Everyday

hey colleagues at work complimented me for eating healthy. i wanted to tell them i literally ate sweets a night before. i was surprised how they see me. lol. they also think i started going to the gym because i use a gym bag when i go to the massage course. lol. felt stupid at work. did some more headlines and descriptions for an account. same work as yesterday. my colleagues have more accounts and calls with their clients. not me... they must think i suck at my work. the mock exam at the massage course was ok. i need to study more. i knew this already. feeling like fraud for not studying more. not practicing more. felt some more like shit. missed having a gf today in particular. wrote down again what i felt and thought and i got tired. same shit all the time. blah blah blah. what are my goals for the 23rd year of my miserable life? hmm. last year i wished to get driver id, fix my work ethic and keep ex relationship. i got driver id and got a job and so on. dont have the last one but is ok. i think is a big win i re-started to work out and the massage course and also BJJ. this year i want to get sex, drive to the mountains and to work alone, buy some better clothes and work out at least once a week. that is overall. all of this goals are a big thing for me. what else? i went out with my colleagues from work for a break. they started speaking how they are trying to quit smoking and all the tactics they used so far. wow. i dont smoke! i dont have to deal with that. i found it funny that i dont even know the cigarette brands they talked about lol. next week is my mom's b-day. 52-53 next monday i start the second module of the massage course. it will be 3 times a week for 14 weeks? i think she meant 7 actually. starting uni at the end of the month. not happy about that shit. i worry to skipp work constantly to go there. my 3rd year wow. i think this summer was the best i had so far. didnt think so a few weeks ago. overall, i grew a lot and i was productive despite some shortcomings. in the end i have done more than i even thought i want to do. or that i will do. it was a good summer in the end. yes, it could have been better but i still pushed myself. i will remember this summer. moved out twice, reconciled with high school friends, a few trips, 1st time in a hostel, making new memories, the massage course, working out, cooking and so on. wasnt that bad in the end even if i couldnt stop complaining. i didnt imagine i will start a massage course this year, that i will move twice, that i will drive more, that i will stay in a hostel and meet new ppl, that i saw new ways to live, that i started again to work out, that i got this ppc job, that i had a more beautiful garden than last year, that cooked weekly now, that i am making smoothies in the morning and fasting. cool man. also finished 2nd year of uni.

Hey big smoothie in the morning didnt hang out with ppl at the house to study instead. i did 5 sets of 10 pushups each. different types. 100 abs 10 squats was ok at work. i made some stupid mistake last week. i changed it now. received my salary. they forgot to send it to me. at lunch at work i ate some of the meat i made at the BBQ yesterday. i wear my new watch my family got me at work. felt good. didnt even know how to set the time. learned from yt. learned that at 23. jesus. got some food and cooked. ate some sweets and watched last episodes of rick and morty. while i was cooking a flatmate asked me how i see myself at 32. i acted normal but wanted to run away... how do i see myself? better than now hopefully.... i would hate to wake up again with same problems i have now. i almost felt like crying at work thinking how stupid and behind in life i am. can you even imagine there are ppl at 19-20 who drive more than me?! how stupid am i at 23 to still struggle at this. that is nuts. same for sex and relationships. ppl years younger than me are crushing it. look at me! i am a fucking mess! im pathetic. there is a 17 year old kid at my job working part-time at seo who wears shirts each day. and here i am at 23 and i owe only a few. dont even feel ok to wear them. what am i doing? i moved twice this year for a whim. here i am not even affording to join my flatmates more often. i survive here, more than living. i spent money or rent for what? i still suck at driving! i am living next year. what is the plan to suck at driving even then? i can say i lived in different places but who cares? i still cant drive. i am turning 24 next year and then 25. that's it. in a while i will be 30 and that's it. i will have to achieve even more. more more more. and i cant even drive well at 23! jesus! when i went to the aqua park with my flatmates i saw a guy around 18 who was ripped. that guy! younger than me! Why am i not him ? look at you at 23 and re-starting to work out recently.... pathetic. what am i waiting for/? i am 23 and have most of the problems i had at 19. i am ashamed of what i have not achieved. is nothing. i wasted time. moving in a house to pay rent in the same city i live =))))))) what the fuck? 3 months of living away and i am still not driving much much better and so on. i am a fucking child. a man child. i am a mess. couldnt even hold a relationship. acted like a child. took me years just to do driving school. years just to ask some girl out. can you believe i did 8 years of french in HS and still cant speak it ???????!!!!! w t f ?????? i could have paid more attention. returned 2 years from nl and stopped learning dutch. wtf. last year around this time i was so miserable, working for my family and doing nothing else much. trying to maintain a failing relationship.... how could i sit on my ass for so long? i feel i am going crazy. how could i be so lazy? i am going insane when i think i am already 23 and i dont have the life i want .

