Benjamin Jackson

42. Life, the Universe and Everything So I didn't get chance to upload anything on here yesterday as it was my university music society's annual ball. I didn't go last year, and first year's one was a bit of a disaster (I was a bit of a nervous wreck, basically), so I was sort of dreading it. I had to go though, as I have some responsibilities as part of the committee this year, so off I went. As soon as I got there, the room in which everyone was stood in was tiny, noisy, and incredibly full of people. Uh oh, said my brain, this ain't gonna go well. And, as we moved on to the room where our food would be served, this was further reinforced. A tiny room which just about held us all which was so noisy that nobody could have a proper conversation. Now, flashback to this year, the ensemble that I manage has had a pretty tough time of it - reschedulings and cuts mean we haven't had great opportunities, and it's been quite difficult to manage at times as I've felt like I've not helped the members of the ensemble have the best time they could have (in fact, I especially felt like this only one week ago). Cut forward to the ball, and somehow we win the 'best ensemble' award, which was incredibly uplifting. After that, people went away to dance and I was left with much nicer food than I'd expected in a much friendlier, quieter environment than first impressions had led me to believe. In short, I actually managed to stay for the whole thing and really enjoyed myself in the end. The whole evening totally went against my expectations. I've just been listening to Brooke Castillo's recent(ish) podcast on confirmation bias, the idea being that if your brain is good at having a belief, it will find ways to support that, no matter whether that belief is good for you or not. To have a really positive experience that allows you to believe that something is or will be having a positive effect on your life is a way of starting a change in belief. She specifically says that changing beliefs is an initially uncomfortable experience, and that might explain why, even though I've had experiences such as the one I've talked about above, I'm still struggling with this. As I may have mentioned, I've had some pretty crappy experiences with driving instructors recently. I have 6 hours this coming week (which is a lot) with a driving instructor who I believe to be unprofessional and quite intimidating. That is my belief. And because of this, I'm sitting here really stressing out about the whole week. Not only that, but I am also allowing myself to begin on unhealthy thought processes, such as feeling sorry for myself because of it, and unnecessarily worry about all sort of things. I'd love to change my belief about these lessons, as this would be a step to sorting these seemingly temporary problems. However, because of confirmation bias, unless I'm really willing to change my belief, I'm going to as a reflex and subconsciously try to find ways to prove that my lessons WILL go wrong, that I SHOULD feel sorry for myself. But here's the good part - I'm aware of that now. Looking at situations like this from afar, the answer is obvious. Life, the universe and everything is at your disposal, so there's no need to feel in a bad way about things that might happen or things that you believe, when many other things are possible. However, it's the admitting that a belief might be wrong and changing it that's the difficult thing. It might be hard for me to imagine things will happen and happen well tomorrow, especially as it seems to be default to panic about it. However, surely I can believe that tomorrow will happen in a neutral way? If I go in with this intention, it's the first step to changing a (relatively small) belief. It is this intention which, hopefully, is the way forward for me. What I've been listening to:

41. Money So for some reason, I have it set up so that my bank texts me my balance every Friday at around midday. So imagine my dismay when I got to see just how far into my overdraft I was at lunchtime... haha... It would have been ok, bu I am very aware that I'm about to make some pretty large investments just before I'm also about to become totally financially independent, which is a bit of a scary situation to be in anyway. As such, I became a little panicky and had to spend my lunch hour financial planning. In my head, there was no way I would ever have enough money. On paper, in reality, this was far from the case. Why is that? Why does money cause such anxiety? Is it because we know we need it to survive (although, do we really actually?)? Is it because perhaps society has told us that out monetary value is our actual value? I think that might play a pretty big part in things. No money = worthless, or at least that's what we think we're supposed to think. I think there are many factors to this, as money is essentially an imagined survival principle which drives our way of life in 2018, even though most money isn't real at all, and simply a promise! When you have £1000 in the bank, do you ever see all that money? No - you just transfer these conceptual numbers in order to get food, water, a place to live, entertainment etc. Money doesn't actually exist, really. Yet it's vital. That's a bit weird, isn't it? A non-existent very important concept driving a way of life. Sounds a bit like religion to me. Potentially. And I could spend ages stressing about 'what if I don't have enough', even though I know the fact is that I will (just like today). I think, in that sense, money reflects how the mind works if it's not kept in check. Money causes worries and never causes true satisfaction, no matter how frequently we're told to believe it. Money is essentially an egoic currency, and I think it takes a lot to try and view it in a really healthy way. Especially as some people really genuinely don't have enough of it and can end up living in awful conditions, even living out on the streets in the snow. So then, the big question is this: how do we live responsibly under this tyrannical deity of currency when it can do so much to displace us, whilst still keeping a healthy mindset? This is something I shall begin pondering over the next few days. What I've been listening to:

40. A Few Debates Hooray, right - 1st March. I want to get back into the swing of this and try to meditate every day, and normally I write in this journal straight after meditating. It seems to have worked out today! Throughout the course of my day, I've experienced a number of dualities and debates I want to make a note of, so that I can maybe revisit them over the month. They are: 1. Long vs Short Meditation: At the weekend, me and my boyfriend practised 1 hour of meditation together. There were definitely benefits to this as it requires a lot more control, stability and ability to not mind anything at all that's going on around you. On the other hand, the 15/20 minutes or so that I'm used to doing daily seems to, at the moment, provide me with a perfect window to settle on a healthy frame of mind which is then more applicable to everyday life, and leaves me feeling better afterwards. Perhaps the solution is to continue to try both. 2. Is difficult a bad thing?: If you live in the UK you may have noticed that it's a bit snowy. Outside my house right now is a load of ice where snow has been compacted, melted, and then frozen again. I had a rehearsal (not all to important, but still something I'd committed to) this evening which I decided not to go to, as I live about 40 minutes away, would definitely have had to walk, and would be returning home at about 10pm. This didn't feel safe to me, although of course there's the argument that I should have tried anyway, and made the most of my time. Sometimes when things seem difficult, it means they should be done, and so part of me feels lazy for making this decision (even though I do think my reasoning was sound). On the other hand, it has not only kept me calmer and safer, but allowed me chance to do some serious meditation and reflection, which seems to have worked wonders for me. 3. Being busy vs being calmly occupied: Being busy allows great and many things to be achieved at times. It can create a real sense of purpose and satisfaction. However, it can be a little overwhelming. On the other hand, you could try to fill your day just enough so that it feels chill, but keeps your mind going. the drawbacks to this are that less is achieved, but perhaps what is achieved might be more fulfilling. As it's snowy, both the cello and driving lessons I was meant to have today were cancelled. So while I am frustrated in a way that progress wasn't made in those areas, I've been able to do other productive things today, and feel far more calm about it all. Unfortunately, having days like this isn't always possible. Sometimes, just a lot of things need to be done. Which can be difficult. So, linking back to point 2, should that difficulty be embraced, or should a person take some times to relax or cut down now and again... or is that lazy? I guess with all of the above the answer lies in the motivation. What's an excuse, and what's a reason? What's best for you and what feels nicer? Are they the same thing? These are all questions that can be asked together, and sometimes the answers do seem apparent. I just thought it would be worth thinking about these ideas today, so I will be interested to see how these ideas pan out over the rest of the month. What I've been listening to:

39. February Well, what an interesting month. What an interesting month indeed. The first thing you'd notice is that I have not posted on here as often as last month. Is this a good or a bad thing? Well, it's good in the sense that there weren't as many one off upsetting incidents I felt the need to reflect on in the same way, however it could have been better. February has been a month of underlying distraction from my goals. My work has come on in leaps and bounds, but I haven't been as aware as I'd like throughout it. This, however, has begun to change in the latter few days of the month. I finally came out like, in general, to people, to everyone. It was scary, but totally worth it. From just the short time since, I've been able to feel as though I am interacting with others as a more authentic version of myself, and that those people are beginning to see me for who I am and are talking to that guy, not the guy I spent ages during secondary school creating in order to try to fit in. And here's the good news, these interactions are positive! The person who I really am is not a terrible thing. Yes, it's gonna rub some people up the wrong way, but it's also gonna enhance how genuine my life is and strengthen those positive interactions, so to me, right now, there's no question that that is worth it. Musically, I've done so much. I've been enjoying some of the operas around my city, playing and rehearsing for a lot of things and am getting closer to completing a lot of projects. I've felt down at times and identified that my sense of self-worth needs addressing, but I am slowly making progress. I've also had some experiences with dodgy, stress-inducing driving instructors, which hasn't helped. The key is to, once I've worked out a way to feel OK in times like this, keep thinking and digging to try and find longer-term solutions. I've also begun to think more about what life will look like after university, which is exciting, overwhelming and a little bit terrifying all at once. But, I do feel like I'm leaving this month in the best possible place. I feel a sense of purpose for March - it's dissertation deadline month and I know exactly what else I need to work on. Things may be unpredictable at home, with my dad having a few problems with discomfort and trying to get that relieved, but as of yet nothing any more serious has come about. And right now, as the UK grinds to a halt because of some frozen water, it's giving me some time to really knuckle down and focus. If there is one thing to focus on in March, future self, it's making sure you meditate every day! What I've been listening to:

38. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG Underlying anxiety often says today's title to me, and often not all too explicitly. And so, when there's a potential for something TO go wrong, or that might go wrong, of course, brainy wants to make it so - to satisfy and confirm its well practised assumptions. But here's a lil something to remind myself of: there very often isn't something wrong. In fact, most of the opportunities for misfortune can actually, if you are willing, be seen as opportunities for great or exciting things to happen. Having preconceptions based on my past is definitely something I've been doing without realising. When I got into the car with a new driving instructor, I had almost convinced myself that based on my previous experiences, something was bound to go wrong this time, too (there's ol' brainy again). In doing so, I seemed to find things to fulfil this expectation - and thus the cycle continued (until I sat down, thought about it and broke the cycle). Worries are often based on the past - and this is something I've only just realised I think. When it all boils down to it, it's easy for us to blame past experiences for the way you're feeling now. Brooke Castillo offers some good advice on this (I've been listening to her a lot recently). She asks the question: Does that thought come from your past or from your possibility? Of course, anxious brain might want to say 'well, ok - but something could POSSIBLY go wrong. True - but something could also POSSIBLY go right. My brain (I don't know about yours) seems to sometimes like to go to the wrong side - but here's a life changing question for you: What if things are just as likely to go better, rather than worse than what you expect? Now that's a new way of looking at 'what if' isn't it?

Is there a chance part of worrying about humiliation is the ego going 'oh look! Everything's going well, let's sabotage!'? I think this is something that can arrive after the initial excitement of being more authentic seems to disappear. I've been feeling a similar thing, I think. I guess, for me, I'm trying to remember that things are just things and can't hurt me unless I think about them in a way that lets them. My biggest worry of 2018 so far seems to be self-worth - how do you think this links in with humiliation?

