lmfao

I don't have a position on pro or anti immigration. I would be against someone suggesting borders be abolished completely. My parents are immigrants. I spent plenty of time in Birmingham AKA Mini-Paksitan in my childhood, I saw the squalor and backwards culture of some people and thought "Uhhhhhh you know what, maybe we shouldn't let too many more in. Just a thought. JUST MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN PAKISTAN LMAO" Now I don't think about it

Every over possessive mother on the planet goes here lmfao

Leaving my house a few more times, visiting different places, socialising a bit, I realise how ignorant and limited I still am. The connotations of that isn't the way to put it, and in fact it would be an error. I have a hidden or implicit belief that I am still a child who doesn't have a valid or worthwhile perspective on things, and so that is not what I mean at all by ignorance. ^^This is the key error you've made before. My ignorance comes in how I relate to the world, what fears and beliefs have shaped me and define me. I have a problem interfacing with the world, {especially in regard to "normies"} . And I've just buried that problem and ignored it by shutting myself in. I shan't shut myself in, but neither am I to fall into my old patterns. That is the supposed or apparent double bind of mine. Perhaps the purpose of being a borderline shut in for so many months was for me to have a break, and then be presented the option to choose differently when the situation arises again. Who knows, that's all just narrative. _ _ Get clarity on this. The strangest and silliest of things bind your identity, neurotic self-consciousness and behaviour with others. Take hold of this and realise this, see it. This might seemingly go deep in life story, at least as far as the narratives and images that come up. Another thread to realise is how you struggle to interact with a world which seems so alien.... Look out for differentiable threads that get tangled and mixed up together. _ _ _ Part of me still wishes I had it in me to commit suicide. It seems the only reason I could do that is to deny or escape reality. I would leave a note saying "Sorry I did this, I just couldn't accept or acknowledge reality". I'd rather live in the world of fantasy, anime and music. But what's a niggger to do, I'm here in reality aren't I... Feeling some dimensions of emotion today. In a good way. My life is a joke, can someone just pull the plug already. My arms are crossed and I'm pouting like an angry toddler. Having the impression that I was wearing clown makeup the entire time makes me angry. Mhhhhhhhhh I'm so fucking angry. Alright I'm angry. Now what. NOW WHAT. ANYONE. SOMEONE. KILL ME [Had to hide a post because it wasn't me who wrote it and I didn't get much value from it just pasting and looking at it here. Sleepy af, thinking that rereading that post mattered, thinking that altering and edited it mattered for future reflections. I'm a massive fraud and liar. No that's not it exactly. I was trapped in fantasy land, where I wanted to pretend I have certain qualities of intelligence or sacred powers that I don't have. Or I thought that by ruminating over and (trying to, as well as, ) plagiarising brilliance/genius I would get closer to that point ]** But boy oh boy is it a narrative that the cost will be paid. Or maybe realistic cause and effect. Who knows. Does the criticism "your rhetoric detectors are too overtuned" land or resonate? Not really. Actually, maybe kinda someone could say. I'm fast to dismiss things? **Remember this point if you ever get into writing or reading properly. You can't copy and regurgitate. Even emulation should be done with caution.

I like this idea of boxing or the such. I had a stressful and unexpected situation arise, [which my gut is telling me I probably manifested due to the other multiple synchronicities and coincidences which pop up for me. The situation was proximal to some of the worst fears I have which have been on my mind. "What you hold in mind tends to manifest" rings very true to me right now] , it made me enter complete survival and flight/fight mode. So the stressful situation which is probably resolved now was like a simulation of full on anxiety and survival, and it's left me awake and alert. It's a state of consciousness to explore, training under stress. Trying to learn to be mindful and relaxed with such situations, where my default is mechanical and neurotic.

I haven't watched this man in over 4-5 years. Used to listen to him in 2016. It was nice listening to him again I listened to him because he came up as someone in my dream last night. In the context of my dream, he ended up going "insane" or "off the rails". He had a psychological crisis of some sort, reconsidering the nature of his youtube content. I saw an image of a skull (and fire?) . Maybe also images of a desert terrain, I also remember a rocky cliff.He wanted to make content that he felt was quality inherently, (and not just quick and easy content for shekels? I can't remember the dream fully). In my dream, he was making quality videos that take a long time to produce (and was perhaps losing money because of it?) So that was all in my dream, I haven't kept up with the man in years. Last thing I saw from him was a debate with Vaush months and months ago. Good thing he appeared in my dream and I found this video, it brought up philosophical points that are very pertinent to me right now. Perhaps my dream coincided with something because he seems like a very different person from how I remember him _ _ _ He seemed to just be chilling here and more thoughtful then he used to be. He layed out a few interesting things. He talked about aspects of the left which wish to decriminalised incest as an example. When it comes to incest, its not something I'd do, I think it would be weird if everyone started doing it, but I'm not really thinking about it and if you pushed me on it to get an answer I'd say "okay decriminalise it". My biggest objection is birth defects. But obviously he then brings up the point or asks the question of why I don't have such strong moral sensibilities. And it's a very good question. Considering it all for myself, I see it ends up meaning I'm morally nihilistic and will allow all sorts of debauchery to happen _ _ _ He claimed that the left is about absolute "freedom of the will", and about the abolition of all boundaries. E.G. People who advocate for pedophilia. Something which is perhaps different that, "freedom of the agent", (where will belongs to agent) is freedom from coercion from other agents. He references France, considers "freedom of the will" in extreme, with a conflict between mind and body. End up wanting to demolish every moral and social boundary. The "end game" of "the left" is people going into atomised units of the individual. _ _ _ _ _ These were cool points, it won't change anything for me though. I have to further change and abolish boundaries, the alternative is drowning

