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@victormac That's true. I generate too much unnecessary anxiety for myself. I'm aware of that, but it's hard to stop. Sometimes I manage to do it then I fall back to it again when faced with even a little stress. I've been like this since I was a little kid. My mom planted these thoughts into my head: "what others will think if you do this or that" and she was constantly judging others so I grew up always thinking about pleasing others and not making mistakes. But she is quite unpredictable in what and how she will judge, so I ended up trying to do everything in the best possible/perfectionist way to avoid conflict. Now I'm paralysed because I refuse to please other's stupidity/whims but I don't know yet what I really want or how I can motivate or influence others to think together with me and understand my points and why I do the things the way I'm doing them which is based on the knowledge I soaked up because of my dysfunctional perfectionism.

@frnsh @Star Net @Moreira @LRyan @PeterRck @Shin @WildeChilde Thank you for all of your advices. I will think and meditate about them.

I'm kinda in this situation already. We live in a foreign country where we barely speak the local language, without friends or family. Actually maybe this isolation caused my problems in the first place. I feel it would be dangerous for me to isolate myself even more at this time, but I'm sure this would help someone else to clear they thoughts away from people. I feel I need a workplace that gives meaning to my days, but I'm kinda traumatised from my previous jobs and subconsciously ruin all my opportunities to have one, because I feel I would be put under too much stress again and would have to deal with unreasonable people who just want to use me for their own benefits. I subconsciously refuse to be anybody's slave again, but I don't feel I'm there yet to start my own business, but probably that is the answer, even if it seems too difficult at the moment. I saw Leo's introduction video in the Life purpose course where he's talking about starting your own business. I will subscribe to that course when I can.

@Shin Will do that too. Thanks

@WildeChilde Thank you WildeChilde. I'm reading about shadow work now.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to answer. @WildeChilde My husband knows about my inner struggles but he cannot really help and I don't expect him to know how to help. This is why I came here for advice, because Leo's videos helped me a lot and I thought I can find other people here who are on the same journey. I told my husband I'm having an existential crisis and questioning what is the ultimate purpose of doing anything. But I do realise that I cannot just sit around and meditate like a buddhist monk (first world problems ) @Shin @Star Net I traveled alone to Portugal 3 years ago. It was just a regular 1 week beach holiday. Do you think a retreat with meditation would help me, something like Leo did? Traveling is actually another problem for me. I used to love it and I traveled to 22 countries, but now I feel that everywhere is almost the same and everything is mass consumerized and traveling lost its real meaning of exploring and experiencing new cultures when you can find all the information on the internet. And also these romanticised dream holiday destinations are not that desirable for the locals who were born there as a lot of them want to leave, and while tourism help their economy it's also destroying them. When I was traveling I did not feel a huge difference in the cultures or people's mindset so I got bored of it. It was not adding much to my way of thinking, it was just a pastime. I can read about their history and culture from books in the peace of my home.

@PeterRck Hi PeterRck, Thanks for your reply. Selfish or not, this is how I feel. I would not do anything to harm myself though. He's very supportive of me and he's everything I ever wanted. Our marriage is not perfect, but it wouldn't be with anyone else. I don't think my marriage have an impact on these feelings.

I admit this question sounds like it's coming from someone who is depressed, but I will explain it deeper. I was always interested in psychology and understanding people around me, mainly because of a bad family situation (not too bad, but bad enough to make me an introvert geek). I was reading Freud in secondary school and I was introduced to the work of Eric Berne and Games People Play at around 18 and I continued to read all kinds of psychology and self-help books. Now I'm 31, I more or less achieved everything I wanted in life. I have a husband, we live in a beautiful country in a tiny apartment. The next step we're "supposed to" have is buying a home and have children. And this is where my problems come in. I had terrible job experiences in the past and I don't want to spend the rest of my life working like a little slave of these soulless corporations and business men yachting around and doing nothing. The only reason I want to own a home is because it would give me a little peace of mind from this crazy world if I wouldn't have to work just to pay the rent. But it was never my dream or passion to have children. I just feel like I want to hide somewhere away from people and don't deal with other people's behavior. Like that monk in the movie Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter... and Spring. I don't want a career, I don't want to be famous or powerful, I don't even want to be rich anymore. I feel like material things just add weight on my shoulders. And there's never an end wanting new, better, more expensive things. And I also don't feel like becoming an inspirational person, like Leo. He's doing a great job, but it's just not for me. I used to be very passionate and achieved things that might seem very inspirational to some (where I came from), but now I lost all my passion to do anything. It's not that I couldn't find things to do or be passionate about, I'm just not feeling that passion. I've been searching for the answer for months now and I feel stuck. Maybe someone has some good advices for me? Should I just keep doing those things and stop thinking/overthinking?