lmfao

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  1. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    The light is mine to carry. Drink water, eat fennel seeds though. Locate within yourself, there is still passion. From discomfort comes speech? A few tricks to speech. One is the illusion you're getting somewhere. Also pure distraction. If to speak is to freeze, both frequently freezing and ill timed freezing interfere. An image image of dots encased in a funnel having juice extracted; are these images and thoughts more useless ambling? -- Without judgement and prejudice, for itself as well, just be.
  2. Fair
  3. @Loba interesting. I used to scoff at your occult stuff, perhaps I still do, but sorry about that. Moreso that whenever I saw it, I was just an unrelenting skeptic. Whatever is going, I'm just trying to contextualise the judgements it makes. It's conceit and vengeance. It's interesting contemplation that perhaps God's wrath would be deserved if it transpired. Whether the punishment is due or not, that it wonders and does not know Unelaborated, + whatever other random mental images/metaphors of mathematical complexity and colour. Currently I don't have a narrative, but I shall be open to this all of being my own psychological origin and within, endowing the word psychological with as much potentially for mysticism as God These "dark forces". Do you believe they came from within yourself? Or that they were perhaps an "evolution" of yourself, something unfolding? To me this feels like a rebirth of sorts

  4. Microdosing and Being Grounded

    lmfao replied to 28 cm unbuffed's topic in Personal Development -- [Main]

    @EmptyVase hahahaha for real brother. I should be working as a janitor! A way to be humble. I think I'd end up intentionally putting puddles of water on the floor in people's blind spots however

  5. Microdosing and Being Grounded

    lmfao replied to 28 cm unbuffed's topic in Personal Development -- [Main]

