Everyday

I still feel sick and have a strong headache. I feel so tired and overwhelmed. My sleeping schedule is horrible and is starting to affect my health. But i still have to go to work for half a day. I have two exams left. I have zero motivation to study. I am going for some light 30 minutes session.

I couldn't sleep all night before exam. I freak out of how much i have to study. Plus i got overwhelmed for long periods of time all night daydreaming of conflict scenarios. it was horrible. i was like i have to go to the exam in a few hours and they'll make fun of me. Now that i am aware of this i cant let them treat me like that but i am not to the point where i can just stop it. So when i arrived i see that those guys didn't even passed all tests and projects to be able to take the exam. I felt so relaxed and outgoing. Didn't made myself small anymore. What a great feeling. Yet, i realize that the fear and problem are still there. The exam was good, pretty sure i will pass. This new semester i am starting earlier to study. I got some junk food after school. I liked it this time though. Arrived home and fell asleep. Woke up and ate smth then went to work. I felt sick after 30 minutes. Then the headache kicked in again. It was horrible. I was so miserable when i arrived home. Barely had the energy to take a shower and fell asleep until 3am. After that just sit in bad with a huge headache and sleepless.

I have so much to study for tomorrow's exam. I am anxious and resistant. I went to sleep after 4am. I woke up but i feel tired. I want to wait until night for the studying habit to kick in. oof I realised i am not doing all the work on the side business of my family's business. More just doing tasks around even if i have a part in talking about prices, purchases and so on. And this business owned more by my brother and father. I receive less money for the work i do monthly than them. I feel pissed. Same for internships. I don't do much on the side of business. But i will ask for it. Getting involved more in their business as well as my family's. I am worried that i don't know how to run a business and i have to learn it now. By business i mean how do you set prices, business plan, accounting, etc.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily ACCOMPLISHED! I was a nice challenge overall. the most important is that i finally re-started my studying habit. I missed some days, some days i studied one hour or one and a half, some days i started really late and so on. In the beginning i struggled so much to recall what i studied and now is at last easier. I have wished i studied like this last month for the last 2 years since i finished high school, and here i am doing it better than before. I thought by habits of studying in the last year of HS were perfect, just to find out that not quite. i still have exams until next weeks so i will keep this habit consistent. I can work on starting even if i don't want to, shorter breaks and more recalling.

Update: I didn't recall any material before the exam as i wished. Most of the exam questions were too specific and difficult formulated so i wasn't 100% sure what to answer. Even if i didn't study perfectly i remembered many things so i was able to use my intuition to answer. I got an 8. This means that i have to start earlier to study. I spent the last few days using a bunch of recalling between different chapters in each session. It helped a lot but the time was too short. As soon as i arrived in the exam class on of them said: Oh x came! Hahaha. By x i mean a name he calls me and i always say nothing. I replayed with a name he doesn't like to be called an he shut up. I was surprised- two weeks ago i didn't have the courage to speak back to him. During exam i was worried he might pick on me for coughing since i am sick. Lol. In a way my mind doesn't want to acknowledge what is happening- i cant believe this is going on even if i am open minded and into personal development. I think i deserve special treatment. How they can treat me like this when i am smarter? He called me that again after the exam and i said the same thing and he stoped. So i will basically push more and more to see when he reacts. Lol. Testing his boundaries too. They don't even make fun of the other guy anymore. Everyone thinks he is dumb. He is still acting weird and they don't say anything. Meanwhile, i am trying to speak and move as little as possible to not give them reasons to make fun of me. It seems i am the main target now. I am making progress but i am surprised how harsh i am on myself. I thought that i didn't say enough, i should have been more aggressive. I daydream conflict scenarios and boil in frustration but i have no consideration of how i act in real life, the level of my skills when dealing with this. I have a hard time accepting my real level. I don't want to acknowledge it. After the exam i bought a pepper spray for work. Just in case we arguing with someone in the future. And also some metal bar for beating too. We had some problem with some guys from the cable company, because one of them is just giving zero fucks about doing his work right and fucked some stuff in the electric panel. And i was so pissed my brother didnt call me to argue with him. Uh. I was sleeping. Cant wait to argue with some strangers. I have some swearing and insults to throw which i feel confident enough now to use. And also got some junk food from KFC. i thought i will feel so much dopamine and so much flavour. i got disgusted and sick from that greasy food. Ew.

