Everyday

About that.... It was supposed to be this weekend. Logistical problems since she was staying at her father and i stay with my family. I felt like crap after messaging her and i just decided to say pass to sex for the greater good of my own well being long term. Since she said that, i kept thinking that we will get back together even if that's not what i want at all. I just needed to let go and move on. I couldn't do this when the possibility of sex was there. Also, i thought of the insecurity and anxiety i would feel if she might call me next year for sex or not. I would think that at any day she might message me if she didn't find a new guy. This would have been way too much stress. For weeks i thought i am helpless, that i have no other option than to do it with her. That i would be dumb to refuse and that there is very hard to find a new girl and that it will take a long time until a girl would like me again. I thought is my only way to learn to be better at relationships and sex... but i read half of the book sex god and realised how many mistakes i have made and i was like lol... i don't need her to motivate me and not even to get better at sex. lol. I didn't learn in a few months of sex what i learned from 2h reading that book. Same for relationship knowledge. All in need to do is read. So she said she'll call me when she finishes work in the city and we'll figure smth out. I felt like the stupidest man alive for wanting to see her. It was clear i need to let it go. Two hours ago I messaged her that is best we don't see each other today at all nor in the future even if i will get over her eventually. I said: I am still caring of you and i imagine we will get back together if we see each other now. That isn't good for either of us. I hope you understand She deleted two messages and i didn't have the chance to read them. Then she said you aren't the only one who feels like this, that's why i wanted to see you and maybe you are right and its best we let it go. Then, she said is best i didn't see her messages and we will get over each other faster because i didn't read them. WTF? she wanted to get back with me? I was miserable. She complained of all the things she didn't like about me and so on. She complained about my inexistent career and lack of motivation in life, working for my parents and not doing anything to change it, being too needy and immature, not keeping promises, getting angry before listening to her explanations, not trying harder to get a job in ads as i wanted and not being driven in general. Why would she want to be with me again? Why? I thought it was clear she is over with me. I thought she forgot about me shortly after. I am confused. What she sees in me because from what she said, i thought she is done with me forever. What reason would she have to want me again? WTF! I would not have been with me a month ago. I was needy, lazy, complacent, indifferent and miserable. I was stupid. I was dependent on her to take care of me. I was expecting from her to fix my problems. To teach me what to do in bed and behave in a relationship. I knew i am unhappy but didn't make any effort to change smth. i was indifferent to my lifestyle. i lost hope. Seeing her achieve goals and work hard made me doubt myself and feel helpless. I thought i cant do the same for my own life. Why would she want that is beyond my understanding especially that it would be a long distance until she returns??????? Why would she want to be with me again if she had so many complaints??? I am really confused. I thought that sex isn't worth it just for the stress, anxiety, annoyance and so much more shit i endured in the last few months. Just no. Self respect would drop like crazy, especially that i was unhappy for so long. I care more of achieving my own goals now, then to have a little sex. The effort isn't worth it. Getting back and proving her i can change just for approval is stupid. Being with her out of fear of not finding another is stupid. Being with her to not be single is stupid. Being with her because this would make her happy but not yourself is stupid. Staying with a person to feel that you are a valuable and enough person is toxic. Is misery. I should have had a break up sooner. Her approval, wont truly make me become the person i want to be. I am free finally, i can let it go. I see that after our 1st big fight i tried sooo hard to make her forgive me because i thought i am not good enough to be with other girl, that no other girl will like me very soon. And i thought i will be with her until some new girl will save me from this relationship. I was waiting for someone to end the relationship for me. Oof. I see that my biggest problems weren't solved during the relationship. I just tricked myself to ignore them. Here they are again, as i left them. I was waiting for years for a girl to take care of me and my problems...... No body can do it but me! Funny- i want to know what she wrote to me. And if this happened f2f i would have had a harder time telling her this. Just out of desperation and my own problems. But even if i said lets get back together i would still break up with her after some time. I wasn't happy and that's it. Better to end it now than to get in a more messy situation later on.

65% now!

No fap is going good. Very strong urges last few days. Still have lots of energy.

UPDATES: Three days ago i was at a lecture online at 8am. I was trying to focus, think and answer to the professor. I noticed a cluster of negative thoughts and contradictions: i dont really care about this university yet, i want good grades in the same time i cant learn this is a stupid degree and i dont even need good grades because i hope i will get a job after Erasmus internship... is too hard dont know if i can study consistently is not important what if i study and fail the exam> self esteem affected i have better things to do I am all the time speaking shit about the quality of my studies with other people and over here. This reinforces that my degree is stupid and i am stupid if i study seriously. But in the same time i do want the routine, knx and discipline to study. So stop speaking shit about it. Study instead and focus on developing discipline. Drove today with brother and he got super mad i am embarrassing him in traffic with my shity driving. I said no problem, i wont give up. I am going with my father tomorrow instead. Cant quit just like that. I wont. I am getting better each time. Right after i searched online the mistakes i did - felt better immediately- i took action. A few months ago i would have felt bad for hours and days not getting the hint from my brain that i need to take action. Doubted myself again. Not proud of my life so far. I am working for over a year for my family and i hate it. i depend on them to receive money. Didn't try hard to change it until now. I failed uni. Still learning to drive. I don't have good grades at uni. I am pushed around and used by people. Had a shity relationship out of scarcity. I am weak. Being too soft and lazy. Expecting others to help me. I am a failure currently. I don't even eat healthy. I have so many things i want to do with my life but didn't so far. I am not what i can be now. Not even close. I am not pushing myself enough. I have lots of work to do. It takes time to tackle each topic effectively and to see long term results. Right now top priority is to change my job. Is just shit. It will be such a boost to show myself i am getting payed to enjoy my work. 45% of the Google ads course completed. It would be over 50% but yesterday's morning i was too tired when i was watching a few in the morning so i viewed them again. Having that fb course under my belt now makes me look motivated. I have more changes to get hired than before. i dont know exactly what i want to do with my life. I want a business which would be a combination of both internships but i have no clear image or deadline. I just hope that things will magically solve themselves in a couple of years. That someone will give me a job offer in those/ that domain and later start my own business. Not sure i want that either or that i can do it. But with this ads job man... is clear and concrete. I can see what position and where i want to work. I can see it. I feel so much more motivation just imagine working at that company. Amazing. Cant say the same about what i am doing with my degree and afterwards. I felt stupid that i am working at the 2nd internship in sales. Or i should say ''sales'' because is not really a full time position or anything. I got some knx but i cant use any now. Is not even real sales or smth. Is just mails, some calls and orders. Dont even know if i want to work in the domain myself. Not sure of anything! I feel stupid since i dont like it and i am not even sure why i am doing it. I just think that one day i will have a business and i need to know to do sales. What a stupid reason. Wont add as a real job in my cv either. Man, my cv is just fluff. No real job skills or job experience. Is just crap. I can use my time to get a real job! To get some real job skills or build my discipline by studying for university. Crossed some stuff from the ''things that bother me'' list but added more and more. I cant believe how could i be so indifferent to my goals and needs and opt to watch tv series and YT instead of fixing them! All the knx is online! What was i thinking?!

I just realised i am very confused on how the world, motivation, emotions, relationships, LP work. I have a few pieces of knx here and there but not the whole picture. I am most of the times unsure how to react to various situations and problems. I know i am not doing the right thing but dont know how to solve the problem either. I have been reading books and not applying the knx or quitting too early. The fb ads course is actually the first course i ever finished. And besides, i only read a few books until the end, and applied the knx from even less.... So, back on showing my mind i can finish and apply knx, until i will trust myself again.

Remembered what leo said: someone else's opinion good or bad doesn't bring any real value to you. Wow. I feel down now. I am still dependent on others' opinion of me even if i see that it doesn't truly help me in any way. I thought of my mom who loves me very much and is encouraging me all the time then i thought of my ex's bad opinion of me. I see now both opinion from opposed points of view bring me no real value. Never did. Life doesn't get easier nor my problems get solved by themselves. I feel like a true fool for wanting so bad her approval... and in the end it brought me no closer from where i want to be in life. Such a stupid waste of time and effort..... So we got that solved. The guy from FB support wasn't sure what went wrong either.

