Benjamin Jackson

91. November Well, it seems another month has gone by and absolutely no posts from me have occurred. I'm sort of OK with that though at the moment, if I'm honest. I've been working nearly every working day with a few exceptions this month, which feels good. Although I'm not earning as much as I need to be (and this is reflected by the fact that I'm not working as many hours per day as I'd like to either - although this come hand-in-hand with being self-employed... I just need to build up the hours gradually) it's great to have purpose, and once I started everything properly, the massive resistance that I had been feeling over the previous months almost completely disappeared. Sure, some days are tricky and some days I feel like I can't be as bothered, but the truth of day-to-day reality has been far less terrifying than I had perceived or expected. Also - only 3 weeks of work left until Christmas. Where has the time gone? Reading this back, it's great to see that my mindset really is in the process of shifting between that of a uni student and that of a self-employed musician. There's still a long way to go (as there always seems to be) but I'm getting there. I'm getting into the rhythm of work and the mindset, my driving really is getting there and I can now envisage owning a car and providing my own transport. My advice to myself in this regard right now is to keep going! November, however, has been a tough one for different reasons. Although I've been working super hard and pretty much enjoying it and getting into it, in the middle of the month, my boyfriend collected some scan results about some concerning looking medical symptoms, which was really scary. Thank goodness, then, that the results were fine and all it means is that he will have an operation at some point in the nearish future and everything will be OK. Phew. But of course, when it rains, it pours. And this is definitely true for November in so many ways. Just half a week later my boyfriend THEN had a relatively high speed and quite nasty car accident, which was frankly incredibly distressing for him and for everyone around him. I received the phone call quite late on after it had happened and couldn't quite process what had happened. I was told he was OK, and then the details of the crash (which were nasty) and momentarily forgot that I'd been told he was OK. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. Again, so very luckily he spent only one night in hospital, and despite losing his car he came away with only some cuts and bruises and a small fracture - and nobody else was involved. While this is still a bit sad and not ideal, I'm at a point now where I can't do anything but be totally grateful for him and that he was OK - both times. In fact, in the last week it's given us a good chance to talk and think and evaluate, and it's giving him some really good quality time to reflect, which he seems to be really making the most of. So basically - all in all - after a busy and stressful month, we have a happy ending. In fact, he's sitting right next to me as I type this and finding a way to continue, which makes me incredibly proud. I've been composing some electronic-based music this month (and in the past few months too) and I think the last one that I composed is a really fitting reflection of the month that's just been. It's called 'You Slept (For a Time)'. I've never shared it before, but it's part of an ongoing project to widen my portfolio of compositions with something new.

1. Finding the 'bite' It's the 2nd of January, which is arguably a day late for deciding to start a more frequent mindfulness journal - but hey, every day is a new day. I've been inspired by another user on this site and during my meditation today I figured it would be really useful for me to make myself a little more accountable in how I document my progress. I can't promise it will be every day, but I want to keep this as regular as possible. I have a very unpredictable year ahead of me - my dad has cancer and probably doesn't have too long left, I'm planning on finishing my uni degree, I'm planning on moving in with my boyfriend later this year, despite the situation with my family (I have decided the strain in the household is too much and me staying here for another year, despite everything, will actually not help us all as a family and will hinder my personal progress). A lot will and could happen, and for someone who has been on medication for anxiety and had CBT (me) this can seem a little daunting. I am, however, starting this year with a strong foundation. Last year represented a whole host of massive changes for me - not least getting to grips with mindfulness, meditation and self-actualization. This, along with meeting the most wonderful person who has taught me so much about life, myself, and how the two fit together (as well as showing me so much about what love can mean in all of this), means that I am entering 2018 'anxiety-free' (at least, in a medical sense - we all experience anxiety from time to time). I do, however, know that this year will potentially be a whopper in both amazing and devastating ways. This morning, having not slept too well, I went to meet a friend. While I was out of the house, my subconscious seemed to want to start processing things that were in it. The end result was my friend suddenly saying something along the lines of: 'Don't you want to talk to me any more? Have you stopped caring about catching up and knowing what was going on in each other's lives?' This stung, because it certainly wasn't true. I cared very much about what was going on in her life, but realised I hadn't been asking for fear of her asking questions in return. I hadn't realised it at the time, but I didn't want to talk about how I was feeling - despite so much work going into my self-awareness, I'd been burying it. Here are just a few of the things that I realised were on my mind that I didn't want to be: 1. My dad is getting scan results tomorrow - these will determine whether he can carry on with his palliative treatment or not (and this is increasingly unlikely each time as he has been having chemotherapy for a whole year now) 2. I really, really darn wan to move out of my house. I think people who are at uni and come back home for long breaks mostly find that it's hard assimilating their sense of independence with their family's routines. I know I've certainly found it very difficult to get on with work that I need to do, or eat the food that I need to for these reasons. My mum especially finds it difficult, as she views this as a sense of ungratefulness coming from me, that I'm no longer inclined to behave in the way she necessarily brought me up in this very house to behave. On top of that, there are a lot of times when being required to help feels more like I should out of guilt than love, and this is wearing me down too much and, I think, wearing my relationship with my family down too. This breaks my heart, as I love them, and I want to stay around especially why my dad is still here - but it is such an unhealthy environment for me and my development and plans for the future that I just don't think it's possible to continue long term. The guilt that's associated with this, and everything to do with my dad, had also been buried. 3. I was more worried about my currently ill boyfriend than I first cared to admit. He's had a very bad sounding flu which seemed to get worse, and I had just found this extra info out before this incident with my friend. I am planning on going to visit for a while in a few days time and have been greatly looking forward to it and I know he has too. While I was worried this may not go ahead as planned, I think the deeper worry came from the fact that I was worried about HIM feeling down, sad, and unable to do his normally wonderfully dedicated work. While there have been improvements today, I seem to have developed a deep desire (which I am sure is shared with him) for his good health. Part of me believed (and maybe with good reason) that I'd spent today badgering him about how he was too much, which was entirely inappropriate and thoughtless considering I knew he needed rest. I was annoyed at myself for this, too. After me and my friend sat down to talk about this, she began to understand, and we continued to talk as normal - even about these issues above. It felt good to talk about them, but it was hard to process them as they'd all just suddenly and perhaps quite distressingly come to the fore. As such, after I arrived home I dashed up to my room to try and deal with how I was feeling, and began to be extremely overwhelmed. I tried to meditate, but couldn't manage it and had to ask my boyfriend for some emergency advice (or at least, it felt like an emergency at the time). Again, this added to point 3 above, but he told me: To which I responded - but that's scary - there's so much stuff that's piled up about my family and such over the Christmas break. He advised me to still go in there now while the pile was relatively small compared to in a few months. And of course he was right, so I did. And it was horrible. For ages I felt trapped by all this complex emotion, trying to let go of resistance - but the more I did the worse I felt... until I didn't any more. My brain had come to terms, at least a little more, with how I was feeling. It was then that I decided to meditate properly. Now, sometimes I use the Headspace app (I don't know how you people feel about it, but I find it useful, especially if I've missed a few days and need a way back into mindfulness) and I hadn't meditated for a while and so started one of their 'pro' sessions. The framing of the exercise today was finding the 'sweet spot' between too little energy given to mindfulness - almost like apathy, and too much - almost like anxiety. As I've just started to learn to drive, I imagined finding the bite point on a clutch pedal, and then I realised how relevant that image was for today. I'd started with apathy by not trying to be aware, and ended with anxiety by being so aware that I let my feelings control me, rather than the other way around. My meditation, then, helped me find the bite. And it was only then that I could distinguish the three categories I've talked about above - before that they were all just a big confusing mess. This experience taught me that it is possible, after a while, to find a way out of what seem like the worst situations, even if just mentally. And what was great about my boyfriend's advice was that he is teaching me to deal with these things on my own and independently yet sharing thoughts with each other. So, a very long one to start, but important I think. Finding the bite in 2018 is what I need to aim for.

