lmfao

Shout out to every hardworking and conscientious father out there. If you've seen it first hand then you know.

@machiavelli I reference my first message. You will have to at least be open to surrendering and letting go of this narrative with openness if you want to even start to make progress. You've already decided God exists and that he's punishing us. Where's the room to discover from that? I feel and understand like you that this all a pretty crazy subject, and hits right at very core of our entire existential angst. It's not trivial thing, I have the same demons haunting my thinking. And I'm a hypocrite, I'm no more advanced or knowledgable than you. So all I'll say is cultivate a desire for truth and to see things differently. (Not presuming that you don't already)

Loads of people's NDE could just bullshit concoctions of their own minds. Their own unconscious beliefs just coming outwards in a vision. The unconscious is also very figurative and mythologised in images, and you need to contextualise it all with discernment and investigation. It's a colourful and "supernatural" domain to treat with nuance. ^See CG Jung for understanding unconscious. He's a genius of both left and right brain And it's not like those people who had those NDE's are you, so you don't need to give authority to it.

@trenton Good thread man, can definitely relate to some of themes you put here. For context, I'm someone who's naturally "logical". In the sense that I was instantly attracted to maths and philosophy at a young age, and then later on loved physics and science (but the love for math and physics has disappeared now). I was raised with Islam. But later on I became extremely atheistic and materialistic. And I was obsessed with math and physics, learning different topics in my spare time a lot. Listening to people like Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins. What got me to question my dismissal of all spirituality and faith in science were two things. One thing was finding out about meditation. From meditation I had mystical experiences where I had a feeling I had no language to describe. I felt like my self didn't exist, that everything was happening of it's own volition. Breathing, turning my head, thinking, blinking, "I" wasn't doing any of it. I was atheistic, and had only been exposed to western religion which I categorically rejected. I was confused and didn't know how to describe my experience. But in eastern religion, I found language and entire philosophies describing what I had experienced, and I knew it was the way. And ofc I questioned my metaphysics about reality due to it all. -- Now there is also the metaphysical and philosophical aspect. The task here is openness. You can read around plenty of criticisms of materialism, hard problem of consciousness (Seriously, how the fuck hadn't you ever heard of that one? It's so mainstream haha). Many people also reference quantum mechanics. "Delayed Choice Quantum Eraser" experiment [ Essentially, "knowledge alone" of the number of different paths light could have taken to reach a location determine if light acts like a wave or if it acts like a particle. It makes no fucking sense with causality as we intuitively know it, where the human can't "stand apart" objectively and independently of what he's observing. It loses the 3rd person and objective quality]. ^However, you're not going to find me referencing quantum mechanics a lot to criticise materialism or science. I think it's indirect, and at most is just a potential mind opener which works for some people. Science is quite literally just a subset of philosophy my dude. It has axioms, assumptions and tenants which are held onto. It has it's own metaphysics and epistemology about what "truth" is. I'm sure there will be 100's of wise philosophers out there with books showing you limitations. Some woke Greek philosophers out there for example "radical skepticism". ____ Another angle to consider is this. It also has it's own human culture, "collective ego" and dogma in the world. With implications on things like money & business, physical health, mental health and sociology. "Science" has a collective ego and culture, it has its own "survival agenda" in the world, the same way christians or different countries have their own survival agenda. ^Peer review systems, the collective ego aspect of it means that essentially, scientists are allowed to by group consensus ostracise and invalidate people who operate outside of their world view or people who disagree with them. _____ Another angle is this. "Science" like any other ideology seeks to dogmatise and take over all domains of life and knowledge ( many non dogmatic scientists ofc, and the scientific geniuses in history were non-dogmatic ones who were mystically sensitive often) with a particular brand and style of thinking. It omits wholistic thinking in favour of "sum of the parts" thinking. Reductionism. "Sum of the parts" thinking quite literally how the logical mind and intellect operate. Mathematics, physics, logical mind, is invariably sum of the parts. It's the "principle of superposition" but hyper generalised. Having gotten into abstract math and physics deeply, and "foundations of math" as a subject, I eventually came to understand this. But you can understand it anyway. There is no reason to presume the logical mind and intellect is the ultimate guide or indicator of truth. That's just a belief system and dogma. ___ One good tool for understanding a lot of this is Spiral Dynamics. Stage Orange, you'll see the totality of materialism and that style of cognition as just one relative point of view out of many. You can also take the "postmodernism" angle, by reading some of these guys or grasping it. Ignore the political narratives from Left and Right about what postmodernism means in abstract/actuality. __ So yeah, I just info dumped onto you a bunch of shit. The crux of it is seeing the limitation of "The Intellect", however that comes about, whether only one of these angles lets you break through or all of these angles start to feed off of each other. For me the mysticism element and enlightenment experiences really broke my old metaphysics for me.

@machiavelli Karma doesn't work as a complete explanation for the state of affairs. The Void/Mu is timeless (which you can experience from meditation/inquiry). Now I'm going to give a fake story of creation "which isn't true" but will serve as a good analogy for why Karma doesn't work as an absolute explanation. Suppose that once upon a time, God was completely unified and formless. Out of complete boredom, God decided to fragment himself and create the illusion of separateness, duality. There is no "cause" or "karma" to that. "God"/"Void" just "wanted" to do that. Now I have similar questions in my mind too about good and evil, about suffering. Wondering why does suffering exist, why does evil exist..... That seems to be the core issue you're asking beyond all the technical details. Looking at all the nonsense, evil and suffering in the world. I don't know. The obstacle might be that we have to open our minds to looking at reality different, to question our perceptions, assumptions and beliefs around the issues of evil and suffering. As hard as that is, as much as our minds may try to delude us. "Surrender" and "Not-Knowing", I've heard these two things described separately but now I kind of see as them as going together.

Sat 10/04/2021 20:51 A random thought will come into my head pertaining to other thoughts [ "Only now exists, and all thoughts are happening now"] and with that thought, I have a particular artistic image/impression. And I "believe" that impression. Omit the word artistic because all image and impression by default has that quality. The rapid shifts and mood swings.... I lose/lost faith in myself and then can't trust my own mind, perceptions and thoughts and can't even trust my mind when it asks a why question. Losing the faith and having hatred because my mind swirls with fantasies and mythological thinking. But that loss of faith and hatred is another fantasy and mythos, completing the circle of hatred in a big fat irony. HOW DO I CHANGE MYSELF WITHOUT HATING MYSELF. HOW DO I NOT FALL INTO THOUGHT WITHOUT HATING THOUGHT. WHY OR HOW (DO I WANT)/(WHAT ARE) THESE THINGS. Mind swirling, Alice in wonderland absurdism. I called other people dramatic, but I am extremely dramatic and unstable. Is that what every non-original and identical psychologists spout out as being "projection"? Am I not the most dramatic person existence, and in making that comment further illustrating the drama and irony. "Oh shit is every thought of mine projection wtf" Oh shit I'm fucking hating myself. Let me make a comment, and the comment that is this sentence, about how I'm a dancing monkey in the spirit of sarcasm and self hatred again. What the fuck is drama and what the fuck is me? What's the difference anymore. The shield of sarcasm is a thin veneer* {now I'm taking a break from writing to ask my online friends if they want to play this online word game} 21:45 I'm back. Anyway, won most of the games against my friends. Back to this shit. Yeah I'm so fucking hysterical and dramatic it's hilarious. I feel like some hysterical woman "O-Oh OH, YOU'RE SAYING I'M BEING STUBBORN!" (Yes I'm that sexist to associate hysteria to women) Yes I'm dramatic and hysterical. Literally type 5 acting like type 7 under pressure meme. Not taking that theory too seriously. Only dumb niggers do that. The shield of sarcasm and humour is indeed a thin veneer. It's the coping and mental tornado. Glad when the tornado is around, counteracts being such a lifeless bore. " "The world is a massive projection" " " "It's all an image" ", adding of double quotation marks to turn the habit of using quotation marks on it's head, where it's " "not me" " who's using those quotation marks in the first place, opposing the premise that the actual text is """not me""". I'll fucking add as many quotation marks as I want. [I don't just use quotation marks in that weird fragmented sense of self, often times it's casual] But back to the start, there was that 'ironic' circle to the thinking. Hating my thoughts and fantasises and mythologies, but then that being another fantasy and mythologisation. Brb eating food 22:30 So idk where that leaves me really after having said that. Myths, images, "archetypes of the unconscious" , fantasies, thoughts. Hmm. Having an active imagination to just conjure up so much random stuff is part of being human. 23:27 I'll do some reading today. Perhaps what I've seen today is to be aware of my thoughts/impressions and fantasies about truth, the ironic circle of my habits and criticism. I kinda feel exhausted and drained for no reason. I barely did any sprinting and did no work. I'm kind of a sedation now. Let me embed some music videos up in the post for what I was feeling earlier and what I was listening to. For whatever reason I never really gotten into techno other than this, it's such a banger.