37. That Red Flag Feeling Oh hello! What a throwback it is to be posting on here, it feels like it's been millennia! Oh, a week? Well... It's been a busy one, and a strange one. I had some stresses as my driving lessons went quite wrong, then right again, then worrying, then OK again. I've had some strange moments of self-doubt that have literally come from nowhere and resulted in me feeling pretty darn shit about myself for a while. In turn, I've been feeling quite tired and run down (probably because of these things rather than any illness or anything). But, I've also been continuing with work and doing pretty well at it. But the thing is, I hadn't been meditating, not at all. Contemplating, yes - but no sitting in silence meditating. After a particularly bad moment of self-doubt, and relying on my boyfriend to help rather than myself (of course, he DID help, but I should most certainly be looking inwards first, as I well know), I started exploring some work by Brooke Castillo. I've found her coaching model really helpful to apply to my own thoughts recently. And it's eye-opening to consider that things are just things that happen. How we react, think, feel about these are all, ultimately, choices. I think I knew that deep down, but it's been good to remember it. That's the sort of thing I've been contemplating, and in some depth actually. But today, I had a strange feeling, something I've now realised is a kind of red flag. It manifests in the form of the internal question 'why am I so stressed?' as well as 'I don't have it in me to do this'. The two are, on many levels, both complimentary and explanatory to each other. However, when felt together, it creates this kind of helpless, self-fulfilling frustrated, exhausting stress - and for no obvious reason often. So guess what, I decided to meditate again. It was a little interrupted, but just taking a few moments to get that clarity of mind back - to really be aware, to really focus on the facts and to really Know (with a capital K) that feeling of things being just things was extremely helpful. This is what I, and probably most other people, need to be doing every day. So why hadn't I been meditating? Well, it wasn't a conscious decision - but I think it definitely fits a pattern. When I need it most, I don't meditate. Because my ego is creating a force-field of resistance which grows ever stronger. It takes a lot of force to break that down, but once you do, and if you keep at it, you can keep the ego at bay and build strength from within. When you don't want to, or can't be bothered to meditate, that's another part of that red flag feeling, and it probably means that meditating is exactly what you should be doing. What I've been listening to:

36. Religion, Sexuality and Everything In Between I was brought up in a Christian household. Every Sunday we'd go to church and after a while I became a Christian. I fully believed the teachings of Christianity and while I still had questions that I wanted to answer, I was committed to this way of life. When I arrived at university two and a half years ago, I joined their Christian Union, and met a lot of friends - this was where I looked to feel at home and accepted. Last year, I was cast out of that group of friends, a lot of whom I still lived with during and after all this happened, as I had a girlfriend who wasn't a Christian, and before this, my questions had turned to doubts, which in turn had lead me to start to be a little more open minded about life in general. The union had been run in a very questionable way even before that, and some of the attitudes from people in executive decisions had made me feel very uncomfortable. So, in a way, I was glad to be away from that. Now, some of the eagle-eyed among you may have noticed that I have a boyfriend and am male. For years, and during everything mentioned above, I'd always had attraction to my own gender, more so than to any other. I'd convinced myself that this made me gay, and I'd also convinced myself that this was a bad, shameful thing because of my religious upbringing. I could, in fact, pinpoint my first anxiety attack to the date. The 22nd July 2013 (incidentally, and I think the reason I remember the date, the day Prince George was born). I was 16, and as a 16 year old boy might do, I was searching for some porn on my laptop. To my horror, I noticed that my regular sites had been blocked - but only those ones. So of course, I realised that my parents had somehow seen my browsing activity and blocked those sites. This meant they knew about my shameful secret. I still maintain to this day that what I felt then was perhaps one of the most traumatic experiences of my life so far. We've never spoken about this, ever, to this day - but suffice to say they probably weren't too surprised when I told them I had a boyfriend. Oh yeah - that's the other thing, I told them that. That was the thing I was most scared about in the entire world and I told them. My journey to self-acceptance started not long after 2013. At sixth form, I met some amazing friends who I'm still in touch with now. One of them was bisexual and began to show me that not being straight wasn't shameful at all - it also introduced me to the idea of what I might like to call 'non-binary sexuality', by which I mean not fully one thing or the other (ie, gay or straight) and not always the same moment on moment. I eventually 'came out' to her as bi myself, and towards the end of sixth form to a few more of my friends. I think I then backtracked a little at the start of uni, but then, as I said above, I began to question whether a religion that presents a loving front but yet judges people for the ways in which they love was perhaps the right way to go. Once I'd come to terms with this myself, and my sister had also come out to me, I began to realise that as long as I was OK with who I was, I could be that. So yes, I have finally told my parents. Being with my boyfriend showed me that it was totally worth being my authentic self, and reinforced that it was nothing to be scared or ashamed of. The number of times I'd come home from church feeling angry and upset, the number of times Christian teachings had put a voice in my head that had told me I wasn't worthy (something that a lot of religion actively teaches), the number of times I've been ashamed of who I authentically am because of religion - the more I think about it, the more these things alarm me. It was, in a lot of ways, poisonous to my state of mind. Not entirely though, there is a sense of community there that can be great (and sometimes not, as above) and there is also a sense of searching for something more in life - something which I really think should be encouraged. But now, as I begin to accept what I need to do with myself, where I need to put my focus, things seem to be getting ever better. Over the last year, I've changed so much, and begun a new lease of life. Meditation is a primary focus of mine and I finally (and quite quickly) came to terms with my sexuality. I've learned how to overcome feelings of anxiety and sit with feelings, accept myself more. And then, just as all this was beginning to kick off, I met my boyfriend, who reinforces these values of mindfulness, acceptance, love and authenticity every single day. I'm now wanting to become a more authentic version of myself, for myself and not anybody else. I feel a new kind of inner strength, supported by love from those around me. But gosh, all of that long typing was just a preamble to what I wanted to say today - so I'll try to make it quick. Today's meditation session became more of a contemplation one. Having spent a day at home with my family yesterday and after having some difficult conversations with them about religion towards the end of last calendar year, I began to feel a sense of guilt about rejecting part of what they'd taught me and valued so highly as I grew up. This has been a recurring feeling sometimes for me. It's not that I feel like any part of my life is wrong - it's just feeling bad for them. But then, I need to remember what I said earlier - I am doing this for myself - and that's the most important thing. And in doing that, everything's not going to be plain sailing, but also in doing that, I'm going to start understanding more and more that this is really OK. In fact, the outcome that I came to after contemplating for half an hour was to write this journal entry as way to sit with and delve more into what has happened to lead to this feeling and what I might try to focus on in order to deal with it. I think it's safe to say it's helped. It's amazing what can happen when you take some time out to think. And in terms of this, it's shown me how far I've come (the fact that I'm now totally fine and able to talk about all this), how happy I am and how much further I can go and, perhaps most importantly, that there's always more reason to be inquisitive and to learn - so where better to start than myself? What I've been listening to:

35. What Love Tells Me (To Love the Night Again) Picture the situation - it's night, I'm tired, and I've had a busy day. I'm a little stressed, warn out, and looking forward to getting to bed - but first I have to walk home. It's dark, and my mind is active but the day has run out of things for it to think about. It can be hard, in times like this, to be mindful. Sometimes my brain wants me to worry about things which really aren't issues. As such, night time can sometimes be a bit scary. Not in a sort of terrifying way, but in a tense type of way. I may end up feeling a little alone or sorry for myself, for example. But yesterday I was sitting in a car, it was night and there was music on. To my right sat the driver, my boyfriend. We sat, we smiled, we just were. We talked and we felt love for each other. And I realised something - my brain might tell me one thing, but love tells me to look for my true self. And in feeling love, it's possible to find reflections and pointers towards what really matters. In loving my boyfriend, I see qualities in him that point to authenticity, and in turn this helps me to see them in myself. To have another person love you authentically for who you really are, underneath everything - that's something incredibly powerful, incredibly special. And for me to have that one specific someone by my side, to know that we do this for each other gives me so much joy and hope. I truly believe that he is a wonderful, wonderful person, and to have wonderful people in your life helps point towards everything else in the world that's also wonderful, including yourself. And this is only part of the joys of what loving him has done over the past few months. The night time, now, if not a time to spend with him (which is the best way to spend it, in my humble opinion) is a time to be inspired, content and inquisitive. My brain tells me to (over)think, love tells me to love. Love tells me to love the moment, the person, the feeling, the time. Not to be soppy, but I do truly, deeply love my boyfriend - all of him, including his deepest authenticities, and to feel that is so profound - it's teaching me to do the same for myself! Love tells me I can feel this way throughout all of my life. Love tells me that I can love the night again. What I've been listening to: (Described by the composer to represent 'What Love Tells Me')

34. What I Needed It turns out a day of resting was exactly what I needed - after a quick trip to the supermarket which is only a five minute walk away from my house, I began to feel incredibly fatigued. It's not like sleepy tiredness, more like physical tiredness and brain fog. After a bit of a sit down, some food and a lovely chat to the BF, I decided that I really needed to venture out again to get some books from the library. Now, as I was aware that 10 minutes of walking did me in earlier in the day, this was a bit of a worry. However, once I got going, things were actually ok. The fresh air was doing me good and it felt good to be productive. This spurred me on to doing the best day of dissertation writing I've done yet, and as it's worked out that I had no other responsibilities today, it was especially good to just focus on one thing. In fact, the universe seems to know this was exactly what was required, as my only hour in uni tomorrow was cancelled earlier in the day, meaning that tomorrow can be essentially the same. I still have a driving lesson, but then again an focus on my work. Yes, I'm missing a few of the extra things that I normally do at this point in the week normally, but in order to reset and re-focus, even if there is a massive psychological element to how I'm feeling at the moment, I think it's worth it. It's also true to say that I'm not feeling 100% still, but I do feel surprisingly better than expected at this point in the day. Ready for bed, yes. Ready to collapse? No. So that's progress! A 'day off' in this sense really needs to not be an excuse to totally tune out. In fact, it should be more of an opportunity to tune IN and be even more mindful. This is something I need to remember for tomorrow, as although I have been aware for a lot of the day, there have been long portions of it where I probably couldn't tell you what I achieved at all, no matter how small. What's needed now, I feel, is another day of chill but one which is full of awareness. There will still be things to do, things to focus on - but also in the moments in between, I am going to try to appreciate what I can, explore the sense of being. I'm pleased, in a way, that the end of this week has worked out like this, as it's given me chance to reflect, lift some of the fog and get my body ready for the world again. Obviously work is going to be tough for a few weeks as I have a massive deadline approaching, so that's to be expected. I am also obviously a little concerned that this may end up being a long-term issue. Although that's not the case at the moment and I feel I am doing what's best in terms of making sure that's not the case. So today, perhaps, was what I needed to get myself battle-ready. What I've been listening to:

As a witness to your work, this makes so much sense! It's like everything's slotted into place, the way you describe these values now

33. Rest Today has been some kind of an 'infodump' day for me. Firstly, I had a session with my dissertation supervisor who basically told me that all the work I've done over the past week needs to be redone, and then lots of information about why. I then went for another cello lesson, and as I will probably only go every 3 weeks or so, each one is very much full of information. It was a bit stressful to find out so much needed to be done, especially with my dissertation, but I eventually sat down and worked out a viable plan - and one that didn't work me as hard, importantly. I had, I think, by this point understood that perhaps I am asking an unnecessarily large amount of myself. I had set to finish my dissertation by next week - leaving four weeks before the deadline! On reflection this was ridiculous, and overworking myself for no reason - perhaps I had taken too far the idea of deferred gratification, thinking about how relieved I'll feel when it's all over earlier than required. However, really, this was just my way of bringing what I wanted closer to the now and overworking myself in the process. Instead, I need to find a balance between determination and practicality. There's no use wanting to control a situation that much that becomes impractical. As I started to realise this, I began to realise how physically tired I was (on my way to my cello lesson). Perhaps it's because of the illness, perhaps it's just because I am now aware that the illness can have that effect, perhaps it's because I am overdoing it. Perhaps, and probably, it's a bit of all of those. Whatever it is though, it only got worse. I still managed to have a really good cello lesson, in fact, I still managed to totally boss today, just perhaps in ways I hadn't expected. But I am now home with a very clear sense that this tiredness will end up being detrimental to my progress if I'm not careful (as I touched upon yesterday). I was considering making the rest of the week a little calmer - not going to some extra-curricular stuff, that kind of thing, but then I heard that I wasn't required at tomorrow's rehearsal in uni itself, and so this has given me a perfect opportunity for rest. I will still get up, I will still type away and all that, but I will do it in a way which gives me space to really listen to my body and know how it's feeling, and a way which helps me to recover. I think rest is important and shouldn't be frowned upon, but it shouldn't be an excuse if things seem difficult. This is the dilemma I've been faced with this evening, but I decided that a day of rest tomorrow is what's needed for my body and therefore ultimately my mind, and that I can still push myself in terms of work at the same time. What I've been listening to:

32. Introspection What a strange old day. If I were to detail it to you now (which I'll spare you), it might seem like a really good one, definitely at least on balance. The problem with the brain though, sometimes, is that it like to latch onto negativity. Aside from the positive achievements of the day, I failed, for the second time, in a promise I'd made to myself and for someone else (the details of which probably aren't appropriate to go into here - sorry!). To make this mistake once was frustrating, but a mistake nonetheless. The worst aspect about this second time, for me, was that I appear not to have learned from the first time. I've made a request to be accountable to someone for this now, I'll see what they say when they get back to me. So I've taken action, and now I'm really determined to get it right. I just feel, perhaps, like I have let more than just myself down by not being present and aware that I was making mistakes (again). However, I've just given this very same advice to someone *else* so I will now give it to myself: there's no use dwelling on the past. Getting it right from now on is what's important, and the way to do that is get it right moment to moment, in the present. And I'm strangely OK with this. Last night, I spoke to my boyfriend about some worries and negative feelings I was having and he took my through a method of self-coaching which illustrates that outcomes all come from you, having had the thoughts which trigger them in the first place in reaction to a situation. We didn't get chance to reach a convincing outcome with this for how I was feeling, and so I was encouraged to do some introspection today. So, for the first time ever, i set my timer on my phone to 30mins, weirdly the longest I've ever meditated for, and sat in total silence. At first, everything seemed rather tangled, but in the end I think I started to get to the bottom of why today, even though it's been great, has left me feeling perhaps a little down. It all goes back to my concept of self-worth. I don't think I initially wanted this to be the case, because that would essentially mean that I'm making other people's problems 'all about me', but really that's ok, because that's not the issue here. At first, I thought I had spotted a link between everything that was preying on my mind - they made me feel 'not good enough'. But I was wrong, that wasn't the case at all. The link was that I thought they made me not good enough. I think that's a very important distinction. And, just as the coaching model my boyfriend introduced me to yesterday might suggest, it is my thought that I am not good enough that I am 'choosing' to do, leading to the feeling, leading to any actions I might take in response to that which I'm not happy with. Another piece of advice this wonderful man gave me, which I have spoken about here before - 'Try out some different beliefs - which one sits with you best?'. So that's what I did. I tried believing that, in fact, I was good enough. And that really was a very freeing experience. I am good enough, I just sometimes make mistakes - those mistakes don't define me, they don't stay with people like they sometimes do with me. I'm not my mistakes, I'm not my thoughts, I'm not my feelings. My mistakes are mine to learn from, my thoughts are mine to have, my feelings are mine to understand. And it's not a case of which belief is true - because that change in perspective makes it true. I can see where this belief has come from, and why it has stayed with me from over Christmas, but each time I feel it, I can get better at catching myself and reminding myself of the truth, and that's a great way to train your mind. Incidentally, and as a slight aside - I also realised during this introspection session just how physically tired I was. I think I was pushing through it and not fully realising, but with confirmation that I have only just really got over the worst of glandular fever, this makes a lot of sense. This tiredness has also been acting as a barrier to full awareness and alertness. Tomorrow, during the time I will set aside for self-reflection, I plan to find ways of dealing with tiredness (apart from, you know, sleeping.) And just as a final little addition, I realised that as I type these entries I'm pretty much always listening to some form of (normally classical) music. Sitting, writing and listening is my present moment right now, so why not share that moment in as much of its entirety as I can? Whenever I'm listening to music, I'll try to remember to post it below, if for nothing else other than to remind myself of each moment. What I've been listening to:

31. Deviations from a Still Point There is a still point, somewhere, from which everything else originates. Some call it God, some call it the true Self, some call it both. That still point will always be there, no matter what else is going on around it or coming from it. This has been an important image for me to remember today. On paper, I've not been doing much, simply working, going to the shops, eating - that kind of thing. But within that, a number of things can seem like they have 'gone well' or 'gone wrong'. A few things went wrong this morning, one thing quite upsettingly so, but somehow, with this image in mind, I managed to continue as normal. Then, as the afternoon progressed, I did my work very successfully to the point where I am proud of my achievements for today. Great! But now, at the end of the day, I am sitting here with the things that went wrong this morning haunting me somewhat while other things build up in my consciousness. I need to realise - nothing is wrong right now, even though I may feel it. The good feelings I had earlier, the bad ones too, they were all just deviations from a still point. And that still point is there right now, just as it has been all day. At the moment, I have worries - some of which can get fixed pretty easily, some of which may take some time. They might fade in and out of consciousness and importance as I go about living my life but ultimately, there should be no need for me to feel in control of my worries, as they do not need to be controlled. They are thoughts, mental dramas - nothing more. The truth is what is being lived now, and that will always be the case. Anything else is just a deviation. The still point is where I want to be at.

30. What Benefits Me? 'Ah, the weekend - time to get lots of work done!' I think some part of my irrational mind believes that weekend days have more hours in them than other days, because today I set myself an absolute tonne to do before I went and enjoyed an evening at the opera. It should come as no surprise, then, when I say that I didn't get it all done. For a while, I felt a bit bad about this, wishing I'd achieved more. In the end, however, it transpired that when I listed my achievements for the day, they were pretty extensive! Furthermore, I have to ask myself about where the benefits are coming from. As someone who wants to make a career out of musical engagement, going to the opera and then writing a review of it was hugely beneficial AND enjoyable to me, but for some reason because it wasn't credited university work, initially my brain decided it wasn't a worthwhile activity. Yes, there's lots of pressure to do well, and do it on time at the moment and so time management is super important, if not vital. But the trick to it is to be satisfied with what you have done and are doing rather than always thinking about what needs to be done next, because if you only do that, nothing gets done with enough love and attention and probably isn't as good or exciting as you can make it. Quality not quantity, and all that. What's more, the work that you do might not be 'visible' to others. Your effort might go unnoticed. Well, to be frank, good! That means you aren't showing off with it, it means you're focused. Of course, the frustration may come when to other people it looks like you're being lazy or not applied to much, but the question you have to answer, ultimately, is 'what benefits me?', not: - What benefits them? - What LOOKS like it benefits me? - What avoids negative impact on me/others? - What was I going to do today? or even - What do other people want me to do? All of these questions give a motivation which skips around that real, core progress. And actually, what I've done today has been real progress, and once I've realised that, it's been a lot easier to feel damn satisfied.

29. Against the Odds? I have six weeks in order to complete my dissertation. It sounds scary when I say it like that! But if these past years at university have taught me anything it's how to have confidence that I will manage to produce the goods in the end. But also, after a visit to the doctors today it turns out that I may have had glandular fever for a while (not, in fact, tonsillitis). Tests have been sent off and I'll find out if this is the case within a week, and in a sense I hope it is the case because if not, my symptoms may point to more serious things. But that's not the point, and I'm not worried about that for now. The point is, I've been ill and having minor but significant symptoms for a while and because of my mindset, I've pressed on and not let them get the better of me. Now, this is actually quite significant to me when I think about it, because not only has it allowed me to get on with work more than if I had convinced myself I was ill, but it's also shown to me how much my mindset has changed. Before, any discomfort would have been at the forefront of my mind, both physical and emotional. Obviously, this may still be the case in severe circumstances, as would be biologically logical... bioLOGICAL... anyway... what I'm saying is, now I can see that I'm more able to focus on the task at hand a lot more fully. Anything else I am still aware of, but does not have the power to distract me or change my state of mind. This doesn't happen all the time - no way - but it happens far more often than it used to, and I've found that really encouraging. In six weeks, probably the most major deadline of my entire life will be upon me - and who knows what might happen in that time, but over those six weeks and beyond, I am going to make a commitment to, wherever possible, be more aware of this state of mind. If I know that it's possible for me to focus and do well, I am more likely to do that. What's so exciting about focusing more on self-enquiry is that it works as an iterative process and begins to snowball, and that even when the odds seem like they might have been stacked against me, not only has this not phased me but I've got through it with a greater understanding of myself that will really benefit me in future.

28. Complaining about Injustice Some things do irritate me, mainly things which I perceive to be unfair. I think many people might echo that sentiment. If it's an injustice towards someone else, it's possible to even feel righteous in your irritation. And it's even worse when it's an injustice towards myself, because then that creates a sense of self-righteousness, a sense of self-entitlement. 'It's not fair', I say, 'It's not what I deserve!'. Well, here's a slap across the face to myself - yes it is. You don't deserve everything or everyone to be perfect and do exactly what you want or expect, nobody does - because it isn't possible. In fact, a sense of deserving roots from the same place in the brain as a sense of worry in that it's a perceived future event that plays out in your head and not real life. When it does play out and it's different, it's very easy to say that what happened wasn't fair. Sometimes, yes, as events take place, they can be a little uncomfortable, tricky or perhaps even unpleasant, but the focus should be on dealing with that if possible rather than feeling personally like you deserve better or taking an uncomfortable event personally. In fact, the same can be said about injustices to others. If you can help, do - it's the right thing to do. But don't attack how unfair the situation is, just mend it, otherwise time is wasted and nobody is helped. Sometimes, often, if there's nothing that can be done realistically, then work on accepting and living within the situation you've been dealt, rather than feeling sorry for yourself. And if I'm addressing this to anybody, it's myself. If there is one thing I need to work on right now more than anything, it's this. I complain and get annoyed by injustices all the time, on all sorts of scales - sometimes even subconsciously. Everything I've just said above sounds quite harsh, but I think that's only because we're trained to develop a sense of entitlement that isn't realistic. Something that brought this to mind recently was a conversation with my boyfriend in which I complained about something totally irrelevant to him and pretty inconsequential to myself as well, clearly wasting both of our times and to no avail, and straight afterwards I realised that there had been no point in what I was saying whatsoever, and that actually it was even inconsiderate! Of course, him being as lovely as he is, didn't get annoyed (I guess that would have started a vicious cycle anyhow!) but instead in a few sentences showed me that my perception of the situation was skewed - that I was attacking what I thought was unfair rather than solving what was actually the problem. And if I cast my mind back, this is something I do all too regularly. If I am going to have one February resolution, it's to catch myself doing this and sort it out. Nobody likes a grumbler, and besides - solving actual problems in the most efficient way possible is far more rewarding for everyone!