The workbook or the textbook do you have? I'm most just using the workbook. I don't know too much about the textbook, but I found it a bit polarising with resistance as well. It uses some very Christian and abrahamic language, and it felt weird to me because I was paranoid about all sorts of guilt and memory it bought up since I was raised Muslim. A while back, I sent the following message to someone _ _ _ _ _ _ I was reading through this book a woman wrote, "A Course in Miracles", it is essentially non-dualism with very interesting Christian language and framing. So there's a text side to the book and a workbook side. I was just reading the text out of curiosity. Due to Christian langauge and themes in it, it unexpectedly triggered or uncovered trauma or fears I had. Because I was a religious Muslim in the past and all that, it seems I have a lot of left over fears. What I still have embedded in my psyche is a punitive and fearful worldview of god. Afraid that god will strike me down for sin. Afraid of being luciferean in my thinking lest god strike inflict vengeance. Made me then realise that any notion of sin or karma engenders fear. You think you have sinned against god, and hence you see the world as a form of vengeance which will strike you at any moment. You walk around thinking the world always has strings attached, which is further elaboration of seeing the world as a place of vengeance. Because in the unconscious is shame about your very own existence and you don't think you're worthy to exist. Funnily enough, the material in ACIM is about undoing exactly that, and I initially projecting all of that onto ACIM. This is all described pretty well in this thing I found. https://facim.org/the-fear-of-god-and-compassion-for-others-part-1/ I was also afraid of being dragged into another belief system by reading all this due to all the phrasing, since I had been harmed by belief systems in the past. A general fear of mythology, images, stories, beliefs. Fear of being confused, being lost, fear of my own mind and fear of chaos. The strange terminology of "Father", "Son", "Holy Spirit", etc made me all scared whilst reading, untill I saw this other quote in the book "Since you believe that you are separate, Heaven presents itself to you as separate, too." _ _ _ So those were some of my reactions

I'm doing A Course in Miracles, for any supposed connection to love/god. They give you an idea/exercise to apply every day, and there are 365 lessons. The lessons are in a workbook. I'm on lesson 12 rn, going through it slightly too slowly because it's so easy for me to forget to apply the exercise throughout the day. Just a few times during the day is fine. There's a pdf of it online for free, both textbook and workbook. https://holybooks.com/a-course-in-miracles/ Me personally, I bought the workbook, it's pretty sleek and nice. Reading the textbook on chapter 2 was really interesting for me. I don't know if I'll end up selfless since I see the path before me right now as one of antagonism and handling my animal nature, but this is all still good stuff to practice.

