Everyday

Hey I was productive. I'm cooking wiht my family. My father calmed down. I used herbs from my garden. Last year I was so oooo resistant to do that. I regret now. Im going to save some food for tomorrow at work. Delicious. I gave my mom a small part of my salary a few days ago. I plan to do this monthly. It made her very happy. She buys personal deveolpment stuff on her own wiht them. I am not into her style of personal development but it makes her happy. The only money my mom receives are from my father and is very little. Each time she asks for more he yells. I remembered that when I was with my ex i thought I am wasting my time most of the time. I could have worked on myself instead. Yet, I wanted her back and I would have kept this weird dynamic going on. I Hated that I am not using all that time on myself instead. What a paradox! But also wanted more time with her. Ahhaahhahaahahahhahahaha Did half of the project for 2nd internship. Growing new stuff again. I have felt guilt for 7 months plus, since I have done last experiment. God it feels so good now. My Brian is thinking now how it can help me to Live better. For example just had the idea to drink kombucha at dinner instead of some sugary juice. Yay. I am tempted to drink soda and shit. But I will not. I won't be eat desert after dinner so all foods will be properly used. Also, I made a salad using plants from my own garden. I feel so excited. I have so many ideas how to improve my life.

Hey Woke up before my alarm. Had a wet dream and didn't even noticed. I had some moderate urges. I listened to some book reviews and driften on and off sleep. Then I read in bed for more than one hour about paleo diet. I'm at page 112. Lots of insights and regret I didn't do this sooner. I mean, so much knx in just a little over one hour? Are you kiding me? Also, I learned that watching TV series and eating sweets before bed disrupts good sleep. Eating lots of grains and sweets isn't good. They produce lots of insulin which makes you hungry again and flush all nutrients from your blood stream. What's the point of eating lots of vegetables if you wash them down with sugar? I cut some mint from my garden and prepared a lemonade. Delicious. Wanted to do this for such a long time. Last year I said all summer I don't have time for that. I living the life I wanted to for such a long time. Feel bad for not doing it sooner. I should have. Is amazing to finally do even a part of all those stuff I said I will do one day like reading and exercising. It's great.

Learn Them, Know Them, Live Them! Law #1: Eat Lots of Plants and Animals. Enjoy the natural, satisfying foods that fuelled two million years of human evolution. Law #2: Avoid Poisonous Things. Avoid processed foods (sugars, grains, and chemically altered fats) that are foreign to our genes and make us fat and sick. Law #3: Move Frequently at a Slow Pace. Enhance fat metabolism and avoid burnout by keeping active but taking it easy. Law #4: Lift Heavy Things. Short, intense sessions of functional, full-body movements support muscle development and delay aging. Law #5: Sprint Once in a While. Occasional all-out sprints trigger optimal gene expression and beneficial hormone flow. Law #6: Get Adequate Sleep. Avoid excessive digital stimulation and sync with your natural circadian rhythm for optimal immune, brain, and endocrine function. Law #7: Play. Balance the stress of modern life with some unstructured, physical fun! Law #8: Get Adequate Sunlight. Don’t fear the sun! Adequate sun exposure helps synthesise vitamin D to ensure healthy cellular function. Law #9: Avoid Stupid Mistakes. Cultivate hyper-vigilance and risk management to avoid the stupid mistakes that bring “avoidable suffering” to modern humans. Law #10: Use Your Brain. Engage in creative and stimulating activities to nurture your mental health and overall well-being.

I broke smth at the gearbox. I changed the speeds too fast/ abrupt or smth. Fuck. I will pay half the reparations costs. Going to the 9th of June at the recovery clinic. I will last 2 weeks. Woke up tired. I pushed myself to go to the doctor and at work. It was really hard to sit through all the negatives thoughts i had about myself. I just wanted to do more right there and right then. I have lots of energy. I want to do stuff. I felt very disappointed of myself for not growing faster. I decided to go to a trial lesson of BJJ next Monday. Decided to do yoga too, but in summer. After exams i guess, July smth? If I am not ordering food at work for 2 days i can go to swim once for the same amount of money! Lol! I made public my age and university on facebook. I am still ashamed i failed 1st uni so i decided to not have my real age on facebook so my new colleagues will never find out that i am 2 yrs older than them. I have kept this hidden long enough and i thin k no body cares. I left it there now. No body cares what my university is or my age. Skipped uni. I will have to re-do that lab I am at the level of productivity i was last year in those 2 months. It feels good but in the same time i want more. I want to be better. I have back pain now. Did my exercises, crunches, meditation and studied for one hour. Still, have enough time to do other stuff. I feel this burn inside to do more stuff, but in the same time i am anxious if i can do stuff constantly and not quit. It is becoming harder to sit at home alone and not go somewhere for the day. I have too much time on my hands and i tend to freeze and doubt myself. My father is yelling and being angry as usual. Cant wait to not hear him for at least a few days a week. I feel better each time i do my back exercises, crunches and meditation. Is my structure which tells me i am doing all right. Keep going. I'm at day 8 with meditation and crunches. Day28 of nofap. I am tempted to fap but not for the need of it. Maybe because i want to feel bad and wait again for some day to feel good all the time to do this work.

Hey Woke up and felt tired. I thought i cant push through but i can. Push yourself! I cant believe i drove 2h alone yesterday. When i drove alone last time it was not more then 30 min.

Hey I drove alone for two hours. I am proud of myself but afraid i will give up. Anyway, i forced myself a lot and i am alright. I remembered how important is to address my problems directly. To fix my driving i need to drive. That's all. I need to take action specifically to fix that. If i stay at home and meditated, eat well, exercise wont make me feel like i am solving driving. Yes, those stuff are good but they dont solve the problem. Is stupid to complain that i am not driving better and i dont feel alright about myself if i am not driving at all. When i arrived home my parents where arguing over some stupid thing and he was complaining about us. I will keep driving and i am glad i am moving out. Im at page 64 of Primal Blueprint. While i was reading a few hours ago i almost felt like crying for not starting this book sooner. I new about it for years but kept saying i will do it another time. Yeah.... now each time i hear ppl talk about diet and eating healthy i think i have some really good books on this topic and all i do is to complain and avoid reading them. I wanted to give up a few times today and watch tv series. I felt that i am not good enough. I need to keep going regardless of these toxic thoughts. Day 27 of nofap. Less urges today. I cant believe i am going to hit a month. Wtf?

Hey It was ok with driving. Wished i went alone a few hours prior. The walk just made me think of all the things i haven't done with my life so far. I am very disappointed of myself. I could have done more. Years wasted... Just in time. Is raining again now. I did that. I am feeling i am not understanding it fast enough. I keep complaining and thinking to quit. I wished i have kept studying. I wish i had more endurance and motivation. I am still studying but i am not enjoying at the moment.

Hey Kept feeling sad and disappointed of myself. Going to drive a little then to walk a little. I will feel better afterwards. Did a little bit of gardening. I will study at another subject now.

Hey Lots of urges last night. Finished season 2 from Who killed Sara? It made me feel lots of urges and at the end disappointed of myself. It was even harder to fall asleep. Felt even more urges seeing hot girls in those episodes. I was tempted to fap to feel worse. Woke up feeling drained and lazy. I didn't want to jump out of my bed to meditate, do crunches and exercises for my back. I wanted to keep feeling bad until i will feel like changing my life again. I released that's how i felt maybe each time i was speaking to my gf or hanging out. I felt i am not doing what i am supposed to do with my time. I would end up being lazy and drained. I would want more time with her like i wanted tv series to keep feeling so bad until i will change smth. I remembered i used to feel like this all the time and i hated it. I hated it. I would think of some day i will be productive again. That they will never come. All i have is being productive or not in the present moment. I realised having a gf, even if will all those problems it was a way for me to cope with my past. I wanted one for yeeeeeears and when a girl wanted me i went nuts. Maybe it wasn't love but me making up for my past traumas and failures. I observed that in my mind having a gf means i am worthy for the outer world and as well for the inner. So bullshit. I was not doing ok when i was with her. I meditated twice and did everything else. I am planning to study now. I will go driving and some gardening. I started reading paleo diet last night. I got upset not doing it sooner. Horrible feelings. My siblings made fun of me again for moving out. Cant wait bro. I told them they will understand how is like to live alone when they will move out. They didn't like to hear that. But I am still not sure if i will move to the other house afterwards or not. I will go to the doctor this Monday. I want to go to do Kinesiotherapy and other treatments for 2 weeks as well. I have two weeks of practice at uni in summer. There is an opportunity to work at some place for a week and then be done with it. But it would mean to skip work entirely. I don't want that. better to go to uni for 2 weeks but still get to work. I don't want to waste my vacation days for that shit.

Hey I prepared some kombucha with mint from my garden and strawberries from the store. It was raining heavily so did just a little of gardening. Cleaned my room. Prepared some lab lecture for studying. Felt really bad again for comparing with my ex success. I wanted to give up today. I pushed myself. I am proud of myself. I remembered about Driven and did it anyways. I am reading Primal Blueprint. I wanted to do this for years. Anyways, i'm doing it now. I think i will watch a tv series now. I am not sure if i should move out to that house with 10 ppl or not. It feels too expensive and the Erasmus students are going to leave during summer anyways. Better to move in October. I don't know what to do. I think i should stay for longer with the ppl from the 1st internship. I am not sure. We will see how this month will be like living with them. I want to buy some stuff and my money would go on rent in the second place. Hmmm.

Hey Driving with bro was ok. I am getting better. I drove 90 min. Added some more flashcards for that test. I have 20 more and then i am done. What else? Gardening afterwards, Kombucha if i have enough tea left =))) Maybe going to drive alone tonight?

Hey Swimming was nice. I had my mind a lot more clear than last week. I realised i am getting frustrated cuz i haven't already been meditating for 5 years. But i was reading this notes from a book called Driven and realised i need time to get there. Also, that there is no place to arrive to. IT IS JUST ME TRYING TO BE BETTER EACH DAY. No finish line. No i arrived where i wanted to be blah blah. I am contemplating this . I finished the 1st volume and had nothing to read on my way back so i chose a book from optimize.me. I am preparing some anki flashcards for a test. I feel is taking forever and i should be doing smth more productive.

Hey I remembered that i am working at a really cool marketing agency and i liked what i do. I forgot what a big problem it was working for my parents. I was miserable. I am financially independent of my family now. This means a lot. I was so anxious i wont ever get hired a few months ago - and here i am :). I am really excited of my life right now, even if i still have stuff i need to fix. But working for my problem used to be my biggest problem. Now is gone. Gone!!!!!!

I am close to finish the 1st volume. I asked my colleagues from work for more work cuz i had nothing left to do. Kept pushing myself. I am very proud of myself Got distracted and upset thinking of my ex but is ok. I will block those thoughts, next time. Drove with bro again. It was better. Right before i thought of my ex and felt bad. I said to myself - is just a skill. Go! Drive! Arrived home and did some chores. I feel a little tired but i can push myself. I remembered how proud i am for being productive. I havent felt this good with myself since November. Day 25 of no fap. Day 5 i think of meditation and 100 crunches a day. I feel good. Haven't felt so proud in a long time. It was not a perfect day but it was better. Going to swim tomorrow morning. I am excited. Drive at night. It is stressful but i want this skill. Just practice bro. The rest of the day i will do some stuff that bothered me all week, some gardening, studying, etc.

This page started with a real good vibe unlike the last ones =))))))) Cheers and wish you all a great night.

Hey Drove 30 km with my bro. Tried to remind myself is just a skill. It would make a huge difference if i have this skill. I decided to spend more and more time driving. Why bother going to bjj, reading books all weekend, meditating and so on when i am not dealing with this huge problem???????????? (of course i am going to do those things but i am making a point here). Last weekend i got frustrated i went swimming and still feel i am not doing anything with my life. I didn't understand why. But then i realised swimming is nice. But is not like driving, is not a problem i am solving. Swimming wont make me feel better for not driving. Sometimes the biggest problems are right in our faces and we avoid dealing with them. This problem is so in my face i cant see it! I thought what can i do to improve my life. I thought i will have to read book and so on all weekend and hope change will come one day. But i have right here a thing that needs to be fixed. Spending my time driving will bring me more progress than doing anything else instead for growth. I think i will go tomorrow alone and i want to drive for a few hours this weekend. I wont go anywhere if i drive just a little bit. I need to push and push myself over and over. I passed the test at uni with a 5. I should have studied more. But is ok after months of not studying at all. It was alright at work. Had fun conversations. Got a little behind with my work but is alright now. I feel excited to go to sleep. It was quite a day. I am listening to the song below on repeat now. I am relaxing after a long day. Why wouldn't i? Why force myself to read a book or be even more productive. Is just music. In moderation is alright for now

Hey One hour passed since my last entry. I was in bed trying to make me study for that test. I thought why not watch so tv series? Just a lil bit. My thought drifted and i thought i am not doing enough with my life. I thought coming home, studying a little for uni, reading some books, maybe driving, medi, back exercises - what time do i have left to do other stuff ???? I feel down again. I should achieve more.... I am comparing myself with my ex. I am not sure what i want to do with my time right now. I am complaining again. I thought i am bothered that i am not reading for work after my programme as well. But i don't have time, right? What about the other things i want to achieve? I have to wait until x time to do them, right? I am getting lost in my own BS again.

Hey My parents are arguing as i am writing this =))) I did not have a day as good as yesterday. I kept going regardless but slower. I thought of her again but realised i wanted her to distract myself from feeling so bad about my life. Also, because i am afraid of finding another girl. I see this fear as very real and a huge problem in my life. I feel happy i dont have to tolerate my ex. So much of that relationship felt like a huge sacrifice. It was really hard. Last time when we saw each together f2f it felt like an effort just to listen to her. But i do miss the touching, sex and affection. I am worried like shit i wont find another girl to like me. I remember how scared i was just to ask my ex out. I waited for months. When we started dating i wanted to break up cuz i was so afraid. I miss the idea of having gf. I miss feeling i can say i have a gf and going to her. It felt like i missed out on these experiences when i was younger. There is a part of me who is still longing for that. I remembered i wanted for years to start eating paleo but each time i said i have more important things to study first. I remembered my gf used to have a diet last year and as well now. I was so envious on her and so upset on myself not doing anything. I was very lazy. Kept waiting to feel like it. Here i am years later and still didn't start Felt bad today and wanted to eat junk food again to cope. But i said the problem will still be there. Why would i do that? I thought that if i do it i will fel bad and i don't want to feel bad. So, don't eat that. So simple. I forgot that. It was not a good day but things will get better step by step. I have a test tomorrow at uni. I didn't prepare very well. Find countability difficult. Started studying on Sunday. Last week i said i have to solve things with my ex and then i will study. So stupid. They have nothing to do with each other. I need to separate my life areas. Just because i worry about a girl doesn't mean i should suck at work and neglect my life. Is really stupid. When i was meditating earlier i thought again that no matter what it happens around me i am alone and i have to deal with my problems accordingly. Made me sad to think i tried so hard to run from my problems by being with my ex and here i am with all of them unchanged. Is sad. I felt stupid that i was thinking of my ex at work and got distracted. There is time for that too, Why waste time now? Fapping urges are very low. Day 23 I started having doubts about moving alone. I feel comfortable here, i find in normal to hear my parents argue all the time and so on. But it will be good for me. We will see how things will develop. I am excited to take care of myself like i did in NL.

Hey Took a shower. I looked back at what i did today and smiled. I am getting better. Is not all nice and pretty but i am going into the right direction. I remembered about the fact that my siblings and both their S.O. made fun of me for moving out. They must be envious. Next time i will respond back instead of saying nothing. They don't know how is like to live alone cuz they never experienced it.

Hey Compared myself a lot with my ex. Felt really bed. I remembered driving is one of my biggest obstacles right now. I avoided even thinking of it. I was thinking what else should i do with my time besides work and study. Went driving with brother for less than 20m. I was shit scared. Afterwards i compared myself with her and cried... I felt so down... I meditated. Felt better. Thought of my ex and felt bad thinking i wont have a new gf for a long time. Started studying for uni. Remembered to stop complaining and do the work regardless of each shit that happens in my life. Just shut up and move on. It was better at work. Harder to focus but i am proud of myself. Kept reading in the subway. I am reading the books from a tv series i watched on netflix a while ago: https://www.google.com/search?q=shadow+and+bone+books&client=opera&hs=w7K&ei=8UatYNZjvoH27w-G3JOQCw&oq=shadow+and+bone+books&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAMyBQguEJMCMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyBAgAEAoyAggAMgIIADICCAA6BwgAEEcQsAM6BggAEAcQHjoHCC4QDRCTAjoECAAQDVCmI1jNJWCWKGgBcAJ4AIABjgGIAdUDkgEDNC4xmAEAoAEBqgEHZ3dzLXdpesgBCMABAQ&sclient=gws-wiz&ved=0ahUKEwiWoOz9v-XwAhW-gP0HHQbuBLIQ4dUDCA0&uact=5 Ate my own food prepared this morning. I feel very guilty buying food all the time at work. Is such a waste of money. Of course, once in a while is ok. Had some fun conversations at work with my colleagues. One of the ppc girls is asking me each morning how am i and what am i doing. Really wanting to know. I like being asked this and having a chat. I did 100 crunches like yesterday. I plan to do it daily for 1 month. I have been complaining for gaining weight for months but didn't take action. Second day of 20 min meditation. Same for meditation. I meditated on and off last few weeks. Felt worried about money for when i will move. The second house is really expensive. I will have a tight budget. My family asked me when i will move. Said starting on the 3rd because on the second that girl leaves. They made fun of me i will clean after her or smth. They are not supportive. BTW, is easier to fall asleep now. I dont feel guilty for wasting the whole day and i dont watch tv series late at night to cope. I just put some optimized.org masterclass on and fall asleep like this. In fucking minutes. Last night while i was preparing to sleep i listened to some songs i liked. Some slow thai. I used to waste time listening to them while i was browsing on YT. But i like them. I dont have to live like a monk. I am listening to a lil bit of a nice album atm. I like it. There is no harm if is just for a few minutes.

Hey A few hours after i met with my ex on Saturday i went to an event organised by the ppl living in that big house. Spoke with french guys, a British dude and some girls form my country. It was such a change of scenery and vibe, coming from that discussion i had with my ex same day. All of them where older than me. I blended in so easily. It was so easy to talk with them. More open. Sunday was a difficult day. I was extremely productive. I realised a lot of stuff. I felt much better. It is very hard to accept i wasted lots of time and that i postponed a lot of my goals. I ignored them by using my ex as a distraction. If i got a gf right after that break up i would have still be miserable deep down. I want a relationship for sex and to fix my mood. I want to run from all the stuff i feel i should have done ages ago. So thinking that i need a gf asap, besides some good reasons it has lots of neediness to run from my problems and avoid the work that needs to be done. I cancelled my Netflix subscription. I unsubscribed from the channels i used to watch movie reviews. I went to sleep listening to optimized.org. I studied for an upcoming test at uni. I haven't done that in months. Felt so resistant. I was proud of myself. Wanted to quit a few times. Today - I am in the same state of motivation and inspiration i was last year when we broke up. It feels amazing. I realised lots of shit about that relationship. Is harder to work on myself than to be with her. When i was with her it was so hard to work on myself and it was frustrating be with her too. Two negatives. Now i have one. At work i observed how nonsense comparisons i make between me and my ex. Much of my reasoning is crap. I saw how i get triggered by some thought and derail into complaining and self pity. I arrived from work and had the best meditation in years. Did exercises for my back. I did 100 crunches - i got a fat belly from some months since i used to go to junk food for a month before i got hired. Is not huge but it makes me feel very insecure. I cant believe i havent done that sooner. I felt so excited i am finally taking care of it. Is like when i was with her i was sabotaging myself on purpose to hit rock bottom and work on myself more. I couldn't maintain this drive when i was with her. I feel so amazing. I have energy again. Day 21 of no fap. Dont feel like watching porn or fapping. Not disturbed by seeing girls on my way to work. Met with the guy from 2nd internship. He gave me some stuff to grow. We haven't met since oct/november last year when i was not together with my gf. Told him i liked my job very much. I think i work there for 2 or 3 months. Told him that i am going to move from home next week with the couple from 1st internship and then i will move in that big house with those foreigners. He said i am awesome and he wishes he did what i am doing at my age. He said some ppl would think twice before moving out and so on. He said when he was my age all he cared was to drink and party. He regrets not doing what i am doing now. I am amazed he is proud of me while i think i haven't done much with my life. lol. I am too harsh with myself. Talking to him made me ashamed how entangled i got with my ex and that relationship. I knew nothing more than being with her. I was building up frustration from the relationship itself and not working on myself much. I felt very bad and sometimes i didnt know it. Talking to him made me remember the person i want to become. It felt good. It felt stupid to give so much thought to my ex, taking into consideration i want to learn so many stuff. I thought what i can do this summer with my free time. I am excited. I feel so much better since Saturday. I needed to hear is over, even if i would have been with her some more time. I wanted to hear is over since i couldn't do it. I wanted to know there is no way back, no way for me to be with her for practice. I am not sure what was all about with my ex - some 1st relationship attachment, some desperation, some pleasure and so on. It was an experience. I feel better now. I feel better in 2 days than i felt after 5 weeks since i broke up with her. Messaging her weekly didnt allow me to move on. If i didn't meet with her i would have spent even more months feeling like crap. I don't remember what i wanted to say. I questioned more why i felt so bad when she didn't want me back. I think besides hormones and the stuff i liked about that relationship is that it made me distracted from facing my problems - months of feeling frustrated for not working on myself. The pain to face it is and was too big. Is harder to work on myself than to be with her. But no relationship can meditate for me and so on. I have to do it myself. I am too hard on myself sometimes. I asked myself what i like to do. I do like tv series even if i go overboard. I will watch Loki this summer and maybe other tv series i like. Once a week or a movie once in a while is ok. A beer once in a while is ok. Using facebook to check some events is alright. I need to not use them too much. I don't need to feel guilty about this work either. I remembered it felt too much sometimes to be so strict to myself. I need to just indulge myself from time to time.

Hey She didn't want to get back together. She said out relationship was more emotional than intellectual. That we loved the emotional part, being together and affection but didn't have anything to talk about. That is true. Today she kept speaking about her work, some other problems and i felt bored like usually. It was all the time like that. I was pretending so much just to be with her, just to have a gf. It was not normal to feel so bad being with someone. I felt like a huge freak and looser for saying is but bla bla we cant work things out even if i knew she is right. I felt like a joke. Instead of moving on i cling on my ex. Even if i knew being with her will mean sooo much sacrifice. She said that is not normal. That doing things for each other should not feel like sacrifice and a pain in the ass. She is right. Most of the things i did for her was sacrifice. When she said no i was thinking i have to get back to my life and hated the idea. The point was to avoid dealing with my problems. To go back to drinking, being lazy, tv series and feeling sad? Being with her sounded more appealing than dealing with my problems. Is my life that bad that i want to entertain myself by being with my ex which i still dont like truly? I felt ashamed she realised i wanted back with her just short term. I asked if she found someone else. She said yes. Two days after we broke up her friends brought her to a party. She met a guy. They are now together. She said things are going great and she was smiling speaking about him. They are both focusing on their careers. They resonate better with each other than it was in our relationship. I am happy she found someone so fast even if i am envious. I wish that too. I am not happy with my life. What hurts the most is that i hate i didn't find someone else. My ego is hurt. I know she was not right for me and is ok. Being with her was a way to cope with all the things i didn't like about my life. I just ignored them. I am envious on her drive and motivation. I wish the same. I am not ok with my life right now. I am not happy i struggle with dating and not doing more self development. I hate i cared more to get pussy than to focus on my career. I feel stupid for investing more in that bad relationship instead of my own life and career. I was working for my parents for some time and didnt even wanted to work harder to leave that place. Being with her, even if it was so much sacrifice it was better than the life i had at the moment. Being with her was my purpose, and didnt care of uni, myself and work. Hearing her speaking of all her new achievements in the last 2 months made me feel miserable. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? This torment was covered by distracting myself that relationship. She said she didnt go out with her friends as much as she used before because they asked her to come with me. She was afraid i will be bored cuz i dont have anything in common with her and her friends. All her friends kept telling her to dump me. Her parents too. I felt so horrible. I dont know what to talk with ppl. My life is boring. I watch tv series. I dont read books, i am lazy and i complain a lot. I am not doing much with my free time. I am not even reading the books i like. I arrived home, writing my thoughts and my siblings came in. They said why are you sad blah blah? Made fun of me. I felt even worse. Here i am with empty bottles of wine and beer on my table. On my laptop is a paused Netflix episode. My room is not as clean as it used to be. I wanted to be left alone. I am feeling sad for my own life. I dont like the person i am right now. I hate that relationship gave me meaning in a way. I cared more about keep it than anything else. I hate i dont have a drive in my life. That i am not having a plan anymore, not looking in the future to think what i want to realise and so on. That i am expecting from life to give me stuff and meaning. That i dont even know what i want to do with my time and life? How does a driven and motivated life would look like for me anymore.. I am not believing in myself that i can have a better life. Messaging her weekly was a mistake. I kept thinking of her and didnt move on.

Blocked these thoughts as best as i could and felt better. Focused better on work. Blocked them until i could not resist anymore and started daydreaming. I am meeting with her later today. I feel restless and resentful. Hard to focus on other things. Going to swim before seeing her. I thought she would cancel our meeting by now. Drank wine, beer and overate last night while watching tv series. Don't remember when i fell asleep. Woke up at 5 am and couldn't sleep anymore. I am going to move after the 3rd of June in that apartment. I feel resistant to be honest right now.

I watched porn last night but didnt fap. First time in weeks. I didnt feel as excited as thought i would be. The craving of porn was more pleasurable than actually watching. Hmmm Blocked these thoughts as best as i could and felt better. Focused better on work.

Hey I cant believe i miss porn more than fapping itself. I am thinking more to watch porn than to actually fap. I must have had a wet dream last night. I saw in the morning i ejaculated during sleep. Hard to focus on work. I keep thinking of what i will tell her when we meet.