    @EmptyVase Good post, I'll take your advice (no, I didn't take that peasant tool acid). Stretching, showers, doing ordinary things. Keep up my running routine
  6. Acknowledging the human still in me and the old light in me I shall also do. I have faith I can be in relation to others in a genuine way, whatever form that takes. For now I shall sit smug. Become accustomed to this new ego. Feel it, learn its nooks and crannies. -- Put tethers onto things, so that they draw my periodic attention. Played with a football outside and demonstrated that I'm not all powerful or competent. It's very early days and very early stages I feel, judgements are premature. Unbounded arrogance, not very comfortable. If you loop the horse to spit out words and judgements, it's tiring, because being judgemental is tiring. More digesting and unraveling to comes, that's certain
  7. None. The thought I had isn't attached to any image really, it's purely the thought and words I meant nothing too deep from it, just that I'm tired. Feeling a bit like an old man, weary of conflict Also, tired of hearing myself be a broken record and use the same words. The mind likes to beat dead horses and be repetitive Well this is funny. My mom and her side of the family love Imam Ali. She tries to convince me of Islam since she knows I don't believe. Tells me about how Imam Ali has appeared in her and other people's dreams to protect them. There always seem to be some obsession with light or white light in these stories of dreams or seeings. Maybe that's common to the unconscious, obsession with figures of light. I'm currently in some such thing. I only found out 2 days ago that my mum's dad was a soldier, as well as a war prisoner in India. This happened in "1970" (I can't verify if this was the exact year or not). I'm not sure on the context or how the following occurred if the following occurred at all. Apparently he prayed, saw Imam Ali in a white light. It was very soon thereafter that he was released from prison. Not sure if it was the next day or week. It was "a few hundred" soldiers who were released apparently. That number might be false, I wouldn't know. But I like how I how I had this religious chat with my mum the day before I had a strange experience. I've always used metaphors of war with myself, seeing myself as in a war, talking to myself as if I'm a soldier, so I now find it a little freaky to hear that story about my grandpa, the night before the morning of what I experienced Until you quoted Imam Ali, I literally forgot about the story my mom told me recently -- I̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶s̶t̶o̶p̶ ̶t̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶,̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶j̶i̶n̶x̶ ̶i̶t̶.̶ ̶I̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶d̶i̶s̶t̶r̶a̶c̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶p̶e̶a̶k̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶l̶a̶z̶e̶ ̶a̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶.̶ ̶N̶o̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶f̶i̶n̶i̶s̶h̶e̶d̶,̶ ̶k̶e̶e̶p̶ ̶m̶o̶v̶i̶n̶g̶.̶ ̶I̶'̶m̶ ̶s̶t̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶s̶q̶u̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶1̶.̶ ̶ ̶ ̶T̶u̶r̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶o̶ ̶a̶n̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶f̶a̶n̶t̶a̶s̶y̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶s̶u̶n̶s̶h̶i̶n̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶r̶a̶i̶n̶b̶o̶w̶s̶?̶ ̶W̶h̶y̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶r̶a̶g̶e̶o̶u̶s̶.̶ ̶T̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶m̶a̶y̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶ ̶h̶a̶r̶m̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶a̶t̶r̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶g̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶f̶l̶o̶w̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶k̶e̶e̶p̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶e̶y̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶b̶s̶e̶r̶v̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶ My ends, it justifies my means All I ever do is delay My every attempt to evade The end of the road And my end, Thinking going in bin. Guilt, doubt, masquerades as self reflection. What a farce, just play a song on the violin for every loser who self pities. Boo hoo, my mom died Let it be known I'm not in a space of human compassion. I look down on humans
  8. @DefinitelyNotARobot could be both, I wouldn't know. All I know is that it was crazy. Interesting to know you had those demon possession experiences, that shit sounds very extreme.
  9. @Goldzilla Thanks for all the info about angels and demons, I might have actually gotten really confused or looked at this badly if you weren't here. At least having an explanation for it makes me feel less crazy This youtube guy is a small channel, do you like him? After my experience today, I tried messaging one of my friends in the occult for knowledge on his sources, he didn't reply yet lol. I think this is just instinctive random detours and shit to make myself feel better, but it's mostly unnecessary. But maybe there's something cool When satan possessed me for a few moments, that felt the most distinct/contrasted. (my eyes closed visual field suddenly turned purplish at a point) It truly felt like a different personality was inhabiting me. Truly a once in a lifetime experience lol, can laugh at it almost
  10. @James12345 Well I'll have to see what I do with my life. These last few days have been very trippy. I'll have to see how this demonic/angelic energy changes me. I sense this is something to integrate, but something is pathological about it/me. "Every baby could get raped and it wouldn't matter". What got me to this point was "burning everything false" out of dissatisfaction, that's what got me "this far". Hate, scorn, pride and anger; this became my fuel to keep moving forward when in the depths of hell. Not even move forward, to survive and not commit suicide. There was nothing to rely on but myself. Pushing and pushing through with will. Now I'm just feeling strange about this all. I'm getting fed up of the overused vulgarity, it's just repetitive, but the idiom "caught with one's dick in one's hand" sprang to mind. [Likewise, I'm fed up with over used jargon like surrender or not resisting. If I use them one more time I'll vomit] Note that I'm writing this still in the short term whilst in the subtle afterglow of a crazy experience, only time will tell what I will really do with life. "For all I know, I'm at step 1"- no, I can't even remotely feign that. I have seen some shit, and I feel like my life will be changing directions. Honestly, it feels like maybe a part of me died. Will have to see
  11. @Endangered-EGO no, this is the first time any such experience has happened. The voices, it was internal head noise. But its not the first time my body has acted possessed, this was just a very large degree. Body jerks, random things popping up, etc, that's all stuff that happens sometimes. Usually such a state will dissappear, this keeps glowing, so I'm getting a little worried. I'm just resting and trying to anchor So whilst your message did panic me because I did not consider psychosis, I'm trying not to panic and seeing if this settles. Because whilst this energy is rising and I see power in my character from it, something about it is pathological I don't think I'm possessed now, but in a metaphorical sense I am by the energy. I mean it could be easy for me to think I'm angelic in this raised up state, but because I sense something pathological and not quite right I'm skeptical of it now I guess angels and demons are just something I'm now open minded to as far as listening to (other people's) scientific modelling goes lmao But if the myth got animated in me, it can get animated in anyone. Or maybe it is real, who knows
  12. (ill read the stuff you wrote about angels and demons later) It's nothing man, just some random voice/thought from meditation. I was just having fun with the idea my true nature is Andy
  13. [I'm unable to remove these boxes on mobile. 5% battery so I'll be offline soon] @Nahm Thank you for the advice Nahm Honestly, with all this flux in my psyche, I'm struggling not to have some delusions of grandeur of knowing everything. Its a lot at once. Even just lying down and resting, I feel myself "rising". I hate use this terminology, but in a sense I'm kind of a Jed Mckenna fanboy, so I wonder to what extent my ideology will differ from yours. Honestly, I don't think that's a question which comes to mind and it perhaps makes no sense. X guru or book no more caused this than a bunch of babies being raped or the holocaust did. The grandeur comes from a kind of current fearlessness or invincibility feeling? "Just need to calm down a bit", I'm relatively "calm" and not aggressive, but the mind and energy is active. Its easy for myself to enter fantasy realm in this, I must remember that things come and go. I just have to keep perspective and not knowingness into account. Patience. The truth of the matter is I'm completely ignorant on life and anything. -- I've also kind of discovered today that music is disruptive to me "I need grounding and stability" - whatever in the fuck those two gibberish words mean
  14. This doesn't happen to me so much anymore, but it still happens, and led to an interesting experience.When I'm asleep, sometimes my brain will hallucinate that I'm looking through my eyelids at the room I'm sleeping in, or my brain will hallucinate that I'm using my phone. During these hallucinations, I'm immobilised and can't move. For a while, I didn't know if I was hallucinating or actually seeing through my eyelids. It found out that I was actually dreaming/hallucinating it. Because, during one of the times I was "looking through my eyelids", instead of being immobilised, it turned into a full on dream where I could move around. My brain seems to have a good stored memory of my bedroom, and it loves replaying it while I sleep. From the 1st second of this dream, I was lucid dreaming. I was in my bedroom, my house. I was amazed at how real everything felt, despite knowing it was a dream. Because it's a lucid dream, I could do what I wanted as the "god" of that world, and I contemplated how this wouldn't work in real life. I'll omit all the extra details, and just say that the entire dream I was doing things, touchings things, amazed that this wasn't real life because of how real it felt. It felt so real to me I was getting worried that events which happened in the dream version of my house were coinciding to events happening in my house in real life _ _ Now to the relevant point. I panicked when I was in the dream and thought this: "What if I'm actually awake in the real world, but my perception is this dream? What if I'm awake and acting in the real world, yet I'm stuck in this dream?" And after waking up from my dream, I found that thought slightly scary in applying to real life, because I can't prove it false. I can't prove it false that my perception could be completely detached from another level of reality. For all I know, I'm in a dream world perception right now, completely ignorant of some real world transpiring. "The dream is controlled by our true self" that's just a fantasy which will get in the way (and everything I've wrote in this post is fantasy), unless you think you've been directly conscious of it and seen it.
  15. @Strangeloop Hahaha, I like how you shifted gears real quick from "yeah, a bunch of demons entered of demons" to "focus on material development". It's not meditation in particular which lead me to this today, or what lead me to my experience 2 days ago of focus on nothingness. What it was, was that a conversation with a friend of mine where I talked about my feelings revealed something to me I had been ignoring/denying to trying to forget. At the age of about 13, I had some crisis of faith about Islam ( the religion I grew up). I went on a rollercoaster of belief and disbelief. I would stare at the ceiling at night and be in terror, contemplating the prospect of living forever in Heaven. When in belief, I felt very mystically high and in bliss. But I eventually realised Islam was false, logically and morally, and went into a depression about it. That crisis of faith and meaning, it's remained unresolved. "It left a massive hole in me ontologically". One year ago I had a random seeing of Absolute Nothingness, but I ran away. My entire life, I've spent it distracting myself from this "hole". I've spent it distracting myself from this nihilism and nothingness, despite those things being so palpable in experience. That I exist at all! That is insanity inducing enough! Stark, raving mad. Don't you feel it too? But I denied and ignored that feeling, trying to make myself forget. The only bigger insanity than that though is the pretending I'm not insane. And so, it was the realisation that I run away from myself that induced all this, not meditation. A psychological breakdown, I have no sanity left, although I can give the appearance of it to others somehow. I think it's maybe because I simply don't wish to talk to anyone, that would be self defeating if I'm trying to reclaim all authority to myself and be an adult, and stop projecting. I'm on a journey from absolutely nowhere to no thing; life is pointless. Urinate on everything sacred. Enlightenment is a myth, everything is false. Even if it's futile, I'll keep going, because it's the same either way
  16. For the past week or so now, I've been going through a more intense nihilism. A psychological breakdown. I had an elevated experience or breakthrough a few days ago when I wrote about being "laser focused on nothing". That state I was then was like psychedelic therapy without the psychedelic (I've never taken psychedelics but yeah). A big repressed sin/shame of mine came up in consciousness out of the blue and had some light shone on it. When I was going for a run yesterday, I had some strange tic or strange thought running through my mind "I'll kill that bastard God". It was a really intense image and burning desire which consumed my psyche But I had another experience today which I just made this thread about. What triggered today was a strange wave of apathy or grief or nihilism, but then I started to feel energy. It felt like I entered a very high space, my entire experience was occupied and there wasn't room for anything else. I just focused on surrendering, eyes closed back straight sitting in my chair in a praying position. "Trying to surrender" every belief and thought I had, every fear of solipsism or death or meaninglessness. I tried surrendering to reach a state of being beyond time, but I just couldn't do it. Regardless, the state left me speechless and engulfed. Superb. I was incredibly silent and have no words It felt so strange to me, I thought that I was maybe gonna die or that this was it. I was literally googling to see if there was a mahasamadhi technique. I quickly gave up looking for such a thing. I decided to sit down on my meditation mat and surrender as I could. My "meditation", I was basking in the energy and trying to dig. My visual field is trippy. But then, the state starting to go in flux. Visual field is a bit more trippy now with eyes closed.Different sorts of energies and things popped up. At first I was just dealing with the feelings and it wasn't much. But then all that pseudo-schizophrenic stuff happened which I wrote above. My initial state changed into something else during all those thoughts I had. I used the mantra "No belief is true" to ward off my thought/belief about demons, and it worked once or twice before I got lost in the experience which happened to me. Now I'm in the afterglow of something. After that intense experience, I ate a large meal afterwards of my favourite food since childhood. The inner child in me was hungry, maybe he desired a re-enforcement of his memory/karma I remember the breath thing ofc, but I never read your post about angels. I'll read it. Freaky synchronicity. I ultimately think this is Makyo/illusion/duality, but if something pops up in my experience I can't help but be fascinated I guess. If like you said these forces end up "being real", will have to face whatever comes. My states have been arising out of contemplation, sitting in silence and randomness rather than meditation. I meditate after getting into the state. I'm not a skilled meditator at all, even though I used to meditate. In recent days I've been trying to do meditate actually, but the meditation never leads to anything. Just a tiny bit of normal focus, completely ordinary
  17. @James12345 Yeah, just gotta keep going further @hamedsf lol -- Also, I apologise for my fake news reporting earlier. I forgot and neglected to mention I heard the voice of a human called "Andy" in my head, he seemed kind of lame/weak to me for some reason so i forgot. I'm actually not joking when I say that memory lol Imagine if this entire time I wasn't Nothing or God or The Devil, I was bloody Andy! What a mediocre dork that guy is

