Everyday

Hey Woke up past 11. Read for a few hours from primal blueprint. Meditated, crunches and back exercises even if is an off day. Felt so good. Took some notes for next time i do shopping. I will make some baked fruits to snack on. I also want to buy some cashew in bulk. Did some work for my job for half the day , then read over one hour from shadow and bone. I realised im not eating fish at all since i moved alone. I wrote down in my list to buy some. I am going home tonight. Not excited about it to be honest. I will check my plants, do some weeding, harvest some more and so on. Also kombucha is ready so i will make new one for next week. I will bring home this batch. I didnt eat junk food today or last night. I wanted to. It was hard to resist. Very fucking hard. I was productive yesterday. I would not have been if i gave up. Couldn't go swimming because the place is in renovation. I had a weird dream. I was in a relationship with one of the girls i met during practice weeks. I am going to drive tonight or tomorrow morning. Gardening and then i will return here.

Hey Went to bed late again. Dont remember what movie i watched. Woke up early because it was too hot in my room. Wasted some time on my laptop. I have some campaigns to do for a shop who sales plants. I finished half. Pushed myself cuz i was resistant to work on them. During lunch i helped my flatmates to pack and prepare their new products for an event. They made some seeds mixes and mixes of supplements. Delicious. It was fun helping them. I want to go to BJJ tonight. I thought on and off if i should go or not. I want to feel like going. I will force myself but it feels really hard. I would like to watch more movies and wait for the day i will do what it needs to be done. Sadly, that day will never come.

Hey We had a call at work with the ppl responsible for Google ads for Eastern Europe. It was very boring, lots of slides and YT videos. My colleagues said that call was a waste of time. They didnt learn anything new. They said they keep using the same slides for years. The advertising company i work for is a Google Partner for some years. Everyone is like wow, me included when they hear this. But apparently this means that they use you to try no tools while your clients are paying for it. If things dont work out with their beta tool they'll say sorry and move on. Lol. Also, because most money comes from N America they are not interested to invest in Europe for support. They have a lot of people for PR but no one for programming. So if you actually have a technical problem there is no one to help you. Sad.

Hey Went to bed late. I am watching movies again. Felt like shit because of that. Some chores in the afternoon. I cooked this afternoon and made some ice cream with my flatmates. Just herbs a banana and one orange. Just that. Procrastinated on work a lot. Updates - went to Kinesio. I forced myself. I would have just stayed in bed and did nothing. When i returned i bought junk food. The guy who prepared my food was really weird. Came home, ate, finished the movie from last night. Didn't feel better. My father called me. They were worried for not hearing from me since Monday. They asked me how things are going at uni. They are worried i wont have time to study anymore or that i will drop out like my brother. Going to BJJ tomorrow night and on Saturday to Swim. I paid the warranty and rent for next month. I am worried to move there. Not sure how it will be like. I am anxious. I got comfortable here now. I will go home Saturday night. Drive. Gardening. Asked my mom to water my seedlings. Forgot about them haha. I am not feeling the best. Just trying to push and do my routine regardless.

Hey The exam was alright. Work was fine. Still very tired. Didn't want to go in the morning. Got more energy as the day went by. I listened to the Epic of Gilgamesh on YT. Finished the whole book while i was optimising some campaigns. Then, i started listening a new one. The time passed by faster and i felt better. I ate junk food after Kinesiotherapy. Meditated. Watched a shit movie. This ritual doesnt work anymore. Dont feel much afterwards like i used to.

Hey How are you? The client of the account i m managing now said he sold a product. Cool. He said he didn't think to put those products in an ad group separately. I felt proud. The rest of the day was quite difficult i would say. I didn't feel like working. I just pushed myself to be productive. I was tired. I went to bed at 2 am. Watched tv series. I thought how i will go to eat a lot afterwards and watch tv series. And ate indeed. Not that unhealthy but still. At work i really noticed how annoyed i am of the other new PPC girls. But i smile and listen to them. They both speak so much shit and i listen to them out of politeness even if i really dont care. I remembered of my ex and how i was in a very similar situation. Just listening and pretending to care and be invested in what she was saying while feeling i am going insane if i have to tolerate that any longer. It was a weird thing. After work i went to Kinesiotherapy. I almost feel asleep a few times during the procedures.=))))))))))))) Than, the guy from Kinesiotherapy was really shocked i kept doing the exercises since last year even if i had some breaks. He said 90% of ppl he met wait shortly after. Told him i have also been swimming and so on. He was like wwoooooow man that's reaaaaally gooood! Some of the exercises he thought me i have been doing wrong but some good. Arrived home and ate and had a chat with my flatmates. We spoke of a bunch of random stuff about veggis, pets, plans, nutrition, work and so on. Then, went to my room, watched a shit movie and ate what i bought. Didnt even feel fool and miserable. Just disappointed. I have an exam tomorrow. I will cheat on.

