Everyday

Hello Drove again, two more times. I got so much better. I can't believe it! I am looking forward to drive even if I'm anxious. Going to work for the first time this years was so hard because I kept making scenarios beforehand. I thought that I'll get made fun of at work, that all my accounts will me taken from me that day. I thought that going to work is the worst thing ever. Everyone at the office was complaining. No body wanted to work. The following days got better. No one told me anything. I just worked and minded my own business. I still felt not good enough and stressed about the whole situation. When will my accounts get taken away? I don't know. The doctor said my surgery recovered 95%. I actually followed the treatment. I feel much better. The next appointment is in two weeks. Worked out last week. I felt weaker. I didn't have much energy for that. I left work on Monday thinking that I will take care of my accounts after all until mid February. I just supposed so after talking with the guy who will take my accounts. I also sent a mail I'm which I wrote a wrong word. my supervisor made fun of that and I got annoyed . Today I left work with no accounts at all. Wtf. A girl who took one of my accounts already asked if if she should mail the business about SMTH or not. I asked my supervisor. Turns out I should have gave up my accounts last year. wtf., we all thought that my supervisor will announce that. he didn't even if he saw me emailing clients weekly. So yeah, I don't have any accounts now. I feel calmer. I am looking forward to do less work from now on. A client mailed me that he wants to leave because he got no results. I don't care, not my problem anymore. I also had my first interview ever since I got hired here. Crazy, right? I was so anxious! But it went very well. After all, I have worked for four years and I know some shit. I have the final interview this Thursday. I kept thinking to quit this job and do eMag full time. I have to say I'm still scared. I am thinking to keep applying to jobs, have some interviews and get hired for a while. After that I'll quit work and do eMag. I am changing my mind daily about it. I'm scared to be out of a job and have so much free time. My mom got a little upset that I had to take my brothers laptop to work on eMag after I arrived from my job. She uses that laptop to watch tv series. she wanted to watch some Korean drama. She and my dad reconciled even if nothing has changed. I thought they'll get a divorce just a few weeks ago. I had an argument with my father as well. I feel sorry for her. She got back in the trap of watching tv series. I envy my recently unemployed sister. She has so much free time and she's struggling to be productive. I'm afraid I'll struggle as well. Man, I already made my plans. I can't wait. I haven't watched porn since I wrote about it last time. I didn't fap to Instagram models either. I didn't use Instagram to scroll for hours with a few exceptions. I feel so much better overall. After this time with less social media I thought more of my exes. I am thinking that I'm still not good enough. Not watching porn and not fapping having some pics of some girls makes me actually uncover some feelings. Interesting. So those it make sense to quit work or should I find another place? Staying here I feel bad but I get paid for easy work. I feel stupid here. Going to other place won't make things better. I will actually have to worry about clients and work my ass off for a while. I can quit and do eMag full time. I can drive, go to the gym, read more etc. My life overall would get better but I will have to watch my spending. I am comfortable here. I'm afraid of that life as well. I don't know what to do next. Should I get into another similar job just so I can see how it is like? Maybe a remote job?Should I quit for my business? I do know I should have a few more interviews. 🫡 I finished dune, the first book. It was amazing! It has been a month since I quit tinder. I feel better without it. I have to do the work before I get back into it. I wasn't enough having a job, imagine how it will be not having a job at all and still living with your parents and not driving her around. Yeah, I need to work on myself now.... I thought more and I'm not in position to date now. That's alright, keep up the good work. I thought why I care so much what my colleagues would think of me not having a job. Even if it doesn't look good on the outside, I can make a great life. Imagine driving daily, reading, working on my business and so on. imagine the growth I'll get with that time! People would be at work while I would do all of this. Think of what I've achieved last 2 years being employed and also having a side hustle. Damn, I can't comprehend that growth! 📈 imagine being able to read instead of commuting to work. Imagine reading a book in the park at noon in summer. That's crazy! Yeah, I think I have enough discipline to try this path. Of course, I'm still afraid and that's alright.

Original title: 167 Days Before College Goals: weekly 30m of shamanic breathing to transition from 30m of do nothing meditation to 30m mindfulness meditation to finish the LP course to spend more time outside to re-start doing mind powers exercises consistently to read at least 3 books to continue pushing myself daily no tv series or movies eating clean(less sweets,bread,processed meat) daily journaling ( onenote) to improve my English skills going to sleep at a decent time(23.00/00.00) to make a vision board no facebook solo meditation retreat to travel alone in my country for at least 3 days to continue abstaining from alcohol and weed (one year and six months since i drank alcohol or smoked weed) to continue nofap ( i relapsed yesterday after one year and three months) Possible goals: pick up yoga classes swimming martial arts part-time job to upgrade concentration practice from 10m to 20m to upgrade meditation practice from 30m to 60m stretching routine Books i want to read/listen to: Holotropic Breathwork: A New Approach to Self-Exploration and Therapy by Stanislav Grof M.D. Conquest of Mind By: Eknath Easwaran (audiobook) “STATUS ANXIETY” BY ALAIN DE BOTTON Stuff Every College Student Should Know (Stuff You Should Know) by Blair Thornburgh Daygame by Tom Torero Day Bang by Roosh V (audiobook/pdf) Getting Things Done by David Allen (audiobook) Boundaries by Henry Cloud (audiobook) The Like Switch by Jack Schafer The Rum Diary: A Novel: Hunter S. Thompson Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers (audiobook) Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps by Kelly Williams Brown (audiobook) Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz (audiobook/pdf) The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now by Meg Jay (audiobook)

