. And ouch does it hurt like a bitch!!! But that's fine, ow. Strain even when dialogue and language thinking has calmed. Its the decision to engage with the repetitive and non resonant mechanical habit and detail. Also refusal to just feel it and be with it. Done so much thinking it's actually painful to think, nont forget to feel and learn, this is rather important and interesting. Maybe it's a good sign if my repetitive thoughts are back, I last had them when I was still on anti depressants back on summer. They were never dealt with I suppose. I decreased the dosage tapering, got bored with covid all these months, and ____ committed suicide. _____'s death still doesn't feel real to me and I don't know if it ever will. It's a huge loss, and the DPDR brain fog only gets further confused because of it now. Every time I think back to high school and I remember one of my best friends, I'll remember that he's died. Idk if it'll just keep haunting me tbh

When writing and facing my emotions, I often find random thoughts and sentences just coming out. Nonsensical/absurd in an abstract/"postmodern" way, none it making sense, not that that's bad. Usually its random words combined to make random phrases, sometimes referencing events or objects you've seen recently the same way dreams when you go sleep at night use symbols or people/objects/places that you've seen in your waking life recently. Or maybe things you haven't seen in a while. Maybe it's sentences with a meaning instead of phrases, but the sentence just came out of nowhere and you weren't thinking about the topic beforehand. Or maybe instead it's random stories and images. My mind is always very active and thinks a lot, even when thinking is subconscious and not very verbal, but that still will cause strain. Anxious with rapidly changing emotions, so this is the transmutation of it into the original/good form in platos cave. When you go to sleep with dreams, it's a mixture of a nonsense and meaning. Similar to that. Maybe I'm just that autistic that I "analyse" having random/creative thoughts, but its also because I wonder if this is what the spiritual folk call channeling. Just letting the creativity naturally flow. And maybe comes out in stories, theatrical dialogues and monologues you invent, random sentences, etc Ignoring the bullshit about entities, Is letting those subconscious streams of thought just happen the start or origin point of it all? The sentences and thoughts coming out where you don't premeditate or think of the meaning before hand, it just comes out and you don't force it.

@Baludi About your analogy with numbers, make them represent time intervals. Then we have an infinite number of moments and points in time to be aware of. And if it's always now, where now is mathematically represented by a static, sizeless point, how does flux and perception exist? A point is sizeless, static, with no leeway for movement or variation. Yet it's always now, and we're here with this flux. Pretty magical and absurd Becoming more and more present, what lies there I wonder

Waking Up by Sam Harris is great. If it wasn't for Sam Harris advocating for meditation, who knows, maybe I wouldn't have gotten into any of this. If someone starts off rationalist, a mystical experience or two from practice can open you up, if you're willing to not be blind and very dogmatic about interpreting it. Unfortunately Sam himself though is.

Wed 17/03/2021 17:31 I think the investigation and observation I do has been fairly limp. Having actual openness and a "not knowing" way of being is hard. I think I get a small taste of it yesterday to realise that. I don't even ask the right questions, don't even try to examine what I don't know, skim over and brush things off without realising I am. I've both talked and listened to others far too much. (Maybe if only done in the wrong way is) All this talking is distraction and results in delusion. In which case, I dislike the approach Leo takes to talking and teaching it. I may have asked or wondered questions before, but I realise that I wasn't truly open. And I haven't truly been open in a while. Two people can be completely different in their level of openness even if they both ask the same question. I don't know the most basic things like "What is emotion?". Whilst I've probably asked that before, I never usually have this much openness. I love this feeling, its like something I haven't experienced in a long ass time. Just this small whiff reminds me of why I loved this work in the first place, and gives me a nice feeling/emotion I haven't felt in a while. The same feeling I got when first reading some of Peter Ralston. The main gist of my problems right now seem to be large amounts of fear and anxiety, coped with by avoidance, distraction and procrastination. __ I started a hype af anime yesterday "Kenichi : The Mightiest Discipline", it's great training motivation. Almost makes me wanna get into martial arts. __ I'll probably have to talk to ___ today after dodging it for so long, but there's no reason to get so worked up about it. But there was anxiety and fear anyway, but I'll be fine, this is a small matter anyway. Yeah I may as well just do that first and then I'll get back doing other things. I suppose on top of messaging __, I can message T1,T2 and R perhaps as well? Just to alleviate any potential awkwardness in advance and my own peace of mind. Okay so after that. Well I've got work to do for tomorrow. Undeniably I feel the pressure. But for some reason I don't feel too bad, despite feeling bad, right now anyway. The work is boring as shit, we know that. But that's fine I guess, it's a chore or activity like washing dishes. Well what else? I'm definitely working out and.....yeah. Shit I need to figure out a sustainable way to eat. ALSO, WHY THE FUCK IS DJ KHALED UPDATING HIS SNAPCHAT STORY A FUCKING NOTIFICATION ON MY PHONE, GET THIS DUMB MONGOLOID TF OUT OF HERE. DJ FUCKING KHALED UPDATING HIS SNAPCHAT STORY IS THE LAST THING I CARE TO SEE AS A POP UP. thank you Mmmmhhhh and the rest will have to be free form. Avocado and green tea ofc. Watching Kenichi as well. Alright, time to go

Monday 15/03/2021, 23:00 What can I do, write, say, think, examine, explore to make a difference? I don't know the thing to be changed nor the difference to be made, if the knowledge matters anyway. Discipline, forcing, deprivation, "masculine vs feminine" I have addiction. If I stop masturbating, then the urge comes up, and I feel like I'm depriving myself. Don't eat the unhealthy food I want, urge comes up, and I feel like I'm being deprived. Becoming like an upset and angry child who feels deprived. What's the way to go? "Gentle vs forcing". How does one discipline when there's strong feelings of upset in doing so? Something feeling very significant just came to mind... In me has been the drive achieve something, get some goal, perfect some thing, ambition to reach something high. If I'm honest, I probably got the drive/incentive when I was younger out of a desire to please or make my dad proud. Until just now I don't think I ever acknowledged it or thought of it that way. This insight has probably come to mind before but I forgot about it. Forgetfulness, distraction, amazing defence mechanisms. "I feel a certain type of scare and fear in examining this", ofc those are labels about what I'm feeling but....it's the truth here. Maybe this is the last thing I'd want to let go of..."how could I?". I always want more. Before that thing came to mind, I thought this was gonna be a long verbal inquiry, but perhaps that shortened my search time to the essence? Rarely is it that a thought strikes such an internal/buried chord, I can feel this is definitely something important. But if I have no desire or ambition or goals, then what am I or why am I here? Perhaps what being looked at is not all forms of motivation in of in themselves, just removing this particular thorn and now this thorn is replicating and hosting in thoughts. I fear oblivion. Ugh I'm still lost, but im not sure if Im just saying that so I can move on and distract myself from this....Also, I hate my dad. But its moreso funny -- Ugh, but where does that leave me or what I'm supposed to do. Is this the reason I no longer mediate or listen to people like Alan Watts in a long time? Out of an ego backlash of not wanting to surrender? Even now I'm not sure of if I shall or what surrender means, and in saying that I'm trying to replicate the method of other people who use that word and language. Lack of flow and concentration is/of ___ . Slow it down. Where does thinkingness, motion come from? So I might be more in the present moment now for some time but present is forcing to stay in the present "Stay in the moment" "Don't lose the focus" "Don't lose the flow" and the flow get confused with the repetition of return. THE BIG PROBLEM IS THAT THE MOMENT YOU SEEK TO DESCRIBE AND TALK ABOUT IT ITS ALREADY GONE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA`A`A`A`A`AQA`AA`AAAAA`ZAZ`A`AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASZ`AZASAZHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. OBHBOHBIYOBOUVYIBVIP. THOUGHTS ABOUT THE SINGULARITY OF MAYA ARE STILL MAYA. I feel a familiar feeling which has been lost for a while now. Image is coming to mind of 16 year old me in the shower in the black-tiled bathroom, listening to Sam Harris "Waking Up" audio. Why was I so happy then and had dimensions of emotions not normally here? Why do I feel an alien to my own past? What happened? Who am I? What am I? I want it back.... The catalogue of impressions and fractured DPDR self-history and continuity/familiarity with past, thats the description of whats going on. When did I start feeling this way. Did this blackhole happen before or after that time in 2nd year when I abruptly stopped taking anti-depressants? What were the emotions I can feel back in 1st year uni despite being suicidal then? Ahhh its driving my crazy, my disconnection and alienation from that. What happened and what am I. Not having that dimension/feeling structure is the same as losing memory of it. All of a sudden just now I can remember faint whiffs of it, and I miss it. Why is that? Do I lack it? Is it to be reconnected with? KLOI[JP[NPIBO[U09JONBPJOPNPNIPHUBHIPUBIPHUBHIPBHPIUBP jnkjnjknkjnj When did I lose that dimension/structure, where, why and how? Remember when you were 13, Mujtaba, and you prayed to Allah, 100% believing in his infinite mercy and infinite goodness. Remember that bliss and feeling like a walking Jesus Christ? Where and what am I now? Did that happen at all? Why is gone. Remember when you stared at your homework diary calendar during spring time in year 9 2014, and decided that you'd put off thinking of religion for a while? Staring at the open blank pages for April was I? Remember when you were in Pakistan in December 2013, the religiosity and peace of mind you had? Remember what then happened in 2016? You went to Saudi Arabia in Mecca and Medina, reflected on Islam for one last real time, and realised very consciously you believed none of it. Then you went to Pakistan, and entered a black hole of psychological and spiritual depression. You discovered TJ Kirk, sleep on that Charpai next to the bathroom, Khurram Bai got shocked when you used up 2GB of internet so quickly. In Dec 2013 in pakistan, it was then you would listen to Nouman Ali Khan videos on YouTube when lying down in that room. %$£%^ your sister would sleep in that room sometimes as well? Was it 2013 or 2016 in Pakistan when you stared at the ceiling in your parents room, lying in bed, realising the existential dread of heaven and hell being forever? Heaven forever seemed scary for it was forever. This was definitely 2013 im pretty sure. Has my IQ and intelligence decreased compared to when I was 13 and 16? My life is one crazy fucking trip and idk wtf is going on. My sanity teeters on the edge of psychosis, but psychosis never happened. When did you transition from atheist to non-duality and zen dude? If my history and past is correct, I only actually got formally depressed at the end of 2017, and it as at this time I joined the actualised forum? "Blackhole" (in this context), when the experience of suffering and hell is so great that you dissociate to such unbelievably large degrees that the line between mental and physical is unknown, real and unreal breaks, where your mental noise and state completely overwrites the external world and you BLACKOUT from your experience. Suffering and pain so large that my memory blacked out, and I'm confused, dazed, fragmented. Multiple blackouts, and multiple blackholes. What the fuck am I to do? Idk what I am, up and down are flimsy. Who or what can guide me? Is such a thing even rational to say? Remember 1st year summer, sitting by the water fountain, and discussing C.G. Jung with my brother, which then turned into a general discussion about spirituality? Is my entire life this blackhole now? Jesus fucking christ. Why was a 12 year old researching and questioning islam? How did everything string into this? What were the surreal and mystical spiritual experiences I had as a 13 year old islamic fundamentalist? Atheist? An avid meditator? What is it all? And when did I enter this more permanent depression, lack of vitality and despondency? Remember when you were 7, going to Madrassah or Thursday night when Shia family friends gathered? Remember the questions you'd ask about Islam? Asking your dad and Uncle Masoor different things. What laylat-ut-qadr nights was it that I randomly decided the fear of god reached me that night and I prayed, but changed my mind the next day? It was the same night Uncle Mansoor and everyone gathered at our home. Were there previous laylat-ut-qadr I was praying? What was the sincerity and intention at those times? Is Dua Kumayl just bullshit? My consciousness now vs my consciousness then, it literally feels like two different realities. Two different worlds, different universes. My past consciousness is just a dream and thought at this point, but I just feel so discordant. Ugh, it seems like I was already born to be on the edge of insanity, thrown into all of this right from the start, none of it makes sense. Images, symbols and the unconscious just keep flooding the mind. At least I feel more awake now, a small slap, I now realise the magnitude of my real and core problems. I now realise that my problems are so bizarre and spiritual that a traditional rational doctor would be useless. A normie wouldn't understand the out of worldly bliss of connecting to god as a religious fundamentalist when you're 13 and feeling like a walking Jesus Christ, and im sure that even back then I felt weird disconnections as what was all supposed to be myth is causing these intense emotions and experiences, its all just so dreamlike, bizarre, ungrounded, unreal. It will all just sound completely crazy, right from the start My sense of disconnection, all the blackouts, whenever I get a whiff of my past, I get a mixture of outrage, excitement and dread! When those rare whiffs do happen, I journal or write and just go on a spree writing all those things down. Almost like I'm trying to slap myself awake with all these things from the past! Slap myself awake that this disconnection exists! How shocking and bizarre!