Hey Went to the hairdresser for a haircut then home to drive alone for one hour. I was tense and did some mistakes as usually. Pushed myself through a more difficult path than i take usually. Did that twice and twice the easy one. Did a little of gardening and prepared some herbs for my grandma. My family was happy to see me. Didn't announce them i will stop by. Arrived home and had a chat with my flatmates. I really like living with them. I don't like the bugs but they are really nice. I spoke with the guy from the other place. Going to move there sometime in the middle of July. I dont know how long i will stay there. It will be an experience. An expensive one =))))

Hey Went to bed at 5am. Watched movies. Woke up at 12 and started reading from shadow and bone. Ate a salad with my flatmates. Tried their new recipes they will use for new vegan products. Really good. I feel a little better today. I was really down yesterday. I haven't felt like this in a long time. It was really hard.

I watched it last night. Beautiful movie.

Hey Went to bed late. Woke up late. Did gardening for 2 h. Browed 5L of tea for Kombucha. Finished second book of shadow and bone and read around 100 pages from the third one. Drove with brother. Took a long walk and ended up buying junk food. Came home and watched a movie. Did my routine. Meditation made me feel worse. All these negative thoughts unrevealed.... So i was not happy with a gf...... i am not happy alone either. I am really confused....

Hey I cooked with the herbs i brought home last time and cleaned my room a little. I read from paleo and the other book. I feel a little better. I observed i felt better when i had smth to do, like i was preparing for those tests. I remember how crazy i was about cleaning when i was living in NL. I would get upset if the dishes where not put back, or found them unwashed in the sink. Now, here i drift through their clothes, used plates and garbage in the apartment. I just mind my own business. I don't even complain or argue with them about this. I am not going to live here forever. I am sitting now on the desk of one of them. I count two used forks, one spoon, one tea spoon. Two used glasses. some dirt stains on the desk, papers and dust. My father called me earlier. Asked me how am i and when i am coming over. I wanted to go home earlier but i dont want to feel bad again so i will wait till later. i will arrive and wont have too present too much time with them. I said i just cooked a little and read all day. He asked me if i went somewhere or just stayed indoors. I was ashamed i watched some tv series in the morning. I wondered what they think of me. I thought how much i have to grow and felt i cant do it. I thought a lot of my ex lately, more exactly about having a GF. I see myself as a looser without one even if i was so miserable. I cant understand my cravings. When i had one i was disappointed i am not working on myself. Now, i work on myself and i am disappointed i don't have a GF. WTF? I went to BJJ this Wed. I was looking all over the place for that girl who seemed to like me. She didn't come, just her friend. Maybe this Monday? God i am so desperate. I am experiencing a backlash, is hard to admit. I thought this time will be different and i will keep going.

Hey I had lots of urges to fap last few days. Watched porn. I am at day 28 of meditating and doing 100 crunches daily. I really forced myself this morning. I feel really down and unmotivated. Lost some of my faith that i can change my life. I ate junk food a few times last 2 days. Watch tv series for hours. I was really lazy and i hate it. I dont feel the best right now. I really hard to keep pushing. I ... I worked from home on Thursday and Friday. I took it really easy and procrastinated a lot. Hack, on Friday i worked a little bit then i watched Swamp Thing and The Bad Batch on the internet.

Hey Went home yesterday fro a few hours. Did some gardening. Planted some seedlings. When i was home i felt like i need to do smth. I felt bored. I thought i couldnt stay overnight cuz i dont have my laptop to use. What will i do? I dont feel to motivated today.

