Everyday

Hello, The date from tinder stopped responding to my last message a few days ago. I don't mind. I t was a challenge after all. I got other 2-3 matches. Just one responded and I am chatting with her now. I learned to state in my description more, like how long i am in X country, what am I looking for etc. I saw some girls' description this way. One company said they wont offer me an internship if i am not a student here anymore. This made me sad. This Friday I am going to the company which responded very fast. I told them the truth- if we can arrange something next summer because i am going to study in my country. They had no problem. I will find out details this Friday. And a company from another western European country responded. The guy was too busy with work. He said I must have some monetary means to cover my expenses besides what they give me. I can save up money and get a part time job while there as well. No problem. I am waiting for his response. I decided to start Krav Maga when I come back. I got some saved money to take lessons for at least 3 months. I want to start because I feel weak and afraid to stand up for myself in front of other men. I worry I will be beaten. It happened once in middle school. And I let that day affect me to this very day. Thank you

Hey Planned by departure. My back is better. I was really scared it will get worse. I will have a meeting with a guy from another company next week. I told him I might come next summer but I really want to learn how are they operating their small business. We will talk details at the company. Found a place for a possible internship over summer in my city. I got a date from Tinder. I did not expect this so soon. It was just a challenge. Thank you

Hey! Just got back from that company. They said they have no internship or job offer in the summer. And defiantly no money for a paid internship. Well, i tried. Plus, i saw how this small company works and how can i work smth like this at home but small scale. The money and the 4 hours (back and forth) trip could have been avoided of i talked with the boss directly and told him i want to work this summer. The guys there don't communicate with each other so they had no idea I'm coming until i contacted them again this morning. Now each time i remember about failing college and not finding a job in the industry i will say all kinds of sentences i wrote down so to prevent negative beliefs to form. Like i cant get a job and so on. I didn't expect this situation to end like this. I decided to go back to my country. I have another interview at the beginning of July. And I will ask them if i can come next summer. I had enough. I will fix my back and save some money until then. Right after they told me i got angry and frustrated for failing college. I thought is not fair and how i missed a huge opportunity. But maybe i have to go backwards to go forward. Maybe this double failure is meant for a purpose in the near future by forcing me to come and study home. Maybe i will meet someone, learn smth and come across smth it will be worthwhile in the end. I can't see the reason behind these failures right now. Woke up and back pain was still there. Had pain all morning. Told to the people i work with i cant resist like this. Thought i will disappoint them. They were very understanding and kind. I will work a few hours from now on per day until i leave. When i went to visit that company i felt like all pain was gone. I was really excited and worried i will mess up and not arrive like last week. I arrived almost 20 min earlier. I have a few things i want to re-frame and develop now, instead of letting them become negative and limited beliefs. To improve my cv, knx on the subject and practical skills. I will improve my cv by updating LinkedIn and reading how to make a good resume articles. I will watch more videos on the subject i want to learn and make a plan step by step. I will apply for more jobs in the summer related to my passion.

No news today unfortunately. Two years ago I had back pain so bad I had done therapy and i was fine. I've got better slowly. The place i am working for the past month here (related to school) is involving lots of hard physical work. So far I was fine. But at the end of last week or this Monday I've forced myself too much. The last two days I started having lots of pain. It feels exactly like two years ago. I expected strong pain out of a sudden soon. Tried to work more carefully. But if it continues like this I will have to go back home to recover. I can not get mad anymore. Is just funny and unbelievable how many obstacles I get in my way. I just only want to work in that niche industry and fallow my passion and interests.

New emails: three rejections basically. All said they aren't looking for employees this summer. I dont know if this is true or not. One really good small company said they only accepts workers as interns at first. But they are full for summer as well. Maybe I can go there next summer. Rent a place for a few months work part time and there and then come back for studies. On this Wednesday i have an interview at another amazing small company. Is very young so i am skeptic of ho much they can give me for now. My mother called me to tell i better decide already because my father is angry. She is afraid and abused verbally by him a long time and etc. i wont talk about it now. I fount it ridiculously to make a choice just because he is angry now. He is always angry! Lol. I decided to study back in my city if i dont get a job here now. I am starting to loose my hope. I am daydreaming about all the things i would be able to do once home. I checked another uni but they have some requirements i dont even meet. I told my parents after working for a company for a year i will go there to study to calm both down. They dont understand how i would be ok with living with just enough money all in the name of learning. What kind of life is that if you dont earn enough money? Both have miserable lives in my opinion btw.

Thanks for sharing.

I journaled more about my bad habits to understand them. bad habits are formed when you fail to solve your problems. so always always ask other people, brainstorm, search answers and solutions when you face a problem otherwise a bad habit is formed (e.g. giving up and procrastination). Re-starting learning Dutch Problem: I wanted to re-start with dutch for some time now. But I had no idea from where to start. I made a 3 day plan not a 7 day plan, now I feel much much relaxed. Is not perfect but 30m every day is nice then nothing. All these months I didn’t do it just because I had no plan. Solution: Pretty simple. I had to push myself. 3 days learning Dutch plan. 30min in total each day . Also you can search for how to make quick weekly schedules. Also think about the actual task. Just tacking 3min to write down in a table man. Meditation inconsistency Problem: for over a year I have had difficulties and struggling with meditation. I feel I am not doing it right. I feel I don’t have time to learn to do it right. I have doubts about my practice. I feel resistant and guilt to meditate in a chair or on the ground. I feel cold and too stimulated and worried to do it. I perceive the whole process very difficult. I think I dont have time for 5m of meditation. Solution: change technique, medi time or time span. Wear a blanket. Do it in the morning. Read 10 minutes every day about focus meditation from sites. Write down each day of medi evaluation of 2 sentences. I can rationize- that is quick and I will grow through and is good for me. meditated for 5m i had monkey mind. Tackling eating junk food Problem: I don’t want to get fat, to spend money on food. When I overeat junk food I feel sad, defeated, weak, ugly and off the path. Also, lost. Solution: Journal about why you deny or run from current emotions or things that happened recently. Solutions how to fix not to run away. Other activities to do when feeling bored and defeated. Like reviewing your achievements. Writing lists. brainstorm solution for the very problems you run. Tackling boredom and watching tv series/ movies Problem: blocking bad emotions. Also, bored with the work that will make me grow. I perceive spending 2 h reading and watching documentaries and learning dutch too hard and boring. I think I can do it. Solutions: katie loving book- reframing bad emotions. Do it anyways, maybe it gets easier after a few weeks. Because the guilt will be gone. I feel resistant to read or watch documentaries or bad habit videos. I think of it as boring but tv is exciting. I watched a video on youtube of only 20 minutes. I felt a little annoyed for some reason. Good knx and felt good but I cant explain. Finding a place to stay here if i get a job I am stressed about working and finding a place to stay in .. or .. What can I do so that I wont run out from bad feelings which would accumulate? To check rent prices, minimum wage required to live, possible jobs part time in NL and back home too. I can continue with other stuff that stress me. I saved and made a short list with possible jobs back home. I might feel less stressed but I don’t feel much different. Also, checked costs between cities. i saved good links. i feel more relaxed now a little bit- i have somehow a plan. also, i found the name of the ashram from my city back home i might stay until college starts.

The company from NL who which is most likely to offer me a paid internship but no job is paying 250 not 500 euros as i expected. when i heard this i was triggered at the moment. they might offer me even less if i dont have to commute. I cant live with 250 euros and the money from a part time job combined ever! Yesterday i was supposed to visit the company i talked about. I got off at the wrong stop because i was only looking on GPS and not outside as well. I wanted to go by bus to make it on time. i had no cash and i couldn't pay with my card. the only ATM available was 28 min away. i accepted my mistake and messaged them and the guy i had main contact said he is stuck in traffic anyways. afterwards i visited the city. it was nice. i couldn't believe that i made such a funny mistake and in what situation i put myself by pushing myself to find work in this field. i repeated to myself that challenges make me stringer even if i will end up back in my country. my mother sends me every day facts about the universities in those two cities and possible choices i can make all but not staying here. my father and brother strongly disagree to work here just to make ends meets in the name of gaining knowledge and learning. they say i will be a slave for that company and i wont make MONEY! i sent two emails to big companies even if i don't actually want to learn from them. but barely any people even responded to my emails. my first emails were lame but last ones better. i talked about myself, my experience with growing that crop, my aims, etc. i keep loosing faith in this idea that i can find work here in this chosen market of mine. if i go home i have my own garden i can experiment in and less expenses. i would invest all the money i will have from my part time job in my projects. This makes me feel excited but i dont know if is because sounds like a break from the stress i feel know or i actually want it. I made a list of reasons for deciding between the two cities i want to study back home. one of them is the capital, were i was born and raised and the other is basically a town. i would like to go to that student town but this would mean rent money and so on. but in this town i will have a blank slate. no aquintances from school or relatives. more freedom and intimacy. but less activities, supposedly better studies, meetup groups and less people. in my big city i would have lots of people, meetup groups, the opportunity to get a driving license, the techno music scene is better and my very own garden. but less privacy, more chores living with my family, arguing, and seeing people i know and want to avoid. my more people i mean more girls and and opportunity to have an endless supply without seeing them ever again and feeling shame. pickup is what i wanted and need to start for years now. plus i want a driving license to show myself i can do it and also the job I want at that company may require driving skills. After i cancelled the meeting at that company and visited the city i was feeling very anxious, sad, that there is no good future for me and basically all these are triggers for me to deny reality. i almost got hit by a cyclist and a bus and it started raining for a short period. and i was like seriously? and i was making myself to think this is funny in a way all this situation. i didn't like feeling so bad but i said to myself i am becoming a better version of myself. I was in the train back after and i was thinking of overeating and watching some movies or youtube to block myself from feeling down and hopeless. instead i forced myself to visualize fixing this. then writing how i will fix my problems instead of denying them. like: i will send more emails, i will wait for all my emails i sent to be answered, i have a plan b (going home), them ore mistakes i make the more i become a capable adult, that pushing myself in these hard situations will make be more experienced, that i will check the station stops next time and so on. i still felt these emotions and worries but it was better. Three days ago I made a Tinder profile just to show myself i can do it and no body o know will find me on this app since i am not in NL right now. I swiped right without looking too much. I got one pic of me with the uni i failed. I got more then five matches in two days but i dont have it payed so i cant message all. only two i could and they didnt respond. I felt amazing. i dont expect at anything. i indeed showed myself that i dont have to be ultra-prepared to date. or i can stay 2 years in one city and 2 in the other. i thought about moving in a meditation kind of commune. i know is possible until i start school.

Thank you very much this really helps!

Hey last few days i emailed many companies from EU. two said they aren't hiring. tomorrow i will visit a company. i will ask after the company tour for a paid internship/ job. this company is amazing. both good salesman and growers. i got a possible answer from a company in NL. they offer a paid internship but it isn't good paid that i can live only from it. told my family and they got really angry and worried for me. as alternatives i thought of going to my city or another one back home. using summers to do internships abroad. my best friend i made here offered to borrow me money until i find a place and a job to stay if i need. he is the best friend i ever got. he listened to me dealing with this issue currently. i high school and earlier i never had such a good friend. finished the book on breaking bad habits finally. i only read a few pages in 2017 from it. a little ti more in 2018 and this fucking month i finished it. useful knowledge. i am reading it all over again. i got some major insights in my behaviour patters.

i spoke with my father and he suggested to come back bc i need a degree and than i can return here. he said i will never have a high paying job without a degree and stuff like this. he supports me if i come back and i appreciate this. my mother and sister came up with the idea to email companies in other european countries as well- i think this is smart. i didnt tell me father my passion and that i applied to that certain niche companies. to be honest i am ashamed he will make fun of me if i dont get accepted.

my mind is still running scenarios good and bad. i havent talked with my father yet. i sent a few emails to some companies and i hope the best.

the results for my last re exams came today. i failed one of them and the other barely passed. this means i cant continue at the current uni next year. i have been expecting this for some time, even before taking the exams. it was a year of tremendous growth. i was living alone for first time in my life, improved my english, was exposed to new cultures, made true friends for the first time in my life, and the most important thing is that i learned what things i am the most interested about in the field of agriculture. i doubt the need of a college degree in my filed of interest ( agriculture) but i am afraid to do it without it. to be honest i want to delay entering the job market. my mind and soul is torn between short term peace of mind by going back home and getting a degree there and the long term good decision of staying here without a degree and trying to get a job at one of the things i am sure i am interested about. basically i would go back home to get a degree i dont need and come back here and do the same thing but with a degree. i cant even specialise in that thing in my country. deep down i know i should at least try to get a job here than to wait 4 years to come back. tomorrow i will call the main small company i want to work for. i want to build my expertise by learning more about my passion, practicing it and using this as a supplement for not having a degree. following your dreams is indeed hard.

