lmfao

So I've been looking at my negative thoughts and emotions regarding the existence of my life. Thoughts which I stick by "life is meaningless and I'm just going to die anyway". Life is meaningless and I am just going to die anyway (2 things there but they fuse). But in trying to look at what my negative feelings and emotions are regarding this, I find a couple of things. If life has no "literal meaning", what that means is that life and experiences can only be self referential in their value. They can reference nothing else. In other words, the life you've lived and the present moment experience you're having is all there is. So you're afraid of realising you've wasted your life and that you'll die one day. Confronting nihilism means confronting your denial and distraction mechanisms. There's obviously the denial of death due to fear of death. The fact that we'll die one day makes it so that we don't want to waste our lives being miserable or live a life we regret. But I live such a life and want to distract myself from that. And we often lead such miserable lives, but don't want to acknowledge it. Or when we do realise it, it overwhelms us in an existential crisis like this one. It's easy to end up going with the flow of what people around you or society ends up expecting of you in regards to your lifestyles and aspirations, and so you end up just doing it without thinking much. But that makes you unhappy, but you're afraid of realising or accepting that fact. And when you're going with the flow like this, you deliberately don't think very much about certain things, and you do everything you can to keep yourself distracted. Or worse, you're often aware of how you're wasting your life going with the flow of cultural delusion, but you keep doing it anyway. Hence that meme about "intelligent" people being more depressed and in existential crisis. With confronting nihilism/death, you see two things. You see the "cost" you've already paid in squandering your life and opportunity, regrets about the past. You also fear the future and the rest of it being wasted if you keep going on this trajectory.

I'm wearing a t-shirt/pijama top that my mum bought me, on it is a small rainbow and "rainbows for our heroes" (It's some NHS propaganda). Now, I'm considering going for a walk or run outside. Normally, I'd wear this shirt, because this shirt is already used, and I won't get a fresh shirt dirty this way. However. I am embarrassed to be wearing it, social anxiety, etc. Embarrassed about wearing a rainbow and seeming queer to other people. I'm already feeling pretty deflated and unconfident in myself today. Some social anxiety thing whenever I go out to places. So then I beat myself up mentally for not being confident enough. The shirt isn't even that bad, it's moreso funny. My "pride" makes me unwilling to just go out and wear the shirt (well, some social anxiety thing). BUT, another aspect of my pride also makes me reluctant or hesitant to just take off the shirt, for then I admit I am a beta male, fearful and mediocre. But it's not good to be prideful like that. It leaves me locked and hesitant, less flexible and open. I think it reflects a lack of patience or neuroticism on my end; " unless I'm aiming for ideal from the get go, there's no point". Surrender your pride Mujtaba. Take off the shirt if you're anxious, you can wear it another time for fun. And if anyone ever laughs at it, well you'll probably laugh at it too and have a good retort. In fact, I want someone to comment on my shirt! Otherwise how can I use my joke! Such a pity. You're just socially anxious. But it does no good to be inflexible and beat yourself up. _ _ Pride is just.... _ _ Questions of the form "What is X?" have two interpretations. 1) What is X itself? 2) What objects posses the quality of X?

Also I'll add this to what I was saying earlier. What's the point in arguing over the exact accuracy over certain words when you know what the other person means? How is it not just mental masturbation at that point? You talk about wanting to drop concepts and not mental masturbating, but then you're also incredibly territorial about your version of words holding. To what end? It achieves nothing and points towards nothing of substance, you're just arguing over what to write in a dictionary (written before I saw your edit)

@tatsumaru Fair dues, all in all I respect how hardcore you're going. Right Okay I got what you saying _ _ The only caveat I'll add is this. People will talk, have to talk about their experience. Talking is by very nature conceptual and allegorical. So be careful about being contentious and declaring war on every concept and label people use. You're right in how adamant you are to not confuse the concept with the realisation. But don't overlook the very simple fact that when I experience mind-blowing I yell "infinity" and that's truthful and authentic, and there's no need to dissect anything in that manner. Provided we can contextualise it correctly and not confuse it with actuality. Being excessively contentious in this manner can become another robotic program