Friday 09/04/2021 , 16:15 Attack on Titan has a terrible ending, so for maybe 12 hours straight yesterday I just went on a meme, rage and discussion rampage of me coping with how atrocious an ending that series got. Those 12 hours were a blur, crazy how that happened. [Chapter 139 of the manga came out yesterday] Oscillations between stages 2 and 4 of grief. What an absolutely abysmal ending, and anyone who thinks otherwise is just wrong or doesn't think deeply ; ) I'll stop feeding that rage today hopefully and do something else. I feel a strange type of emptiness today and I don't like it. I'll eat a beetroot and drink tea. I feel drained of mental focus or direction. Or just a weird aimlessness. This is gonna hurt. So planning. After eating + tea, do those back exercises and stretch out your hips. Then meditate & read, idk which I'll do first. And run. +1 01:02 Never read or ran, only meditated. I spent an hour doing some BS errand, and wasted time afterwards watching TV and playing Jenga. Some butchers shop makes 100% pure beef burgers, so today I've eaten 1 beetroot, 1 cucumber, a 2 of those burgers. Question is what I do for 1 or 2 hours before I sleep. I might actually read, meditate again, but then make plans for my uni work. I need to get an idea of just how far behind I am. It's a shit load, and there's this 7000 word project to do for next month.....Sigh But I need to rant about Attack on Titan again, so spoiler alert (stop reading if you don't want to get spoiled), because that ending was so fucking awful I can't get over it. Let me just put in a quote box some things I hated about 139 and the elaborate further Chapter 139 was fucking disgusting, but I felt off about the story before that. * -- Alright so everything in this show is going perfectly until about chapter 123. Eren's character evolution is fucking GENIUS throughout this show. We are given this starting premise. Some 100 years ago, titans (giant monsters with humanoid facial features and appearance) appeared and pushed humanity to the brink of extinction. The surviving remnants of humanity built 3 concentric large 50m tall walls to protect themselves from the titans. ^Ofc this is all a complete lie. But it's the starting story. Humanity is trapped in this bird cage. And then in chapter 1, that bird cage gets pillaged by the titans anyway. Since chapter 1, Eren has been about one thing and one thing only freedom. It was his nature since birth to fight for freedom, he wanted to join the scouts to explore beyond the walls, even before his mother got eaten by a titan. Episode 1, the walls keeping humanity safe are broken, titans come rushing in and Eren's mom gets eaten. Eren then vows to kill every titan in existence. Eren is hotheaded, has no patience, and gets emotional over just about everything. He's not a complete idiot though. Eren ofc discovers he has the power to turn into a titan (and so he becomes humanities last hope), and we got a large and intricate plot develops. In time he finds out 3 of his friends were fucking traitors, responsible for the mass murder of humanity and for the death of his mother. And he's forced to fight them. Eren is disheartened as he learns that humans turning into titans are also his enemy, not just titans. And then next season, we get civil war inside of the walls. Humans killing humans. Eren learns what his dad did, and Eren wants to curl up and die when he's in that cave since he think's he's useless and can't fulfil humanities hopes. Historia, the person who could have eaten Eren, decides to join his side and snaps Eren out of it. Eren is further hardened psychologically from the civil war of humans killing humans. And then season 3 part 2. Eren + Scouts fight a massive battle against: Reiner, Bertholt + Beast Titan (Zeke) [ Also + Cart Titan who had supporting role]. The the basement reveal happens. After that battle is over and the enemy retreats, the scouts arrive at Eren's Dad's basement where we know some secrets are hidden. We find out humanity beyond the walls hasn't perished at all; The old king simply erased people's memories of humanity beyond the walls. Everyone in the walls are a race of humans called "Eldians" who can transform into pure titans or titan shifters, the world wishes to genocide Eldians ( parallel to Jews in WW2 Nazi Germany themes) because their ancestors in the Eldian Empire used the power of the Titans to oppress the globe. Reading the journals of grisha, the power fo the titans explains, Eren sees the memories of his dads passed onto him. We learn later that he can also see the future with his titan power. Eren enters a depression. The whole world is his enemy. We only learn much later that when he kisses Historia's hand at the ceremony, he sees a dreadful future (he can't change? More on that later.) When Eren and scouts finally see the ocean for the first time in their lives, Eren can't even be happy. He suddenly has access to his dad's memories of abroad, memories of how Eldians are abused in the world, how his people are hated and oppressed and are not allowed to be freed. And so he says with the most depressed look on his face Cue the 4 year timeskip. We then start the story again in the foreign country which opposes Paradis (our country of characters), we enter Marley instead. We see warriors and titan shifters being trained in that country, and learn some new characters. We start to feel attached to the Eldian soldiers in Marley, as they're trying to elevate the status of their people by proving their worth to Marley. Eren infiltrates Marley and pretends to be wounded Eldian-soldier of Marley. Eldians in Marley are kept in concentration camp zones and are inferior citizens, forced to be soldiers, suicide bombers and suicide titan transforms on the battlefield. Marley previously failed in capturing the Founding Titan (which Eren has) in Paradis , and they are planning on declaring war on Paradis again, but asking the world to help if they can. Marley's leader makes a grand speech on stage in front of leaders. However underground nearby, is Eren waiting to attack Marley as soon as Marley declares War. He manages to lure in Reiner, and they have a chat. Reiner is begging for forgiveness, is crying and is breaking down. Reiner is plagued by PTSD and guilt after massacring so many thousands of humans with his own hands on Paradis, plagued by the guilt of being a traitor to people he infiltrated. Before Eren found out Reiner was a traitor and double agent so many years ago, Eren considered Reiner like an older brother almost. Reiner used the phrase "Keep moving forward" which Eren remembered as motivational when they were in the army together. ^Reiner is responsible for the attack which killed Eren's mom. Eren after the timeskip has a different demeanour. He is calm, cold , calculating, and is unemotive. He forgives Reiner, realising that Reiner was an indoctrinated kid and had no choice in the matter. Reiner was fed lies and wanted to be a hero. Eren is about to transform and attack Marley, the same way Reiner attacked Paradis. But Reiner doesn't know it, he's just shocked to meet Eren and is crying. Eren stretches his hand to shake Reiner's before he transforms into a titan. ^Eren then murders all the Marleyan Soldiers there, kills the leader of Marley, and has a battle with WH Titan. He kills many innocent civilians, women and children as collateral damage in the crowd of the speech. Eren has completely changed since the start of the story. From innocence, to the willingness to get his hands dirty to kill his enemies. He forgave Reiner, realised and understood why Reiner did what he did. He understands his enemy. He knows that humans inside and outside the walls of all races are the same. But, everyone outside the walls is taught and thinks