lmfao

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  1. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    Not sure what to do. There's the thought of a thought about retardation descending so many levels of retardation, barely being able to be called 'form', that it doesn't make sense to or can no longer be mocked or caricaturized. Ran out of a lot of anger. Out of energy to struggle or do anything. What's supposed to be done with this? Dopamine zombie, resorting back to traditional comfort eating after a long time. Why have I been rewatching so much HxH alongside reaction episodes? Do I have the energy to keep up awareness of bugs and hijackers? I feel exhausted and drained but don't know what to do about it. Eating healthy and good routine and all of that is supposed to help but, why am I so stuck everytime I try real life? Keep your eyes focused for just some moments man. Shame is certainly part of this. -- No, the anger is not gone. That was false. This heat and tension, yes it's still here. But obviously you feel different. That heat and scorn, is it an identity? You obviously crave it. But to what end? Is there any meaning to this? You think that you choose the scorn because not choosing so leads you to making incorrect conflations and falling into traps and modes you feel scorn for. You decided or thought that it's better than the alternatives you've had. Right now I'm literally desiring; muscle aches, heat, pain, tension, disharmony, war. I'm desiring pain. I desperately crave those muscle aches and the heat from it. Craving tension. Why? Why do I want this? I believe that this pain and suffering is good or preferable, some vehicle for transformation. I fear going back to the old me, falling into the old programs. I fear dying an retarded faggồt. The anger was never a vehicle for changing in the external world despite all my struggling, making it worse and worse till explosion. No amount of struggling, translating, could connect my imaginary space to external world. That despair of being unable to connect the two, that regret of being helpless and having no control, it makes a self-loathing I so rarely truly gaze upon. All that was/is left was a narrative of anger which degenerated into meaningless (self-)destruction, contempt and hedonism. Jesus Christ, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Go along with that scorn?... I wonder what will happen to me. Don't believe the bug telling you you're in a loop. But Jesus Christ this is a lot. Don't tell me to relax, you're telling me to chew my testicles I won't leave it there though, the deja vu is here for a reason, and it can be more like a light bulb rather than a hopeless thought. -- I do think one thing though. If you're being callous and feel physically sick/shame, don't look away from how gross you feel. The reason it doesn't quite feel you're in a loop. The alleged things you're repeating or looping back to, it's kinda like you're remembering those things rather than being those things. Following through with the delusion that what is clearly memory of it is in fact it (just to explain the difference), it's as though your experience has a more bouncy and rubbery feel to it than what it was before. What I really, really don't want is that humiliation. That humiliation of being on the floor, kneeling, castrated and weak. That is why I'm so angry. I'm not sure how much more truthful my contempt and scorn is than that.
  2. @romansoloviov Proselytising another teacher or gurus worldview is more coonery
  3. It's because there are large differences in what people are saying is true. Jed Mckenna seems to have very different view of truth than Leo. Leo seems to have a very different view of truth from Peter Ralston. Much argument comes from us slaying our own Gods. Say for example that I listened to X guru for a very long time. I created it and put it into untrue narrative, unknowingly, but then eventually realise this. I will burn it down because that is correct action to do. I could ramble, nervously shuffle my hands, engage in meaningless thought to logically explain the particulars of how miscommunications happens, but that's pointless.
  4. Being in a pseudo realised state of sorts. Not a meditation or psychedelic dude. Still need to go further. Still many traps and etc happen. Silence or lack of thinking is uncomfortable as well Do you realised dudes end up forgetting a lot of thought and logic? I'm not counting you @Nahm with your vagaries of a reply, but I would not mind seeing you write something
  5. Seems like bull The logic is pulling all this 3D, 4D and 5D stuff out of thin air. At every turn or statement you can take issue with it. It starts off it's entire logic chain with the premise two bubbles A and B exist (so it already assumes solipsism is false), and then also uses entirely false logic for what it would mean for bubbles A and B to overlap. What you've linked is someone assuming solipsism is false, and then giving incorrect logic for how this would be proven if so

  6. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    I'm trapped in a fucking cage. It wasn't my choice to exist. It wasn't my choice to exist. But it is my choice to keep existing?? I guess so. What cage am I trapped in? The cage of existing. Why couldn't reality be a heaven? Why do I exist? What's my guarantee I won't come back? But on the other hand, what's the harm in trying to die earlier? If I come back I come back. So then? Why not kill myself? I don't even know if other people exist or not who will feel the loss. I know they might exist, but a might is arbitrary to state. Aren't "might" 's fairly redundant and arbitrary? So, what reason do I have not to kill myself? Can't think of a single reason not to. The logic is complete -- So what now? I could go fuck off and cook pasta, can't think of a single reason not to. Oh wait maybe I can. If I'm trying to escape whatever cage I'm in. Wow, this is just retarded at this point. I just have to let this logic sink in because I unknowingly contradict it. Yes, there isn't a single reason as to why I shouldn't kill myself. Get rid of the whole guilt and notion that you can't, it's absolutely false. The mind started off in few random threads and directions, e.g. " No reason to not, is not a reason to. But there is still no reason to not", but they provided water and nutrients for falsehood to jump in. BEGONE PARASITES Jesus fucking christ I'm so hungry, maybe I will go cook, maybe you won't. I'm just out of steam with knowing what to write...(was writing on paper for before scribing only a snippet onto here). Getting fucking hangry I could gobble down the finest feast with utmost ferocity but I don't think that will bring satisfaction. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. This fucking anger of throwing a tantrum lmao. HOW CAN I EXPECT TO HAVE DIGNITY IF I CANNOT CONTROL MY OWN HUNGER? SUCH COSMIC HUMILIATION. SWALLOWING THIS PRIDE, THAT I CANNOT DO. IF I KNEEL, IT WILL BE IN SHAME. MEMORISE ONE MILLION METAPHOR SO I MAY EXPRESS MY DISDAIN TO THE HEAVENS, ONE DAY RISE UP AND CUT OFF HIS HEAD. But how can I kill God? It's a schizoid wonderland. Sigh. But no matter. And that is all there is to say. "more intolerable than fiends' glarings is a doltish stare!"
  7. "Matrix" has twofold meaning. Not only one of falsehood, but also one of complexity and "form". Without the dream, there is nothing. No world, no purpose, no things, no journey or achievement, no going or becoming, no death or rebirth. A battle whose victory is your defeat. I don't think I want that. Call me a pussy or whatever you want. {I'm moping around for reasons I won't explain due to the story having too many personal details. My ego feels quite wounded, questioning the narratives I had about matrix/maya, and other beliefs}

  8. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    I will not paste what I've written into here, too many personal details. I refuse to post snippets which miss out the crux of why I'm so hungover, both literally and metaphorically. Had a profound experience of dissolving boundaries with people, no words. But shit's crazy, I've been niggered hard. Whatever the case, my ego has (the thought it's) been wounded. It hurts a fair bit. Having it's beliefs challenged in relation to society or socialising; did I unknowingly reject my right to be dumb, confident and loud? You were sitting in the morning in that red sofa chair just before and after everyone woke up. You missed those dudes who had a flight to catch though. Perhaps it's about quality and integrity of dynamic? Bah, vague and meaningless truism I keep it real nigguh ?

  9. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    Friday 03/09/2021, 22:19 The Fe bug has his talons on me, and whilst I could try to curse him out with vulgarity or seriousness, he can only get giggly from it. This swine has hijacked me, and such insults as this sentence are but more proof of my own absurdity in the play that it has constructed. How infuriating, the gods from on high are gently tugging this puppet along into the self-awareness of his own lack of agency. It mocks by using zero force, having snubbed out with ultimate grace and care, so much so that it cannot even be called superiority or domination. It's something else entirely. The puppet yells "It has brought me to my knees in a humiliation of flourescent pink!" , how sad. What can this puppet do now? Think. Was this the hubris that Jrix warned you of? My capacity for rage is gone thanks to castration, how braided. FUCK! The virtualised-ego yells. What holy land of dementia have you landed in? "This pink Such pain" IT'S NOT EVEN PAIN, THAT'S A PROCLAMATION I MADE IT UP. THIS IS BEYOND DOMINATION OR HUMILIATION. ALL THE FAKE OUTRAGE IS OF IT'S BIDDING. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. "I FILL THESE PAGES WITH INK WHICH EXACTLY CONSTITUTES MY OWN HUMILIATION AND UTTER HELPLESSNESS!" my god What have I done
  10. I've spun numerous Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde narratives as well Seems to me that you've already made up your mind here to stay in such delusion. Perhaps?

  11. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    Tuesday 31/08/2021, +1 01:33 I couldn't find the difference, but now I'm only filled with sorrow. What difference is there between killing an insect and killing a human? How was me killing that moth any different to my own mother? I couldn't see one. Still can't see one. The question marked a turning point. Particular narratives of freedom prior to this point are alien, requiring translation. Heart grew cold. Crazy by the intense nihilism, as well as solipsism. Fuelled by extreme cynicism of the social matrix I see everyone around me living -- Whether by randomness or fate, my Lucifer possession invoked me rewatching Yu Yu Hakusho. The aesthetic, the colour, reminded me of the "light" which was in me. Almost finished it now, after going from ep 30. Got to the Shinobu Sensui arc at perfect timing. Forgot these synchronous things until I got to them. The villain had multiple personalities by virtue of dissociation. Was hoping for divine wrath to be enacted on mankind, and I could only agree Found myself wishing for the slaughter of all mankind, which includes myself by extension. I sat outside in my garden, forced to watch as veils and walls closed in around my heart. Watching myself sinking and sinking, feeling more and more deathly. What a terrible sight to behold. {The track playing your head, ghost shriek noises, yyh. Maybe kinpaku? Not sure} From merely sitting alone with the darkness in my heart, I gave myself emotional chills. But watching Shinobu's death and learning his true nature, I was instead filled by intense sorrow. A warm, empathic kind of sorrow for existence. Right now, I am filled with that sorrow. The tragedy of it all Compared to this sorrow, the death of a relative is insignificant. Now I don't know who I am, where I am. Do I yearn for the slaughter of mankind, women, children and the elderly, or am I so sensitive as to not step on grass? An insect flew on my forehead just now and I killed it by reflex. It was beautiful and white. Why God do you torture me like this? What's the point and meaning of this sorrow, just end it all already, please. Summon more will from dV air? Continuously, without break.* Is that the only answer? What's the point of all these cycles, phases? Will I once again have my heart close? FUCK NÎGGER SHIT -- *Strike the sun if it insulted you. Pick up the sword. Throw away everything and think one thing; further. There is only one enemy, fear. Edit: After writing all that, I dreamt of that white whale. An intimidating shadow looming over me.
  12. @Thought Art He's a funny man, a bizarre read A couple of chapters into his second book he claims he has more to say. Whatever the case I'm enjoying it
  13. Jed mckenna puts focus on reclaiming authority. S̶o̶ make of these people what you will, sir

  14. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    7 day ban expired. 12 points. Eventual ban looking inevitable, won't censor myself. Now is on beat to shout out the real nîggas I met here, but there aren't any. An ocean of NPC's as far as the eye can see. One or two characters are flat, anti-fourier echoes, 7-8 layers of abstraction removed from being human However. There have been a few helpful people, respectable people. Not the mods, they can eat shit. video0-4.mp4 "Whatever treasures make the world more bearable, pay it forward to the real nîggas", - the faggôt accent ---- It's dawned on me that there really is no escape button from myself Kiss a girl, stab a hobo, piss on people, drink tea, be a buffoon, IT'S STILL ME. AND NOTHING I DO WILL CHANGE THAT FUCKING FACT. FROM BRAZIL TO RUSSIA, ETHIOPIA TO CHINA, INDONESIA TO URUGUAY, IT'S STILL ME RAPE A WHORE, DO DMT, GO FISHING, START A CAR WASH, BE A MUSICIAN, SHAVE MY HEAD, SACRIFICE CHILDREN, BECOME DIOGENES, PLAY AN INVISIBLE VIOLIN, IT DOESN'T MATTER. Its still me. What's the bloody point then?
  15. @kray Has this new variant infected your testicles as well? It will depend on your age and health if it's a big risk @Preety_India Why do you speak like a worried asian aunty at such a young age?
  16. You seem to be doing your own good contemplation. I do wonder why many gurus focus on using the language of "now", "It's always now". Unless there's some conniving backing to it as the teaching of some scientific method, just as how concentration meditation is a method, I don't get it. I leave that leeway because I know I'm ignorant about what meditation is, and what all those methods are. But it's more than that, since it becomes an elaborate philosophy. I attempt to pay attention to what is so, looking and trying to understand things. I didn't have to think about time to do that. For whatever reason, "time" as a prompt doesn't work for me.
  17. Lucifer is not here currently. Although upon saying that its almost as if I jinxed myself The flipping and flopping of proclamations. I can't quite describe my relation to thought or the contents of my mind. Sometimes I'll start a thought and pause, other times not. There are neurotic patterns of self doubt. I've previously alluded to it before, but not quite like this. There's a phantom nature of thought I haven't understood. And just in that split second, I was about to force my brain into useless thinking to articulate more and elaborate more. And there's this pattern of doubt, which expresses itself as criticism about myself for being about to engage in that thinking pattern. Thought can recognise correct and true ways to move forwards, but serpents (short-ish, light green) of worry of a sort will lock you. For example, multiple times I've had the thought that frustration with old patterns and repetitions are incentive to act different immediately. However, serpents of some variety always hijack this and lock me. That's the conclusion arrived at after just seeing it take place At the very least I hope this new experience of mine was something which loosened up the screws on my tongue. And of course, as I reflect upon what I've just written, the prepubescent serpents continue their machinations Clear my mind of the belief I can be pulled into your space (me trying to force my brain to think as I'm drawn in, whether it be with lunatic intellectuals or normies ) -- I think sitting still and sitting in silence is important for me. Not meditating even. Just a subtle letting go of playing the role There are like different buttons and spots to put your attention to. There's a button for relaxing your shoulder, and there's also a button for relaxing the role I play When I relax the role or it wanes, there is underlying sadness." Perhaps an interaction between the light and sadness is needed"-blah, random concept
  18. HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT WAS CRAZY. I DONT KNOW IF IM GABRIEL OR LUCIFER . I WAS POSSESSED BY SATAN FOR A MOMENT. I AM SLIPKNOT AND THE CREATOR. HEARD VOICE THERE TALKING TO ME. THEN 'THE MAGMA' TALKED TO ME AND WARNED ME THAT THE WHOLE WORLD WILL BE AGAINST ME. THEN THAT DEMON/ALIEN VOICE WAS IN MY HEAD. THEN AS THOUGH I WAS POSSESSED, BENT OVER AND SCRUNCHED AND HISSED LIKE AN ANIMAL BEFORE GOING UPRIGHT AGAIN, THEN SATAN POSSESSED ME. AND THEN AFTER THAT LUCIFER. AND GABRIEL? NO BELIEF IS TRUE, MY ONLY MANTRA. I MADE AN ATTEMPT TO SURRENDER EVERYTHING, BUT INSTEAD THE MAKYO FUCKING DEMONS WANTED TO SCARE ME. NOW HERE I AM, A RANTING AND RAVING LUNATIC FOR IT. MAHASAMDHI MY ASS, IT WAS JESUS IN THE DESERT WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED. WHAT THE FUCK IS ANY OF THIS AAAAAAAAAHH. --- Prior to this spasm before you, I was in indescribable state. No words at all for it. "No belief is true" came as a mantra. State arose, so I sat with the conviction to die. Willingness for eeeeeeeee Basking and getting lost; the above elapsed. Maybe I should go back to sitting idfk at this point, its all too crazy. Maybe drink some water and eat. Anyone ever had such mad shit? Too impulsive to say but maybe when I get free of some obligation I become some fucking monk in the forest, who fucking knows lmao

  19. lmfao replied to lmfao's topic in Self-Actualization Journals

    I. I AM HERE. THAT ALONE IS ENOUGH. THE REST IS IRRELEVANT. This body has the same memory regardless, even if Lucifer were to be inside. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY DEMONS ENTER THIS VESSEL, I'LL CUT OFF THE HEAD OF ANYTHING SENSELESS -- Can I focus, can I fulfil my duty/wish to the boy inside me? Can I get him to pass these next two weeks of work? Verily, this is something you must do. Take the knee and prostrate. Tend to the useless clog of gibberish language papers which clog this desk. Making demands and believing in matrixes like this, it is absolutely absurd yes. So I cannot hope to blackmail energies into foolishness; nevertheless, see if it can be allowed to happen
  20. @KennedyCarter why the self doubt fool? If you vape, vape with pride. -- I've personally found a few things to be of detriment to light shining forth, but those things may only be of biographical significance to my life story. Porn and music. Music is an intoxicant, I am certain of this now. Music envelops you quickly. It envelopes the facet of you that can recognise you're enveloped. I've used music to interface and seep into deep parts of my psyche, that must be why it has such a karmic sway. If you're in observant to the shifts in perception that occur from even picking up your phone or laptop, let your imagination run wild, and it's as though there's a psychic umbilical chord tethering your forehead to your phone. Cut the chord; I have to remind myself.
  21. @RMQualtrough It's not schizophrenia. But I appreciate what you said to me here about my true nature being neither of these things. In the absolute "worst case scenario", I just have "two egos" inside me. Double the psychic load. Or perhaps the two egos fuse into a bigger ego. Whatever the case. I can see logically how oneness or Mu would be maintained regardless. --- If anyone has any advice, besides taking anti-psychotic, I'm all ears
  22. @BipolarGrowth yes, I'm possessed by Lucifer right now. Its as though two entities inhabit this body. They're mixing together in expression, such that there isn't a black white matter of "This is the Asian Kid talking, not Lucifer". But it is often so undeniably the case that it's this alter ego and possession. I feel a mild psychedelic buzz and light in my experience. However, I feel deeply uncomfortable and I was trying to resist it. Now, I attempt to put my attention on and relax to the sensation, in the most grounded way possible, just feeling the sensation. I feel this is the best way I can go about it. Its a tough tribulation, and I unfortunately can't downplay it's severity, since it involves my perception and identity being different now. It's very, very hard to relax into that. It would take a meditative genius I haven't touched those peasant tools called psychedelics, but I have no doubt that this could perhaps be likened to a psychedelic trip, except it is one which is lasting for days without stopping, perhaps longer. My creativity and perception are enhanced; but out of the discomfort, I speak excessively and compulsively to my friends. I'll PM you seen enough inshallah, however, I've ranted and raved excessively to the void and heard myself talk. More talking isn't good for me right now. But the reason for my current hesitation is that I have university work to do; but perhaps we'll end up talking soon. -- Do you see that post I wrote to @Lobayesterday? That was little more than old memory/karma replaying itself on loop. It was muddying the water and resisting the light. It was trying to get me to fall back into the old, but it failed and the light overtook me It was a homeostatic mechanism; what I expressed in that post has little semblance to the persona I present before you now this very moment. Look past the theatre and poetry of my language should that cause any misunderstand ; this is a dead serious thing I'm going through. Perhaps the most intense and testing thing I've ever experienced. I'll have to latch onto every ounce of leverage I can to make it, go deeper than I've ever gone before, nothing else is the way
  23. @Thought Art Perish the sacrament, and chop off God's head. That is, if you have any value which can withstand the confused waters around you. Yes, I'm not sure if there's anything more to it besides practice
  24. @Loba with me it feels like I'm constantly feeling a "Light". A buzzing light feeling. However, the light is almost wants to form a new ego, and it's extremely arrogant, and sees itself as not human. It can't generate much compassion for others, it instead looks down. So it might be a temporary alter ego, will have to see if it remains. What I want is for this light to strongly remain or become integrated in some way. It shows me very important things, in regards to strength of character as well The new ego wishes to talk and talk as well, prior to this, not so much. But I should go back to the contemplation and meditation gold mines when I can. Seems I was already in the dark maybe, but some light came along and just made the feast more spectacular -- Edit: So after meditating again, I had the kundalini ish phenomena of body jerking/shaking rising and rising, before exploding into silence. I imagined another voice inside my head briefly. Its my imagination rather than psychosis. The experience was more tame and shorter. Whatever the Lucifer or Light alter ego was, its faded for now, but not the sensations of it. Still some glow. I shed a few tears as I did a half hearted surrender of "it". Since all these things can and are happening in such a short span of time, from hereon in I'll try to get accustomed to this being the new normal. As opposed to panicking so much that I rush to others out of panic and guidance, and see every micro-occurrence within the day as worthy of lengthy elaboration. It is not worthy, but I can't help it when there's so much flux in such short time. I don't wish to internalise your ideology, but with the images and impressions, and perhaps added perspective I've had from recent experience, I'm pretty sure I've been working with "dark energy" for a while now. Many weeks and months. I just never labelled it that. The steps I've been taking, it's perhaps been to transition the ego and personality into something more dark. "I'll keep moving forward even if I find myself in hell" , that's what I tell myself anyway. "The choice has been between suicide or plunging into the dark". Since it is like that, I'm willing to become a demon if that is what's necessary. Whatever it takes, wherever I'm taken so long as it's not this I feel the dark now again, as opposed to lots of light, but traces of light remain It seems I use speech as a form of live action or way to explicit my mind, rather than using it to make factual statements or regular discourse. And it just spews out my mouth as something to do The words have been spoken, and I've laid myself bare. Speak anything you wish THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER BEEN TRULY POSSESSED BY IS A SINGLE POINTED MADNESS TO PUSH EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE USELESS ASIDE AND MARCH FORWARD OVER THE LITTER OF BURNING CORPSES THAT GET IN THE WAY
  25. To what end do you make such a distinction Nîgger? "Awakening is awakening" is the only guide I see, but you make an interesting point about them not guiding you through intense transformation or large jumps in consciousness. You understand how hollow these spiritual gurus are, although maybe for a different reason These gurus are in truth the final set of gatekeepers that society employ to keep you in folly. Sweet trappings of an ultimate delusion, through promising redemption from delusion. To speak too much with them is to get lost in their bubble of bullshit