Everyday

Yesterday at 17 i was attending the first lecture of a permaculture i applied at uni because is interesting. My first wwofing experience in 2018 was at a place who was extremely interesting in this concept and just started out with it. I went out of the meeting room at went back to the office are where my colleagues were working. I felt so happy i am there, at the agency and don't have to go to my family business that day. I have a new set of problems now, much more fulfilling and appealing than the work i do for my family. I left at 18:00 and i was so fucking happy i go straight home afterwards. My sister, father, brother and his GF are still waiting for me to complain or to say i don't like it there. My father asked me for example if they will let me go to uni when it starts. I said yes and he was like oh, ok. Probably he thought i didn't think about it and i will return to work for my family. My brother's GF tried to downgrade my work there with questions like: so you don't actually do the creatives for clients, right? You do just easy work on your laptop, right? Is not a big company, a good one, right? Isn't your work boring? My sister asked me if i really like it there, if my work is boring and some other questions to make it all look like no achievement at all for being hired. And some other stuff i dont remember

Finally, it's March and i re-started discussion with the Erasmus office from my university. I have to fill some paper.

Got the papers i need. wow. so fast. Now, i am waiting for the recommendation letter and i am done Went with my friend from uni to walk yesterday for 3 hours. We drank two beers each. I didn't want to get shit faced. She came over again at slept at my place. We left together in the morning. She went home and i went to work. At the agency i asked them if we are staying regular work hours today and if not when do we start ? They said full schedule from today. I was so happy =))))))))) I texted my father i have to work until 18 so cant make it to work. I was so happy i wont go there during the week from now on eheheheh. One of the girls is waiting to leave her current job so she wont join right now. The other one had some stuff to do so she left. Our trainer said we will continue tomorrow so i was done around 15. Stayed some more there and looked over clients' accounts. I went to eat junk food afterwards. Went walking too and still arrived home before the time i was supposed to go to my parent's business but i didn't go. Slept instead and i was so happy i didnt have to stay there anymore. My sister was like why dont you go there if you are home on time? I said why dont you go to do my shift? I was so happy i dont have to put up with stupid clients. My father returned very angry because some clients did some shit again. Nothing new. Told him i will come to work this weekend. He didn't say anything. Good. I feel some envy from my siblings, especially my sister. I might be wrong. She said so you got hired, ha? Do you like what you do there? She said working in google and facebook ads sounds boring to me. My brother is like sorry for you have to work longer now? Is hard right? Your bosses are horrible right? I ate dinner with my brother, his girlfriend and my sister. They asked me again why i don't see with my GF more often, especially now that she's here and asked why she works so hard so early. Not sure if i will see her this week. Her father told her she isn't here to see me but to study more =)))))) They told me how much money i receive per month. Sounds too much, i think i got the wrong sum. But if is true is awesome. Didn't ask if the salary he mentioned is after tax and stuff or before.

i am going soon at work until noon. I started last night before she came over to read ppt from labs and courses. I didn't pay much attention to them last week because i was at work or had smth else to do. Going to continue this at work.

I am at work now. I hate this place, this work and this stupid clients. My GF is coming tonight at my house till next day. She is still arguing with her mom for not getting perfect grades. Her mom is also upset for staying with her father for a few weeks right now in my city. Things aren't all great with her father either. I am excited to start work on Monday but not for university. Wrote and scheduled two emails for Erasmus. One of them to take same paper and the other for the recommendation letter. I changed a few words from the one i used last year and left blank were the professor to compete it like i did last year.

Went to the hairdresser today. Really nice lady. I asked her why i keep cutting myself while shaving with the straight razor even if i am careful, i use shaving cream and good razor blades. She said maybe is the trimmer to blame. I thought more about it and my trimmer doesn't cut very close to the skin resulting in hairs too thick to cut with the razor. She's using this one https://www.amazon.de/-/en/Electric-Outliner-Cordless-Professional-Detailer/dp/B08FLM4GL1/ref=sr_1_41?dchild=1&keywords=trimmer+GRITSY&qid=1614355401&sr=8-41. She recommended it to me and i ordered it online today. Bought a gift for my brother because he turns 24 next week. He is away with his GF this weekend so i work his shifts. It sucks.

I updated the last two posts. I will start preparing my papers for Erasmus. No classes today. Nothing much to do today. Just cleaning my room, doing the laundry and so on. My father is going to drive tomorrow but i cant go because i have to stay at work since my brother is away with his gf during the weekend.

On Wednesday, I called her after i left the agency and she said she's in the city to make me a surprise. I didn't expect this. She will stay here for 2 weeks. She is still grounded but she is staying at her father's in my city. We saw each other on Wed and Thursday. And some more time this weekend but not tonight because she has to study. Went swimming again today. I have problems with the right ear now Attended some more crap online classes at university. I met with one of the guys from the 1st internship/start-up and gave him the keys back. Spoke some time. Is all right. He said is ok, everyone goes on his own way in life. I feel good about my choice. I didnt feel i am growing much with them. Is the time to take care of my career ad future. The other owner's GF took my sales duties and she's doing a great job. They are thinking to give her some portion of the start up shares. I am happy they found someone to like that job and who likes to do it. Is not for me.

As i felt, they are going to hire all three. On Monday we are going to speak about money and a contract. I was anxious when i spoke with him. He said they want people for long-term 2-4 years. I told him i want to do an Erasmus internship in Belgium/ The Netherlands this summer. I didn't say i already found a company last year. He thanked me and said he will put my contract on pause for a few months and then i can come back to continue to work. I felt i have to tell him the truth because they treated me well. He said he cant send me to work abroad at other agencies he knows. Interesting. It would be really cool.

One of the agency owners is going to speak with each of us after our trainer is done with us. Not sure how the discussion will go like. He is going to show us how to make other google campaigns and finally some FB ads lectures. This will last 2 more days next week. So many problems for my family today. It was unreal. With business and other stuff. We have problems with the family business. Really heated discussions... Lots of tension. Some shitty client today. I was there for over 6 hours after the internship work. I reminded is a shitty job and to let go. I didn't start arguing with that guy but i regret now. It doesn't matter i don't like it there. Just stupid problems. I laughed so much with my friend from university listening to online classes and our fucked up colleagues. Is like everyday is a show. =)))))))))))))) I was not believing what im hearing =)))

The labs and lectures were ridiculous. One of the professors spoke so much shit it was like watching some tv show. It was unreal. My colleagues too. Man i was laughing alone in the subway and on the street =)))))))) I had to leave the meeting because the internship was starting. Lol. Not sure what is going to happen tomorrow on the last day of this internship.

=)))))))))) SO we all got it wrong .... we have labs and lectures but all online. Then in 2 months we actually go to uni and do the same stuff but 100% physical. That if they wont close everything after some professors and students get infected.

Drove 200km on Saturday and 168km today. I drove with maximum 100km yesterday and today with 100-110km and even 120km(even if i should not yet). I didn't have any accident even if i felt like i will, especially on Saturday. I was worried and shaking while driving in some situation i thought i can do it right and i will fail. Man it was horrible when it happened. That was the longest i ever drove. Mt brother said that i must have around 600-700km done so far only in the city exception this weekend and when I drove 150+ km last week on Saturday. Went to work for my parents both days for 4 hours each. Yesterday, i went walking with my friend from uni for a few hours after work at night. We walked 22,314 steps. I am very tired and my back hurts like shit. I start uni tomorrow. Apparently i will have to go physically for labs and then come home and attend lectures online =)))))) shit. Labs are from Monday to Thursday in the morning. I wont go this week but i am not sure how to pull this shit to pass.

oh man i missed swimming soo much It was so awesome, relaxing and exciting My father told me he would like me to not search for another job if these guys are not hiring me next week. =))))))))))))) He said i should make a sacrifice and work his shifts at the family business in the upcoming months while he will be busy with some stuff =)))))))))) Told him straight away i will search for another job asap and that he knows for months i wanted a job in this field. He said if i don't help him i wont get money to live to BE =))))))) Told him i am already saving up money

I am excited to go swimming tomorrow morning. I went to take a walk after work. Walked for one hour and a half. I needed that. Had too much energy and i couldn't focus on doing productive stuff. I should have done this days ago. It was funny that i run into my siblings on the way home, They were going to the subway. My sis to her BF and my brother to his GF. I thought i need to do smth harder than just to take a walk to relax my mind. My restlessness is almost gone entirely. Also, a guy from 1st year enrolled today. I thought more about Erasmus for this summer. I think i will go to BE to do that internship after all. I will be a dick for working at this ad agency just for a few months but i have limited Erasmus opportunities to take advantage of. There are countless of ad agencies out there.

A family friend of her parents died yesterday. Man, more shit keeps coming =))))))))) I didn't go after all because my grandma is more and more senile and has some health issues. My parents were afraid she might stress too match have a heart attack =)))))))) if i drive and make mistakes. They also don't want any more crap from her and didn't want her to get upset or smth. I found it very funny =))) I will drive this weekend instead. Finally, instead of postponing tasks and pushing them for later i revised my motivational notes, plans, to do lists and so on. Did some stuff from the list and i feel so much better now.

Besides me, three girls from 1st year horticulture signed up for Erasmus. Interesting. Last year i was the only one. Going to drive tomorrow as well longer to the mountains on the highway I feel restless. Don't have the patience to watch a movie nor to study or do smth productive. I also feel guilty for not doing mach. I like the work from the internship but i lack the motivation to study more on my own. That's a problem. I have been waiting for a new SCOBY to form for almost a month. I have one now but is very thin. I knew smth is going well but i was too resistant to just read an article for a few minutes. I didn't add any ''food'' for the SCOBY to form and i moved the glass and now another new thin one is forming on top of the last one. See: https://brodandtaylor.com/blogs/recipes/kombucha-scoby#:~:text=1.,danger of damaging the culture. I made a cup of green tea with brown sugar to speed the process but by doing this i moved the newly formed SCOBY and now another one is forming :(. I should have used black tea. I should have chosen a warmer place and some cloth on the jar. I could have solved this shit if i just google it! I feel bad not helping at all at the 1st internship but also happy dont have to. I didn't like at all what i was doing there, especially the sales part. One of the co-founders girlfriend took my position and i am happy for her. Hope she likes it more than i did. I feel guilty but happy for myself. I realised i dont like this start-up thing, not having someone top notch to learn from. It feels like we are getting together to make an idea work but none of us are actually having any idea what we are doing. I dont like this. I really enjoy this digital marketing internship at the moment. I find the whole thing so interesting. I like the idea of working there. I want that. I like that i will go to work to do smth that i like and even get paid. I like that i will work in google ads and facebook ads. I am learning so much :). I feel stupid for doing those internships before to learn about social media management. I didn't learn much. I wanted someone with experience to guide me. Not someone who's is also not sure what he's doing. I hate this fucking family business job so much. I know i am helping them but is so stupid and feels like utter crap compared with this internship. I thought of keeping working here if i don't get hired or to work here during weekends but i think i will quit altogether. I have this option. I always had it. Or i will save more money and then quit. I started saving money for the first weeks if i leave in summer to Belgium. I worry how i will manage university classes and labs if i get hired at the ad agency.

Surprisingly, he agreed. The other professor, from whom a recommendation letter would have been better said she cant do it because she is responsible for Erasmus for another faculty. No one else from my year got enrolled so far. Just some guy asked on the big wapp group if anyone wants to join Erasmus so he wont be alone. I am still not sure if i will go this year or not. I would like to not disappoint the ppl from the ad agency. Maybe i will tell her im going to leave in summer. Didnt make a choice yet. At the end of next week they'll make a choice. I think i will get hired but i still have doubts. Prior to this internship i was thinking i wont even get that far. Wow.

Man you have more hope and faith then i have in myself. I know i will suffer more but it feels i cant get into this now. Sorry for wasting your time with me now and a few months ago when you encouraged me to move on. Sorry man

@RendHeaven I know and you are right but to be honest i feel i can't do it right now. Thanks

@RendHeaven What do you mean?