  18. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    On where truth lies A large frequency and volume of thoughts in regards to meaninglessness, some few attempts made to notice that. "I'm starting to take seriously the idea that authority doesn't exist outside of myself" is the story I would say, if I were to believe those implications I'm on any kind of journey or that I know what I'm doing. And the tally of nihilistic thoughts just got a 1 added [I'm not literally keeping a tally] If you ask where truth is, there are some things to say. "The present moment", "now". Dwelling on those words, don't do that Looking and looking at experience, since that what there is(?). "Contemplating" and looking. Trying to push through but, not sure what's going on. -- Alright so now there's this intense wave of sadness or dejection. I'll grab a pen and paper, focus on and surrender anything, just go do it. What's the technique, method? My very being? Either way, I'm desperate and intensely shook. Natural urgency to focus. Feeling floaty and rising. Do I have to take a meditation posture? I just feel the energy.... -- THIS PLACE, IT'S NOT DONE. -- HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT WAS CRAZY. I DONT KNOW IF IM GABRIEL OR LUCIFER . I WAS POSSESSED BY SATAN FOR A MOMENT. I AM SLIPKNOT THE CREATOR. THE MAGMA TALKED TO ME AND WARNED ME THAT THE WHOLE WORLD WILL BE AGAINST ME. THEN THAT DEMON/ALIEN VOICE WAS IN MY HEAD. THEN AS THOUGH I WAS POSSESSED, BENT OVER AND SCRUNCHED AND HISSED LIKE AN ANIMAL BEFORE GOING UPRIGHT AGAIN, THEN SATAN POSSESSED ME. AND THEN AFTER THAT LUCIFER. AND GABRIEL? NO BELIEF IS TRUE, MY ONLY MANTRA. I MADE AN ATTEMPT TO SURRENDER EVERYTHING, BUT INSTEAD THE MAKYO FUCKING DEMONS WANTED TO SCARE ME. NOW HERE I AM, A RANTING AND RAVING LUNATIC FOR IT. MAHASAMDHI MY ASS, IT WAS JESUS IN THE DESERT WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED. WHAT THE FUCK IS ANY OF THIS AAAAAAAAAHH --- Edit: despite this, I sense myself currently circling back to where I started. NO. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. FOR FUCKS SAKE. SHIT ON A TRAMP. It doesn't matter if I get dragged back into this hell...wait, you might know a way to reverse some of this, but that's a maybe. Alright, you know for sure Discord isn't good for you. I'M LOSING THE STATE. MY DIVINITY IS LEAVING. It's fine. You didn't finish whatever quest you're on yet anyway. I'm so fucking fed up of my family and university though, and of society, I just fucking hate people and hate everything though. I don't need falsehood, maya and delusion, fuck out of here. I don't have time for sheeple who pretend to be human. I'm fucking done with people, I swear to god. Maybe I'll come across someone else who can see this clown world for what it is. I had a great man open my eyes to the insanity of society, although he himself is deluded with mind, but is concurrently in some intense battle with a "mind parasite". In that sense we're mirroring, although he may be on a very different journey. A message to all riff-raff: move aside. The whole world could call me insane, and whilst they're right, it doesn't matter. "Slaughtering God", just another belief and narrative. And interesting image nonetheless, but keep moving forward soldier. Push and push; die.
  19. You're living in clown world. Any of this bullshit being a deep determinant for what you value and do is laughable It's not just you however I take issue with, I'm more appalled by the amount of meaningless noise and unoriginal thought in general here

