Everyday

regrets from last year? i wish i focused on a few ESSENTIAL habits rather than jumping from book to book and practice to practice. oof all that mattered was to study for my college entry exams. i should have leared to deal with procrastination and not good ways to study. if i could do it all over again i would have done more with my free time. a sport. swimming! and joined a meditationg group and estatic dance group in my city. all i did was to stress too much for nt studyign due to lazyness and resitance.

I just started learning Dutch. i am currently using Anki and fluent forever pronunciation flashcards. Why do i want to learn it in the first place? Because i want to understand the Dutch culture and people at a deeper level,for uni and also professionally later on.

the ``spicy mint`` above i have kept over the winter. it was so small. it`s a cutting from a mint i had for 2-3 years. t was unproductive anyways. not like the new one. that`s what happens when you don't ``train`` those veins. like i did last summer you have to constantly re-arrange them in the way you want to grow. yay! more flowers mint&parsley from the tray bell pepper plant. i have it for over a year now. in the winter it made some small bell peppers. one of them look literally like a small yellowish butt lol lol i put fertilizers bars in the arugula pots. the one below seems dead now. well, that`s how you learn fertilizer bar https://raminnazer.com/collections/prints/products/youth https://raminnazer.com/#art

fried vegetables&chicken (half of a batch of cauliflower, 1 broccoli, a quarter of zucchini, 2 carrots, 1 parsnip,1 bell pepper + flax&hemp seeds at the end; because in the pan the seeds are wasted and burned on the bottom of the pan as Ive observed so far) she taught me also to make a chicken soup with extra vegetables *suggestion: use dried mushrooms in any of he recipes above lentils recipe: https://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-cook-lentils-on-the-stove-116321 fried vegetables: broccoli,mix of mushrooms, steamed beetroot,pink salt ,zucchini,bell paper, sunflower+olive oils and some seeds at the end sesame,hemp,flax Quinoa with parsley and curry + fried vegetables: 1 bell pepper, 1 big-ass tomato, shimeji and Enoki Mushrooms. this was the first time i tried these mushrooms. i was resistant at first. but its tasteful and pushing out of my comfort zone payed off. rice&chicken&vegetables that`s almost everything i wanted to learn to cook before leaving. i wanted to learn to cook couscous too but the recipes above are a good start anyways. yesterday i crossed all these recipes off my to-do list from Habitica. finally. i wont starve at college - i have no idea why people keep saying that at college you will eat only bread,potatoes and ramen soup. the grains above are ridiculously cheap! and you can buy frozen veggies to cook even cheaper!

20 8 2018, dinsdag/tuesday i feel a plethora of neg feelings i feel worried, self doubt , stressed and excited. my home baggage its done . i think ill be the only one who actually took the time to over-prepare for college by reading posts,watching videos etc. i trimmed a part of my beard very short by mistake and bc i wasn't thinking actively about the action of doing it . than was like: hmm i better shave it. than i felt comically insecure and worried that i wont be as attractive for the opposite sex till my beard grows back. lol. like i would actually do smth .... ha-ha-ha yesterday i thought about what my sophomore year elf would think of my current ``problems``. it was interesting. i realized that the only things that will matter after one year is to: maintain self-actualization habits, develop study habits,socializing,joining meditation group, improving English ,cooking for myself, etc. but i to return to that inexplicable calm attitude i got before the final exams in high school. i just accept the challenge itself and just detach from it. now, i am excited , although worried from time to time. i feel excited that ill have to cook for myself, to do the laundry and taking walks in parks alone that`s a really good article on freshmen advice :https://www.savethestudent.org/extra-guides/freshers/30-mistakes-every-first-year-will-make.html. it`s interesting how all the college advice i gathered so far boils down to a few things: join a club/start hobby exercise,eat well,sleep well socializing, introducing yourself to people studying , study programme organizational skills financial skills go to professor`s office hours volunteer/internship/part-time job go to class, do homework early get out of your room. don't be a Godzilla in its cave writing these posts takes time and i want to do them right. plus for some reason thinking that i have to write them stresses me even more. ill take a short break starting from Thursday 23th. i will start a new thread and report my experiences in 2-3 weeks(or sooner). i am excited to start my COLLEGE JOURNAL. i have been waiting this for months .