Hey 🧃 I finally drove today. I was so scared. I wasn't so bad at it as I expected. I'm so proud of myself. I went to bed super late, at 5 am. Woke up several times afterwards. Got out of bed at 13. I worked on my business and read for a few hours. I also felt like watching some TV series and some reels. It was hard to resist. I'm proud that I did. I'm looking forward to apply for some job tomorrow. I'm also afraid of that. I feel like leaving my current job will be another big step for me. I'm looking forward to the day I'll work full time on my business. I'm actually excited about that. I am not excited to start working this Wednesday. What else? Another big step would be to go to the gym. Let's see how the surgery recovers. It's been ok for the last few days. I ate some sweets today. Eh. I want to clean my room. It will take just one hour. I also want to eat some junk food. I won't tho

hello 👋 I thought a lot about it but in the end I didn't get fucked up at NYE. I just drank a little bit and took one puff. I didn't feel in the right mind space to get fucked up. I become the only single dude in the whole group. I have to say that this bothers me but Im using my free time to improve my life overall. It's a trade off and I am willing to pay it. The guy who just made a girlfriend is spending all his free time with her. I am not willing to do that. Another dude from the group, who never had a job is helping his girlfriend to pass her exams at uni. He wouldn t be able to do that if he had a job. Of course they are together. He helps her improve her own life. I arrived home that night and I took a hard look on my life after spending a few hours on social media and also watching some porn. I want to keep improving my life. I need to quit social media (scrolling on Instagram, Facebook, tik tok). These apps make me feel worse. I succeeded doing this for the last few days. I had my sister's help to improve my CV. I want to apply to a new position somewhere else. But I also consider doing eMag full time. I can take money from the business if I need it. Just a little bit. My brother had this idea. Why go to another agency and still work two jobs? I came to the conclusion that my supervisor asked me those questions because he knew I don't know the answer. Thus took all my accounts. Fuck them and him! That's good. I needed that to quit this job and move on. Yet, I am still afraid but in the same time I can't wait to move on. I don't have to be around those people who don't have the best idea professionally about me. Being scolded so many times also makes me feel insecure and have less trust in my own abilities. But I cant stay here. Leaving this job feels like the next necessary step to grow. For some reason I think that even being unemployed it's better than working for them. Interesting I worked more for my business and read more of Dune. It's amazing, bro! I also wasted some time playing some random video games on my phone for 2 hours. I also checked out IMDb. I spent several hours trying to find out what's the name of the company that a guy from the group chat has. I finally found it. I will buy some of his products as well. For sure! Can't wait! I asked my brother to go tomorrow for a drive. I have to drive! I have to, bro! I worked out already twice this week. I still can't believe it's a new year. That's crazy! 🤣 Just another year already, man! I am still thinking I'm in 2024. So I definitely have to get a remote job. I wasted enough time going and coming back for work last year. I have to also stop again abusing social media. I will keep my break from tinder. I need to be in a better spot before I try to date 🌹. I have to read some psychology books as well. I felt a little frustrated at the end of the year because I imagined I'll grow faster. I did grow but I still dont have a gf, gym, driving, my place, etc. But I didn't focus on some of those things. This year will be better. I know that because I am doing the work daily. Right now I am trying to think about quitting and doing eMag full time. 🤔 I notice that I feel afraid that I'm not good enough to do it. What if I don't work harder all the time ? What if I watch tv series or spend time on TikTok? Well, I will still waste less time than I do at work. Damn, I really waste my whole day there. It doesn't help my business. I'm just venting and complaing there. I am also afraid to fail and that's normal. But I have to give myself this chance. Imagine that I can work 8 hours on this and after that I can read. I can go out more. I can take courses. I can go tot he gym. Hack, I can do better. Much fucking better. I can read fiction and also

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Hey I was anxious working on Monday. I worried someone will say SMTH that I didn't work much. I went to the doctor and she gave me more advice to recover false from that surgery. Last night I took algocalmin to be able to fall asleep. I had but pain hahaha I didn't eat all the right things. I even watched some porn and checked out the IMDb pages. I even searched how some tv shows ended. I don't like this. I pushed myself more to do work for my business but not at the max. I felt tired and sad to do it. I should have tho. My had an argument with my father about his reckless spending. It lead nowhere. He doesn't want an emergency fund, he wants just to invest everything he has in that stupid vacation house. Ge can't afford it. He stole money meant for my grandma. Lied to my mom about it. He was upset because I told him what I thought about his stupid house and for doubting his availability to spend his money. I felt stupid at the end. He pointed out that I still live with them and I also have all my stocks here. I felt constrained to be careful of what I say They argued worse today. My father chose to move out. Don't know for how many days. He threatened with divorce. He asked my mom if she will feel ashamed that he left her in front on our neighbors. Lol. That's ridiculous. As always, I hope they will divorce. We re all watching his spending and he hates it. Man, what the fuck is going on this month? It seems that all the problems just happen now. Lol. I read more from dune. It's an amazing book man. For better than the tv series

