Everyday

I dreamed i couldn't resist anymore and i started fapping while thinking i have disappointed myself again, i cant keep this improvement habit. Then i woke up and i felt relieved it was all a dream. I was so sure it's real. I was with another girl in this dream. Oh, and i realised i have been using music all along in a wrong way. I used it to prolong times of sadness and when i felt down and unmotivated. I would just sit there and listen to songs that encouraged feeling negative feelings instead of taking action once i realised what it bothers me thus, the negative feelings would disappear. I am taking more drives for my family in order to improve this skill. This morning i drove them to the church and then back home alone. It was challenging but i didn't damage the car. Felt so good seeing myself driving. Today i went to the lab to work with the guy from the second company/internship. I got better at lab work since last time i worked with him. The lab is in the area where my ex lived. He is surprised i am willing to ride the subway for an hour to learn from him. We started speaking about romantic relationships for the first time. Told him i am used to this trip because my ex bla bla. He was shocked i went to her so many times taking into account it takes me one hour just one way. He said he wouldn't have done that especially if the girl wasn't worth it. That he would have told her to come over more and so on. I saw another dimension to my ex relationship. I was super soft. It was indeed stupid to come over mostly myself so many times even fi i didn't see the problem. Told him more and I felt really stupid thinking of the crap i took from her for nothing. And he told me about his relationship and it was really interesting. We got more personal by speaking about relationships even if we know each other for a year already. By the end of the meeting i remembered and noticed some stuff i want to work on but i keep delaying them. Yesterday i was thinking all day that i wasn't even happy with her. It was so exhausting and i wasn't happy.... Being with her was such a big mistake. I cant believe how i left myself go in the last couple of months. i was so miserable. Last night i had back pain after work. I laid in bed but not for long in and then finished my homework, crossed some errands/ stuff that bothers me and some more of the google ads. I felt soo good. I wanted to give up but i prevailed over my own mind. Felt amazing.

more on this: i debunked a few neg beliefs around ''why i cant get a job'' and ''why i cant finish the google ads course''. Also, i asked myself how do i think i should feel about learning these skills and applying for a job. My response: i should feel 100% on board and someone should come and help me learn it. wow. Is so far from reality but is my own belief! Very interesting. No one is coming and i am the only one who can help myself

I will talk with him about this. Thanks for responding. He is quite resistant to change what he has atm. But i am sure he will be more open the the future ads he'll prepare from zero

Drove some more today in actual traffic. I wasn't as anxious as last time I got the ads account from 1st internship blocked. Not sure what i did wrong . Got more familiar with the platform. The owner is avoidant to actually let me just make ads. He wants to have a purpose or offer to promote. I get it- don't waste money on stupid tests/ ads if they aren't relevant. I optimised his running ads but don't know how to make them super effective yet. Got more data from fb pixel (add to cart, page view, viewc ategory) but still cant create events like i want to. Going to get the scholarship money next week for the 1st time. Started the google ads course. Wow is huge. Intro lecture and i thought that is boring, i cant do it, i should watch smth else like a tv series and so on. I wanted to, then compared with her and remembered i am the only one responsible for building the life i want. No one is going to do it for me. And that better since i dont depend on anyone to grow. So many negative thoughts i have while working on my goals. I want to fail/ resist studying for a test/ prepare to apply for a job because my mind wants to protect my weak self esteem from being fucked. I see i need to work while feeling like shit until my mind trusts me again. Saying i will do x than quitting over and over resulted in little self trust when i say i will achieve x,y,z.... I felt down for not knowing how to fix issues with ads and wanted to watch the last episode which appeared yesterday from the Madalorian. I remembered it will be one hour wasted, i will feel like shit and i will once again prove myself i cant abstain and solve my issues instead. Had strong urges this morning. I imagined moving my energy from not fapping through my whole body and felt amazing! I fell asleep during a lecture and felt bad Told my siblings i started google ads course and they where like oh ok. Still not thinking i will finish it and actually start applying and succeeding. Of course they don't if i said it a few months ago too and quit. I will prove myself i can, and them too.