11 8 2018

12 8 2018 swimming after 8 years I felt anxious on the way to the beach, expecting some of my sibling's friends or my siblings to pick on me just like my father did I was in my mind at first so i didn't enjoy the sun, water or the beach. When i got out from the water i kept feeling bad seeing so many hot girls in bikini (and i felt like this even before). also i compared the cold water of the sea with the action of taking cold showers -you just do it. But than i was there just watching the sea. I was in the present. Being in the present moment wasn't like i expected. It's a struggle not a lever you push, and you are in the present instantly Than i enjoyed more swimming and just being there. But I still felt from time to time (normally) worried, anxious, envious, needy, frustrated cuz i wasn't hitting on hot girls. latterly i thought of busting my nut but i resisted. i have had tremendous urges to fap in the last month but i resisted. no fap it`s still going strong after the second experience i just let things go, i felt less negative feelings because i felt happy swimming and taking bath showers so I was less stuck in my head. Just focus your attention on the warmth of the sand, the sun, the endless sight of water, etc. Also it helped that i just pushed myself further by doing other activities in hindsight, I could have eaten healthier if i wanted to. I could have bought at least 2 smoothies instead of a stake at a restaurant . Plus i could have brought some healthy foods from home like nuts or dried fruits. Also, i could have even brought some cooked lentils and stored them in the fridge. I could have got some groceries from a market on my way from the train station beforehand. I felt the most anxiety and neg feelings about conflict moments /standing up for myself in front of some ethnic group in my country who is pretty much oriented to trickery,theft,intimidation,beatings,public inadequacy,beatings,etc . i am afraid of them,but at the root cause i am afraid of getting in conflict with them or with other people in general. i contemplated the ``why`` of this problem many times: it appears that i am afraid of getting beaten; to feel powerless&weak; to have my father calling me weak for getting myself beaten or that i got fooled by some person(both happen in my childhood). Also i felt lots of anxiety regarding insecurity about the way i looked, that i am not a cool dude who has cool friends who can feel confident and not caring what others think and can have fun. i watched these thoughts with awareness whilst i kept looking around saying to myself that i am not that or this, i am not enough ,i am not ........ something, i am too like that or this I flirted with more than 2 girls . One of them was 30+ . Lol . Obviously I did nothing . But I flirted!~ its smth. Its interesting how I don’t want just to flirt as best as I can aka awkwardly bc I don’t want to loose the girl lol . i managed a tense/conflict moment(yay) and a girl saw that and i think she got impressed.The second girl I flirted was on a bus . baby steps . i am deeply ashamed and worried writing about this attempts of mine of pickup / baby steps in pickup. for over a month approximatively i kept flirting with random girls outdoors but i didn't mentioned this here because i don't want to be called a pussy for not actually taking massive action. i don't want someone to tell me what i already know i should be doing . i had some insights about myself and pickup but ill talk about them when ill start pickup. one day.... i think my problem is that i don't know the theory . ill just keep taking baby steps i resisted at first, i told myself that i pushed my comfort zone enough for 1 day. i went clubbing with them although i felt like i should cross this self imposed boundary in NL, my myself, safe and away from judgment from the people that know me. i am ashamed of dancing although i want to dance. anyways, i convinced myself that ill get some experience from this , i can flirt there + i can leave if i wanted to. I danced there. No body said nothing. I copied my moves from a dude who really felt the music, at first till i surrendered to the present moment and l let myself enjoy the music and express it through my body. I was self conscious of my moves but i just tried to feel the music and dance anyways. one of my sibling`s friends made fun of my dance moves. I felt ashamed but i told myself that he must be insecure like me, and picks on people just to bust his self esteem. I didn't take myself to seriously. No body cared. i felt safe in the darkness of the club, i always feel safe in the dark. I chose a spot near the stage and started dancing. I FELT THE MUSIC BOY .it was a wonderful moment, dancing with the crowd in the dark. amazing . from time to time i would remember that i am with them and than all my dancing looked forced and i felt insecurity increasing than i would just focus on the music and so on. Definitely looking forward for more. Update:15 aug 2018--- my sibling told my mother and me again - that I danced at that edm party. I felt ashamed but I reminded how important was for me and how nobody cares. 13 8 2018 day 2, visited a resort i used to go to all the time when younger insights: My parents weren't doing anything fun when i was a child. all we were doing was to watch TV. Therefore i might have developed anxiety and embarrassment regarding dancing,sports, doing fun activities like cycling, beach&board games etc. Hammy interesting. Moreover , he made fun of anyone who was any extracurricular activity . Be it a hobby,chess,volunteering,playing,singing,cycling,running,gym,creative hobbies, partying, fun activities etc. He was too insecure (still is) to go out there and therefore labeled everyone as inferior and weird to protect his ego. lol. i haven't joined any sport or club in school so far (except in preschool, but i was pushed my them to do so). i just felt weird and ashamed to be there. he fucked up my life, but now it`s my duty to grow it like a flower as i please Also i remembered many of his anger outbursts he had(still does) . nowadays, if i do smth he might label as wrong i immediately start feeling tremendous spikes of neg feelings such as fear and self-doubt. i feel afraid of being criticized,called names,threatened and screamed at by him like he often did, growing up. maybe, thats how i developed my difficulties of dealing with conflict. i wasn't allowed to stand up for myself . it`s funny in a twisted way how a little insecure beer-belly middle aged man can do to a child. lol imagine a man screaming at a child from the lenses of a personal development enthusiast . he would just see a sad unhappy & unhealthy man with many unresolved wounds screaming at a child not a financially successful man. lol 12 8 2018 swimming after 8 years