hey one of the guys from HS asked me when the BBQ will be =)))) i told him i am busy to study for that exam and that i will postpone it. So they ditch me before my b-day, refuse to make a bbq same week ad now they want one? ahahhahahaha I am low on money, i have to pay for the BBQ with my family as well. Not going to jump into more spending. I also need to cook smth for this week.

hey wasted whole day. watched tv movie recaps on YT. fapping too. Meditated and did 100 abs exercises. fasted until 19.00. tomorrow is that BBQ with family. i have to be home at 17 to prepare everything some of the foreigners i hanged out yesterday went to take a trip in the mountains this weekend. i refused mainly because i couldn't afford it. my sister found a place to stay in italy excited to work out tomorrow. i want to do some pull ups i missed some meditation and abs days again took a warm shower when i was away this week. took a cold one, a medium one, and one almost very cold. i decided not to quit just because of inconsistency. 2 years ago i gave up after taking a warm shower once. i made some progress in some areas. none in other areas. i was pondering moving back home to save money. i cant afford to do all i want to do over here. it helps me meet new ppl and so on but is too expensive for me.

Heya Spent Thursday at home mostly. Left from this house around noon after surfing the internet and complaining. Went home and drove with brother for 2h during busy hours. I was a disaster again. Close to hit pedestrians... I complained i suck at driving. He told me to drive mooooooooooooore. Spent time with family. The vibe was tense because my sister is living to Italy by the end of September. She couldn't find a place to stay yet. My father is very stressed. Went to work yesterday. I fell asleep with my head on my desk. Stared for hours at my screen getting lost in negative thoughts. It was horrible. Afterwards, i left with some girls to a water park. One of the girls is the one i took a trip with last weekend. It was so fun. Met with a guy and his friend there. I spoke with them about feeling not enough etc. One of them said i look said all the time. I said of course, havent done more with my life. I was ashamed to be specific because my motives are stupid to say it out loud. They told me is nonsense to have these worries at 23. One of them is 26 and the other 38. They told me i have enough time to change my life. That i should be more positive while improving myself. They are right but feels impossible. Then, me and those guys went drinking in the old town. We got drank and hit some clubs. I havent been in clubs for like 2 years. His friends liked fat girls. He was hitting on them hard and getting numbers. I was shocked how confident he was with his tastes. I felt not good enough to approach shit. I was surprised how confident everyone seemed there. I spoke with the girls about my friends from HS ditching me before my b-day. The girls said they dont get why i am even friends with them. Why would you surround yourself with some ppl that dont inspire you? That is stupid. I know! They told me complaining about them is nonsense, just ditch them! I mean you are telling us about not travelling enough but you surround yourself about ppl who dont travel. Who are lazy and boring. That is so fucking right, man! After going out with those guys in the old town i realised my friends from HS are a waste of time. They dont even go clubbing! They dont approach girls and dont push themselves in any way. Wow. I surrounded myself with better ppl. I like to make stupid jokes with them but i dont need to travel with them. Or see them often. Still didnt study for that massage exam. Fuck.

The weekend trip was really fucking awesome. Lots of challenges. I stayed 1st time at a hostel with a bunch of foreigners. Fasted a lot, had fun and pushed my comfort zone. The place we visited it was more beautiful than i expected. I should have traveled alone more. Staying at hostels and seeing new places. I told her i feel i havent done much with my life so far. She just told me to do stuff! Simple! She is right, i know i know.