Schrodinger's Fagg0t. Is that a dick or a dildo in my ass? I won't know untill someone tells me! That's my subjective experience! If I close my eyes, perhaps the shadow of nîgger can disappear and what can arise is the platonic ideal. I might get into journalling again, mostly on paper, just for the sake of reminding myself of tasks. Serious journalling and reflections is better done on paper, for I don't want the slightest degree of social perception and self-consciousness to taint what I write. Avocado, stretch, ACIM, tea, doesn't matter what order. Some sort of work out. I'll maybe do some my physics reading, "I'll punch that cu** Ta{beep} in the face". Woah, take a chill pill, M. Above all else, you can do this. Thy will be done on earth as it is on heaven. Okay. Edit: Honestly, I've had up to here with both myself, my family, and how I handle my family. Thoughts and feelings of vindictiveness, spite and withdrawal arise for me, but I must instead just listen to the signal of rage instead of being consumed by it. Listen to the signals. I dislike this part of me which does not want to forgive or reconcile. But I first must own it. No words no thoughts can save me or offer consolation. I'm pissed off and fed up. Something David Hawkins said. Every moment, one has to make a decisions/intention. You are never not making a decision. My decision to say nothing or do nothing is still an inner decision, compared to saying or doing X thing. _ _ _ __ _ _ Further edit: In the off chance I ever decide to end it all, know this. I didn't give rat's ass about spiritual this or spiritual that, weird belief this or weird belief that. I did it because I was tired, frustrated, and saw no reason to live I'm seriously trying to think, contemplate about this and reason it out, whether I should kill myself, but all I get from Google are helplines and empty platitudes. It doesn't help that I get a 403 error whenever I try to access that website which had people contemplating this topic honestly alongside methods. I don't know a contextualisation which makes any of this okay, no abstraction or myth or narrative could make the meaningless any better. My passions and joys are gone, and I find no ability to express myself. Two years ago, I was this close to ordering that substance. Nitrous something something, I can't remember the name. Why didn't I click order? Would it not have been better for me? At least that way my family would have a more convenient time to process my death. Now is a rather inconvenient time, and it would be a very asshole move. If I ever do go through with this, I have to leave some good notes or words at the very least, with whatever apology. I met a couple of more people in the last two years, and the ripple of my selfishness would unfortunately spread further. I'll do anything to escape this hell, that's the only conviction I can feel right now. Failing and failing, over and over again. I'm not even that energetic in this consideration of suicide inherently, but when I find myself slipping into my haze of sleepiness and dullness right now, I will myself to think and jolt awake. I refuse to just let the clock run out and have the same patterns repeat again and again. _ _ _ _ The people of my religion and others like david r hawkins said that the date of your death is pre-determined; but if I do a suicide attempt, and then if that is successful, I'd have proved them wrong. But if I fail, well then, I can only laugh, and the joke's on my ass. _ _ _ But the question still stands, how am I to reasonably contemplate and consider this decision? Google results of helplines and whatever other generic garbage, that's hardly a dialogue or consideration. I land at this point again and again, "should I kill myself?". I land at the reality and meaningless of my situation again and again. The same problems again and again. What is happiness and how is it formed for people? Loving companions and friends? Maybe a passionate life purpose? Or is it just the correct balance of neurotransmitters for a state of consciousness? Someone could want to drug me up with whatever SSRI'S, but I refuse that track. It solves nothing. You can gas me up with chemicals of bliss and euphoria and I'd still be miserable, for my depression and angst has psychological and spiritual roots. There's no rush, not right now anyway. I can always grab the rope a year later or at the end of this year. I feel better after typing this all out, and I need to give this all more time to swirl around in my consciousness and see what happens. I remember coming across a 22 year old fellow online who told me, that if he hadn't finished university, spent a year in the army and then got a job by the time he was 27, he'd kill himself. He said it so nonchalantly and casually. If he hadn't got his life together by 27 "(job, house, gf)", he'd grab the rope I found that very bizzare and couldn't understand. How could someone conditionally plan for their suicide in the far future?! That's far too abstract. If you're suicidal, you feel the emergency emotion to do it right away don't you?!! But now I understand that man a little more, and I finally understand what he meant. Very funny, and I now feel more connection to that random man then anyone in the world. But that's still too abstract and cerebral to me, for I prefer a blaze of glory and an emotional high before things end. All I'd need to do is play the right musical tracks before my send off.

> It's the belief in dominance hierarchies is what makes them true to begin with. It's both real and unreal. Lose your sanity in that projection, and you can find a sea of memes to give form to it, "Chad", "alpha", "beta", "omega", "Sigma". Putting everything I said there in quote marks since it's mechanical

In the wilderness of experience when the words fail. Shebe

@Adam101 yeah cool question. Even if psychedelics are amazing and you should do them, perhaps tripping alone shouldn't be the extent of your consciousness work. Whether the other stuff you do is contemplation, meditation, inquiry, deep philosophy, etc. Only reason I say this is because I know of people who've done psychedelics with zero spiritual intention and got zero spiritual insight. So the intention you go into these things with can make a world of difference perhaps. I've only done meditation. I know that for me for example, I've had some spiritual insight and mystical experience from meditation, whilst for other people they saw meditation as just some thing to relax a bit and never had such things. So the intention with which you do anything can make leaps of difference, imo

These are some good recommendations from all of you, I haven't seen most of these. When I get the time I might get around to 1 or 2 of these, but I need to finish Monster first.

This show was just an entire vibe, very spiritual

a-anime can't be Turquoise!!!! REEEEE. Anime is great as an art, may as well just ask what the most deep or spiritual anime are. Turquoise to me just means everything yellow can't capture. In other words, I see this as you asking me what I found to be most deeply intuitive/artistic. There's direct non-duality philosophy in Evangelion + End Of Evangelion film [ TV series + EoE Film = Canon. Every other film is either a recap of series, or a rebooted alternate timeline]. Durarara is stage yellow, chaos and order. Butterfly effect, things diverging and interlocking, etc. Serial Experiments Lain had deep themes regarding questions of "What am I?", identity, collective consciousness, fusion of perception and reality, etc. Monogatari gave me very Jungian vibes. Not turquoise. But a very hyper intuitive show.

My suicide is inevitable, I've been thinking. Was thinking, am thinking, will thinking, whatever. Who knows what will happen. Perhaps I can keep my eyes open and be with the grief, madness and low. Aaaahhhhh. Bah Humbug. Blah. I can do this

@Javfly33 Well, so you want silence from the mind. Various meditative gurus and ideologies talk in the language of "withdrawing" from the world. That isn't for me, my interpretation and implementation of that isn't for me. I can't just keep things internally, I've been doing that my entire life. Therefore what's spiritual work to me is the opposite for someone else, and vice versa. Prayer and surrender and meditation are key and vital yes, but life itself often presents obstacles. I guess it depends on your life situation and health. I understand you want silence from the mind, but maybe consider that carefully and ask what your intention is with all this. I get these weird, obsessive, OCD thoughts sometimes. Self consciousness, anxiety, negative fantasies of shame and banishment, etc. I want to overcome these things, but just looking for a shortcut "Silence the mind" is an escapist fantasy for me. Do I still take a spiritual approach to these things? Yes. But there isn't a single carved narrative or teaching path for me. I can follow whatever happens to help.

Depends what kind of martyr you are I guess haha. Also, it sounds strange to consider but, I think there are many people who would find it easier to sacrifice their life to save someone than they would find it easy to do public speaking or some other social fear. So facing fears and the such, anyone can do without killing themselves. But yeah I admire martyrdom stories as well.

Some narratives, images and words I've been carrying due to speech I've heard from David Hawkins, I feel that my thinking about it was negated. Now I should note that I'm seeing images, but not enter the image of thinking about avoiding images. Iconoclastic thinking doesn't feel right, it's a repetition. The chorus of this banger's playing in my head And the rain will kill us all Throw ourselves against the wall But no one else can see The preservation of the martyr in me

Your analogy and interpretation is misleading to me since you're implying theres a known physical mechanism/interaction by which the light collapses. Its misleading since you're still giving the intuition of determinism, as if it's not observation as an abstracted quality itself causing collapse, but it's that we're physically messing with it in some way. A very good demonstration of not physically messing with it is the Delayed Choice Quantum Eraser Experiment. [And stacked on top of that is some backwards in time shenanigans] Even if you are right, it's unknown and unproven, and you're giving one interpretation [maybe this lol https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_Broglie–Bohm_theory]

@WaveInTheOcean Your wish is my command, nigguh

They can feel love? I guess I wouldn't know lol https://www.quora.com/Can-psychopaths-feel-love/answer/Athena-Walker?ch=10&share=e5fd6ff9&srid=uw0xx

I lied earlier, jed mckennas advice on truth is great. What I'm finding from asking that question is that I have no clue how to find out what's true, and I have almost no reason to believe my mind can know. Where the fuck can I go from here, its very odd. True is just another word. All I have are these words and these thoughts, like what the fuck can I do. What are the machinations of my mind if my mind is saying that the mind is false, like what. "Everything I say is false", contradiction. And I mean even calling it false seems unknowable, what does unknowable mean is unknowable, so what does any of this mean anymore? Wtf even are words man. Why do there appear to be so many of them, and why does there seem to be an infinite freedom in the type of abstraction you can choose? How can so many abstract properties be defined and objects be labelled. I've said too much in that last sentence. -- "True". In math, and philosophy I imagine, that's a property assigned to "statements"...another way of saying "That is so". So versus not so.... Yeah I'm gonna need some time for all this. The more I do this, maybe the more I'll lose immersion and see through the mind. Its literally impossible to say or be able tell, since me trying to say or tell would be to do what I'm trying to see differently.

I've found it best to not take him too seriously as the only authority. He's great and I love him, but he's also a bit of a fuckboi let's be honest Obviously his core point stands. He also reccomends "spiritual autolysis". This is a cool journalling inquiry, but I found it a dead end after a point. I just end up trying to define truth, get lost in thought whilst having the thought "how can I know anything I think is true?", and just going around in circles like these. -- Why is Jed like this? God knows, the dude hides behind anonymity and wrote this piece of fiction. [Shout out to Peder Sweeney] If you're looking for an explanation, then maybe just say that the picture Jed paints of awakening is meant to alert you to how serious/real this gets. He describes to you how the Dark Night Of The Soul has to be faced

I know a girl who did psychedelics with a male psychopath. Apparently he got some emotional trips and could feel more love and empathy, crying about his dog who died or something. Dont know how much it carried into his sober state though. Change is hard for anyone