Almost a month passed. I feel so much better now. I am tacking action and feeling calmer, motivated and relaxed.I was so miserable being needy, clingy and having a relationship just to prove to my old self i can. I was not happy with her for months but kept going. I depended on her for my happiness and motivation. I was wasting soo much time with her or thinking of her. I was waiting for her to help me achieve my goals. But in the same time used the relationship to escape from my own problems. Such a stupid thing. And now, i know better than ever why i actually got in that relationship. Is obvious now. I suffered so much for nothing. I am upset i put so much effort in a relationship with a girl who wasn't a good match for me. I regret wanting her approval over my own well being (still do but not like before). It feels like another life..... I was constantly stressed and anxious she'll dump me and just trying to make it work and so much more shit even if i was not satisfied with the relationship overall. I lost myself. It was draining, and i wanted to get out. I would have if i was more assertive. Many things would have been different if i didnt wait for other people to help me. Not just waiting for things to happen all the time

So i crossed more things of this list called: Things that bother me/ small problems I did some tasks i postponed for 6 months, others for weeks or days. All of them where accumulating and making me feel bad on top of big problems. Wow! it feels sooo good to know i have done those tasks! Finally!

Awesome!

Had a lecture in the morning. Couldn't focus well because i was thinking what to do with my future. Why am i doing this degree? What do i want in life? What can i do ? If I want x i need to put more effort into y and so on. Felt bed for wasting 2 years before college. Thought i cant do anything with horticulture in my domain in my country, and if i want to work abroad i need to put much more effort into getting skills and knx. I thought of starting another university in parallel to get a degree in social studies to look more qualified to work in an ad agency. Got upset again for making so many bad and lazy decision that led my where i am today..

Had more insights about my problems in general. Have been working for hours figuring out some settings and tests on the fb ads platform. Got upset that i am not fixing these issues faster. Well, i have discovered that i have the power of working for long hours and i have pushed myself past temptations to bitch and bail instead to keep trying. Indeed, i can achieve what i put in my mind. Last night i couldn't sleep thinking about my next steps. It was productive but got scared of what i can do. And questioned myself i can live up to my goals. wow.

UPDATES: Asked the owners from the 1st internship and they were excited to let me make ads for them. I was worried they wont let me practice. My imagination is funny I figured out (Again) that i am thinking of her randomly when i work or study because i want her level of drive, motivation and achievements. So slowly, as i get better i will not be bothered by these types of thoughts. I will get a part time job and i prove myself i can. I don't like to work for my family- this, combined with all other small and big things that bother me make me feel bad consistently. I got angry today wheel at work for doing it for over a year already..... even if i was able after the first months to find smth else. I just didnt believe i could..... so i didnt even try... i left myself helpless. I visualize myself working there and i get fired up even if i still have fears. Is such a clear goal, like i havent had before (my career goals in general are quite unclear). I have more and more of these triggers: thinking i need to achieve more, i have no excuse, everything can be done with a plan and persistence and so on. I am 22 and not have shit to show for myself. I cant live like this. I can do soo much more in life and i am cutting myself short. I have been waiting all my life for help from others in various areas of life.... no one is coming. I am the only one responsible for my life so far. Each stupid decision, made each day made me have all these problems. I am the only one who can make better decisions each day to get out of this pit. IS ALL UP TO ME! I also remembered that i feel bad even when i am taking action because my mind doesn't see how doing x will get me to y. For example learning about ads vs making them. But i need to the know how before, cant skip steps. My sis got her driving licence too :)) My bad feelings are also a result of the every day small stuff i am not doing and they add up. For example not cleaning my room, not harvesting my veggis and so on. So i came home and did just that. Man it feels sooooo goooood to stay in my room now. I haven't cleaned it properly in months. Each day i was feeling bad seeing all this mess. I made a list of all the things that i need to do and crossing things from it atm. Will do one each week. Still haven't fapped or watched tv series. I feel good even if i was horny in the morning and wanted to watch smth when i felt down. Working instead really made me feel good! That was the reason for watching a movie or movie review on yt in the first place. Each time i think to fap i remind myself that i need extra energy to work on my goals and that's it. It works. I dont want to go through the day with much less energy... is already hard man, why make it harder?

I went cycling with a friend out of the city yesterday, then to work. It was a better way to relax than watching tv series or movies. It felt both challenging and relaxing. I m looking for ways to relax atm, ways i truly enjoy not the ones that are just convenient. Yesterday's night i felt super bad, compared myself wit her too much, questioned my goals and worth. I finished the FB ads course and got super negative that i wont find a job so why bother. Instead of giving up i kept working and felt better. Visualised my plan and felt much much better. Woke up and felt much better. Today i would be celebrated 8 month with her if we didn't break up. I feel soooo much more relaxed, calm and good overall compared to a month ago. She was such a burden and the relationship was exhausting as fuck. I would have jumped in a relationship with whatever girl would say yes first. I am much better now even if i am still craving her approval. No problem. Keep going. That's what i did

I feel bad for not feeling motivated to keep studying or working on my goals> i watch a movie to relax- so i think- but actually i want to get motivated to keep studying/ working> i end up feeling bad for not taking action> the solution was just to keep working! I have to keep taking action regardless how i feel about it/ how i would like to feel.

@fridjonk thanks! good to know. I want to work part time at an ad agency.

@fridjonk hey wow fast reply are you working in the ads domain by any chance? If that's the case I will ask you as soon as i have some good questions worth asking

So my understanding of this is that i feel like shit at night for not making any effort towards my goals during the day. When i feel down/ worked for a few hours on uni work or similar i want to watch smth to well.... feel motivated to keep working. i dont need a break i need to motivate myself to keep working!!!!! and also i don't believe in myself that i have what i takes to achieve my goals....

Drove with my father on backstreets and a little in actual traffic. It was uncomfortable but i liked it. This was 1st day in real traffic since i got my licence! Cant wait to go next time! Yay! I started this facebook ads course in 29th of September! Is fucking Nov already?‍♂️! I am progressing way to slow. I am not taking this seriously enough. Unacceptable! I am too lazy! i JUST have to watch and read! Didn't get to actually practice it yet. I asked myself why- because i don't think i can do it, i don't trust myself i can tackle this challenge. If i keep going like this i wont finish by end of this month. I also need to practice what i have learned. I have to start a google ads course as well and practice afterwards too. So maybe i will finish mid November if i am going through it faster.

WHY do i watch TV series, YT videos of movie reviews and surf the internet? How would i feel if i wouldn't watch anything for a week? What am i distracting my attention from? What is really going on? AM am i searching to soak up motivation to work on my own goals? Am i watching one hour episodes just to get motivated.... somehow? What do i miss in my life that i need to take it from other people and from these sources? What would I rather do with my free time? What would i enjoy doing?

UPDATES: I am not satisfied with my results last of this week so far if i think of it. I will think what i can change and what i can do better. I need to think hat to adjust. I need to re-think my schedule, vision, goals and how to achieve them. I am watching S2 of the Mandalorian and noticed i dont really relax. I want some motivation from these characters. Hmmm. After i watched an episode to relax i thought wow- i feel bad now. I wanted to watch smth on yt. And each night i use to watch some videos on YT before going to sleep, you know to relax. But i end up not feeling good afterwards. More like feeling bad for not going to right to sleep. Also cant remember what i saw of it after i finish watching everything. Haven't fapped in a few days because I want more energy. I have only two days left of physiotherapy and kinesiotherapy next week. My sis is having her driving exam next week. Good luck sis! One of my goals for this year was to get my driver id. I achieved it finally. I thought of other things i achieved this year like having my 1st real gf, overcome sex fears, asked 3 girls out in total, sales involvement at 1st internship, got a scholarship, practice at the second one and home experiments for both, kombucha brewing, erasmus internship, passed university, etc. I felt happy when i remembered this. But now i feel it's not enough... i am angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i should have got these all of this years ago! I should have pushed myself harder. Wwhat was i waiting for???????????????????????? Is not impressive what i have achieved.... is average level really I could have done all of that sooner, much sooner and faster. Oh yeah, much much faster. I am disappointed of myself. i set the bar too low. Is sad and ...............