hey I had a few long and difficult days. I had diarrhea a few days ago so I took some pills and I was constipated for 2 days. It was horrible, because of that I affected my recent surgery. I felt so much pain and I was so worried I'll have to go to the hospital. Man, it was so nasty and painful. I don't want to go through that again. Now I gave diarrhea again and lots of pain. I spent my time watching reels on Facebook, Instagram and tik tok. I felt trimendous guilt for being lazy. I checked my work accounts on second day of Christmas...... I saw that again I overspent the Budget of a client. I already panicked. How am I going to explain I spent extra $250. I should have known better. Shit! I didn't have the courage to drive yet. I made a little research to improve my CV. I saw that one of the new colleagues, a Senior had literally just 3 years and 7 months while I have 3 years and 11 months. Ridiculous! And I'm still considered a junior! That guy didn't work for an agency more than 1 year and 8 months. I only had this job. I felt stupid for having to work on Friday. I worried that my boss will ask why I didn't work more. I lost my hope pretty bad last few days. I got my shit together. I wanted to watch porn again, I wanted to watch some TV series and so on. I was close. I didn't see a point in this struggle. Maybe just a few tv shows..... but why? It won't lead anywhere. I'll be even more miserable... But I m really improving myself but man, that's such a hard month. I do question myself and I am worried about my future. I managed to work out today. That's good. I was thinking to quit work sooner, with no job waiting for me. I dont want to return there anytime soon... My family and I got invited to a family dinner by my sister's husband. I asked his father about some business advice. I told him that I don't know if I should quit my main job and spend all my time working on my business. He said yeah, you should quit both and find something that gives you more free time. I don't know why but I felt upset. He compared my business with his hunting hobby. He said he spent lots of free time and money on that hobby while he could spent that time developing another business or SMTH. That's not the same thing! I explained to him that I need money to grow this business and so on but he didn't understand. He said I should be in this situation, to not have free time to develop another business. Wtf, how can I do that while I am developing my first business. Anyways, he's not really active in business anymore. Just speaks shit. He's watching a few movies a day now. So don't get advice from him

Hey I feel upset on myself for not quitting my job sooner. I'm not looking forward to start work next year. I spent more time on TikTok and Instagram. I hate that

Hey 👋 It was stressed at work on Monday and Tuesday. I kept thinking my boss will message me anytime asking why I didn't work more. I had a few calls with some clients and I realized I'm not that bad doing my job. So why quit entirely? I can apply for other positions and see what happens. I can really gamble here. Why not? I don't have to pay rent. All the worries are just in my head. So I will text a dude who helps us import from china. Maybe he has some job for me. That would be great! Second, I will apply for some remote position for some agency so I can have more time for my business. Why not? Fuck my current job and their shit. Let's see what can I do next. How bad can it be elsewhere? Let's see! Also, I will keep an eye out for some job for a single client. I heard a position like that is quite chill. What else? I'm reading dune and I'm surprised how good is it. Better than the fucking movie! The recovery after surgery isn't going super well anymore because I have stomach problems. I have to eat more soup and veggies I want to drive this week. I'm super anxious.

Hey 🐝 The Christmas party at work was lame. Very corporate. I felt very anxious seeing there my boss, my colleagues and my supervisor. I imagined my colleagues think of me as a dumb dude for the mistakes I've done. Me and my work friend hanged out with a new colleague, who took my accounts. My boss told him while we spoke with him that he didn't join the right group. I felt like shit. Yeah, me and that guy are the dumbest of the whole company, right? I spoke more with another colleague and she also wants to leave. My work friend came high as fuck and kept saying fuck this company over and over again. Lol. I kept telling him to drink water I felt so out of place. I have been her for 4 years almost and they just took my accounts and everything. I felt upset and stupid. What am I going to do now? what will my colleagues think of me in the near future? Will take make fun? blah blah I dreamed again about the day I'll quit this job. What am I doing? I'm wasting my time. I feel upset that my boss and supervisor think I am dumb and have no future. Maybe I care so much because they are like my father. I got the books I asked for at secret santa - hyperion 1&2 After the party I took a bolt with a colleague and walked home for an hour. I thought about what I'll do next. I thought that I'll quit and work 2 days a week for my friend, just packing stuff for pocket money. I felt content. I have to say I feel a little upset that my other friend offered me a job (I told him on Tuesday I'm interested) but the job will be full time and I won't grow in any way. I will do customer support and do packages. Maybe he thinks I can't do better. I don't know what to say. Thursday - had another call with the colleague who took my clients. As I thought this change is permanent. I'll never get these clients back. shit. That sucks. I noticed that stress I felt when I woke up later. So afraid to get fired or scolded. I felt upset about this whole situation. I had a call with him and my favorite client. I felt like shit. I am actually giving him up.... On Friday I finally had my laser surgery for hemorrhoids. I was so anxious. So upset that I didn't take care of this sooner. I didn't imagine how life would be without daily bleeding and discomfort. The procedure was quick and the pain lasted a few minutes. I felt anxious for days before the surgery. I'm glad I did it. Afterwards I went home, worked and sat in bed. I wasn't very productive. Second day I was productive but still wasted time on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook. I felt like a failure. I didn't read much. Sunday - woke up early, took a shower, and I spend time on Instagram and Facebook. I ate less sweets and didn't watch porn. I feel better. I need every single little think to feel better daily. This two things help I asked my boss to work from home Monday and Tuesday because some fake reason. I thought we'll work from home so I didn't get free days. He said ok but if you don't write in crm what you do I'll give you another warning. Wtf, he really wants me to quit! I don't know what to expect in the next few months. Will I work less or more? Will I be stressed all the time? Anyway, I had a thought - this job won't matter when I'm 35. No body cares. I won't care about my boss or work colleagues in a few years. I'm overreacting. Also, I'm doing some things very well with my lifestyle. I'm so proud of that. My supervisor can't loose weight and eat healthy. I can do that and I'm doing it. So jus because I had these problems at work doesn't mean I have to give up. My supvisor watched tv series in the weekend. I'm reading and working on my own business. So what's next? Doing the hard things. Like have some 10 minutes interviews even if I avoided that for years. I will ask for a job from the guys who helps us to import from China. I thought again to do eMag full time. I'm scared, and it's normal. I'm shocked how fast I'm recovering after the surgery. I can't believe I won't have to worry about bleeding and I will be able to go to a gym without worrying that I will stain their benches. And of course I have to drive. I am scared as fuck about that. Friday, while I was working I felt like shit. I do want the money but it affects my self esteem. Is it worth it? I don't think so. I bought my my first car 2 weeks ago I think. My father's car got broken do he took mine without asking. I called him and he got very upset. I asked him if he's going to drive my car daily from now own. He lied to me that he asked me if he can drive it and I said yes. Lied to my mom as well. Now he's upset on her as well because she supported me. I don't know if I reacted right here. Maybe that's why I struggle with communication so much. I tried to discuss this and he got upset. That's why I avoid having hard conversations. Maybe those people will get up and leave form my life or I will have trouble. Maybe I should have shut up. I don't know. It's not the best situation to have another problem thrown at me. I am living here for free almost. And I told him he can't use my car. Maybe I should shut up. I don't know.

I spoke about this situation with my sister. She asked me why am I so fixed about going to work for my friend. I am not suited for customer support and it doesn't benefit me. I told her I'm afraid to be jobless. She also said I could do eMag all day. This scares me but why not? I can take such a risk now since I can keep living with my parents. Why not? Why do I keep thinking that I have to stay here? I have nothing to loose but man, I'm scared. I can also get a job at eMag. I woke up and started working and noticed this fear when I saw a bunch of emails I had to answer to. What is the root cause? Getting fired? why? Because I'm afraid I wont do well at another agency. I'm afraid I am one mistake away to not have a salary. But I don't really have what to worry about. It's all in my head. I can't rely on my father to give me money. What would I do if I didn't fear failure? I would apply for some jobs related to my business and I would also just take care of my business, no job for a few months

Hey I couldn't sleep well. I don't like this work situation I have here. If it wasn't for those mistakes I would have struggled here even for longer. I am thinking of the future workload I'll have. Will I be able to work less for the same money or i will have even more stuff to do? I don't know. I will use the way I feel as motivation to work on myself. A win would be to go to the gym, eat healthy, no porn, no sweets, no tv series, read, etc, all the things my. colleagues don't do even if they are better this job. I'm wondering why am I overreacting like this. I don't have the extra stress of a mortgage or a kid. I'm free to fail and learn and start all over again. Older people started all over again many times. I feel upset on myself for sticking with this job and not looking around for SMTH else. It had to be an ex colleague of mine to open my eyes. I should get another job, maybe a remote one so I'll have time for eMag. What am I doing here? I'm getting bullied and I feel miserable and for what? I can make other options for myself. Shit, I didn't even look for companies who work remote. What else? So much shit is happening now. I have the surgery this Friday. I'm anxious about that and about my future. I'm wondering what girl will want to date if in this stage of life. I feel like a failure in some areas. I'm exaggerating.

Hey I finished the book light bringer. It had the craziest twist I have ever read. It was awesome. I started reading dune. Finally! Last Friday a client asked me why I spent almost all of his monthly budget so fast. I forgot to check regularly how much he spent. I felt so upset on myself. I told that to my supervisor this Monday....... he got extremely angry and left the office. I expected to get fired on the spot. I thought to leave home, I felt upset and angry and everything in between He returned and said ,,so you spent all your clients budget in 15 days?" So I got the SECOND WARNING. He asked me if there is SMTH more and I said yes, I have a question for another account. So I asked why x client overspent on meta and google ads. He asked me what's the formula they use. I said I don't know and looked it up online. I blocked and I couldnt even understand what I am reading. The answer was simple but I couldn't do it under pressure. He said ok, you don't know basic math so you aren't feet to have your own accounts. Prepare your accounts to be given to your colleagues. I froze. I had all kinds of thoughts in my head. He must be joking..... Arrived home feeling worse. I spoke with my siblings and they helped me feel better. It's just a job, I'm doing SMTH besides this and that's why I'm so tired, etc. That it doesn't matter and I'm getting emotional for no reason. I dont owe them anything and I can quit anytime. I live with my parents. I don't even have to pay rent or SMTH else. I thought that I'm afraid I won't have pocket money. Lol. i thought more about it and calmed down. If I get fired I will just work on my business. I like that one more and I m better at it. But I do feel embarrassed that I'm not smart enough to do my job well, I don't pay attention and I don't understand my job, math, how to speak with those clients, etc. I have been struggling here for 4 years. All for what? That's not for me. I knew that my drifted along. I went to bed feeling angry and frustrated. I don't understand why I didn't quit sooner. Why I keep carrying what my colleagues think and so on. Why am so attached of this job? Why is hard for me to think I can just quit. Why do I think it's so complicated? What is my problem? what am I doing? I can get an easier job and work on eMag more. This thing that happened to me can become a good thing in the end. I know I didn't have the balls to quit without a reason like this Today I found out I he didn't joke, I gave all my clients to two colleagues. I found out from them. I felt so embarrassed and stupid. I thought that I am the dumbest person alive. I thought that all my colleagues think of me as stupid and that they feel pity. I asked him so until when do I work on these accounts...my accounts. He said until I send all the emails and after that I will just implement what my colleagues give me to (he had a smirk full of disdain). I said ok. (I thought so I will get the same salary with less and easier work? lol, yeah sure). I realized I should have pretend I care so i texted him. I'm don't know what the following weeks will bring. Will I work more or less? Will I get the same salary? From my experience yes but who knows.... I told to my friend that I can work for him next year. Fuck this job. He said - finally! I still can't imagine not being stressed about my job. I can't imagine waking up and having an easier Job and having more time to work on my own business. Maybe I'm afraid to go all In with my side hustle I also deleted tinder. That's not the time to get dates. I need a serious break from that. I feel like I want to prove to everyone that I can succed in more ways than just at this job. I remember how embarrassed I felt for taking a year off after highschool. How embarrassed I was when I returned home after failing in NL. I loath that feeling. I am afraid that I will feel inferior to my work colleagues if I do anything else but this job. Interesting. I feel embarrassed to tell them that I work for my friend as if my job now it's important or anything. I fear that they will look down on me because I have that job and not ours (even if I ask at my job). That's how I felt walking around the city 6 years ago. what if an ex colleague runs into me and I have to tell them that I am trying to study in the Netherlands for a year or if I tell them that I failed there. No body cares and now I actually have a great life here. So when I'm 80 I will say that I didn't quit my job sooner because my dumb colleagues might make fun of me? That's stupid. I can use that extra free time to improve more areas of my life. My colleagues can't do that. That's a great advantage. Hack, I should quit once I get the next salaries. Maybe I'll quit in February or March? It depends. I want more from life than this job. I'm getting frustrated here. I developed these fears that have no real reason at all. If I didn't make those mistakes I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't have to face these feelings and serios life lessons. Maybe changing my job will be bigger for me than even driving! Let's speak with my friend next month. I have developed an inferiority feeling for making so many mistakes at work. I feel less than I should because some job I have now. At least I am facing this now, when I don't watch tv series, movies, etc. I have to deal with it, I can't run from these feelings at all. thank you, I needed to write this down ✍️

Hello 👋 Worked more than I was used to at the office until I worked from home and didn't want to work anymore. I finished all my pending tasks than I got too relaxed and I have due undone stuff again. Shit. I postponed some shit for way too long man. I have to keep a steady work schedule to finish my shit. I finally went to a consulation for my hemoroids this week. It turns out I have date 4. I will get a laser surgery next week. I Can't believe I'm finally going to fix this shit. I just got used to it and all the discomfort and shame that it brings. It feel unreal I will finally do something about it. Incredible! I worked more at work and for my business. I didn't have enough time to finish everything I wanted to. I want to make more money, faster. I want to quit my job. I bought my first car this week. Unreal. I feel afraid to drive it. I cant believe I did it at last. I'm going to drive at least once a week. it feels impossible right now. I didn't work out as much. I was tired. I will finish the light bringer book soon I got a gummy last Saturday and it fucked me up. I felt panicked that my parents will come into my room and scream at me or SMTH. Life doesn't feel real. I felt down because of work. I had to push myself to do my job. I didn't want to work. I feel upset that I found it so hard to understand some stuff about my job. I am not the best at what I'm doing. Selling on eMag feels different because I'm better at it. Thats why I want to make it a full time job. So I decided to focus more on my life overall and take a break from dating. I am not getting the girls I want and I'm loosing time and energy. I can use my little free time to read and work out. I can drive and work on my business. At the end of the day driving will make a bigger difference in my life than these girls ever will. I had two dates last week. Nice girls but didn't really like them. Just wanted experience. The last girl was spending her whole free time watching tv series all day. We couldn't even talk about that because she couldn't remember even one she likes besides FROM. I asked her about it since I watched the first season 2 years ago. I also read the resumes from the last season this year. Well, she didn't even remember how the last season ended. She didn't remember anything at all about the 8 hours she watched...... I used to be the same. I still am. I felt ashamed that I live with my parents and that I don't drive. She has a car and also an apartment. Both girls had that. She told me that she has no energy to do anything after work. I'm afraid to be like that again. I thought more of the things I can do to make differences in my life. I'm pissed it took me so long. It still will take me longer to build this amazing life. I will have to give up reading fiction as well. I will need to focus even more on my goals. I'm really changing my life, day my day. My supervisor said nothing changed this year for him. Damn, so many things changed for me. I don't want to be like him again. I want to change and grow. This it feels stupid to have a serious relationship now. Man, I find it such a waste of time to hang out often and watch tv series. Maybe I'm bitter for being single. Anyways , I'm looking forward to actually make more hard stuff for myself like driving. Damn, it's hard. I stopped eating so many sweets. I feel so much better. Also I got my second hepatitis vaccine. Did I tell you that?

Hello 👋 I worked overtime every day to finish my tasks. I still have a few for tomorrow. We are talking about takes from 3 weeks ago. Some of them consistent just about sending some emails. Lol. I had a meeting with a very organized colleague of mine. I'm building my schedule like he does now. I just started. I am not saving well the info from clients and tasks I have to do. I have to change SMTH. I came home after working overtime and worked even afte that for my business. Went to bed at 2 am and I was very tired each day. Damn, it was a hard day. It was an effort to test these girls. I just forgot! My supervisor asked me why the fuck don't I fix the feed of products from a client. He was missing delivery and return options in Google merchant center. I spent my whole month messaging some dude from that company to fix that. But I could have done that myself a month ago. Lol. 🥲. I felt so upset....

It was a very hard week. I got my first warning ⚠️ at work for not doing my job. My supervisor checked all my accounts and found out I have unfinished takes for 3 weeks. I felt like shit. Went to work at the office all week as well. It was hard but I did my tasks. I have to do overtime to finish this shit on time. I focused too much on my business and it's too obvious I don't about doing my job well. Giving a fuck for several weeks didn't help me. I didn't get new dates. I don't feel liem replaying all day to these girls. I don't remember the name of the girl who didn't want to move the conversation on Instagram right away. I asked the ugly girl if she has a boyfriend, I didn't know why. I was shocked that she did and he had no problem of her using Instagram to get laid. She literally said that. Than I told her I'm not ok with that and I just wanted to end the conversation. She was dating this guy since last summer but never met f2f lol? She kept texting me every day, multiple times a day since: I love you, that guy didn't replay to me so do you want a relationship with me?, I want to be your you, hello, I'm cold, I'm tired, I miss you etc How can you tell I love you when we didn't even meet?! I worked overtime this weekend for my job and I didn't like it. I find it so weird to do it. I'm used to work for my business, anytime but not for my job. It doesn't feel right I'm still thinking to go to a gym next week. We just had the best month judging by sales so far. Isn't not even over! Lol!

hello Yesterday was fucking hard as fuck. my supervisor saw that I didn't implemented some campaign fast enough and criticized me for that. I got so upset. now I have to come at the office extra two days. shit. I felt so down. my business isn't working faster, I made some mistakes about the last order from China and so on. I feel upset that things are going better overall. I thought again to go to the gym. It would be another big thing for me. We almost went to see a car but the guy who was selling it wasn't trustworthy. Things on tinder aren't going anywhere. I have matches with girls I don't find attractive and the girls I do like aren't interested. I spoke with some weird ugly girl and I asked her if she has a boyfriend. She said yes but she's looking for fun now. Wtf? Her eyes are looking in different places. Yet she has a boyfriend and it's looking for more? c'mon! I told her I'm not ok with that instead of ghosting her She wrote to me again - I don't think I have a boyfriend anymore. He didn't contact me since Sunday. Wtf? I mean what is going on ? I spoke with another girl who scolded me for not telling her I'm going to sleep after I seen her last message. I replayed to her next day. She didn't want to jump to Instagram because she had a bad experience with some dude. Yeah, great👍. We talked for a little and that's it I'm still wondering what I'm doing wrong. All these matches and I can't get a date with a decent girl. That's why I want to focus on myself more. I still don't have a place of my own. I still don't drive and so on. Anyways, I feel quite upset overall. Life is shit and I need to work harder. I'm upset on myself for being so resistant to go to a gym. Yet, I'm upset for not being sure if I'm growing or not at home what am I waiting for?

Hey 💸 Met with friends and I didn't feel very well. I actually said hey, I'm going home. Stopped o. May way home and got some junk food. Once I arrived I wanted to get a gummy to run away from what I'm feeling. What am I feeling? I'm looking for motivation and hope. Yesterday I didn't have time to work out as i wanted but I did a lot of tasks I have postponed for months and weeks. It didn't take me super long to finish them. My friends asked me what happened with that girl. I was to embarrassed to tell them that I actually said please, let's still be together after that big argument we had. She broke up with me anyways, I felt like shit, all just to have a girlfriend experience for some more time. It wasn't worth it. I felt like shit. I was better alone honestly. I knew she is difficult but I just said to myself I have to endure this shit for a little while because I don't have better options

Hello 🤗 Work has been quite difficult at my job since I started actually giving a shit. I have to call my clients, be sure they are doing good, follow up, optimize campaigns and so on. I am so used to do the bear minimum. I m not feeling great overall. I'm impatient to make more money and it will take longer than I expected. I am told my dad I want to buy a car and he offered to help me. I feel bad that I have focused so much on my business and didn't even give a fuck about getting that skill. I made a list with all the things I would rather do than drive, work on my weaknesses and so on. Pathetic. I finally looked up how much I spent last few months. I spent way more than I expected. That's not good man. I didn't even know. I have been giving in lately to buying food to feel better. I have checked out some TV series on IMDb. Wondering if I should watch some of them. I lost some hope. Man, it's fucking hard to become a better person. It's hard to work out 3 times a week, eat well, work, and keep the hope alive. I finished the 5th book form the red rising series. I feel proud, the last book had 1000 pages. But maybe I should read SMTH else, smarter. I ordered the next one from vinted. I didn't get any new dates lately. I was lazy to replay to girls, and the ones I did talk to picked up on the fact that Im not really interested. I was thinking I should sleep more and take care of myself better. I also want to take the next step and go to a gym. I have already completed over 2 years working out at home. I'm not sure if I'm making progress. I need some real advice. I have feared to go to the gym for years man. It feels so fucking difficult, same as driving. I was thinking to watch tv series but what's the point? I will be as unhappy as my mom. she is back watching tv series daily. I know that I'm doing well but I can do better. Also, I'm starting to have less joy flapping to porn every day for months already. Meh. I have to quit that too. I stopped using Instagram every day. That's a good thing.

Hello 👋 🤗 Finally, a new Page! Last week I arrived at work actually super early even if I was tired. I took my work more seriously and man, it's fucking hard. I called my clients, once emailed them, asked for help, and set up campaigns. It took me longer than I expected. I didn't have any new dates. Just some weird intersections. A girl told me she just wants to suck dick. It wasn't real right? I said hello on Instagram and she said do I know you? I read the description of her first pics - don't message me if you don't know me. There are fake accounts who pretend it's me. I felt so embarrassed for falling for that. But after a few days she asked me on Instagram why I seen her message. So was it real? Black Friday was nuts! We had 140 orders! Last year we had none. My friend had around 1700. Damn! My profit isn't much but I'm going somewhere. I told to a friend about the crazy amount of orders and he asked for the profit. The profit isn't that much tho. But Im learning a lot. Last weekend I felt very sad that that guy didn't call me. I put all my hopes into books

Hello I asked for 3 new clients and i got them. I also got another one last week. Now i have 25 accounts (including the clients with FB and Google Ads). Some client might leave so i asked for the new ones to be alright. These clients are from a colleague who quit. I know them. I had a call with this colleague and i told him about my business. He said damn, i didnt know that! He told me more about the 5 clients who took besides his job and how much he makes. He is going to work for an agency which is better organised than ours. His salary is also bigger and he will be working remote and is going to learn even more. He has more courage than me even if he basically had almost a year and a half of facebook and google ads. I am still scared to do it on my own after almost 4 years. The accounts i got from him arent very well set up. But he spoke with these clients very often. I offered him to help with his future marketplace business because he told me about wanting to start smth next year. He even offered me a job to work with him and make the same money but working waaaay less. I am tempted. He also advised me to get a remote job and have time for this business as well. He is right, what am i waiting for? Another 6 months to get another $250 raise? Yeah,, i really got comfortable here =)))))))))))))))))))) Indeed, what am i doing? im complaining that i dont earn enough but i am not really doing smth about it. i got comfortable. to be honest i cant even picture myself going to another job or working remote. before i talked with this guy i didnt even think about this possibility. Man, i have a lot to think about i had a date with a meh girl last week. i didnt like her and she was even less attractive f2f. she asked me how am i after the date and i seen her message for a day until i wrote to her im not interested. it was very mature of me. spoke with other girls but i got no dates. i worked more on my business. i keep finding myself not working harder and choosing to read or just spend time on instagram. i should work hard every day, if i really want to make this a full time job. what else? it was hard to go to the office after working from home for a week. i was so tired i got late at work and had to work extra that day. i questioned when i will be able to do do ecomm full time as a seller. i met with my friend last saturday and i felt like it will take even longer to get to his level. i kept thinking great things will take less time to build. i got 2 of those jellies last week and i cant say i got some great insights. i looked at a picture of teo and i couldn't believe i was at a date with her last year. i was thinking of all the real life things i am can accomplish that will feel like drugs, unreal! like imagine driving again - man, that would be dope. i looked at a picture of my last ex by mistake and i just felt disgust. there were no more layers to that. just meh, i wasted my time, i should have left sooner etc. i woke up next day and i was still high. i panicked. i worried my parents will see me like that. i worked out harder and more last week but this week i focused on work more. a 35 years old colleague came back at work and he was weirder than ever. i freaked out thinking i might be like that in a few years. just sad, fat and lazy. he has a higher salary than me but his life is miserable. i feel sorry for him a colleague noticed that i worked out and i was surprised.

Hey 🐍 So I waited all day to double text her about what's she's doing, if she didn't replay because she was busy with work and university. She actually replied very corporate style that she doesn't want to keep the interaction going because we aren't on the same page. Good luck. I said ok, thank you for letting me know, good luck and was a pleasure to meet you. I also saw that she unfollowed me and took her my acces to her Instagram account. I felt very cringe for double texting her when I didn't get the hint after 24 hours. I felt cringe for putting her in this position and looking so desperate for texting again. I thought about it and calmed down. It's ok, i learned form this interaction. I shouldn't have pushed the second time but I didn't try anymore to change her mind. Oh, I actually used this interaction on a girl who also kept texting me and didn't get the hint after not replaying to her since Sunday. Lol. I copy and paste the previous message and sent it to her. She said haha very corporate and ouch. She also unfollowed me lol. I thought some more and decided to unfollow teo1 as well. I embarrassed enough in front of her. I even reacted to her story a few weeks ago. I definitely looked desperate and cringe. I also unfollowed my ex. She unfollowed me after we met lol. I am proud of myself. Interesting thing, I told these things to my friend and he said lol, block them and the girl who rejected you is crazy. He also told me I should have stopped the conversation when the second girl kept on telling me about how much she hates her life. Man, I felt so uncomfortable. But I struggle to reject these girls and say what I really mean sometimes. I worked out today and I had an idea. Why not lock in for a few months, why not go to the gym for a while? I mean I really want to. It's a goal, why not spend some time working on it, like I did with my business, my ex and for university. I worked out less in july and august when I dated Em. Why not spend the next two months actually setting up time in my schedule to work out more, read work out material, etc. I mean, really, why not? I had time for a month to plead my ex to stay together but I don't have time to do SMTH for me? What? My mom is watching tv series again because she feels bad. She's frustrated with her life and is excaping into tv series. She's upset that we don't let her alone. She doesn't want to be helped. I would have be upset as well if they reacted like that 3 years ago.

