Everyday

Hey Merry Christmas! Took 5 g of shrooms last weekend. I saw how many limits i put up for myself. I saw again how i am stopped by waiting to feel like doing smth like work. I said to myself - wtf, i dont need to wait to feel like working out or cleaning my room. So stupid. I was very disappointed i am waiting so much to feel like doing stuff instead of just doing them. This time i saw patterns with my eyes open. Also, i had a hat and thick clothes to not be cold. It worked. After a few hours tripping i cleaned my room. I couldnt let it look like shit. I threw away gifts from exes as well. This time i said to myself i had some good times but i spent more times on those girls than on working on myself. What a shame... I bought tinder premium while i was tripping. I got frustrated i am upgrading this app since it works for me. What am i waiting for? Since than i didnt get a date this week. Maybe not the next one either. Next year goal is to get a one night stand besides just going on dates. I was productive with some mistakes the next few days. Listened to some of leo s books. Wow. So fucking good man. Again, i could have done this months ago... I still dont feel like meeting up with friends and i dont know why. I didnt feel my best today to be honest. I dont feel the best about myself. It was really annoying to see it in front on my eyes while tripping. I know i have to do this things... Just do them man... I will keep working on myself. I really want to finish college. We got a place for NYE. I didnt get drunk since last time. Look To The Rainbow

Hey Yesterday i was quite productive. Made some progress with my project but realized i have to come up with a solution to lie better. The data i have doesnt make sense compared with 1st growing batches. Did some exercises on Wed as well. I did pull-ups with my shoulders back and i felt the effort more on my back. I watched some videos online about making a store online. I can start with less products way faster. Yay. I need to decide if i want to wait 6 more months to me done with university or not. I felt again im not enough blah blah. I am trying and succeeding in using less social media. Makes me lazy, numb and complacent. Went to avatar 2 yesterday. It was amazing. I realized last GF deleted me from Facebook and Instagram. I didn't expect this. I wanted to do it as well but i thought isn't a mature thing to do. I will save up a lot of cash after all for this month. Yay. Bought some presents as well on Wednesday. You remember that girl from uni who inspires me? She has been doing Erasmus in NL last few months and now is in Spain for her winter break. Wow. She posts lots of pics of fine restaurants and delicious food. I felt envious to be hones.t My parents couldn't afford to give me that lifestyle. I wasn't doing great with money and i think i went just a few times at a real restaurant. I wish to not complain about money like my father does all the time. I dont want to complain all the time to my family how much i paid for x and y. I need to work on my limiting beliefs about money since i was raised like this. I had a meeting today with my colleagues. We spoke a lot of shit and it was fun. One of them told us how he is staying in the city alone for Christmas to avoid eating even more. He said he hates working from home because how much he ate last 2 months. Wow. I didn't think he cares about his weight. I thought he doesn't care at all. Didnt know he struggles with this. I was surprised to hear that he "loves to eat and work" and nothing else. Wow. He is older than me but isnt yet 30. Wow. Really? Life isnt going to get better as you get older. You make it better each day right now. They joked about getting to drunk this Christmas and i laughed this time. What else? Still dont feel like working for my project at uni but i have to do it. Even a little bit. I am wondering now if someone working full time in my city is happy compared to someone working remote from another country. I mean last 2 months we could have spent working abroad, right? I dont know what to say. Maybe it depends of the person doing it? I am swiping on tinder and waiting for the conversion to lead to a date. I am surprised ppl actually stay on tinder during this time. Interesting. - Finally, i started a new page. I had last one since summer. It was time to move one haha

Hey again Spent more hours watching tv series and crap on YT. Off. I am not happy with this. Anyways, i was thinking to make my story sound better when talking to girls at 1st date. I can start by cutting the failing university in NL. I think it makes me stupid even if i lived abroad a whole year. It was almost 5 years ago. Get over it and build new things. I think is lame that i keep mentioning NL. Havent i done smth cooler in the last 4 years? Something interesting besides work and university. I should read a book and take more courses. I didnt even travel outside my country since i got back. Also, i think i should stop saying i lived away from my family last year for 5 months. I returned because i couldn't afford it. Is lame to mention it. Maybe i can stop talking about wanting to start a business with my friends growing mushrooms and selling products with mushrooms. It sounds weird and we didnt even sell a thing. Is to early. I can say i want to do PCC afterwards as well. Maybe i can stop mentioning i am studying horticulture as well? I am 24. I wasnt even supposed to still be in college. I was thinking what i will be doing when i have more money and time. But until than there are so many stuff i can do right now which i will also do in a few years - working out each week, eating better, not watching tv series so much, not using Instagram so much and other stuff. I dont need money to do these things. Simple, right? I got lazy at times, thinking i will do stuff after college, like it is some new beginning or something. Looking back it was stupid not going abroad with Erasmus last 4 years. Yeah, would have zero work experience after 2 years and nothing to do but it would have been a life experience. I got 2 years working and not really becoming super good at it either. What a joke. Maybe i wont actually live abroad after all in the near future. Work just to make money, eh? Just to feel proud i am making money from a job i think i like and sounds good too. But what else? I chose to not quit fearing i wont find another job to earn money. Of. This is not a life. Is it worth it? I have been in this company for almost 2 years. Am i a different person? Yes, but it shows i was also at uni this whole time man. I dont know how i would be like if i chose to go abroad with erasmus. I think it would not have been so much different. IDK Maybe it is some purpose behind this once again? I have to say it was a big step to get hired but maybe is time to start a business? I am afraid i cant be a boss and have employees and stuff. I dont know how to do this. Maybe i will learn? I think is boring to do my job 5 days a week full time. At the start of this journal, i didnt even think i can get a job. I was afraid to get hired. When i started this journal i didnt even live abroad for a year, didnt volunteer, didnt speak english that good, didnt cook, didnt have tinder, didnt work out, didnt have a gf, didnt drive, didnt get my 1st job, didnt finish 3 years of college and didnt know the ppl i know now. Wow. I forgot all of this. So congrats for what i did well even if is not "perfect".

Hey D2 definitely ghosted me and i have to say it bothers me. I am thinking there is something wrong with me. But looking back i ghosted all girls i went out with so far. It is part of the game and i will get used to it. Will be fine. It wasnt the best day. Watched some crap online last night. Spent the day watching shit online and it made me feel indifferent and disappointed of myself. I am back on tinder and i find it uncomfortable to talk to girls. I dont feel well about doing this. I think i need some practice. Everything will be fine. I dont feel like hanging out with friends either.

Hey Went last Friday at a Christmas party at work. Got way to drunk and pissed next to the locker room, in a closet. Omg. I feel so embarrassed. Unreal. Everyone from work was there, isnt even funny, man. I also spoke too much shit. I went on a date with B and i decided i dont want to see her again. She didnt listen to what i was saying to her. I thought last time it was just 1st date but no. I also didnt like how much she talked. I learned to not rush in a relationship. This is what i did last time. Should take it slower. It was funny how cool i thought i am pursuing two girls in the same time. I even disabled tinder lol. I think D2 will ghost me as well. Maybe last time i was too much for her. Or i bored her. Last girl said she is looking for a long term relationship with a person who can give her some value in her life. I thought about this. I am also looking for a girl who is more than i am. And also just fun. I was very sick last night. Had fever and headaches. Today it was hard to work feeling so sick. I feel stressed with my last year project at uni. Off. I even watched tv series last weekend, finished a series in one night. I worked some more on that project but i need to work way more. I got a little stuck. I worked out yesterday and i liked it. I was so proud, even if i woke up at 13. didnt do much else besides that date. What else? I made a list of products to buy for that site and wrote some helpful tips. I need to buy in bulk and use wordpress and ecommerace. Shopify is very expensive if you want to make big changes on it. Interesting.

Hey Forgot to put my alarm last day and woke up later to start working. I was quite productive. I am proud of myself. Went on a second date with D2. Hmmm still quite and mature for her age but i am getting scared of her trauma with her father. She feels like holding back/ cold. We will go on a 3rd date next week. I dont know why but i feel like she will ghost me. B, seems with less baggage but i am not sure. She is also more mature. Hmm. Another thing that is on my mind is that with either girls, we dont have a place to see each other like i had with exes. This worries me. How will this work out? I cant tell to be honest. It worries me we wont get closer anytime soon. It was easier last summer when it was warm in parks. Anyways, i realized i might want a girl than has what i want - ultra motivation etc. I dont see myself long term with these 2 girls. But i also felt frustrated and envious when i met these types of girls - so? I dont have this figured it out. I need even more experience. I am getting in the 2nd date space now. Also, i am scared D2 has lots of drama and i have to deal with that like with ex. But for now she seems to have way less than D1. At least B seems more stable. In comparison D1 had way more trauma and it was overwhelming. All in all, is experience and i am learning. I feel i have my hands full - i paused my tinder account for now. What else? I am feeling the urge to watch some crap online, some YT videos etc. I worked out yesterday as well.

Last year in review: So it was much, much better than i expected. I changed even more than i did last year. What a surprise! I am so happy i took those pics of myself, used tinder and got a gf and some dates. This felt impossible in January. I am so happy i opened up about dating to my family and friends. It was so hard. Glad i drove some more. Glad i restarted working out even if i had most of the year off. Glad i did gardening this summer and had some cool veggies. So happy i reconnected more with my friends and ppl from HS. I feel closer to them. I finally made my mind up to start an online business of my own but will be done next year. Learned about crypto and bought lots of crypto from salary and scholarship. Finished massage course. NEXT YEAR: Keep working out but take it easier when i have exams Drive more Start business with brother Finish university, project Date more Dont watch crap on YT/movies/ series Mushroom business with friends

Hey Finished uni for this year and passed some more labs. All good. Work is going fine. I have 2 new clients. Worked out with my brother and father last sunday! How cool is that? Met with friends on saturday and it was fun. I had plans for NYE since summer but the girl we where supposed to go at cancelled on all of us. Offf. Went to uni and me and my friend ran into one of our colleagues who skipped school for the last 2 months. He said he broke up with ex and moved in campus. Has been clubbing and drinking since. He invited us too but we said we are busy. Finally, stopped speaking with one of the girls from 2 weeks ago. I was thinking to meet her again but these 2 new girls are really nice. Met with the second girl, B, at a new bar. It was raining like shit and she was colder for a few days. Didnt think we will meet or smth. I was anxious as always for a new meeting. The bar was super nice. Didnt like her at the beginning that much but after 3h i did like her. I would say she is second after girl D2. She seems calm and loves her job even if is very demanding. I was sure she wont want to see me again but i was surprised she said yes. I wasnt sure she liked me as well. She was surprised i took her by the hand in the end. Maybe she was expecting a kiss a the end? IDK. To be honest i got sad and needy last weekend because girl D2 didnt responded to my messages. I am not sure why i reacted like that. We are meeting tomorrow night. *My last ex name started with a D, the current girl has same name, so D2. I am not sure which one of these 2 girls i should choose. I am thinking that one of them will ghost me soon but not sure which one. I hope these 2nd dates will go fine. I am nervous haha. D2, my favorite so far feels unstable + baggage like last ex. B, is chill and i liked her more f2f than online. She has smth that attracts me so much. IDK. I still didnt watch crap online or on yt for maybe a week? It is easier to do stuff since im not glued to my pc all night and day. It was exhausting. I didnt start reading to fill the gaps but is on my radar. I am still getting used to not watching those. I have noticed good things so far. I feel i have more mental energy and i am less frustrated. I realized i should have ended last relationship sooner. Didnt feel we clicked to be honest, aside the mushroom thing. Also, i see now that it put extra weight on me helping her with her trauma and problems. I see now it was too much for me to handle her shit. Maybe i should run next time i come across a similar person. What else? Need to update my plan for 2023. Glad i am working out again, drove, passed uni, finished massage course, etc I didnt expect to be dating like i do now. It felt so impossible at the beginning of the year. It was such a challenge to start. Didnt expect to have one relationship from tinder this year. Hack i was thinking i will get 1-3 dates max. I think i got 6 in total so far. Let's see what i do with the new girls. I am still not sure if i will get a relationship out of these dates or not. I still dont trust myself enough. Still doubting myself to achieve my dreams and goals. Not watching yt crap online is huge. Not wasting that time like that is huge bro. Also didnt buy food to make myself feel bad. Next phase would be o do more good habits daily but it feels too much for now. My new phone has finally arrived. I am thinking more and more about starting that business but i put these thoughts aside. I need around 6-7 months to save up money for ads and stocks. I need to be patient. I have been frustrated having to cut costs since i dont have the scholarship. I am thinking more and more that i am putting boundaries in my head about my life after college. Like i cant do x because i am still studying and im busy. Maybe is bullshit. What will i say next year around this time? How would my life be if i quit work when that business is working very well? Maybe not so much. Hope i wont be lazier. I will still work out and take care of myself. I am anxious. Wi ll see

Lol, almost everyone cheated on this test haha I stopped writing to the boring one and she didnt text me either. Perfect. Still in contact with the other one - i should break it off but i feel anxious to be honest. The hot girl canceled on Tuesday. She is ultra busy right now. I dont even think we will meet this Saturday after all. She is super tired and has a lot of errands. I should complicate myself with her. I just had a date with the second girl. She has the same name as my last ex, same hair and lives in the same neighborhood. Loooool. She was really nice and i liked her even more f2f. She is actually the prettiest girl i went on a date with so far. The conversation flowed naturally and it was fun. However she refused to talked about some stuff. Understandable but i worry she has some serious trauma and i am not sure i want this again. She told me too i am one of the nicest guys she met online. She is actually nicer than last one. I am not sure if she said it for my ego or she was serious. She told her worst date so far is a guy coming drunk after a BBQ and leaving in just 40 min. So funny =)))) The 3rd one - going to meet with her this Sunday. She also seems super nice. I dont think she will like me cuz she's looks super tall haha. What else? With this date it was fun to see the difference between a meh date and a nice date. I felt it from the beginning with the last 4 dates. Just meh. I also see that going out with last ex was a mistake. I realized i didnt like her that much - it was also so easy to just move on this time. I knew i didnt want to be a long term thing. Looking back i should have broke up sooner. She had a lot of stuff to work on herself. I am learning more of what girls i like. I asked one of the girls from HS for some bars to go to. She gave me an amazing list. Tonight's bar was nice. I am making progress. It was so hard in the beginning with this whole thing - taking pics, dating, speaking, etc. I got more courage and confidence. It is such a good thing for me. I am so proud. I am also proud of how i handled this break up - just started dating again and didnt lay in my bed for a month and complained. It helped so much to go out again. But it was so hard in my mind to get to this point and i am just at the very beginning. I didnt think i will have several dates by December just a few months ago. Told my brother about my business idea and he wants in. Nice. Told me a friend of his wants to start a drop shipping thing but didnt even start. I talked her what we need. He can help me with the papers, accountant, other stuff for now. I will make the site and i am saving money to have enough in july/august. It will be helpful to do it in two since i want to start my 1st master in 2 years.

Hei Man, studying for this test was really hard and i sitll think i will fail. I keep feeling i need to watch some shit on YT. I keep thinking of this and isnt ok. I realised that movie recaps/ yt videos/ movies make me ignorant and complacent. I forgot how many negative thoughts i have and crap alike. Lol. I am learning to function with them around in my head. I worked out again with brother - 1st thought afterwards? To watch YT. Sadly i spent some of this free time to fap a lot and use too much social media. I just keep thinking - let's give up and watch some crap online even if i shouldn't lol. I am speaking with 3 nice girls right now hehe. Maybe i can meet one of them this Tuesday and the other one on Friday. Maybe the 3rd one on Wed or next week? I should see the girls from last week as well. Hmm. I am sure i shouldnt talk to one of them anymore but i want a second date to try it out. What else? I keep thinking how i should wait to x time to date more and some other crap. Lol. Such fucking crap lol. I feel quite good at the end of the day even if i wasnt even more productive. I want to read some stuff extra but it feels too much. I am getting used that i gave up watching tv crap for now. Is a huge deal for me. I also need to stop buying food when i am after work/university. Is all just a whim lol. Maybe i should cook for myself again. Maybe once a month. Wouldnt hurt I was taking with bro that maybe we can convince our parents to work out with us and my sister as well. It would be really awesome.

I want to discuss in more detail: I dont want to be like my older colleagues -working overtime and being ultra stressed 7/7 because of our clients. This is how i will be in a few years. I want to have more free time than they do. One of our colleague is 45 and he seems so unhappy because having to come to work each day. I dont want to just work here for the rest of my life, being criticized by my colleagues and bosses. I dont know why they even keep me around since i keep making mistake after mistake. Last month, 2 colleagues left the agency. I didnt expect to be honest. One of them told me one of our bosses treated her the same he treated me. It's the way he is, i am not the only one being criticized. I didnt think i will but.... i regret not going to study abroad and with erasmus during college. Now, i see that all is ahead of me is just more work. I wish i knew better and traveled and studied again abroad. Not sure these 2 years working here were worth it after all. IDK. One of the girls from my uni i admire left for erasmus last summer. I have been following her life in NL over the last couple of months. She posts so much food pics, fun stuff and trips. I remember not having enough to eat lol and my father freaking out about money all the time. It was so fucking stressful. On one hand i want to do nothing all day but on the other i want to do a lot of stuff and i am looking at myself at 24 and what i want to do from now on. However, i want to be more relaxed. I am taking life waaay to seriously. I mean i am not even thinking to take a break from college or to quit my job. I should chill man and just take it easier. However, i dont want to be like my father at his age - complaining all the time about money and not doing anything about it. Working from home means having to listen to his crap too much and i dont like it. It was easier when i wasnt home all day.

hey So last two days i got sick again of spending so much time procrastinating and decided to cut tv series and movie recaps from my daily schedule. I asked myself what can i change and that i have to make an effort to live a better life, etc. So far is been weird. I have so much free time now that it scares me. I noticed that each time i have a bad thought or i am bored i just want to jump into watching shit. In return it makes me even more stressed and miserable. Last two days o worked on stuff that i have avoided for a long time - from basic to important stuff. But i feel overwhelmed if i do too much in a day - interesting. Now i focus on a simple task - not watching those stuff. I finally worked again on my thesis, studied, cleaned my room, found a few themes for my future site and got a product list. But after all of this i notice is hard to do a good thing for long before i feel tired and bored. Why? However i distracted myself by using tinder - going to work on this as well. What else? A few days ago i worked out with my brother. I dont know why i didnt think of this sooner. It was fun. He said i work out too hard and that's true. That's why i quit some time ago. I am super happy i kept working out. Means a lot to me. Went on two dates last week. First girl was legit boring and the other one meh. I will still go with them for a second date for more experience. I wasnt impressed with either of them. I noticed that i am looking into a girl to be more than i am/ have smth i want to really feel afraid i will loose her. Interesting. Response? To work on those stuff. Broke my glasses but paid a guy to fix them. I saved some money. I finally ordered a phone with android. I havent been able to use a lot of apps on my phone because of Huawei. I went out with my friends from HS again and we talked about tinder. One of them said WOW about my 4 dates last month. I see it as too little lol. He showed me his tinder profile and it was full of self depreciation. He didnt want to take our advice. I finally stopped talking to girls i really dont like on tinder - both physically and the way we vibe. Another step for me. I shouldnt waste my time with them if i dont even want to go out lol. However i am talking with 3 other nice girls right now. Cool girls. I might meet with one of them next week. All in all, i am super happy i had some dates instead of complaining like a bitch all month. It helped a lot. Even more, i told my family i go on dates. I used to hide this from them. It was a big step. Invested 20 bucks last month in BTC once again. I earned $22 so far from all the crypto i have on Binance. A few weeks ago i took shrooms again. Three grams for or less and it was interesting. I got stuck again and basic level - goals, daily problems and other crap. It was a reminder to work on that. The trip was chill and i was thinking just to take it easier in life. The other part was with sweating and cold-hot feelings. - Goals for next year? Working out each week Not watching tv series and recaps on YT Driving Graduate My online store Mushroom business with my friends I was thinking to postpone doing a masters because i want some time to focus on other stuff. At least for another year. I just realized i am limiting what i can do with my life. I can do more than just be stressed all the time i am loosing my job or warring of university. I mean i can chill a little and take a break, you know? But in the same time i need to work on some stuff asap instead of not doing anything about it. I made more stupid mistakes at work and this stressed the shit out of me. One of the reasons to have my own site selling shit is to have less ppl criticizing me. I know i have poor attention and i am not a good employee. I am really afraid to get fired and as a consequence not having money. I think i am exaggerating too much. I got this fear of not having money from my father. Lately we got in more arguments but nothing too much haha. I saw that some clients take stuff from Ali express and sell it online for a profit. I want to do this as well since the competition is so low. This means i need to save some money for the next few months. I am thinking to start this site next summer, after i finish college. I would be too stressed to do it now. I didnt tell anyone about this.

Hey We broke up for good and i am glad. Since than i have been well. I didnt react bad like first break up. That one was miserable. I got tinder back on the same day we broke up. Went to uni, work and met with friends. I met two girls so far. I asked girls what are you looking for - surprisingly most of them just wanted to chat. The 1st girl i went out with wanted just sex but we both dont have our own place. Anyways, it was a fun conversation. The second girl wasnt so fun. I had a bad feeling about her but met with her anyways. She was speaking so much i couldnt even finish my phrases because she would interrupt me right on spot. Indeed dating right after a break up helps as i saw other ppl are doing. I was supposed to meet an older woman but if she wants 1st date to be at her place. She said she never brings 1st date at her place and deleted me. What a bummer, she was fun. So now i will go on dates and see where things are going. I hoped i can cut the chase. Hmm not with everyone. I felt very bad to tell the second girl i dont want to meet after that date. I just felt like an asshole saying it. She took the lead and asked me if i want to keep speaking to her and i said no. Next time i have to say it right after. I finally told my family i met last girl on Tinder. It was so hard just to say it. I also told them when i went to meet these girls and surprisingly my sister was more supporting than my brother. I dont know why. I started working out again weekly. I realized that the workouts i used to do where too much for me. That's why i quit. I regret doing it but have to keep going on. I will keep these dates going even if i am still worried before each date. I need more experience. I used to speak to any girl who would reply to me. Now i am speaking to the ones i like most of the time. I will go on dates with different girls and than just with the girls i truly like. To be honest the whole FWB and ONS thing seems impossible for me to get. But let's see how the following dates are going to be. I am still feeling weird to say i am going on dates but is just normal. I am looking for girls who have their one place to be honest. The last girl i met told me i am one of the nicest ppl they met on tinder. I take this as an insult. Maybe i am too nice and i dont get hookups because of it? Also a few girls told me why did i talked to them for days if i only wanted sex. Well, i am not sure how to get sex fast on tinder. I am trying to figure this out. Also, i am so much more relaxed about getting a dates and not going well. I wanted so much to get a gf fast when i met my last GF. I even asked her at 1st date if she still wants to go for a second date. Now i want more experience. I am not dating coming from absolute frustration and desperation as i was after not dating for a year and a half. That was such a stupid move and i cant believe i am doing this now. I was so afraid to even get some nice pics of myself. Crazy. I cant believe i am getting dates. Felt so impossible man. I am not on tinder all the time as before. Last time i used it at work and each moment. After that i used it too little and now i am searching for a balance. It wasnt ok for me to check my phone so much. Now i feel lazy to check my phone and force myself to do it. What else? I finally went to my professor to present my data for my graduation project. I need to lie some more to make sense what i wrote there. I broke my glasses again. Lol. I finally ordered a phone with android. I have been using this huawei without android and cant even download uber and other apps. What a bummer. I have been using this phone for 3 years. I didnt get a scholarship this year. Another bummer. I have to save more money. I gave up the idea to start my own site selling stuff because i wouldnt have the time. But i learned more about making a site and hosting. I feel so much more relaxed after finishing that massage course. But i just wasted more time since. I have a test this week and makes me scared. I drove some more. I am thinking to go to uni as well with my car. That would be suuuch a big step. I am also afraid i am running out of time. I am 24 and i had just 5 dates so far. I have sooo much to learn man.

Hey I finally finished the massage course last week. What a relief. Me and my GF broke up this morning. Told her i am not ok after all with her fear me becoming an "addict" because of shrooms. I was feeling guilty for lying to her for some time. I was also frustrated being again the one who needs to change and having to walk on glass etc Like she said, i should have told her this sooner. Glad we had this discussion after all. Got tinder again and let's see what is next. To be honest it feels like a bummer. All that work, time and money just to end up nowhere just because of some shrooms. Ridiculous

Hey Let's recap: she messaged a few hours after she broke up with me, putting some conditions to get back together. I said yes but after that i regretted. I told my to my drunk friend what it happened and he laughed. Told i am stupid and i dont need to give up growing shrooms but rather just lie i did. So simple. I didnt think of it as a solution. Things are fine now except that we still didnt have sex and she still doesnt trust me bullshit. I am not sure i did the right thing after all. She told me how disgusted she is of some dude who is a stoner. I wanted to tell her i also smoke weed sometimes but chose to keep it for myself for now. Maybe should have told her - she would have left me or some shit. IDK. I met with other friends from college. Some of them i didnt bother to reconnect with after i first started speaking with my friends last year. They are still mad. They told me they found me on social media but where still mad and refused to message me or hang out (i messaged one of them). I was so fucking stupid lol. I found out a few weeks ago i have to present my 30 page long project for the massage course. shit. I am not ready and i am stressed as fuck. I hate also i am not the best at massage either. I am doing too much blah blah blah. Uni is ok so far. Still hate i have to wake up so early and i am so tired of it. Next week i finish the massage course and i cant wait to do so. I had a 17 yr old colleague at work who has a few sites selling trendy stuff online. He makes so much money with this. I cant believe i didnt think of it. I was thinking again to start myself after finishing college. He got fired because his manager was a dick. I am thinking more and more of starting my own sites selling stuff online. How hard can it be? I noticed more people stressed as fuck because of money. Some ppl at the massage course told us about their stress with their mortgage and also my GF's parents are having problems with money. One of my friends from HS is going through same thing. Shit. I started having weekly meetings with these guys to make our own mushroom business. Let's see what will happen. I made more mistakes at work. One of my colleagues got upset as fuck just yesterday. Shit man. I made just $20 out of crypto since the beginning of the year. Pff. Not much. Still didnt take back my money from planetwatch. Of. Got drunk last week. It was a mess haha. Glad i didnt message my GF and she didnt find out.

Hey bro Had a minor car accident 2 weeks ago, just before she messaged me to meet next day. I was so upset and frustrated i said i need another week of taking a break without saying way. She said she didnt want to say much to me and i got upset hearing this. That means break up, right? I didnt message her anymore because i am really bad at arguments. I felt quite bad about taking that break, especially last week around Wednesday. This whole taking revenge and projecting my fears onto her is lame and dumb. We met yesterday and she was blunt - i want to break up just because of those shrooms. Instead of holding my ground i said - i will stop from that. She got even more upset that i said this only after she broke up not asap after we had our fight. I just felt pissed it ends like this man. She messaged me after 2-3 hours to tell me she will give me another chance after all - if i comply with her requests. I was shocked. Really? She asked me to think about it but i said yeah, sure! Afterwards i thought some more and i think i am making a mistake again. I am scared she reacted like this after just one month and a week together. Looks like trouble to be honest and i dont like it. I think i am afraid to be single and i am put under the option to change myself again just to have a gf. To be honest i dont want to be single again but i also dont want to be frustrated having to change myself and being afraid she will dump me at any moment. Is not healthy. Taking that additional week break was stupid. I dont know what to do. I am weak, just like i was in last relationship. I am choosing the easy way (compromise) instead of going out and finding better. It frustrates me even more that i am on trial right now. Horrible. Of

Hey I went to the massage course each week except the one they had another break. Also, i skipped one time because i was too tried. I felt better later but chose to sit in bed. Took a week of work for my b-day and practice week at university. We harvested grapes and it was shit. Didnt enjoy seeing my colleagues that much. I kept working and hated it. I went there each week afraid i wont pass the year if i skip even one day... just to find out i would have got a 7 if i went at least one day lol.... Went each day like a looser. Woke up during that practice week and thought - how am i going to finish this year? I dragged myself to work and than met with friends and that girl. My birthday was really fun. I didnt feel said like i was last year. I had fun with family and friends. And also saw my girlfriend. It was sooo nice to have no work for a whole week! I finally deleted my ex from facebook. I wanted to see if she will tell my happy birthday since i told her last year. She told my sister happy b-day last year and this year lol. I just felt stupid i didnt delete her sooner. I am immature and it triggered me seeing her on birthday page and on common friends list. I feel so stupid but it bothered me. I feel so gooood now each time i use facebook without seeing her. Things got better with this girl. We saw each other at least once a week. We started touching each other in the park late at night lol. She invited me at her place and i was surprised. I caressed and kissed her body. She didnt want to take of her underwear. I didnt force her. Went again at her place and stayed the night. We did oral to each other. At the end i thought meh. I kept thinking of this for such a long time and now that it happened it wasnt as awesome as it was before. It wasnt mind-blowing as i thought it will be. This year in february i was thinking i would give anything to get my dick sucked again. But now meh. We celebrated one month together last week. My siblings kept asking about her and i am still feeling uncomfortable to speak about her. I invited her to join me and my friends for NYE. I got frustrated with my friends and offered to find a place myself. They didnt even looked on all the places i found. Just kept complaining. I felt so upset i even offered to do that. I was upset seeing them so lazy to even open a link or read what i wrote. I started growing my first magic mushrooms and it is awesome. I tried some of them already. It was a fun trip overall but i will talk about it later. Met her friends. They liked me to my surprise. Told my girlfriend yesterday about the trip and the mushrooms i am growing. She freaked out. Kept saying she will leave me if i start doing it daily. I didnt know how to react. Never expected for that kind of reaction from her. I was colder with her after that. She said she is afraid i will change my behaviour with her when i will take shrooms daily lol =))))). I was annoyed of the whole things. I tried to explain her about psychedelics but she didnt really care to understand. Got a message this morning she needs a one week break lol... I said ok, take your time. I better response than i had with ex wanting a break as well. But i will take a break afterwards as well lol. I am just upset that again all that nice things we did last month dont matter because of this "problem". Sooo fucking annoying. I am waiting to see if i will get dumped or whatever. I hate this feeling. Just like ex did when we had 2nd big fight. Just waiting for a month to get an answer. Felt like trash. I am not freaking out this time but i am just annoyed and frustrated. If she wants out i will just use tinder again. At least i have that now. Just went last week to take some new pics.

Hei Met with her again yesterday. It feels again like a bubble. I liked spending time with her and fooling around but afterwards it cant recall those feelings and sensations. I am starting to feel like i am too nice and frustrated again. I hate this feeling. Also, i feel vengeful. Afraid i will get taken advantage of and i want to be mean because of it. I dont know how to draw a line between been nice and too nice. Like not feeling i am doing too much too soon. I am getting upset again seeing how this girl is so much better than my ex. She is chill so far. I am still afraid everything will be over sooner or later - thus i am more present when i am with her. I want to enjoy this while i can. In the same time i want to work on my shit, to do more than just seeing her. I hate i kept my last relationship going just out of fear i wont find a new girl. I was so afraid it made me so bitter and frustrated. I wished i got some pics and used tinder. Also, it would have been awesome if i used Tinder just after the break up. I felt so bad for being single month after month. The lowest point was actually contacting her to get back together. I felt so ashamed and desperate. The whole experience left me feeling i am not good enough or she would have wanted me more. Like it would have meant i am worth it or smth. It feels weird to be told i am sweet and caring but this new girls after all the mistakes i made in last relationship. I didnt get used to it. This weekend i went to the mountains will my friends from HS. They told me again to get a gf etc and i told them i am still speaking to that girl. They were surprised. They told me to meet her if things are going well. I am surprised they thought i am not speaking to her anymore. Also, they probably dont expect for us to keep seeing each other? I am still surprised. Idk. The guy who helps me with my uni project proposed we start a mushroom company together. We had a meeting with other 2 people to join us. I said yes, of course but i dont have much confidence about this project. I dont think he is serious about this. He wasnt last time. He has some family problems and an annoying gf. He told me how he cant dump her because isnt easy to find someone else at his age (32?) and crap like that. Is frustrating to see his so stressed of her complaining all the time of him being busy. He was happy he got COVID just because he was too tired to go to a trip with his GF. I feel sorry for him. I met her and she was annoying. Got my own grow kit with mushrooms. I am growing golden teacher. I am excited. Went driving some more. It was ok. My father started speaking to me again. I abstained to attack him further. But some stuff for our house cuz he ran out of money again. What else? This weekend I booked an apartment with a couple from HS and a guy. I was surprised how much he doesn't care of her. While we went on a hike he didn't even look to help her while she was behind us. I felt bad for her and stayed behind. I was shocked how he just kept telling her to go faster and to control herself when she complained of not having water to drink. I couldn't believe it. I worried for him more than himself lol. But she didn't seem to complain much to him. He was upset for a little while but she got over it in like 30 minutes. Wow. Some girls are just normal. My grandma told me she wants to gift me $200 but by the time i went to her place she didnt give me shit. I was annoyed. This happened to my brother as well lol. My siblings asked more questions about this girl i have been seeing. It makes me uncomfortable. I overheard a conversation about her between my siblings and my brother's bitch. I wanted to tell her to stop saying those things about her. She doesnt even meet her. But i said nothing. This Friday is my b-day. I got off work. I will celebrate with family and later with my friends from HS. I told my family what i want to order and they complained i am too cheap. I worked for this money and i hate to get these comments from them. I tried so hard not to have another outburst. For example i said i will buy some pizza after i finish uni this year and mom kept asking me "wen pizza". I got so annoyed. So finally i got pizza and she came to my room to complain i didnt buy drinks. I said is just too expensive for me and she criticised me for not buying her god damn drinks. I got mad and started swearing. She kept saying how i am supposed to buy them a bunch of stuff from my money. I hate this. Is not even asking, just demanding. I hate so much when i am questioned what do i do with my money by them. My sister asked me to buy her food a lot of times just like her BF who gets all of his money from his dad does. I was angry. So if i work i am supposed to give you my money while you do nothing all day? This isnt fair man. I hate to hear "why dont you treat us better? you got a pay-check". So what? Tried to ask my father is he wants to repair the car 50/50. It still works but is a chance it will break down in the middle of the road. I am afraid of that so much. He said he doesnt have any money. Grandma gave him money to buy a new car and he used them all on that stupid mountain house. I told him my brother told me the car might break down- turns out it was a secret and i wasnt supposed to know because he was upset on me around that time. I was shocked to hear this. So his plan was for me to break the car so it would be my fault? Ridiculous. My mom started crying and arguing with father about some crap. I rolled my eyes and waited for them to stop so i can eat and work. She complains but does nothing about her situation. I petty her. I found out on Monday night that next day i re-start the massage course. I rolled my eyes. I am so tired of that to be honest. Woke up at 6am to arrive on time. Once there i felt like sleeping. I have to go there 2 more times this week. Of.

Hei I met with her each night from Monday to Wednesday. It was fun and relaxing. I was annoyed by how curious my brother's GF is. Why she even My parents returned from a wedding at a roman-catholic church. She wouldn't shut up how are religion is better than theirs, how we are the best religion in the world and it was so fucking annoying. I told her to stop. She got upset. She got more annoying last couple of years.

Hey All my friends from HS came last Friday. We decided to go on a short trip next weekend and also settled for a location for NYE. Spoke some more with her and she definitely needs some space. All this is new to her. We will meet 3 times this week but i will make sure i will give her some more space. Not looking forwards to start work and massage course and also the fucking university this autumn. Ew. Just drove yesterday. All good except trying to park. Meh.

Hey We met and it was really nice. We kissed, caressed her some more and so on. We spoke about different stuff, from trauma to fun stuff. My parents and siblings asked me where i am going. I said to meet with a girl. Last time i said i am meeting with the guys. I felt weird to say it out loud. It has been a long time. They asked a lot of questions but didnt want to speak more of her. Met on Wed with a guy from HS i didnt see in 5 years. He had it worse than me. He told me about his experience with tinder and bumble. He used it for a few years and got more dates. He said all girls he met where bad. He went out with one of them for a whole month just for her to tell him she likes girls - one month later she was seeing another guy. What? She went with a girl to a stake house =)))))). He didnt know she is vegan. We met again last night in a park. We started touching each other and she stopped. I hugged her and waited for her to be in a position to tell me what is wrong. She said things are going to fast, she never kissed a guy like that and she never had sex. I was surprised. I thought she did. Anyhow, i made her feel comfortable and she relaxed again. I really like her. She said she doesnt know how to react to us being together and i said is ok. We will take it easy. No rush. So i am seeing her now but i am not satisfied completely. Is so cool when we are together but that is it. I am just as same as before when i am alone. Wow. Craved this moment for over a year and now i am like ok.. what is next? Wtf? Is a goal i wanted for such a long time and now i want other stuff atm. Meh.

Hey So we met f2f on Sunday and she was prettier than her pics. Wow. It was some awkwardness at the beginning between us but it was nice overall. The place i piked was nice and we just walked for hours afterwards. She felt worried i wont like her IRL. I was thinking the same thing. We walked to this park and hugged and kissed her. She didnt pull back and even leaned into me even more. Wow. She said she is cold but she warmed up to me. Met with some colleagues from HS. I told them about her. They didnt ask as many questions as i thought. They were quite nice. Hmm. I was afraid to talk about girls with them back in high school. I was terrified. I am going to meet with her again in 2 h.

Hey So i am still speaking with that girl from Tinder. Things are going well but after texting for too long i get cheesy. We didnt meet f2f and i told her smth like i get attached to someone fast and i was thinking of you. Ewwww. Stop man. It s cringe. She told me she warmed up to me and so on. How she really likes me etc. We will see how things go today at 18:00. I hope things go well. I was supposed to see some friends tomorrow but moved for Monday. I was surprised she wanted to meet, i thought it will take her more to recover after the death of her great granny. Stopped speaking with the other girls from tinder and instagram. She asked me if i am still speaking or dating other girls. I said yes but i should have lied. She complained about this and said she realised she likes me because of jealousy. Posted some new pics today and yesterday. I took them a few weeks ago. Me and my family celebrated me passing 3rd year, my sister's birth day just us and also with her friends. It was fun. My father is still upset lol. Didnt drive much. I went to the lab twice this week. I have to start all over again. Shit.

Hey Spoke more with her. She even send me some pics from her vacation to be sure she is not fat or smth lol. She asked me if i am speaking/dating with other girls while talking to her cuz she started to like me. I said i do. Later i realised i should not have told her. She said she felt jealous blah lbah blah. I kept on with my bullshit and it was quite cringe. Need to slow down. I feel quite embarrassed of her calling me out on saying i like her but also speaking with other girls etc. But i learned this lesson. Is ok. Surprisingly she wants to meet this Sunday even if her grandma died one week prior. She said i make her feel better. I didn't expect that. Told her to take her time and i meant it. I was supposed to meet with 2 girls this week. I panicked when she said i am full of shit for saying i really like her but also speaking with other girls so i deleted my tinder and the girls i was speaking on instagram. After i calmed down i realised it was stupid. It is ok. I think the date on Sunday will go fine. I didnt expect for her to be ready to meet so fast. I was meant to meet with my friends but rescheduled with them. I would rather see her and decide if i move on or is smth there to put more work. She told me i must have had an ex who was getting upset very fast cuz i walk on eggshells with her. That is true. ț She told me she got ghosted many times before and nw she is afraid i will do the same. blah blah. She met with a guy for 1 month, seeing him every other day and out of a sudden she got ghosted. Wow. She told me about some weird guys she met there. She said how no one else would wait so long for a date with her. IDK. I dont see what is the problem of waiting 2 weeks. I thought it will take longer. I spoke with some other girls before today and i got annoyed with one of them. She was one of those ppl i just dont like cuz they are annoying lol. I see some of these girls dont give a fuck if they dont make a guy happy. I am the stupid one making too much effort for a girl. She told me about not having a proper relationship so far and some other crap. How i am nice to her and she isnt used. Sounds like my ex. Feels i am making the same mistake. But she doesnt feel annoying. Hmm. Told her about the girl i video called and she was surprised i was so nice. She would have cancelled the call much faster. Damn, that one was really annoying and also didnt like the way she looked at all lol. Also, interesting to see how this girl reacts to a death in her family. I thought she will be very cold like ex. I see now my ex was a piece of shit in many aspects. I was so afraid i will never find a new gf.... should have tried at least. Tinder showed me i can get some dates. Now, i wont get pathetic when the next relationship ends. What else? My dad is still upset on me. My grandma offered to give me some money for a trip. I didnt expect that. Had a BBQ with high school friends and my siblings and they liked each other. I should have done that long ago. Bought some more clothes. Got some btc, eth and busd. Kept eating junk during lunchtime. I see that that massage course messed me up. I should have ate more food. Things at work are ok but i have problems with some client. IDK what to do. Tried a new strategy. A colleague from work left me take care of her 2 accounts while she was in vacation. Didnt know what to do and fucked her account quite bad. She was upset. Should have asked for help. Now, she wont ask me for help. My brother didnt sleep home for some time. He sleeps at his GF because we dont like her. She is still very annoying.

Hei Some updates? Friday and Thursday went to the lab, work and the massage course. I was so tired haha. My date for Sunday got cancelled. Unfortunately her great grandma died and i said let's move this another time. She appolgized and said she can come to see me after the funeral. Told her id rather have her with her family and that we can reschedule for when she feels better. Now, i worry she seems me as a friend, waaay too nice. Hope not. Had a BBQ with some of my high school colleagues and siblings with their S.O. I got a little too drunk but was ok in the end. Should have done this a long time ago lol. I got another date for next week and one in 2 weeks. Turned on my tinder and messaged all girls with questions from their profile. Goes ok so far. Some beautiful girl didn't even put effort into the conversation. Weird lol. One of the girls i was speaking last week said aren't you going to ask me about my instagram? So i did and i checked my inbox. Turns out i got accept to another girl i spoke 2 weeks ago. She was annoying if i remember correctly. We spoke a little. Smth feels off about her. Idk. I was thinking to tell these girls i am looking for FWB. I never tried this before. I would really like to. While i was at the table with everyone some girl called me. She tried with a hidden number 1st. Couldnt hear her very well. She was saying to meet each other and that she had my number from some girl. Weird. Just two girls from Tinder have my number. IDK. Tried again to speak with older women on tinder. It doesnt go well at all. Not sure what to say to them and they react so bitchy. Looks like joking around with them isnt enough idk.