Everyday

Hey Went to BJJ after a few weeks. It was easier to pay attention than last time. Started learning anatomy, bones and muscles for the massage course. After BJJ i went to meet with my high school friends. They told me they play this online game called war-smth. Two times a week. I said: WOW. When do you guys have time for that? One of them said well, im not doing anything besides seeing my GF and work. I was surprised. Another one is struggling to find motivation to get back to uni. He doesnt know if he should in a new one or start again from the one he dropped out. He is only working weekends. He said he panicked for not studying anything the whole year and when exams came he quit. I was surprised the other guys didnt talk him out of it. I saw again that that blockage of not doing anything in high school was just in my head. No body cares. I was avoiding lots of things afraid of what they might said. It was foolish.

Every day is a day you've never seen before.☀️?

Hey Cooked yesterday. Made a big smoothie in the morning. Delicious. Worked in the common space downstairs in the new house. I worked outside a little bit. Kept trying to have a good posture. It's really hard. I hanged out with other ppl here. One of them told us about his YT channel and his passion for singing and playing guitar. Really cool guy. At the massage course i laughed a lot. We made a lot of jokes. It was really fun. Two guys from there are going to the gym. One of them says he is going to the gym 4h a day. I cant get my head around that. His muscles are just big not sculpted so to speak. What does he at the gym 4h? He said is because he has been going to the gym for a long time. I dont really buy it. The other guy is 45 and jacked. But he said he doesnt eat much or healthy. He told us the injuries he got at gym by isolating muscles. He said he has been having shoulders pains for over to years. This made me reconsider functional movements even more. After massage course i went downstairs again to study anatomy and bones. I was really confused last lessons. Made some anki cards. Is not that hard hhaahahha.

Hey I asked myself were confidence really comes from. I dont know. Did half of my routine this morning. Went to work and it was harder cuz i was tired. I dont have enough money to spend this month. I need to cut some expenses. Played some card games with some ppl from the place i live in. I thought how much is going to cost to go to the gym. I need to rethink on what should i spend money again.

She told me her ex. He was also abusive like my ex's ex. He kept making fake accounts and messaging her. He is doing this for 2 years. I dont want to be like this. To cling on someone for years and humiliating myself like this. Horrible. She also said he started begging her to get back together and so on.

Hey Saturday Woke up at 5 and drove to the vacation house with my dad. He yelled at usually but i wasn't so affected this time. When we arrived we had to carry so much fucking wood i thought it will take forever. I came across same situations in traffic that made me take a break of ex a few months ago. I was so affected by driving is crazy. I still am but is getting better. Sunday Went one day in the mountains with the guy from 2nd internship and his GF. It was really nice. We hiked and later just chilled in hammocks by the river. They started arguing a few times. I had many insights. I remembered i like hiking. Monday After work i went to a BBQ organised with everyone in this house. There were people from Argentina, US, UK, my country and lots of french. I made the barbecue and everyone liked it. I spoke with some cool ppl. It was really fun. One girl living here quit her job at a coffee shop same day. She is over 30 and looking for smth to do with her life. We finished at 2am. Checked my phone. My mom called to tell me my friends from high school came to visit me. I was surprised. Tuesday Went to work. We celebrated the b-day of a colleague. He turned 30. I went to take the cake with a girl from work who is from the same town as my ex girlfriend. We had a very honest discussion of long distance relationships. She told me about her relationships and how is it like. She said is hard to be so far away. I know. I realised i dont reveal much about myself so i dont create bonds with more ppl. Around 16:00 my boss said let's all go to drink all of us. That girl from SEO was next to me most of the times. Speaking to her was like i was trying to pull words out of her mouth. I find it really difficult to find common ground. She told me more about herself and i told her about me. Each time i speak with her i get a very unpleasant feeling. Drank to beers and left early for the massage group. Afterwards, i called my friends from high school on my way home. I dropped my bag and we went to grab a beer at a pub. I stopped speaking to them because i felt i cant grow while being around them. IDK. It was fun to be honest. We do have some history together. We made plans to go out again. I feel is a mistake but i also want to go out more. And maybe wont be bad if we hang out once in a while. They said i am doing really good since i am doing so many things. I felt proud and surprised. Also, i thought of the stuff i need to do. I can be better overall. One of them quit university a year and a half ago and is trying to make and sell art. His 5 yr old relationship with his high school GF ended recently. He said it was a toxic relationship. Wow. I thought everything is going very good. He said he changed some stuff in his life. He was not happy anymore. Another is starting his masters and working at a company since last year. He has the same GF from High school. Another is just going to university. He said he still lives with his grandma and not much else. One said he tried to get into 4 different universities. He quit each time almost. He is working just during weekends and said is looking for smth to do with his life. I asked them about other people from our class. Many just finished university and starting their master degrees. Some ppl changed for the worse or better. Some couples stayed together. I was surprised to hear that not everything is going good with my friends from high school. I thought they are doing better than me somehow. Some of them at least. One of the girls from our group said she only likes girls now. Her father and brother are priests. They kicked her out of the house. Her parents are really crazy. As i was staying there i thought of my life and how i am only getting older. How there is no im doing it later and so on. How you just keep feeling unsatisfied if you dont change shit. How that life is just this. Every day. I feel scared i will turn 30 one day. I want to do so much. How could i daydream? Oh, i missed a few days of abs, back exercises and meditation.

Hey Woke up super late. Ate shit again. Watched tv series recaps online. Laid in pain in bad, then forced myself to work. It was horrible.

hey Yesterday, at work i bought some sweets because i felt bad. Moved my last stuff from the old apartment. My brain blocked when my superviser was telling me how to structure the campaigns again. I was almost arguing with him. I dont get this client. I felt bad. A colleague asked me if i am coming to Mc to get food. I said yes, of course. Afterwards got a bunch of crap from the supermarket. Fapped, porn and tv series. I ate so many sweets and chips i laid in bed for hours.

Hey Yesterday i got super stressed at work. Forgot my lunch. Ate sweets. I woke up horny and fapped. Two days in a row. Woke up and prepared a smoothie with fruits, kombucha and eggs this time. Delicious. Went to the massage course yesterday. It was better than i expected. I am the second youngest person there. To my surprise i didnt imagine being somewhere else like i do at BJJ. I was very present. My mind wondered around but not severely. I thought that i like this new place. Is nice and clean.. I thought of ex, i thought and other stuff. Some of those ppl stories were heartbreaking. I felt bad for complaining of my problems. AN overweight woman, 40, almost started crying telling us how she doesn't know what to do to loose weight and she wishes a miracle from the reflexology therapy from second module. She said she tried a bunch of treatments to loose weight but it didnt work. I wanted to tell her about diet but i didnt find it appropriate. Another guy 40, said he started loosing his sight when he was young and poor. He ditched school and worked as a construction worker here and in UK. He has a 10 yr boy and wants to change his job. His eyesight is so bad he asked a colleague to write for him his phone number and name and email. Arrived home after 22. Ate dinner with one of the owners and listened to his story. Amazing! Really cool dude!

Hey. I payed the rent. Walked to work. It takes like 15-20m now. Apparently all that work i did was for nothing but practice. He didnt like my ads. Said are too specific and tha this account is way to difficult. I started again Fuck. I had an idea. To stay here a few more months and then go home. Use the money to travel in weekends instead of paying rent. Bought some pre made smoothie mixes. I am excited to eat that in the morning. I haven't had a smoothie in years. I was to grossed out at the old apartment to make one with all those bugs. Forgot to buy eggs tho I made a tea too here. And microwaved my food. I didn't eat warm food daily in ages. Helped one of the guys to do weeding and have him some advice on how to take care of his plants. It was fun.

What plans do i have for this summer? To continue working as a PPC manager (Mon-Friday, 5 days a week, 9-18) Drive twice a week (Saturday, Sunday?) Massage course twice a week (4h Tuesday and Thursday night, after work) Back exercises (morning/night) Abs exercises 100-150 BJJ once a week (Wed/Friday) Meditation (22min, morning or night) Read more about nutrition, Fasting, blah blah Fasting once a week. Brew Kombucha once a week (5L) Tend to my garden once a week (saturday/sunday) Swim (Once a week, Saturday morning) -- - - - - Maybe start gym or exercise at home? yoga? trip abroad?

