Benjamin Jackson

21. Sensory Overload Sometimes it can be hard to focus on just one thing for a number of reasons. Perhaps there's too much going on at once, or perhaps you're just too confused to be able to hone in your focus on something in a specific way. Today's carried that theme for me. Again, I've actually had quite a good day indeed, and yet one little thing has been nibbling away trying to get my attention. I was sitting in a practise room in my department trying to work on some tricky rhythms, but all I could hear was a very loud band playing Arctic Monkeys songs at what must have been top volume. They were in a closed room down the corridor and yet every practise room was flooded with their noise. Of course, it was quite selfish of them, but what really bothered me was that it was ever so slightly distracting me from the work I was trying to do. I managed it in the end, but with a small feeling of frustration in the back of my head. Cut to later in the day, and I'm sitting in a rehearsal feeling very hungry. I'm sure there are biological reasons why this might distract you from what you're doing if it's not eating, but again, I found myself in a similar situation. I was unable to concentrate fully on the task at hand because I appeared to be experiencing some sort of sensory overload. Again, I got to the end of the rehearsal all fine with progress made, but aware that had I been able to focus just a little bit more, I might have done just a little bit better. Weirdly, when I got home, it seemed by boyfriend was going through something similar - struggling to concentrate on something due to feeling a little overwhelmed. It was only then that I realised how common this was in my day today. Of course, it's important to learn to be content with the progress I did achieve (and today, it's definitely worth feeling content about, it must be said) - and as well as this I know that training the mind for focus will really help. One thing that has crossed my mind is how hard I have worked to be in the present moment, but when the present moment is so very full of thoughts and sounds and smells and feelings and sights, it's often hard to know what to focus on within that. So, today and in the coming days I will start to explore ways to really focus on things within the now. But I also have a question for anyone who may be willing to offer some advice - what kinds of things do you do to help avoid sensory overload? Even if it's not entirely overwhelming and even just a little bit frustrating, I'm interested to see how this sensation can be dealt with.

20. Doublethink I don't want to go into too many specifics, but today has been a literal rollercoaster. As far as my actual work has gone, it couldn't have been smoother - I was far more productive than I'd planned to be and even enjoyed it. However, once I stopped doing that, my brain did some... stuff. For a few days I've been worrying about the same and similar things, so at the end of yesterday and earlier this evening, I felt pretty terrible really. Lots of worry, self-doubt, and feeling absolutely trapped in these emotions to the point where I felt like everything was a bit terrible, really. The worst things about these were that firstly, I knew I'd achieved so much better and so the fall back to square one emotionally felt like a real disappointing blow. Secondly, they directly impacted on somebody else important to me, and unfairly so - which created further internal unrest and self-blame. Thirdly, I absolutely knew that what I was worrying about was not an issue and not worth the energy of worry, and yet still couldn't stop the worry from building. If anybody has ever read George Orwell's '1984', it was a bit like the idea of 'doublethink'. But where did this come from? I have many theories - firstly, the stress of university has started to kick in as well as the emotional repercussions from my time at home. As well as this, previous experience and the way it fits into current situations could be igniting parts of my brain that don't really give me that many useful thoughts. Finally, it could be down to processes outside of my control, and my brain - more bothered about getting stuff done in as easy a way as possible - just needs to start dealing with them. Doublethink seemed to be creating even more resistance. 'I know this isn't worth worrying about', I'd say to myself 'so why am I still doing it, especially when it could be hurting someone else in the process? I can do better than this!'. Even this internal monologue is not a helpful one, as it eats away at your own idea of control and grounding in yourself, as if something else has control over you. But, after an incredibly patient and loving conversation with my boyfriend (who, quite frankly, right now I could not be more grateful for, he has such skill in talking about these things and is so calm and factual and genuine all the time. Even realising this during our conversation was, in a way, enough to show me that not everything in the world was bad) I was able to find ways of grounding myself, which is what we talked about the most. Being happy with how you are, without the desire to be 'good enough', for example. Or the idea of your first instinct and its opposite not necessarily being the truth, as well as the thought process of 'trying on' different beliefs until one which produces the best outcome comes along. All of these are really interesting and useful principles to start exploring. So, as tomorrow approaches, I feel like I have a fresh mindset and the beginnings of a new, even better perspective. It might take a while to start mending what seems to have fractured over Christmas, and even longer to build on that. But I go into the battles which I've lost knowing more about how to fight them now. It's good to know that after such intense emotions, the likes of which I've not felt for a very long time, hope and, perhaps more importantly, love have triumphed over worry today in an incredibly significant way.

19. Playfulness Whenever I play in one of my orchestras, the conductor repeats the idea of playfulness, and how important it is to music making. He says that viewing creativity as some sort of serious game allows more creative and expressive freedom, rather than just seeing it as an exercise with notes on the page. Today, this idea has kept on coming back to me. It's been the first proper day back and instead of feeling stressed or overwhelmed I've felt one thing above all others - playful. In the rehearsal which I mentioned yesterday, I found taking the mindset of having fun, figuring things out and benefiting from them and basically just enjoying myself to be so important. I could have chosen to sit there and panic about playing, but with a playful attitude not only did I enjoy the experience a lot more, but I was also far more productive. Playfulness is conducive to creativity, as once I'd reached that mindset I started having creative ideas for the cello suite that I am writing. There were a few setbacks along the way - I had some feedback from some work last semester with decent marks but pretty savage comments, but I noticed that this was an example of not being playful and perhaps taking creativity too seriously, sapping it of all its joy and reason of being. To dwell on criticisms would be like stopping playing the game because you aren't winning. It would be like Andy Murray walking off court because his opponent won the first point. This is absolutely not the way to succeed. Playfulness isn't just being silly or faffing about, it's about viewing the task at hand as a positive challenge, and one you will enjoy solving. Only after meeting my boyfriend last summer did I start to truly understand this, and ever since then, I've been able to see difficult situations or ones which used to stress me out more like opportunities than problems on some occasions. It's a lot easier said than done, but with reminding myself and time, it is on the way to becoming more of a default. There is great power in playfulness too - it creates an openness not just to creating things but to relationships with others and general outlook on life. It is an open, positive outlook as opposed to knuckling down and getting stuff done without really appreciating the process. Playfulness enjoys the now, rather than looks towards the end goal as the only source of relief. As the week goes on, I hope to adopt this approach in much more of what I do. Play is how children learn about the world and each other, and it should be about how we operate inside it too. Playfulness doesn't always need to be smiles and giggles either, it can be a serious session of solid work, maybe even fraught with problems. But not to see it on the whole misses the point. After all, I don't produce sounds with my cello, I play it.

18. Laziness I decided to treat myself today and go and see the new Star Wars film (amazing, since you asked). I figured that today was the last day before work recommences and it would be nice to keep on that idea of being chill and do something nice while I had the chance. All well and good, but then when I got home in the early afternoon, I faced a dilemma. I could either practise my cello, or sit and do nothing much in particular. I decided to go with the non-lazy option and start practising. This worked well up until a point. I decided initially to re-familiarise myself with some music that I'd been learning before taking a few days off practising, and this worked well. I went over a few passages and made some progress, but then it started to get difficult. Only in hindsight do I now realise that this is where I stopped. I didn't push myself. Now, tomorrow is going to be a different story altogether as I have a proper rehearsal that I need to be at, and so the pushing will definitely begin then, but for some reason my mind wanted to be lazy and not work hard in that moment, waiting for the future. To an extent, this is fine, as the rehearsal scenario will give me much more knowledge and motivation, but since the reasoning for me stopping there was that I'd had enough, I have deduced that it was laziness. Laziness is more apparent when it stops you from doing something altogether. If I hadn't attempted to practise, I'd have caught myself much earlier on. Likewise, if I had done too much to be of any further use, the outcome would have been different. The problem was, I tricked myself into not working as I was thinking in the short, not long term. Laziness is a short term issue. If you really do desire a break, set goals and time aside later for it, that way you can be proud of your achievements yet well rested and looked after. This sort of forward thinking is doable straight away, and normally is something I'm good at, hence the greater frustration when I miss the mark. I then faced another choice - heat up an unhealthy meal from the freezer or make something from scratch that was probably much nicer and definitely much healthier. At this point, I had begun to learn my lesson, and so put the effort in for something healthier. Not only am I now satisfied that I've eaten well (something that I am learning more and more is associated with a good state of mind) but I am also satisfied that I am able to put the work in and feel even better than if I'd decided to take the time totally off. It's a matter of perspective through time, I think, as chilling out is perfectly acceptable, but laziness is not. I think the two things can be confused for one another sometimes, both from the person and from outside sources. What matters is your motivation for doing something, and often doing the things that seems harder will benefit you the most in the end.

17. Environment Today, after six weeks, I have moved back to my university accommodation to complete the final semester of my degree. After a very rough night which I believe was mostly stress-induced (see yesterday's post) I felt truly awful this morning, however I arrived quite early in the day which left plenty of time for unpacking and settling in. I do feel a little bad for feeling much more at ease here at university rather than at home, but that has appeared to be the case today. I want to say two things about environment, and the first is rather simple. After dedicating quite a bit of time and energy to unpacking and tidying my room so that it's nice, and very personalised to me, I felt so much more at ease. It just goes to show how a pleasant environment can illicit a far more pleasant state of mind. I'm sitting here typing this in bed with music on, something I wouldn't be able to do at home but something which makes me feel very at ease and brings about a greater sense of inner calm. Making an environment your own and pleasant makes all the difference. Secondly, I feel as though, as this is the room in which I've pursued self-actualisation etc the most, it is more easy for me to tap into that side of things in this environment. The flipside of this is that when I am at home, it is very easy to slip into the mindset of being dependent, angsty, unaware of myself and surroundings as well as frustration and resistance, which really don't help anything. I found when I sat down today (at my uni accommodation) to meditate, although my mind was quite busy due to everything that's gone on over Christmas, both good and bad, it was as if my mind really wanted to do that, and I was able to access the desire and inquisitiveness required for meditation. I think the past experiences of an environment can shape current mindsets more than might be first apparent or desirable. Sure, over the coming months there will be angst and frustration etc at this house, just as there was at home over Christmas, but coming here today and spending the day settling with no other goals in mind has been just what was required. It feels like a reset, in a way, but one which has given me an immediate boost in terms of ability and desire to chill out a bit more and focus on what's really important.

16. The Heart of the Matter Today's been a tricky one, as I was confronted by a member of my family for not 'pulling my weight' during the time I've been at home (I'm heading back to university tomorrow). I'm sure this is something so many people experience when home from university and it's definitely something I've discussed at length on here in the last 15 posts somewhere. Today was a little worse though, as it was apparent things had been bottled up, resulting in an onslaught against me, making me feel like I had let my family down. This, given my current circumstances, is not something I need to be feeling right now. So eventually we sat down to talk - something that has very rarely happened as normally I feel talked at and then not allowed to respond. This happened to an extent today, but I stood up for myself. I said 'hold on, this is the issue. Let me finish, let this conversation end properly rather than just when you think you've had your say' and it worked. I was glad I took that risk. A greater understanding has been reached for both parties, and an appreciation of what the other is going through has started to form. The whole ordeal was very unpleasant, but I'm glad it started to work out. I think often we think we are dealing with things by talking them through or examining them and attempting to understand them, but based on some great advice my boyfriend gave me, getting to the heart of the matter is what's important. There was no point just discussing surface details about who had annoyed who, we had to get to the heart of it, the real cause, the reason why these isolated events had become so holistically problematic. Using this basic framework in my meditation today has been really useful. Knowing that I need to get to the heart of the matter made what would otherwise have been a very difficult, if impossible seeming attempt at meditation feel a little more like it had focus and direction, and therefore a little more productive. Sure, it was still difficult, but at least it had purpose. I think I've learned a great basic underlying principle today. If not learned, more re-learned, re-understood and understood the true significance of it. It will be something useful that I can carry with me into whatever happens next.

15. Grounded I went for a cello lesson today for the first time in a while, and it was quite a trek across the county via train. I was initially dreading the travelling and was rather nervous for the lesson itself too. As expected, this activity took up most of my day and the lesson lasted for two hours, which is a long time to concentrate so intensely. One thing which really stuck with me about what I learned today was the idea of being grounded. My current teacher is very much about grounding yourself in technique and knowledge before you start to be expressive with the music. Now, this is not something I would necessarily entirely agree with, but I acknowledge it's exactly what I need at this stage in my musical development. And, truth be told, I have been relying too much on 'getting the notes out and sounding nice' rather than mastering the full technique. This means I can play well, but mastering the foundations behind everything that I do will allow me to play well every single time that I play rather than just most of the time. That way, if I'm feeling 'off balance' (see yesterday) I always have something to come back to, to ground me, to re-balance. Again, I appear to be living in a metaphor, because there's so much to be learned from this in general life, and I noticed the parallels to meditation especially. The mind can wander, or it can be calm. Either way, if I know exactly what it is I am relying on, I know that I don't need to worry. Mistakes can be made and corrected without feeling lost or helpless. In fact, knowing that you're grounded and feeling secure in this way is so helpful (at least I think so). So often I can mess up (both in music and, more importantly, in life in general) and let it stop me in my tracks. I can blame myself, revel in the mistake, make it feel like the end of the world, but actually I know that I can correct the mistake. If I am grounded, I can carry on as normal. Mistakes don't have to be anything more than opportunities to learn. And, as in meditation, learning how to get back to what you are grounded in is arguably the most important thing in the end.

14. Off Balance Sometimes I think it can be quite difficult to be mindful, present and aware when life is throwing all sorts of nonsense at you, and this can be especially frustrating when if you're feeling determined to maintain that state of awareness in daily life. In a way, the desire to be mindful can itself be the reason why you're not being. Today I had a lot to do - work, practice, planning, packing to go back to uni. Little but important things. As mentioned yesterday, I am feeling concerned about making sure everything gets done properly, and this seemed to propel me into getting it all finished early. Fantastic! I sat down to meditate earlier in the day than I normally do (I normally do it in the evenings, although I am considering experimenting with this a little) and it was a very productive and rewarding session. I finished it with a full knowledge that only what was happening *now* was what I could be certain of and that worries about tomorrow (taking my cello on the train for about two hours to go for a lesson which I had originally assumed would be far closer to me than it actually was - probably in the snow) or the coming weeks were only dramas that played out in my head and not what would actually happen. I went downstairs to make a meal for my whole family and was immediately confronted with an enormous list of things that I was expected to do almost instantly. Immediately, because of the words and actions of other people, my brain was taken out of the now and into the future, along with a sense of urgency about things which were being perceived as 'pressing' issues. Not only did this stress me out a little, but the notion that my mind had been in such a good place for the first time today and then suddenly wasn't was actually what was stressing me out the most. But then, acknowledging this caused the whole thing to snowball. This all culminated in me being asked to climb what I can disclose is an extremely unstable ladder into our extremely unstable loft area to store other people's items (as, as I am often reminded, I am the only one who can reach or is able to at the moment, which surprisingly does not do wonders for my state of mind) and I do quite dislike doing this due to the, yep, instability of the entire operation. As I was trying to sort myself out so that I felt a little calm and secure, family members were barking instructions and corrections at me left right and centre, leading me to say something along the lines of 'if anyone has such strong opinions about how this should be done they can do it themselves!'. Cue instant regret. Talking like that defies the whole point of self-enquiry, mindfulness and general compassion, yet in situations like this it can be difficult not to. On reflection, the whole image about wanting to be stable, yet others putting you off balance really is quite a good metaphor. It's almost like I am in fact living in my own metaphors. *Shudder*. I think it's quite an accurate one, though. it will happen all the time, and dealing with unexpected wobbles that are outside of my control is something I can find very difficult, but at the same time I can see that working on this is the natural next step of training my mind, meditating and becoming more self-aware. I've learned how to deal with interruptions from my own mind that try to put me off balance, now it's time to think about what happens when these interruptions come from other people. In doing this, I think it's important not to feel sorry for myself, as that simply perpetuates any feeling of frustration. I think this principle has been understood, now it is time for it to be Known. Compassion for others, not self-pity, is the way forward. It's worth also mentioning that it's easy for me to forget that life doesn't just throw nonsense at you but also pleasant surprises. I've been studying grade 6 music theory (so that I can eventually enter myself for a teaching diploma) and yesterday and this morning on a 25 mark question I've been getting about 17 or 18. For someone who is hopefully going to get a music degree, this is quite poor and might not even be enough for me to pass the exam. I pressed on though, doing even more work on this than I'd assigned myself on this busy day and eventually ended up settling around the 23/24 mark, a much better mark that could even get me a distinction. So what can I learn from this? Well, for one, it has shown me that things balance out. Here is something I can be content with. The extra work has paid off despite everything and success is possible even in the most stressful or frustrating mental situations. Little victories such as this remind me that I am, in fact, on top of things, and that the busyness and worry in my head is simply that, in my head. It's a drama that's going on in there but not actually in the world around me, and things like this give me proof and keep me anchored. Perhaps the way to stop being thrown off balance is to realise that your balance is fine. I was stable, but had convinced myself that I was falling, and sometimes that's all it takes. I will strive to find ways of remembering to notice things like this in order to keep myself anchored in reality and not some sort of weird, self-pitying drama series going on in my head whose writers are just running out of ideas.