Hey Worked from home today. I was not as productive like i would have been at the office but it was nice. Ate lunch with my flatmates. Cooked and washed some clothes. I noticed that the couple i live with are not very tender and loving with each other. I never saw them displaying affection. Do that love each other or they are together out of connivance? Never heard them saying i love you.

Hey yesterday i arrived home and before leaving to bjj started raining. I hesitated but left anyways. I didn't regret it. It was fun. Wasn't as hard on my back as last time. I dont like the instructors arent paying as much attention as i would like. I will try different dojos. I am not ok with the fact that i didnt pay 100% attention. Kept thinking i dont have a GF and other shit. Came home and resisted to not buy junk food. I meditated and did the rest of my routine. Then i watched Loki. Really good episode. Huge urges last night.

Did my replies got deleted? I had more replies. Just saw the thread. Anyways, I had a difficult day. I wanted to give up multiple times. I was amazed how i kept pushing myself and didnt give up. I wanted to take a looooooong break and deal with those problems much, much later. Thus, getting super stressed. Left work at 19.30. Went to see with brother and drove. I didnt want to especially after such a long day. But i did it anyways. i m glad now. Didn't see my parents and sis. Returned home to do some more work. I messed some reports. One of the bosses got super upset. Felt like shit whole day. Same old problem with paying attention. I wanted to continue working but i cant because i need some verification codes for that account bla blah. Going tomorrow morning to finish. Juggled with a lot of stuff today. Passed that verification for uni. Glad. I said what i learned last few days. I could have done better. I passed. That's good. When i returned home i wanted to buy junk food. I bought groceries to cook next day. Almost same price. It will last me longer.

Hey Today I went to do gardening with two colleagues I don't like from uni. I listened to them speaking. They both said I wish I dropped more weight. They are both overweight. They spoke some other shit to do some day but they don't have time. One of them said he wants to start going to the gym. The other said he wants to start running in the park and so on. And they both said how they'll start really hard-core one day. Like really putting lots of effort into it. ??????? I thought: do I sound like that too? That one day I will change everything, one day. Not even focusing on small changes I can do right now? ???? On our way to the field some girl passed by in front of us. One of the guys said oh, that's my gf. He called her and went after her. Really weird. I was thinking if that's some joke, if he's pretending or that girl is really his girlfriend. The other guy said that's her. And they live together. Wow. Didn't expect that. I also thought girlfriend or no girlfriend you need to take care of your life. Like I should as well. A girlfriend is just a girlfriend. Later today he told our professor he will merry her in a few years. Will he though? One of them asked me which part of the city I travel from to arrive at uni. I said my parents house but than remembered I moved last week. They were like wow so you live in the city center now wiht some friends ? That's really cool! I didn't expect that reaction. The other one asked if I am going to the one week trip during the practice week next month. I said I can't because I work full time. Going there would mean taking my only vacation for this year and spending it pulling out weeds for a week. They asked me where I work. I said a marketing agency. They said woooow that's cool. Didn't expect that either. They seemed envious I think. Later the day they said they are tired and are going home to eat and sleep. I went to work afterwards. I really have lots of energy to use. A girl from work called me about some stuff I finished yesterday while I was planting. I said to the professor I need a few minutes to send a message for work. She was like omg you also work? You don't eve to have much missed classes! That's really impressive! I guess it is. At least I learned smth new and fixed one of those missed labs. Went home to pick some stuff and drive. My brother took the car so I couldn't. I was really bitter with mom. Don't know why. Ate unhealthy. Felt a little sick on my way home. Paid the rent today. My finances are alright. I saved lots on money by not eating at work or junk food. I want to see how much I am left wiht this month. I paid for food yesterday. Going to cook maybe tomorrow. Anyway soon cuz I am out of cooked food. I have been living here for almost a week. Feels much longer. At home, my parents where arguing again. Even my sister was arguing with mom. I concluded they are arguing so often cuz they have too much free time. That's the explenation I found so far. Two 4th year girls where helping us as well. We have the same age. I could have been in their place. Who knows? How would have my life been like? My back hurts like shit. Did half of back exercises. Finished day 39. Started day 40. Didn't have insane urges today.