@tatsumaru it looks to me like you're playing a war over vocabulary. In addition to talking about delusions of mathematicians. I can exclaim and call my experience infinite as the word I want to say, there's nothing complicated about that. There is non-mathematical infinity, the same way I can experience nothingness which isn't the empty set. That's a separate issue from the delusion of mathematicians, which by all means you are free to rant about. I understand that you're ranting about that with a context, but to say there's no non-mathematical infinity is limited to whatever scheme of words you're reference. But yeah I do kinda get what you're doing with infinity. Since conceptually there with infinity, there is division into many infinities. And you're going after division. So I guess what you're also fundamentally going after is perception of "many"/division vs "one", which is cool. Also sounds like you're talking about whether there is just one absolute and that's that, or whether there are levels to it. Insert Ralston vs Leo debates.

Sounds to me like you were bored of what the conversation was going to become and wanted to play a different game. That has potential to be positive and interesting. Im guessing you were grumpy and moody at some point since this has become a topic for reflecting on your shadow. Perhaps it was a situation where you were just snappy and ready to bite beforehand, and the convo just triggered it as your outlet Only you can know what happened there. I can only take on faith how truthfully you recounted your motivation and events but I see no reason to doubt it. Sounds like dumb nigga shit all in all. I personally wouldn't read too deeply into it. If I or anyone calls anyone else "snappy" or whatever label, these are passing feelings and random moods rather than defining aspects about us. Very funny story though

Indeed good sir

This makes sense to me, everything after is drivel.

@RMQualtrough Since t=0, that should bring into question how one holds causality I've found. Paying attention to present, time and being, etc. Very whacky stuff Alright so you're bringing up the topic of other people's minds. _ _ I don't think your analogy explains the "why" of anything, but that's not an insult to your analogy particularly. It's just how they all are

When it comes to language. I've noticed in myself and a few other users clinging onto their own definitions of words like "thought" and "feeling" as gospel, and as the only acceptable way to use them. The verbal pissing contests will go on forever, since apparently we're trying to reach a transcendental realm. A realm where you're like God with a piece of void/blank paper, having absolute freedom and control over the conceptual landscapes you invent and use. Treating language like play-doh Context context context

@RMQualtrough Xᶜ ∪ X = U , X=¬¬X . But also, ∅ ∈ A , ∀A that exist. [Where the logic fails is when you realise ∅=U, A=∅, etc]. That logic is simple enough, understanding and seeing it directly is something else though. It seems you're trying to catch the moment the duality arises. All logic symbols =, ⇒,⇔,¬, take 0 time to work, it's instantaneous Which is why straining the mind to catch these things is so hard. The very moment you start saying your sentence, you're alrea-

I hate but also need to somewhat relax with this state of consciousness I'm in. It feels eerily quiet in my head. Rather than thinking I feel much more non verbal. Undercurrent of panic because I feel like there isn't much of a self. Spaced out and dazed sometimes though, mental fantasy but image form. Just need to express/accept and not suppress the panic. More venting than it is topic thread Actually kinda pleasant though. No, that's random words

Sun 23/05/21 19:34 The impression that life is just a blank field. Nothing to do. No grander point to things, no meaning to anything. What would that make my life then? Nihilism is a bitter pill because, well, it's the truth, but also maybe because it's an uncomfortable seeing or regret about how you've wasted your life? I'm not sure exactly how I'm negative. Realise that there is absolutely no authority, no dictate, no code. This still hasn't sunk in and I don't act as so. Everyone is equal, everything is right, everything is free. Everyone is equal in because they can be unequal, everything is free because they can be enslaved, everything is right because it can be wrong? Is God a Libertarian then? _ _ _ Why am I afraid of nihilism? Because I'm afraid of death. Afraid of the realisation that I've wasted my life. The realisation or truth that I'm wasting my life (branch, slap awake vs neuroticism ) I feel as though I am not powerful enough to get the answers and experience I want. So, where do I find that power? Is that even the right way to put it? * _ _ _ Now, I would like the believe Mujtaba that you can still do it. Wander around a bit, enjoy and experience a few things. GOD'S A LIBERTARIAN GOD'S A LIBERTARIAN GOD'S A LIBERTARIAN GOD'S A LIBERTARIAN. WHAT AN INSANE MAD LAD. _ _ *Hmm. Why so dazed all the time? You look like you've seen a ghost. Spaced out. Trying to settle on a line eludes me | The words just don't come out. Old forms of thought aren't it. _ _ _ I hate but also need to somewhat relax with this state of consciousness I'm in. It feels eerily quiet in my head. Rather than thinking I feel much more non verbal. Undercurrent of panic because I feel like there isn't much of a self. Spaced out and dazed sometimes though.