13. Purpose Yes, another one - two in one day! How very exciting. Just had a long chat with BF about some of my worries and also realised part of my problem was not having enough of a focus on what my purpose is. Sure, I want to do music and share that with people, and I have a few skills which I've been working on in the past years which I could put to use, but that was about as far as I'd got. After talking, it turned out my purpose is to help other people's love of music grow. Giving advice, teaching, and introducing people to new pieces - that kind of thing. After some more advice, I realised that I simply have to teach music, and experience will help me find my unique way of doing it - the stuff only I can do. Writing the blog that I write (I don't mean this one) is a form of teaching in itself, and I am keen to get some more one on one experience in. I'm excited to see which direction this can take me in with a bit more contemplation and experience. So sure, there'll be scary things, worries and issues but dealing with them by living through them is the best way - and at the same time, as I pursue an ever refining purpose, these small issues may seem trivial in comparison. There will, in a way, be something greater at work. Perhaps, though, purpose is not something you fully get to grips with. It might help you choose the path, but your purpose is not necessarily your destination. What have I been put on this earth for? I have a feeling that this year, I'm about to find out in a big way.

12. What If? I think it may be possible to wilfully ignore or disregard one's own wisdom, realisations or advice. Today I went to visit my grandparents' for lunch and ended up staying far longer than intended. This then fostered a feeling in me of 'oh crap, I don't have enough time to do everything' (or words to that effect). Suffice to say, then, my afternoon was a little panicked. I did actually make good progress in a number of tasks and areas, but when it came to my evening meal I felt very stressed indeed. Once I'd done every physical, tangible task I'd set myself for today and freaked out at my to do list for the rest of the week a little bit, this slightly overwhelmed feeling of stress manifested itself in a new way. Instead of just feeling overwhelmed at tasks ahead of me that I knew I would have to face (both in the short term and slightly longer term, i.e. university deadlines and projects etc) I also began to, quite ironically, go into a bit of a spiral of 'what if'. I am, for sure, going to make a lot of quite dramatic changes in my life - but all I could think about was 'what if it all goes wrong'. This is a more terrifying thing to feel than to understand, I think. I tried to take my own advice from yesterday and consider what is rather than what could be - and it was true, I definitely felt content and grateful with a lot of what is currently going on in my life. But then the what if was still there, mumbling away at the back of my consciousness, warning me that what is now could cease to be in the future, and telling me how bad that could be. I decided to take a long, thoughtful shower and meditate (as well as write this journal) and these physical and metal steps have helped me calm down in an observable way - however I feel like there's still a subconscious level of genuine worry. Part of me knows this may take a while to sit with and accept, maybe this won't even go away at all until it's happening and working. I did try to take some steps - I've emailed a potential employer to get more information about whether I may be able to get a job with them once I graduate and I've thought through some of my uni work. I think facing these problems head on might be part (or most of the solution), making them what is, rather than what could be, perhaps.