Friday night her parents got very angry on her for not taking better grades this semester. She is grounded now and cried for hours. Her parents wont let her see me or let her out of the house for a 3 weeks. Is not a good moment to break up with her for sure. Felt bad for wanting to break up in this situation. She has no fault and i feel bad for doing this to her. I guess her parents also criticised her for being with me, an unmotivated guy who is not a good influence. Every month that is passing by is gets harder to break up. Is smth i have to do for both of us. I thought of telling her after a lot of thinking i thought i will go to NL forever after college but she will feel hurt she has been lied to all along. I am in a shitty situation and i don't know how to get out. I put myself in this shit spot. Update: I think i will tell her the reasons prepared already on the phone after all, in a few weeks or I will go to talk with her this in person after her parents calm down. Yeah.... i need to be patient. Today she had an interview and one of the guys asked her during the interview if she has a boyfriend. This happened to the last place she worked as well. I said nothing and then made some joke so she wont see i am insecure. It does bother me but because i am insecure in my qualities and self worth. But these things happen and is normal. I cant stop it. I just have to accept it. I trust her but i am still insecure. Maybe more what people would say about me if she would cheat- hahahhaha he got cheated so stupid ahahah. Idk. But this would give me a valid reason to end the relationship. She said she didn't like this Law firm because the work isn't as difficult as the work she did for the Law firm she worked for last year but she doesn't have other options. Oh i didn't mention she used to work for some time at the end of last year for a neighbour's company. Her mom wanted them together badly. She went out with him but didn't feel any connection. He still likes her and now he has a GF he doesn't like. She said she stopped working for him because she had to study for exams and didn't want to give him false hope. She said he doesn't even like his GF and he would dump her if my GF changed her mind. When she told me all of this i was like .... they dated; didn't work out; now she works for him and all is good what? I didn't say a thing about it. I knew she would go crazy if i intervene with her career. Every time i see her going bonkers and starting to scream on her family or someone else i think.. shit... she's just like my father..... wtf is in my head? I have this uneasy feeling and feels horrible. She only now told me one of the subjects she was criticised by her parents last Friday was that she wasted time with me instead of studying for exams. Is true. She actually wasted her time with me. Is so true. We both are wasting our time. My siblings are still looking down on my choice to be with her. They don't understand how i accept a long distance relationship and to only see her from time to time. I am ashamed to break up with her now to be honest. I would seem like a huge asshole which i am. I was just too desperate that a girl likes me finally.... and that no other girl will like me anytime soon so i should be grateful with her and shut up. This thinking is toxic.

They said they'll choose only two of to hire. I have a feeling they will hire all three. Is nothing sure just a feeling. We had to choose a segment from a site which is selling a bunch of stuff, some type of amazon but way smaller. That site is a client for the ad agency i am doing the internship. I choose fans, one girl chose speakers and the other one humidifiers. We did 5 ad groups for our segment with 5 headlines (headline 1, headline 2 and 3) and two descriptions. Then we chose our best three ad groups and set keywords, headlines and descriptions. Tomorrow we are going to set negative keywords for our ad groups and maybe some sitelinks. I am going to swim this Friday at 11 My siblings and their S.O. went skiing until Wed.

Drove a lot. It was very stressful but also a little easier. It was first time driving on the highway. Met with my friend. We started drinking and i stayed at his place overnight. Had a blackout. I woke up and felt bad and disappointed of myself even if i didn't have headaches. Had a dream that i am cheating on my GF with a girl from uni. It felt so real. I meant to tell her i cant speak on the phone last night because i am staying at this guy but forgot. When i woke up 1st time i was so scared she is going to be upset for not calling her. I was really afraid of another outbursts like i am of my father's. But i could have used that to escalate into a break up i guess. Friday night her parents got very angry on her for not taking better grades this semester. She is grounded now and cried for hours. Her parents wont let her see me or let her out of the house for a 3 weeks. Is not a good moment to break up with her for sure. Felt bad for wanting to break up in this situation. She has no fault and i feel bad for doing this to her. I guess her parents also criticised her for being with me, an unmotivated guy who is not a good influence. Every month that is passing by is gets harder to break up. Is smth i have to do for both of us. I thought of telling her after a lot of thinking i thought i will go to NL forever after college but she will feel hurt she has been lied to all along. I am in a shitty situation and i dont know how to get out. I put myself in this shit spot. Update: I think i will tell her the reasons prepared already on the phone after all, in a few weeks or I will go to talk with her this in person after her parents calm down. Cooked Thursday and Friday for myself. Ate more junk food. I felt i cant stop. I feel too overstimulated to do anything productive. I am excited i will go to the internship tomorrow. I really hope i will get hired. I am not sure what to do about this summer's internship... I can never do another Erasmus thing but i can always find a digital marketing job.