Hey 🐺 I waited all day to get a message form the girl I went on a date on Sunday. I kept wondering what I've done wrong. I really like her. But I have to say that I expected that because I'm not travelling as often as her. As I said, I got off work until Wednesday so I worked a lot on my business. I am trying to work hard but I keep getting distracted or bored or frustrated. Man, it's hard! I actually seek distractions. I like having my own schedule. I didn't dread having to work for myself on Monday. I just did the work. I spent a few hours a day on Instagram I the last few days. I don't like this. I didn't read much. i wanted to focus on work but I did waste time on Instagram. Lol. I spent around 2 hours looking at movie trailers and reading movie reviews. I didn't watch anything but I wanted to. Why? Because it's hard. Dating is hard, this business is hard but I know better than that. My mom was watching Netflix from the other room. She asked for my help to search in her Netflix history and I told her I forgot where it is. Crazy! It's been almost 2 years since I touched that platform alone. I keep thinking to go back at tv series from time to time. But why? To feel some motivation again. I want to feel miserable and than change my life again. To be honest I feel frustrated that I'm not pulling better girls. But man, I need to be even better to pull them. It feels impossible to be honest. Maybe I'm not looking where I should. Maybe not having a place and a car are deal breakers. While I was at the date with her I was thinking I should get some life experience as well. Take some courses, work out more, travel, do SMTH fun, walk again, chill, etc. Maybe I am working too much for nothing. But I do have time for a walk on a Sunday. But I have to work for real, without distractions for longer periods of time. I have no idea how much I worked today. It felt a lot, from noon to 2 am but with breaks. I'm wondering if this effort will pay off. But I know it does. Especially if I put some more effort at work to get more money. 🚨I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling to be honest. I'm proud of how I lived my last year and this year. I'm extremely proud but I still feel isn't hard core enough. I'm not feeling good enough, after all this work but I feel better. But I also feel I'm missing on some stuff. 🤯 I'm on the path and I'm getting better overall. Maybe I need more hope and to think of my achievements. Each time I speak with a girl they don't work on SMTH after work. Most of them are watching tv series or wasting time somehow. Apparently I'm hardcore but I see it as normal. Especially that now I'm questioning my work ethic. I cant believe its October! I feel better in every way since the beginning of the year.

hey 🦀 The date went well and I was very nervous beforehand. I really enjoyed spending time with her. She was late 30 minutes and kept apologizing. Told her each time to chill. The venue was so beautiful and I read the messages I got from telegram. She even fell on the street because she was in a rush haha She left to the bathroom and I set there enjoying the venue, the river and the sun. It was such a beautiful day. I was so much in the present. I couldn't believe I'm there, with a beautiful girl, talking and having fun. I didn't feel repulsed by her like I usually do when I date a girl from tinder. She is beautiful. Smart too. She didn't let me hold her hand afterwards so I didn't try again. I am not sure if she wants to meet again or not. I had a great time. We walked afterwards. I felt excited thinking we might end up dating. I like her energy. I felt inspired by how much she traveled. I should stop to overthink so much before having these dates. What else? Worked out so hard I got dizzy while hanging. It felt like a drug. Amazing. I loved it. I fell and I didn't know what's going on. The music was blasting. Such a good workout. I edited more pics and now I'm in bad. It was such a beautiful day. Thank you

hey 🤯 I was supposed to go to Greece this weekend with my sister, my brother and her husband. My brother told me to apologize or else he won't take me to Greece in his car. I got triggered. I felt manipulated and said I'm not going to if I am force to. So I didn't go. My sister and her husband tried several times to make me apologize but I refused over and over again. So I spent my last 2 days reading, working out, speak with some girls from tinder and working on my business. I'm concerned that I'm not working hard enough. I get bored or districted after some time. I got a habit to check my phone or switch tasks and so on. Isn't working. I want to just focus on one takes instead of taking a lot of breaks. I decided to read less and spend the next few days just working. More exactly I need to edit pics for the product listings I have to do. I feel very resistant to finish them but I know I can do it. I trust myself with this one. I can relax in a few days. I didn't take drugs either. I want to be sharp. I set up a date with a girl I'm actually excited to meet. I'm already worried she won't like me. So from what I've seen on Instagram I want to be part of her life. She's very interesting. I didn't feel the same about E. I feel anxious to mess things up with this girl. She is actually beautiful and smart. I don't feel ashamed to talk about her. I'm also speaking with 3 other girls. One of them is very pushy, annoying and broke down about her life while we were talking. I don't want to deal with that. These 3 girls aren't even pretty. I already worry what people will say if they see me date them. Hack, I didn't even like them. I don't regret not going to Greece. I really enjoyed my time here. I'm still excited I can work next few days. I will make huge progress.