to be honest i do nor remember my affirmation fro ma year ago. but i can tell you for sure that the last 6 months i used mostly the same ones: I am courageous, I am spontaneous, I am patient, I am smart, I am relaxed about needing to change. and i have pushed myself further than i expected. is like a small aid i forgot i had. try it for yourself

nice man

i just finished correcting a report i failed first time. i saw how many mistakes i have made and all were easy to correct. i just panicked and just wrote shit to submit and finish. today i had a bunch of daydreams about eating crap food and stuff liek this. all triggered by this report. i didnt give in. i got to a point i just felt good after my previously self imposed limit. Just remebered somone told me last autmun they went to a Mooji retreat in Portugal and looked at me like i am supposed to know him. At the time i only knew this name was mentioned on the forum before. I read the article mentioned by somone the other day on the forum. I had no idea that he is really fucked up as thsi article says. If i knew this at the time the woman told me i would have told her or looked suspicious to her: https://gurumag.com/becoming-god-inside-moojis-portugal-cult/

i had new insights of my bad behaviours from that book. i am unsatisfied and frustrated with my current skills with women so i compensate subconsciously by watching movies, porn and masturbation. so one of the reasons i watch so many movies late at night is to put myself in the shoes of the guys with girlfriends and all those romantic moments. this way i fool myself that everything is fine in the real world. therefore there is some denial as well in this mix. fascinating. i use food to deny reality and to not face bad feelings such as stress. i distract myself with the fake happiness from food from the reality and harsh feelings i experience. also, i was thinking how nice it would be to get drunk, smoke some weed and eating junk food in order to make days pass faster and skip what i feel now. i want to use those stuff to make time go faster, to wake up in the future where for sure i am perfect. but the funny thing is that when i am very drunk or high or both have one thought: that i want to be back on the path, that i want to be sober right now and how am i wasting my life. just to change my opinion sober. i need to be strong and brave enough to face these emotions and thoughts like i used to do. maybe there is no path. the path is each day and time i chose to follow my long-term goals. all this time i thought about the path as when i am on it for 6 months already thus making it more difficult to stop bad habits. the feeling of boredom is a signal that the activity i am doing at the moment is not going to help me achieve my needs. but is weird because i can use youtube videos and movies to distract myself from feeling boredom even if deep down i am bored indeed.

How was it?

in the last 9 months i have indulged to much in fast food, fitting in, dabbling, masturbation, porn, being lazy, drugs and comfort. now i see myself wanting to change overnight but is seems impossible. i dont want to do it step by step but want to change overnight. each time i get high i only think that i want to be back on the path, to eat healthy and meditate and read books. now that this year is almost over i see that not much have changed. although i truly thought i am on smth big. i am going somehow. is like leo said: this is not true happiness and leads nowhere.

oof is so difficult to communicate with my parents. i become annoyed each time i do. is like we don't speak the same language. i started the bad habits book. i got bored after a few pages. but i did not want to watch a movie bc it would be too boring to watch one. than after my call with parents do want to watch one. i feel very stressed of my college situation. i am unsure of my future plan. i daydream about a possible path than it changes completely next day like it never existed. i want to jump to another goal right now. to dabble than to end up again in 7 months with no real achievements.

now that i think about it bad habits have been damaging my life for the last months havily. i dont study becasue of my bad habits. and bad learnign habits and methods. i think i will spent the fallowing months just dealign with bad habits. i will start by readign a book i start but abandoned about bad habits. than i will focus on tackeling each bad habit. i guess i will read a book about dealing with emotions since i have a lot of resistance. what are my bad habits? failing to deal with stress and resistance - i eat unhealthy food and watch tv series and movies to deal with it currently

nice to know that i am not the only one who used to do more personal devlopment than i do now. maybe is part of the journey.

i hid a post from my other journal but the whole jurnal disapeared. i cant bring it back for some reason. maybe i will continue here. is a good thing to see my progress. i am not the person i was when i started this journal. maybe there is no need to hide and separate parts of my journey and self. my goals for summer are to learn how to learn since i struggle with procrastination and ineffective studying methods. also, i want to learn how to break bad habits. this is really putting me behind the growth curve really bad. of course, i wanted more and more goals but these two are very important. also i will volunteer at a farm the whole summer. is a really good ay to learn.

@RunningBD thanks