11. Be Inquisitive When I went through bad anxiety, my main issue was an obsession with the negative perception of the question 'what if...?', always imagining the bad things that could happen rather than the good, and certainly not enjoying the present. More recently, I have been able to see upcoming events as opportunities for good things to happen rather than potential disaster zones. I think part of the reason for this is that I have learned to be inquisitive through meditation. Instead of asking 'what if?' I now find myself more often asking 'what is?' - it's funny how a shift to the present makes the future look all the more bright. Today someone made a decision that caused a number of problems for me. I am the manager of a music group at my university and 'the powers that be' decided to alter an important date for us, throwing both me and members of the group and making what could have been quite a promising gig look like it could all go wrong. I did find myself stressing out about this, but I realised that most of the situation was out of my control, and so if I accepted the circumstances I had now been given, all I could change and have control over was a very small amount of detail, but taking control of what I could in a focused way actually helped salvage it a bit. If I hadn't been inquisitive, as it were, into what I could ACTUALLY, beneficially do to rectify the situation, I'd still have been flailing about, asking 'what if?' and trying to take control of everything, even that which was beyond my power instead of channelling all of that far more usefully. Being inquisitive, calmly, made all the difference eventually. Inquisitiveness, also, is a great gateway to creativity. I don't think when you create stuff that you're fashioning it out of thin air, I very much believe it's already there, and you are finding and expressing it. Being inquisitive allows you to find it. But what do I mean about being inquisitive? It's more than just asking questions and looking for specific things - it's about being open to learning from and experiencing everything. Being inquisitive about life in general aids being present in the now, facilitates enjoyment and productivity, both in general and in terms of potential problem solving, and it also inspires and sparks creativity. All of which, I believe, are part of the process of accessing your true Self.

@HII No problem! It's Gorecki's 3rd Symphony (Symphony of Sorrowful Songs) - and I was talking about the first movement specifically. About the first 15 mins are just this massive build up, then a singer is introduced before some kind of Godly re-introduction of this 24 bar phrase and it's so effective! Hope you enjoy it!

10. The Power of Music Music is a huge part of my life and it does incredible things. Yesterday I played in a performance which showed me, I think, every single way in which music has affected and changed me. For starters, it was a fund raising concert in order to help with music education in the area, meaning everyone I have learned from during my musical development was there. I was conducted by the first person to ever conduct me, sat next to the person to start teaching me how to play in an orchestra, sat by my old cello teacher and across from my old piano teacher and sat with current university friends. My grandparents and BF were in the audience, as was my old English teacher, one of the most inspirational teachers I've ever had. It also occurred to me that I'd never have known BF if it weren't for the people in that room and so playing with them almost made the music feel as though it had a special connection to him, which was really nice. To see everyone all together and be making music with them reminded and reinforced my life's purpose. The music itself was unlike anything I've ever played. Each part was very simplistic, with one 24 bar phrase repeated almost exactly but with slightly different starting pitches and timings across the orchestra (top marks if from that you can work out which piece I was playing). The effect of this was simply breathtaking. That, coupled with us playing in the dark in a cathedral accompanied by singers in between movements made for a concert which moved people to tears and the music itself had an enormous emotional impact. It was very powerful stuff. I've often talked about the most profound musical experiences in my life - such as the time I played Tchaikovsky's 'Pathetique' (look it up if you don't know it and are interested, it's really emotionally impactful) a few days after the first Paris terror attacks in 2015, and Mahler's 2nd Symphony in 2016 in an amazing venue. Both of these left me feeling emotionally and physically drained but felt like some of the most profound moments of my life. Yesterday's concert however, surpassed this entirely. The combination of context and music said to me that music, and this music specifically, had so much relevance for right then that it almost could have been composed just so that that moment would happen. Another argument, perhaps, that music does not come from individuals at all, and is certainly outside of time. Could music be a way to find God, perhaps? And after all that, I wasn't even drained - I was uplifted and felt more complete. If music can create such an holistic and fulfilling experience at the age of 21, it's very exciting to consider what it could do for me as I begin to pursue it as a profession in the next 21, and the next 21 and, if I'm luck, the 21 after that.

@HII Hey! So the piece I'm learning is a world premier of 'Always the Beautiful Answer' by Marc Yeats and it's part of a group project that I'll be doing until around summer. I've had some time off learning new repertoire too, but I think the best way to build it up is to firstly find music that you're really interested by and then slowly practise. It feels counter-intuitive to consciously do it slowly, but taking a few bars at a time and really really getting them embedded in your brain is actually the fastest and most effective way to thoroughly learn something and not get overwhelmed by it. Also, during my practise time, I don't sit down for 2 hours and solidly work - after I've worked on a line or so for about 20 mins I might take a 10 min break and then get back to it - it's a bit like a 'blended learning' approach where if you're doing something difficult and then do something totally different, that totally different time allows your brain to process what you've just done - and for me that means it has a more lasting effect. Everyone's different though!