Hey When i turned 23 i was downstairs with the guy i play ping pong and drink and the girl i went in vacation with. He was telling me about being in court, as a jury. Smth about a pedophile case. They thought i am 26-27 because i look older. Imagine being that stupid as i am now at 27. Fuck.... Last year i was with family, by siblings' S.O., a relative and my ex. My sister wont get vaccinated because her boyfriend's parents dont let her to. They are against it. My sister chose to not get vaccinated. Such a stupid choice. Jesus. On Friday, before i left i did 60 pushups and 250 abs. That's good! I feel as stupid as i was at 22 =))))) I have a lot to change. I am really unremarkable and miserable. I can do better. Much fucking better. I think i will go to work this Friday

Hey The weekend trip was really fucking awesome. Lots of challenges. I stayed 1st time at a hostel with a bunch of foreigners. Fasted a lot, had fun and pushed my comfort zone. The place we visited it was more beautiful than i expected. I should have traveled alone more. Staying at hostels and seeing new places. By the end of the trip i realised it was stupid to take a week off work to go same places i went with high school friends again. The trip with them which was supposed to last from Monday to Friday was a disaster. We just got drunk and couldnt go tracking anymore. One of them got sick after combining alcohol with milk. The others said it's time to leave earlier. So they just fucked off one day before my b-day. WTF. I took off a week for this disaster? We had same jokes we make in the city as well. We didnt even have what to do there since i lost the count of times i visited those places. What a waste of time. They spoke about NYE, guess where? same fucking town! Jesus. I had an idea to go alone for NYE in another country. Not going to join them and that's for sure.

Hey I was playing some card games with my flatmates last night and then ping pong again. Woke up tired as fuck. Arrived at work close to 10 instead of 9. Worked quite good. Almost finished everything i had to do so i wont need to do anything tomorrow. Almost anything. I ate junk food two times today. fuck. went with flatmates in town to hang out. it was really fun. i was actually enjoying being there. weird for me. not fully but you get the point. came home, hanged out and than played ping pong. Decided for some trips with them as well. Living for a 5 day trip with friends this Monday. It will be fun. Dont know when i will have time for fucking studying massage but yeah =))) I think i will go to take a 2 day trip tomorrow with a girl from this place. Did meditation and abs.

Hey Woke up with difficulty. Managed to fall asleep late. Took a cold shower. 250 abs. No breakfast. Went to work and finished the stranger while searching for search terms in my campaigns. Did the same last two days. Then, i started setting up smart shoppings campaigns. I want to finish them by the time i leave. Checked my phone a trillion times. Scrolled on instagram and facebook a lot. Felt i dont have air to breath. Felt i couldn't stay in one place and work. The book "The stranger" hit me hard. What was the point of many of the things i did? I moved in this house but still struggle to drive. Driving is a fucking skill and i didnt practice more because i decided to move out on a whim. Yes, is cool to talk about moving twice this year and the ppl i met but still, is not a skill. It was not very hard to move here or there. I mean really, really hard. Keep this in mind. But there are other stuff i didnt do which are harder. The realisation that my life was much the same in Belgium, Netherlands and here was the nail on the coffin. I struggle with the same insecurities and problems for years, regardless the country i live in. That is sad. What was the point in moving in i could very well fix my problems at home? Yeah, cool you moved in that place but so what? Can you drive? Can you stop wearing ill fitted clothes? Can you date a girl? No, i cant. What was the point then? Paying rent to avoid my problems from home. Brilliant... what can i say What was the point of being nice and caring if i am not in contact with those ppl anymore? What is the point in being nice if it wont help you in the long term? Why helping ppl if it wont really matter? What was the point in moving in this house if i am still not working on the deepest problems i have? What was the point of doing this random or that cool thing or reading that book? The topic of relationship and sex came up to. Is ridiculous to even start on these topics. I thought i am turning 23 next week. I will be 30 in a few years. What i do every day is how i spent my 23rd year of my life. From this perspective feels stupid to surf the internet after work. What i choose to do each week and year is how i spent my years. Not much time to do everything i plan to do. Regardless if i choose to eat healthy, sleep, be productive or not time will pass. I feel like a big failure. I dont see how i will be the person i want with that many years wasted behind me. I am stupid to the bone. How could i postpone for years to learn to drive? What was i waiting for? There is no one coming to save me, to offer help or growth. I am all alone. I am waiting for the life i want to have to come to me. It will never. Everything will be the same after i return from Belgium next summer. Yeah.... Updates: Read my entries from 5 months ago. Horrible. I cant truly understand what was i thinking.. I was a mess. I feel i have grown last few months. But still, i have a lot more room for growth. I am improving myself but is hard to keep a happy attitude when i see how much i need to work on. I should have started yeeeeears ago. I am stupid and i was stupid.

Hey Very tired at work as well. Hard to keep my shit together. Felt bored. Started to listen Albert Camu's The Stranger. I resonate with that character. I have a loooong way to become better. Ate junk food 3 times today. Thought again to quit living here and start traveling. Met with friends from HS. We are going to the mountains for 5 days next week. One of them got a warning for jaywalk. Afterwards, we could stop laughing how funny it would be for him to do it again in front of the police officer. Or that the police would block his car while they were talking =)))))))) Came home and played ping pong with two flatmates until past midnight. We talked shit and it was really funny.

Hey Went in the mountains with my friend yesterday. He arrived later cuz his nephew turned off his alarms. We started drinking while hiking =)))))))))))) He kept stopping because was drank and had to wait for him. I returned for him after some time and found him sleeping on the trail between weeds and the cliff's end =))))))) Decided to go back. He kept stopping and talking shit =))))))))) It got really annoying after some time Feel asleep on my desk at work for a few seconds =)))) Almost threw my mouse off the desk when i woke up=))) While i was in the train i checked a running guide for beginners. I was blown away by the fact you can start running just a few minutes in the beginning, a few times a week. Seriously? Is that easy? Cant be =)))))))))) Kept thinking more shit about myself as usually. Made a long list with all the things i suck at. I think i will move back home Went home today, after work. Drove for some time. Drove like an ass. Eh. Going to drive more bro. Spent some time with mom and dad. Thanked them for their help, dinner and for watering my plants in my absence.

Hey Saturday, Forgot to pay my phone bill so i had no data when i went swimming. I checked my old notes. I realised that i have been improving my self in the last few months. I see results. I see what i have accomplished. Yet, im hungry for moooooore!

Hey Woke up late since i was drinking with my friend from uni and my flatmates. Refused to hang out with friends from HS yesterday. My friend congratulated me for living in this place compared with the last one. He noticed i am more relaxed and outgoing. I remarked this as well. He told me i made a smart choice to move here. He spoke lots of shit and so on. He told me about his travels from last month. He went to Italy, Croatia, Serbia and so on Cooked sausages with butter, carrots, cauliflower and broccoli. Added hemp and a bunch of seeds later. Did nothing for work. Just spent time surfing the internet and thinking negative stuff about myself Did some exercises: 250 abs, etc. Felt so great afterwards! I could have done this sooner man. Felt good im improving myself. Is hard but i am getting better. Maybe go to swim tomorrow morning. Oh, at the massage class yesterday some religious guy started speaking about his nonsense. He was so blinded by his faith... I got in an argument with him and then regretted. It was a mistake. He is sick. Another colleague did the same. Oh, one of the girls from the massage course told me about her reiki experience. Thinking to try that as well. She gave me a book and told me how reiki works. Interesting. My mom and aunt tried this as well.

Heyooo Last night at massage we worked on pressure points. Very interesting. There are three of them on the ass. We teemed boys with boys and girls with girls. Yes, i touched a guy pressure points on his butts and he did the same ahahha =)))))) That tinder girl asked me what am i doing around 19:00, why i dont respond. Left the class at 21.40 and called my father to talk with him about some stuff. I messaged her afterwards and she was like "did you touch some girl butt???????????????". I found it funny since is a massage course. I massaged girls before at this course. So i said yes because i found her question funny. She said k and didnt say anything else ahahahahha. Funny stuff man =)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Arrived at home and watched some stuff online. Couldnt focus on reading about fasting. Did groceries this morning. Passed by the hotel i celebrated one year with ex. Bought shit food. Laid in pain in bed. I saw this restriction button on instagram and thought to add it for my ex's profile. I didnt check her in months. She just posed a picture from a vacation with her boyfriend. I felt like crying and desperate. She said she never posted pics of exes on her profile because ppl might talk after seeing boyfriend after boyfriend. But she posted with him??? wut. Checked her facebook profile, 1st time in months. She had even more posts there as well. But i liked the picture in the end and got more determination to keep working on myself. In the end is good for her and for me. I wanted to dump her in the future anyways. I still feel bad about not being more developed for my age, having more skills and more experience etc. But that's nothing new bro =)))

Heya I was working and stressing when that girl kept messaging me. I finally understood what ex felt when i was messaging her so often. I must have thought what ex was thinking: doesn't this person have smth to do? Anything? She was very annoying. I must have been the same... I drank with flatmates last night. One guy from UK returned home. We also hang out with a girl from US staying here for a month. Went to bad at 3am. Drank and smoked. Woke up, shower and straight to work. Ate at work the peaches I bought Monday. Ate them with some Brazilian nuts. Delicious. Mhmmm. I had a period when i was snaking a lot at work. Dont know why. No i dont feel very hungry overall. Completed routine after the massage class. It was an interesting class. Refused colleagues to hang out. Why do they fucking go out almost every day? Arent they also feeling underdeveloped and going crazy like me? When of them broke up recently, wasnt that a boost? I wanted to come home and read more from fasting book. To do my routine and take a break. Arrived home and hanged out a lil bit with flatmates. We talked about our day. I was the only one who had a long day. They chilled mostly. Smoked a little with them. I am looking forward to exercise again. Cant wait to make it routine. I need to buy some fruits, meat and eggs to cook again.

Hey Went to work and was super confused of some task in DV360. Still get errors. Fuck that shit. Ate with together with two girls from work. Bought some peaches and hummus. I brought food from home and they where like oh, is so delicious. And they found amazing that i just made up the "recipe", just mixing a bunch of stuff together. I never thought of it as a big deal. They struggle to cook constantly and apparently have no idea what ingredients to add more. One of them is vegetarian for many years but never heard of the seeds and stuff i am eating. Shocking. My superviser told to another PPC girl to do like i say jokingly to get over it. Is a joke from a few months ago. I wont explain it here again. So she said but he said this when one morning i told him i look terrible and he agreed. She said she abstained to not attack my appearance even if she could. I felt like shit. The PPC superviser said i used to come with dirty nails from practice after uni. That i am not taking care of myself and that's why i dont have a GF. This hit really hard... That i should take care of myself more and clean myself.... I had a fun day at the massage class. Arrived quite late. I worried for not studying more. The guy i was making a team with annoyed me. We talked about age again. I am second youngest. They all said i am just a kid. Wow. Am I ? I feel quite stupid and unaccomplished for my age. Thought more today how many things i lack and i got quite depressed. I need to get better. I am still sore from last workout. Did abs this morning. I realised i could have done pushups each morning... But i was stupid and did nothing instead. So fucking simple to stay in shape.. if you want to tho.... That girl from insta kept massaging me. She feels as desperate as am I. What else? fapping like crazy but kept taking cold showers. Waiting for my hair to grow even more. Is annoying now. Oh, i did a 24h fast! i felt amazing! Only drank a little kombucha at night. Had a delicious breakfast. I didnt feel like overeating today. In two weeks is my b-day and my friends proposed to take a week of work and have fun in the mountains. Idk. Dont feel like it.

Hey After the massage class i went to buy sweets and other food. To my amazement i was contemplating buying some cigarets as well. WTF? I thought why not feel worse? WOW. It was alright. I was tired and didnt feel like eating. I overate later that day and i was still feeling like crap. I didnt even do any work. Watched YT, fapped and ate shit. I listened to what other ppl had to say like my sister's boyfriend who was annoying me. Told my family i am going to move the house i already live in. They didnt appear as shocked as i expected. They think i live with that couple =))) I didnt feel that bad for being single like at her b-day like previously. And hahaha turns out no one in my family likes my brother's girlfriend. =))))))) Not even my mom. She usually tells us to hide the food when she comes over =)))))) She is saying it on a very serious note =))))))))))))) My father barely can abstain from criticising her =))))))))) While i was working on Thursday from home i started thinking of trying my lack on Tinder. I used just one picture, the only good one i got. Got some matches and one of the girls even sent me her number. I dont find her very attractive but why not? I feel very anxious talking to her. Clueless. Yesterday, later the day i drove my sister around town to buy some stuff. I was anxious to drive and made some mistakes as usually. Also, drove over some flowers my father planted and started to lough like crazy =)))))) while he was very angry at me =))))))))))))))))) I fucking worked out a little bit. Some 200 abs, pull-ups, weights and push-ups. I didnt feel much afterwards but today the soreness hit me. I have been overthinking working out for 4 years.... Didnt even take long and i feel so proud now. I am so stupid sometimes. I walked under the push up bar for years but didnt think to do some once a week or sometimes even. That is ridiculous. It didnt even take me long. That is ridiculous I complained so much about not exercising and still didnt fucking exercise. I fucking have a pull up bar in my room from home =))))))) and didnt think to use it occasionally. Seriously? Waiting for what? To one day start exercising in some magical way? Yeah, one day my ass.... Last night i invited my high school friends over. We played some game with some other ppl living here, and it was nice. I feel bad for seeing them too often and not working on my shit but still, i had fun. Wednesday the other boss returned from vacation and bought pizza and soda for all. I ate like a pig. Also, yesterday twice. Made a smoothie in the morning and felt so good. I have been fasting since then. Hanger disappeared.

Hey bro Very tired both days. I was falling asleep at work and at the massage group. Today is my sis's b-day and i went this morning to the massage class instead of tonight. I vibe more with those people, especially the girls. Too bad the one who was showing me the most interest is married =))). I am still tense while doing massage. Going 2night home for my sis b-day. Took more cold showers. It was hard this time. Fasted, skipped the breakfast for two days. But continued to fap blah blah sweets and wasting money

Hey I feel a little better. Another smoothie for work. Went to work and it was fine. Did well but still stupid mistakes. Took some notes on what to pay attention on. Met with my friends from high school at an art exhibition. One of them asked me about my gf and to show a pic of her. I did. He didnt say a thing. Afterwards, i felt bad but not sure why. Maybe for being alone? The guy who broke up with his gf recently had to meet with her for someone's b-day. He seemed to suffer at some level. He said they broke up a few times already but i think they will get back together. He didnt seem to agree and had that desperation and disgust in his eyes i had. To be honest i am shocked to hear they had problems and he cant stand her either. I thought this guy is at the top of his game or smth and they will be happy. Also, i am extremely surprised he didnt find another girl already. Maybe his ex did? Another one said he cant hang out on weekends because he is seeing with his gf. Some more cold showers and ab exercises. I feel bad for not reading more by myself as i used to do. Made another smoothie for work.

Hey At least i am taking cold showers again. Two ppl from the massage group asked me how old i am. They were both 45. Wow. They said they feel old and that i am extremely young. One of them said he cant remember what he was doing at 23. I am turning 23 next month. I feel old at the moment. I felt the same at 20. Took half of my smoothie to work. Delicious. Ate with the others today from what i cooked myself. Second day in a row. They got amazed i m cooking. I was surprised. Had the same conversation with them before. Is not a big deal for me. Just cooking.

Hey Woke up very tired. Went to work and was scolded for not finishing already what it had to be done weeks ago. Is TRUE. I didnt finish on Friday. Blah blah blah. Went to see my old flatmates. They are doing fine. It was fun. I lived there 2 months. Feels ages ago. I was living there two weeks ago. Man, these ppl from my high school are going out each fucking day. They are shocked i told them i am busy to hang out today, tomorrow, and for the following days. I used to admire and envy on of them for saying the same thing. But now, after he quit university or was expelled he seems to take it tooo easy. I am surprised he didnt went crazy like me after his break up. He seemed ok overall. I am surprised. I thought he would become more motivated. blah blah A girl from work asked me to bring her some cuttings of herbs from my garden a few weeks ago. I told her about my garden when we talked one time. Gave them to her today and she was very happy. I was taking lunch with her and the seo girl i wrote before. We had fun just speaking shit and making fun. But i thought how i dont truly care of whatever she was telling me. Same applies for everyone else. Went home and drove for some time. It feel some improvement. Talked with mom and dad. Diner with father, sis and her bf. Met with brother and his gf as well as with my sister and her bf. We spoke a little. My sister"s boyfriend was telling me about his dreams and so on. I didnt care much to be honest. Blah blah i will to this and that left and right blah blah. I was just making conversation. I thought of my ex and other ppl. I wasted so much time pretending in friendships and relationships- and for what? blah blah some other nonsense and speaking shit. I am still growing my hair for a new haircut. It looks terrible right now. I will keep working on myself.

Hey bro So in high school i had a crash on a girl and she liked me a lot. She told me she loves me. I was so afraid i didn't even ask her out. One of my friends met her right around the time i wanted to ask her out. I got friend-zoned. They had a 5 years relationship which ended a few weeks ago. He is one of the guys i met this week. When i heard i have to say i was happy to hear. I daydreamed being with her now. One of the reason i stopped hanging out with my friends from high school was this couple. I hated to see them together, her telling me how amazing he is and so on. I hated my life- not that now is much different. He got tired of her and now i am getting excited to pick up the pieces Seriously, man? Am i that pathetic? I must be, what else? =)))) Five years passed and i still suck in many areas. I barely started. Kept fapping. Porn blah blah. Consumed too much facebook and instagram. Studied anatomy and some flashcards on anki Read a little from the fasting book. No fasting this week Drove alone and with my sister. Gardening. Finally i fertilised and sprayed for insects my crops. I brought a few bags with herbs to use in smoothies each morning. I am excited. Wanted this for a long time. Told my family i want to home in the place i live now with all these ppl. They didnt react as bad as i expected. I also told them i have been going to BJJ for some time. They saw a scratch on my arm from Friday night. My brother seemed very envious and my mom asked him if he would like to join me there. He said he will gather more money and maybe he will join. He asked me again if i have too much free time. I got upset and told him i work more than him and i still have free time. How you dont have time man? He didnt replay and acted nice afterwards. I dont get him. I wanted to say well, you just spend all your free time with your gf and this is why you say you dont have any time for anything. But i changed my mind. Maybe he does indeed think he is very busy. He said your youth is for working and making money. But he works less than me and spends all his time with his gf. I wanted to point this to him but decided against. At least mom was happy for me. Later the day i felt bad for wasting time and thought of ex. I looked in a locked drawer and found the condoms i bought very excited to bang my gf when we were together. Decided to use them while fapping then to leave them there. I dont want them to expire and throw them away like i did a few months ago. I wont find someone else anytime soon. I am still accepting this. How much i wasted and how much i hated my life back then. I tried more to make her stay with me than i spent on myself overall. Very sad. I still do but i am making progress. I want to be more productive. I want to drive more and read more and do more and take more classes. More more more. Is very painful to realise that i am getting older and there is nothing waiting for me in the future. Just my routine. I am the only one who can give me what i want in life and this means a lot of pressure on me. One of the guys who moved here is from Argentina. He has been in Europe for three years. Moved here for fun. He said he got bored back home and he hates his current job right now. But he can travel so he doesnt care. He said he is a different person compared to a few years ago. Met with him in the kitchen and saw him eating unhealthy. I was shocked. I assumed a 28 year old guy travelling the world is this super actualised person and cares about eating right and blah blah. No. Just no. The life you have is the one you make. Nothing will change in the future. I have to change. Same for a guy from UK. He is lost in life, here just for fun. Same for a couple in their late 20's. What am i waiting for? Nothing will change next summer or afterwards or after college. Next week is my sister's b-day. She is turning 21. I forgot and talked with the boys to take a mountain trip. I will go one day i think. Just afterwards. I noticed i dont care so much as i used to about their opinion. Interesting. Also, i feel more relaxed after living here for 2 weeks than before. I feel more sociable. Interesting as well. I ate unhealthy last few days. At least i did my routine. Ate lots of sweets and passed out from stomach pain. Woke up around 5 am and meditated and finished my routine. I thought to ask my old friend from high school for gym and running advice. I would like run in the park once a week.