A guy asked me for how long i am planning to live here. I said i few months. I am not sure myself. I had doubts last night. I could be using these money for smth else but i would have other problems at home as well. I thought i will stay here a few months and then move back with that couple. - I thought this a month or two ago. But now i would not move back because those god damn roaches! Maybe i will stay here almost until i leave for BE next summer. Or less. IDK. Plans change very quickly. After i brought my stuff in this new room i had a feeling... one i felt before in the Netherlands three years ago: Now what? What will i do now? What is left to do? What should i do? I feel am i am supposed to do smth. I felt alone. I felt not good enough. Seems i will never will be I checked what i was doing last summer. I forgot that i was taking driving lessons and trying to get hired at that company. It felt like i am doing smth. I read of my insecurities with ex and so on. I read of my problems last summer. I took that relationship way too seriously. I was complaining so much about her and my own life. I read my wishes for this last year when i turned 22 in September. I was very frustrated. Probably more than i am now, but i didnt feel it at this magnitude back then. I was struggling big time with being productive and working on myself. At least i got that fixed. I am more motivated, and more productive. I remember the frustration i felt for not doing any routine. I was even struggling to tend my garden even if i was living there. I read of my ex left and right. I was not doing anything else besides to work for my parents and see her. I made progress since last summer i am sure of it. I am 5x times better regarding routine and goals than i was then.

What am i doing each week? I am waiting for time to pass by. I watch some tv series sometimes and the day is already over. I visit my family once a week or more. I drive a little. I go to work 9-18 and read a little. I meditate, cook, exercise for my back, abs exercises. I feel like down constantly even if i would feel worse not doing anything at all. Still i feel i am not pushing myself enough. Yes, i left my parents workplace and i am on my own but still feels not enough. I could do more, i should have done more. What was i thinking 2 years ago, a year ago, a few months ago? I said fuck it. Ate and watched tv series. Days passed. Months passed. My frustration grew. But one day i will do x and y. Not yet but one day, trust me :(..... One day my ass. I am like a fucking bucket of misery and regret and frustration.

Hey Moved most of my stuff yesterday to the new house. I didn't want to. I was lazy. I moved my stuff by uber. The second driver had a gym abg in his trunk and i thought c'mon everyone is going to the gym but me???????????? My room is smaller than the one i had in the house i live with that couple. I feel more out of my comfort zone over here. I got comfortable over there. I felt resistant to move here and bump into ppl right and left. I feel very antisocial lately. BTW, they dont have bugs over here. So fucking nice man. I can walk in the kitchen, open a cupboard and it will not rain with roaches =)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Went home and drove a little with brother. Then, we went in the mountains outside the capital. He drove and i felt spite for not driving more like he has been done for years... We returned after 2 h. He was telling me about his business plan and latest arguments with my father. To be frank, i didn't care much but i amazed myself that i pretend very good that i do. I realised i never cared much about other ppl. I found myself faking so much i care when they tell me about their life, even my family. I am a bad person. When i was in the car i kept daydreaming of the life i will have... one day... that maybe i will get lucky.. and crap alike. I realised that all my life i kept waiting for life to hand me stuff. oofofofofofofofofofofoofof Forgot to meditate. Hang out with my family. Drank some beer and ate with them. My sister returned from Greece. She was in vacation with her BF and his family. She brought me a branch of rosemary, there it grows like crazy. I trim it and put smaller sections in a jar with water. Today Fapped again in the morning. Laid in bed scrolling on the internet and thought - is this my life??? - what am i waiting for? - what am i waiting for to jump out of bed? Pathetic. Why am i watching this shit on news? Why am i not reading a book or exercising or smth? What is wrong man? Woke up at 11, did some gardening and had lots of negative thoughts. Prepared the tea for kombucha. Potted the plants my mom run over a few weeks ago. Continued to feel like shit. So much problems with myself to fix... Drove with brother. Need to do it more often. Returned to the new house. Met some ppl living here. There are 14 ppl living in this house. A few french guys and girls, an american, a spanish guy, i think someone from italy and so on. We will have a BBQ tomorrow night and i will meet them all. Cooked some veggies with oyster meat, peas, carrots, asparagus and butter. Quite delicious. Planted some basil from home. Did my routine and felt some more like shit. I should this and that... left and right. Feels weird i moved here. I visited this place two years ago. Didn't think i will be here one day and i will cook and sleep and have my own room. Wow. I thought i need to be super cool or smth like that. I dont remember. I thought what would my parents say and so on. I am not in the mood for the massage class this Tuesday. Not in the mood for work. Blah blah. Oh, one really good think i did this last 2 months is that i stopped buying lunch at work. It makes a huge difference. I cant believe how much money i saved.

Hey I feel better since yesterday. I didnt even cough much. I finished what i had to do for work. It was hard and i kept procrastinating. But i am glad i finished it. My supervisor was happy i did. I was anxious im not working fast enough. I want to move out today but i am procrastinating on packing and preparing. Didn't tell my family about it. I know they wont approve. Fapped last night. Couldn't abstain anymore. Haven't in a long while. I had an epiphany afterwards: oh, that's it i ejaculated now i want to do smth else. I cleaned myself and continued to read Primal Blueprint. Like nothing happened. I remember last summer for example how i was chasing sex with ex. Basically putting my best behaviour just for another day to see her. And for what? I havent improved much. I am really stupid. Today while i did 150 abs exercises again, i thought how hard i wanted to keep being with ex just to have a gf and sex. But after the desire is consumed my life stays the same. Nothing changed. I have most of the problems i always had because i didnt work on them. It is so fucking clear now. I realised i should focus on more tangible changes in my life right now. For example i can focus on fasting, paleo and exercise. Things i wanted for years. Faster results then starting a book yet again on confidence or dating - just for some more mental masturbation. I find it easier to fix other areas in my life now. Why would i start fasting now, which i find it quite easy instead of reading ambiguous books on confidence and other BS. They are useful but not yet. I want to show to my subconscious i am actually improving. I went yesterday to fix my glasses. They got crooked on one side. I was ashamed to wear crooked glasses for months. The lady fixed them in minutes. WTF. I should have make the time to get rid of this problem months ago. I watched some movies yesterday. I ate lots of potatoes. Yet, i didn't went to buy junk. Good. From Monday i am starting my first summer i will be working a real job. Feels unreal. Last two summers i spent working for my family. I was miserable. Feels ages ago. I remember how anxious i was to even try to get a job back then. I remember how disapproving my father was. I remember he and my brother saying i will be a slave. Better be slave for them, right? That job ate my days, time, and motivation a lot. I am glad i left. All family was disapproving of me moving out two months ago as well. I know they are my family but feels bad for not being supported more by them. Why do they wish me to fail sometimes? Yet, i feel the same. I feel envy when another person is succeeding. I am at the end of Primal Blueprint. Reading it slowly actually helped me to keep remembering what i am doing. I think i started it 2 months ago. What else? Nothing. I feel i am not good enough everyday. I have the same negatives thoughts and so on. I am just repeating myself. I feel bad each day for some reason or another. Nothing new.

Hey I kept coughing since yesterday. I also have a huge headache right now. I think i might have got COVID again. Did some more ad groups and ads for that account. I meditated for 21min, 150 abs and back exercises. I pushed myself. i didnt want to. I didn't cook or drive as i wanted. I will do more ads. I should have finished what i had to do a few days ago. It is a tricky account. My first set of ads wasn't good for his website links. I think i will go for the 6th BJJ lesson this Friday night. Only if i feel better. Same for swimming on Saturday. I still feel super weird to move to that place this weekend. They organise a welcome event for every new person there. That is quite cool. One of the owners, the guy who showed me around was pretty cool. He is also into plants. He told me in summer the house is full of ppl who stay just one week, a month or more. Digital nomads and so on. Pretty cool. From autumn the ppl who live longer come back. Feels good to start my summer holidays on a different schedule than last year. I am not working for my parents but for myself now. It feels so good. I hope i dont forget this. This will be the 1st summer i work a real job.

Hey I had some urges to fap last 2 days. Interesting. Haven in a while. I officially graduated second year of horticulture Two more to go =)) I passed at everything. My father pointed out to me yesterday that finishing second year is an achievement. I didnt think of it much. Today it was last day of practice. I didn't wait to stay at uni until 14 so i told to the professor that i am working. I worked four hours pruning the vines with a short break only. I was surprised to see my colleagues taking many breaks and feeling tired. Didn't find the work very demanding. I was also surprised how little effort they put in working. Interesting. I learned that the vines and grapes at our university are full of pesticides. My hands were black by the end. Some ppl got skin irritations because the chemicals they used on these plants. Oh, and i got even worse opinion of myself by remembering more stuff i didnt do by age 22. So much shit. Than, i thought let's at junk food but what for? Those problems will still be there and i will be short of money and fatter. WTF. Yes, it sucks but is not a solution to eat my negative thoughts away. I have them all the time. I cant afford to give up a few times a day =))))))))))))))))) BTW, yesterday i felt better after driving. But i stayed at home too much afterwards. Ooooooooof I will live in another place by this time next week. I wonder how it will be like. I got used here. But man, those cockroaches are super disgusting and annoying =)))))))))

Hey Felt bad today. Couldn't help but think of all the stuff i struggle with in my life. I thought of the stuff i am proud and felt better. But after some more time worse. I dont know what to tell you. I am not content with the things i have not done. I need to do them. I am still behind. Yesterday went to see the place i want to move this weekend. Is smaller than i thought when i saw the house while drank 2 years ago almost =)))) Also not as clean as i remember, but again i was drunk. Didnt see bugs so i am OK so far. Felt excited on my way there. Still cant believe i will move out soon. I hate i am not driving more. So i decided to go home and drive instead of BJJ. Went home and drove. Harder route again. My parents should be leaving tomorrow in a short vacation. They had an argument yesterday because my father didnt like my mom's attitude when she sad smth =))))))))))))))))))))))))) I talked with mom about fasting. She is doing one day per week for jesus. My brother said that i must have lots of free time if i start that massage course. I smiled. I dont. I was surprised to see he thinks is very busy. Interesting.

A few hours later, around 21:30 i felt dizzy and almost like puking. Decided to go stop here. Ate a lot. I am surprised with myself. I will do it again. It was interesting. Felt good most of time time. So i did almost 2 days on fasting. Nice.

Hey I am still going strong. But i chewed on some gum and didnt even realise it has sugar. Also, yesterday i drank kombucha when i arrived home from uni. Not sure if this broke my fast or not. IDK. If it didnt i haven't ate in over a day and a half. I had some moderate urges to eat last night, low this morning, moderate around noon, then strong around 15:00. I drank lots of hot tea. I noticed last night i get hungry after water. Overall, i find nofap much more difficult than fasting =)))))))))))))))))))) I mean hungers goes away and that's it. I had some mild headaches. I felt some pain in my chest. Besides this all is very good. I feel very chill. I didnt pee like crazy. I didnt crave water much. Weird. I expected to be harder. I went to uni and worked in the vineyard, did my ab exercises, meditated, walked, went to work. I feel fine. A little tired but is weird to do this on purpose. If it was not a goal would be harder. I used to get sick if i didnt eat in the morning. Is like i react completely differently to fasting if i do it on purpose.

Hey I had a hard time to fall asleep. Woke up around 5. Fell asleep again a few times. Ate two raw eggs and drank two glasses of Kombucha. Went to university. I was late. Worked a little until it started raining. All of us left. I felt very in my head. I was so envious seeing my colleagues leaving with their cars, and so on. Some annoying girls i used to talk last year when i was bored noticed i am very distant and cold. I dont remember what i said to them after this. Arrived home and felt worse than before. I have so many problems to fix and so many things i want to do. It's fucked up. How could i be so stupid? So many things i just gave up and daydreamed one day .... But that day i will fix x or y doesn't come. Is so frustrating. I thought to eat junk food to cope today but for what? I will feel even worse if i do. I will have to spend money to feel like shit and also gain weight. I dont even find peace in giving up anymore. I just know that i will feel like shit afterwards and problems are still there. Took a shower. Drank two glasses of kombucha. Decided to try my hand at intermittent fasting. yesterday i ate at noon for example. I dont feel like eating today. I will use this to do a 12h fasting or even a day. Would be cool. Went to work at 12. Felt bored to be honest. Did some work to pass the time. Not much to work at work. This frustrates the shit out of me for months. I feel weird to get paid and not have lots of stuff to do. Is not right. A colleague said you seem very upset today. You barely said anything. I told him that he returned from his vacation in Spain too happy and he is imagining stuff now. =)))))))))))))))))))) But yes, i was upset. I don't see how could i be ok knowing how much time i wasted, how many things i have to do and so on. I am literally behind in life. I am fucking afraid to drive, how stupid is this?????? I looked at the ppl around me at work and university. How can they be so chill while they all have stuff they wish to accomplish? They too have desires. Aren't they also suffering not working on them like i do? Aren't they feeling like going insane for not working on their goals harder? It was interesting to see one of them at university around the topic of smoking. He was very proud to quit smoking. He said over a month. I thought i dont smoke, drink coffee, vape, drink soda daily etc and still think my progress so far isnt good enough. Bought some oysters, water, carrots and potatoes. This will be a loooong week so i decided to buy them now. It has never been so easy as it is now to not eat junk food. It feels unreal to not give in junk food when i feel bad. I haven't ate for 7 h. I don't feel hungry. I felt once but it passed. I drank tea. Not much water either. I don't feel thirsty. I feel quite good now :). When i arrived home i thought i should eat because i arrived home, not for hunger. =)))))))))))))

Hey Went home. Stopped to speak with brother and father. They are stressed cuz the family business isn"t going well. Drove for a while straight away. Some mistakes and i didn't pay attention to all pedestrians. I didn't want to drive but i know i need practice. I was glad i forced myself. I harvested some cucumbers. I drank some wine, kombucha, ate meat and potatoes. I prepared F2 with strawberries, mint and watermelon. My gypsy neighbours who live in the basement from the place i moved in had a big party in the front yard. Horrible. They blasted music all day. I feel better. The hangover i felt this morning is gone. I am glad to be back on track. I am still shocked that i wasted soooooooo much fucking time. I am either productive or a sloth. If i stray a little by watching a movie or smth i quit personal development just like that. I restarted revising flashcards on Anki. I have been revising the decks for dutch, new words in english and the ones i made to learn plants for uni. I do this when im in the subway or having a break. But for some reason i haven't months prior. I was miserable. Can't believe another week passed by so fast. I was productive. I wanted to quit many times. Is hard but rewarding. My friend from uni asked me if i want to join a trip to Greece or Italy in September. Sounds good. We will go very cheap. It will be interesting. I feel very lazy to move out this weekend. I kept thinking to move to other places as well.

Hey I found the pic above after i ate some watermelon which has too much sugar.

Hey Yesterday i didn't go to swim. Woke up really early without an alarm. I listened to a podcast about fasting. I went home, worked a little in the garden, drove, hang out with sis and mom. Brought smth to eat to my father. Met with a friend afterwards. Drank lots of beer, ate a pork ramen soup and walked for hours. An app from my phone says we walked 36,81 km. We talked at one point about the people who used to be professional athletes in their youth but they still speak about it very often. Like just that part of their life meant smth. I thought of myself. I spoke of my time in NL a lot. I spoke of ex so much, and i still think of her. Is my life that miserable that that an unhappy relationship was the highlight of my life? Now, i notice i speak about my flatmates a lot. I staid at his place. I woke up at 10, listened to a podcast and waited for him to wake up. I felt very angry on myself for drinking that much and sleeping so much. I wanted to eat junk food right away but i realised this will make me feel worse. It wont fix anything. Why spent the rest of the day watching tv series and eating junk food. I dont want that. To say this was a shock for myself. I am used to give in. I remembered last time i staid at his place and felt the same thing but didnt really realise until now. After i left i stoped and ate some shit food.

Hey I have been lazy on working for my job last few days. I learned how to graft at university. It was interesting. I finished Food of the Gods. It was eye opening. Lots of insights. I am almost finishing Laws of Human Nature. Yesterday i was very frustrated and upset that i dont have patience to read those books. I just wanted to leave in dreamland. I want to read a book about fasting. I missed day 54 of meditation. I kept delaying and fell asleep. I saw a college from university who gained lots of muscles. I thought he gained everything since last year. He has been going to the gym for 4 years.Wow. Now, i am fixed to build muscles as well. I havent made a decision yet, if i will start now or later. I dont know. I am thinking of it a lot lately. Anyways, one of his friends asked me about Erasmus. That guy is living to study for 5-6 months this autumn. When the gym guy heard i am going next summer in Belgium for an internship acted in a manner of absolute envy and spite. I was shocked. I told them i dont know what to do about erasmus next year. I can leave in summer to work in Belgium and then to NL to study for 6 months. I am afraid the ppl from this current job wont want me back after living for 8-9 months. They said that stuff might change in a year. I can stop liking this job. They said that i will have time to work for the rest of my life but never to leave with Erasmus. I needed to hear this.