that the humans inside the walls are evil devils worthy of genocide. The outside world won't listen, as evidenced by the fact that Marley's leader is giving a speech right now trying to convince the world to genocide their island. And so Eren knows peace is impossible, and that there will be war. Quote by Eren after infiltrating Marley undercover. He's at a camp of permanently crippled, psychologically traumatised Eldian soldiers who were forced into war to fight for Marley against other countries.: ^ (Open in another tab then turn on captions) Eren's attack on Marley is a success, with the help of his friends from Paradis Island. Eren steals the Warhammer Titan ability by eating Tybur's sister. Eren forced his friends to help, he went abroad without telling anyone, and sent letters telling them he's attacking. Armin his Colossal Titan power to nuke the seaside port, killing 1000's and 1000's of innocent civilians, but it was necessary if they wanted to survive. Armin is ridden with guilt. Mikasa cries that Eren has led to so many civilians dying. Paradis military and Eren's friends were forced to help, they then retreated to Paradis, they picked up Zeke who turned out to be on their side. -- Too much plot to explain.... the result is this. Eren tricks Zeke to use his Founding Titan powers fully, uses the the Wall Titans on Paradis Island and activates "The Rumbling". 250,000 large colossal titans compose The Walls. Eren commands those 250,000 to destroy all life outside of the walls. I.e. Eren starts a genocide of the entire planet for the sake of freedom. AND IT WAS GENIUS WRITING HOW ISAYAMA WROTE IT. Eren showed hints throughout the series how hell bent he was on freedom, how black and white his mind was. When Eren was a young child, he killed 2 kidnappers who murdered Mikasa's parents and kidnapped a child to be sold into slavery. What he did was good, but he always possessed that Chapter 121-123, we see Eren and Zeke talking. They are in "The Paths" when talking. Whilst they are in the paths world, with power over the past, Eren talks to his father Grisha Jeager backwards in time to complete his mission (it was only thanks to Grisha that Eren ever got his power). It's a non-linear time loop which makes Eren's power 4th dimensional. Eren guides and motivates his father to kill that royal family (including children) in the church: Zeke is Eren's half brother raised in another country (Grisha lived in Marley before going to Paradis). Zeke was under the impression Grisha brainwashed Eren as his father. Quite the opposite; Eren influenced Grisha, and Eren's nature since birth has always been like this So Eren starts the genocide of all mankind outside the walls. The year is around 1910 technology wise, we have 1.8 billion or so people on the planet. Entire continents get trampled ^Crushed into dust Note: The power of titans, the plot is extremely complicated. There is a mythos, science and lore to the power. We still don't know why Eren is doing everything. We know Eren can see the future and what the end result it, yet he goes through with this. So many theories, ranging from Eren means to destroy the world, or that his goal is to be stopped by his friends and he has another goal. But regardless, Eren is actually going through with this genocide. He announces to all Eldians psychicly through Paths in chapter 123 he intends to trample the globe for the sake of freedom. All the Eldians outside the walls are doomed to die in this action as well. Before he commences the genocide, he speaks to all Eldians/(Subjects of Ymir) ---- *It was after 123 that some elements of the story started to feel off. It wasn't until 138 and 139 that I was actually very worried. But to talk about chapters 123-137 problems: After Eren starts the rumbling, some forces on Paradis and some Marleyan forces join together to form "The Alliance" to stop Eren. That's fine. But what's not fine is the direction and way some things are done. 1) Everyone suddenly acts like a Jesus Christ or Buddhist Saint, and are about peace and love. It got to the point it was excessive and cringe with the dialogue. AOT world is one of realism. 2) We go long period of time without understanding Eren's POV, but this is solved later. Chapter 130 and 131 were GENIUS. We see flashbacks and read Eren's mind for the first time in so many chapters. During the 4 year time skip, Eren was conflicted and confused. He didn't know how he could get freedom for his people. He was travelling abroad in another countries, and he's contemplating the future he saw in his visions; killing them all for freedom due to being out of options. Eren was disappointed to learn that humans (hostile ones) existed beyond the walls when reading his dad's journal and gaining access to his memories. His entire life he just want to escape the confines of the walls. The walls were bigger than he initially thought; the poetic irony is him using the Wall Titans to trample to globe. At first I found this genocidal twist in Eren's character strange, after all I always considered him a good guy. But then I realised how genius and amazing a twist it was. Brilliant writing. _________________ But then the final chapters came along....To someone who doesn't know the story it can't be explained properly. Just why... why did they fucking ruin the story with this retarded shit: 1) Eren loses the battle barely putting up a struggle. We're to expect Eren loses 2 seconds after Mikasa gets the resolve to kill him? 2) What in the flying fuck was the point of the hallucegenia or tree of life when it literally fucking disappears without an explanation of what or how when Eren dies? 3) WHY THE FUCK WAS EREN A RAMBLING AND MUMBLING MESS AT THE END. HE JUST KEPT CONTRADICTING HIMSELF AND HAD NO CLUE WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. He was character assassinated 4) WHY THE FUCK DID HE KILL HIS OWN MOM BACK IN TIME? WASN'T THAT HIS ENTIRE MOTIVATION TO KILL THE TITANS? TRASH Eren was character assassinated . He had no clue what he was doing. He was NOT FREE at all. He was a slave to some shit fate. HE DIDN'T GAIN ANY FREEDOM OR ACHIEVE ANYTHING IN DEATH EITHER. THE WORLD IS STILL IN A WARRING STATE, THE 20% OF THE GLOBE WHICH SURVIVED WANTS REVENGE. There was no satisfaction to anything. He literally said things which reverse all of his character development. I CAN'T TAKE SERIOUSLY HIS CONVERSATION WITH REINER, OR ANY OF HIS VALUES, MOTIVATIONS OR PHILOSOPHY (Meme Image Photoshop) This is literally the worst fucking ending Isayama could have done, destroying Eren's character. Literally ANY of the millions of fan theories out there would have been better. Holy fuck. 5) WHY WERE WE TOLD OUT OF LEFT FIELD IN 139 THAT YMIR HAD A STOCKHOLM SYNDROME LOVE FOR KING FRITZ, AND THATS WHY THE TITAN POWER EXISTS? AND THEN MIKASA KILLING EREN INSPIRES YMIR TO DELETE PATHS? WHAT? Why is this trash plot point THE RESOLUTION OF THIS MASSIVE STORY. I'm supposed to believe in this for how the story ends? You fucking kidding me? Throw it in the fucking garbage, a fucking 12 year old could have written a better ending. There are loads of plot holes you can address, but the main shit is this confused messaging. The author introduced themes such as the cycle of hate, freedom, war, and gave no fucking opinion or conclusion to it. In addition, he reversed the good things he did do. Rushed and sloppy ending. In no sense did Eren's character have any satisfaction at the end. It was instead shat on. Both in terms of his values, and what he achieved. Bullshit plot twists just made him all the more incoherent and nonsensical. ________ Memes like this are my final cope to this garbage "My Comedy show at its (fucking) peak" with how trash this is >NOOOOOOOOO I MUST CRY TO ARMIN FIRST " TATAKAW TATAKAW"