I am not working hard enough. I can push myself much more. I am disappointed of myself. I got soft again. I have 2.5 years of college left and then i am out in the open with no job or skills. I am nowhere in life atm. Cant keep living like this. I am not near the person i want to be! I am 22 and dont have a job i like already?! Unacceptable! I have no excuse for not working harder, being more motivated and taking action....

I dreamed i couldn't resist anymore and i started fapping while thinking i have disappointed myself again, i cant keep this improvement habit. Then i woke up and i felt relieved it was all a dream. I was so sure it's real. I was with another girl in this dream. Oh, and i realised i have been using music all along in a wrong way. I used it to prolong times of sadness and when i felt down and unmotivated. I would just sit there and listen to songs that encouraged feeling negative feelings instead of taking action once i realised what it bothers me thus, the negative feelings would disappear. I am taking more drives for my family in order to improve this skill. This morning i drove them to the church and then back home alone. It was challenging but i didn't damage the car. Felt so good seeing myself driving. Today i went to the lab to work with the guy from the second company/internship. I got better at lab work since last time i worked with him. The lab is in the area where my ex lived. He is surprised i am willing to ride the subway for an hour to learn from him. We started speaking about romantic relationships for the first time. Told him i am used to this trip because my ex bla bla. He was shocked i went to her so many times taking into account it takes me one hour just one way. He said he wouldn't have done that especially if the girl wasn't worth it. That he would have told her to come over more and so on. I saw another dimension to my ex relationship. I was super soft. It was indeed stupid to come over mostly myself so many times even fi i didn't see the problem. Told him more and I felt really stupid thinking of the crap i took from her for nothing. And he told me about his relationship and it was really interesting. We got more personal by speaking about relationships even if we know each other for a year already. By the end of the meeting i remembered and noticed some stuff i want to work on but i keep delaying them. Yesterday i was thinking all day that i wasn't even happy with her. It was so exhausting and i wasn't happy.... Being with her was such a big mistake. I cant believe how i left myself go in the last couple of months. i was so miserable. Last night i had back pain after work. I laid in bed but not for long in and then finished my homework, crossed some errands/ stuff that bothers me and some more of the google ads. I felt soo good. I wanted to give up but i prevailed over my own mind. Felt amazing.

more on this: i debunked a few neg beliefs around ''why i cant get a job'' and ''why i cant finish the google ads course''. Also, i asked myself how do i think i should feel about learning these skills and applying for a job. My response: i should feel 100% on board and someone should come and help me learn it. wow. Is so far from reality but is my own belief! Very interesting. No one is coming and i am the only one who can help myself

I will talk with him about this. Thanks for responding. He is quite resistant to change what he has atm. But i am sure he will be more open the the future ads he'll prepare from zero

Drove some more today in actual traffic. I wasn't as anxious as last time I got the ads account from 1st internship blocked. Not sure what i did wrong . Got more familiar with the platform. The owner is avoidant to actually let me just make ads. He wants to have a purpose or offer to promote. I get it- don't waste money on stupid tests/ ads if they aren't relevant. I optimised his running ads but don't know how to make them super effective yet. Got more data from fb pixel (add to cart, page view, viewc ategory) but still cant create events like i want to. Going to get the scholarship money next week for the 1st time. Started the google ads course. Wow is huge. Intro lecture and i thought that is boring, i cant do it, i should watch smth else like a tv series and so on. I wanted to, then compared with her and remembered i am the only one responsible for building the life i want. No one is going to do it for me. And that better since i dont depend on anyone to grow. So many negative thoughts i have while working on my goals. I want to fail/ resist studying for a test/ prepare to apply for a job because my mind wants to protect my weak self esteem from being fucked. I see i need to work while feeling like shit until my mind trusts me again. Saying i will do x than quitting over and over resulted in little self trust when i say i will achieve x,y,z.... I felt down for not knowing how to fix issues with ads and wanted to watch the last episode which appeared yesterday from the Madalorian. I remembered it will be one hour wasted, i will feel like shit and i will once again prove myself i cant abstain and solve my issues instead. Had strong urges this morning. I imagined moving my energy from not fapping through my whole body and felt amazing! I fell asleep during a lecture and felt bad Told my siblings i started google ads course and they where like oh ok. Still not thinking i will finish it and actually start applying and succeeding. Of course they don't if i said it a few months ago too and quit. I will prove myself i can, and them too.

Almost a month passed. I feel so much better now. I am tacking action and feeling calmer, motivated and relaxed.I was so miserable being needy, clingy and having a relationship just to prove to my old self i can. I was not happy with her for months but kept going. I depended on her for my happiness and motivation. I was wasting soo much time with her or thinking of her. I was waiting for her to help me achieve my goals. But in the same time used the relationship to escape from my own problems. Such a stupid thing. And now, i know better than ever why i actually got in that relationship. Is obvious now. I suffered so much for nothing. I am upset i put so much effort in a relationship with a girl who wasn't a good match for me. I regret wanting her approval over my own well being (still do but not like before). It feels like another life..... I was constantly stressed and anxious she'll dump me and just trying to make it work and so much more shit even if i was not satisfied with the relationship overall. I lost myself. It was draining, and i wanted to get out. I would have if i was more assertive. Many things would have been different if i didnt wait for other people to help me. Not just waiting for things to happen all the time

So i crossed more things of this list called: Things that bother me/ small problems I did some tasks i postponed for 6 months, others for weeks or days. All of them where accumulating and making me feel bad on top of big problems. Wow! it feels sooo good to know i have done those tasks! Finally!

Awesome!

Had a lecture in the morning. Couldn't focus well because i was thinking what to do with my future. Why am i doing this degree? What do i want in life? What can i do ? If I want x i need to put more effort into y and so on. Felt bed for wasting 2 years before college. Thought i cant do anything with horticulture in my domain in my country, and if i want to work abroad i need to put much more effort into getting skills and knx. I thought of starting another university in parallel to get a degree in social studies to look more qualified to work in an ad agency. Got upset again for making so many bad and lazy decision that led my where i am today..

Had more insights about my problems in general. Have been working for hours figuring out some settings and tests on the fb ads platform. Got upset that i am not fixing these issues faster. Well, i have discovered that i have the power of working for long hours and i have pushed myself past temptations to bitch and bail instead to keep trying. Indeed, i can achieve what i put in my mind. Last night i couldn't sleep thinking about my next steps. It was productive but got scared of what i can do. And questioned myself i can live up to my goals. wow.

UPDATES: Asked the owners from the 1st internship and they were excited to let me make ads for them. I was worried they wont let me practice. My imagination is funny I figured out (Again) that i am thinking of her randomly when i work or study because i want her level of drive, motivation and achievements. So slowly, as i get better i will not be bothered by these types of thoughts. I will get a part time job and i prove myself i can. I don't like to work for my family- this, combined with all other small and big things that bother me make me feel bad consistently. I got angry today wheel at work for doing it for over a year already..... even if i was able after the first months to find smth else. I just didnt believe i could..... so i didnt even try... i left myself helpless. I visualize myself working there and i get fired up even if i still have fears. Is such a clear goal, like i havent had before (my career goals in general are quite unclear). I have more and more of these triggers: thinking i need to achieve more, i have no excuse, everything can be done with a plan and persistence and so on. I am 22 and not have shit to show for myself. I cant live like this. I can do soo much more in life and i am cutting myself short. I have been waiting all my life for help from others in various areas of life.... no one is coming. I am the only one responsible for my life so far. Each stupid decision, made each day made me have all these problems. I am the only one who can make better decisions each day to get out of this pit. IS ALL UP TO ME! I also remembered that i feel bad even when i am taking action because my mind doesn't see how doing x will get me to y. For example learning about ads vs making them. But i need to the know how before, cant skip steps. My sis got her driving licence too :)) My bad feelings are also a result of the every day small stuff i am not doing and they add up. For example not cleaning my room, not harvesting my veggis and so on. So i came home and did just that. Man it feels sooooo goooood to stay in my room now. I haven't cleaned it properly in months. Each day i was feeling bad seeing all this mess. I made a list of all the things that i need to do and crossing things from it atm. Will do one each week. Still haven't fapped or watched tv series. I feel good even if i was horny in the morning and wanted to watch smth when i felt down. Working instead really made me feel good! That was the reason for watching a movie or movie review on yt in the first place. Each time i think to fap i remind myself that i need extra energy to work on my goals and that's it. It works. I dont want to go through the day with much less energy... is already hard man, why make it harder?