Right? I keep forgetting that i just need to do what i have to do and then i will feel good. Is so simple yet when i am saying later/i am xyz now so/ not right now/ i am too busy.... i dont think of it anymore.

After i passed i felt a vail of insecurity lifted.... so many times i felt inferior for not driving yet. Finally i wont feel inferior or embarrassed when meeting new people for not having a driver licence at my age! I wont receive weird looks anymore. I will be able to drive whenever i want and be more independent! I wont depend on my brother and father anymore. I felt so embarrassed they she had a driver licence and i didn't. Felt like a beta retard next to her while she was driving. Maaaaaaan i got my licence!! Yey!!!!!!!! Now i can drive to the company in BE! I will save soo much money!!!!!! ahahahahahhahahah I did it! And getting my driver licence was one of this year's goals, as well a goal after i turned 22! I achieved it! I did it! I put effort in, i gone through feeling angry, helpless and insecure while driving. I learned through practice! I was so troubled and insecure about it just a few months ago. Each time at the wheel was miserable, i couldn't sleep properly each night before! I was angry all day for not improving faster!! Man what a thing i achieved for myself. A few years ago i wouldn't even think i can do it. Wow

Example: I have to study but i am tired and i dont feel like it/ i Should study another chapter but i dont think i can.....> why? because i dont feel like it and i dont think i can do it> is this a stupid reason?> is it that hard to read some chapters and check what you studied? no! >Is it impossible? No!> will i die if i am pushing myself to study more?Noooo> i end up studying more. Same for small errands i have to do. I just do them. i want to be that person who does what he needs to do on time. He is driven. My mistake is that i am waiting to feel like it. Wrong! Just do it. I keep forgetting this. But now at least i am wasting a few hours until i remind myself instead of days.

UPDATES: Got my driver ID yesterday! Finally! I finally passed the driving exam! Feels gooooood. I have practiced a lot and took it more seriously after I failed the 1st one a month ago. She remembered about my driving exam and told me good luck. We spoke a little afterwards and she asked me if i want to come over her place to ''see'' her in a few weeks when she will be in my city over the weekend. I said yeah, sure. Lol =)))))))))))))) I asked her about having sex in the future when we broke up but didnt think she was serious about it. =)))))))))) Hahahahha never hurts to ask, right? Anyways, i remembered how annoyed she is =)))))))))) and how hard i tried to be this nice boyfriend persona with her to get more approval. I was double-checking every move and message in case she figure out i dont care that much about her. It was exhausting and i wasn't happy. I tried sooo hard to keep a relationship with a girl just to receive approval... again, from someone who wasn't right for me and i knew it. It wasn't that clear a few months ago. I feel pissed now that i put so much effort just for some approval, in order to avoid my real life problems and to hope to get some motivation from her magically =)))))))))) Our usual dissuasions where around her telling me how hard she works and how tired she is. How many things she knows and achieved, how others are inferior compared to her (including her friends), latest work drama and her future and present plans. Bragging left and right. Last time i spoke with her i asked how is she after she asked me first. I knew what will happen: She wrote several looooooooooong messages about her new schedule, job, and achievements. I rolled my eyes- how did i last so long with her? I would react to all of this by being her best cheerleader: Congrats! Good Job! You cant do it!. Even if i actually was envious i am not able doing the same for myself. I spent time cheering her up for her achievements than i did the same for myself. My parents have been arguing a lot lately. Today, was the worse. My father called her names and yelled at her all day. I was glad I went to kineto so I could get out of my house. Last week I was more productive than I was in years. I used lots of negative motivation and it worked. I realized that behind my laziness and resistance are lack of trust that I can accomplish goals and a bunch of excuses and negative beliefs. I got a scholarship from my university for being in top 12 students with the best grades. I have 8 something =)))))))))))) I was number 6. Lol. Still cant believe it! Last semester was a joke and the first i was sleeping all the time during lectures. Anyways, I got upset i didnt work harder to build the discipline to study. I will start receiving money soon. My friend from university also got a scholarship =))))))))) =))))))))))))))) we were laughing that i slept during lectures 1st semester and he skipped a lot of classes because work and when he showed up he was drunk/ hangover=)))))))) we still got scholarships lol. =))))))))))))))))))))))) I thought my colleagues did better but apparently not The facebook ads course from udemy is going great! I was anxious to tell to my family about it. They still dont believe this time i will actually try harder to get a job. My father will take my shift to if i get hired part time. He didnt say a thing yet but i know he will. Also, he said i should get less money from work if i get a scholarship now because the business wasn't doing great lately and stuff. lol. WTF am i working there anyways ahahhaha. I want to make some ads experiments after i finish it and than do google ads etc. i want to start applying for part time jobs by the end of this month.

