Benjamin Jackson

67. Something to be Proud of Part of my work over the past few weeks has been practise and rehearsal for a contemporary music gig that was assessed. Although it didn't actually carry that much weight in terms of my actual degree, it was a very big challenge for me initially as I had never done anything like it. The first bit of music for it that I received looked almost impossible, and I spent many fraught hours in practise rooms wondering whether I'd actually be able to manage this or not. As such, the concert (which took place yesterday) provided me with not just an academic goal, but a personal one. It was time to prove to myself that I could do something 'impossible' if I put my mind to it. And my word, that I did. Yes, it took up a lot of my time. Yes, it caused a fair bit of stress. Yes, there were frequent moments when I doubted my abilities. But here I am, having performed probably my best yet in something I would have never dreamed of doing. The music isn't to everyone's taste - in fact it didn't used to be to mine! But work and involvement helped to change that. Here's the thing, all this so-called 'trouble' it caused me in my life was actually what made the experience so worthwhile. Not only did I manage to do well, but I learned skills and most importantly acquired new confidence levels that will now stay with me for life. The work isn't fully over yet (although in a week, I will have finished my degree!), but yesterday's concert is a prime example of something to be proud of. It's something that has shown me that hard work really can be worth it, even more so than I could have contemplated. So here it is, I've linked the video below. Fair warning, the opening 25 minutes are extremely bizarre, but it gets steadily more tame from then on in. Also, the mix isn't great for me, as I wasn't amplified or near any microphones, and the cello is relatively quiet in comparison to other instruments. In real life, though, I believe I could be heard a little more. Of course, contemporary music is not to many people's tastes, but I hope some of the beauty, complexity and challenges seem apparent. The pieces were certainly creative, and very rewarding to play. And all but one were world premiers! What I've been playing: https://livestream.com/uol/LSTwo-18/videos/174359581

66. April What a month (when is it ever not?) - if I had to sum it up simply, I'd say it's been a month of almost non-stop hard work. In the earlier part of the month, this hard work was intense, and then almost immediately had a pay-off. Perhaps I can learn from that with the hard work I'm doing at the moment. The payoff is not quite as immediate, but it's sure to be worth it once it comes along! It's also worth remembering, after I realised this at the start of the month, that it's not actually about the outcome at all, but about the process. If I am to attach a desired version of events as an outcome to the work I'm doing now, I am limiting the power of what I'm doing, and almost setting myself up to be disappointed. This is hard, because at the moment it feels like task after task, but there are moments of reprieve and chance to relax. It's my job now, for the next two weeks and the first half of the next month, to try to find the value in what I'm doing as I'm doing it, rather than waiting for the end to come around. In fact, next month is going to be the month I finish university forever! It's both scary and exciting. As much as I'm looking forward to some rest in between the occasional rehearsals I'll still have, I know it's important to set my sights to my future next month - looking for jobs, looking for pupils to teach etc... But for now, in the present moment, the lesson learned from April is relatively simple. Enjoy the moment, even if it's hard work - even if there's a lot going on. The outcome is not the be all and end all of existence. Neither, in fact, is the process - it is just part of what is happening to me. Who I am remains the same, and pretty soon, I reckon I'll have a lot to be proud of. What I've been listening to:

65. Dominating Mindsets Written yesterday while travelling. I’m not sure if you may have gathered from reading past posts on here, but my uni work really is very full on at the moment. In fact, I’m not ashamed to say that it’s stressing me out a fair bit. However, on Friday I received a mark that I’m really pleased with for a VERY hefty piece of work that counts for a lot of my overall grade, and I also travelled to my boyfriend’s to spend the weekend together, watch him do his thing in a show and celebrate half a year together! This is all, and was all, really great stuff. When I arrived on the Friday, I was exhausted and even felt a little bit ill, and this feeling continued well into the evening. It was only by the following evening that it began to fade, and I realised just how much these physical symptoms accompanied a stressful mindset. What I also noticed was just how long it took for this mindset and these feelings to disappear, even once I’d removed myself from the situations causing them and the pressure had been lifted. Now that I’m on the train back to university for another two solid weeks of work, that mindset and those feelings are coming back in some form (as well as, thankfully, a massive feeling of relief and happiness, as well as a renewed mindfulness which I can only conclude must be as a result of spending the weekend with my boyfriend, as this is often the case!). It’s really odd, then, that this exhaustion, the desire to focus on work and the stress that comes with it seems to be the dominant mindset, that lingers after the fact, and comes into focus before it. Although I was looking forward to this weekend, the positive feelings it produced didn’t arrive before the weekend did. And although I will still feel them afterwards, there’s a different mindset trying to fight its way into view. What I think might be happening here is that it’s possible to think and feel contrasting things at the same time, and that the brain likes to wallow in the ones it has had the most practise at (i.e., the negative ones). So, what we may feel is a mindset or a state of being that is dominating us might actually be one of many that is present at that present moment - it’s just that the brain is magnetised to it as it’s the easiest one to adopt to. Not most pleasant, but best practised (especially in the given situation at uni), perhaps. As these final two weeks begin to test me in new ways and ask new things of me, it’s important for me to remember that stressed is not the only way I could be feeling. On paper, I know that it’s an exciting time, time to show what I’m really made of. Old brainy wants there to be a different story. The good news is, it’s not my brain that’s living this life. It’s not my ego, it’s all of me. What I’ve been listening to:

64. On Discomfort My shins and my legs hurt and so does my left ear. This is because I worked very hard yesterday doing something I enjoy at Opera North - working backstage at a gig. For some reason, in that environment, the stresses (such as being given a massive shopping list for the artists an hour before they arrive) that I might presume would cause me a little bit of a panic don't seem to phase me as much. Perhaps it's because in this environment, I have a more clear sense of purpose. It's interesting to note that with that sense of direction, things that may seem 'bad' in everyday life become something that clearly serves a beneficial purpose. I think this is an important lesson in life - finding purpose can lead to a healthier perspective of the minutiae of everything else. When difficulties arise within the continued context of something larger, they don't need to be resisted as much. So basically, what I'm saying is that discomfort isn't all that it seems. Spending a day at home today with my nice but relatively messy housemates has forced me to think about this. One particular moment today involving a raw chickeny knife left on the dining table (which of course did cause a little panic and frustration) has reminded me that there are two approaches one can take to discomfort. Firstly, you can try to do something about it so that you're not as uncomfortable (you can move and clean the chicken knife). Secondly, though, and perhaps more importantly, you can learn to accept it. I think in society today there's perhaps too much emphasis on the first one, and not enough on the second. Both definitely have their place, but through trying to apply the second ideal to my life, I've come to realise the use of being 'ok' with the situation you're dealt. Discomfort can also be a sign of progress. After an intense workout, you're bound to ache. The same can be said mentally. When you've worked really hard at something or really focussed on your state of mind, the immediate aftermath may be mental discomfort. So as I start to recover from the few aches and tirednesses that have come from working especially hard, I'm trying to remember that it directly represents that something good and worthwhile has been done. Doing this good and worthwhile thing often means that the following discomfort becomes lesser with each repetition. I remember when I first joined university, getting trains used to stress me out. Now that I'm doing it pretty much every other week, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I've done my workouts, and dealt with the discomfort until it's all within my capabilities without a second thought. So as I'm sitting here now aware of the potential of discomfort but not feeling it especially, it seems like a great time to remind myself that it's all for a good cause. What I've been listening to:

63. Enjoying the Moment My word, I really am a busy bee at the moment! In fact, I've almost resigned myself to the fact that this is the busiest I've been so far in my life - what's keeping me going is knowing that around four weeks from now I'll have a lot to be proud of, hopefully. Suffice to say, the last two days have been full of ups and downs. Old issues from last term have arisen, I've had to take on a lot of responsibilities as well as continue with my work, I've had doubts about my abilities as well as moments when I've felt quite the opposite. I know I have a lot to do, that's a given - but it's about whether I let my perception of this cause overwhelm or not. I spent the entire day out of the house and in uni today, and by about lunch time, with so much on my mind to do, I began to almost panic about my workload, as well as the fact that later in the day I had a rehearsal which a lot of people had dropped out of, which had stressed me out too. To my past self's surprise, though, when I was actually at this rehearsal, even though attendance was poor, I somehow managed to really enjoy the moment. It wasn't the most productive rehearsal, but we (myself being a manager) managed to keep everyone happy and actually have a laugh. Perhaps it was something to do with the fact that while I was there, there was nothing else that I even could be doing - so I had no choice but to enjoy the moment. Or perhaps, after a day of stressing, my subconscious had settled with the fact that it had no choice but to take one thing at a time. The work and occasional struggle will continue, but I have no reminded myself that it's possible to enjoy the moment, even at times when you think that it's the least likely moment to be able to enjoy. I must keep reminding myself that although there will be many things to do and perhaps many stresses, there will also be many of these moments and opportunities over the next few weeks. What I've been listening to:

62. Two Sides of the Same Coin Yesterday I began a ten day course of meditating with the aim of examining perspective, and how it might be possible to perceive the same things you see day in, day out in new ways. This kind of thing encourages intrigue and open-mindedness, and I've found even during the course of a single day that, when I remember to be aware in a way which opens my perception to more things, there really is a lot that can feel wondrous and exciting that you might not expect. It was explained to me using the analogy of imagining that whenever you walk down the same street that you do every day, that you're on holiday and everything is new. However, on the flip side of this good practise is the vulnerability that it seems to have opened me up to. As it was anyway, I knew I was going to have a very busy and potentially quite pressurised few weeks. On top of this, a session in uni this morning ended up providing me with more work than I had bargained for. Coupling all of this with a heightened awareness and it was very easy to feel overwhelmed and over-faced, especially as today was the first day back, meaning that everything I had to do and all of my responsibilities began to become apparent to me in practical ways, and all at once. The two things are two sides of the same coin. Awareness can lead to overwhelm. It all leads back to what I was saying a few days ago about balance, and finding that mid-point, but another area which has been on my mind recently has been this idea of opposites, and how they come together. When I was discovering my stance on the LGBT community yesterday, I realised that my greatest strength - my desire to help others - was also in a way may greatest weakness, as if I feel I am not doing a good enough job, this can lead to anxiety, worry and self - doubt, the things I've struggled with the most. It's like Superman and Kryptonite, and I think everyone has their Kryptonite, and I think everyone's Kryptonite is a direct result of their super power. The key, I believe, is balance. It's not about blotting out your strengths for fear that they make you too vulnerable to harm, or may harm you themselves, it's about being aware of the two sides of the coin that come with it, and trying to embrace the duality of it. Goodness is only goodness because it has an opposite. It just depends on which side of the coin you choose to show to the rest of the world, and probably most importantly, to yourself. What I've been listening to:

61. My Place There are a number of things I identify as, and I try to live truly to all of them. This morning, after a thought provoking conversation with my boyfriend last night about the role of gay pride events and how we might (or might not) relate to them and resonate with their purpose, having never been to one I decided to ask one of my close friends what it's actually like to go to one, as I knew they were passionate about LGBT culture. My conversation with them kind of stressed me out if I'm honest, as they were very keen to point out how serious matters were, and that without things such as equal rights movements, people have died for a number of reasons. I then began to feel as though I had a massive responsibility to help with this cause, having not even really worked out my place in all of this. Suffice to say, I was quite confused an overwhelmed. I tried sitting and contemplating on the matter, but as my mind was so busy, this didn't seem to be getting me anywhere, merely highlighting the confusion. So, for the first time, I tried writing down thoughts as I had them on my computer. Now, I know that putting things into words can oversimplify situations, but it was an attempt at merely ordering and understanding my own thoughts. I ended up with about a three page document about what I'd been thinking, in order. There was a lot on there, but on closer inspection the topics I covered and what my thoughts were about them were relatively simple. There were still unanswered questions and things I wasn't sure of, but if there weren't, where would be the fun in that? One of the most striking things to come out of this exercise was that I personally didn't feel as though going to, for example, a gay pride event would help me personally in any way - but after having heard stories and done a bit of research this morning I realised that the reason why I'd be interested in going in the first place was for the sake of other people. Now, I know it's important to focus on yourself more than others, but I began to realise that, as my purpose in life seems to me at this moment to be helping and facilitating people realise their skills and love themselves for what they are and can do, I realised that having been through shame myself over sexuality, I was in a good position to incorporate this into my vision of how I might be able to help people. My place doesn't need to be pre-defined in cultures and conventions that already exist, but studying them, learning about them and being aware of them can facilitate understanding of my own individual role to play. Sure, I've made no commitments or even conclusions yet, but I've been pointed down an unexpected path - one which somewhere inside me has excited me and seems to fit with everything I already knew about myself. Moments and revelations like this are exciting, and I'm intrigued to see where it might take me next. What I've been listening to:

60. Balance I have just been watching some stand up from one of my favourite comedians, James Acaster. In it, he talks about the pose that everyone does when they have their photo taken in front of the leaning tower of Pisa. You know, the one where they are pretending to lean against it and hold it up, but it's all a perspective trick. For some reason, during my meditation straight afterwards, that image stayed with me. I began to realise that in a sense, that was how I was feeling. I've just arrived back at uni for just over a month's worth of very solid work before the work for my degree is all over for good. In a way, although I felt like I was ready for it, I was really feeling ready to push against it, to try and prop it all up by falling in the opposite direction. And so, as per usual, this brought me to the idea of resistance. The minute that something you are resisting can be fully accepted, the less uncomfortable it becomes, and this is something I've been starting to really get the hang of over the last year or so. However, it's the spotting it in the first place that's the real challenge. Once I'd realised that I had an image of me 'tacking' the next few weeks head on, and tried to change that to a more immersive, open minded and holistic image, my feeling about what I had to do changed. And this is to me a great example of how balance can be found. When I was struggling with anxiety as a real ongoing issue (quite a while ago now, I'm pleased to say) I would often try to remind myself that I was not my feelings, and that they did not dictate or define me in any way. After a while, I began to really take this on board, and it's been great advice which I continue to remind myself of today. On the flip side, there's not being aware of your feelings or emotions at all due to distractions or just an unwillingness, be it conscious or subconscious, to face up to them in any way. It's so easy to sit on one side and view the other as bad without realising the potential damage of where you are yourself. For example, if I had an assignment to do, I could be stressing out a lot about it (the side I tend to naturally gravitate towards, if I'm honest), and the recurring thought of 'well I really can't afford to get distracted from this' reinforcing that stress somewhat. On the other hand, I could be putting the assignment off, not getting anything done at all with the recurring thought of 'well I really can't afford to get stressed out by this', which would only reinforce my situation. Balance, then, is rather apparently the place somewhere in the middle. The interesting thing I've noticed about balance is that yes, it is a fine line sometimes. But when we seek it, we often set out with the intention of finding that fine line. We look really hard. And I'm not all that convinced that that's the best approach. After all, in physics, balance is something that occurs naturally, often without having to look for it. As we are walking around living out daily lives, there are many angles we could lean our bodies towards which would lead to us falling over and being unbalanced, but for those of us who can, we normally stay upright without putting too much thought into it, even though the majority of bodily angle options would suggest that more often than not, we'd fall over. I think it might be quite similar when looking at the mindsets I discussed above. Instead of over-analysing our situation, and instead of ignoring it, there's a sense of awareness between the two states which I think, if we let it (and we hardly ever do) the mind might gravitate towards more naturally. Resistance might push us one way or another, but recognising that resistance is key to accepting our natural and balanced position. Instead of trying to desperately prop ourselves up, or something we're dealing with, perhaps standing and being is the answer, even when the tower looks like it might be about to fall on you. After all, it's never fallen yet. What I've been listening to:

59. My Plate I feel like I probably have quite a lot on my plate at the moment. People often use that expression to validate feelings of stress and being overwhelmed, but I am determined not to let that happen as a long term issue. Yes, sometimes I do feel like that and I did spend a while today feeling like that, however, I'm finding new ways to allow my default position, as it were, to be otherwise. This afternoon, for example, I felt a little overwhelmed. I had a plan of what I needed to do (I have a lot of uni work to do in a relatively short space of time) but was waylaid as I remembered that I had to curate the programme for a concert I'll be in next month, which involved contacting composers and all sorts of people. After I'd done that, I was running out of time to do what I wanted to do (so didn't to what I wanted to do to as great an extent as I wanted - still with me?) and what with my family expecting me to help with meal preparation as well, things all got a bit much. It never ended up being a problem though - and it's in situations like these that I'm starting to realise just how far I've come. Once upon a time I may have kicked off or allowed myself to feel so stressed that nothing of what I wanted to get done got done at all, thus perpetuating the belief that I can't get things done that I want to get done. *breathes*. As it happened, I found new and inventive ways of completing today's tasks. Instead of practising a contemporary cello piece for an hour, I managed to do about 30 mins of actual playing and then worked through my sheet music, highlighting points of interest and different colours/dynamics that I needed to produce with different highlighters. This means that next time when I sit down to play, what I need to be playing will be far more clear to me and I will very probably have a much more productive practise session. So actually, when I have a lot on my plate, I am learning that I can make it work to my advantage in some respects. Sure, there are steps a person can take to make sure they have just the right amount of stuff on their plate so that they are achieving just the right amount of things by putting in just the right amount of work and it balancing perfectly in their lifestyle, but that's not always how it works. With uni, and with family circumstances, much of this is out of my control at the moment anyway, so it feels good to reflect on it and explore ways through it in a positive way. What I've been listening to:

58. 'Desired' Outcome? So did it all go OK? Did I get what I wanted? Was that even what it was all about? What was the outcome I desired? Well, I've been practising really hard recently at really adopting the belief that what will be will indeed be, be that in a positive or negative situation. If things go badly, that happened for a reason and there is still a lot I can take away from that experience. If things go well, I'd be able to enjoy them and take away what I'd learned. Of course, I had my frustrations during the process this time around but the performance itself went the best I could have hoped for. But that's not what was important - that was just what we were told we were aiming for. This experience, one in which I spent a lot of time and energy putting myself out there in a way I never had before, allowed me to feel more confidence in myself as a musician in a brand new way. I thoroughly enjoyed something I never thought I'd be capable of - and that's what I really want to take away. But here's the thing - when people say that they hope something such as a concert goes well, what do they really mean? What does that constitute? I would say, on the surface and also on many levels, yes, it went well. As far as I was aware, the music was played largely accurately and with conviction, together and relatively in tune. All good. And as far as I could tell the experience was enjoyable and meaningful to performers and audience alike. Was it perfect? By no means. Was it ever going to be? By no means. Is anything ever perfect? By no means. Well... I say that... it depends how you define perfect. As an example, even though I enjoyed ever minute of performing, I was very aware of things that I was doing that could be improved on. Why would I focus on that? Well, it's certainly not so that I can beat myself up about them later - it was actually all in the vein of what the whole week had been about - improving as a musician. So, for example, when I began playing the first (shortish) piece, I noticed that the hand holding my bow was very tense. This did cause me a few technical problems, but only really ones I'd have noticed. Past me might have used this as an excuse not to feel content with his performance as there was something awry. Now, however, noticing this about my playing actually added to the experience, as even in performance I was able to clock how to get even better. So yes, if I were to repeat the concert there are things I would change, but that doesn't mean I would change what happened or have any regrets. In fact, I'd say the concert was one of the most fulfilling and educational experiences of my life so far. I think perhaps as musicians we place far too much emphasis on perfection and accuracy - even musicality - and place far too little emphasis on experience and the benefits of constantly learning. In aiming for perfection, we aim for something impossible. In aiming for improvement we make constant successes of ourselves. What I've been listening to:

57. Intensive Work I've just been away on a week of intensive orchestra rehearsals ready for a concert tomorrow. This has been with an orchestra I've been playing with for a few years now, and have for the first time been given the chance to lead the section - not only that but during a very awesome but very difficult piece. As always, the rehearsal course has taught me so many valuable things and been really beneficial, but it hasn't been without its frustrations. As the work is so intense, it can almost begin to appear as if musical success (ie a successful performance) is the be all and end all of life. As such, some tricky intra-section politics occurred with some resentment towards me simply for leading, almost resulting in me not being able to have the chance to do so again (in summer, I will 'graduate' from the orchestra as I will be too old for it, making it my final chance). However, I think I dealt with the situation well and wasn't in the wrong myself. There was also the added frustration of the piece I was leading not being rehearsed adequately, which I had perceived as 'unfair'. On a call to my boyfriend earlier in the week, talking about how much I wanted the chance to lead again showed how much it meant to me, and I came to realise why this was the case. Even three and a half years ago when I joined this orchestra I felt as if I'd never be able to lead the section as I wasn't a good enough musician, but since the opportunity arose and it was my final chance, something made me go for it. After having some experience this week, knowing that I was fully prepared and feeling extremely able made me realise that all that had been getting in the way of my ability and opportunities was my own perception of myself. Once I'd started working hard in preparation, I began to believe that I could do it, and the actually doing of it this week was proof! The concert, however, is yet to take place. However, the goal has already been fulfilled, in a way. A lot of intensive work can seem stressful and definitely tiring at times, but learning to appreciate even the journey and the improvement this gives has been a great experience for me. Here's hoping the concert cements these feelings, but even if it doesn't, I will still allow myself feel content and pleased with the work I've put in. If anything, this week has increased my drive to work extremely hard on music in the rest of my life. What I've been listening to: Check out the concert programme if you have time, they're all very different pieces but only written within a few years of each other : Brahms - Academic Festival Overture Strauss - Death and Transfiguration Elgar - Enigma Variations

56. Empathy I think it's safe to say that I have grown in empathy recently. While I do think that empathy is, despite how it may sometimes seem, an innate part of being human, there are and certainly have been times in my life where I've lacked empathy. A lack in empathy to me could be one of two things, firstly it could be just a lack of anything, no awareness of another person's emotional state. Secondly, it could be an awareness along with a disregard of someone's perspective and emotional state. The first, you could argue, is passive, while the second is more active. Either way, both can lead to unnecessary tension and resistance. Interestingly though, empathy and understanding of another might mean that there is still initially some tension and resistance as the the *other* party comes to terms with how they're actually feeling, but an empathetic viewpoint always prospers in the end. With a true desire to understand how other people are perceiving a situation and feeling, a mutual understanding is fostered, a sense of humans working together rather than competing, in the end. The great thing about empathy is that it's highly contagious. Be empathetic to one person, and they are more likely to reciprocate. Practise this enough times and this can become a normal part of relationships. There is also, and this is why I am writing about this topic today, the possibility to in a way be empathetic towards yourself. There is a lot to be said for listening to yourself as you would another person, and this is something I try to put into practise as I meditate. To break down the barriers to your own feelings and your own resistance allows you do be able to do the same towards others. As RuPaul might say, 'if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?'. But I also think that self and other empathy work reciprocally together. Sure, if you break down those barriers to yourself, it allows you to do the same with others, but also working on loving and being empathetic towards others is a great practise which allows you to apply the same principals to your own self understanding. Viewing the two approaches as working together has allowed me to see the nature of empathy in a far more holistic way. It's not just about single interactions with others and trying to be understanding, it's about having a motivation to a more general understanding, one which includes both yourself and other people. Obviously this is really difficult to be mindful of 100% of the time, as are most things, but it definitely does seem worth keeping in mind. Other people are, after all, the vast majority of the population of planet Earth. What I've been listening to:

55. March I often find that when I reflect on a period of time, it both seems like it has passed in the blink of an eye and across an eternity, with no in between. This is definitely the case when I think back over the month of March, it's been a really eventful one with many memorable experiences. Firstly, the theme of my life this month seems to have been 'preparing for the future'. Either that or that theme becomes more and more intense as the months go by towards my graduation from university - I think this is something time will begin to tell. This month, though, has seen me begin to search for both summer jobs and longer-term part time jobs. Unfortunately I've just found out today that the place where I wanted to work as an ideal 'part-time' job can't have me as I can't make the interview (as is exactly what happened last summer). While this is quite frustrating as I had pinned quite a few hopes on working somewhere like that, my experiences of job hunting this month have shown me that it is possible for me to find somewhere, hopefully. On top of this, I taught my first cello lesson - and this is the kind of work that I want to do long term as I really feel as if it's my calling in life. Just from that one experience, I was able to understand that I definitely had enough skill in this area as well as feel even more motivated to make this part of my future. So yes, this month has been full of money worries and my life still is, but I am going to pursue this sense of drive that I seem to have accumulated career-wise this month as well as continuing to work on my mind and the idea of value. I've had a few exciting ideas about how I could independently create my own product in line with my key values, which should be interesting to explore over the next couple of months in addition to being keen to seek out new music pupils and find somewhere to work where I can be of value in an everyday sort of way. I also had one of the most memorable trips away ever with my boyfriend this month, and despite at the end of February saying that I was going to try and journal every day in March, realistically this was not going to be possible - however in terms of mindfulness, this month has been proof to me that a) it's possible to be mindful in a number of unexpected ways and that b) it's possible to keep ploughing on even through some very strange and potentially testing times. In fact, it's been this month in particular where a number of things have happened that could have really set me off being stressed or worried quite badly, but I haven't allowed this to happen. Sure, I've felt these things from time to time but I've found myself ever more able to deal with things and move on. This holiday with my boyfriend has also shown me how in the right company and in the right mindset, a mindful existence really is a possibility, which is really exciting. Based on what I've said above, it's pretty obvious what I am going to be focussing on in April. But the other important aspect of my life is my academic work at university. I submitted my dissertation this month, which felt great, however I've noticed increasingly how my mind seems to want to focus more on preparing for the future. It's hard to find that balance between being present with what I'm working on now and working on what I'll need to have come May. The mindsets involved in everything I've described, though, can map onto my academic studies. For example, with a new found drive, I've taken some action to increase my productivity. After doing some research, I made my phone black and white and removed all 'perpetual scrolling' and social media apps from direct view on my home screen. This eliminates the areas of my phone that allow me to become 'addicted' or distracted by bright colours or no endpoint to scrolling sucking me in. The more I can find out about little subtle ways to chance things about my lifestyle like this - the better. And this sort of attitude should help me with the rest of the semester - as I am just realising how much work there is left to do in my degree in what is quite a short space of time. What I've been listening to:

54. Tools So I mentioned yesterday about this new computer. Obviously I've continued to use it today and despite the fact that it's quite hard to get over the fact that it actually works well, I think that, weirdly, using it has helped me understand something rather important. I am using it as a tool, and the better it is at its job, the better I can be at mine. For example, the faster something loads up, the faster I can get to work. The more useful it is to me during that work, the more productive my work can become. Of course, it totally isn't the only factor affecting speed of work and productivity, but it helps. And this got me thinking during today's meditation session - if I'm using this tool to express myself and do work, surely the level before that is that I am using my body for almost the very same purposes. If I view my body as a tool, that really draws attention to the fact that my true self is not something physical at all, but besides that, it gives a new perspective into how I might want to use my body. The better shape it's in, the better I can do what I want or need to be doing in life. The more I look after it, the longer it may serve that useful purpose for me. Can you see the parallels? Using this thought process allowed me to see my body in a more objective sense - not as part of me but as a beautiful, complex tool which I use to be me. This presents even more of an argument for looking after your body, but also frames it not as the be all and end all of the Self. If there is damage to the body, it may affect, but it does not need to damage the Self. So what does that make the Self, then? This is the question or concept I was mulling over during my latest meditation session, and it's a complex one to explain, but quite a simple thing to understand once you get there. (It's something easily forgotten, though, which is why practise at understanding this is important - and I'm only just beginning on the path to properly understanding this). But what I know is this - I am not my body but I use it to express aspects of my Self. I also know that I am not the music that I write, but I use it to do the same. And the same goes for the words I use, the way I perform music, my actions, and all kinds of other things. In that respect, it could be said that my Self isn't really anywhere, but can be viewed by others through all of the things mentioned above and more. Think about it - someone else's perception of the truest me is only what they see of my body etc. You could say that the most accurate 'me' exists in my brain, as that's where all the thoughts that cannot be readily perceived by others exist. I think in a way this makes sense, but I'd also tend to disagree - as meditation has again shown me that I am not my thoughts, they are just a product of the Self. As, then, with all Selves and all consciousnesses, I don't exist in one place or one time or one thing, but in a number of different combinations of the above. While I might be just as represented in my body and physical actions as a piece of music that I have written (which is a pretty mind-blowing thing to think about anyway), both of these things are only tools to portray the true Self. Now surely, that must mean that the Self is something far far beyond our perception? And while that's pretty terrifying, it's also rather exciting. What I've been listening to:

53. Catching Up It's been almost two weeks since I last posted on here - and a lot has happened in that time! The reason for the distinct lack of posting was because I was away, followed by numerous technology issues. I'll get to that more later on, though. There's quite a lot to say so I'm going to group it into numbered things that happened over the last two weeks or so. 1. I went away with my boyfriend - this was an incredible experience to say the least. I'd been looking forward to it for ages and somehow it surpassed my expectations. We had a fantastic time and we cam away from our stay feeling even closer to each other and refreshed, if a little tired! Something that's really struck me about this time is how much I know I'll remember it. Pretty much everything that happened seemed to have some kind of deep significance or create some sort of useful grounding for one or both of us. We spent some time being purposefully mindful and making memories, and it has left me feeling very optimistic about not only the future, but our future together. 2. I got a new computer - now, this might seem trivial, but with my old computer it took around 10-15 minutes to boot up and then when any programme was running it was incredibly slow. This did cause some serious problems for me when trying to work for university and became very frustrating. As such, I have invested in a much higher powered, longer lasting machine which right now is a dream to operate. One large problem I had on my old machine was that as I was waiting for something useful to load, I'd spend that time on facebook or doing something unproductive which I would then become more invested in than the task at hand. With the reduced loading time and quite frankly much better functionality, I'm really hoping to (if I use it correctly) use what I've now got to encourage myself to be more productive. 3. I taught my first cello lesson - after some doubt about the attitude of a potential tutor's parent, I decided to take a very low paid job teaching cello lessons. I figured that right now in my career, experience was extremely important. After a few initial nerves, I spent an hour and a half delivering a taster session and suffice to say, this experience, even though it had some issues which needed to be resolved, entirely strengthened my feeling that this is a massive part of my life's purpose. Teaching and sharing skill and enthusiasm is something I now feel confident that I am good at and can enjoy in a variety of circumstances and I can't wait to properly get going once my studies at university are over. 4. I had another driving lesson - again, this might seem really rather trivial, but after my experience with my previous instructors, a sense of stress around driving seemed to have been instilled within me. Today I had a lesson with another instructor, one I absolutely trusted, and the progress almost shocked me. Turns out, with the right instructor, I am actually quite a good driver and can make progress. This, again, is something which has really instilled confidence in me lately and made me excited to go forward with something that initially made me nervous - and to be able to reflect on this in this way feels great! 5. I have arrived home for the break - and for now things seem to be going well at home. After Christmas, I am more aware of my parents needs and they are more aware of mine, and even being conscious of these things has allowed things to run more smoothly for us all - at least for now. It is, however, becoming increasingly difficult to see the discomfort my dad is in and how this is affecting him emotionally. I was able to help my sister recently with some of her negative feelings by taking the time to talk to her and even introducing her to Brooke Castillo's life coaching model, which was really encouraging! However, my family continues to, quite understandably, be in a lot of emotional turmoil. There is definitely heartbreak at seeing how my dad is and this is something which I know I am going to have to continually work on, but for now I feel as though I am coping rather well with working on how to best serve the rest of my family, something which I want to always continue. What I've been listening to:

52. Rest: Incoming A break I've been looking forward to is approaching and happening very soon, which is great news as today I've really felt like I've crossed off everything on my list of things to do before it. I can now really feel like I deserved this break which I've had planned, which is a lovely feeling. However, despite today's success, it's not all been easy going. Something about the fact that I know I'm about to finish work for a while triggered a strange phenomenon in my brain... Because I'm about to 'power down' (or at least reduce strenuous activity for about a week, albeit still having things to focus on and development to work on) yet still had some things to finish off, my brain seemed to want to immediately cease all activity and be lazy while simultaneously beat itself up about not wanting to do work. Suffice to say it was very difficult to overcome this and get work done, but somehow I managed it. I think the sheer determination to feel positive about my state of mind come the end of the week helped, and also the fact that I had a scheduled rehearsal to be at that was out of my control at the end of the day, and so I needed to make sure I got to that on time. Had that not been part of my plan for the day, I'm not sure how the rest of it might have gone. I've now realised this is something that can occur, so it's great that I'm mindful of it. The next four weeks will be very strange and out of routine - a proper rest for one week, a busy week meeting people and working at home the week after, an intensive week of orchestral rehearsals the week after and another week 'off' doing work the week after. Every week will be different and my guess is that my brain will try to preempt what is going to happen the following week with varying types of resistance to what is actually happening in the moment. So how best to deal with it? Well, awareness is key. And then, I think, learning from today in terms of adding in something I absolutely HAVE to have achieved by a certain time will allow me to get enough done, however weird or unpleasant it may feel at the time. What I'm saying is, a little more strict structure might do me good while things are a bit more up in the air and out of routine. For now though, I'm very much looking forward to some time off with my boyfriend - I may be on here a little less, or maybe even a little more. Who knows... What I've been listening to:

51. Learn to Learn Every time I have a cello lesson (which isn't actually all that frequently) I always want to seem to write about it. I've realised how much learning my instrument can apply to everyday life - or perhaps another way of looking at it is that I've realised that learning about myself applies almost directly to my instrumental playing. Today, I went to my lesson with a list of the areas I was struggling with. Not just notes and passages that were difficult, but principles I felt I needed to work on to become better. As such, I spent almost two hours working on my weakest areas. It occurred to me that as a child learning the cello, whenever the teacher pointed out an area which needed improvement I'd take it personally and perhaps to some degree figure that I wasn't doing well enough, and it would be easy to do the same now. However, I'm at a stage now where I can see that these corrections are to help me be better, not stop be from being bad. The truth of the matter is, we turn up to lessons not to showcase how good we are but to expose our weaknesses in a way. If I'd have gone today and just played all my best bits for two hours, it would actually have been a much less good use of the time. Afterwards, I was debating whether the lesson went well - but of course it did! It was not about how well I played, but about how well I learned. All of these principals, I think, can be applied to a much wider context. If we're truly invested in learning and growing, we need to accept that we should not turn up for a showcase of ourselves but with our mind fully focused on the areas we want to develop. Learning, even a musical instrument, will never truly grow the ego - in fact it's very likely to damage it as a key part of learning is finding out that you can be wrong. My theory is that if people are learning music for the purposes of showing off, they might give up relatively easily as their ego is going to take the damage. Learning to learn really is all about learning to grow through acknowledging the desire for improvement in a positive way. I also think this might be part of the reason why children are such good learners. We talk a lot about plasticity of the brain in younger years, and I'm not sure how this all aligns psychologically, but I'm fairly sure as children are developing they might have less of a rigid sense of ego, which is why it's so effective for them to pick up new skills and have their view of the world repeatedly challenged. It would also explain why this gets increasingly difficult as we enter our teenage years and begin to want to set up a more rigid version of 'me' only to still be in the education system and be told that in a lot of areas in life, you're wrong. So what can we learn from this? Well, I think a sense of open-mindedness, of excitement that you could be wrong and something better and more interesting can replace your beliefs, no matter how small, could be really beneficial. Knowing that learning benefits the Self rather than the Ego is a powerful thing, and something I'm looking forward to applying even more in the future. What I've been listening to:

50. An Unpredictable Account of an Unpredictable Day Wow, fifty entries! That's whole load of entries right there! Today's been another one of those full on, full of extremes ones. This morning I woke up late, having slept very badly indeed (so, a low point, I guess) but then managed to apply for two jobs before lunch (so a high point then). Following that, I felt a great deal of resistance towards getting any more actual work done (a low) for quite a while but then did get it all done anyway and it felt really good (a high). After a great meal, I began to feel physically panicky and quite frightened (a definite low). I think the weight of searching for those jobs and contemplating a future whereby I have to finish this degree, earn enough money to live, move house and deal with everything at home with my dad was feeling like a little bit too much. After a lovely warming shower I sat down and did some great meditation work, which lead me to feeling more about the future and the opportunities it will bring, especially sharing the experience with my amazing boyfriend and having the chance to learn and do more as myself (a definite high). It finished early, though, as I began to feel really dizzy and odd. So right now, I seem to be somewhere happily in the middle. And why am I telling you all this? Well, aside from as a reminder to me, it's for sure an illustration that every given moment is its unique entity. Anything can happen from one moment to the next, and just as circumstances can change so can our perceptions of it. This is useful information for two reasons. Firstly, it offers hope. Sometimes things can leave us feeling pretty terrible, but remembering that our perception can change about it is a powerful thing. Secondly, it keeps us prepared. If we're perfectly fine in the moment, it helps us to remember that circumstances may change, and so it's definitely worth working on that mindset even when it doesn't feel it needs the work, so that perceptions can serve you in all eventualities (such as I discussed in my entry yesterday). What better day than today to write my fiftieth entry on? Ups, downs, highs, lows, and thoughts and contemplation about pretty much every area of my life right now. In this microcosm of my supposed year, to be able to sit here at the end of it and feel hopeful is hugely reassuring, and to have acknowledged the discomfort (and at times, resistance) some of the less pleasant things seems to trigger is strangely empowering. To know that these things are there and yet the authenticity of my Self is truly untouchable and ever growing is something very special, and it's what I reminded myself of during meditation today. It's not about whether I can predict what's going to happen next, it's about acknowledging that all things can be possible, even outside of time. It's about knowing that authenticity is steadfast, and that somehow, through it all - there can always be a way. What I've been listening to:

49. Meditation When You Need It Today has been a great day - I've got loads of work done and submitted my dissertation (at last!)! After this kind of day, it was very easy for me to find time for some meditation, however, because of the fact that over the last week when things have been more difficult I haven't been finding that time, the actual meditation itself was quite difficult. I have left myself with a very busy mind and a lot to process from the last week. The more I do this sort of stuff, the more I realise that meditation is like a tidying up routine, it needs to be done regularly in order to stay on top of things. One big long one after two weeks won't really cut it, and it'll be much more difficult. In addition, it's easy to say that it's time to meditate when you're feeling relatively good about your day (I'm sure I've touched on this before as well), but when things aren't going to plan, that's when it's more difficult. Unfortunately, though, that's when it's most needed. I had planned to meditate every day in March, but there were some days when I genuinely didn't get the chance, and so this has of course given my brain an excuse not to try as hard when I do have the chance. What I really need to make sure I'm dong is meditation when I need it, not when I want it. And I think that meditation every day is what's needed. Of course, there are some obvious reasons why I might not want to meditate as much when I'm feeling the struggle. My brain doesn't want to face up to how it's really feeling, or there's a wall been built since the last time giving me a small underlying belief about my own self and feelings that is going to feel quite uncomfortable to break down. It's easy for me to say now, but of course that discomfort need not happen if I remain focused enough... but the real task is going to be not just remembering this in all eventualities, but also putting it into practise. I'm getting better at it, sure, but there's still a long way to go. What I've been listening to:

48. Something More Last year the Christian Union (see earlier posts in this journal) put on an event called 'something more'. It was all about identifying those little moments when you feel as though there is something more going on than just the version of the reality you see in front of you - and of course they attributed this to the Christian God. Now, as I've explained in earlier posts, I think there can be quite a lot that's problematic with their approach, but when viewed in the way that I've just described, I think that at least their premise is on to something. I've just had (and in a way and just having) another great chat with my boyfriend about the way in which we perceive reality, and how there are layers beyond layers in our perception, and that the way we exist is perhaps far more than we could perceive in one go, and that the logic of reality is so much broader. We both really feel like it's great to have someone to talk to about this stuff, but really it's more than that - we can and have experienced feelings like this together. Our shared inquisition is itself what creates a deeper, more layered understanding and experience. And the more we question, and think, and experience together, the more we find, the more we experience and the more we question. Theoretically, there is as much to life as you want to find. So theoretically, there are infinite possibilities, right? We were talking about how life is sort of a dream, a version of reality, with its own logic. And even within that we experience the fact that there are many different alternatives. Our perception of reality is the dream in the moment, and it must be being observed simultaneously and outside of time. Perhaps then, this observer is God. And if this is God, that means it's both the most authentic part of reality and the absence of anything at all. As with our authentic selves... So yes, it's quite hard to describe in words, but very interesting to think about. And to share it with somebody else adds something more into the mix, even further so. A shared understanding of experience, a shared exploration - it has begun to show me that everything is equal to more than the sum of its parts in every way, and at every level. It's like Plato's cave... there's always something more outside our silhouette on the cave wall. What I've been listening to:

47. An Easy Fix? This is my second attempt at this post, as the website seemed to want to delete the first one just before I posted! Today's been weird. I've been successful and done good work, and am at home and feel well rested. I've had a few problems, but most of them have seemed fixable in the end. For example, I was proofreading my dissertation (which needs submitting this week) and simply couldn't process the words on the page in front of me. They were my own words too, which made me really doubt the quality of the work. In the end, however, I realised that part of the problem might have been that I was reading on a screen and not on a printed copy as I normally would, so I somehow managed to persuade my parents to let me print off all 82 pages so that I can try again, and hopefully even submit, tomorrow. One thing I haven't been able to find a fix for though is how my dad is feeling. The truth, however undesirable, is that that is how it is. Every time I come home, I notice him being a little more uncomfortable. Sometimes that discomfort can be alleviated with a fluid drain or some painkillers, but more and more it has become general pain. This discomfort is also making him feel rubbish psychologically, and is causing him to not really want much food or try a different combination of painkillers. I can understand why though, as everything he does is going to have different uncomfortable side effects, and nothing is going to actually make him feel comfortable, which is really quite rubbish. It's really difficult to see him like this, especially as he's getting steadily worse. I know what I need to do to deal with this. Focus on the moment, know that everything's relatively ok right now (it could be better, but it could also be worse). However, with some thought I've realised that what's bothering me most is his psychological rather than physical state. Over the last year I've learned how to start to deal with feeling uncomfortable and maybe even how to deal with feeling a little helpless. I want to be able to help him, but I'm not sure how. I'm considering introducing him to a beginners meditation course, although I am fairly certain he'll struggle with this to start with as it will initially merely draw attention to his discomfort. Sometimes when people start with things like that, they can expect a fix, rather than a way of accepting how things actually are. So that could be difficult. For now though, I want to focus on my own perspective of how things are going at home, and try to 'clean that up' a bit. I do, however, want to help where I can. What I've been listening to:

46. My Body Some thoughts about my body or bodies in general from today's meditation/contemplation session: The body is so incredibly intricate and a great tool to help with practising awareness. We use so much of our body through 'conscious' decision but aren't aware of it. Maybe it would be good for me to start appreciating these little things a bit more. For example, I have a book on yoga for musicians which I've not really looked at, and keep thinking I really should take part in. The body can do amazing things - sometimes we are aware of it, sometimes not. I think it would be good to practise extending that awareness. Sometimes the body can go a bit wrong (as with many things in life). I've started to noticed further back discomfort as I've been meditating. I will need to monitor the situation for a while to see if maybe I should work out a way to improve that. Furthermore, I had an operation to remove my thyroid (which was in my neck) 4 years ago. As part of my meditation practise, I scan down through the body and try to be aware of each part and 'listen to it'. More and more recently I've noticed feeling a bit weird about that area. It's not actually uncomfortable, but being fully aware that there's a chunk missing from that area with skin stretching over the hole is well... unpleasant for me to think of. So much so, in fact, that it's starting to detract from where focus could elsewhere be, so I think I will start to look into how to overcome this. My body is the tool through which I live most of the physical parts of my life. It has many components and I can make decisions about how I use, or don't use them - which can extend to improving the ability of certain parts should I so desire. My body is not me, though. My real self is the thing that operates the body. By that logic, surely I could exist without my body. Extending beyond that, anything I own physically is merely a tool for something. For example, I've just been looking at getting a new, much higher performing computer to set me up for 'professional life'. While this is exciting, I need to remember that my real self does not and should not depend on its tools in order to feel fully realised, no matter how badly (for example) this current computer works and the frustration this can cause me. This is very difficult, and probably highlights something very important in that these realisations are not about my body at all, but about the nature of the soul/self in general. Now, a bit of a weird one - here's today's 'what I've been listening to' - and I've included it before. But it's one of those that (as I'm learning to play in it for a concert) the more I listen to it, the more aware I am of how it all fits together, the more I appreciate each little section of how it works. So I thought it fitted quite well:

45. Natural Cycle It looks as if I've had a pretty rubbish week. The conflict situation from yesterday seems to have escalated, there was also conflict earlier in the week, I've been ill and I've been absolutely exhausted. I DO feel as though that authentic self is in there, but right now it feels like he's struggling to keep his eyes open and is surrounded by snot while being constantly punched by external factors. The thing is, I know that this is all part of the norm. It has to be something to embrace, as life isn't perfect. Everything natural happens in cycles. Days, the seasons, growth, even things we've added on such as economic cycles. With these structures, when things dip, they always go back up. It's just a question of harnessing that momentum. It's naturally gonna happen - it happens even in my meditation - things can be going very well for a short while and then all of a sudden start going quite wrong. It doesn't mean the thing I was doing right was wrong, it actually more means it was definitely right. It's difficult to keep it up during difficult times, but it is possible - as the core values of awareness and acceptance can still apply, even if the output isn't as visible. This week I've been far less productive, but this time just a little bit more aware... which I think is a good sign.

44. Conflict Resolution I probably have mentioned it before, but I'm the manager of one of the ensembles here at university. Today, without going into too much detail, a potential conflict situation arose between me and one of the members, who wasn't happy about something. The way in which this was resolved has given me cause to reflect on how far I've come in the last year and also what made the solution so effective. A year ago, had someone come to me with a problem in a less than friendly manner, I might have either got very stressed about it or sassed them, or both. Today was different. I think I've realised that in order to work with people, the best thing to be is open within yourself to your own authenticity, as that will then have a bearing on the interactions you have with others. Yes, I had to maintain a professional attitude and enforce rules which had been set (perhaps a little difficult, as the person in question was much older and more experienced than me). But I had no desire for an argument or anything of the sort. So, once the situation began to become heated, I excused myself from the situation and waited to discuss the issue until after the rehearsal. During this time, without really thinking about it, I felt able to enforce the position I found myself in as well as maintain empathy to the other person's own viewpoint and managed to genuinely be myself and maintain a friendly atmosphere. As I said, I don't think these were things that I was trying to do on purpose, which is kinda the important thing that came from this scenario. All that was happening, really, was that like I said, I was able to feel in touch with my own authenticity and bring that to the discussion and brought a genuine desire to be fair and understanding. It made a load of difference. Now, I'm not saying every situation will be like this - I was very probably just having a very good day in terms of being in touch with myself - but it's the reflection on it afterwards that's given me a smile and made me realise that what could have been seen as a difficult situation not too long ago really wasn't for me today. It's incredible, the more I work on this stuff, the more I see how it pervades all sorts of unexpected areas of everyday life - and it's really darn beneficial! What I've been listening to:

43. Time Enough There's a lot to be said about enduring difficult situations. Sometimes it must be done, and you have no choice. Other times it might be more of a choice, but the choice itself resides more in the thought process about the difficult situation itself and therefore the way you experience it. You can learn a lot through experiences such as these. Sometimes, though, when you have the power to do so, enough is enough. Today I had to take action like this about my driving lessons. I'll spare you the details, but I had to report my teacher and try to sort out a refund after a particularly stressful experience this morning. This then culminated in me receiving insulting messages and feeling a little bit worried, stressed and tired. But I had to do this because enough really was enough. I had previously convinced myself to endure what was going on and try to find the best in the situation, but after losing sleep over the whole thing and feeling very stressed out, I had to take the decision that I'd had time enough to try and work these things out, and it was best to get out of the situation altogether. It's difficult though, because a lot of times in life when you could back away from something seemingly intimidating, it's perhaps best to stick at it. Often being intimidated by something is the key to knowing it's the right thing to be doing, no less. I've been doing some thinking today, and I'm not sure if this is the absolute truth, but it's what I've noticed - perhaps the way to tell the difference is in the way you are thinking rather than feeling. On the one hand, being intimidated by something that you need to actually be doing may feel very uncomfortable (such as starting a career, for example) but upon thinking about it for long enough, there are ways through it, options, and benefits to be seen. On the other hand, there's the experience I had with this whole situation - the way that I felt I was twisting the truth to feel positive, the feeling of it being the wrong thing and not seeing a way through it other than stopping it. As Brooke Castillo would say, it wasn't serving me. And what's more, more and more kept piling on to the situation to make it even more this way. What I said yesterday still applies, the worry didn't serve a purpose, really. But being astute to what's actually going on in the moment has been ultimately useful to me today. I guess the lesson of the story is, if something is causing you discomfort, spend some real time giving it some real thought. Meditate on it and listen to the answers this produces. That, I think, should give you a clue as to whether it's time to change direction, or just to keep pushing on. What I've been listening to: