Everyday

Hey Drank again with flatmates. Went to bed late and woke up tired. Was late at work one hour. I feel really down and sad today. Going to keep pushing myself. Waiting for Thursday to run again. Waiting to work out again. To go home and drive. To work on my problems.

ehy Last night drank with the girl i went in vacation twice. She is living tomorrow. Tired at work. I was supposed to finish a campaign my Monday but i didnt even check my email. Massage course was alright. felt bad not studying more. I asked another new person to make my team with. Told ex happy b-day on facebook. To my surprise she responded and said thank you blah. I remembered i hated my life before, after her. I hated not having x or done y. Some of those things didnt change even know. I concluded is not about her. Is about me not having what i want. Is about building the life i want to have. So my problem was i was sharing a life i hated with another person. I can fix all of those points at some degree. What else? My sister arrived in Italy. Friend from HS is going abroad too. Wear a shirt at work and discovered a new way to wax my haircut to last longer.

Hey Saturday Didnt do much. Took a covid test at a clinic and god negative. Paid too much for that. Went home and drove. Hanged with family. Felt weird i didnt have what to do at home. It was too late for hardening and felt resistant to read smth. Sunday Went to watch a ballet play with some housemates. I was amazed by the work they put in! Live music and so on. Surprising. Afterwards, we had lunch. While i was eating i got a calendar notification written on 22nd of July: " message ex and say you understand now what being busy means blah blah blah". I dismissed the reminder and i thought is stupid lol. I wanted to message her at midnight when is her b-day but what is the point ? Someone else is leaving from here soon. Hanged with her for a few hours. I thought more of what i want to do with my life. I will be 30 in seven years. So much i want to do by then. Imagine the stress i havent done enough. What will i feel at 30??????? Makes me feel scared. This thoughts makes me feel inadequate about everything. Hard to enjoy life when i am thinking i should have used my time better. Another guy from uni in NL is coming to my city at the end of the month to visit. I want to go to laser tag with some ppl from the house in two weeks. Invited friends from HS. They were like i donnoo know if i will come blah blah blah. Yeah, that's why i have different friends for different purposes lol. Drove with brother. I felt very scared while driving today. What else? Feeling not good enough and comparing with ex. Compared with other ppl as well. Not new info on that either. blah blah

Hey Got a covid test and it was negative. I was relieved. Didnt work a bit yesterday. Arrived late to meet with parents. They celebrated 25 years of marriage at church. Just their godfathers came and my grandma. Of course besides my siblings' s.o. After this ceremony my parents stared arguing as always. Nothing changed. A priest asked who is the sibling with a gf and then look down on me for not having a gf as well. He said why dont you have a gf like you brother? Dont you want one? Do you have facebook? Everyone looked at me with superiority. Then, they congratulated my sister for being with her bf, who might or not become a priest. I felt like shit. Utter shit. We had dinner later. After my brother's gf left whole my family started saying how much they hate her lol. I ate and drank like a pig. TODAY Woke up late and struggled to go to work. Continued to feel like shit. Checked some pics from last year this day. I was miserable. Some things dont change so fast. Doing some work now. I want to run in the park later today. Meeting with friends later today. One of them is going abroad to find work. One of them said he might not join because is Friday night and his gf wont let him. Update- Went running but felt very tired and fatigued. I had to take several breaks. Took my first after one round and a half of the park. Idk. Maybe because i ate a few h prior? I took three rounds around the park but with several breaks. Went three times up and down the stairs. Arrived home and the owners asked me to take a covid test at a clinic because another girl is coughing in the house. Took a shower. Met with friends. They complimented my haircut, watch and hoodie. They spoke of same things of traveling the world and whatever. I kind sat around them. I see that i was away for 4 years. We spoke more shit and had fun. Blah blah.