90. October Oops - that one passed me by! It seems I've not been posting on here as often at all, in fact it's almost been a month. I think that there are many reasons for this, but at least one positive is that I'm a little busier. Of course, with this busyness comes a lot of resistance, which I have been feeling from time to time and, like right now, a lot of tiredness - which has lead me to getting earlier nights (or at least starting to) and maybe not updating this as often as I'd like. It's good that this is forcing me into a routine though, it's good for how I feel, and I have definitely felt this snowballing over the last month, which is very positive. With any change, or any challenge, there has been a lot of mental resistance, a lot of nerves and a few days where not much has been achieved as a result. But as with last month, progress is slow but very much there, which arguably is the only way to do it. I did some work in a different city and got paid healthily (although I'm still in my overdraft - but this might change in the next month!) and really enjoyed the assigned task, as well as this I've got four regular hours of work per week at a good rate, and the opportunity within the next few weeks to grow some more work out of that. My calculations suggest that with all of that grown, I should be beginning to earn enough to be self sufficient just about (but I will of course need to earn a little more than even that before I try to, as money does keep just disappearing, depressingly). I'm quite nervous for the week ahead as there is a lot to do, but learning to take each day at a time has been really helpful. My driving is coming on, and I think the end might be in sight at some point. Although quite when, I'm not sure - but this is just another step towards self-sufficiency, which feels promising. I can't coast though, I need to improve my situation still, even though there has been significant progress to report. One major challenge this month which is still somewhat ongoing is that my boyfriend has had some medical concerns which could have been quite alarming. As of today, that seems unlikely, but nothing is confirmed as of yet - and it won't be until I'm back in the different city doing work in the same place as I did a few days ago that we will find out, so it's likely to be a little stressful. It's been quite distressing to think what might happen, but I think by the time all of this is said and done, it will be a good lesson in living in the moment. Especially since this is already happening with my dad. Fingers crossed everything is OK. Despite the exhaustion and anxiety, I feel this month has been a largely positive one, with some fruits of my labour beginning to show. I'm just at that point now where the ball has started rolling - I wonder where it will take me? What I've been listening to:

89. Life is Holistic I've been struggling with roundabouts while learning to drive. There's a lot to think about, and a lot of hazards and other people which makes each time a bit different. Sometimes I managed them fine, and other times were a complete shambles. So, I spent a lot of time out practising just those, and asking to do them in lessons. It seemed to be getting me down the more I tried it. I also have a piano pupil who is very difficult sometimes. She doesn't pay attention and today in particular she misbehaved for the entire lesson, which was very frustrating and tiresome for me. She's quite young, and we're still trying to work on the basics of high and low notes and loud and quiet sounds. I've been working on this with her for weeks, and every time we work on it, she seems to lose focus even more. Can you see the pattern? I only just have. The solution came to me at the end of the day. Let me update you on my driving. Today - my instructor tried a different approach. Perhaps we could try driving around more generally, getting from A to B, encountering roundabouts on the way but also working on lots of other skills at the same time, some of which will end up being applicable. It worked a treat - for the first time in a while I was feeling confident about my driving. The principal is, life is a holistic thing - approaching just one thing from different angles sometimes works, but putting it in context is perhaps even better. So, next week with my piano pupil I'm going to try something new - I'm going to give her something else entirely to play or to work on - and then we're going to come across loud notes, high notes and low notes, and she will eventually understand the concept, and be engaged enough to behave! (Fingers crossed). Sometimes thinking outside the box isn't enough - you have to find out where the box actually is, and think about all the other boxes around it too! What I've been listening to:

88. September Today, being the first of October, was a very apt day for the events that happened in it to have happened. After a few weeks of doing pretty well with everything (even though things are still just starting up, so again, there's that lack of routine), the end of the last week has been especially difficult. I've found a lack of motivation, and today I became really upset, as many members of my family and people close to me are going through really difficult things. It's hard not to worry, and worrying in front of them only makes things worse, which makes me feel worse. Plus, I felt as though I was totally lacking any direction today. Sure, I've had a successful interview to become a music teacher (I'd still have to find all of the work on my own though, and would be self-employed) but for some reason it doesn't excite me like I thought it might. I felt as though there was nothing to aim for, and as though I had no purpose. Putting all of this together was really quite unpleasant. I was imagining the worst for myself and people around me, and getting upset that I couldn't shake that feeling. In reality, I have started exploring lots of new ways of making music and potentially storytelling, I've been working hard at celloing and have a few piano pupils, and soon I'll have the ability to start teaching cello in schools. I've been practising driving in some spare time and really come on, which will be really useful. Sure, there are some stressful circumstances, but many, if not all, will be totally fine one way or another. It's a stressful time, just coming out of uni and now at the point where I really should be starting to earn a living. And I am, but I'm not fully *there* yet, which feels frustrating. So I've come out of September with a feeling of good progress, but with that has come a strong feeling of anxiety too. One which, I hope, with continued devotion to working hard and giving some time over to help discover what my purpose is, will eventually fade into motivation. And there's a lot to look forward to in October. I have some paid work coming up (although it's something I need to prepare heavily for, and haven't been sent the right materials yet - which is a little stressful!) as well as the chance to grow my teaching career and skills in music. There's also plenty to look forward to in the way of motivation. I'm going to see an opera by one of my favourite opera directors in a few weeks, and my favourite TV show is coming back... What I've been listening to:

87. No Need to Do I realised today that it's often our belief that we need to DO something that creates resistance and allows us to be distracted. Just now during meditation, if my mind believed that it was going to be a lot of effort to follow the breath, it would subconsciously not want tom and thus resistance and distraction would appear. As soon as I altered my BELIEF about whether I was going to have to do something, and instead believed that something would HAPPEN (i.e. my breath would be followed, rather than I would need to follow my breath) the resistance broke down. I realised then that accepting things is actually a way of altering belief. Believing that it is a thing, rather than some extension of you - for example. As I've said before on here, I realised the same things can happen when playing my cello. If I believe I have to make a loud sound, I'll tense up, but if I believe a loud sound will occur out of the instrument, I let that take control, and I can be relaxed while making a loud sound. There's no need to do, only to be. What I've been listening to:

86. Last Day on Earth I have quite a busy and important week coming up - I have a job interview to be a proper music teacher on Wednesday, and am teaching a lot, and learning to drive! While it seems to be starting to kick off, it was easy for me this morning to feel nervous and by extension very resistant of what I had to do in the week, and therefore taking me a bit longer to get going this morning. I am currently thinking about prioritisation in my daily meditation, and one of the most helpful (if heavy sounding) things I've got from it so far is to live each day like it's your last day on earth. It's actually quite freeing, as it allows you to see what it is you most want to be doing, it allows you to prioritise the things that really are the most important. And the reason why it does this is because it forces you to live for that day the kind of day you've always wanted to be living, it forces you to live in the now rather than in the future. I was listening to one of Brooke Castillo's podcasts yesterday evening that dealt with exactly this - if you live how you want to live now rather than in a way which gets you there, you're already there - you're living the life! It affects so much more than prioritisation, it even affects the way you might perceive the moment, and the way you might treat other people or feel about certain situations. I've said from the start that this was an unpredictable year - and anxiety might have me believe that I should be scared because every day could be my last - but what if I could turn that on its head and use it to be positive? What if I didn't need to be scared of something ending, because while it happened I appreciated it to the full? What I've been listening to:

85. Water Just a strange little thought for today - have you noticed how the world around us gives us so many metaphors for our ways of thinking and the mind? For example, you can learn a number of lessons just be looking at the natural behaviour of water. Waves can represent thoughts, big, small, important, inconsequential, beautiful and scary - all of these things occur from one body of water, but none of them define the truest nature of that body of water. Likewise, thoughts can be waves, the mind is like the ocean. Furthermore, the way water mixes with light to form something vivid that isn't there - a rainbow. When two powerful, intangible forces coincide then something else that doesn't seem like either of them can exist - just like thoughts, and reality can mix to create experiences, or perceived experiences. You can never find the end of a rainbow if you're chasing after it, only if you examine what it's actually made up of. So am I just being a bit over-analytical of this, or is there something to be gained from learning from the natural world? I think it's not just thoughts and principals of mind which links existence itself together - I think there's more to it than that. Or maybe, everything we believe comes from subconscious beliefs about nature and its patterns that we'll never be able to get to the bottom of. Either way, it's interesting to think about how to very unrelated things, something physical and natural like water and something internal like thoughts, can be connected in the ways in which they behave. What I've been listening to:

84. Two Types of Tension Something I've learned already today is that resistance is not the only type of tension the mind can experience. Sure, when you're resistant, you are pushing and tightening away thoughts, creating all sorts of tension in the mind, but also, tension in the mind can occur when we are chasing after something or desiring it too strongly, as you're kind of pulling towards something. Both create, as it were, a strain on the mind - and in the context of creativity, this is not ideal. We live in a world and society where we are always pushed to do things, to aim forward and work hard in order to achieve and be 'worth' something. I'd argue that this puts a strain on the mind, always trying to be better or to have better and never be content. The truth is, to do more, you must do less. And by that I mean strive for contentment in order to make the best progress. It sounds counterintuitive, but I think it will work! Accepting that resistant thoughts are there, accepting that there are some things you desire more than others and working with both creates a kind of equilibrium, eventually leading to a type of contentment. It's the place in the mind where you can get the most done. And, as ever, what happens in the mind works practically too. I've been trying to reduce tension in my cello playing lately, and in trying too hard to make the right sound or 'do' the right thing I've found myself continually increasing in tension - until, that is, I realised that on order to do more, to get to where I wanted to be, I needed to do less. Let gravity do the work, accept the things around me for what they are and use them, rather than trying to be in control of everything. Be content with how I am - a cello is designed to work with a human body, not a tense, strained human body! That way, I avoid being overly forceful in some parts of a piece, and overly strained and a bit scared in other parts - it all just feels more natural. Creativity, and the mind, is exactly the same. What I've been listening to:

83. Shared Mind As part of my meditation, I often visualise a creative spark within me gradually increasing in size until it reaches as far as I can imagine. I'd been doing this for a while, when recently I decided to try and apply a bit more of a theory of shared mind to it, understanding that other people share a lot of the same aspects of consciousness I do. Without trying to, it was almost as if their sparks and mine joined, and increased in size far more rapidly in the visualisation. But what does this mean? Well I think primarily it highlights that working with others, especially in terms of what I want to do as a career, has massive effects, both in terms of productivity and frame of mind, and this works because other people share so many of the same thoughts and feelings, especially when experiencing the same thing together. It also makes sense for when you get close to someone and begin to think like them, or when you are experiencing some shocking or great news with someone, or listening to music. That's when the shared mind is really obvious. Not only, then, is it my responsibility to be aware of this in my own mindfulness practises, it is also my responsibility to cultivate it through my line of work. When I compose, and when I play, and when i teach, I need to be aware of the commonality between humans, the things which are shared, and the emotions, skills and ideas that I am sharing, and how other people are perceiving and responding to these, eventually working towards more and more shared areas of consciousness, ultimately creating the value I feel I must create, and the value that those on the receiving end are requiring. What I've been listening to: (not sure if I've used this one before - but oh well!)

82. Feeling Icky I feel a bit icky today, both mentally and physically. I think there's a lot to be said about feeling icky, and a lot of potential causes. Part of it could be, as discussed yesterday, the upper limiting problem - or indeed this might be the underlying cause behind a whole load of things. Primarily though, a few things have come to my attention, and I have a few solutions to help me not to feel so icky... 1) Tiredness: this plays a big part in feeling icky, it's stopped me from focussing as much or as intently and altered my mood so that I am less willing to put energy into things. It could well be a symptom of self-sabotage by messing up sleep routines - so it's time I got that sorted! 2) Body discomfort: this could be due to a number of things. Since I've been home and no longer cooking for myself as often, I've been eating more gluten, which is a known cause of feeling icky. I can fix this by cooking for myself more often and being mindful of the types of food I eat. It could also be due to not looking after my body physically as much. I've noticed recently that I am putting on weight not in muscle, for example. It's not really an option to go to the gym regularly at the moment, but regular exercise and walks could do the world of good here. 3) External influences: this is a tricky one. I could say that today I have been forcing myself to do what I can, even though my mind might not have been in the right place for the whole day - and it would be true. In terms of productivity, I've felt disheartened at the quality of things I've produced today, mainly for the reason of tiredness. Separately from this, I could say that I had been asked by members of my family to do a lot of different things which are stopping me from getting on with what was really important. This is also true, but I think I have somehow, and perhaps in quite a complicated fashion, allowed this to happen by not appearing to be doing as much as I normally do, or appearing unenthused by it, leading to there being more options open for others to distract me. So yes, their input didn't help, but I didn't help in the first place by allowing them to have that much input at the times that they did. I guess what I'm saying is, I have to find a way to take responsibility for it so that I can improve upon it... I hope that makes sense! I'm determined to get back to feeling perky and productive... watch this space! What I've been listening to:

81. Finding Creativity As I've said before, my meditation practise for the last 20 sessions (and the next 10) focuses on creativity. It is during this time that I've been really contemplating how creativity fits in with my life purpose - and in the broadest sense, it turns out that creativity IS my life's purpose. With recent understanding that storytelling might be the way forward, and having recently found ways to be creative in tasks I hadn't thought required it, I can see this becoming real. In fact, today has been such a good day because of creativity. My driving lesson was improved massively by creative and adaptable thinking, and then a good cello practise and arranging session as well as sorting out lessons to teach in the future. In addition, during today's meditation I realised that the things that I consume that gravitate towards in a way which makes me most content are the things which inspire my own creativity. This means that I can flip tendencies of consumption into ones of creation, even if in my own mind. Even if it's listening to a piece of music, the reason why I love some music on a deeper level is because not only do I resonate with it, but it inspires me to create something of my own, almost in response. So a great day and great creativity, but I must now be careful of 'upper limiting' and somehow sabotaging this. I must not coast on this and expect it to just occur, it takes agency to happen. I must also be quite to spot any acts, conscious or unconscious, of self-sabotage. One thing I've noticed with this is that as I've had such a good day, the worry about potential upper limiting causes this self sabotage itself. How to I break through this? Perhaps the answer is to use that energy to find creativity in the next day. In other words, look for the positives! What I've been listening to:

80. August I was going to talk about the importance of meditation today, and then I realised I had a month to reflect on. So guess what? I'm going to do both: 1. The Importance of Meditation Yesterday was a great day, a really fantastic one. I was extremely productive, ran some errands to get my life on track for the rest of the year at least, if not more, did some fantastic cello practise off the back of a great lesson on Thursday and still had time to go and meet my friends and smash the heck out of an 'escape room'. I felt great. But the one thing I didn't do was meditate, and today it has shown. I had a very slow start, and my mind just wasn't in the right place at all. I got distracted by getting a new phone, and then didn't do much for most of the morning after staying in bed for far too long. And I realised that this was the issue, it was the mood in which I went to bed that I allowed to affect the morning. It's hard to avoid the fact that had I meditated in the evening as I regularly do, things may have been different today. Fortunately, I managed to pick things up later - but as I came to today's meditation my mind was busy, and kind of stubbornly so! It's not the end of the world though, and it's important that I remember that - there is no obligation to do anything, only learn. Things have been reined back in and things are going well again, but it's just shown me how important it is to get the mind to a place where it is simply experiencing the moment regularly - it can have an amazing affect on how things go - and it's great for setting up a good day and giving the right kind of momentum. 2. Monthly Reflection It has, as ever, been a strange old month. It's been very relaxed in some ways, and very stressful in others. I was speaking to my cello teacher about this the other day and she felt the same as me about the past month in that it's almost impossible to remember what I've been up to, but I haven't felt *not* busy as such either. Part of this, obviously, is not being aware enough and having enough purpose, but another thing that I think is a specific symptom of the summer months, that doesn't help with the first reason, is the lack of routine. Not having organised work or things to do and just lots of tasks to work through and complete seems to take its toll rather quickly as there's no outside momentum to keep me going. However, in the last week or so things have been looking up, even though there is not yet much of a sign of routine. After a conversation with my boyfriend the other day, it has begun to emerge that perhaps my purpose in life revolves around storytelling. There's much contemplation and thought to go into this yet, but it seems to have really excited me, which is always a good sign. As well as this, I have been given some paid arranging work which I began today and really enjoyed, and it dawned on me that I could be having fun and earning money from it too! Sure, my monetary situation really is dire, but with the next few one-off jobs that I have coming up, it looks like things might start to improve, and that's what's important. Over the next month I hope to find some more of that purpose as I go about finding more regular income in the form of music pupils, as well as finding more exciting things to do with my time in terms of aligning myself with what could be my life's purpose. There's a way to go, as there always is, but things are happening - and that's all I could ask for right now! What I've been listening to:

79. Making Emotions Mean Something Emotions are funny old things, we have such preconceived ideas about feeling them, but as I've learned over the past year, it's not feeling bad emotions that is the unpleasant thing, it's the resistance to feeling them. Therefore, it makes logical sense to sit with and accept any emotion that you may be feeling for what it truly is, rather than what you imagine it might be making you feel like. Doing so, in time, means that it will no longer bother or define you. That's the principal, anyway. And you know, I am pretty good at doing this from time to time. And a lot of the time, when I sit down to face what I'm actually feeling, I'll discover that I wasn't feeling what I thought I was feeling at all, and that there was some underlying cause going on, and this is often very relieving to find out, as once I finally get to the root of the issue, it can start to disappear and in the process I understand myself more. However, recently I've noticed that I've been actively looking for this to happen, and while this doesn't sound like a terrible idea, it might not be the right approach to take. Let me give you an example: if I'm feeling down and have the presence of mind to decide to sit and contemplate and just allow myself to feel the emotion, I might be internally asking myself the question 'where is this coming from and what's really happening?' as a kind of secondary motive to *just* feeling. In doing so, I am making my emotions mean something. Just think about that for a second - in order to take away the meaning I subconsciously apply to my emotions, which is what causes the problems with feeling them, I am subconsciously looking for other meanings. And while it's great to sometimes find a meaning, looking for that meaning was never the way of finding it. Can you see how complicated this becomes? The solution is simple though, fortunately. Just feel. Just allow yourself to feel and what needs to come to the surface will, if anything. A lot of the time, there may be no detectable reason why I am feeling tense, but allowing myself to sit and accept it makes it go away - there was no need for me to analyse that feeling in my head, as it's not bothering me any more. Sure, if there is an underlying problem, occasionally take the time to examine, but do so in away that allows the meaning to come to you, rather than attaching the meaning to it. So just feel it, that's all you need to do. It's as simple as that. No extra meaning required. What I've been listening to:

78. Venting I had a lovely day today, but the thing is I've only just realised that after a call with my boyfriend, most of which started out as me venting about inappropriate things a relative might have said. I thought I was just chatting, but then I realised I was venting, and then I realised I was actually complaining. There is a simple truth that I do not need to let things get to me to the extent that I need to complain to other people, as complaining is a sign that the complainer is the person with an issue that can be dealt with. Sure, some people's actions and words might be less than ideal at times, but for me it seems like quite a skill to be able to brush everything off. It's a skill I want to master eventually thought. But the act of venting has actually helped to clarify the events of the day in a much more positive light. I realised that I actually enjoyed spending time with my relatives today, and the rest of the day has given it a positive context to sit in too. So should I keep venting to other people? Probably not. To myself? Still probably not, I reckon. It's a sign of not properly dealt with tension, so the best thing I can do is face it myself, be that in my daily meditation regime, or in some quiet contemplation. Sure, it helps to talk about problems with others and sometimes even share funny stories, but venting begins where the awareness ends, I think. At least, that's what I seem to have worked out today. So, to leave this entry on the kind of note this entry might want to leave itself on, it has thus become apparent to me that life can be perceived in great ways if you are willing to have that perception, even if that means working a little bit to get there, as it were. Tomorrow can be the same! What I've been listening to:

77. The Creative Spark In my meditation at the moment I am visualising a small creative spark initiating from the centre of my body and expanding in every direction, then with the aim of some 'intense' periods of focus on the breath and then some less focussed parts with the theory that creativity is linked in a way to problem solving, and that answers come when you aren't looking for them. In a way, this principal has struck me at one of the most unconventional moments and relating to probably the least expected thing: the weather. I realised this weekend that I feel at my most creative when the weather isn't so good. We've had a period of very hot weather in the UK this summer, it's been almost unprecedented (what was I saying about this being an unpredictable year?). It was strange though, as when the sun was out I wanted to do nothing less than sit inside and work - even though I don't really profess to be much of a fan of sunny weather. Sure, this summer has been awesome for so many reasons, but it was when the rain started that I felt inclined to be truly creative. I think it might be something to do with the process of looking inward - being cosy indoors can be very reflective and probably very conducive to creativity. That said, it might well be just the fact that I eventually stopped looking for it. Or perhaps it's a mixture of both. The universe sometimes works in mysterious ways. But this creative spark is going to be important for me now. I have been trying to visualise what the purpose of my life might be, and I feel more and more that I have a creative purpose in life. Is that performing? Composing? Writing words and stories? Teaching? A mixture of all four? Perhaps the way in which I find this out will be through living it, rather than looking for the answer. All things being equal, my creative spark should ignite when I least expect it and point me in the right direction. What I've been listening to:

76. The Frustrations of Being 'In the Zone' I've been here before. I can do this. I am a good cellist, I know how to meditate to a competent level, I'm good at focussing on tasks and doing things to a good level. The problem is, I've spent so long not really focussing on these things (or at least, not together in the format of a lifestyle) that I had forgotten what the emotional experience was like. The good news is, I've spent most of the day (barring some resistant moments) getting back in the zone, playing the cello, meditating and doing a bit of organising. On paper, this is great, and from where I was just a few days ago it's a massive improvement. The problem is, it doesn't feel quite so dreamy. Like I say, I've been here before. I played my cello suite, of which I am still very proud (now newly updated a bit) and struggled. I'm not as good at it as I was when I had had a fair bit of practise (understandably so) and what's more, my aim this time around is to be even better. So, in the long run today felt like a bit of a step back, even though it was actually a step forward. If before I was at a 5, I dropped to a 2 and am now at a 3. 5 to 3 is a step back, but 2 to 3 shows promising signs of eventually reaching a 10, except that's harder to feel and truly get to grips with. The same can be said with pretty much every other aspect of my day today - an improvement, but nowhere near yet. And that's the problem with being 'in the zone' once more - I've crossed a boundary back into focus, but I'm right at the bottom of that zone again. I could be congratulating myself for having re-crossed the boundary, but I know I have a fair way to go before I am back where I used to be. All things being said, everything about today was right, but I feel I must keep going. I need to use this as a positive motivation and, as I keep saying, not as a reason to beat myself up. On reflection, I'm sure I will be able to congratulate myself. So - onwards and upwards! What I've been listening to:

75. The Story So Far... Well it really has been a while, hasn't it? So much so that I've failed to do a July updated, and post for most of July and August... whoops. It's weird, isn't it? This is the time I was meant to be free with the most time to do things like journal on here and keep up a meditation habit, but as seems to often be the way, I just haven't kept it up. Part of this might be because I saw completing these things as part of a work-based routine and I have recently been trying to give myself a bit of time off before things kick off again in September. However, I have actually been working - teaching a few lessons, setting up some other jobs and the like, so perhaps this isn't really an excuse. Maybe the best reason I could give is that my sense of routine has been totally obliterated. In a way, though, this is good as I have a clean slate. Career-wise, things seem ready to start. I phoned someone who can organise me going into schools to teach, but they made me feel bad about the way I worded a response. It was ambiguous as to whether or not I was actually in the wrong in that situation and I'm still not sure, but it has slightly put me off communicating with him again. I'm fairly sure I will though as it will be very important to my teaching career. I have, however, started to set up my own teaching little business, with five people on board already and more to follow! Hopefully this will continue. Strangely though, I haven't really felt that elated about this. After graduating, things seem very scary and I'll be the first to admit that I've been resisting what might be around the corner. Sure, it's good to have a bit of a break after uni before really getting into things, and it has been a great break (including a final trip with my youth orchestra to Italy, which was absolutely amazing and gave me a lot of confidence both in terms of my playing and my ability to deal with difficult situations with difficult people) but now it's time to really get back into mindfulness and self-improvement, and bossing that authentic life. How will I do this? Meditating like my life depends on it, reflecting the hell out of each day and living in the moment, and not inside the stories my head creates about the past and future. One thing that has recently come to my attention after a particularly unlucky trip to the seaside with my boyfriend was that I do have an underlying belief that I will lose the people close to me due to faults of my own. Reading back over some previous entries, this doesn't really come as a surprise, however it kinda felt out of the blue at the time, and it became very apparent to both of us that it was a serious and deep belief that can lead to self-sabotage. I need to work on this, but I need to do so through the motivation of wanting better, rather than avoiding the negatives. As much as I am scared of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy where I do lose more and more people due to my thoughts, I need to focus on being an authentic version of me and proving to myself that I am worth more than I think. It's fair to say that there's still a long way to go with this, but I have finally started to get to grips with the problem, which I think might be a massive and positive step. So there we are, pretty much a whistle-stop tour of the past six or seven weeks. A lot has happened indeed and there has been a lot to learn, be aware of and cherish. As for what's to come? Well, bring it on... What I've been listening to:

74. June Past me might have thought that June would have been a month of relaxation and finally a chance to unwind. Nope. It turns out June was probably the hardest month of the year so far! I spent the first week of it alone in my uni home going slightly insane, the second getting very stressed about starting a new job, the third getting very stressed about the job and quitting it, and the fourth was where I finally started to notice my life getting on a new and exciting track. So, all in all, three weeks isn't a bad turn around - to be totally honest. What's more, the fruits of the last year of labour have really paid off - I'll be graduating with a first in July as well as a special certificate of commendation for the area of my studies I was most worried about - that contemporary ensemble performance! This means that in every single year of my uni studies I've received recognition for exceptionally high grades and I've even won a named award. As my boyfriend put it (and I'll take it) 'that is how you boss a music degree'. But here's the thing - that was easy compared to what's next. I have to set up a living for myself. It's not going to be easy, but I spent some time this last weekend creating new ways to plan the next stages of my life to make sure I am doing everything I need to be doing. I've created a list of targets and goals and broken them down into achievable aims - things I can write on a to-do list. It means I have a practical list of things to be getting on with. And while it's still all up in the air at the moment, especially as I am meant to be meeting people and teaching people that keep cancelling and postponing on me, I must remind myself that it will come in time. I spent a lot of the last few months worrying about money, but I'm starting to see it come together slowly. The same will be said for establishing a routine and regular work - at least I hope so. I also had a bit of a time thinking about death this month, which kinda wasn't pleasant. I was thinking a lot about losing those that I love, and how I have to remember that nothing is promised or certain, anything could happen at any moment. This really upset me to begin with as, well, it's not nice to hear, but to be honest, it can be a good source of motivation, and looked at in the right way, it means that every day can be seized. SO - for July, I have the chance to do that. I'll be going away at the end of the month, but before then I have the task ahead of me to live my life in the best way possible. No pressure, then What I've been listening to:

73. Quitting So, after all that, I quit my job. I found it far too difficult for so many reasons, but here's the basis of it all - instead of the fear of my ego dying and my actual self beginning to take shape, I felt my actual self dying and my ego being trained to take control. Taking advantage of vulnerable people for donations or encountering rude, abusive people is not something which builds anybody up. Add to that the stress of travelling so far and the exhaustion and pressure - and it just felt wrong. Sure, I needed the money, but not as much as I needed to remain true to myself. As a result, I sit here now having had time to sort my life out a little bit more after uni. I've tidied up, unpacked, set some potential future job opportunities in things I actually feel motivated to do that will build myself and others up - and I've also spent some more time with the people I love. So perhaps quitting isn't always a bad thing. As I found earlier this year with my driving lessons, getting out of a bad situation, even if there aren't the best immediate consequences, is perhaps the best course of action. My boss really wanted to make me feel as if I hadn't been resilient enough, but why should I be resilient when what I'm achieving goes against what I stand for? Had I continued at the job, I would have been resiliently avoiding and resisting my true purpose. I knew it was time to go already, because even though I was doing well, it didn't seem in the least bit rewarding. So it's not really quitting, simply moving on and making the decision to do something else, and I'm looking forward to seeing where that will go. In such a massive time of change in my life I think it's important that I guide it where I want it to go, rather than let it guide me. What I've been listening to:

72. It Never Ends! I told you this journal would be unpredictable. I really should start getting more regular with it... the problem is - the responsibilities of life never seem to end! I have now finally moved out of university for good, and as my boyfriend would say, it's time to shift that mindset from getting good grades to earning a living! This is such a daunting process and it can be quite scary. Ideally, I want to be doing music 24/7, but at the moment I have a fundraising job to get out of my overdraft. It was beginning to reach the point where I felt as if I'd never find the work I really wanted to be doing, but then today I had a great experience which has helped change my perspective a bit, at least for now... So the job's been tough so far - doable, but tough. I've told myself that by the time I go away on orchestra tour in 5 weeks, I will re-evaluate my position there, and I should have earned almost enough to clear my overdraft. Today, however, I spoke to my old cello teacher who has informed me that it will be entirely possible to get teaching work through the local music hub, which was really encouraging. Furthermore, people I know keep referring me to other people, so that I'm actually building up some kind of clientele! This has lead me to have the target of quitting my job soon after I get back from my tour, taking on as many pupils as I can and then eventually moving to live with my boyfriend! It's a daunting task, and it's going to be full of risk, but it's worth doing right now and seizing the moment - as it's what will fulfil me the most. Throughout this it's important that I don't forget to be mindful of myself. Throughout this changing routine it's been difficult to keep any kind of schedule, let alone a meditation plan. But this is something I really need to prioritise somehow, as it will help keep me grounded in what really matters so that my mind doesn't run away with overwhelm, worry, or the minutiae of whatever work I am currently doing. I need to remember that I am here for a reason, and that that is how I will gain contentment - simply be being present with that purpose and allowing it to happen. This sounds difficult right now, so I think more regular meditation will certainly help! What I've been listening to:

71. May What a biggie! I started this month pretty much stressed beyond belief with a lot of work to do, and gradually completed each task. Every single one was something I could never have dreamed of doing three years ago, and I'm so proud of myself. I'm yet to hear how I actually did in my uni work, but I am still so pleased with all of my progress and how it all turned out. There was also something brewing beneath the surface of all this: the rest of my life. After a bit of stress initially, I was finally able to knuckle down and get thinking in the latter half of the month, as well as giving myself time to relax. This has been really beneficial, as last weekend at my boyfriends I had a very bleak moment where I really felt hopeless, but together we formulated a plan that I feel can work - now I just need to do it! I'm going to focus on earning some money and paying off my debts in order to pursue the real dream - with that dream in mind, saving and working hard should feel easier, as I have a target. I'm nervous about what the next few weeks might bring as I move out of my uni city for good (the location of which is pretty obvious now) and start a new job. Also, as the month ends (and I feel like I might say this pretty often) my relationship with my boyfriend feels deeper than ever. He's off on holiday now for half of June, with little connection to the outside world. This will be difficult, as he has been my rock through all the turbulence I've felt this year and especially now as things are changing more noticeably than ever. What I need to remember though is that everything I've achieved has come from within me, and I can do it again. It will be a great chance to really cement that belief. But damn, I will miss him. So then, June. A month of change. New jobs, moving back home, making some investments and road trips. It's gonna be another biggie I feel. There will be almost no routine as things end and new things begin - but it's gonna happen, and I'm gonna happen to it! Reading all of this back now, I can't believe I have finally reached this stage of my life. What I've been listening to:

70. Lessons Learned Ooft, it has been a while hasn't it? Sorry about that. I have been, as I would have myself believe 'taking a break', but really, that's not an excuse. Of course, I spend a good few days chilling earlier in the month, but then I had the chance to perform a cello suite that I had composed this year. It took me by surprise in listening back to the performance what I actually sounded like, and what the piece sounded like - it was more impressive than I had bargained for to be honest! I had spent so long caught up in the composition of it and practising it that I hadn't really given myself credit for my own abilities. One of the most important lessons learned from this though, for me, was that practise does indeed make perfect. Now, I knew this before, but experiencing it really brought it home. I practised so hard and yet again had something to be proud of under my belt. But the mental journey was not over yet - oh no - after a weekend of concerts and rehearsals, I was set to go home for that job interview I mentioned previously. Instead of feeling nervous like I normally do I seemed to develop a kind of 'dead inside' approach, where I didn't really feel anything to some degree. Part of me was experiencing those classic nerves, but there was again much more to it - I had realised that the job I was going for was how I was going to be spending a good proportion of my time and creating 'value' with, but it wasn't what I really wanted to do. After some deep conversations with my ever patient boyfriend I decided to go in the end - and the experience was again much more pleasant than I had bargained for (there's a pattern emerging here). I have realised that it just needs to be a way of earning enough to live on without giving it too much dedication - as that's yet to come on what truly matters! The amount that I enjoyed writing and performing my suite really gave me a boost in terms of what I could be working on next, and how I could be making a living from it. I also spent almost an entire day sat in the bank because a lot went wrong with my account that weekend. After a big break, all of these things and thoughts did seem a little bit overwhelming, but as I have come to realise, or perhaps more accurately - remember, it was not these things themselves that were causing me to feel off, it was how I was choosing to view and interpret them, and lo and behold, throughout all of this, I had not been spending time meditating or reflecting properly on my own feelings, experiences and self-development. In fact, I've just finished meditating now, and in turn that has lead me to want to write a journal. I don't think that's a coincidence - writing down events and trying to create something tangible to track my personal development is something that will come naturally after some contemplation and meditation. And as you might be able to tell from the frequency of journal articles this month, that perhaps needs to happen a fair bit more. The lesson, I think, has been learned. And it all goes back to point number one - practise makes perfect. This might, in fact, be the most important lesson I've learned and truly understood from my university studies. It sounds simple, I know, but to learn it in such a deep way is something that will definitely stay with me. I must continue to practise meditation and reflection so that I am better equipped to deal with these new experiences that I will be facing and the emotional side of what comes with them. What I've been writing and playing:

69. A New Chapter The day before my final presentation I was very nervous, as would be expected. What was unexpected, at least for me, was the reason why. I'd done presentations before and of course they are nerve-wracking, especially if they're assessed, but there was another layer of nervousness above all that. Nervousness about the next chapter of my life and the responsibility that comes with it. In fact, I'd go as far as to say this wasn't nervousness at all - it was downright fear. Needless to say, the moment I'd finished my work I did allow myself to relax for two days, had some fun at the cinema and casually had a play around with some compositional ideas. I did nothing in particular, but I think the rest did me good and gave me some time to recharge. Today, however, I had to step up again. Not quite to the same extent as I was doing last week, but enough so that I could be productive. Needless to say, this was very difficult. I have a 20 minute solo piece (composed by me) to play in a concert on Friday, which is daunting as it is, but then to couple this with the fact that my brain seemed to be in 'off' mode meant that it was very challenging. After some initial practise, I got into the swing of things, but I must admit that my efforts to work on a composition for a competition were not up to scratch today. I think it's all about momentum, so during this week I am going to try and explore different ways of re-building and sustaining momentum for this new part of my life in a way which is long-term efficient. That is to say, I don't need to feel constantly stressed out (anxiety was the cause of a lot of the momentum I had during first and second years at university) but constantly driven. This, and I know from watching others go through it, is one of the most difficult things a person can do. It's also made all the more difficult by the fact that I still have a few things left around uni life before I can properly start anew, and there's very much going to be a lot of overlap. No summer holidays for me! But this will, I think, ultimately for the best in terms of maintaining momentum. As I said in my previous post, it's about chilling with the moment rather than finding a moment to chill, as that always ends up feeling far less fulfilling. So the coming months might be a bit all over the place, with overlaps of old and new, but maintaining the best bits of what I've learned this year should help me. There's be no 'turning a new page', it won't be as clean as that, but a new and, ultimately, very different chapter in my life is about to begin. What I've been listening to:

68. Nearly There I'm so close to completing something momentous. Not only does this mean I'm really feeling the effects of three years' hard work, but I can look forward to that final gratification. It's an exciting and significant time, but it's also rather terrifying. Along with finishing my studies comes the urgent need to find my purpose for my everyday life after I've got my degree. I was home during the bank holiday and felt a lot of pressure from family members to apply for part-time jobs to help fund my life. Not as a main career or mainstay, but just for something to give me enough funds to find a place to live and be in the right place for the right kind of work. Now, I totally get this, and when I was offered an interview it was quite exciting. However, pretty soon afterwards it felt like I was about to give up my last chunk of truly free time, which felt a bit scary. But here's the thing, what even is free time? All the days that I've been looking forward to because they contained 'time off' have actually been the least fulfilling and, therefore, the least relaxing. I think it's great to take time to breathe, and meditate, and just kind of let your mind stop whirring, but doing things I enjoy is what I'd be doing in my 'time off' anyway! So I sat down, and tried to make a plan of my life. I gave myself 7 areas to work on, kind of like school subjects or university modules. I set out long-term aims for each one and put them in to a proposed guess at a weekly timetable. And guess what, there was loads of time for it, and I'd be making good money too! Win win! Here's the thing, then. I'm nearly there, yes. But nearly where? The end of something? If my thought processes are anything to go by recently, this couldn't be further than the truth. I'm nearly at the start of something new, not the end of something old. Yes, I am gonna feel so pleased and rewarded once this work is over and I have a properly good qualification under my belt. But why am I even studying it if not to enable me to start new things. I'm not studying a degree so that I can enjoy not studying it any more, I'm studying it so that I can use it later in life. It's been a massive investment of time, money and energy, but I've learned so much throughout the process, both about the subject and myself. It's nearly over, but the learning and the living has only just started. What I've been listening to: