Everyday

Interesting reads: https://www.kravmaga.com/belts-in-krav-maga-what-each-signifies/ https://www.salsamacho.com/the-krav-maga-belt-system-explained/

update: going to zazen next week. saw a fight on the street between some guys. very interesting. saw how they had no structure in fighting and how one of the guys could have escaped from a chock hold by hitting the guy with his elbows. also observed that the friends of the fighting guys were just looking at them. interesting. beside that i would have written about other recurring thoughts and feelings i wrote about already.

Got drunk the other day and made a stupid post about it. It was a long day. Update: Got in more arguments and conflicts at family business. A client stole some cheap stuff a few weeks ago and we saw it on camera. Weeks later he came back. My brother and father did absolutely nothing even if I told them that the guy is there as I speak with them. They just said yeah that's life and people are evil. And they two are the ones who are always hostile and talk shit about other people. This made me see them in a new light. That they talk more than they act. Anyways, I was really anxious to confront that guy and hesitated. But I did in the end. He denied but I persisted. He said I should be careful of accusing him of stealing and other justification on how I am imagining what happened. He brought the stolen stuff back a few hours later. The product was taken care of and washed before he gave it to us. Definitely he was lying. I was surprised how he was denying it so strongly even if he was guilty. Me confronting him wasn’t about the product stolen which was in bad shape anyways. It was about honing my confrontation skills. I realized that my expectations of how confronting someone in real life is exaggerated. I observed that every time i want to stand up for myself i feel resistance and fear of punishment. By this i mean to be physically or verbally put down for daring to stand up for myself. It feels so strong. Understood even more at self defence classes how much I have to work to get serious results. I will use this to build self confidence. Every time I am pushing myself too much at training I think how everyone there is dumb and I will return one day with motivation and work ethic out of a sudden and be amazing. I know so well it will never happen and I am just trying to trick myself. For a few weeks now I had all the confrontation and arguments I have ever lived though coming back in my mind. But with all the emotions suppressed. Now those memories calmed down. This summer and year altogether i can say i worked really hard on some stuff to change myself and neglected other areas. There are still areas i have to change asap but i can say i am glad with the growth i had so far.

Update: I kept contemplating the quote from below. I realise day after day how much is was an impediment for me over the years and still is. I still look down on any start-up, other people's success, profession, knowledge, success, smart people and so on and almost unconsciously i think i am above them. This is a measure of protecting myself from feeling small, weak and sad. I see more and more in how many areas of my life i chose to take no action because ''i am too smart and to good already''. Yet there is no value in wasting time, no growth.

Hey. Things are going well. At self-defense lessons it was interesting. Before coming there I thought I am very good at fighting naturally, a way of my ego to protect itself from feeling weak. Each time I try to be realistic and to accept that I am learning more each time and arrogance wont result in growth. Also, I realised how arrogant I am. I think i am better than everyone else just because i am myself; getting into personal development made it worse. All this arrogance and superiority come from a place of inertia and comfort. Especially when i was in high school and earlier. I would look on 9GAG at ''travel the world and society is in a rat race'' posts, roll my eyes and think how smart am I for agreeing with those pics. But i am just a beginner as i was back then. If i am arrogant i don't grow. Is simple. At internship i feel the same. First day i thought what a smart ass I am, better than my bosses and everyone else there. And as it happened with self-defense i am slowly realising i know nothing. I am there to learn and being arrogant is dumb and unproductive.

From Saturday with the right mood i wrote this: Learning self-defense and getting used to manage conflict brings a lot of painful memories, feelings and my mind is running crazy with conflict and fight scenarios out of the blue. There are many emotions and trauma i just forced myself to forget about. I suppressed trauma and now it all comes up. Now is all coming back and is overwhelming. Everyday life and routine triggers me to re-live all the events that damaged my self-confidence. Is happening so fast and strong. I guess i am on the right way. I realised what i should have done after those events happened and how it fucked me up because i didn't. Next week krav maga again. Today's Update: I keep feeling unease and imagine conflicts and fights. I am more aware of these passing feelings and thoughts. At work I noticed that most people are behaving decent, some are very nice and a few assholes. Each day i encounter these people. I like talking with the nice people and have no problem with the decent ones. The assholes are an opportunity and a gift to grow each day. Like today an asshole started being rude and telling me how we should run our business and other crap. I talked back to him for a few minutes then ignored him. I decided i pushed myself enough and left him talk shit without paying attention afterwards. I cant recall last time i stood up for myself but today i felt good. It was a stepping stone. I am still implementing letting myself fail again and again in order to learn. I practice letting go of mistakes and moving on. It works even if sometimes i get emotional thinking of them. I keep going late to sleep and other destructive habits. I didn't meditate in a long time.

Leave him. You can invest your time better than in a dude who flips and screams like a kid.

today was tough. i procrastinated on the project i was supposed to do at work (internship) today. i felt drained and lost all hope. at work (family) afterwards i just wanted to fell asleep and put a pause. anyways, work got my mind off things and now i feel better.

Work for my family is going well. plenty of opportunities to deal with conflict. I am making small steps daily. I feel very tired. But I am making progress. The work I do as an intern is challenging but I learn new things. I just noticed how much bullshit I was doing when I had time. Time all day. So much time spent thinking and wasting mental energy. Revising mistakes and what ifs. Now I know what I really want and need to do and I do it.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you very much!

@Ibn Sina thanks for sharing.

Hey guys! I started my internship this Monday at the start-up company I told you about. I do and learn how to do marketing, beside learning more about the crop they grow. I like this urban approach to farming. I don’t see myself growing plants at a farm in the middlefuck somewhere. I felt self doubt: there are people who speak English better then me, know more about marketing and so on yet, I am the only one who asked them for an internship in all the people living in this city! But my insecurities diminish as I get better. I met amazing people and all are interested in spirituality and self development at some degree. They all told me how smart I am for doing this work at such a young age. One of my favourite moments was when my boss watched some videos on YT and read articles about how to do a certain part of the project. It was so eye-opening to see that I don’t need to know everything nor entrepreneurs do. They learn and that's ok. I feel good and proud of myself. Hope you all are having a good time too.

at krav maga it was good. so I went to three schools so far. the first and the thrid were very good, and the second was ok. the last two do not focus on the basics as much as the first. I do not like this. Thus, I will go to the first started for a while and then change to the second with more practice in pairs. my coordonation is better, first time and second my brian would block and confuse right with left and so on. i felt ashamed but kept pushing myself. At first I didn't want to go because I didn't think I was sick, no matter how long and practical I compare to the guy who beat me in middle school. but here i have 3 krav maga lessons later and i see progress. I will try martial arts systems next week for curiosity and then I will go to the first school every week. in addition to this, I try to embody this concept: is ok to fail the first few times, but each tiem you get 10% better. the biggest mistake is to quit first time.

I got accepted at uni in my home city starting this autumn and i'll be studying the same major as before. I got accepted some time ago but didnt discuss this here because i dont want to worry and overthink like i did last summer before college. I want to focus on the present moment. That's pretty good that you've accepted this. I know is though especially when the indulging is too frequent.

@RendHeaven Definitely. I am doing now stuff i wanted to do for years ( e.g. Krav maga) yet, I'm struggling with this backlash. On one hand, I'm growing exponentially during the day but indulging at night. How are you planning to deal with this backlash? Wish you good luck with your journey.

Another krav maga school tonight. Don't know what to expect. Didn't read again how to break bad habits. I just excused myself from it. I feel tired and drained because of the work i do for my family. I don't like it at all. Our employees have no passion nor work ethic. The more i spend here the more i want to work with passionate people. Working here is very challenging personally though. I have to deal with all kinds of people. My ego gets triggered like a slot machine from the way a customer or employee treats me. Very interesting. For now i try to make thr best out of it. Next week I'll start my internship hopefully and then I'll work less here. It will be a strange balance from work I do for passion and work i do for money alone. I can say that since I'm working at my family's business i have become more relaxed with difficult people, conflict and stress. Is a slight change but i feel it. Being here means i have so much time to read books. So that's good. I cringe about what I've written here a year ago. That means I've grown.