27. January So, we reach the end of the first month of the year. I'm not sure about you, but it feels both as though it's absolutely flown by and also taken a very long time. A lot has happened, both practically and emotionally for me this month. I've dealt with facing up to big changes in my life, dealing with re-surfacing feelings of worry, and a lot of uni work just to name a few things - but as I sit here reflecting on what in some ways has been a tough month, I can confidently say I am all the better for it. Just today I was talking with a housemate of mine who was worrying about a situation (sorry, don't want to be too specific) and I found myself realising things about my own thought processes. Most notably, and my boyfriend will certainly attest to this, I apologise for little things way too much. Why do I do this? Well, today I realised - it's not because I don't think people would forgive me, it's because I won't forgive myself. But what's the point in that? I think January has been the month of realising that there isn't one, among many other things. Even the 'bad' stuff has been worth sitting and dealing with, as this has created a good outcome - but there has been some amazing stuff this month too. I feel closer than ever to my boyfriend, back on a roll with my work, like I've actually got somewhere to aim to be by the end of this calendar year and most notably right now, I started this journal! It's really helped me document how I've been thinking and feeling, and is not just a therapeutic process (nearly) every evening, but it's also helped problematic thought process not recur as often, as I've been able to check back and remind myself of what's really important. My meditation has changed a bit, with a focus on a specific visualisation exercise rather than just sitting in silence (for now, as I plan to learn more skills to incorporate into my 'silence' eventually) and I am hoping this will continue to inspire me! I've also taken on new musical challenges, and while really has been just that, a challenge, to get going, I'm really starting to enjoy myself. This has given me a strong feeling of 'I can do it!' and has lead me to very much look forward to next month. Next month, right now, looks as though it will bring more musical opportunities and fun in new areas as well as really solidifying the things I've learned this month. I've got a concert planned with two orchestras and couple of visits with my boyfriend to look forward to as well as more cello lessons and chances to write about and compose music. January has shown me that challenges can be seen in a positive light, and that exciting things can happen both when you do and don't expect them to. This, I hope, is how I plan to continue.

26. Too Busy? I had a busy day planned for myself today, and it was always going to be a bit full on. However, this morning I received an email with some feedback for a section of my dissertation, and suffice to say there was more work to do on it than I had originally anticipated. That plus everything else I was going to do on my dissertation plus everything else I had planned today made for a very busy day indeed. I went shopping, had a rehearsal, had a driving lesson, cleaned most of the house (!), practised my cello and did some dissertation coursework, as well as meditating and doing this journal. In fact, just now having sat down to meditate was the first proper rest I've had since 9am this morning! All of this business has lead me to a number of small realisations. Firstly, in a day of lots of things, not everything can go well, but not everything will go wrong either. In that sense, I guess, it's sort of a microcosm for the sorts of things a person might do in their entire life, rather than just in a day. My rehearsal and cleaning and shopping went very well today, and have left me feeling very satisfied. Doing my uni work and practise were successful and added to this feeling of satisfaction, but I guess they could have been better - and my driving lesson was pretty abysmal, partly for reasons beyond my control. However, as I moved on from one thing to the next, I tried to remind myself to focus on the task at hand rather than reflecting in either a positive or negative sense on the activity just gone, as well as rather than preparing for the next thing. This worked quite well, as I was able to take on each new task with a sense of renewal rather than carrying over whatever baggage came from the last. My second small realisation was that perhaps it's possible to do too much. While I am siting in bed now feeling like I had a satisfying day, I am aware that a lot of work is still needed to be done on what I started today, and as I got towards the end of the day, especially with my cello practise and meditation, my energy levels were depleted and I couldn't concentrate fully on the task at hand, cutting them both short. While I could have spent twice as long on both in order to master what I was working on, still focusing on making some progress with them allowed the fact that I did them to remain beneficial. I'm glad I did the work, but wish I could have spent longer and used more energy on them. Also, I have ended the day with a bit of a headache and feeling probably too tired, rather than just a 'satisfied' amount of tiredness. So, tomorrow, I am planning on having a slightly less busy day. In the evening, I am going to see a film with my housemates which will be a nice break, but in the day I am going to concentrate on a smaller number of tasks for longer. It's difficult to always arrange things to be this way at university as a lot of what I have to do is out of my control - but I do believe that two hours working on something is more productive than two one hour slots on different days, so this is the approach I plan to take.

25. Those Quiet Moments It has been interesting so far today to contemplate when I am at my most creative. I think I've been doing this as a response to yesterday's development. I have just been on a walk, and it was during the walk that a few creative ideas just seemed to come to me. I then sat down to meditate, and sure enough, as if by magic, Andy Puddicombe framed the exercise by explaining how normally ideas seem to come to us when we are of a relaxed, more open state of mind that does still require some degree of awareness. It's not when we're sat down trying to logically think through things that the solutions often make themselves known. Again, this reinforces my theory that creativity requires a certain open-mindedness, but maybe a sort of open-mindedness that come naturally, rather than one you're trying to force upon yourself. In those quiet moments when it's possible to simply be present with just being yourself - like just before bed, or in the shower, or on a walk - these are the times when arguably you are closest to your authentic self - just perhaps not fully aware of it. More and more recently, I've started to catch myself in these moments and be a little inquisitive. I think it's when there is not much else going on that the true self shines through more clearly. Perhaps other people may notice this more clearly if they were in the room with me, but then again, perhaps if they were it might negate the whole idea of the quiet moment in the first place. Either way, this person that's always there beneath the layers of everything else is the person I'm looking for in my quest for greater self-awareness. It's good to know where to look, and what can help point me in the right direction. And, perhaps even more importantly, it's exciting to know that there's such a strong link between this process and that of creativity. Stripping back the layers, accepting those quiet moments and waiting, not looking, for answers not only helps the creation of new things, but the understanding of things which have been there for a very long time. And when you think about it - how different are those two things anyway?

@Liam Johnson Ah yeah, so I guess a balance is needed so that the music on the inside is correct and can be portrayed on the outside, but to do that you need to have the can do attitude!

@Liam Johnson I often feel like most of my music making is a case of pretending I can do it until I don't need to pretend any more. I kinda feel like there are two ways to think about practise, 'I can't do it' which means you work on details till you can, but leads to frustration and 'I am doing it' which may be inaccurate but with the right attitude to the music, the details will come until the statement is accurate. I guess that applies to most things in life, too!