I studied for one hour and a half, 30 minutes sessions. I struggled to start each time. I am also sick and i wanted to make it easier. I watched episodes and videos in between. Just woke up in the middle of the night because i went to sleep earlier. Right after i woke up i felt calm and rested. Then all the thoughts about conflict bullying and fear overwhelmed me. I don't want to wait years and increase the difficulty of people whom i oppose. I want that right now. I have an exam today. Spent hours looking at the profiles of my high school colleagues. Literally hours until i had to leave for that exam. Compared myself with them and just felt bad. I have no idea why i want to make myself to feel so worthless.

You are right! That's what i am focusing on now. To observe, learn from it and take action where i am at the edge of my comfort zone. I thought more about it least night and realised conflict at large is my biggest fear and obstacle. I am amazed about this and the effect it had on me so far. In a way is an opportunity and i would not even look deeper into conflict. I thought i am over it and wasn't aware of how is shaping my life so far. Is fascinating how many nuances and degrees are in arguing, standing up for yourself and dealing with every day conflict.

One of the best and knowledgeable videos i have seen on this subject.

She asked again yesterday when i was waiting for the exam to start. I said yes, i want to do it. She said ok- didnt feel competition or arrogance from her. The girl next to us said no. I cant start working on all my goals at once after finals so i will postpone some. Definitely, first i will work on erasmus for 2 weeks. Regular working hours meantime. Internship work after.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Studied yesterday and today. Recalling is getting easier. I had the hardest exam today and i failed. I wrote at each subject but the professor said it wasn't enough. I would have passed if i had other subjects. Also, she was such a bitch because last year i criticised something he forced each class to do, wont get into it now. I will re take this exam at the end of finals and study daily, besides the other 3 exams left. By the time i finish all exams it will be almost March. Time flies so fucking fast. I have stuff i want to do after exams. Cant wait. Seems is taking forever. But at least i am passing exams and is all that really matters. I dont want to look like an asshole by starting to work at the internship after two months of exams. But i cant really do both. i want to talk about something but maybe in a few days

Someone asked in the group chat who else wants to do erasmus. I worry competition. Is funny that i dont worry about actually living abroad again but rather passing the admission process.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily I got used to study at night even if i still don't want to. Is easier, since i have been doing it for a few weeks now. Even longer. I have all day to study now but i cant bring myself to do it before the night. I got used to it. Having a routine is really powerful. wow. Yesterday i studied 30 minutes more. For the moment two hours daily is more than i can. After that i cant overcome resistance. Even so i can't focus one hour straight; i daydream and get caught up in memories. Didn't know my concentration is at this level. I really noticed how bad habits affect my ability to studying. And good habits i general. Fapping, porn, unhealthy food, tv series and social media make it harder to study because i have 2 hours with no fast rewards. I watch episodes of american dad every day after studying and fap to porn; noticed how is harder and harder to start when my mind knows i can get these rewards sooner and faster. The reason i get late to sleep is that i want to avoid all the regrets, postponed goals, confrontation, hate, and thoughts that come at night. But how do i deal with all of them so i can sleep? I need years to fix all. There has to be another way i can fall asleep earlier. I am hungry all the time. No matter how much i ate, i will feel hungry again after studying. I eat 4 times a day.

I'm studying Horticulture. Thanks.