Starting day 39 of NoFap

Hey It feels weird to not give up 10 times a week. Hmm. Feels weird to keep going and going even if i dont feel like it. Feels weird to do stuff even if i dont feel like it. Going to cook tomorrow. The meat and veggis are still frozen. Spoke with sis and mom. I felt less motivated afterwards. Im revising my flashcards for the test on Monday. Update - around 23:00 started feeling tired. I am glad i didnt give up and gave myself time to study. I watched loki today after i finished work. Felt weird to not roll into fapping, more episodes, feeling bad and junk food afterwards. I realised that i wanted to avoid finishing my task because i perceived it as hard. I wanted to avoid doing it.

Hey Wanted to give up a few times yesterday. I am really glad I didn't. The amount of money I would have spent on junk food was this Tuesday and Wednesday equals what I paid for groceries this afternoon. Wow. The food I bought will last me for days VS feeling like shit for a few days. Got a 9 on today's test. I should have prepared better. Last night I came from the clinic and started studying. I wanted to give up a few times but I am so proud I didn't. Didn't feel like doing my routine but pushed through anyways. So glad I did. We have a test on Monday. Asked a colleague for some more info on that. I want be better prepared. Going to do practice this weekend at a permaculture farm. It's part of that course I have been doing. I volunteered tomorrow to help at university because I need to compensate for some skipped classes. We had a class before the test. I easedropped to what the guys behind me were speaking about. One of them was talking about this ex who keeps messaging him. And about what happened in that relationship. I'm not the only one who had breakups and problems. It's totally normal. He was saying he likes having sex with her but he can't stand her. That he is 95% or 70% not wanting to get back with her. Everyone has his drama and shit to deal with. I had some rough days. Felt like quitting a thousand times. I am so happy I didn't. But it was hard. Which each time I refuse to give up I'm more of the kind of person I want. I am given choices each day. I am more ok with the roaches in the kitchen. Focused on work and study. Juts wash everything twice and that's it. I bought some dried figs. Not sure how much added sugar they have. Or are like that? My flatmeats ads leaving again this weekend. I thought to eat junk and feel like shit? No! I'll be productive. Why did I gave up so often at home? I can't explain. Hmm. I don't know. I was worried last week it will take me lots of time to cook. But it took me a few hours on Saturday and I still have food. It's just about planning. I am more productive than I was at home. I feel proud I'm eating better than I used at home. Also, I eat less often. I used to eat for example after work and than again around 22. Now I eat just once or much on some nuts or other stuff.

Hey It was a long day. One of the bosses had a talk with me. He asked if i made that mistake because my focus in somewhere else or if i dont like what i am doing anymore. He asked if there is some problem in my life right now. He said we will have these talks with me but until some point when i will get fired. Fuck. Felt quite shitty the rest of the day. Wanted to eat junk food and complain. Decided over and over again to not give in. What i truly wanted was not to give up. I didnt. It was truly hard. Went home and drove. Made some stupid mistakes. Wanted to eat junk afterwards too. Resisted again. Kept comparing with ex. Felt like crap. I hate this shit . My back still hurts. Day 36 no fap. Lots of urges yesterday. I wish i kept working on myself. I am not ok with the time i wasted last few years. I had bigger expectations. I post pond speaking with my flatmates since they arrived last night. I had to go to work and when i returned wanted to study before-going home. I returned and spoke with them. While i was speaking to the girl noticed how much it drains me and how i dont really care what she has to say. Felt the same with ex all the time. It was exhausting to listen to her speak shit all the time. I had to force myself to meditate afterwards. I wanted to say smth more. oh, yeah i got a little bit with used with the roaches in the kitchen. I like having my own room and arriving at work in 15 min. I liked not having my family yell and to not feel put down like at home. When i went home my mom and sis started arguing. I felt so drained being there. Like the next step i was going to do was to watch a movie or eat shit. It was really easy to just go in the kitchen and eat shit when i felt bad. It's easier i dont have temptations here. Weird Well, i pass by kfc, Mc, and so on on my way to work each day. I still resist. Today i was really hard. I just wanted to return home and eat junk food and complain. I feel better that i kept doing my routine, drove and so on.