24. Creativity Let today be a lesson to my past and potential future self. Worry may have grounding in truth, but it hardly ever reflects it. Worry is a drama we create in our minds that does not represent reality. If we worry about being tense, that is where the tension comes from. Away from that tension there's clarity, and that can be observed if you make the choice to want it. Today has been far more successful than I could have imagined. Going back to earlier this week, none, not one, of the things I'd been worrying about has come to fruition. This just highlights to me how much energy was wasted on things that never actually happened. In my meditation sessions I've begun to focus on the idea of clarity and light as visual images of my own creativity, and the realisation that that clarity is always there and just need to be perceived has had a real impact on me today. In fact, I have completed two days' work in one as I began composing some music for my uni course. Sure, what I've got is a mere draft - but as I was outlining what I was doing and then filling in the gaps, the creation of the music seemed absolutely effortless. Even though I've incorporated everything that I wanted to, it felt like all of that was already there, and I was merely expressing it. This clarity, then, perhaps holds the key to creativity. You could argue the case for a muse, our creative counterpart, guiding the expression of elements already in existence, just channelled through you. You could argue that focus clears the way to more clearly see what needs to be seen in order to create. Whatever it is that you want to argue, it's interesting to make the distinction between two types of creativity I think. The first is this idea of the troubled genius - one who revels in their misfortune in order to create gritty, hard-hitting and meaningful pieces of art. Beethoven is a stereotype I might think for this sort of thing. The second is this idea of the peaceful creator, one in touch with their own self in order to create (or perhaps, taking on this idea of the muse, express) something incredibly pure, yet incredible stimulating. For example, Mozart. However, I think I'm starting to see that this distinction might not exist as we imagine it. Beethoven, for example, in the midst of massive personal crises and totally losing his hearing, wrote a symphony about joy. A true troubled genius, surely, would not do such a thing. I think that creativity depends on access to clarity and purity to some extent. It depends on the person being able to truly access and accept their emotions. To that end, creativity and mindfulness really aren't worlds apart. Not only can searching for peace and clarity open the gateway to creativity, but to revel in your own creativity will help to light the way back during times when it's not so easy.

23. This Time Is Different In my experience, if I expect to have a bad experience, it's normally not as bad as I think. I know this. So why is it, then, that I will allow myself to worry, almost as if I didn't. Anxiety has itself a survival purpose but in this society we've created it can be extremely unhelpful. Today, just before I arrived home on the train I suffered what can only be described as a mini panic attack. There were probably a lot of factors which all fed into this, but I definitely was feeling anxious about arriving back home. However, and you may have seen this coming - so far it's no been so bad. In fact - it's been good! Two things have crossed my mind about this. Firstly, in my short time away I built up my memories of experiences here to be worse than they actually were, so as to build up more dread than was required. And secondly, that my expectation of experience is often wildly over the top compared to what actually happens. It's quite easy to say in the calm after the storm that everything will be ok in the end - it's in the moment that really needs the work. In the moment today, I felt like I'd properly regressed back to times when I really wasn't in a good place, probably fuelling the fire for even more panic. However, it was only afterwards that I realised (or maybe a more appropriate word would be 'remembered' in this instance) that this time is different because I know how to cope. This time is different because I know I can get through it. This time is different because I am far more able to sit down and reflect. I am no longer putting pressure on myself to feel better, only reminding myself to sit with how I am feeling, no matter what that is. This is such a radically different approach, and it harbours radically different results. Instead of adding fuel and creating a never-ending feedback loop of pressure, it breaks the cycle completely. I'd even go as far as to say that from the same place of panic and anxiety, I am now able to do in an hour what it took me six months to do nearly two years ago. So yes, it's probably time that I stopped beating myself up about the fact that unpleasant things can happen in the world and the mind. It's not my fault, and it's not in control of me. If this recent, but brief and improving, repetition of the past is to teach me one thing, it's that I can get through it. This time, it will be very different indeed.

22. Mindfulness in the Everyday These past few days I haven't sat down to meditate, but weirdly, I think I'm all the better for it. I've known it for ages, but I think I am beginning to properly get to grips with the idea that you don't need to be meditating to be mindful. In fact, when you aren't sat down focusing on one thing or one type of thing for a long period of time, there's a lot of world to be mindful of and enjoy. I think maybe yesterday's slight 'sensory overload' experience can be attributed to the fact that I was becoming more in tune with this. And, like anything, with practise it is a skill which I will hugely benefit from as it gets more refined. Instead of meditating, I've been trying to use certain visualisation and mindfulness techniques on certain things and at regular intervals, and the results have been quite significant, it's almost like I am beginning to cultivate the peace I feel when I'm meditating consciously into my everyday life. It's sort of like being mindful of mindfulness, I guess. The more I practise this, the more natural it will feel, I imagine! One of the techniques I've been using is a 'body scan', essentially being mindful of all of my body parts in turn. An unfortunate side effect of this is that I noticed a little bit of discomfort in my tonsils. Sure enough, upon looking in a mirror I noticed that one of them was quite swollen again, although there was no pain as when I had tonsillitis. It's hard not to wish that tonsil problems don't become a recurring theme of the year. I have an appointment with a GP in a week's time, so I'll keep everyone updated (I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats). This has been significant though, as last time I thought I had a recurring health problem it turned into actual proper serious health anxiety whereby I had genuinely convinced myself that I was going to die. It sounds ridiculous now, but that's exactly how I felt. I've had a few health problems in the past that have been quite serious, but were fine in the end. But experiencing them coupled with the general anxiety I'd felt was not a good mix at the time. Bringing mindfulness into the everyday though, while highlighting some form of a mild health problem, has brought into my consciousness the fact that I don't feel like this any more. As a result, I can feel pleased with the progress I've made over the last couple of years. So this weekend, I'm off home again for a family birthday. Instead of worrying, I will try to focus on the now - who knows how it might help or what it might uncover, but the bottom line is, it's the way I want to be thinking from now on.