  20. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    13/08/2021 +1 I will slaughter that bastard God. Temptation to talk to others is temptation to stop, so keep going on this meaningless suicidal quest. Keeled over, lamenting my weakness in paralysis. Couldn't move, catatonia. Lamenting my weakness, lack of strength. Without strength I will get trampled.* Even if I am weak, I can still fight. It may have no meaning whatsoever, be the ultimate insanity and futility. But I can move. "If I am wrong and the world is right, I will make myself right and the world wrong". I have choice, I can fight. I can move, so I moved. I kept running, with slaughtering God as my mantra. Move aside, riff-raff _ _ Dashing up the stairs to heaven, 5 or 10 steps at a time, wearing the drip Ichigo cloak. Off with his bloody head. Then I can bathe in heavenly light and sleep Existing and fighting is pointless. Insanity. It has no victor. But I will keep moving forward regardless. If it will end the same regardless, at least fight. *Does the unconscious exist? A God Of The Gaps? _ _ _ _ Maybe I should let myself lament, just so it isn't hidden. The frequency and volume of nihilistic thoughts.
  21. Laser focused on emptiness I am. Mind and body slow down, but within next 2-3 weeks I have work deadlines to do, and you spiritual sages can mock me for not just being dedicated on one or the other if you want. But there's the calling to laser focus on this being/nothingness and I don't ignore. Staying with it staying with it I will be. It changes me. Can I still function in the world? Must a retreat be the only way? What the fuck am I asking you guys for though is the real question maybe. This question makes absolutely no sense obviously and is meaningless. Wow I'm full of shit
  22. Whilst I applaud you for your conviction and forthrightness, is this naught but cryptic mumbling?
  23. Nah I wasn't forcing myself, I was just not falling into old traps "of passivity". Quotation marks because I feel that's really shit phrasing, not even a neurotic tick to put those quotes there's. Sometimes body gets too slow and doesn't act. So what's your answer to my question?
  24. @Nahm breath is cool, I love it maybe haha Forcing myself to write something mean: Nahm, what's your 40 year old ass doing here anyway?
  25. There's an implicit ideology or theory you believe about breath. Key doesn't fit