Everyday

Had my last exam an hour ago. Feels good. It was harder than i expected. I am finally done and have a one week break. I am going tomorrow to drive in the morning and at noon to walk with my friend. I asked a professor from university for help with a recommendation letter to apply this year as well.

I went driving yesterday, first time in weeks. It was horrible. My father said i am stupid and driving is not for me. He is right. I should give up. Went driving today too. I will go tomorrow as well. I don't know why i even bother. I cant do it :( Bought three pairs of jeans yesterday. I always had only 2 pairs and had to wait until one of them was clean out of the washing machine. It didn't even take me long to buy them. I need to shorten them a little and that's it. Couldn't find fitting t shirts. Neither could i last time. Weird. I need to also clean my shoes again. Two days ago i called her at night as usually and she said i am too upset with my mom to speak with you. I cant do it. I said ok and appolgized. I should have seen the signs. She appolgized last night. Last night i didn't want to speak with her because i was too upset but i did it. I am thinking when to break up with her next week. She will probably come here on Thursday and wants to leave with me to spend the weekend together. She sees me upset for a week and just tells me to cheer up.. like it would be that easy. I don't know if it is better to break up with her when she arrives here or after that weekend together. Not sure how to handle this. I thought of telling her i don't want to spend the weekend together because i don't feel good and i wont be good company---- and break up with her on Thursday. I have been waiting a long time do it. I wanted to for weeks but waited for her to finish her exams. But other problems keep arising in her life and i feel is too much for me to handle. I have a limit and is too hard man.....

So today was last internship day of this week :(. It passed way to fast man. I stayed one hour extra yesterday speaking about how to make sitelinks, headlines, descriptions and choose better keywords. Today we continued the same thing. It was interesting. I am too harsh on myself and to impatient to learn faster. Got a sticker of the agency logo for my laptop The company who rejected me last summer and the one from this month are hiring again. Not sure if the second company even hired someone last 3 months. Weird. Not sure what my plan will be like for the following years. This digital marketing thing seems very appealing for me. My GF has her last exam this week as well. She is very stressed. Thanks! You too.

Had another exam today and i finished it from the agency this morning. It was stressful and i wasn't well prepared. Still watching tv series, not eating well, no back exercises, visualization, lp work and so on. I am sad tomorrow is the last day of this week internship already. I am learning so much and is so exciting. We worked with keywords and account settings for google ads. I find it amazing and i like to work with them. The trainer is so passionate. Spent the weekend with my gf and her parents in her town. Drank again. Her parents like me more. Ate well. But the discussion about me living to NL eventually/ not being sure if i will stay there is ruining everything. I feel trapped again. I am gravitating between breaking up asap and waiting until i finish uni to do it- in my mind makes sense but not for her. Each month gets harder because i have to tell her if i wanna stay in my country or try my luck abroad. To be honest i am not sure when i will leave or if i will be able to. So many things to take into consideration. In my mind i would like to pretend i will never leave until i do and everyone goes on their own way. Everything is fine. No strings attached or grudges. Not everyone thinks like this. This Friday i have the last exam and then one week break from university. We don't know if the next semester will be online or not. Hope it will. I thought of pushing living to BE for the Erasmus internship. I want to learn more and for longer at this ad agency. In two weeks they'll choose 2 of us to hire. Parents are arguing again, now because of my grandma.

They invited us yesterday to take lunch with the whole team. It was nice. I actually disappointed isn't a 5 day work thing yet. I like it there. I thought of the work i did for the 1st internship in sales and social media..... I learned so little. I should have applied for a job sooner. I like having someone to teach me about these topics. I have made more progress in two days then in over a year that start-up business. At the ad agency is funny that i have more experience than both girls even if they are both studying marketing. I just studied ads and made them myself. It makes a big difference. They got this internship as part of their university schedule. I had to make more effort to show them i am actually into this field. We are learning about google ads atm. Next week they'll have us make our 1st campaigns of search and shopping. Apparently, 80% of profit comes from google ads whereas just 20% from FB ads. Interesting. This week we discussed about different types of campaigns, ad groups, keywords, match types, etc I am going again through the udemy course on google ads. Forgot some stuff and have resistance to revise some lessons. I have spent last month watching lots of tv series and movies. Finished yesterday agents of shield. i wasted lots of time with that shit. I lost the desire to study and become better. I cant just watch a few episodes without going crazy and dismissing other areas of my life.

Thanks a lot

It was awesome at the ad agency I am basically doing a one month internship with two girls. Three times a week for 3 hours from Monday to Wednesday. By the end of the month they will choose two of us to hire. Our trainer is super passionate about making ads and marketing and is a cool guy. I like it a lot. I learned so much in just two days.

I am quite anxious for tomorrow but also excited. I wonder what it will be like and if i hope i will actually start work and isn't a test. More problems with dumb clients at my family's business. Just stupid people. I didn't get angry. I will be out of here soon. These problems are just plain stupid and unimportant. Just frustrated people making a scene from stupid problems. Is a waste of my time. A big one. Still watching tv series all night Not doing all the pc exercises on a daily basis atm

Hey The guy from the 1st agency called me today. We are meeting again at the office on Monday Great! I moved the SCOBY to another jar. I want to make a new one. Is forming quite fast : ) d

Cheated on some tests again. The guys from the second agency, the one i used to visualize and had an interview 2 weeks ago replayed this morning. They dont want to hire me. Maybe they are looking for someone with more experience. I will take out some stuff from my CV to not appear so undecided. They wanted to know how i drifted from art, to horticulture to digital marketing. I dont seem a reliable long term employee if i switched my interests so often. Did back exercise second day... in a few weeks. I have to go to work again. ooooooof

Mooooore time wasted Cheated on some more tests No answer from the agency which interviewed me last Friday I will have my first exam next Friday My brother complained i don't get involved as much in his business as i should. He said he hopes i will give a fuck when i will work for someone else for longer hours. I got upset. I told him again that i don't like working there and i don't care. I really don't. Why doesn't he find someone to hire? Had some shitty clients and i didn't lift a finger. Why would i get angry and waste energy for that shit? Doesn't matter man. I want real problems to solve not those petty things. I will go tomorrow in the park to cycle or just walk depending on the weather.

Wasted lots of time last 2 days. I know better, much better. Wow, another page already?

Another day at work. I felt angry again for staying in that job i don't even like. Is really stupid. This pandemic is going on for over a year and i could have got a job sooner. I wasted my summer. What was i doing this summer anyways. I didn't do a thing this week for the 1st internship. That work seems really stupid. I feel dumb for helping them last few months. Or that i waited for them to teach me about social media management last year. I wasted so much time and learned too little. Cheated on some more tests for uni. My friend helped me. I helped him too. I am thinking i could have switched my major sooner.... right after i found out that i am interested in digital marketing, over a year ago. I was lazy... I am not sure if i will continue with horticulture. Digital marketing seems more my thing. I would rather spend my time learning about Google ads, Facebook ads, SEO and Social Media Management than about subjects related to this summer's internship. Finished some homework yesterday at midnight. Seems uni will be online next semester too. I feel stupid for studying my major. I don't see myself going all the way with it. I don't see the point. I would hate it to drop out of this one and start from zero again, you know?

I canceled my Netflix subscription today. Didn't watch a movie or tv series for a day or more. I feel i cant run from my problems anymore. I can tolerate feeling like suffocating/ drowning of guilt, helplessness and frustration. I can take it anymore feeling like this. Is horrible. I am becoming more and more bitter and just bitching about life instead of taking action. I am complacent. All that fapping and tv series overstimulated my brain to the point i couldn't do anything productive or worthwhile. It was like climbing Everest. Today, the interview was a revelation of how much i am behind in life and what i can do better. It felt bad, really bad. I need a break and need to take care of my shit.

The interview was ok. This was my 1st real f2f interview. I ran out of things to say and i a not sure i know if i am good enough for this job. They seem good at what are they doing. I like that. He said i might start this February or next week idk. Depending if he finds another person to train in the same time with me. Hope they will. Didn't say a word about the summer internship. Didn't say a word about the other interview. While waiting for the subway i had a test for uni. Got a 4. Fuck it. I didn't learn a single shit for it. I even forgot the homework i was supposed to finish and send for that class. Getting more and more annoyed with my GF. I need space now. Lots of it. This job thing is stressing the shit out of me.

Cleaned my room first time in weeks while attending an online course at uni =))))))))))) The guy who had covid from the ad agency called me this morning. Tomorrow's morning at 10:30i have an interview at their company. I have some test tomorrow but i will be at the interview. I have been watching tv series for 2 weeks i think. . I haven't done much to work on my problems and this bothers me so much and makes me feel like i am suffocating now. I feel this pressure, frustration and loss of hope. I would rather go back to watch shit rather than be productive. I had some weird dreams last night. I am upset on myself for accepting her terms during out last fight before NYE. It upsets me so much and i feel bad because of it. I cant take it much longer. I was thinking how to communicate to her i am not ok with this. Again, i don't see the point of being in this relationship. I feel manipulated. She said the reason she broke up with me for a month was exactly to make me become more driven and do more effort to get a real job. She fucking said that. All my progress is fucking manipulation. I am sick of this. Two days ago i told her i stay late each night just for her to finish her stuff and have time to speak with me. She got upset i think. But that's the truth.

Visited my grandma today

Went to buy groceries with parents. Drove for over an hour accumulated. Did back exercises last night. Got new razors for the safety razor. I shaved for 3 times with the straight razor and the safety razor. I use the safety razor for my neck and the straight razor around my moustache and beard. My sister made some comments about my gf. How i would have wished she was more like her boyfriend, etc. And some other shit. I

Wasting time on tv series and movies. Studying, reading or doing anything productive feels too much even if it would be better. Started to fap again. i couldn't control myself to stop before ejaculation. Kept going with pc exercises. Waiting atm to leave home from work. Have some shit for uni to finish and i dont want to do it. Really dont. Drove today for 35 minutes Spoke with my friend from another continent. It was fun. We didnt speak for quite some time.

It was better than the last one. I told them that i am not interested in horticulture anymore, that i only see myself in digital marketing etc. Last time i spoke to much and revelled i am undecided.They will contact me in about to weeks- the latest. The guy from the other company didn't call me yet. I don't think he will and that's ok.

I went to bed late, after class i went to sleep again. I had this dream, it was so clear and it felt so real. I don't remember the last time i experience this. I could swear is real. I was in Belgium living in a house with other international students and i liked this blonde girl. Touching her felt so real and true. My girlfriend was there too and she got upset on me. I felt guilty but i wanted to be with that girl so bad. It was so real. I have some anxiety for tomorrow's interview. I hope for the best. I want to get hired but i think i am not good enough. I imagine i wont be able to manage that job. But i want it bad. I need it to change. It would mean so much for me. Presented some project today and got a 10. Everyone got a 10 regardless of the quality. I wasted the rest of the day. Helped a girl from uni with some homework. Cooked some steak Drank some more kombucha. Didnt fap Went to work and watched some more movies.

I am currently at work for over 6 hours. Is boring. Watched some movies and finished some stuff for uni. Had some problems with a client but i didnt start arguing. I might be out of this dump in a few weeks. Cant wait to flee this shit hole. Why would i argue with clients if i dont even care of the business. I was super bored of online uni classes. I barely paid attention. Did some work yesterday for the 1st internship. Didnt want to or like it. I put some kg on since i have been eating more junk food and sweets. Prepared some material to work on a project related to the erasmus summer internship. I havent done smth in months about it. Still dont want to prepare for my exams. I havent fapped in 2-3 days. didnt want to or felt strong urges.

This time at the online interview i will say i do not have a job at the moment, i will say i don't have any horticulture aspirations, I will say i don't want to keep going with both digital marketing and horticulture and so on. Last interview i said too much about myself and i came across as undecided and unreliable for a job since i listed so many interests. I will only say i am a student ATM. Nothing more. Wont tell about the internship this summer. I hope we will study online for a few more months. What else? My GF annoyed me a lot last 2 days. I am dissatisfied with the relationship. I should have sized the opportunity and broke up before NYE. Hope i will have a similar opportunity. I wish a normal girl as my GF. She was way too many problems and why the fuck she is with me if she complains frequently? I still don't get it. I am still upset on myself for not standing up for myself last time we argued and just accepted her demands. She was like either this or we break up. And now i am frustrated because i am still upset about the fucking thing. I didn't want to break up when we argued because that previous day i had just told my family we got back together and i will spend NYE at her. Also, her parents would have got upset for canceling last minute. I will waste 6 h to see her and then come back to my city one day, in the upcoming weeks. She complained when we argued before nye that i didn't go to see her since we got back together. During today's call i told her how my day really was: some uni, some homework and just wasted the rest of the day. She didn't like hearing that since she has a type a personality but that's the truth. Very often i tell her i am more productive than i truly am so she wont get upset for wasting time. But i don't really care right now.

Hey Yesterday morning the guy from the advertising company who i was supposed to have an interview last month said he's going to call me sometime this week. Also, the company i used to visualize working for e-mailed me yesterday. They asked if i am still interested. I said yes and they gave me a test. I sent it to them this morning. They liked it and i will have an interview this Friday. lol. Totally unexpected. I emailed them on 3rd of December. In December they posted a job opening for a junior digital marketer. They had like over a 100 participants. And now they dug through emails to contact me? Interesting.

I finished those tv series. Now, i feel bad and want to watch some more even if i know there are no benefits. Two days ago i went to bed at 6am and yesterday at 4am. I am no better regardless how many hours i wasted watching that shit. Managed to stop cumming while fapping twice but not more than that. Failed day after day and got disappointed. Also, my sex drive is low now.