Zondag, 28 juli 2019 I had problems falling asleep lately. I listen to music, internet and masturbate until I fall asleep. Eating bad is less pronounced although I did eat sweets. My father started drinking more and this disgusts me. He drinks beer like water and then behaves like a jerk with us. I want to drink as well to feel better and fall asleep faster. I almost finished junky by William Burroughs. It amazing. I only listened when I was drunk, overstimulated after food and masturbation and very tired. I felt all the emotions, struggles, images, problems, and all he described in his book about addiction. Found a start-up company in my city where I can do an internship right now. They are very sustainable and the people surrounding them are very green. I will work for them in production and marketing in a week or so. I am not sure if they can offer me what I want to learn but will see. I am pleased with them so far. They cant afford to pay me and my father made fun of me and said I am dumb for working for free. He wants to make money just to have money. It made me a little insecure but I am not going to take advice from a guy who watches tv at least 3-4 hours daily and drinks alcohol like water. I went to another krav maga school. I realized how I use a false superiority complex over anyone else so I wont hurt my ego. This school was more hands on practice- he had to fight with each other and I got my ass kicked. I thought of myself as being very good at fighting with no practice or anything. I blamed outer factors for not learning self-defence until now, just to realize I was the one not letting myself do it and discover my fighting skills are non existent. It was an interesting lesson. I started reading a book about confidence. I thought is lame at first but I found myself in one of the situations described by the other. If you had 10% more confidence what would you do? What would have you done but you didn’t so far? One thing is learning to protect myself because I felt uncomfortable to do it. Met with a friend from high school. Just re-connected with her since the beginning of spring. I was waiting for her in the centre of the city and felt like usual: that I don’t deserve to be there because I am not good enough and so on. But I was conscious of my emotions and thoughts at a deeper level than I have ever been. I was shocked to realized that I am actually thinking those thoughts and feeling strong negative emotions started by something so dumb. It was unbelievable. I have been denying myself to feel calm and that I deserve to feel worthy just because I am a human being for years and for the first time I realized I don't need to meet any standards. Zazen is going better. Currently I'm in the second week. I'm going there once a week. I am still struggling to do it every day at home. But my back pain was not so strong as last time. My back muscles are so weak I had muscle spasms and I was shaking.

Finally went to krav maga a few days ago. I am a little sore but happy. I will go this week to other two dojos to choose the best teacher. Work at my parents business is challenging & that's good.

Lol this happens to me as well. i have no idea how.

Wish you good luck!

This Monday i went to do zazen in my city. It was very strict and my back was killing me because of the straight posture. But it was definitively worth it. I lost my seriousness doing meditation this last year. I indulged so much i became weak. I didnt progress much this current year and the other meditation group i used to go it was very laid back. I am getting back on track now! This morning i felt very resistant to do zazen but i just forced myself and i was proud in the end. I just spoke with my best friend from uni a few times now. I am glad we are keeping in touch. I cant start a job/ internship doing my passion for now because my parents really need my help with our business. Maybe in a few weeks. This was a very difficult year for both my family and myself. I started reading Animal farm during spear time at work. Well, i am halfway already. It hits me so hard, reading it and also living in a post-communist country. All that happens in the book i heard stories it happened in my country as well. That's insane. I made some money working for my family. Now i can pay first classes of krav maga and maybe for swimming days as well. i want to go to three different places and choose the best one for myself. Yeah... i indeed imagine all the accidents, problems and arguments which might arise. Thanks for encouragements man.

I am back home for a few days already. I feel stressed again and worried but now i am aware of it. I came during easter break home this year, but now i feel more aware than ever of cultural differences and my emotions. I thought for months that i made no progress but turns out i did. i inquired my bad behaviours even more and found out that i am running to daydreaming and avoidance of certain feelings, actions and people. I just imagine how i will do it perfectly one day and for the present moment i just go home to be safe. This is a mistake. At home i dont overcome my fears and insecurities, i just deny they exist. No problem is getting solved. I feel afraid to get into conflict with intimidating people and if i would be able to handle it. I will go next week to a meditation group. I started working for my family and i dont like it. The work is both deeply boring and in the same time hard and it triggers me. Maybe two more weeks and i wont have to help them. Now work from 7 in the morning until 8 at night and i am really tired. I can push myself to cook but not to meditate or read. I almost have the money for the first month of Krav Maga. I will apply for a job in my desired field as soon as i dont have to be a part of the family business. I want to start cycling and delivering food in my city. Still scared but i cycled on the street today in light traffic and it was ok. Tomorrow evening i am going again further. I drank one raw egg mixed with milk. It was really tasty.

So this start-up business i went at yesterday was promising. I spoke with the head grower and he was very very nice. I said we better speak again next year in spring about this because many things can change. Money... maybe they will have to offer mare then 200 euros next year. The other company postponed the Skype interview to September because he is going in vacation. Also, these guys offer me 600 euros per month. sounds better. I told all of these to my father and the rest of family about these opportunities. He got angry and said is not really possible to do them because of money reasons. And so on. This affected me, but i can still go to volunteer abroad so all good. I said goodbye to some older friends yesterday. I mention that my brother is two years older than me. She is 34 and laughed. She said my brother is still a kid. I see myself as an adult now but in reality I am still a kid and I can take risks still.