I went cycling with a friend out of the city yesterday, then to work. It was a better way to relax than watching tv series or movies. It felt both challenging and relaxing. I m looking for ways to relax atm, ways i truly enjoy not the ones that are just convenient. Yesterday's night i felt super bad, compared myself wit her too much, questioned my goals and worth. I finished the FB ads course and got super negative that i wont find a job so why bother. Instead of giving up i kept working and felt better. Visualised my plan and felt much much better. Woke up and felt much better. Today i would be celebrated 8 month with her if we didn't break up. I feel soooo much more relaxed, calm and good overall compared to a month ago. She was such a burden and the relationship was exhausting as fuck. I would have jumped in a relationship with whatever girl would say yes first. I am much better now even if i am still craving her approval. No problem. Keep going. That's what i did

I feel bad for not feeling motivated to keep studying or working on my goals> i watch a movie to relax- so i think- but actually i want to get motivated to keep studying/ working> i end up feeling bad for not taking action> the solution was just to keep working! I have to keep taking action regardless how i feel about it/ how i would like to feel.

@fridjonk thanks! good to know. I want to work part time at an ad agency.

@fridjonk hey wow fast reply are you working in the ads domain by any chance? If that's the case I will ask you as soon as i have some good questions worth asking

So my understanding of this is that i feel like shit at night for not making any effort towards my goals during the day. When i feel down/ worked for a few hours on uni work or similar i want to watch smth to well.... feel motivated to keep working. i dont need a break i need to motivate myself to keep working!!!!! and also i don't believe in myself that i have what i takes to achieve my goals....

Drove with my father on backstreets and a little in actual traffic. It was uncomfortable but i liked it. This was 1st day in real traffic since i got my licence! Cant wait to go next time! Yay! I started this facebook ads course in 29th of September! Is fucking Nov already?‍♂️! I am progressing way to slow. I am not taking this seriously enough. Unacceptable! I am too lazy! i JUST have to watch and read! Didn't get to actually practice it yet. I asked myself why- because i don't think i can do it, i don't trust myself i can tackle this challenge. If i keep going like this i wont finish by end of this month. I also need to practice what i have learned. I have to start a google ads course as well and practice afterwards too. So maybe i will finish mid November if i am going through it faster.

WHY do i watch TV series, YT videos of movie reviews and surf the internet? How would i feel if i wouldn't watch anything for a week? What am i distracting my attention from? What is really going on? AM am i searching to soak up motivation to work on my own goals? Am i watching one hour episodes just to get motivated.... somehow? What do i miss in my life that i need to take it from other people and from these sources? What would I rather do with my free time? What would i enjoy doing?

UPDATES: I am not satisfied with my results last of this week so far if i think of it. I will think what i can change and what i can do better. I need to think hat to adjust. I need to re-think my schedule, vision, goals and how to achieve them. I am watching S2 of the Mandalorian and noticed i dont really relax. I want some motivation from these characters. Hmmm. After i watched an episode to relax i thought wow- i feel bad now. I wanted to watch smth on yt. And each night i use to watch some videos on YT before going to sleep, you know to relax. But i end up not feeling good afterwards. More like feeling bad for not going to right to sleep. Also cant remember what i saw of it after i finish watching everything. Haven't fapped in a few days because I want more energy. I have only two days left of physiotherapy and kinesiotherapy next week. My sis is having her driving exam next week. Good luck sis! One of my goals for this year was to get my driver id. I achieved it finally. I thought of other things i achieved this year like having my 1st real gf, overcome sex fears, asked 3 girls out in total, sales involvement at 1st internship, got a scholarship, practice at the second one and home experiments for both, kombucha brewing, erasmus internship, passed university, etc. I felt happy when i remembered this. But now i feel it's not enough... i am angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i should have got these all of this years ago! I should have pushed myself harder. Wwhat was i waiting for???????????????????????? Is not impressive what i have achieved.... is average level really I could have done all of that sooner, much sooner and faster. Oh yeah, much much faster. I am disappointed of myself. i set the bar too low. Is sad and ...............