Everyday

I will go alone at a club to celebrate NYE, like i did last year. I am going for the music. Last year it was first time alone and it was amazing. Midnight caught me dancing- no bullshit countdown or wishes. I used to spend celebrating with friends or family, both unsatisfactory. At home i would witness my parents arguing and with friends just feeling bad for hanging out with them and not having a girlfriend. They would ask me why dont i have a girlfriend like them, am i gay or what? With friends, i would join to look cool but i would want to leave the second i saw them. So much boredom with them. Glad i dont have those toxic friends around anymore. I am already working on my two main goals for 2020, and the side ones too. I am happy i passed all exams which made me motived to improve other areas. Finally.

The girl I rejected didn't contact me and i am happy about this. This whole things was started by my desperation and everything resulted was unnecessary. The girl i was chasing didn't answer to my messages. I got the message. It was an amazing experience. I pushed myself far. It baffles me how smart and advanced I am in some areas and how immature emotionally and mentally I am in others. I am thinking about my career by doing internships and getting involved in these amazing projects at such a young age but I am acting completely childish with girls. Like I am not the same person.

Accomplishments: Done two internships at amazing companies which helped me understand more what I want to do with my career. Volunteering Almost had a date, and other big improvements with girls Started krav maga, already 6 months Joined an amazing internship in my city Passed all exams and tests at new uni Made true friends Didn’t befriend shit people at new uni Discovered a new passion Improved my arguing skills Starting to get my shit together Mistakes: Failed uni in nl Pleasing too much people Being too distant with my family Not starting pick-up Gave up planning my time and weeks Goals 2020: Pick-up Passing all exams In detail: I made a schedule of the books on pickup to start reading and practice. I plan to pass all exams and tests- studying in advance, already made a schedule, asking for help Other: Erasmus, Involving myself more with this current internship and the one I'll start, read books related to internship work, keep up krav maga, another internship this summer, improve clothing, Driver ID

In the last two days we got in three different arguments with clients. Cops should up twice. Everything was fine for us. I was very proud and surprised of the way I stood up fro myself and insulted those clients. And how calm I was when I spoke with the cops. I have made huge progress. But after the third incident I remembered about the bulling at university and just fell in old patterns of fear and weakness. Is captivating how this works. Is amazing how untreated trauma evolves over the years. Thinking of confronting the two bullies makes me afraid and overwhelmed with frustration and daydreaming of scenarios. I suppose the reason is that one of them has more experience in fighting and both have more experience with girls. Interesting how these two factors dictate if I am standing up for myself or not. I am blown away by the logic of my own mind.

Post for actualizedorg. I watched a boy and a girl being bullied by two colleagues of mine. I said nothing to avoid becoming a target. Nothing in my class said. I am questioning if I acted correctly. Same day and I was made fun of by them too- I thought I was not and wont be in their target since uni started. Well, I am now. Nothing physical, yet. Just questions like- how many girls did you bang, do you masturbate hahah?, how many girlfriends did you have, do you have driver ID, etc. I am waiting for them to become physical so I can beat them. At least one of them I am sure I can but the other one has two years experience in fighting and im not confident to confront him. I feel overwhelmed of neg feelings from time to time. Interesting thing that I am even more angry on this because they are two years younger and rednecks. I was raised to think I am better than countryside people. And I see myself as smarter than my colleagues because I am 21. Plus that they had more experience with girls than me. I am going I am worried if they will pass the year and I wont- this would be horrible. So I will use these bad feelings to fuel my motivation to study. It worked two years ago. I feel inferior to them in some areas. As I see so far, the problems I don’t focus on grow harsher each year. I cant accept I am like this and cant even see myself being like this 6 years in the future. Is unacceptable. Also, I cant understand how I was much much weaker in school. After the past few days I see myself as a fraud trying to work on the internship. I don’t see myself worth to even work in that environment when I am being made fun of at uni. After seeing myself being so afraid to be picked on at uni I started to question my persona. The last few years I made choices based on avoiding past traumas to repeat. I changed the way I look, do, watch, friends, hobbies, carrier and more. And it seems it was all to heal past wounds and avoid the past. From this point I am questioning my current lifestyle. Is it authentic or just different ways to cope with the past? Is the type of girl i find attractive really personal, or just a way to impress the people who made fun of me and a reflection of their type? Do i want to become an entrepreneur or i want to prove i will be successful? Am i really interested in social media and marketing or do i want to impress people from my past? Am i really interested in the people i am friends now or do i want to look cool and interesting by association? Am i really enjoying working with entrepreneurs or just try to avoid being bullied at work?