9. Unnoticed Effort I went to bed last night a little nervous about today. Nothing especially big or significant was due to (nor in fact did) happen, but I knew what my to do list looked like and it featured further work on yesterday's things which felt like they could have taken a year to do plus other things of varying sizes. I knew i had a busy day ahead - but one that principally involved me sitting in my room concentrating. To the observer, or someone in my house, my efforts may well be about to go unnoticed. What I couldn't have predicted, however, was how they were almost going to be totally unnoticed by me, too. I began the day with a driving lesson which, truth be told, was a little tricky as I'd not had any practice for a good number of weeks. Although it was hard work, it was enjoyable and not, as yesterday might have me believe, draining. I then got back and began work on my performance, and realised that the draining effort, at least for this portion of what I was working on, had already been put in yesterday. Today's page of music was basically a similar principle, but as I'd had a day of getting my head around that principle, today was spend with yes, just as much time and effort, but far more enjoyment and chance to really get to grips with it intellectually, physically and playfully. Of course, it's not perfect in any way, but it showed me that a project doesn't have to start well to be enjoyed, even if just at some points along the way. To my surprise, I managed to do everything I'd planned today and more in a similar fashion. I was working hard, concentrating, but most importantly, enjoying. I didn't notice how much effort I had been putting in. Only now, after meditating and having a warm shower, do I realise quite how tired I am. That's the difference though - I feel tired, not exhausted or drained. Not only has this shown (or, perhaps, reminded) me that it's possible to work your socks of and manage, enjoy and feel content with it, but it's also shown me that my first impressions of things and the hard work that is associated with them do not need to be how I experience them on the whole. Sure, there will be some days, weeks even perhaps, where I feel unfulfilled, exhausted, frustrated and drained. But the journey is never static and most certainly never boring. I have become conscious of how consciousness can be transferred to the task at hand, rather than the effort required to do it. I think this is a great principle to have had within the first two weeks of the year. And yeah I may need reminding of it from time to time, but it's something that will be great to know for the year ahead.

8. In a Huff Progress has been made today, but this afternoon especially has been filled with, again, slightly unfulfilling work. I did some composing, which I like doing, only to realise I really hadn't been writing down the right thing as I went. I managed to compromise and record some ideas on my phone - and it is this progress I need to be content with, rather than the idea of the lack of the specific type of progress I had imagined before starting. I also began to practise a very difficult piece of music which is really going to test me. If I didn't have great people and ideas around me to help me feel encouraged, I may have already emailed my tutor and asked if I could get out of playing it, as it really is that hard. However, in the moment, I felt very inspired to massively push myself in what is probably going to be the greatest technical (and therefore psychological) work-related challenge of my life so far. However, the hard work I put in today, instead of uplifting me, resulted in me feeling in a bit of a huff, and I caught myself feeling like this quite early on. I continued to work later on into the evening, and the feeling only intensified, so in the end I decided to sit down and do some very purposeful meditation. It turned out, surprise surprise, that I was feeling a lot of resistance. My brain didn't want to push itself, it was perfectly happy how it was, thank you very much. I had a repeating image of a load of grey fuzz in my mind rather than clear light, and it was the clear light that was aiming to get through. I eventually realised that if I could see the bigger context, ie how my higher and lower Self fitted into all this, that fog, the huff, began to disappear and the light began to shine. I asked myself: What is worrying me about playing this music? - The answer was a simple 'I might get it wrong'. But then I just needed to ask myself: Why does that matter? - And the truth is, especially to my higher Self, it doesn't matter at all. This is difficult work, but in this specific instance, there's a very small chance it's going to kill me, and an even smaller chance it's going to destroy my sense of Self. The only damage it can do is to my Ego, which I'd do well not to care about. So I was beginning to get this sorted when a family member came into my room, interrupted my meditation and told me to make sure I'm 'quiet later' so as not to wake anybody up, reinstating the huff. My brain was pretty annoyed, as I was just on the brink of a revelation - and as well as this there's the cruel irony that I'm rather tired today due to being woken up very early this morning by that very same family member making an unnecessary amount of noise. But again, I am now able to ask myself the question of how this actually affects me, and the answer is that largely it doesn't. I will sleep again in a few hours, I will have energy. I will meditate again tomorrow, and I still learned a lot from my session today. Progress will continue to happen in varying amounts, and pushing myself like I did today every day will eventually get easier, not worse. It's like when you have pins and needles and you know that if you move your leg it's going to feel very fleetingly very uncomfortable - but the longer you leave it the worse it's going to get when it's finally time to move. I think, after a while, at least in some senses, I've realised that it's finally time to move. This has caused some great and noticeable discomfort, but if I keep wiggling about and stop myself from cutting off any more blood supply, the discomfort will eventually fade and I'll get all the right feeling back.

7. The Right Frame of Mind Last night my meditation had one common theme, and that was inspiration. I felt inspired to do and create and learn and therefore optimistic about what the following day might bring. That night, I started to read some of 'The War Of Art' by Steven Pressfield (a really good book so far) which only heightened this state of mind. I made a to-do list for today and tomorrow that was full of creation and fitted with this theme of excitement. I play the cello and am studying a music degree so one of the things I wanted to do today was start to do one of the main pieces of work for next semester for me, which is to compose a solo cello suite. I'd been thinking about this all day, but when I woke up this morning I realised the first thing I needed to do was tidy up. Why? Because if I didn't, there'd literally be no space to practise my cello. After having been away for six days, people had been dumping various things of mine in my room in the middle of my floor (another reason why I feel it may be best to move out sooner rather than later) which frustratingly, along with the unpacking I had to do, took me all afternoon to sort out so that I could even do practical productive things. Once this had been done, my family ordered a takeaway which was, admittedly, a really nice thing to do. But, as I have been avoiding gluten recently due to how it makes me feel, this has left me feeling incredibly exhausted and most certainly not in the right frame of mind. When I came to sit down at my cello and start composing (as well as looking at the music for a new contemporary piece I'll be performing next semester which the composer even admits is very hard for the cellist) I was left feeling frustrated on a number of levels. Firstly, I felt less good at my instrument, my 'thing' than I thought I was, and secondly I'd been building up to a creative outburst for about 24 hours that just didn't come to fruition when I wanted it to. This was mainly because I'd have done better doing this work earlier in the day, but so many circumstances meant that I wasn't able to, and when I was, I was no longer in the right frame of mind. (Oddly, some of that reason was a physical more than a mental one, which is interesting to note). Instead of letting this situation cause determination to do a better job tomorrow (especially now that some of the physical barriers have been broken and I can start afresh) I have been letting it get me down, thinking I will never manage it. Especially with this new piece, I feel as though it is so far out of my comfort zone and control that I will be unable to do it justice. I have felt like this before, however, and know that solid, steady work will bring eventual deferred gratification. I now need to put this into practise both literally and mentally, to solidify my determination to do what I both need and, ultimately, want to do. Not only do I need to align what I do with the frame of mind that I am in, I also need to work on my frame of mind, so that it's compatible with what is going on in the physical world around me. It will take a lot of work, but I believe that eventually there is a 'sweet spot' to be found.