6 august 2018 i spread some dried grass from my loan around the plants to keep humidity and to encourage worms to shelter beside it(worm poop=organic fertilizer) above i tried to dry some soil from my garden. i dried up like this. just boulders and dirt. i thought that i will look like the soil i bought from stores. but apparently that soil is combined with different ingredients and quality soil from the mountains. my garden soil it`s supposed to look like this. interesting! because these morning glories where planted to late they didn't have enough light to grow even though i lain an aluminum foil on the ground(which helped because before that their growth was insignificant ) parsley, after a few times of being sprayed with essential oils. it used to be full of gnats and damaged leafs i finally sprayed my plants(before going to the beach) with an essential oils mix after weeks of resistance these 2 tomato plants that survived in that tray that mint plant used to be a cutting i took from the mother plant. yap. look at it now! they grow so fast! i arranged those old electrical wires by myself. they used to stay in some shady corner of the backyard. i still have a few wires but there is no point in stetting them if ill be leaving in a few weeks. i feel sad to leave my plants, probably more than about leaving my family .lol. those motherfuckers leaf curls aphids re-appeared. it haven't rained in a while. i just felt like i dont know what to do so i procrastinated to treat this problem the plants above are the morning glories leftovers from the growing tray. i felt bad to throw them away thats my favorite@! i buried a root in a pot . i will cut it soon,separating it from the mother mint and ill have a new independent mint plant ! here is my 2nd or 3rd experiment of making hay. 1st time i just lay it on the ground and rooted. 2nd & 3rd time i put it here, safe from wind&rain. it worked, although the 3rd time i put too much and it took way too long to dry up . that`s a PVC pipe i found unused and unwanted in my tool-shed. i made some wholes with a knife and set it in the soil for drainage. i hope the morning glory`s roots grew around the pipe

tomorrow ill go to swim after a 7-8 years break due to body insecurities lol i cant wait to get away from my father`s insecurities and short temper . i begun taking medium-warm showers than i switch to freezing cold showers. i feel good. a few months ago i thought i cant do it. i bought a few worms from a fishing shop because in my country organic farming is non-existent therefore no-organic shops. i buried them together with some spoiled vegetables i dealt with a conflict today. it wasn't perfect but i stood up for myself like never before. it`s just a +1 experience. i had mu standards too high. i don't need to make a 360 degrees shift just a lil one every time. it`s so obvious now i`ll attend to a meditation group, an Expat meet-up and another event in the city ill be studying. i feel worried,excited and self-doubt. i am insecure about my English skills. i will start college soon.