Anymore thoughts you have about not giving a fuck whilst not being a devil? I don't just mean about pickup but generally. I read this post of yours some days ago, this sentence just popped up in my mind randomly so I searched for it.

@Lyubov Yes, I have a whole host of family shit. Of course shit with parents. But I just recently had to play mediator between quarrelling siblings in a very intense argument. Here's a link to what I wrote, in case it makes for an entertaining or relatable read. I didn't go into lots of detail about how explosive it was because its hard to quickly communicate everything. There's the "fight or flight" response. In trying to get myself to not do "flight" and face my problems (e.g. talk to my parents about a thing Im scared to talk about), I enter "freeze", and its mental hell until I break free in that moment. I've done so much flight in my life that my instinct and gut will keep sending signals that I have to do the "brave" thing, even though my deep and stubborn habits keep shouting flee. But this is my work, life can be very tough

Sunday 14/03/2021, +1 00:25 I'm feeling drained af. I've been mediating explosive arguments between my two siblings today and I'm exhausted. I'm 20. I have a brother who is 28, sister is 30. They have so much internal built up frustration with each other that its gotten to the point they explode or argue from small situations, like playing board games, taking this video for my mum on mother's day, watching tv and etc. But its only in recent weeks and months they've properly communicated, or things reached a certain climax point of having to be honest (and explosive) with dialogue. Being a part time therapist/mediator rn.... ________________________________________________ MBTI wise, my brother is INTJ and my sister is ESFP (arguably almost semi ESFJ). Even those funny labels aside, they really are polar opposites from each other and keep clashing. To now talk a bit about them, the perceptions they have of each other, and also negative extremes that I see My brother in general. A very logical as well as conscientious guy. His cognition is very much understanding the future trajectories and trends of things after calculating everything, and planning for the future. He likes to analyse things in terms of outcomes, results, efficiency, etc. He overthinks and plans like crazy. He's doing very well with cryptocurrency trading as side job, because he's meticulous and understands where a thing is going overall. But he's great to talk to and enjoy random shit with. He can be a defensive and prickly guy to talk to. Whenever you want to debate something in a conflict or disagreement scenario, he'll always start his sentences with a "But" or a "No, but" and can be less explicitly accommodating or accepting in this sense. Maybe he'll say "Yes but" and he will give some signal he understands the other point, but he isn't very warm or lax like that generally. He's very taut. It might not sound like much, but it is definitely a thing. That said, I love my brother, I get along with him very well, have very good conversations and bonding with him. -- My sister, she's very lively and an in the moment person. Spontaneous, honest, silly. Coming along side that is a brashness, impulsivity. But she's also extremely empathetic and cares about people a lot. She's very maternal and she's almost like a second mum to me. She's 10 years older than me and she sees me as her baby. Although I'm 20 she still sees me as a baby. But her spontaneity, loudness, impulsivity, honesty/bluntness and etc can get perceived as annoying from my brother. Me personally, I love her bubbliness, although I have had it often the case that if I'm doing something with her, she's very impatient and wants immediate results, and she will be very pushy and persistent till she gets her way. One dark or shadowy side to her is that because she cares and does so much for her family and friends, she expects a level of reciprocation that can perhaps be seen as forceful and undermining of individuality and personal space. e.g. Often wanting you to drop what you're doing and help with something. I should add that my sister is also very logically intelligent, sensitive and reflects on things. She's sensitive things, and a lot of the bulk of today was her breaking down and crying in response to constantly feeling she has to walk on eggshells around my brother, who she perceives as grumpy and unwelcoming __________________________________________________ I get along and love both of them, its just a pain and I'm exhausted from mediating them. For the first 1 hour, I was patient and cool. 2 and 3 hours in, I'm face palming and rubbing my eyes lmao, but I'm still doing and saying what I think is constructive and true. I see things going around in circles, just explosions and etc over petty things. I cannot as an outsider or 3rd person deconstruct things simply, because things have gotten to a point where they get triggered and heated over small things. They've both run of out patience, and its only recently in life they've started a real and proper dialogue, which starts off with all the pent up emotions coming out _________ This snowballed from decisions I made. After an initial skirmish my siblings had in the evening ( I was there), I was very uncomfortable and was about to go into mode of withdrawal. I decided to oppose that fear and conditioning, and go talk to my brother for a bit to make him feel better and discuss things (my sister was away). Then when my sister got home, my brother decided to apologise, and then they had a dialogue, but that turned extremely explosive and I felt that for my own peace of mind I had to intervene and mediate, calming and bringing everyone together. Maybe not so much about bringing people together, but about bringing out the full potential for truth and honesty I could get from both parties. Of all things I am, I am not a very empathising person, but I will be there or feel compelled to do what I feel is "right" (it's not that I think in terms of morality or anything like that, I mean right in terms of my instinct). And my mind will keep bugging me and bugging me until I do the right, honest or authentic thing my gut says I should. Whether that means I'm an asshole, antagonist or in this case mediator depending on the situation. If I don't act on my gut for honesty/authenticity, I will torture myself with a mental hell of fear, in limbo until I do it This is all just something to take on the chin and just relaxedly rest from. I'm exhausted, and I'll learn from it. Fully feel all my fear and anxiety.