just got my shit together 1% more

Lately i got deeply inspired of the people at the internship. Their achievements, skills and mindsets makes me work harder and plan bolder. I hold immense respect for them. I feel fortunate i met them. I have work to do. I am on the right track. Focusing more on doing more of what i know i want to learn but scares me then to have interesting experiences for fun. I know more of hat i want to do so i will use my time to get better in those areas and explore new fields now less. I made some plans for this summer. Very challenging. But i am anxious if i will pass this year or else.

She said Tuesday to meet. She messaged me now she got a cold and if I still want to meet then let's move it for next week. She's also stressed with an exam this week. That it would have been better if we went out two months ago when she had more free time. Yes, indeed. But I didn’t think to contact her back then though social media, and this stems from fear and overthinking. So I will messaged her and fix smth for next week. Hopefully. Would calling her be better?

One day after this post she messaged me again. I rolled my eyes and told my self I will message her out of politeness later. I will replay when I finish speaking with some people I do actually want to talk to and i respect. She saw I am online and asked me why am I acting like this, am I upset on her? I told her I don’t find you attractive as I thought previously and some other B.S. like I want to still be friends. I don’t like her at a friend and this started months before this thing. Just said we'll meet in two week, avoiding once again dealing with it. Looking back, I should have messaged her a version of a polish truth of my rejection after I met with her. It would have made everything easier. But my skills with relationships is of a child and I acted like one. After I told her avoiding her as much as I could for like 3 weeks was pointless.

There are things I cant get at older people and some I do. I do get the comfort a steady job gives you, the social games of having a girlfriend, a cool social life, vacations abroad, expensive house and technology. A job that requires some level of skill like working in an office. I see myself getting absorbed into this but I don’t get it why they don’t want to work to gain knowledge of their passions and evolve. I haven o idea what this means. I foretell this current internship will change the way I see having a job and working in the future. My notions of having a job is altered. I want to be an entrepreneur. But I don’t have an answer why. I guess is what other people want? I don’t have a problem to have a boss, like the one I have at the current and previous internships. I learned a lot from them.

When I was in high school, at some NYE party with my colleagues I kissed some girl and felt disgusted. The feeling fade away after some time. I reconnected with a girl from my high school class after two years of not speaking with anyone from there. I hanged out a few times since then, and more after I returned home in the last months. I got some hints she likes me. I don’t find her attractive at all but she is a really good and smart person. So I did some mental math out of desperation and came to the conclusion that I can jump in a relationship with her in order to get some sex and relationship experience. Well, I hesitated to do so for a few months until almost two weeks ago. I kissed her and felt this strong feeling of disgust of myself. Like 100 stronger than what I felt with the other girl. I thought is all just suppressed emotions coming out regarding relationships and sex. Previously to this I thought I can force myself to be with a girl I don’t really find attractive. Well I cant- I don’t find her attractive physically in any way. For a few days I felt strong disgust which could be seen on my face right away right after I remembered her. Ew. So three days pass and I tell to my best friend about this. He did that and there is no point I should force myself to do it. I have to accept my feelings. Then I told him about this amazing foreign girl I met three weeks earlier through my current internship with whom I really connected. I didn’t ask her out because I figured I will next time I meet her. And time passed and I didn’t see her again. He told me to just ask the people who knew her about her contact. I did so and messaged her. She said yes the very same day. It didn’t go through my mind I can simply messaged her. We settled for a day to meet and didn’t contact her again not to seem desperate which I am kinda. One day before this date she said she cant come. I propose another date (today) and three days pass and she didn’t respond. And I feel frustrated and happy I asked her out no matter the outcome. I messaged her today to ask if we will meet or not. She responded four hours later and I saw her messaged but I will respond in a few days like she did. Is too clear I am needy. She forgot about it and asked me if is ok to reschedule next week. Well, we'll see. I decided to not bang that girl from high school or to do anything related. But I don’t have the guts to let her now this. She messaged me since then and I respond shortly and wish it will all go away. I just don’t find being fat as attractive. After we kissed I fapped all weekend to fat porn girls forcing myself to find her attractive in my mind. Also is smth at her I see in myself I don’t like. Another reason I am ashamed is that high school colleagues might see me with her. This is a huge fear of what they might say and I thought it was mostly gone. I would eat lava than to be seen with her. I have some inner work to do.

Update: I got a sudden burst of results at krav maga. I can do more moves and retained more theory. Just today i noticed this. I felt like i wasn't progressing a few weeks before. I really enjoy it and thought of becoming an instructor in the future. I am focusing of learning the rules, practice at home too and learning the moves in hebrew. I found out i can use Erasmus + to do internships and study abroad starting second year. I consider going to some company this summer but i dont know if ill have exams to redo. Spoke with a guy with an amazing project. He offered me an internship starting January 2020. One of the reasons for joining my current internship was to learn how to do social media. I did learn some stuff but not as much as i expected. If i want to learn correctly and high quality i have to actually do an internship at a social media agency or someone who does it freelance. The more i do social media stuff for this current internship the more i realise i want to know more and do it better. Is so interesting this whole field. Maybe as a side job in the future. I felt triggered at some rude customer at my parents'. I learned that we make money here and no matter how much i want to be correct with the clients they will still not respect you. And we want to make money from this business. Even if they are not ethical 100%. I want to be appreciate by these cancer clients of ours- but i am here to make money not to make them happy or use my higher self. And i can put the correctness in the internship im doing. That's another thing. Havent meditated in some time. Abandoned sleep schedule. Went to bed late 3 days in a row again. Didnt happen for some time.

Well, a few days after I wrote this post I got friend zoned. Lol. She asked me if I want to be her BFF instead. I refused and ignored. I just felt frustrated. But also amused of this lesson. But got over it fast. I knew she had a boyfriend at home but hoped they broke up since she never brought it up. Found out she also has another boyfriend at uni too. I thought it would be awkward after I stopped speaking with her but it went very well. I speak with her sometimes now but I don’t really feel anything anymore. After this, she friend zoned some other guy in my class, he chose to be her BFF. She does this now with other two guys in my class in addition. I am proud of myself for not accepting this bullshit. I did some years ago. The guy she friend zoned is bullied by two colleagues from my class. He resembles me a lot. Trying really hard to fit in. Everyone makes fun of him. I speak superficially with a handful colleagues sometimes. But didn’t mention krav maga, the internship, NL or more personal stuff to anyone. I feel very relaxed at school knowing I don’t have to fit in. Is so nice. I always I knew I don’t have anything in common with the people I want to fit in but didn’t listen. I hang out with some amazing people from the internship. I get along very well with them. They inspire me. I passed the first two tests at uni with a good grade. But to be honest I didn’t study much. If the professors were mean I wouldn’t have passed. I am deeply disappointed my the quality of the curriculum and of teaching methods my professors have over all. Is sad how bad they are at their jobs. I just want to pass every class and get the fuck out of here. I started writing down my sleep quality. Noticed I wake up naturally around 7-7:30. Interesting. And more on this later.

That's true!