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1869101/?ref_=tt_ov_st

hey

Hey Almost at tired as yesterday at work. Procrastinated a bunch on my work. Slept a little too. I need to look over my accounts and come up with some conclusions. I postpone doing it. During break hour went to buy tea and food with two colleagues from work. Even if it wasnt far it took them one hour to be done. I didnt get mad. I didnt care at some degree that i wasted one hour of my life for that. That is the problem in my life. That i dont care of my time and money enough. I kept coughing worse and worse. I will go running Friday alone. Apparently most of my colleagues are busy or dont want to join this week. Including one of my bosses. I dont mind. Oh, i received a sweater with the google logo on it from my boss for running. Cool. Felt frustrated at massage class cuz i didn't learn the previous lessons better. It would be cool if i could work remotely. Maybe i can do freelancing and travel like the guys around. Would be cool. I saw this possibility last night at dinner with all of them. Some are doing that. I imagined myself doing this and it made my mind race! Imagine, me traveling and working! Wow! What else? I feel frustrated not pushing myself to do more stuff. I could, i know that. I have this free time on my hands and this scares me. Going to pay my last rent this month in this house. I feel both glad i came here and got new ideas to grow but also stupid i could have saved money and still grow from home. But 5 months ago i was really stuck. Is funny i had to pay rent a shitload of money to see some of my bullshit. More covid restrictions over here. Lately: more fapping and less cold showers. Going to work out tomorrow morning. I feel excited. I ll do 50 variations of push ups. I bought some treatment for my sweating. I need to use it every 5 days. Today it worked. I started to smell from sweat too quickly and is too annoying. It scares me to think of what i can do with my life. I am indeed young. I feel so much responsibility on my hands. I have to choose each day how i live my life. It is overwhelming. I m not excited to start uni I have to go to a family event tomorrow. Dont know what to expect. At the end of next month i finish this massage module. I will afford to pay for the next one by my own. A guy i used to hang out and take drugs and drink in NL messaged me yesterday. He is coming over to my city. Asked him to let me know when he arrives. I thought of myself from back then. Two years ago. Some things didnt change

Hey Fell asleep at work a few times. I was careful not to be seen =))))))))))) Some more mistakes and so on. Ate junk food. Cooked lots of meat! Ate with my flatmates. Four of them are leaving tomorrow. I bought smth to treat my sweating, Last month i started to smell after walking for just 20 min to work. Found a korean shop and bought seaweed

Hey Drove yesterday for less than one hour. Hanged out with my family. Waiting for my work colleagues to have time for a meeting. I coughed last two days. Said i will work from home. I hope my boss isnt mad.

Hey Woke up at 9, wasted some time on Instagram and Facebook. Added a bunch of words to anki. Smoothie with blackberries, spirulina, hazelnut butter and two eggs. Feeling down today.

Hey My friends left at 2 am last night and i only got a few hours of sleep. We played board games with some other guy from this house and smoked weed. One of them couldn't join last night because his GF would get mad =)))))))))) He can never join us in the weekend because of her but Friday nights are a new level haahaha. One of them was speaking with some girl he met online and wasnt even paying attention to us at some point. He was very high and started sending her a ton of pics with us and himself. I laughed a lot. I realised again i am avoiding pain and conflict like hell. Returned from my one day trip. It was fun overall and pushed myself more. Blah blah. There was a situation i should have stood up for myself but i didnt. Felt like shit. Fuck taxi drivers man.

Hey Woke up tired as fuck. Got dressed and left home from my parents. Arrived, fapped and fell asleep. Just a little bit of work and the rest just tv series Smoothie at lunch because i ate pizza yesterday with my family. I got annoyed with my sister complaining how tired she is. Tired of doing what? Lol. Anyways, mom was happy i came over for her b-day. My father insulted her and treated her like shit. Like all the time. They were already arguing when i arrived. Cleaned my room and rolled a joint. Is the first i roll in two or three years. I used only weed. Me and my HS friends used to only smoke combined with tobacco because it lasted longer and was cheaper. What else? Not much. Feel like shit for wasting away the day. I am adding some words in dutch now to anki.

What's the worst thing that never happened to you?

Hey Observed old cutting scars on a work colleague's arm. Didn't expect that from her. Made a smoothie and spoke a lil with some flatmates. Left to buy that wax and get that insect package. Super hot outside. Fuck waiting for the tram i walked back home. Not much of work done. Btw, did i tell you about the 24 year old girl from the massage course? Her kid has fucking 8 years old WTF??!!??? Her husband is 9 years older than her. The other women at the course said she has achieved a lot with her life. Didn't have the same opinion but didn't voice it either. She is working at a Supermarket. 16h shifts and such for less money than i earn. She only talks about her kid.

