I am the oldest surviving child and my Dad is a life time alcoholic who went through periods of drug use in the 80's. Dad mostly took care of me while Mom was taking of my older brother, so I imprinted on him strongly.
Dad inherited the family plumbing business. He never like the business and would often use "shit" to describe everything in his life he didn't like. He didn't like that I was uninterested in sports (in 2nd grade), hated his life and vented his frustrations on me. There would be moments of screaming like, "BRAAAAATTTT! YOU SHIT HEAD! GO TO YOUR ROOOM! NOOOOW!" and then he would kick holes through doors. Even in calm times he would use "endearing" terms like "Hey Brant, come here you little shit." Love was imbued with disgust.
We lived in a big house which enabled a lot of avoidance habits, like obsessively closing door to make sure I had a barrier between me and people and tell whether they were close by the sounds of the door. When he got really drunk or angry Mom would try to take me to relatives.
Now I'm nearly 30 and I'm living with roommates for the first time and all of my trauma survival mechanisms are reappearing. I avoid them like the plague, but I live in a small place with four other people. I had an episode today that lasted over four hours. I felt trapped in my room like I couldn't get out. How do I heal?