Living in a town right now, I might be moving back to a city soon. Nottingham specifically. Googling it, seems air pollution has risks in regards to developing/worsening breathing and lung difficulties, also some cardiovascular risks. I mean is there is anything to do about it if someone lives in such an area besides limit exposure? Can't say I exactly know the mechanism or science behind it, other than the "common sense" that random shit in your body generally isn't good.

@SS10 What does outlawing racist language mean anyway? Language only has meaning in context, so right off the bat, banning a word would be stupid Even that specific question aside, "banning racism" is a terrible idea. When it comes to things like job discrimination and other similar issues involving opportunity, yeah some legislation should probably exist. Addressing systematic racism can be done by trying to improve various facets of society. But you can't ban people from being racist. This is true. But when it comes to this general topic of prejudices in society and people who experience it, I'll make this broader point. Not everyone who's experienced racism will think the same as you or as each other about how it should be handled. And neither should they, because everyone's an individual and is free regardless of what they've experienced. I experienced a lot of racism in my early life, and I'll probably have the opposite opinion of someone else who did. For example. I remember when I was 5 years old in primary school, some older kids would just call me chocolate bar constantly. And just throughout primary school I had lots of overt racism thrown at me. When I was roughly 9 years old and helping my older sister deliver newspapers, there were just some white teenage kids throwing small rocks and pebbles at us, yelling "Paki" over and over again. Thankfully I brushed most of this off as it happened on those days and in those moments, realising some people are retards and very annoying. I called those older kids white chocolate and they got bored of teasing of me. But some things do linger, and racial prejudices can be so masterfully hidden yet undeniably present. Of course it pisses me off thinking about it. And no one realises it but you or people of your own race in those situations. However, I think it's very important to not turn this into a game where you close yourself up in your shell. Wouldn't want to play a game of "the oppression olympics". Because the truth of the matter is that everyone gets shafted and traumatised by what life throws at them, although some people might have it worse.