Hey Skipped meditation last two days. Skipped one day of ab exercises. Fapped a looooooooot last few days. Was tired at work. Having problems going to sleep. Bought some sandwiches at work because i was super hungry. Massage course was interesting. Second lesson last night. Afterwards played a board game and smoked weed with my flatmates. I was extremely high and lasted for hours and hours. I couldnt focus properly and afterwards bought lots of sweets and passed out in pain. Woke up and decided to not go to work. Ate the remaining sweets and laid in bed exhausted again. Fapped some more. Bought some fried crickets to eat with my friends from HS. Invited them over to smoke and eat tomorrow night. Waiting to run in the park later today. I am still sore from Sunday workout lol. It's also my mom's b-day. Going home 2night. I will do some work and go to buy some wax for my hair.

Hey Difficulty falling asleep. Refused to spend money on shit food. Congrats. Finished what i was working on for weeks. 378 of rows with draft H1, H2 and Descriptions for different machinery. I ate lots of fruits at work and nuts. Kept feeling hungry. Fasted until noon. It was hard today. My friend from uni called me drunk but didnt pick-up. He is going to tell me i am wasting me time and i need to get laid, that i wont be young forever. He is telling me this all the time while drunk. It hurts knowing how many problems i have in this area and how i feel stuck. I didnt want to hang out with the other ppl at the house. I didnt feel good enough to.... I need to go home and do this and that and grow. What is the point right now? Waiting to move back home to drive more and shit. Blah blah. I was bored at work after finishing my tasks. Didnt know what to do more. Plans for NYE? Maybe save money and use them for some long term payments instead of going abroad or with my HS friends. Wasnt even invited lol ahaha. Going to massage tomorrow night. Thursday to run. Afterwards home for my mom's b-day. Received congratulations for my cooking from a flatmate and colleagues at work. Also, for running. I had a big insight today. That maybe all my comparisons are stupid since i am the one making them. A church boy would be proud for not sleeping around. He wouldn't see it as a bad thing. Anyhow, felt bad today. Worse than last few days. Used reason to make it go away. Worked for some time until it returned..... Hard to be content with my life at the moment even if i am quite ok overall. But i struggle to be happy more often. Left and right i see all i want to become and not yet achieved. I find myself wanting to pass time somehow. Passing the present moment to some exciting shit in the future. Dreams. The person i should have been by now. The one i need to become blah blah. I feel old and stupid. I thought of next year's internship and reasons why i should take it. Also, reasons to accept the 5 months study programme afterwards in NL. Told the house owners i wanna move out to travel more. They told me is cool. I felt stupid moving in with not much money on a whim. It was stupid even if it did help me with some stuff. Feels cringe that i moved when i could have used money in better ways. It was a rush decision.

Hey My colleagues from PPC received new accounts because they trust them. I received smth easier instead. They dont trust me at work. Of course, because i have no idea what i am doing. I feel like there is a big conflict coming later this year. When i will get another account, full responsibility and i will have no idea what to do with it. They will be like you've been here more than half a year wtf? What else? Second module of the massage course started and i got super bored of the introduction phase. We are double the ppl from last course and is fucking packed. I find reflexology interesting at 1st glance but i wanted to practice man. Remembered that when i am spending time watch tv series after work instead of reading i am pouring down the drain my time and potential. I know, is easy to eat crap and complain. Hard to do smth about it. I didnt feel the best yesterday. Tried to focus on the positive but kept thinking of the wasted years i have so far, fragments of where i need to be, fragments of goals and so on. I dont believe i can make it. Is hard to work on myself. I know but i find myself complaining very often. Feeling sore after the pull ups from Sunday. That is good. I did abs as well. I noticed around 130 i get sore. Dont remember if i fasted last week. Still have same food as last week. I got tired of it.

Hey Went fishing on Saturday with my sister's friends. Drove on the way there. I was very stressed and verbally aggressive. Didn't vibe with them like i didn't last year. We caught 2 big ones and 2 small ones. One of them was a 10 kg carp. Most of the ppl there where younger than me but kept talking about their thousands of km done so far. I was envious af. One of them had his licence for just a year and a half but already went to Greece by car. My brother's GF made a scene because my sis forgot to buy chips lol. My sister told me 2 of the girls there are single. I laughed and said so? what to do with them anyways? They are the types of girls who want to wait until marriage for sex. My sister was shocked i said such a thing. She told me is wrong to want a relationship for sex. Anyways the girls where meh and didnt even bother to talk to them. Got a new haircut on Friday and received lots of compliments. I have the haircut i wanted since i was in high school but that lady didn't know how to cut my hair properly. lol. The hairdresser i have been going last few years is awesome. She thought me how to use wax for my hair and so on. I was doing all wrong. One of the ppl from high school asked me if i wanna go to the mountains this weekend. I sad no lol. he got pissed. I dont have much money and definitely not getting in debt for you. Told family i was thinking to move back home in November to have more money to travel. They said i told you blah blah. And some jokes like they already rented my room lol ahahah. Same old insults between them and so on. Nothing new. My family criticised me for swearing and speaking bad words all the time =))) Thats true Declined several invitation last few weeks because i cant afford to pay. Woke up today at 9 cuz i had problems falling asleep. Did around 130 abs and some pull-ups afterward. felt amazing. I put a bunch of my herbs in the attic to dry. Took me a few hours with breaks in between. Harvested my carrots from garden for 1st time. Planted them too close to each other and they look like they suffer from down syndrome =))))))))))) Brewed Kombucha with unprocessed sugar. It turned out to be super tasty. I was impressed. I was thinking what to do for NYE. Maybe i will stay home and do nothing. Dont want to go with HS friends. Dont feel like going to a club either. I thought to go to Amsterdam but not sure. And i felt some shit feelings as usually last few days. Nothing new. Same old self pity and hatred. Waiting for life to change and shit alike. Some shoulds here and there. Lots of negative thinking. Wasting time and not feeling like doing shit. Around 20:00 i just wanted to be over with this day. Another week passed. Made some progress in some areas and none in others. Drove and exercised again. Cooking and walking. I felt bad for not using allll my time productive. Still waiting for smth to change from the universe. blah blah. I will be done with this week in no time again. Another day, week and year. I am excited to work out again and run in the park.

heyaaa Couldnt sleep last night. watch yt videos of movie recaps and made anki flashcards for hours for dutch. havent added new ones in years. i like to do it. i was just lazy. what a time wasted. watched movies instead of this. pff. smoothie in the morning. more flashcards. no work:( at least i am productive Just my thighs are sore from running yesterday.

hey went to the kitchen and some flatmates spoke in spanish for practice. felt bad i cant join them. i had an idea. i can move in this house each summer to meet new ppl and have fun and move back afterwards. i will think about it.

hey slept a lot, worked one hour at 17:30 went to a park nearby to run with my colleagues from work. It was the 1st time i actually run. Meant to start for years. felt quite good to be honest. just me and another girl could keep up with my boss. the others, to my shock were struggling to keep up with us. it was hard for me too but kept pushing. walking a lot helped me tremendously. he said we are doing this next week as well. i am excited. going to run again. i want to do it once a week. i feel inspired to work more on myself. i didnt achieve anything from giving up and eating sweets. just wasted and and felt worse. i thought to move back home in order to have more money. i use them for better things than rent. i can invest them in myself. i got some lessons living here but is time to put them in practice, like traveling for example.

i got 9.50 for the massage final grade 8,50 next time i will study in advance. i should have done better.

heya' i should have studied more blah blah. passed the written one with 7,5 and im waiting for the second one. The second exam, the massage part was ok, but i ran out of time for the end moves. fuck that.

Hey wear a shirt again at work. felt good. blah blah one of bosses asked us what some shopping setting on Google ads and i didnt know. fuck. i should learn this shit. i made more ads all day long. pff. still didnt finish. moved in my seat, my back hurt and so on. bought some stuff from the store during break. i have more fruits for smoothies now. ate food i prepared in the morning. had another smoothie in the morning. ate the leftover bananas from monday. took another way to home. arrived and ate shit food and sweets and lay in bed in pain watching movie recaps. fapped. pff. i should learn but dont think i will pass the exam tomorrow morning. i should have learned... i am stupid. fuck....