beautiful

NEW! what i will leave from home with 8 pairs of underwear+ what i own now. i wanted to bring more but it would be too much 8 socks + what i won now 2 pairs of jeans 2 pairs of short pants 3 long towels 2 short towels

the parsley below as spray every 3 days or so with an essential oils mix anti-aphids etc consisting of: dish soap, regular soup, mint,rosemary and lavender essential oils

How to control the leaf curl aphid Many insects, including lady beetles, green lacewings, flower flies, and parasytic wasps, prey on leaf curl aphids. Aphids can be removed from trees and shrubs by just washing with water. actually it rained a lot for week and 98%of aphids died. isn't this amazing? Insecticidal soap and contact insecticides can kill many aphids, but leaf curl aphids are protected by the leaf wrapped around them. We apply systemic insecticides to kill leaf curl aphids when insect predators, washing and contact insecticides aren't enough to control your aphid infestation. For aphids that cause leaves to curl, once aphid numbers are high and they have begun to distort leaves, it's often difficult to control these pests, because the curled leaves shelter aphids from insecticides and natural enemies. Substantial numbers of any of these natural control factors can mean the aphid population may be reduced rapidly without the need for treatment. Ants are often associated with aphid populations, especially on trees and shrubs, and frequently are a clue that an aphid infestation is present. If you see large numbers of ants climbing your tree trunks, check higher up the tree for aphids or other honeydew-producing insects that might be on limbs and leaves. To protect their food source, ants ward off many predators and parasites of aphids. Managing ants is a key component of aphid management. (See Cultural Control.) Many predators also feed on aphids. The most well known are lady beetle adults and larvae, lacewing larvae, soldier beetles, and syrphid fly larvae. Where aphid populations are localized on a few curled leaves or new shoots, the best control may be to prune out these areas and dispose of them. In large trees, some aphids thrive in the dense inner canopy; pruning out these areas can make the habitat less suitable. When aphids can't be controlled by these natural methods, insecticides containing the active ingredients acephate, bifenthrin, and imidacloprid are effective. This type of aphid is easily controlled, however, early treatment is recommended before damage occurs. Treatments can be done by soil injection where by making for a safer and more efficient way to treat this pest.

@Rinne that`s a pic from Google. yes, i know that it isn't effective to use negations.

6 August 2018

i`ve been interested of the self-hypnosis side of self-help industry since even before discovering leo but due to believing that i am to busy and poor prioritization i never really got into it. well maybe for a few months 2 years ago -it really helped me to solve the anxiety i had around a specific action. anyways resistance kicked in and my BS to do it perfectly pretty much made me quit going further anyways ive been using this self-hypnosis technique for over a month before mediation/self hypnosis language learning audio/shamanic breathing. it really does relax me. you just put yourself in a mild trance: Language Learning Success Self Hypnosis CD / MP3 Download Make learning a new language easier with the help of hypnosis! i cant recommand this enough. plus it`s very very very relaxing. it`s a quality recording meaning that it makes you feel, see and experience not like the shit i used 2 years ago. i am thinking of switching my do-nothing meditation with a guided meditation mp3 recorded version / relaxation self hypnosis. why? because my mediation practice have been slowly turning to shit. i started struggling 10 months ago after i hit a year of do-nothing mediation (witch was wonderful). in the last 4-5? months it got almost impossible to mediate without getting unbearably bored , stressed or just intense day dreaming