Everyday

I am coughing from time to time but in rest i feel good. My father recovered as well. I wanted to go to submit my Erasmus folder but nobody is answering so i sent them an email. I am looking to save time. It takes 2h in total to go and return to university. I am taking some classes to learn the traffic rules tonight as i did last Friday. I ll call them to be sure they wont cancel them. Just remembered yesterday i girl i met through the internship i have here this summer. I have grown quite fund of her even if i saw her only a few times. I would like to ask her out even if 5 months passed. Maybe next time i see her. I just thought she might have a bf because she is so awesome. She's 27. I got some vibes she likes me too. Made some anki and regular flashcards for studying. I was so proud.

Is done. And also completed another project. All i have to do now is to observe. I don't know what's going to happen to my country with this virus evolving. Is getting worse fast. Maybe we will close our business if things go out of control. I am unsure of my future atm. I am barely coughing now. The incubation period can be 2 weeks. I dont know if i have it or not. I feel resistant to study now. I have to get used to it again.

Finally after months of postponing a goal regarding a project related to the second internship, i did 50% of it today and going to finish tomorrow. Oh i can finally devote my time to studying. Moreover, being done with ERASMUS+ is freeing so much time in my schedule. She still, didnt respond. But today i said - i can find another one. Better. And making lists how is not my fault but hers. I know what not to do next time. I told to myself over and over that she's isnt ready for a new relationship after the last one she had. I feel sad but it will pass. I looked back on last Monday that i went on a date with her in the beginning of this whole corona craze. It was really irresponsible. But it makes a good story. I had a good time. Some more manageable conflict at work. Is all good. I am better now. I worked half day and i could have done all twelve hours. If i had to.

On Monday i am going to submit my folder for ERASMUS. I just finished it. I am very proud of the way it looks. I am still coughing but no headaches. I don't have shortness of breath or fever. On Thursday 19th I'll have the first driving lesson. I think right off the bat i cant learn to drive. I had a test on Wednesday and failed it. I didnt study enough and i didnt want to cheat. Everyone but me and a girl didnt pass. Everyone else actually cheated without even hiding and i wish i did too. The professor didnt give a f. No krav on Wednesday with her because of corona she just left to her village until the quarantine is over. I messaged her safe drive home and we'll speak when you come back, she ''seen'' the message. I think this was too needy + my comments about our supposed relationship at the end of the first date probably freaked her out. I am pissed about it but i am trying to focus on my other goals atm. Improving in the dating area unravels how weak is my self esteem.

We met yesterday. It was really nice. Changed the venue once. I enjoyed myself. In the end she thanked me for the night and she enjoyed it. We made plans to meet in two weeks again. I observed my thoughts, i was criticizing myself often. I am not kind with myself. I was surprised that she asked me why i asked her out. She didn't expect. I thought is obvious i like her and she likes me. But she said she likes me but came out of curiosity. She had a previous relationship that ended up badly and said she wont date for a while but made an exception for me. I will take it easy. None of this experience would have happened if i didn't take the minimal risk to ask her out online. It was worth it. This was my first date with a girl that i actually like. My family has been living in this city for like 3-4 generations. She's a redneck. She said i didn't strike her as arrogant from being born here like other fellow citizens. I was like yeah thanks lol. She has no idea how me and my family hate rednecks lol. Aside from this she's nice and I ll keep seeing her. She was amazed by all the things I've done so far. I was surprised. I have a lot of things to talk about. I had and have an interesting life. I dont give myself enough love for what i have been through and what i have accomplished.

Just finished the motivational letter. I am proud of it. I worked on it for three weeks. I did little parts every day. I reconnected with some friends from NL. I invited three friends to krav maga. We kept messaging since then. I am anxious and excited to see her tomorrow. I cleared my work schedule for tomorrows' night by working more today.

Long story short I asked her out yesterday and she said yes. We are meeting this Monday. Still am. but is better. Had some minor conflicts and arguments. I am taking it easy for a while I need a last review of motivational and CV for erasmus. And some paper to get

I got the recommendation letter signed today by a professor i like. I worked one hour on CV and Motivational letter. I talked with the Erasmus office and sadly, i have to speak with some arrogant professor who is taking care of erasmus for our faculty. I tried to avoid contacting him so far because he calls us dumb all the time and tells us to leave the country and return later to fix it. He has zero respect for us. Going to email him. I wander what he'll say after reading my CV and motivational letter. Besides this i still felt terrified of getting into another conflict like yesterday with someone. I cant help but think of that all the time since yesterday. I was worried at work. Just tried to take it easy on myself: not going that hard for a while. I guess being one step from getting into a fight is part of the process of arguing. I think arguing is just intimidation until one side gives up. I dont think that many people would actually get into a real fight. Just pretending to.

I used to flirt with a girl at krav last year. I didn't have the balls to ask her out so i presumed her feelings are gone. Met her again 2 days ago at the dojo and we flirted during the whole session. It was so fun. I am still not ready to ask her out. Maybe next week. I really want to. Thing is i am deeply afraid of being seen with her in public by the bullies form uni and high school. I am afraid of them making fun of me for being with a girl they might find unattractive. I really like her. I deny i have this fear but i have it. Is childish but that's the situation. I cant live like this anymore. Is so hard to deal with it but i am forced to because i dont want to like this in my 30s. I have been starting to grasp the magnitude and effects of my fear with women. The amount of work needed is insane. Is scary. First step is to accept my current level in dating. The real skills i have. I dont want to admit them. Last few weeks i was blessed with the opportunity to deal with conflict. I am over and over again shocked by the way i judge myself: what i do is horrible, i should have done it better, i cant do things perfectly, i should have said nothing because what i did wasn't good enough. I've been waiting for months for the opportunity of getting into an argument with a client. I concluded that even one little thing per day saying to someone is enough for the big goal of dealing with conflict. I can say just one thin a day and the rest i can say nothing and is still a win. It adds up. Today, opportunity fell in my lap. I felt anxious and excited. I had my father next to me to start the argument with my a client. I was hesitant at first but i started talking shit and insulting that 30 year old dude. My father kept saying me to take it easy to not get into a fight with him. He returned after my father left and i started another argument with him all by myself. He came at me like let's get into a fight. I got overwhelmed by fear that i will get my ass kicked. I cut short the insults going back and forth and he left. After it i was still shocked of my response to the fear of being beaten. It is fascinating. I got stiff and tense. Afterwards, i came up with better ways to swear at him and considered the best argument of my life so far as lame. Lol. This was the hardest thing i have ever done and just labeled it as not good enough. I am dealing with my fear of being beaten by learning more fighting. I am grateful for this job giving me so many opportunities to overreact and argue with people. I am proud of myself deciding to deal with the fear of conflict at such a young age. I am scared to be the same passive self in my 30s. This makes me scared like nothing else. I cant conceive being a grown man avoiding conflict left and right. My mother and brother arent proud of me. My father is. Personally i am amazed by the progress i have done in this area and how badly i am criticizing myself.

My recommendation letter is almost done. Staying is doable but not 2h daily. I can sneak in 30 min to one hour daily. I feel resistant to start early still after i already started writing down questions for each new lesson. I will start my first driving lesson in less than 2 weeks together with my sis. Which means even less time to study and work on the internship. I will do some experiments related to me second internship asap than just delay working on new stuff with them for some time. Driving is more important personally. Still observing and adjusting to this new semester accordingly. So apparently i missed krav for almost 2 months not 1 as i thought. This means i cant take the belt exam in 2 months. I have to wait until fall. This sucks that i cant learn new techniques but is ok. Passing exams was more important.

So this week i went to other groups. One professor didn't let me do the lab with another group and the other one i know wont let me. Basically they are way to lazy to have for example to write down a grade on the paper of another group than the one he's using for the current one. Is too complicated for them even if we are 3 times less people than in my sister's degree at another university. The professors don't complain there. Anyways, the other professors are ok with this. I gave some lame explanation (I have to re-do this lab etc etc and i would like to continue with this group to not mess my schedule even more) it worked for most professors. So my new colleagues are fine so far. Some i really like some i dont. It shocked me to se bullying going on in another group as well. This one guy made fun of yet considering still those guys kinda his friends - like i used to. Really sad to realise i have to deal with this for good. Bullying is everywhere with various levels and situations. I have no choice but to deal with it. Two girls have a crush on me from one of the groups. The bullies from my group were really nice to me the first two days. Than one of them called me the that name and i replayed with the one which is 5% more offensive than what i used before. He said nothing in return which means i will keep pushing harder. Being called by him that name didnt frighten me as much like it used to. I believe is because i saw how things are going on in other groups. Made me more relaxed. Is a good choice so far. I feel better.

I wrote that while i was very stressed. I felt so every day until the exam. I was like one year ago. Feeling too stressed and quitting. I still studied more than two hours but it took so much more brutal force to start again after each session. I took the exam with another group. They were really nice no bullying or anything. I passed with a 9. I was so happy. I still am. The professor, said she didnt fail me last time because i didnt want to be in the event she forced us to participate: singing christmas songs. YEAH SURE. A few months before the exam i told her that is dumb and i am not going to school to sing. She got mad. And she is still the same now. I didnt change her, I just got myself in trouble. Two weeks of extra stress before i could take the exam again. And i payed attention how she graded others: let them say a few phrases on each subject and passed them. I did the same but she said ''not enough details''. What a bitch! If she didnt pass me this time i wouldn't be able to even apply for Eramsus. I would have had to wait until next year. And i was lucky. If she was worse she was able to fail me each time until summer or even forever. I cant apply all the radical stuff leo says. In theory i should rebel against these horrible professors but in reality things aren't like i want to. I learned from this, that even if something is wrong in the school system or about a person i should shut up sometimes. Trying to change the system might have effect in a 1st world country but not in a less developed one. So from now on i will shut up at university and just aim to get a degree. It would be a shame not to be able to take advantage of Erasmus possibilities or to fail a year just because feeling like i need to change something in my university. To fail just because a dumb professor. Is not worth it. I was overwhelmed of all the things i want to do now that i am done with finals. 17 tasks. Chose a few to start (Erasmus, plant the seeds for the garden i want to have, observing my schedule so i can insert 2h of studying every day and taking better notes) and scheduled the other for later. I am more relaxed when i know that sometimes all i have to do during a day is just a single task taking x amount of time. After this i am free to be lazy. I wont feel guilty because i worked already towards my goals for an amount of time. All is good Spent the last two days working on erasmus letters and CV. It wasn't the most pleasant activity to do but it was easier having a habit in place now. I remember two years ago when i was writing my letter of intention for NL and UK . I was so resistant and felt so much guilt. In fact last two years were full of guilt and burnout. I am amazing for surviving through that. I had no studying habit or time limits like a job in place. I was struggling each day to get things done. Anyways, tomorrow starts the new semester. I will take the labs with other groups as planned. I worry of course, of what my colleagues will say. Will the bullies ask me face to face if i am avoiding them? I got a bunch of lies to use if they do. Like is better for my schedule, i don't want to have that on Monday, etc. Avoiding them is the best thing i can do right now given my skillset. I keep reframing the negatives that come up with this choice. I am improving bit by bit. Focusing on replaying back and observing the bullying process in all my interactions. The two rednecks are too challenging to deal with right now. And is ok. I am getting there. I have the tendency not to speak back to criticism and insults at home too. But i started to noticed it and strike back. I am getting better and better at it every day. Still accepting that is happening. That i avoid and fear conflict. That this has being a theme in my life and is not serving me anymore.

Sorry to hear this. Hope you get better.

BTW my mom told me again about the testing she had last year- they found HEAVY METALS in her body, besides many problems and deficiencies. Last year this didn't ring any bells. They gave her some pills to treat it but she didn’t take it regularly. LOL. Like lol. Man that's fucked up. Having work ethic is so fcking important. I reminded her today again to take them. This was the second day and hope she wont forget. She was like um I didn’t have the time to read the label and than went on talking about what we should do in life and crap like this. mAN JUST taKE your PILLS stop SpeAKING Bs.!

I kept maintaining a better sleeping schedule. By these headaches are killing me, especially that i have back pain too. It was so hard to study with this combination the last few days. Plus the daydreaming of conflict scenarios at uni which was disturbing my attention as usually. Passed today's exam with an 8. To be honest the professor is too nice, and that's way i even passed. I need to start to study early, especially if something unexpected happens like catching a cold. Last exam on Friday with that difficult professor. I am starting to prepare now. I am anxious i wont pass. Cant wait to finish and to take care of erasmus. Some conflict at work and at uni today. Took action. All i have to do is to get in conflict at least once a day at work and once at university. Overtime i develop a habit of standing up for myself. I am still criticizing my progress too much. I would rather not take action than not doing i exactly like i imagined in my head. This is toxic. After this, I thought that if I want to stand up bulling in university I should expose myself to it. Conflict at work is different from university. Maybe just one-two labs with those bullies. But is so fucking hard, especially where I am now with my level of conflict management. I don’t know. Maybe next year. I feel is the only way to practice standing up for myself atm. Not sure yet. I have the last exam on Friday at botany. Than I can work on my Erasmus papers. Finally. Also, after my parents come home I can go start the driving lessons. Around march.

Studied for 20 in the end. Then went to work for 5 hours. Arrived home. I felt worse than yesterday. Ate, shower and fell asleep until 3am, looked at the ceiling and fell asleep again until 8am. Finally sleeping well.I have a light headache now but i have to study. I am shooting for 2 hours at least. Passed with a 7. We have same professor next semester so i know what he wants from us at exams and tests now.

I still feel sick and have a strong headache. I feel so tired and overwhelmed. My sleeping schedule is horrible and is starting to affect my health. But i still have to go to work for half a day. I have two exams left. I have zero motivation to study. I am going for some light 30 minutes session.

I couldn't sleep all night before exam. I freak out of how much i have to study. Plus i got overwhelmed for long periods of time all night daydreaming of conflict scenarios. it was horrible. i was like i have to go to the exam in a few hours and they'll make fun of me. Now that i am aware of this i cant let them treat me like that but i am not to the point where i can just stop it. So when i arrived i see that those guys didn't even passed all tests and projects to be able to take the exam. I felt so relaxed and outgoing. Didn't made myself small anymore. What a great feeling. Yet, i realize that the fear and problem are still there. The exam was good, pretty sure i will pass. This new semester i am starting earlier to study. I got some junk food after school. I liked it this time though. Arrived home and fell asleep. Woke up and ate smth then went to work. I felt sick after 30 minutes. Then the headache kicked in again. It was horrible. I was so miserable when i arrived home. Barely had the energy to take a shower and fell asleep until 3am. After that just sit in bad with a huge headache and sleepless.

I have so much to study for tomorrow's exam. I am anxious and resistant. I went to sleep after 4am. I woke up but i feel tired. I want to wait until night for the studying habit to kick in. oof I realised i am not doing all the work on the side business of my family's business. More just doing tasks around even if i have a part in talking about prices, purchases and so on. And this business owned more by my brother and father. I receive less money for the work i do monthly than them. I feel pissed. Same for internships. I don't do much on the side of business. But i will ask for it. Getting involved more in their business as well as my family's. I am worried that i don't know how to run a business and i have to learn it now. By business i mean how do you set prices, business plan, accounting, etc.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily ACCOMPLISHED! I was a nice challenge overall. the most important is that i finally re-started my studying habit. I missed some days, some days i studied one hour or one and a half, some days i started really late and so on. In the beginning i struggled so much to recall what i studied and now is at last easier. I have wished i studied like this last month for the last 2 years since i finished high school, and here i am doing it better than before. I thought by habits of studying in the last year of HS were perfect, just to find out that not quite. i still have exams until next weeks so i will keep this habit consistent. I can work on starting even if i don't want to, shorter breaks and more recalling.

Update: I didn't recall any material before the exam as i wished. Most of the exam questions were too specific and difficult formulated so i wasn't 100% sure what to answer. Even if i didn't study perfectly i remembered many things so i was able to use my intuition to answer. I got an 8. This means that i have to start earlier to study. I spent the last few days using a bunch of recalling between different chapters in each session. It helped a lot but the time was too short. As soon as i arrived in the exam class on of them said: Oh x came! Hahaha. By x i mean a name he calls me and i always say nothing. I replayed with a name he doesn't like to be called an he shut up. I was surprised- two weeks ago i didn't have the courage to speak back to him. During exam i was worried he might pick on me for coughing since i am sick. Lol. In a way my mind doesn't want to acknowledge what is happening- i cant believe this is going on even if i am open minded and into personal development. I think i deserve special treatment. How they can treat me like this when i am smarter? He called me that again after the exam and i said the same thing and he stoped. So i will basically push more and more to see when he reacts. Lol. Testing his boundaries too. They don't even make fun of the other guy anymore. Everyone thinks he is dumb. He is still acting weird and they don't say anything. Meanwhile, i am trying to speak and move as little as possible to not give them reasons to make fun of me. It seems i am the main target now. I am making progress but i am surprised how harsh i am on myself. I thought that i didn't say enough, i should have been more aggressive. I daydream conflict scenarios and boil in frustration but i have no consideration of how i act in real life, the level of my skills when dealing with this. I have a hard time accepting my real level. I don't want to acknowledge it. After the exam i bought a pepper spray for work. Just in case we arguing with someone in the future. And also some metal bar for beating too. We had some problem with some guys from the cable company, because one of them is just giving zero fucks about doing his work right and fucked some stuff in the electric panel. And i was so pissed my brother didnt call me to argue with him. Uh. I was sleeping. Cant wait to argue with some strangers. I have some swearing and insults to throw which i feel confident enough now to use. And also got some junk food from KFC. i thought i will feel so much dopamine and so much flavour. i got disgusted and sick from that greasy food. Ew.

I studied for one hour and a half, 30 minutes sessions. I struggled to start each time. I am also sick and i wanted to make it easier. I watched episodes and videos in between. Just woke up in the middle of the night because i went to sleep earlier. Right after i woke up i felt calm and rested. Then all the thoughts about conflict bullying and fear overwhelmed me. I don't want to wait years and increase the difficulty of people whom i oppose. I want that right now. I have an exam today. Spent hours looking at the profiles of my high school colleagues. Literally hours until i had to leave for that exam. Compared myself with them and just felt bad. I have no idea why i want to make myself to feel so worthless.

You are right! That's what i am focusing on now. To observe, learn from it and take action where i am at the edge of my comfort zone. I thought more about it least night and realised conflict at large is my biggest fear and obstacle. I am amazed about this and the effect it had on me so far. In a way is an opportunity and i would not even look deeper into conflict. I thought i am over it and wasn't aware of how is shaping my life so far. Is fascinating how many nuances and degrees are in arguing, standing up for yourself and dealing with every day conflict.

One of the best and knowledgeable videos i have seen on this subject.