"The Essential Difference"- Simon Cohen Chapter 1 - "The Male and Female Brain" Hypothesis is that the average female brain is hard-wired for empathy, the average male brain is hardwired for systemising. Empathising "Empathising is the drive to identify another person's emotions and thoughts, and respond to them with an appropriate emotion…Empathising occurs when we feel an appropriate emotional reaction, an emotion triggered by the other person's emotions, and it is done in order to understand another person, to predict their behaviour, and to connect or resonate with them emotionally" You see in Jane in pain, you feel concern, wince, and feel a desire to run across and help alleviate her pain. Or maybe you recognise Jane is in pain but "this left you cold, or detached, or happy, or preoccupied" "In this book, I will consider the evidence that, on average, females spontaneously empathise to a greater degree than do males" The sort of shit where you're a good listener to your friends problems in a way which makes them feel supported, cared for and rapidly understood is a skill women are good at _____ Now, what's interesting about this is the word "appropriate" above. The idea of there being an appropriate response, a "correct response" I suppose. In these descriptions, there is the interpretation that it involves being reactive/causal in your reactions. X thing in someone else ----> Y thing in you. What connection to another person means I don't know. Connecting to someone else's emotions. The analogy of Jane is a good basic example of how any human will see or understand the concept of empathy. Solipsism never leaves me. What might be a complicating factor is considering the "autism" factor and personality factor. If my preferences are the result of relative, and fickle, biologies and psychologies, from where can I grasp truth or clarity? ____ Systemising "Is it possible to systemise a person? Systemising works very well if you're trying to understand a system within a person such as their ovaries." (insert statistics about rates of miscarriage among different groups of women) "Systemising can also work to a useful degree if you are trying to understand a human group as a system, such as the patterns of traffic accidents on a particular motorway or patterns of voting behaviours; hence the terms traffic system or electoral system." "These systems, like any other can be lawful, finite, and deterministic" "Analysis, exploration and creation of systems" " If-then structures " Author then elaborates how systemising almost gets you nowhere in most day to day social interaction. Just the form, formulation and contextualisation doesn't match and doesn't work, obviously. Emotions, moment-by-moment changes in a person, etc. "While the natural way to predict the nature of events and objects is to systemise, the natural way to understand a person is to empathise" __ I find systemising and math more boring nowadays. Rather the category of people under this class of systemising is broad and nuanced. E.g. the philosophers who try to transcend logic and systemising. I'm dyslexic brained, extreme detail and technical manuals not being my cup of tea. (As proof of that, I had to edit this document since I wrote "systematising" everywhere instead "systemising" and idk the fucking difference). I need variety and novelty. Brain Types, Intelligences and Different Skills. Modelling What gets constructed is the framing/idea of "E" and "S" being opposing/opposite things vying for your exclusive participation. In all scales, moving closer to one side is moving further away from the other side. Which basically summarises so much dualistic formulation E and S simultaneously skill/intelligence and preference. "SQ" and "EQ" come up later in book. The idea was thrown out there of women having better language ability and men having better spatial ability. Definitely true in my case, although I know enough to know that I'm no math or spatial genius at all. But the contrast between my english grades and mathematics grades is stark. Was there a seed of talent in math? Sure. But it was mostly cultivation and practice. Different cases; S>E, E>S, E=S, S>>E (hypo-developed E in contrast to hyper developed S ), E>>S (vice-versa) One must consider biology, culture and society in unison. Its not exclusively one. Dynamic investigations where both "opposite formulations" are used as appropriate in the intelligence of awareness. _____ I'm not sure how useful this theory will be to me, but this is getting me back into the flow of reading and being a bit more productive with my time. This is rationalist/scientific explanation of concepts such as empathy, math/systems. I will keep reading, but it’s a bit like doing a boring slow activity, like washing dishes, even if I skim read and type a bit. I'm almost certain I'll qualify as S>>E despite these all being very normie superficial formulations which are common sense. Chapter 2 of the book was looking at the lives of two siblings as described by their parents. The boy being S>>E and the girl being the opposite. Next chapter 3 is the topic of empathy, and that has enough juice to motivate me. This book is easy to read and short enough.