What blocks me from studying better? What is stopping me? I can use this also for driving, sleeping and eating habits. Reasons to not eat junk food: I have walk to a junk food place, wait in line and after all of this hassle i have to pay. As i eat i feel bad and guilty. After I'll feel sad, guilty, tired, fat and unmotivated. Those money could have been spent on other things. This makes eating junk food harder.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Focusing 100% on smth is fucking hard for one hour. I find it really hard to start to study daily. I don’t want to do it. A reason is that I am worried ill fail. I cant revise very well my notes because I started late. I want to eat junk food. I feel resistant to study. I'm afraid of failure. I want to go to eat junk food from outside and do it every day until I am done with exams. I also feel guilty that I have AGAIN all day to study and I don’t. My father is doing my shift at work so I can study- and what I do? I waste time. I study for 2 h and then watch episodes and movies. But this guilt doesn’t make me motivated. Quite the contrary- to feel even more resistant. The food I eat every day is quite bad for my concentration. I cant believe I survived that much guilt and stress last year. Is unreal. I felt so bad. No wonder I wanted to get higher and try different stuff. It had the purpose of making me sick, like junk food , get motivated and starting to study. Other: I want to work on other habits right now. I need fast improvement. I am going on with my main challenge for now. Sleep is the next one.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Had a presentation and an exam today. I passed at both. Both way easier than i expected. I got the result at a test i had some time ago. I passed. I am happy but upset those guys passed too. Like i put more effort into studying and showing up to uni man. This isn't fair. They literally cheated or guessed the answers at some exams and tests and got better grades than me. My uni is a joke. I didn't study today. I will rest. Other: Thought to celebrate this end of the week with some junk food and alcohol. I didn't buy food because i felt disgusted and too tired to eat. Getting drunk wasn't appealing either. Drank and i feel even more tired. Didn't enjoy it. If i gave myself the permission to eat and drink isn't enjoyable anymore, so it seems. Some professor said again we are all a fucked up generation. I don't like him. Thinking to start judo. One of those dude's friends went to a dojo in my city. Not sure yet. They made fun of me again and i did as well to one of them. I fucking hate my current situation. Today it was the last day i had labs with them. Finally. Can't wait to start the second semester and think of smth else. There are some girls in my class they don't even dare to make fun of. But they test them every day and they repel them. Is not just about power but also about subtle behaviours and responses to adversity which make someone to respect you. I have to learn this. Is fascinating to me. I am not aware of my beta behaviours which encourage bulling. Fighting is just a facet of the skills of standing up for yourself. I will get better at it. I worked today and i will continue for a few days then stop again to study more. But it seems i struggle more to start when i don't go to work- i don't have any limitations. Don't know how i will manage my time when i start the new semester. I haven o idea how i will manage working, krav, studying, uni, internship and personal projects. But i do know i will finish all documents for erasmus right after exams.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Passed a difficult test with a 7. A quarter of students in my year failed. Felt proud, but i didn't put hard work into it. Only studied for a few ay and some of material just read over and over and quizzed myself. Didn't have time to make it right. I feel relaxed when my only goal is to study. I think fapping each night made me struggle with studying more. I mean that dopamine fucks me up. Makes me lazy in a way. I feel it. Next month I am going to deal with my sleeping issues. Is really bad. I cant take notes to courses because I am too tired. Also, i want to improve my diet for more energy. I am always hungry because of my sleep schedule. I cant fall asleep at regular hours and i cant study unless i nap first. As in 4 hour naps. I need a one day break from studying. Saturdays. After this challenge. oTHER Got bullied on Tuesday, and realised i have habit of not responding back right away. I smile and dont say smth because i dont want to be attacked physically and verbally. Maintained for years. After this i noticed that i translate their jokes as a description of my worth. If i don't stand up i am worthless. But my expectations are too high it takes time to tackle this habit. All i can say now is a few words in a calmly manner. No matter how much rage i feel i cant respond back full force like i daydream. And is ok. Seems harder for me to argue with colleagues than to yell at strangers at work. Last month i started arguing first time with clients and i need time to adapt. Is still a huge improvement. Even the class clown sad smth to me and it took me a few minutes until i responded back. Fascinating. But since then i felt relaxed because i know i am not what they say. I will do labs with other groups and keep learning to fight. Today and yesterday it was ok. They were nice to me after i helped them with something later same day on Tuesday. Had some conversations about martial arts and krav maga. One of them did judo, jiu jitsu and boxing. Planning to do that. I thought he did kickboxing. I will start driving lessons after exams. i am excited. I avoided to learn until now because i am afraid of confrontation. But i am better now. simmer- hayley

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30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Studying is going well. I have a bad habit of revising superficially my notes. I think i am too smart and i should retain it very fast. This is toxic and makes me stressed and surprised every time i get the results. I don't take into consideration the real amount of time and energy to get a good grade. I have unrealistic expectations. Passed another difficult test today. I was nervous, as a result i couldn't sleep at all. I have two more tests and an exam left this week.

30 day challenge of studying at least two hours daily Studied 2hours in a row. Five minute breaks. Worked wonderful. Now i want to study some more but i really don't want to. General Went to bed at 5 watching American dad and writing about that intern work. I couldn't decide what to drop from my schedule. But i realised i wont finish college being perfectly self actualised. I have all my life to work on what i am postponing now and i made peace with it.