University life so far ////// i didn’t try to befriend the ''cool'' people of my class and college. I felt a strong personal pressure to make friends with them because deep down I am afraid I wont be liked and bullied. In the past I made friends with those people just to avoid bulling by being their friend. I would connect with them so I would be the clown of the group to make them laugh. I realized this whilst talking with my best friend after failing college a few months ago. Sad but true. Uni started for two weeks and I finally feel I made the right choice. I don’t want to associate with them or be friends. Paradoxically no body makes fun of me now when I stay away from them vs when I was very needy to please them. In the last college I had a colleague who didn’t give a fuck about his social life at college; he had his own friends at home and girlfriend. I admired him. And I want to do pretty much the same thing. Is easy since I have krav maga twice a week, working for my family and the internship. I hang out only with some girls from my class but not so much. The guys overall seem very immature. It's surprising how deep my early life traumas go. I am flirting back and forth with a girl from my class. Things are going good so far. I am more direct with my intention than I ever was so far with a girl. She remembers me about three girls at least I could have been with in high school. I was so afraid of the idea of rejection and what my friends would think that I just stayed passive. Until they all got tired and moved on. I felt so frustrated. It makes me feel a roller-coaster of emotions: from excitement to fear. I avoided facing these emotions many times in my life. So many since I was a kid now I don’t know or believe I can succeed. When I am around her I feel headaches, shortness of breath, embarrassed, shame and anxiety. Maybe all these surpassed emotions come to surface as i am dealing with this area. The belief that I cant be with a girl or in a relationship is so deep in my ego. I would rather get rejected and frustrated than to push my comfort zone in this area. Is so hard to admit this and face this part of me. I am putting a lot of guilt and pressure on myself. How I should be already. How these basic dating skills I should have already. Is crippling. And I deny reality. I didn’t join any student organization or campus volunteering. At last college I spent so much time at bullshit events with the student organization. And I felt trapped there after a few months. It was a challenge at first but turned in a chore. Most of my time there was wasted on pointless activities. There where so many things I could have done with my time but that. That's why I'm not making the same mistake again. I joined because I saw it as a personal growth opportunity- and it was for some time. But would just get together for meetings and no body but three people and me would an effort to make activates. The other were just doing nothing. I thought when I joined the organization there would be space for me to acquire skills you need to open a small company. And it was anything but that. The internship I do now, is more like I was searching for in my student organization. I finally did my first food delivery on bike. It was an experience. I got late to pick up the order and very late to drop it. Like one hour and a half late. I felt so ashamed and stupid. What would that guy think of me? He didn’t say anything. And I pushed myself a lot from my comfort zone. I made so many mistakes and I just wanted to die. I run out of battery right after I arrived to drop the food. Found the apartment. I Was unfamiliar with the neighborhood. I managed to find a subway station and got home safely. I was so fucking scared but found the strength to put my shit together. So worried what my family would think. It felt good to stay strong and keep myself going. I realized how afraid I am of what people think of me. And now I think I look just like other dumb guy who made a mistake. And that's ok. No body really cares. I am very ashamed of this being on this forum. Is such a stupid situation to react like I did.

Problems at my family business: so there is this guy who is envious on our relative success which has a similar business. he made us a lot of problems in the past, and still does. he has some corrupt cops friends and sent them to us to milk some bribe. we didnt give them anything and felt angry for not reacting better. we talked with a lawyer and apparently they had nothing to do there. and now they are passing by each day and are looking for some reason to fine us. when they came first and we didnt point out all the shady stuff they said and did or protected our rights very good. since they we have been waiting for these cops to come back so we can confront them properly. we talked with a lawyer after the first incident and now we know how to protect ourselves. i treat this as a great opportunity to make myself stronger. problems like this happen in real life and i need to deal with them not retreat in some notion about how the world should be.

@Mezanti I feel the same. I have too much theory and mental masturbation about advanced and basic topics but in real life i struggle at the very beginning!

Hey. I just got your app on my phone. I will let you know what i think in a few days. Congratulations for your success so far.

Met more amazing and creative people though my internship. Realised how arrogant still am. I got all these deep knowledge from Leo but without me having to put any work in. Now I have this cloud of superiority hovering over me. But now i am aware of it. and how much worse it used to be. giving up this internship as i thought of before would have been a mistake. that choice would have been rooted in arrogance and fear of my ego being attacked.

@studentofthegame thanks

Update: In car with my brother and we got in a 10 second tense situation. I felt again frustrated, rage and afraid to stand up for myself. I haven't felt this for a few weeks. these are really strong feelings. really put me down, even more now that i am not ignoring them. i let this situation to just be and than i made a plan how to deal with it: keep learning self-defence and push yourself into arguments with people. i had some arguments last week and i acted 0001% better doing it from my point of view. to be honest being aggressive in an argument is how my father and brother do it. and this is a subconscious model to assess myself after an argument. that's the way i think i should act. and to be honest by this way, standing up for myself makes me feel that i am respecting myself. I have done the sedona method and others, thinking that the other person act like this because his own problems and i should just do nothing and just let them insult me and release all my negative emotions. now, i strongly disagree with this method. it just makes your self esteem crumble and hurts you deep down really bad. i can say that i do feel calmer and more confident in dealing with other people since i started learning krav. but i didn't expect all these supressed emotions to come to light. this was a surprise. So i have done 2 months of krav maga, more or less at this point. i can say that it made me very humble. i came in thinking that i am very good at fighting because i was born with these skills. and this soft self-image was torn apart big time each lesson. i wanted to quit when i realised that i suck really bad. really bad. first lesson i thought that the way i can throw a punch like a pro - this belief was destroyed by the end of the lesson; i didn't knew how to punch. funny. There is one move I cant do it right yet. Not even after 2 months. Next week college starts. I am both excited and sad. Somehow I am really excited that now I am studying in a big and crowded university. On the other hand, I want to keep my current routine: is simple and effective. I don’t want to stress about exams again. I fear the exams these times. I am doubting myself that I can get a degree. There are so many things I rather do than study for college but that's wrong long term. Right now I am at my best growth level I have ever been because I was only aiming to gain experience and growth; but I am insecure that I am starting college 2 years later than other people. I am ashamed to say that I failed college to my new colleagues. But in the same time I am proud of who am I. I am afraid that I will be bullied (a bit) by my colleagues and I will start hanging out with those people just to avoid being bullied. I will make them laugh and make a clown of myself. I have done this in high school and in NL. But at the time I didn’t realise it. Now I want to stay with the people I truly enjoy- and this I accomplished pretty well in NL. Leo said not to place too much energy on your being cool and having lots of friends. And only now i understand. So much time wasted with many people i didn't like and now i am only speaking with 1 person constantly from college. It makes me sad. But is a hard lesson to learn. I want to not get involved with school drama and community like I did abroad. I want to be focused on my life off-campus, and not be so concentred with my social status. But is so tempting. I see studying in my city uni at a second high school and a way to show my old self I can improve. I am happy I am in my home city once again. I see it as a second chance to improve myself by taking advantage of what the city has to offer. The internship is not going as well as i want. I want to put more into it. More energy and my full attention. i feel pressured to start my own business to feel successful as a young person. But I feel resistant and I tend to be sloppy lately. I keep pushing my duties for days at a time. Working for my family for the last two months made me more resentful with people. There are so many people who are very rude and assholes. Dealing with them made me be more cautious and frustrated. Some people will try to take advantage of you even if you were nice with them. Some will be nice people but in the same time assholes. I have learned so much. I observed that I am accepting society and culture for what it is, not what I think it should be like. I have noticed it in other areas. For example I am not trying to challenge my parents about their religion. I am accepting that they believe and fallow the church and that's ok. I don’t have to preach my point of view. And I am kinder with ''unconscious'' people. If someone wants to watch tv, gamble, smoke, drink, show off, and so on I am able to understand them and to let them be. Though I still have my judgements. Going through last maybe two years of various backlashes made me a kinder person. Now I understand that people who are addicted to a lot of stuff like drugs, gambling, social media, tv, food are feeling happy. They have a great time. The quality of happiness can be doubted but you get my point. I think I forgot how I felt before starting this work. I am not in the best spot myself right now. I am still struggling. I am fapping, no cold showers, watching tv series to fall asleep, I have started to play some sort of video games at family work- i feel addicted and stimulated to play them, i haven't done any step to get into pick-up since i got back- is a huge obstacle for me i cant seem to tackle for years, use Instagram and Facebook daily, porn, I am not meditating, my eating habits are pretty unhealthy now, I am going late to sleep each night, I got a taste for drinking and smoking weed, I am looking forward to any occasion I have to try some mind altering drugs- once I'm drunk or high I want to take anything to feel smth stronger, tried ketamine twice and I want to do it again, i am craving junk food, i take every opportunity i have to eat unhealthy, i have delayed starting delivering food on my bike for weeks already, I am not my highest self. In a way I got sloppy with some practices but stronger with others. I see my golden period of personal development as being two years ago. But back then i was overlooking some aspects i am now working on and vice versa. I feel stuck in some areas right now.

Just finished writing a list about all the good things that came out from the last 2 years of my life and i feel better now. And then i see this inspiring message. And indeed life is good despite all the turbulence. I have grown a lot which is the sole reason i left. Goal accomplished. Really nice to read this. Thank you so much.

Update: Used the kimono twice. I feel more deserving and confident wearing it. But i had to actually buy and wear it whilst feeling doubts. Is still very humbling to go to the dojo. I am still accepting the reality that i am learning self defence and currently suck at it. All these years i thought i ''already know whatever they have to teach me'' just go there and realise i know nothing. I protected my ego from reality. In which areas am i fooling myself? I meditated 3 times of 5 m each last week in bed laying down. I have increased my food intake since i got home. So easy to eat when i have so much food around. I eat many things which aren't healthy. I even forgot about the 10 min concentration practice i used to do before meditation. LOL. More buried arguments from the past cam to my awareness as i am learning to fight and deal with people at work. Still unpleasant when they arise but i am healing. I expected i would feel confident 100% if i learn how to fight asap. It makes me sad that all these years of avoiding conflict and feeling frustrated could have been changed if i had the right information. What would i do differently? First thing after being beaten in middle school I would have started learning to fight and set boundaries. That's it. frustration and denial made my life a hell many years after these events occurred. I couldn't let it go. Still cant, But i have to say i feel calmer and more ok with what happened. Because i am changing now and building the skills to deal with conflicts and fights in the future. There are so many things that seem genuinely urgent. Is so hard to make the difference with my goals. I am afraid i will run out of time if i dont do everything now. I am not satisfied with my life deep down. I have problems falling asleep. I cant bear being alone at night with my thoughts. I want to do ashtanga yoga now as well. And read more books and so on. Just to do it at a mediocrity level and feel stressed and guilty afterwards. I realised that when i was in NL i felt alone deep deep down. My junk food cravings, together with drinking and smoking weed were helping me cope with my loneliness and other things i missed i am not yet aware. Sometimes i had to listen to music all day just to get through the day. But i was too proud that I would even miss my family and crowded city. I wish i was nicer with my family when i was gone, they deserve it. they are good people.

I feel consumed by regreat now. I am holding up crying. I am thinking back about all the mistakes i have done in NL. I think about all things which arent going as i want in my life right now.

I will take my kimono finally. To be honest i dont see myself in one or getting to own different belts. I dont think i am good enough. I want to quit and return confident in a few years. But I read that confidence comes after not before; I will grow confident wearing it. College starts soon. I cant say i am happy about this. I really like my schedule now, with the internship, krav maga, family business and other chores. I dont want to be sucked up back in caring too much of my social status and try hard to fit in. I want to my schedule intact for a few months more. I am really happy i spend my summer here and I will be around for 4 years. I love living in a big city. I hated living in a town abroad. And i realised recently that i was sad and lonely in NL. But I didn't want to admit this to myself. It took courage to admit it. That's the reason I was craving drugs, fast food, sweets, porn, fap, excitement and self-punishment. I was really happy that I failed so I can go back home. I feel here are things I didn't resolve here. Since i got back i felt these craving at a quarter at how strong they were there. Now i feel like getting drunk once a month but there it was every week. Interesting. I was talking shit about my family and country when i was in NL, but i was ignorant back then. I feel bad for being such an ass with my family. My country is still shit but here are some good people (e.g. internship boss and his friends) and some cool events and opportunities. I spent lots of time speaking shit about my nation and country- all that energy would have been spent in better places.