Hey Woke up for university laboratory. I was active in the tasks we did in the field. I pushed myself to keep working instead of being lazy. Ate with my friend afterwards. Felt guilty I spent money. At least it was healthy. I told him I've started reading primal blueprint. He said wow? You are interested in that stuff so early?! That's pretty cool. Went to work. I messed up two campaigns. I had to do two DSA campaigns and I did display instead... ???????. After work I kept saying to myself that I m going to eat junk food because I feel bad and already spent money on food earlier. Gald I didn't. It was hard. Just like yesterday. Went to bjj class. More ppl compared with the small group I was used at krav. The first 35+minutes I kept looking if there are any girls I can ask out ??. Kept complaining and bitching in my head. Felt ashamed of myself for not finding someone faster like my ex. As I lost my hope I noticed a nice girl looking at me frequently. She arrived later, right when I said to myself here are too many guys and not many girls. Ahahahahahah. Blah blah. The rest of the class I actually enjoyed fully. I love sparring. It's like when I was fighting wiht my siblings as a kid. Really fun and practical. One year of krav and I couldn't get out of those grips and moves. Lol. My back hurts but I'm really happy I went. Wanted to stop and eat junk food after bjj. So glad I didn't. My reasons for eating that shit are stupid. And I end up feeling like a failure afterwards. Each time. Ooooof.

Hey Watched some videos on YT, which combined with feeling made me watch even more and had a strong desire to buy fast food. Glad i didn't. I didn't think straight. I was just i will eat junk food and watch this and next day everything will be fine. I read from shadow and bone and calmed down. I want to study a little more and then go to bed. I feel guilty s no i want to watch more and more. Day 34 of NoFap. Had more urges. If i ate junk food and watched tv series i would 2 more times tempted to jerk off. Also, i wanted to watch porn. Turn on the light in the kitchen. Cockroaches eeeeeeverywhere. On the table, a few on the walls, some on the hallway, around the sink and so on. Ooooof. Saw some in the bathroom again. I must be living the true student life, right??????????

Hey Ate and avoided all cockroaches from the kitchen. I saw more than yesterday =)))))))))))) I look on the top shelves while my food was in the oven and saw this SWARM of fruit flies inside a jar with an old scoby. I put a bag on it and tossed it upside down =)))))) Almost all of them got fucked by that disgusting scoby =))))) I washed the jar a few times but is still dirty. WTF. For how long was that shit there? Why didn't they just clean it ?????????????????? My food has too many flavours. Is weird. very feeling but still weird. I was thinking to study some more and take a short walk later. I feel bad again but i try to be productive. I have to got tomorrow at university. Not too happy about that. But at night i will go to bjj. I am excited.

Hey Arrived home did gardening, packed what i forgot, kombucha, cut some herbs to add to what i cooked, washed some clothes and spent some time with my family. I didn't drive and i ate shit food with them. We celebrated smth. I was happy to see them but then they started arguing and it was not that nice anymore. Once at home, it felt easier to derail and get back to old ways. I have no clear idea why is that so. While i was with them i felt i should be back home reading or smth. Hmm. Next day i woke up and i was inclined to eat unhealthy and take it easy because i failed. My family wanted me to hang around longer, i already felt like a failure for not waking up earlier and being productive This morning i drove them to the church, drove alone and then picked them up. It was quite busy on the road. I pushed myself. Going to drive again Tuesday night. I offered to drive. I wanted practice. Also, i observed i feel better driving in the morning, knowing i am done with that goal instead of waiting until night to do it. Arrived to new home and tried my new iron =)))))) i was so excited about it. It's really cool. =)))))))))) Felt very lazy and complacent. Unpacked, meditated and wanted to watch a movie and complain of my life. Kept thinking of my ex. Hated that. Realised it made me feel worth it as a human to have a gf and i worry i wont find another soon (meaning in my head that i am a failure). I remembered i didn't live the life i wanted when i was with ex. Reminded myself that i am getting to that life each day. With each action i take. I cant make up the time wasted. But i can use the present to grow. I reminded myself that i need to just keep up each day with my goals. I feel amazing looking back a week and seeing i have been meditating and being overall productive. I had such a weird dream. I was in high school and everyone was watching some movie projected in the schoolyard. I was sitting on a bench with a girl i remember i liked. In this dream my ex was my ex even if i was in high school. I started making out with this girl and touched her. She started yelling at me for doing that on a bench, she had the voice of my ex when she was yelling. Felt very upset i didnt think before acting and so on. I woke up very confused.