Everyday

It was nice. Quite funny. I liked hanging out with them. Drank a lot. I wished i brought more subjects to talk about at the table. Avoided that seo girl pretty much the whole day. She looked at me and smiled. I am really confused. Do you like me or not? IDK must be a no. Spoke with her at the table. She told me some stuff about her because i asked but she didnt ask anything about me. I didnt like her more after we spoke. She seems a cold person. Dont feel a connection between us. I cant wait to move alone. Such a big change. I cant believe i forgot about it for so many months man. Wished good luck before my ex's vaccine. Turns out is next week ahehehehhe. Whatever. Felt restless for hours after messaging her.

I got lost thinking of my ex. Getting upset, frustrated and angry all over again. I still feel stressed of her yelling or getting upset like my father does. I understand why i was with her but is said to get over it and accept it. Everyone makes mistakes. I wished i was more honest with myself when we spoke in November. I could have said i am not ok that you are so busy and so on. One of the problems in this relationship was that i needed more time with her even if she told me she can offer me that. I just said no problem- i just wanted approval asap. I kept becoming more and more frustrated for not getting more time together and seeing her so often stressed, angry and cold. I was never cool with that and i tried so hard to not show it and even to accept it. I never could. So if i get back together with her this wont change. Not even if we move together like we spoke. Her exams are coming and she will be to stressed to see with me. I would get frustrated all over again.

A girl from work said some creepy guy saw her ID when she was in train and later he sent her a friend request on Facebook ahahahahha

Hey Last night i dreamed of my ex. The lunch moved for tomorrow. Didn't speak much with her today. She didn't try either. Good. Thought of my ex but blocked those thoughts. Is crazy how much effort i put to make the relationship work even if i didn't want to keep it. That habit of shutting up and tolerate everything to not have a fight still affects me. There is a nice room available from Mid July. Quite expensive i would say. It will be an experience. Why not? I can always move back or find another place. I cant keep living with my parents. Is damaging me. I want to live with other ppl again. Update: my father keeps getting angry and yelling. Definitely worth the money moving away. I thought ill move away some day in the distant future and i have to tolerate what my father does... like i thought i have to be with my gf until x moment and than i will be free. I see a pattern. I think i should have it bad and struggle and that i should always wait until i can have the life i want. Dont like this.

Tomorrow we are going to have lunch together with the whole team. I asked her if she wants to get a coffee afterwards. I thought this would be more intimate. I had doubts about messaging her but did it anyways. She said but if we go to lunch we will get to know each other more, right? I just think she is dodging meeting with me. Well, that's the 3rd time i ask her out and she makes some excuse. Got the message. Move on man. I feel stupid for asking when it was clear from the begging she doesn't put any effort to schedule a date. Is OK. At least i wont have regrets i didn't try. I have to accept she isn't into me and is afraid to reject me directly. It is OK. I am fine. I will feel more upset on myself if i keep asking her out. Is better this way. I asked her out just because i want experience. I see there isn't a connection between us or smth similar. Is alright. It was a stupid idea to want to date a girl from work. Really bad one.

Did the exercises for my back this morning. Meditated too. I think i will go this Thursday to swim. I'd like to drive this week as well. Took care of my plants today a little bit. I have: parsley tomatoes hot and regular pappers different types of mint and basil tarragon rosemary thyme cucumbers sage foxglove oregano sawn yesterday some hemp, morning glories, borage, coneflower, chamomile, rattles, nasturtium and carrots

Kept watching movies and tv series last weeks. I am feeling that desperation again. I should take action towards my goals- i dont and i feel i a going crazy. Kept meditating though, even if is hard to focus and i skipped a day or two. I am meditating for 11min. Realised some stuff again about my relationship.: i am bothered to be single again. i see it as bad because i have been single for soo long. thus i thought i should shut up and tolerate everything just to have a relationship the people around me will pressure me again to find a gf. my brother and sis asked me why i am not with another girl last time we broke up. i see i exaggerated this break up. my family said ok that i break up. they know i struggled. they know she was difficult. they have my back. also, she had 10 times more break-ups than me. She is fine. I didnt cheat or beat her. i am exaggerating way too much. we even spoke before breaking up and settled things. i messaged her last few weeks before her vaccine and surgery. she doesn't think as bad about this situation as i must think. she is ok with it i guess. i am overreacting . i was nice with her parents. i was nice with her 99% of times. it is ok. my ego is hurt, not my heart. i feel bad cuz i was with her for so long and i knew is wrong. i feel bad that i didnt dumper her sooner. that i didnt find a new girl and kept going with her. that i wanted to make this relationship work when i knew we are not good for each other. i feel bad i didn't work more on myself. i feel bad for settling for her out of scarcity. i hate i put so much effort to make her happy and she still complained and treated me like that. i dont deserve that this morning i realised is hard to get used to not feeling stressed and afraid she will yell at me like my father. i got used to feel that all the time and now i feel weird to be free and relieved. i feel hurt she doesnt message me back. this makes me feel i didn't matter, i am not good enough and im not worth a dime. this is stupid. idk why she behaves like this. is her opinion and isnt about me. is what she wants or doesn't in a relationship, she got upset and wanted a break because the way she sees relationships should be like. isnt about me. i developed this belief that i should accept everything from her and take revenge later. it doesn't work. is toxic. i am better without her and keep it that way. i felt scared when i thought she might message me to get back together. i felt worse for messaging her in the 1st place. leave her alone. i dont miss her as a person. i miss the good feelings: touching her approval, being tender with her. i can feel this and even more with another girl. i dont think it was love. it was just about feelings and scarcity.. Developing on this i miss the physical intimacy i had with her.

Hey He said a girl is living in that room until the end of month. Than is free. Yay. He is going to ask his gf than give me an answer

I went today to buy some plants. On my way back i remembered the guy from the 1st internship is living with his gf and has a free room. A cheaper one if i remember correctly. I am going to ask him too. Maybe i can live there until july or end of jun. Sawn some seeds. I wanted to do that from a long time. I put my new plants in the garden. So glad about this.

Well, i got rid of my fears around sex and having a GF. Yes, i should have ended the relationship sooner but i got smth out of it after all. I wanted more but i will get it from someone else. Glad i wont move with her. I would have been even more frustrated and i would have spent even more time with her. She'd probably tell me to get out of her house each time we had a fight. I am excited to move in that house. It will be expensive but i will learn a lot.

Felt stupid the whole day for being with her for so long. I hate myself for it. I should have left her alone a long time ago. I am so stupid. Is unreal how stupid i was. I invested so much time, energy and money on a girl just to have sex and approval. Just to have a gf. Man i am soooo stupid. It wasnt worth it. It became the norm to suppress feeling annoyed by her and trying so hard to tolerate her just for being. It was a mistake to be with her from soooo many angles.. I had so many reasons to not be happy so many flags i dont want her as my gf and i kept ignoring them. Oooofffff.

Woke up and had doubts about moving there. It is ok. Will be fine. The guy said they don't have any room available until end of Jun/ July but will let me know. Good. I would have liked to move asap but is ok. I will wait. Glad i messaged him. He remembered me from an opening event and visiting my friend. I was surprised. Felt bad about the whole thing with my ex. Time will solve this. Almost two weeks since we broke up. Feels much longer. I should have not been with her.

I drank some brandy and beer ehheheh. I was on facebook checking my ex and other people's profile and I remembered about this place where my french friend used to live, with ten other people. Nice and interesting people. I thought - i have the money now why not move from my parents'? I messaged one guy there and waiting for his response. I feel excited man. Heh. Is going to be cool man. Hope that have a room available. I need a change.

I was so scared the other day I will be weak and get back to her. I felt so relieved she didn’t speak with me more or asked questions. I feel relived I am still far way from her. I felt so trapped and miserable with her that I didn’t even know it at some point. I am stupid. I felt guilty and thought I have to be with her. But I didn’t get her pregnant or smth worse. I am not like my father. Is still hard to face all the feelings I suppressed for over a year. I remember and is hard not to notice how stupid I was. Settling for scraps indeed.. Got vaccinated the other day. It was ok. Just a little pinch. My arm still hurts but nothing horrible.

Hard to focus at work again Felt so stupid for not even carrying that much that i am spending time with a girl who isn't right for me. I just didn't bother to think about it. I kept staying with her and just shut up. Uf. I was stupid as fuck. Yesterday wished her good luck before her surgery. She said thx. At night messaged her to know if everything was fine. She said bla bla yes and thanks for carrying. I felt such a strange thing. Scared that she will message me to get back together. Lol. But in the same time i wanted her approval, to think that i am still nice. WTF?

Hey Today i got late at work because i had last day of practice at uni. One of the girls i work with messaged me to ask if i am ok. She said she was worried it happened smth with me because i didn't tell anyone that i will arrive later. This was sweet. It made my day.

I have practice at uni and is shit. Last Friday i had to dig holes when we should have learned about flowers. We dug holes as boys. The girls had to clean the greenhouse. What a waste of time. We didnt learn a thing. Tomorrow i have my 1st vaccine with phizer. Told my family last night. My mom got mad i am getting vaccinated. She sent me some video about the conspiracy behind everything and some other bullshit. She said she is disappointed. Didn't drive since last week. That's the 3rd day of meditation. Just 10 min. Decided to stop waiting for that girl from work to go out with me. If she truly wanted to she would have found the time. She must feel awkward to reject me. Is ok. I like the office and the atmosphere. Why would i even think to destroy everything? Let's say we get together and break up. It will be really awkward and stressful. Leave her alone.

Left from work and i had a random insight: Was i that desperate and needy that i started a relationship with a girl even if i knew she's against my values? Sadly, yes. Yes, i did. I felt like crying in that moment. What a bad opinion i must have about myself to be with a girl i wasnt ok from the beginning... Moreover, to keep forcing myself to stay with her and tolerate everything just because i think no other girl will want to be with me. Seriously? So my choice is to be with her and shut up? I cant believe i did that. Last year, i was upset from some stupid thing like i always do. I blocked her number and she called me. She called from another number and i responded. She got super upset. She was cold and treated me like shit for a month just for that mistake. Yet, i kept being nice to her to get that approval back... and for what? Shortly after she wanted a break. I said let's break up. She wanted me to get a job and be more motivated to leave my parents business. She wanted that break to make me motivated to do her bidding. After a week from the break up i asked her how is she. It took her a month to ask me how am i and almost two to apologise for treating me like that. lol. Recently, before breaking up, when i got angry again she got sum I made a mistake and she wanted a break ... to punish me for not obeying her again. Seriously? I am not an animal to be treated like that... I said let's break up. Is better this way. I would have hated myself sooo much if i waited for her to get over that argument, that mistake i did. Seriously? So i was supposed to say sorry and i will never make that mistake again? To wait another 2 months??? No, man. Look last week for example. I messaged her before her vaccine because she was scared. She didn't even ask me how am i. I am still trying to please and be nice to her and she just doesn't give a fuck. Why would i want to be around such a person? I don't deserve that man. I keep trying being so nice to her and she keeps being difficult and cold. Why do i even bother? Anyways, tomorrow is her surgery. I will message her for that and next week for last dose of pfizer. And that's it. Maybe say happy b-day this autumn. IDK.

She said she responded like that last night because she was not home. She said is no problem if i contact that girl for english classes. Now, i am just feeling angry for feeling guilty. I feel so stupid for staying with her for so long out of desperation. I feel angry that i still feel guilty even if i am calmer now. I am better. Move on. Please man. I feel so upset that it is so hard to do the best for myself. It is for my own good yet, i feel guilty for doing the best for myself. Why??

I had some shitty last two days. I feel guilty and fears are clouding my judgement again. I messaged her last night to ask for the number of the girl she's taking english preparation classes with. I meant for some time to ask for her because i want to practice my english again. I feel super guilty now. She must have be thinking that i want to ask that girl out or smth. I know i am better without her and vice versa but i still feel guilty for dumping her. I know is the the best but is hard to face what i am feeling now. I have been watching tv series non-stop. It sucks. Doing the right thing is hard. Making myself happy is hard. I thought it will be easy when i break up with her. I try to remind myself that that her opinion either good or bad doesnt bring me any value

I thought why would i be with her just to make her happy? What about me? Why would i stay in a relationship that isnt right for me, just to not disappoint and make the other person suffer? What about me? Doest my happiness matter too? Why would i make myself stay in a relationship i wanted to get out?

Why would i try so hard to be the best boyfriend she ever had if i am not ok in this relationship? Best boyfriend is a title and an opinion in her head. I cant do anything with that. It has no value. Is just a thought. Why would i try so hard to maintain that opinion if i am not happy in this relationship? Why would i make her happy if i am not? What about what i want and need? I should have put myself first. Why did i try so hard to be the best boyfriend for a girl i feel is not right for me? Why would i shut up and tolerate whatever she does just to maintain that good boyfriend title and make her happy? Why would i do that to myself?

I told to my friend from uni we broke up and i feel guilty for doing it so fast and for not an important reason. I feel guilty for treating her like that. He said what???? Saw you feel guilty even if you know she's better without you and in the same time you are better without her? It doesn't make sense man.

Read my private notes from October, November, December, January, February and March. I was shocked to see that each week i was bitching about her. I was complaining and regretting so much of getting back to her. I forgot so much shit since then. wow. I wrote how cold is she, how stupid i feel for being with her and so on. The most shocking was to remember i got back to her because i didn't have a better alternative. WOW. i wrote that and is still true, 6 months later.

My parents are arguing again. Messaged my ex this morning to wish her good luck at her vaccine. She was nervous when she told me about it a few weeks ago. Next week she has a surgery and the week after that the last dose of Pfizer. I'll message her for that too. At least I can do that. Not much but better than nothing. I still regret the whole situation. I also messaged her step dad for helping me with driving. He responded me and said good luck and keep driving! We broke up on Monday night. Feels like it was weeks ago. It's just Wednesday! I spoke some more with the SEO girl about stuff and about our date. She looked away and said she's super stressed and let's postpone it. I said ok. I get a vibe she's avoiding it. Idk. The rest of the day she was looking at me very intensely. Often I would notice her doing this from across the room. I felt down because she reacted like that when I wanted to set a date. I thought to get back with my ex and all kind of crazy thoughts. I stopped myself and questioned my behavior. Observed that I am again not doing practices in my free time, I'm not reading, doing back exercises and so on. So a new gf means no time for that in my head. Thus, I arrived home and meditated for 5 minutes. Felt so good. Hard to focus but I felt that all these problems from above are outside of me. I meditated for 5 min yesterday. No music. Afterwards, I took everything which bothered me and analyzed it. Realized it is bullshit. So much bullshit. I have to go to university tomorrow. I don't want to. I like it more at work. Much more.