I mean songs that remind you of her Than do what works for you and what makes you feel better

Updates: Read all posts starting from December 2019. Wow. I forgot what struggles i had back then. I would have worked harder. Read all posts about my ex. Wow. I forgot how vulnerable, scared and insecure i was in the very beginning. I was sooo anxious she'll leave me. I tried really hard to keep the relationship for the sake of having a GF. I really learned a lot since then. I was really really anxious and afraid and really grew as a person after out argument last month. I exaggerated, forgot or changed the history of our relationship in my mind. I forgot the exact month I went out with that girl from high school. It was December. I didnt want a relationship with her and we spoke about remaining friends. Lol. We didnt speak since then. I forgot i wished she wont contact me again and was super happy she didnt. I realised i didnt think much about her since then. And that i dont want to see my ex either. Dont want to be friends. A week and a day passed since we spoke last time and i happy about it. It was really exhausting in the last months. I am more productive and better each day. I made so much progress with the FB ads course. I have a better opinion about myself. I got really anxious i wont get a job after i finish a few more courses. I am full of negative thinking. Is ok i will get a job. One step at a time- one video at a time, one course etc. Still think of her from time to time but i block the thoughts asap. Sometimes is harder. But the thoughts are about sex or her saying i am not working hard enough and not having a purpose. So is all good since isn't about her as a person but more about the relationship advantages so to speak and my hurt ego (career). I contacted one of the girls who flirted with me at krav in the past. My GF hated those girls. I didn't get a rebound relationship because i showed too much interest and was too needy etc. I wanted to be sure im not missing on an opportunity. Cant say i liked that girl a lot either. Funny how i said to myself a few months i will never do smth like this =))))) I was happy she said basically no since i am not in the best emotional shape atm to start a new relationship. I started my 5th kombucha brew yesterday. I will harvest some veggies from my garden. I keep the bottles next to my desk and drink while studying =))) Didn't have patience and drank all my F1. Couldn't wait for F2 =)))) My hemp plant is a huuuuuuge monster now. My parents are freaking out ahahahah. Went to uni with a colleague by bike last week. It was fun. I was afraid i will get hit by a car or smth. It was ok i was careful. Meant to do that trip for a long time. I prepared a big bag of old clothes for charity 2 weeks ago but i keep forgetting sending them Cooked more Finally, starting tomorrow to go to kineto therapy for my back.

Btw just read your break-up journal and indeed our situations are similar. To be honest i didn't really see a problem in caring more about her than myself but she said if i do this and that for her, than she breaks up with me i will be left with nothing and i will blame her. Also, that i am putting too much pressure on her by making her priority nr.1 of my life. Anyways, i see you really liked your gf from the beginning, in my case i was happy just to be with someone and make up for my past failings in this area. Also, you liked her because she meet a few criteria you wanted and needed. You'll meet someone who will match with even more criteria im sure. And another thing that is helping me a lot is to not listen to sad music, checking her profile or pictures on my phone and to block thoughts when i catch myself thinking of her spontaneously. The last part is very hard. Hope this helps.