6. Destination: The Past I've returned home today having had many profound and great thoughts and experiences. As with each thing that I do, and each new thing that I learn, I am slightly different to how I was before. I find myself physically back in the room I grew up in (having now 3 places, at least for now, that feel like a type of 'home'), somewhere I've known for almost my entire life. But as I sit here contemplating even the new perspectives the past six days have given me, let alone my life from when I first set foot in this room, I am realising just how far I've come. On a journey towards self-understanding and general development, there are many destinations. I think, though, sometimes we make the mistake of looking at a FINAL destination, and end goal, and perhaps craving it. I realised a while ago now that this perhaps isn't the right approach to take, rather I find myself pursuing the idea of contentment and understanding in the moment I am currently in, in order to grow/expand. Just for a minute imagine yourself as a little blob on a piece of paper with a line of blobs after you. Instead of trying to move your blob to the next blob in order to 'progress', perhaps it's an idea to consider making your blob bigger where it is so that it touches all the blobs ahead of it while still being rooted in itself and its reality and moment. Perhaps it's not a linear journey then, but a collection of experience. Sometimes the growth may halt or we may falter and try to move our blob, but that's just ultimately more experience. On the journey through life, we might find ourselves revisiting places we've been in the past - mindsets, feelings, things we might see as going backwards. But perhaps when our destination seems to be in the past, we can look at what we're seeing with new, more experienced eyes. If I feel anxious these days, I am more able to identify and deal with it in a more healthy way because of where I've been since visiting it the first time. So I'm home now, but that doesn't mean I never left. And i doesn't mean that as I sit here now, I am the same as when I sat here before.

5. The Unusual Usual Today is quite difficult to write about, as it's hard to put my finger on anything of note or worth specifically mentioning here. But that's when I realised that was noteworthy in and of itself. I have spent the day just being, eating, laughing, joking, loving, appreciating, relaxing. True, I wasn't fully present for all of it (in fact, my meditation habit really needs to get back on track - it's my aim to do something about this tomorrow!) but now, once the day has passed, I am able to realise how fortunate I was to have it. It was the kind of day that contained so little resistance that it felt not like I was walking through treacle to get done, but like I was flowing through water. I am in one of the few short time periods of the year where I have no commitments or deadlines as such (work for university will begin next week and all my deadlines are now complete). Aside from being away at BF's, it's not like I've been going out of my way to do EXTRA SPECIAL things in order to celebrate my temporary freedom (in fact, I've been too ill up until today). Instead, I have been more able to appreciate the 'everyday'. Perhaps this argues the case for not trying to fill your free time and instead simply appreciating life as it is or would be. This kind of day, while initially seemingly un-noteworthy, actually represents two things: Firstly, it represents what I would think of as the 'usual' - life going on in a good way with no specific distractions, stresses or disturbances. Secondly, it represents something very unusual, namely the above. How often does that happen? Surely life is made up of mini plot twists and changes of direction and interruptions, and I guess it's these which we must learn to embrace. A day like today, though, is a good blueprint for a lesson in appreciation. Yes, I can appreciate it now, but what I will learn from today and use in the future is the idea of really appreciating the unusual usual as it is happening. Because now it's apparent to me that perhaps for the first time this calendar year, I had an amazing day.

@HII Hey! Yeah it's about learning from stuff like this! I hope your spine improves soon! Yeah I didn't mean literally about the year - I guess I mean if the world and the events in it teach me things during that year - but it was kinda a metaphor

Do you think criticism is better than apathy? For example, someone caring enough to say they didn't enjoy something rather than someone not being moved/arsed by it at all?

