Everyday

Hey While i was swimming i kept thinking i am wasting my time, that i haven't achieved much in my life so far and other negative thoughts. I focused on a few movements and i got a little better at swimming. I returned and arranged my clothes, cleaned my windows and did groceries. I paid more than i thought. I cooked, prepared for a test and read from primal book. Understood more why is important to eat better. Im waiting for the food to cool down to put it in the fridge. I can leave it like this because of the bugs =))) At lunch i ate 2 raw eggs and some yogurt. I didn't feel like eating again until 17:00. I tried to sleep but i thought negative shit and almost cried. Jump from bed and went to read. I had the worst thoughts about myself and my progress in life. I am inpatient to have lived like this for years. It's just second week. Tonight i will go to drive, take some stuff from home and pick up the new iron.

Hey Cleaned the place again and now it's looking better. Oh, and there are bugs everywhere in the kitchen. I feel like a true student atm. Opened a drawer and a few bugs fell. ? I slept OK even if I woke up a few times. This bad is really comfy. I arrived home last night to prepare my stuff and I was very angry this place is full of bugs. I was bitter with my mom even if she was nice. I drove with brother here. I asked him to let me. I need more effort to put into driving. Felt lots of unincouraging thoughts and feelings. After cleaning last night I did a little of back exercises, meditation and reading a few pages from paleo. I was tired and still pushed myself. I'm proud. I'm delaying going to swim right now ahahah. I will go home tonight to take some stuff. My new iron has arrived so I will take that too. I'm still worried I will fail like I did in NL. But I am also amazed what I can do with this momentum. It feels good. I'm proud of myself. And yes I could have done many things sooner but I can't change the past. All I have is the present. To be honest I don't know what my problem was living wiht my parents. I mean I had my room, a clean kitchen, a garden. Not sure why I felt I need to leave besides them arguing with each other. I'm not really sure. I realized this yesterday as I was prepared to live. I'm still anxious about money. It's alright. I have to pay for the reparing done to the car.

Hey I'm at work right now. Lots of bad feelings and comparisons, thinking frequently to give up because one day I will be the person I want. But not right now. Now, I should eat junk food and feel bad to be motivated to become that person?! I watched a book review after mindset. I didn't even fully realized I have a fixed mindset. In my mind putting effort is bad. I should feel right and everything should be easy, right? Ahahhahahahaha. Kept putting myself back on track. These thoughts are ridiculous. How am I going to become better if I want to give up all the time? It's stupid. I feel bad and sad. Response? Go stronger bro! Stronger! Keep focusing on yourself and your habits. Each time I feel bad I start one of those bad habits which fuels the other ones. Last night I felt bad for wasting a few hours cleaning. But did the rest of my routine anyways. I have a test tonight. I will go clean my new room and the rest of the apartment. I can't believe how much I wanted to spent on junk food this week alone because I felt bad. It's ridiculous. I would have felt worse afterwards! With the money I would have spent on food at work and for feeling bad I bought today a portable steamer to iron my clothes (and still didn't hit the amount I would have spent on food this week alone lol). I wanted one for a long time. It will make thingsa little easier for me. Always stressed about ironing clothes in the morning. I ironed a couple once a week lately but is not going fast enough. I planted some broago and impomea tricolor (morning glory). Curious if they'll die or not. Is relatively warm outside. Looool, a new page already?

Hey I finished my routine and gardening and left to clean my room at the new place. Refused to drink a beer with my family and to eat again after i was full. I didnt eat bread for 2-3 days i think. On my way there i thought how awesome it feels to live in another place. Kept reading from my book. I arrived and .....=))))))))) God, it is much, much dirtier than i thought. The girl who lived there before me didnt even vacuum her room. Spiders webs and all kinds of stuff on the floor. Didn't even have time to clean it thoroughly because it was late. Turned on the light in the kitchen and saw cockroaches running from the table next to the sink They said they always keep the light on in the kitchen because of them. They are away right now until Monday. There was one alive as big as a fucking almond between the fridge doors =))))))))))))))) Ok, i will finish cleaning tomorrow. Maybe it will be better after i clean most of that place. Anyhow i needed a shower when i arrived home. Ew. Just one month and a half and I'm out of there. I cleaned my spaces in the freezer. Still looked dirty. Even the doors where sticky. In that apartment complex there is one more neighbour downstairs. The other apartments are empty and have broken windows =))))))))))))))))))))))) What a dump lol. Im happy there are no homeless people living there. All i thought is my parents seeing i live there. I already feel ashamed. At least the other place is clean.

Hey My response about how I feel after one month on no fap: Just feeling better about myself overall. Fapping was just one of the ways I would tell myself I give up daily. It was very frustrating knowing that I kept fapping for months and years. I don't see drastic changes but it does count as one of the ways I am improving my life. I feel I have more motivation and energy to work on other goals. I felt both drained and disappointed of myself afterwards. This didn't encourage me to try harder. Each time I felt bad about my life I would take comfort in TV series, sugar, overeating and fapping to porn. Kept thinking of a day everything will change and it will be effortless to improve. It won't. It's all a journey and is still hard to accept that. I still crave sex and intimacy. No fap isn't a thing for long term, but for now it Is one of the things that helps me to improve my life. I am still thinking some of the things I want in life will come to Me magically. Still believing doing this routine of mine will give me better driving skills even if I don't practice driving itself. Whatever. Another thing is that my back still hurts. Maybe it's not a smart idea to go bjj this Monday. Hmm. I felt bad and wanted to eat junk food to motivate myself to be better. Nonsense. But why not read some motivational pdf instead? The point is to motivate me right? Glad i resisted. I will bring some fruits to work to eat. I will do my routine, some gardening and then i will leave to clean my new room.

Hey Yesterday after I arrived I finished that experiment. Took me a few hours. I was very tired and my back hurt. After spending that much time for that I thought around 23 that I wasted the day. So I can watch a movie and feel bad now. Lol. No. I pushed myself. Last night I forced myself to do some exercises, medi, finished the essay at English and revised flashcards for that test. Also, I feel asleep listneing to a review of atomic habits by omtimized. Org. I heard again and again how being 1% better each day can do for you. Amazing. I keep thinking of personal development as a destination. Like the day I will feel like it, or the day I will have a gf and so on. I don't think of it as a journey. This makes me quit very often. I am at day 31 of nofap. Wow. The first week were the hardest. I used to do it each night. Didn't have energy left for much else afterwards. Just self pity. I felt bad again today. Just like yesterday. Wanted to take it easier because I felt that way. But that's the opposite I should do. I need to go strong in those hard moments. I am trying to enjoy the process of improving of my life. I'm doing so many of the things that make me feel better. Why complain about relationships when I am at work or doing my routine? It's absurd. When I was wiht my ex I would complain I am not working on myself. Wtf. Focus on the peresent moment more. Sometimes is so hard. I had such a real dream I was in bed next to a girl from work. I was caressing and holding her in my arms. Felt scared to loose her.

Hey Yesterday I skipped desert after dinner wiht my family. I drank some healthy juice. So I thought. Checked it and is packed wiht sugars. Hahaha. My bad. Anyways, I had energy to read some book afterward dinner instead of laying in bed. Hehehe. I got some of the leftovers from yesterday's family barbecue at work as lunch. Greatest idea ever! It was delicious! I wanted to go out and eat junk food cuz I felt bad twice. The money I would have spent on it and also just for lunch today would cost me literally a little bit over two swimming sessions lol. I'm really proud of myself. Got the key from New apartment. Did I tell you that I didn't even check the room before moving in? Ahahahahah. Is OK. The apartment is a little dirty but this can be fixed. I'm actually more worried what my parents will say about it. I'm going to move tomorrow. Getting some stuff and coming next day for the rest. Have some stuff to do asap for work. Also, some English essay to finish. I had some contradicting feelings about being single. In a way I think all the time I should be productive and spending time with her wasn't not really that. But also saying I want a gf cuz I missed out on this experience. That I'm supposed to have this experience and so on. Hmmmm. I remembered when I was wiht her I would think incesently I don't have enough experience and also being frustrated I'm not working on myself. I want to see how I will do financially this month living there. Also, still unsure if I should move the the next house or not yet. Idk bro. I really don't know right now.

Hey I was productive. I'm cooking wiht my family. My father calmed down. I used herbs from my garden. Last year I was so oooo resistant to do that. I regret now. Im going to save some food for tomorrow at work. Delicious. I gave my mom a small part of my salary a few days ago. I plan to do this monthly. It made her very happy. She buys personal deveolpment stuff on her own wiht them. I am not into her style of personal development but it makes her happy. The only money my mom receives are from my father and is very little. Each time she asks for more he yells. I remembered that when I was with my ex i thought I am wasting my time most of the time. I could have worked on myself instead. Yet, I wanted her back and I would have kept this weird dynamic going on. I Hated that I am not using all that time on myself instead. What a paradox! But also wanted more time with her. Ahhaahhahaahahahhahahaha Did half of the project for 2nd internship. Growing new stuff again. I have felt guilt for 7 months plus, since I have done last experiment. God it feels so good now. My Brian is thinking now how it can help me to Live better. For example just had the idea to drink kombucha at dinner instead of some sugary juice. Yay. I am tempted to drink soda and shit. But I will not. I won't be eat desert after dinner so all foods will be properly used. Also, I made a salad using plants from my own garden. I feel so excited. I have so many ideas how to improve my life.

Hey Woke up before my alarm. Had a wet dream and didn't even noticed. I had some moderate urges. I listened to some book reviews and driften on and off sleep. Then I read in bed for more than one hour about paleo diet. I'm at page 112. Lots of insights and regret I didn't do this sooner. I mean, so much knx in just a little over one hour? Are you kiding me? Also, I learned that watching TV series and eating sweets before bed disrupts good sleep. Eating lots of grains and sweets isn't good. They produce lots of insulin which makes you hungry again and flush all nutrients from your blood stream. What's the point of eating lots of vegetables if you wash them down with sugar? I cut some mint from my garden and prepared a lemonade. Delicious. Wanted to do this for such a long time. Last year I said all summer I don't have time for that. I living the life I wanted to for such a long time. Feel bad for not doing it sooner. I should have. Is amazing to finally do even a part of all those stuff I said I will do one day like reading and exercising. It's great.

Learn Them, Know Them, Live Them! Law #1: Eat Lots of Plants and Animals. Enjoy the natural, satisfying foods that fuelled two million years of human evolution. Law #2: Avoid Poisonous Things. Avoid processed foods (sugars, grains, and chemically altered fats) that are foreign to our genes and make us fat and sick. Law #3: Move Frequently at a Slow Pace. Enhance fat metabolism and avoid burnout by keeping active but taking it easy. Law #4: Lift Heavy Things. Short, intense sessions of functional, full-body movements support muscle development and delay aging. Law #5: Sprint Once in a While. Occasional all-out sprints trigger optimal gene expression and beneficial hormone flow. Law #6: Get Adequate Sleep. Avoid excessive digital stimulation and sync with your natural circadian rhythm for optimal immune, brain, and endocrine function. Law #7: Play. Balance the stress of modern life with some unstructured, physical fun! Law #8: Get Adequate Sunlight. Don’t fear the sun! Adequate sun exposure helps synthesise vitamin D to ensure healthy cellular function. Law #9: Avoid Stupid Mistakes. Cultivate hyper-vigilance and risk management to avoid the stupid mistakes that bring “avoidable suffering” to modern humans. Law #10: Use Your Brain. Engage in creative and stimulating activities to nurture your mental health and overall well-being.

I broke smth at the gearbox. I changed the speeds too fast/ abrupt or smth. Fuck. I will pay half the reparations costs. Going to the 9th of June at the recovery clinic. I will last 2 weeks. Woke up tired. I pushed myself to go to the doctor and at work. It was really hard to sit through all the negatives thoughts i had about myself. I just wanted to do more right there and right then. I have lots of energy. I want to do stuff. I felt very disappointed of myself for not growing faster. I decided to go to a trial lesson of BJJ next Monday. Decided to do yoga too, but in summer. After exams i guess, July smth? If I am not ordering food at work for 2 days i can go to swim once for the same amount of money! Lol! I made public my age and university on facebook. I am still ashamed i failed 1st uni so i decided to not have my real age on facebook so my new colleagues will never find out that i am 2 yrs older than them. I have kept this hidden long enough and i thin k no body cares. I left it there now. No body cares what my university is or my age. Skipped uni. I will have to re-do that lab I am at the level of productivity i was last year in those 2 months. It feels good but in the same time i want more. I want to be better. I have back pain now. Did my exercises, crunches, meditation and studied for one hour. Still, have enough time to do other stuff. I feel this burn inside to do more stuff, but in the same time i am anxious if i can do stuff constantly and not quit. It is becoming harder to sit at home alone and not go somewhere for the day. I have too much time on my hands and i tend to freeze and doubt myself. My father is yelling and being angry as usual. Cant wait to not hear him for at least a few days a week. I feel better each time i do my back exercises, crunches and meditation. Is my structure which tells me i am doing all right. Keep going. I'm at day 8 with meditation and crunches. Day28 of nofap. I am tempted to fap but not for the need of it. Maybe because i want to feel bad and wait again for some day to feel good all the time to do this work.

Hey Woke up and felt tired. I thought i cant push through but i can. Push yourself! I cant believe i drove 2h alone yesterday. When i drove alone last time it was not more then 30 min.

Hey I drove alone for two hours. I am proud of myself but afraid i will give up. Anyway, i forced myself a lot and i am alright. I remembered how important is to address my problems directly. To fix my driving i need to drive. That's all. I need to take action specifically to fix that. If i stay at home and meditated, eat well, exercise wont make me feel like i am solving driving. Yes, those stuff are good but they dont solve the problem. Is stupid to complain that i am not driving better and i dont feel alright about myself if i am not driving at all. When i arrived home my parents where arguing over some stupid thing and he was complaining about us. I will keep driving and i am glad i am moving out. Im at page 64 of Primal Blueprint. While i was reading a few hours ago i almost felt like crying for not starting this book sooner. I new about it for years but kept saying i will do it another time. Yeah.... now each time i hear ppl talk about diet and eating healthy i think i have some really good books on this topic and all i do is to complain and avoid reading them. I wanted to give up a few times today and watch tv series. I felt that i am not good enough. I need to keep going regardless of these toxic thoughts. Day 27 of nofap. Less urges today. I cant believe i am going to hit a month. Wtf?

Hey It was ok with driving. Wished i went alone a few hours prior. The walk just made me think of all the things i haven't done with my life so far. I am very disappointed of myself. I could have done more. Years wasted... Just in time. Is raining again now. I did that. I am feeling i am not understanding it fast enough. I keep complaining and thinking to quit. I wished i have kept studying. I wish i had more endurance and motivation. I am still studying but i am not enjoying at the moment.

Hey Kept feeling sad and disappointed of myself. Going to drive a little then to walk a little. I will feel better afterwards. Did a little bit of gardening. I will study at another subject now.

Hey Lots of urges last night. Finished season 2 from Who killed Sara? It made me feel lots of urges and at the end disappointed of myself. It was even harder to fall asleep. Felt even more urges seeing hot girls in those episodes. I was tempted to fap to feel worse. Woke up feeling drained and lazy. I didn't want to jump out of my bed to meditate, do crunches and exercises for my back. I wanted to keep feeling bad until i will feel like changing my life again. I released that's how i felt maybe each time i was speaking to my gf or hanging out. I felt i am not doing what i am supposed to do with my time. I would end up being lazy and drained. I would want more time with her like i wanted tv series to keep feeling so bad until i will change smth. I remembered i used to feel like this all the time and i hated it. I hated it. I would think of some day i will be productive again. That they will never come. All i have is being productive or not in the present moment. I realised having a gf, even if will all those problems it was a way for me to cope with my past. I wanted one for yeeeeeears and when a girl wanted me i went nuts. Maybe it wasn't love but me making up for my past traumas and failures. I observed that in my mind having a gf means i am worthy for the outer world and as well for the inner. So bullshit. I was not doing ok when i was with her. I meditated twice and did everything else. I am planning to study now. I will go driving and some gardening. I started reading paleo diet last night. I got upset not doing it sooner. Horrible feelings. My siblings made fun of me again for moving out. Cant wait bro. I told them they will understand how is like to live alone when they will move out. They didn't like to hear that. But I am still not sure if i will move to the other house afterwards or not. I will go to the doctor this Monday. I want to go to do Kinesiotherapy and other treatments for 2 weeks as well. I have two weeks of practice at uni in summer. There is an opportunity to work at some place for a week and then be done with it. But it would mean to skip work entirely. I don't want that. better to go to uni for 2 weeks but still get to work. I don't want to waste my vacation days for that shit.

Hey I prepared some kombucha with mint from my garden and strawberries from the store. It was raining heavily so did just a little of gardening. Cleaned my room. Prepared some lab lecture for studying. Felt really bad again for comparing with my ex success. I wanted to give up today. I pushed myself. I am proud of myself. I remembered about Driven and did it anyways. I am reading Primal Blueprint. I wanted to do this for years. Anyways, i'm doing it now. I think i will watch a tv series now. I am not sure if i should move out to that house with 10 ppl or not. It feels too expensive and the Erasmus students are going to leave during summer anyways. Better to move in October. I don't know what to do. I think i should stay for longer with the ppl from the 1st internship. I am not sure. We will see how this month will be like living with them. I want to buy some stuff and my money would go on rent in the second place. Hmmm.

Hey Driving with bro was ok. I am getting better. I drove 90 min. Added some more flashcards for that test. I have 20 more and then i am done. What else? Gardening afterwards, Kombucha if i have enough tea left =))) Maybe going to drive alone tonight?

Hey Swimming was nice. I had my mind a lot more clear than last week. I realised i am getting frustrated cuz i haven't already been meditating for 5 years. But i was reading this notes from a book called Driven and realised i need time to get there. Also, that there is no place to arrive to. IT IS JUST ME TRYING TO BE BETTER EACH DAY. No finish line. No i arrived where i wanted to be blah blah. I am contemplating this . I finished the 1st volume and had nothing to read on my way back so i chose a book from optimize.me. I am preparing some anki flashcards for a test. I feel is taking forever and i should be doing smth more productive.

Hey I remembered that i am working at a really cool marketing agency and i liked what i do. I forgot what a big problem it was working for my parents. I was miserable. I am financially independent of my family now. This means a lot. I was so anxious i wont ever get hired a few months ago - and here i am :). I am really excited of my life right now, even if i still have stuff i need to fix. But working for my problem used to be my biggest problem. Now is gone. Gone!!!!!!

I am close to finish the 1st volume. I asked my colleagues from work for more work cuz i had nothing left to do. Kept pushing myself. I am very proud of myself Got distracted and upset thinking of my ex but is ok. I will block those thoughts, next time. Drove with bro again. It was better. Right before i thought of my ex and felt bad. I said to myself - is just a skill. Go! Drive! Arrived home and did some chores. I feel a little tired but i can push myself. I remembered how proud i am for being productive. I havent felt this good with myself since November. Day 25 of no fap. Day 5 i think of meditation and 100 crunches a day. I feel good. Haven't felt so proud in a long time. It was not a perfect day but it was better. Going to swim tomorrow morning. I am excited. Drive at night. It is stressful but i want this skill. Just practice bro. The rest of the day i will do some stuff that bothered me all week, some gardening, studying, etc.

This page started with a real good vibe unlike the last ones =))))))) Cheers and wish you all a great night.

Hey Drove 30 km with my bro. Tried to remind myself is just a skill. It would make a huge difference if i have this skill. I decided to spend more and more time driving. Why bother going to bjj, reading books all weekend, meditating and so on when i am not dealing with this huge problem???????????? (of course i am going to do those things but i am making a point here). Last weekend i got frustrated i went swimming and still feel i am not doing anything with my life. I didn't understand why. But then i realised swimming is nice. But is not like driving, is not a problem i am solving. Swimming wont make me feel better for not driving. Sometimes the biggest problems are right in our faces and we avoid dealing with them. This problem is so in my face i cant see it! I thought what can i do to improve my life. I thought i will have to read book and so on all weekend and hope change will come one day. But i have right here a thing that needs to be fixed. Spending my time driving will bring me more progress than doing anything else instead for growth. I think i will go tomorrow alone and i want to drive for a few hours this weekend. I wont go anywhere if i drive just a little bit. I need to push and push myself over and over. I passed the test at uni with a 5. I should have studied more. But is ok after months of not studying at all. It was alright at work. Had fun conversations. Got a little behind with my work but is alright now. I feel excited to go to sleep. It was quite a day. I am listening to the song below on repeat now. I am relaxing after a long day. Why wouldn't i? Why force myself to read a book or be even more productive. Is just music. In moderation is alright for now

Hey One hour passed since my last entry. I was in bed trying to make me study for that test. I thought why not watch so tv series? Just a lil bit. My thought drifted and i thought i am not doing enough with my life. I thought coming home, studying a little for uni, reading some books, maybe driving, medi, back exercises - what time do i have left to do other stuff ???? I feel down again. I should achieve more.... I am comparing myself with my ex. I am not sure what i want to do with my time right now. I am complaining again. I thought i am bothered that i am not reading for work after my programme as well. But i don't have time, right? What about the other things i want to achieve? I have to wait until x time to do them, right? I am getting lost in my own BS again.

Hey My parents are arguing as i am writing this =))) I did not have a day as good as yesterday. I kept going regardless but slower. I thought of her again but realised i wanted her to distract myself from feeling so bad about my life. Also, because i am afraid of finding another girl. I see this fear as very real and a huge problem in my life. I feel happy i dont have to tolerate my ex. So much of that relationship felt like a huge sacrifice. It was really hard. Last time when we saw each together f2f it felt like an effort just to listen to her. But i do miss the touching, sex and affection. I am worried like shit i wont find another girl to like me. I remember how scared i was just to ask my ex out. I waited for months. When we started dating i wanted to break up cuz i was so afraid. I miss the idea of having gf. I miss feeling i can say i have a gf and going to her. It felt like i missed out on these experiences when i was younger. There is a part of me who is still longing for that. I remembered i wanted for years to start eating paleo but each time i said i have more important things to study first. I remembered my gf used to have a diet last year and as well now. I was so envious on her and so upset on myself not doing anything. I was very lazy. Kept waiting to feel like it. Here i am years later and still didn't start Felt bad today and wanted to eat junk food again to cope. But i said the problem will still be there. Why would i do that? I thought that if i do it i will fel bad and i don't want to feel bad. So, don't eat that. So simple. I forgot that. It was not a good day but things will get better step by step. I have a test tomorrow at uni. I didn't prepare very well. Find countability difficult. Started studying on Sunday. Last week i said i have to solve things with my ex and then i will study. So stupid. They have nothing to do with each other. I need to separate my life areas. Just because i worry about a girl doesn't mean i should suck at work and neglect my life. Is really stupid. When i was meditating earlier i thought again that no matter what it happens around me i am alone and i have to deal with my problems accordingly. Made me sad to think i tried so hard to run from my problems by being with my ex and here i am with all of them unchanged. Is sad. I felt stupid that i was thinking of my ex at work and got distracted. There is time for that too, Why waste time now? Fapping urges are very low. Day 23 I started having doubts about moving alone. I feel comfortable here, i find in normal to hear my parents argue all the time and so on. But it will be good for me. We will see how things will develop. I am excited to take care of myself like i did in NL.