Yep

@StarStruck 2 months!!! You're killing it bro. That's loads of time for you to recharge dude. So what if you do it a few times now, you can go back to not jacking your dick to porn. I'm porn addicted as well. I never did/(could do) nofap properly. Nofap is supposed to be able to reset your dick sensitivity and libido and etc. I don't know if it will do the job fully tbh, since things like depression and overall lifestyle/consciousness can control that. But what you talk about in erectile dysfunction and etc puts it into light about how important fixing the addiction is for me. Honestly, I don't know what the causes of everything with me is regarding that domain. For myself, I view inability to get an erection on command/will as a deviation. Since that's something I could do with just imagination/thought. Obviously I must remember to not get lost in negativities of "what I've lost" or anything like that. In regards to reduced/numbed pleasure from jacking it. _ _ _ _ _ When it comes to how or why I use porn too much. In recent times, its been because I overused it as a painkiller. Relatable story for a lot us I suppose. Feeling stressed and it takes the edge of. This thread is good timing for me. I've been jacking it every day for a while now. Past few days I haven't due to stress/being busy. What I've found is that even if I don't feel the pure horny urge, I still have the psychological craving. I'm fairly limp, but part of me wants to make it go erect anyway to jack off (which I could do).

Good question about trauma/history. How much are we making up? How much is real? Drawing lines between your nature and environment can feel meaningless. Whatever the medium and mechanism, inheritance between family seems to be something that exists. I can see some patterns I share with, other patterns formed in rebellion to, my parents. _ _ _ Practically speaking, it's probably a good idea or quite important to look at your trauma. I still don't understand my own, partly because of my DPDR which prevents me from relating to my past self easily. But even if my actual tangible memory of details is gone, I have emotional memory for how I felt during phases of my life. I've often felt the bottom line to be this. Regardless of how I conceptualise what caused what, what steps I should take, how I should overcome my problems, mostly remains the same overall. Opening up to emotional blockages, looking at my experience right now And if there are people in life you have unresolved grudges and hang ups with, it can often be helpful to talk to (or confront) such people. What do you have to lose? I've done this with a few people. It was definitely worthwhile. Maybe I've overlooked this issue of resolving trauma when it could be what's needed

Romanticism is stage Woke and Based, that's all that matters. All other discussion here is one of history, time periods and different schools/traditions. You'll find any color version of romanticism you want to find.

Let's do it guys, we'll organise a conference of solipsists, and all of us can argue which one of us is really real http://www.watleyreview.com/2004/081704-3.html This is some good satire

Yep, it's your problem entirely. Responsibility doesn't land on Leo for that. Of course, you can still cry and try to get some sympathy. But anyone with half a brain won't be budged an inch. So much passive-aggressive horseshit. Yes, that was completely your intention. Play it straight Edit: Sorry for snapping at you like that, I do genuinely feel bad about it. I got pissed and reactive. I am sorry and do feel bad, but I still think you're playing some bullshit

@Roy That was some good feedback Echo Chamber aspects are kinda inevitable, happens with any group of people. I'm too lazy to explain and find the words, but this will loop back around to previous discussions had about moderation and the locking of threads on this forum, if you can see the link between what you said and that. I don't see people complaining about moderation so much anymore in threads? Whatever the reason for that is It's quite a complex issue. I remember arguing against what was going on, but at the end of the day I made my peace with it since it's Leo's place, moderation is tricky. I just be as I am and whatever happens happens. If I was Leo, I would find the what you're advocating for me to do to be disingenuous, and needlessly. Why would I only advocate people only take them with a sitter when I think people can also take responsibility for doing them privately? That's just lying.

@sat11 You walked through the front door here barely an hour ago, come on now

@RMQualtrough Yeah for sure it could be possible on some level, who knows. Why couldn't it be. I'll try playing devil's advocate for those beliefs in re-incarnation. I think to entertain this, we need to bear in mind the concept that there are different levels and different senses in which "you" as an entity/individual/soul/person exist. Hindus sometimes talk about "the body" on multiple levels. There is the physical body, mental body, and astral body, etc. So even if you believe in re-incarnation, there is a good chance you can think that much of what you call and identify as "you" does in fact die. It would be hard to know what it all exactly means. Alright so maybe hypothetically I die, and then I get re-incarnated as a random baby in Mexico, or maybe I got re-incarnated into a different universe or astral realm completely. Whatever the case, my current human self has definitely died in a large sense. But the idea or happening of re-incarnation gives you hope or more optimism that you keep going on. So if you wonder about re-incarnation, it will depend on the specifics of what parts of you think "die" versus what "goes on and survives". It will enter questions about what you define as "you". Different kinds of structures which we call "you". _ _ _ _ It's been quite some months since I've had a proper spiritual experience, but the last one was in regards to death and immortality of my true nature. And that had nothing to do with re-incarnation, it was irrelevant of and beyond that. That's my memory and the story anyway, I'm not experiencing it now. I think it's quite possible though that enlightenment can be independent of factors involving re-incarnation or not. Kinda like how being enlightened is independent of your knowledge of biology or physics, the same thing could true in regards to re-incarnation.

My mind was surging with very intense anxiety and fear over external circumstances and a situation. Now mind is more quiet and it's become more about sensations rather than labels of "fear" and "anxiety". The intense stress went somewhat "full circle" into focus. But now that mind has quietened down a bit, act. Constraints of pressure and time can become immaterial if you're in the zone, in the zone because you're detached and accept all outcomes. And maybe you don't make it, and that's okay. But either way, you are free to act.

@Endangered-EGO The way I see it, there's no pressure or need to do anything specific at all, including spiritual awakening. There's just living life, and that's that. Maybe just enjoy it. There is no imperative or need to pursue awakening. Languages like Buddhism and Non-Duality become naught but outer garments and dressings. The garnishings become nothing, toppling over to the lightest of winds. A gentle breeze with the right geometry is all it takes for an unwinding and spiral into madness. For example, I suffer heavily. In this present moment I have intense feelings. What I mostly care about is the resolving is that. I have the tendency to ask " Why am I being punished?". And obviously that sort of thinking doesn't do anyone favours. Whatever the case. When you're suffering a lot, nothing else matters. What comes to matter is just feeling okay and feeling normal, and not needing anything else. _ _ _ But that isn't the complete truth I suppose, and isn't the complete truth for you either perhaps. For example. The past several weeks, my mind has been highly active and struggling as lots of things come up for me in my shadow and mental illness. With my shadow and personality generally mutating/changing. I reached a turning point of too much stress that I decided to stop straining myself. Stop straining my efforts for exploring shadow and authenticity, or spirituality. I relaxed my mind. In turn, I came to feel a bit more happier and positive, it gave me a less contracted perspective. It made me slightly more refreshed, I became more loving , kind and simple. I felt more like my younger, more happy go lucky self. BUT IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT TO DO THAT. I CAN'T JUST TURN AWAY. But. Perhaps I need to learn from this. I can't do the exact same hardcore approach on my mind and not expect to get burned. But neither can I turn away from the battlefield, my dissatisfaction with mediocre and my ambition are too much, and in some sense they are inseparable. Perhaps it's a balancing act, I haven't quite learned how to integrate the love/gentleness. And what's been blocking me from doing so is an extremely large pride and ego which I haven't harnessed wisely. And so one tug of war in my mind a lot is between "pride" and "relaxation". I can only pray, live optimistically. Maybe resolution will come

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xm4VWvRcU9w https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUhv1TUl-pE dakuse wa oni seigi wa nazo to The world of man is ogreish; what might justice be? tou mae ni aragae yo akutoku no hana Resist it before you ask that, oh flower of vice gizen no yume mishi me ni wa me o sashi Keep your eye on eyes that behold dreams of hypocrisy sei mo ja mo wakatareru koto nashi Without being able to distinguish between life and evil hikari wa tae taiji no you ni Just as how light is an aborted embryo kimi wa nemuru yami no shikyuu You are a womb of slumbering darkness kodoku koso itooshii Solitude: that is what is precious yuiitsu no mikata to naru darou It shall surely become your sole friend hitori hitori chishio ni mamire One by one, smeared with blood, kono jidai ni umareochita You were born into this era erabareshi oujira yo O, you chosen princes tatakai koso shukuan Battle: that is your celebratory throne aa ware wa uruwashi zenchi Ah, I am the beautiful omniscience ai no haha kimi o umu The loving mother who birthed you kono chichi ni hagukumishi mono wa Those reared on my milk are jigoku no harakara The brethren of hell mokushi no in shinri wa nanzo to The mudra of revelation; what might truth be? shiri mo sezu uzumoreshi intoku no tane The seeds of concealment buried away without knowing that moroha no ken nuku ha ni wa ha o muke Bare your blade to blades that are drawn double-edged mamoru beki mono dake o shinjite Believe only in those whom you must protect aru ga mama ni kimi wa kimi o hanate You will release yourself the way you are danmatsuma no sakebi o abite Shower in the screams of the agony of death ranjuku seshi kono sekai ni In this overripe world nomikomare i o sogare Mutilate those of your feelings that are understood tada ikiru shikabane no mure A flock of corpses that simply breathe sore wa kimi ga fumishidaku mono That is what you have trampled awaremu koto wa yasu keredo It is simple to to take pity, but sukuwarezu sukuwareru It is scooped out without hope of salvation uragiri no hito no michi The path of the one who betrays aa ware wa routashi bitoku Ah, I am the beautifully elegant virtue haha no ai kimi o hamu The mother's love that nourishes you kono hara ni haramitsuzukeru wa That which continues to ripen in my belly igyou no tsubasa ka Are they grotesque wings? gokushi no kagi shinjitsu wa ari ya The key to prison; might truth exist? sagase domo hate mo nashi konton no ori Though I seek it, there is no end to the cage of chaos shinban no ya iru te ni wa te o fure Touch your hand to hands that shoot arrows of judgment kyo to jitsu ga oremagarimajiwaru Lies and truth shall fold, twist and intersect yoakeru made kimi wa kimi ni insu You will lust after yourself until day breaks sakare yo sake yo Prosper and bloom chiriisogu koto na kare Without ever hurrying towards your fall mokushi no in shinri wa nanzo to The mudra of revelation; what might truth be? shiri mo sezu uzumoreshi intoku no tane The seeds of concealment buried away without knowing that moroha no ken nuku ha ni wa ha o muke Bare your blade to blades that are drawn double-edged mamoru beki mono dake o shinji yo Oh, believe only in those whom you must protect dakuse wa oni seigi wa izoko to The world of man is ogreish; where might justice be? tou yori ni sakihokore akutoku no hana Bloom with pride rather than asking that, oh flower of vice gizen no yume mishi me ni wa me o sashi Keep your eyes on eyes that behold dreams of hypocrisy sei mo shi mo kyoukai wa aru maji There is no church for either life or death saigo no toki kimi wa kimi ni junji You will make self-sacrifice to yourself at the final moment, subete o daki satoran Embrace everything, and attain enlightenment _ _ _ _ _ _ Perfect