4. Archetypal Unpredictability So it turns out that what I was ill with was in fact (and still is) tonsillitis. After waking up on Friday morning feeling like there was no room left to breathe in my throat, I called 111 (a UK medical helpline) who asked me a few questions and decided that I should try to get to see a doctor within the day. As I am currently not at home, I couldn't go to my normal GP so we had to go on a bit of an adventure to the nearest hospital to the sort of 'non-emergency' accident and emergency department. There I was given some antibiotics to take. Now, I've never had tonsillitis or antibiotics before and I think yesterday my body really wasn't happy with this. The antibiotics are very strong and were making me feel very unwell (today, thankfully, less so). Reflecting on all of this now just reinforces that my 'premonition' of how this year might go was pretty much correct, only a week in. These seven days have been the archetype of unpredictability. An 'ideal' start to 2018 might, perhaps, have been one in good health whereby I can spend every day building myself up and learning more about myself on a more complex, mental level. Instead I have been dealing with fairly basic (yet rather unpleasant) physical symptoms and problems which have made this very hard. But here's the thing, I'm on the way out of the other side already. Unpredictability has happened and I'm still here, still going. And the other thing about a week such as this is that it doesn't need to define the week which follows it, never mind the year. Furthermore it has taught and conditioned me to not get comfortable in one situation and to, rather than get stressed by new or unexpected things, just face the unpredictability and get it sorted, making the most of it while it is happening. In fact, for what I had judged to be an unpredictable year, this is pretty much exactly the week which needed to start it. Unpleasant (at times) that it was (and indeed it has been very pleasant on LOTS of occasions so far), it has prepared me well for if something similar or 'worse' were to happen. Furthermore, the equal and opposite reaction - i.e. when I have a very fulfilling day - is likely to feel even better as I will have indirectly learned how to appreciate it more. If 2018 is the year that teaches me to appreciate the good stuff even further, surely that's worth the methods it may use?

3. Equal and Opposite Reaction For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This can be quite depressing if you think about it for too long, because surely each good thing you do means there'll be something equally as bad down the line? Well, yes, you could think of it like this, but I think I've realised something. Today I travelled to my boyfriends and we've both been suffering to varying degrees (him worse than me - for now) with illness and tiredness. And because we've overexerted ourselves today compared to every other day when we've been feeling like this, we're absolutely done in. In fact, BF (as he will now be referred to as) went to bed about 20 mins ago (7pm) and I'm about to do the same. However, the fun we had during the day and how nice it was to be together makes this totally worth it, and actually the equal and opposite reaction to the illness was this really rather brilliant time spent together - which has only just started. This is an example, I think, of how seemingly unexplained suffering will be balanced out somehow - and thinking of it like this means that you can maybe look forward to an unexpected but positive surprise. Likewise, one good thing doesn't have to always equal one bad thing - a long time of feeling moderately crappy can result in an amazing experience later down the line for example. Furthermore, if you can learn to accept the not so good stuff and see it as a trajectory towards a positive (easier said than done, I know) then perhaps negative can turn to positive with some contemplation. I think what I am trying to say here is even if you seem in a bit of a rubbish situation, life will see to it that you're ok in the end, somehow - or even better, you'll reap the benefits of all of your experiences - not just the good ones. But here's the other thing. Even though BF has finished the day feeling really rather rubbish, and I don't feel on fine form either, I've started to notice how being together, for example, no matter in what state, is a positive thing in itself. So maybe the idea of an equal and opposite reaction goes beyond that of one which plays out through time and can in fact, as Newton's 3rd Law would have it, happen simultaneously. For example, I can be feeling ill, but enjoying where I am and who I am with. I am able to experience the positives in a situation some may find negative. Likewise, it's entirely possible to be experiencing an overall positive experience and try to find the negatives in it, but living in the moment, I find, really does highlight the positives, in both positive and negative situations. And thus, everything stopped making sense. At least I understand what I mean.

2. Looking the Other Way Yesterday evening was even more eventful than was written about. After meditating and writing on here, I took it upon myself to do something practical about how I was feeling, so I went to speak to my parents about my plans for next year. This went surprisingly well, and now I am able to look forward to those opportunities without the confusion and emotion turmoil which I had previously associated with that topic. All things considered, it was a fairly successful evening. This morning, too, I found out my dad's scans meant that he could probably continue treatment for a while, and that my boyfriend was feeling significantly better. I have, however, neglected a lot today with the excuse of how well things went yesterday and how emotionally exhausting it all was. I was, in effect, looking the other way. And because I was looking behind me to yesterday rather than at the day that was happening right there and then, nothing in particular was achieved at all. Not only that, but I have been feeling a little under the weather and my day of 'nothingness' has allowed me to wallow in that perhaps a bit too much. I'm nowhere near as ill as I could be, but it's all I've had to focus on. As a result of doing nothing much when I could have been doing at least something, I've found myself second guessing my own thoughts again - something I am now good at catching myself doing and dealing with, but also something which by now I tend not to even have to do. By this, I mean that I've been having small worries, blown slightly out of proportion with my mind about how I might be annoying others, not doing things right, wasting my time... etc, etc. Instead of doing something productive, like meditating, I've been doing all sorts of non-productive things such as watching catch up TV, which didn't really deal with any situation. In fact, because I didn't get out of bed and establish a routine today, I hadn't been eating at the right times and this started to feel even more off-piste than I already was. Basically, I wasn't helping myself. However, it's not all bad - I'm looking forward to the next few days at my boyfriend's loads and I've taken the time now to reflect on what could be improved on my approach to the day, which is probably half the battle. However, instead of sitting here congratulating myself, I need to make sure I'm focusing on the right things and not looking the other way.

This is very meaningful - I believe that if it weren't for something 'tragic' recently in my life I'd never have understood how to search for proper peace and understanding of myself (and therefore others), I would have instead carried on covering up or ignoring my emotions or the other extreme, allowing them to totally take hold of me. In a way, tragedy has cured me from anxiety and while it's an unpleasant experience, it's changed my life for the better