I speculate there might be some psychological factors behind the scenes of a lot of this talk. The question of solipsisms hits a few different facets to perception and personality. It hits on matters of empathy, morality and goodness. These are deep things I would refer to "The Essential Difference" by Simon Cohen, I've uploaded just my notes from chapter 1 of it to here. I might upload more later when I continue reading. If someones natural brain type is to heavily "empathise" [vague term you can look up or read around for more nuance, I talked a bit about it in my journal], or they have whatever X biology/psychology, they will formulate non-duality differently and will have a different process, different formulations and differently framed humps to overcome. I don't see a rational resolution from talking and debating. I know I won't get a resolution from that. I mention the psychological factor not at all to invalidate the question and say "hurr durr men are just autistic", but to try and give a little persuasion to people to realise the question won't be solved by lots of thinking from the same place.

@krockerman A big part of it seems to be the evidence matter. Rape is a difficult crime to prove [legal systems have their own definitions for proof, and I'm guessing that different crimes will have different procedures in place for how they are prosecuted and proved. Different countries will have different cultures as well as different evidentiary requirements.] compared to other crimes, but I myself don't know those forensic and crime analysis details which goes into "proving" such a thing to court standards. If rape is difficult to prove, then it will be difficult to disprove or reverse a judgement as well. The statistics won't be like that, but yeah the abstract principle remains. The principle also pops into some people's mind when discussing that the death penalty is bad, that you might be killing someone innocent. Back to talking about rape, the proportion of those wrongly found guilty seems to be small. But it's a still a problem. Yeah, that's a really sad story to hear dude. I hope he didn't to to jail. Uhhh so you're worried about how things will go forward or the culture changes. I would just relax judgement and narrowing your mind. Right now it's hypothetical, and this is just one train of thought. Tangentially related is cancel culture

Arrogance is a certain sense of the word "pride". Pride as a "deadly sin". Scoffing at others, the story of Lucifer/Iblis refusing to humble himself and prostrate before Adam (who maybe symbolises earth in some abstract sense?). -- With arrogance perhaps there is a certain kind of insecurity. In contrast to "confidence". Touchy and sensitive to someone saying something critical. Someone says something you perceive as a threat to your self image, and that instantly turns into a negative emotion. But we only see the negative emotion and it's harder to directly see the aspect of what created that emotion. "True confidence" in contrast probably isn't touchy and sensitive like that. Not being insecure, so its secure

@Carl-Richard Alright so the data does exist, nice @integral Cool chart, can't say I find it very enlightening for me. Could just be a random aid or thinking starter maybe. I guess I just looked at INTP position and was like "hey I should be further up spirituality, or I like all those things in the other quadra" lmao, but I realise its just an abstract chart rather than for me. Just me disliking MBTI.

@integral @Carl-Richard I've seen that bloody MBTI IQ chart a million times, what's even the original source or study lmao. Does it even exist I understand why you feel compelled to speak when someone uses the word "giftedness" like that

@integral So what you're commenting on is arrogance around the desire to search for truth? Plus some other MBTI shit. I used to be in MBTI circles. I know I have that arrogance, it is what it is. Arguing for and against superiority of intuitives and all that shit... With such discussion and patterns, it's not about facts. I wrote this post because I think you and Carl Richards are arguing over nothing. Oh and because I'm distracting myself from something by typing this in the first place haha If you're seeking truth or are on whatever path, then complaining and demonising the "normies" /sensors/"sheep" can be a trap. Projection, victim mentality, responsibility 101, etc

Great song

Nobody could tell you why some people become vicious murderers and others not. It would probably be a deeply spiritual matter which science can't capture. Some traumatised individuals become saints, some become serial killers. This is not me saying it's innate genetics/biology either. (Path of negation) -- If you're interested in this specific topic, one thing to read would be what self-proclaimed psychopaths write on Quora. Some of them are fake though and just emo kids. But from those accounts, some people will simply born a different way, and they aren't criminals. If you want to get into the technical nitty gritty, some would argue that using the word "psychopath" so haphazardly on anyone who's a violent criminal is harmful. Media loving to create a lot of theatre and romance around that word. Creating negative stereotypes for psychopaths who are non-criminal regular citizens. Also, I know@Matt23 is probably right in saying as far as the technical medical lingo goes.

@peanutspathtotruth Thanks for the reply man, still encountering this "problem" or dilemma I guess (didn't meditate too many times since the original post, especially eyes open). I somewhat get what you mean about ignoring the visual field. Just being fine with it maybe. I think it's possible to have the eyes relatively still, and you don't need to focus on a small point. It's your total visual field just there. Only other visual thing to fiddle with is experimentally candle gazing in meditation as a side thing

@CameronsExploring Being stage orange came natural to me due to a heavy interest in maths innately. Before becoming pure orange, I had some blue strengthened through spirituality with Islam. Eventually Islam fell apart for me. So with pure orange, I was atheistic with scientific determinism metaphysics. Sam Harris advocates for meditation, so that eventually led me to discovering spirituality again. Which led to mystical experiences of ego death, which lead to questioning stage orange metaphysics. Maybe I bypassed some green and just went to yellow directly. But that's how it is. SD wouldn't be tidy and simple, its just a mish mash of different energies and memes. Holding it with a hierarchical/linear and judging mind creates a lot of fragmentation.

@Opo @integral Cool suggestions, thanks.

Friday 02/04/2021 +1 03:37 I'm sleepy as fuck. I'll force myself to meditate before sleeping today, trying not to just fall asleep and say ""gg, good meditation". But maybe that will happen. Not sure why on earth how or why I wasted so much time today. Well I can break it down. Obviously in the morning I stayed in bed for 2 hours or so, chilling on my laptop and doing whatever shit. That felt okay/whatever. Wasted time with television. Then talked to my brother for too long, helped do some outside errands. I wasted 3 hours playing some online game with friends, ate pasta someone else made when I shouldn't have. Rest was a blur after the from 12am and 1am onwards. There's nothing else to do but be here really. I've heard some explanations David R Hawkins gives or these spiritual teachers give, but I brush that side really, since it's about my own experience and what I can see or discover to be true. Various teachers or religious schools, they can give good methods or advice though for different problems, sure. I've only meditated for 2 days in a row, today is 3rd in a row if I do it now after closing this laptop. Already felt some nice things of just doing it alone, but I haven't even scratched dx%, probably. A plastic bucket with holes becomes a steel bucket with holes, is one way of putting it.

The implication being that sex and the such is perhaps in the world of carnal desire and survival I think this paradigm somewhat breaks when you're thrown into lots of suffering, can't cope and heal with ordinary methods in the world. And so I'm forced to become spiritual since nothing else is strong enough to help. Not forced, just it's the thing to do

@Podie45 If I understand you right you've already quit your SSRI's. Back in July 2020 I made the decision to ween off SSRI's due to anhedonia and numbed emotions. I ended up stopping medication completely by December. Still now I have these problems with lack of emotion and the such. Although in the past week and few days, the situation might be slightly different. I've spent a great deal of energy and effort into focusing on my feeling (and letting them go?). And in the absence of as many negative feelings and thoughts, I feel empty and it's unsettling..... The insight here perhaps is that on some level, I really do enjoy my suffering and neuroticism. I enjoy getting indignant, angry, suicidal, miserable, etc. Brutal, but perhaps there's a kernel of truth to that. I think that perhaps or despite doing spiritual methods, I need to take things on psychologically/therapeutically for what my shadow is. So psychological + spiritual approach is what I say to you. Talked too much about myself. So. There'll probably be "no easy" way out for your problems. There are two things I've found to help. 1) Radical honesty [this includes yourself and others] 2) Fully feeling something, and developing concentration in that manner.

@The_Truth_Seeker Your topic post here is obviously an expression, perhaps a reaction against something. To me it's not valuable advice at all. The way I see it, one should not think in this memetic/generalisation/judging manner if they want to get closer to truth or happiness. If you're developing yourself, perhaps you should forget first what you think masculinity or femininity is. Just focus on making the unconscious conscious. Forget this gender wars bullshit. -- Interesting side note, there seems to be a kind of framing of masculine vs feminine some spiritual folk do. Where, in crude terms, the meme is that spirituality=femininity=surrender=divinity and masculine=forceful ego. I'm probably just exaggerating to communicate how it comes across. Straw-manning for comedy there. The idea is probably that masculinity has a firmness in dedication/devotion, single mindedness and concentration. Still though, this dichotomy of masculine and feminine doesn't help me spiritually. Idk why it would.

Thursday 01/04/2021 20:28 The basic feeling is one of distractibility and anxiety. It's a kind of distractible anxiety, a bit unhinged with impulsivity. It might have been from tea I had earlier, not sure. Drank tea, did some reading then journalling, then ate food and felt sluggish. But I didn't feel anxious after drinking the tea initially. I made anther cup of green tea since I'm super lethargic to do anything. Not sure if I'll drink it now. In the past when this irritiability and impulsiveness arises, well it's uncomfortable so I just unconsciously tried to suppress it, distract myself from it, or unconsciously express it. Unconscious either way there! Me turning on my laptop was another defence mechanism. I'm resisting sleepiness but also intense anxiety. That is not a combo you want! Sleepiness means you're unable to concentrate on sensations and feelings. But I feel slightly more awake from just focusing on my sensations. -- I set my intention and will, surrender my intention and will, in prayer and concentration. What is praying? I think it's no different than intention. Apparently, with intention comes attraction. They also call it "alignment". Today was a good day. It really was somehow. I mean after I woke up, I pissed away 2 hours playing Cold War (the new call of duty). I felt very heavy depersonalisation afterwards. I then went outside, practiced paying attention to my body as I walked. I shredded some cardboard with my hands and arms, and that inadvertently grounded me a lot. After that I did a bit of reading, started reading 3 Pillars of Zen. I then journaled and reflected, prayed, and felt more higher consciousness after that. I made an intention to not judge myself and others, to accept all good and all bad. Whatever violent or horrible thoughts I have, whatever evil I see in others. This was all reflected upon in the context of shadow work as well, where the unconscious is vulgar.* It's funny because this point of reflection become relevant later in the day to my own chimp mind and anger Then when I was about to go meditate and read more, my mum arrived with fresh tasty food. I made a "mistake" perhaps in deciding to eat then rather than later (because food delayed my plans and t makes me sluggish). I had an interaction with my dad. We were downstairs, he asked me to go fetch him some small box of tablets from his room. Told me to go bring the entire box because I wouldn't know which ones. In hindsight I should have just asked which ones. Anyway, I can't find the right box. I pick up a larger tray which also has his tablets. The whole time I was kinda pissed off to be doing this. As I'm giving them to him, I get pissed off at something he said or his minor tone. Whatever specific there isn't important. *So my mind is just filled with thoughts of "cuñt cuñt cuñt bitch bitch bitch" The problem here is this. I don't feel I have a relationship with my dad outside of him just asking me to do shit for him. I get it, he's old he's whatever, but he's also just "intrinsically authoritarian" perhaps and inflexible. He can't ever ask for a favour or ask for help casually, it's always in that subtle autocratic manner. And growing up, I never really felt free or like I had any real choice. Reeling it in slightly, again I think the main problem again is just that the relationship isn't much outside of him asking for shit like that. And I don't feel like I can be myself or act myself around him. And so I think I should talk to him or bring it up like that. Yeah so there's work there. Nothing catastrophic or end of the world though so yeah. I also have unfinished business on Discord App that I've procrastinated doing, and that gives me butterflies in stomach thinking about it, but its fine. I can knowingly suppress that for now. -- I need a reboot and new direction. Seeing tangible steps is hard, but I'm grateful for the fact I can at least somewhat see what I wish to do today! And I can see and think what books I should probably read, what practices I should do. I'll read more of this Zen book briefly. I'll do some Kriya Yoga, maybe some "zen meditation" as well afterwards. I only read less than half of Radical Honesty, I'll probably give that one a restart. I feel a lot of resistance and fear to reading it, but I can do it anyway. That's what it means to be "devoted" perhaps. Should I drink this green tea? Sure. Give my reading and meditation a boost. Again, great video. Forgiveness can only arise automatically and naturally out of high consciousness, not from suppression, denial and lying +1 00:41 I feel tired & a little overwhelmed. In addition to fear and anxiety, I hate myself for having not done better I hate myself for not being able to face my fears. I feel overwhelmed and hate myself. A fear I hadn't thought about in a while suddenly popped up to me when I was meditating. So many fears and anxieties. And I beat myself up for not facing my fears. Because right now, there's a fear that I have that's been bothering me for a month now, which could potentially be resolved if I fully felt it and also did the action I needed to do. But I'm too fucking scared to do so. Also I beat myself up for not meditating well enough. Rather I feel disappointed. Why haven't I fixed myself? Before and after meditating, I'm the same old me. Rather I'm aware of my deficiencies more now after meditating. But this is the mindset I have. Self hatred, beating myself up. Pessimism and neurotic perfectionism. These are enemies of mine for a while now, although I don't or haven't really handled it. +1 01:19 The sleepiness in combination with the meditation is making me feel a bit strange.... In regards to my bad mentality, all I can be is....... I just. I think I'm scared that "this is it". I'm scared my life and my existence will be ordinary. I'm scared II'll die an obese, retarded failure. "I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure I can't die a failure" I can't die a failure. I feel regret and sorrow over my life being wasted. Regret and sorrow over the past are what I feel for some reason Alright. Now switch off the music it's a distraction albeit a beautiful one. Remember your vow and your goal. Tomorrow you can do it. In fact I would have done it just now, would it not be for the fact that I blocked Discord App for 16 more hours. So that is off my mind. All that's required is the intention, willingness/openness and dedication. The willingness and openness for anything in your unconscious, for any powerful negative feeling and thought that arises in you. Fully feeling and listening to every unpleasant feeling or savage thought. So long as that intention is there, the multiplicity of problems becomes no big deal. Something @Nahm once said me to me is coming to mind for me now, how he said that there's "no such thing" (paraphrase) in response to me saying I have 100's of problems.